I wasn't going to go to Lynne Featherstone's Super Sekrit Web!Ninja Team of Doom meeting with Howard Dean, given that it overlapped with the Blogger interview with El Presidente, but there were a couple of other people who would be in on the latter who were going to the former, so I figured I would go in and loiter at the back so I could get out without offending anybody...

( I figured without Helen and Lynne )

Saturday Morning was spent in dull grey rooms being trained on a couple of aspects of Lib Demmery which I felt I ought to brush up on.

( web campaigning and raising your profile as a girlie )

This was something I was never going to miss: Lib Dem Christian Forum Vs Lib Dem Humanists and Secularists discussing faith schools, with Vince Cable on the side of the Christians and some guy called Paul for the Humanists... Fight! Fight! Fight!

( not really, but partly )

The first big bit of interesting stuff was the Consultation on Women's Policy. I had already made my feelings clear on the titling of the thing and thus went in with the hope of constructive discussion. In this regard, it helped that I was sat next to Jo Crispy-Strips, with whom I have had many disagreements about feministy things, but am in broad agreement with about MOST feministy things, and whom I know to be rational and sensible with regard to things like basing her arguments on evidence, rather than just emotion.

( This turned out to be a very good thing... )

This is the first of (probably) ten entries on what happened at conference, because I am going to divide them up by topic. The last entry will be a handy index...

We arrived mildly later than expected, but this wasn't a huge problem, as our arrival coincided with lizw's delicious lunch being served up. The non-arrival of my conference pass (must do better, pinkshifter! :P) did mean I had to go and queue up at registration before going to the Wimmin's Thing, though.

While initially frustrating, this turned out to be not so much a problem, but a chance to say hello to old friends. I went to membership, and got Gordon to sign a form saying I was me. And then I queued up for the desk at which mooism was busily producing passcards, and in the queue ran into The First Lady and the lovely Mr Paddick (who was as effortlessly stylish as ever, damn him). And then as I dashed over to the Wimmin's Thing, I ran into Manny and Sian. And THEN when I snuck shamefacedly late into the Wimmin's Thing, I ended up shuffling into a seat next to Jo Crispy-Strips...

I hashtag because I have been told off for not hashtagging enough, and so I am making myself hashtag. Have met many many lovely people, had lunch with LizW and DJM4, been given marvellous booze by po8crg, interviewed El Presidente, voted, exchanged amusing email with The First Lady while we both should have been paying attention to a debate (not the important votey one), had lots of training, been to my first ever glee club, not had much sleep, and been amazed to discover that Dr Pack isn't, as has been insinuated by others, an alien, but is a WOMAN!

Am now late. This is first proper internet access have had in two days. If you wish to ask any questions about any of the above please feel free to do so, and I will answer when I have some internetty time. Err... have fifteen minutes to get dressed and do a half hour walk. Arse. Still, listening to nannyo gleefully declaring Hurray for Vince! in the kitchen is a wonderful thing...

How does Twinkletoes Cable have time to look after BEES anyway? [/random radio-related interjection]

Lib Dem Quiz night last night (which was nearly attended by the party President and the First Lady) went pretty well. Finally met the elusive pimpernell Diane, got (jokingly) threatened by Charlotte Gore, had a good giggle, and was unsurprised when Hilary and Jim won the quiz.

Food was excellent, and Liz's home-made salsa went in about ten seconds. Most importantly, we made a little bit of money, and might now be able to afford to pay Brendan to print us leaflets for about a third of the area our local party covers... So only two more events and we might be able to afford a whole Focus! LOL.

If you have any exciting money-making ideas, or just want to give us some money, do come to the next Liberal Drinks *plugplug* you don't have to be a party member or anything.

I now have to get ready for work - 8 hours today AND tomorrow WOE - and maybe take a few pictures of things to sell on ebay. Although that might have to wait until after work tomorrow, looking at the clock. Life is very very busy at the moment, so apple-ogies to those of you who aren't getting as much attention as usual. It's not that I don't love you all, it's just that I am clinging on by my fingernails to a roller-coaster at the mo. Hopefully things should be a bit less frantic after conference. Only a couple of weeks to go...

1. Does anyone localish fancy dogsitting while we are at Spring Conference? This would be from the morning of the 6th of March to the evening of the 8th of March. We actually arranged a dogsitter for Conference well before Christmas, but due to a shotgun wedding in (I think) Suffolk it's all gone horribly awry. I reserve the right to reject volunteers out of hand, but the fact of volunteering will be much appreciated. Volunteer Obtained!


2. Does anyone else here feel sick to their stomachs about this? Because there seems to be a BIT of fuss being made, but not much. Our government is complicit in torture, people. TORTURE. Why are we not throwing these bastards out on their ears? I just don't get it.


3. Does anyone have a gateau from a chateau? Because, given the way the wax has run when it has dribbled, we now have a candle with a handle, and I can do a passable impression of the Fallen Madonna with the Big Boobies by Van Klomp...

In other news, Mitch Benn has been musing about the age of Radio Four listeners. I think it's possible that the average age of radio four listeners is 55, but that the standard deviation is very big indeed. But still, straw poll is strawy:

Poll #1351338 Radio Four Listeners
Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: All, participants: 42

Do you listen to Radio Four?

If you answered yes, above, what age bracket do you fall into?

A sterling performance on Any Questions from the Twinkle-toed Messiah. I don't know if I'm going to listen to Any Answers, though. It always depresses me with it's cabal of Fail-reading nutbags.

In other news: I have been organised! Mat and I are now registered for both Spring and Autumn conference. If you do it before December 10th you get it for cheap, you see. Spring conference, we have cadged a bed from someone who lives near the conference (we love you, nannyo!) but we'll need to find somewhere to stay in Bournemouth next September that won't cost a bomb... Any ideas?

Any of the rest of you going to be joining us at either or both? If you've not been before, don't be scared, it's lots of fun.

And now, a small poke for the Lib Dem Web Monkeys. See this: http://www.libdems.org.uk/in_your_area/calder-valley ?

The link on there is for the HALIFAX Lib Dems. Halifax is the next door constituency. Calder Valley Lib Dems are here: http://caldervalleylibdems.org.uk/ I'm sure that this was a mere oversight, and not yet another instance of Halifax's centralising tendencies when it comes to the whole of Calderdale (which is much resented by those of us who live in Calderdale but NOT Halifax...) ;)

Millennium has sorted out when the blogger interviews will be at Yorkshire regional. Are you going, burkesworks? Do you need a lift?

alex_wilcock, do you need a place to stay? There is room in our little Ka for four people and an elephant, and I will be at work, so you boys can all go and have a good time together...

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Sorry for the lack of blogging the last few days, btw, everyone. Have been doing Stuff in Real Life. Stop grinning at the back there :P

So, plans for the beer festival at work are pretty much finalised, and it's for the weekend of Hallowe'en. YAY! This means dressing up and lots of beer with silly names and... Hangonaminute... There's something already happening that weekend, isn't there...?

Oh yes, Lib Dem Yorkshire regional conference. So, yeah. Will be working on the date of regional conference. Which is probably for the best because I'm not sure £54 (just over my weekly food budget for all five of us) is tremendously good value for a buffet lunch for two and a chat anyway... Apologies, therefore, to burkesworks, Ros and Mark, and Millennium and his daddies, all of whom we had told we would be there. Mat may well decide to go anyway, if someone can persuade him that £27 for one day really IS good value, but there is no way I can get time off during beer festival.

Still, Hallowe'en beer festival! YAY!

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Speaking of the barmaidness, eruvadhril posted this as a response to my open letter:
I LOLed.

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It is a little talked-about thing of blog etiquette, but having a huge header does tend to really annoy people. So much so that I am a style=mine nazi on LJ, and I feed EVERYTHING to LJ so I don't have to look at other people's layouts. This also conveniently gets me around the insane preference that most people seem to have for insanely bright/pale backgrounds (white is worst) that hurt my poor sensitive goth eyes. So, yeah, I joined the League of Curmudgeonly Whiners Who Hate Large Headers. I'll extend the same offer as the erstwhile starter of that group, too: if you have a large header and want it resizing, I'll do it.

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Via chickenyoghurt comes the news that Amnesty International have set up a neat petition against 42 days that will email each MP with the signers from that MP's constituency. Go, sign, and send your MP the message that 42 days isn't a questioning period, it's a disappearance.

One of the things which is comforting about being a Lib Dem is that one is not just allowed, but positively encouraged to take the piss - out of oneself, the party, and politics in general. Having never been a member of any other political party, I can't say how unusual this is, but it doesn't seem to be quite so prevalent in either of the Big Two. The Liberal Revue is a night of sketches and such run by the guys behind Liberator, the serial filkers behind the Liberator Songbook. It promised to be an irreverent and witty look at the way things are in politics, with occasional forays into song. It was with this in mind that I reluctantly forked over £20 for two tickets to it, having been assured that it would be the highlight of the conference.

We got there slightly late, having lingered too long over the delicious beer at the Goat and Tricycle with the lovely daddies Richard and Alex, and the breast-obsessed Whenman, and the award-winning Mortimer, and various others (who was Chris, btw? He was GORGEOUS... Ahem), and thus missed the opening "telephone call" skit and were half way through the song "Vote".

This possibly wasn't the best point to walk in. I am afraid there was much cringing at off keyness and bum notes. This would continue throughout all the musical numbers - those singing were clearly not awful singers, but were obviously in need of monitors. Some of the musical numbers were very witty, lyrically, but the swinging about the tune without ever actually hitting it robbed the musical numbers of any enjoyment they might have held for me.

Far better were a lot of the spoken sketches. I particularly liked Training Session, which riffed on the various training styles of various factions within the party (the leader's office, campaign for gender balance, and leaflet delivery training) with a huge dollop of innuendo (inexperienced activists may get their fingers caught in the flaps....) and Ming's Memoirs (which is available online at Liberal England). God's Gift was also distinctly amusing.

Rather less impressive was the "hilarious" "northern" comic Nobby Shuttleworth. I was assured that this was funny because it was doing politically incorrect jokes in a room full of Liberals, but I dunno... Perpetuating tired old clichés about all Yorkshire folk being fat ignorant misogynists didn't strike me as pushing any envelopes, particularly when done by someone who kept slipping back into his natural posh southern accent. Frankly, I found him fucking offensive, if you'll pardon the mildly ironic turn of phrase, and came quite close to demanding my money back because of him. But perhaps I was just being a bit touchy after having had the piss taken out of me all day by a variety of posh southerners - the most notable of which being the one who said that my "I'm 4 Ros" video would need subtitles so that people could understand what I was saying...

Anyway, one regrettable lowlight, three rather good highlights, and a whole bunch of mediocre-to-good. I'd say it was probably worth going, but not worth a tenner a ticket.

Leader's Speech: barnstorming, although not without some tiny nits to pick (bloody "ordinary families").
Lunch with Hilary and Mat at the goat and Tricycle: delicious.
Lounging on the beach with Jon and Mat all afternoon while the exodus occurred: great fun. Especially attempting to bury Jon in the sand, although there is a LOT of Jon and not enough sand within reach and I couldn't be bothered standing up...
Nick Robinson's analysis of Nick Clegg's speech: incomprehensibly bad, and contained some downright lies - people yelling out "HURRAH" are not politely bemused IMHO.
Me: knackered, and giving the computer over to Mat.

Yes, yes, I know I owe you posts. We have nothing to do really till Friday night now. They're coming.

Am packing all our stuff and not ( sending cheeky emails to This Week ) and giggling at the Daily Mash at all. You know, if (as it says in the link) Nick Clegg wants to consult with the female members about how best to give girls hand jobs, I can think of several who'd volunteer for THAT training session. Not m'self, obviously. Handsome is as handsome does, but I'd rather have a dancer ;)

Have to be out of the hotel by 11. Ought really to get on...

ETA: According to Peter Black Vince and several other party luminaries might be coming out for Ros Scott after conference. I don't share Peter's sense that this is necessarily bad news for the Ros Scott campaign. As James Graham said on CiF, one way Lembit might win is by ensuring that there isn't a debate about the role of the party president, and thus his much higher profile will hold sway with the armchair members. Party heavyweights coming out on Ros's side will help to scupper this aim. Yes, the negative way the Times has phrased things will make people feel that Lembit needs support (especially Liberals, because we're all big softies), but at the end of the day, we've already had one party president who has been voted for because he's rather lovely and we all think he's sweet, and look where that got us. Simon is lovely, but he hasn't delivered on the doubled membership he rashly promised, or even shown signs of working towards it.

I think the party as a whole realises we actually need an effective party president, rather than one with a high media profile but a record of ill-judged pronouncements. Lembit's grasp of policy is dead on, and his personality is winsome, and his intellect is not in question at all. But his judgement is a bit lacking, and that is a necessary qualification IMHO.

Anyway, we shall see what the next few weeks bring...

Have just been to the stewards' reception with Charles Kennedy. It was nice to be about two metres away from Chuckie K as he told us all what a fantastic job we'd been doing, even if we are, at this point, too poor to afford a drink to toast him with (lunch today left us with a total of three quid). Paddy Ashdown was also kicking about and Andrew Neil was filming stuff. I chickened out of thrusting an I'm 4 Ros badge at Andrew Neil because I am a colossal chicken; even if Matt from politics.co.uk reckons he saw him in an Ipik Opik badge earlier... It is very gladdening that he keeps smiling at me though.

Anyway, this post is a shout going out to the Fringe Steward Massive:

Team Leader Tim, the Southern Fairy, who is insisting that I call him a cheeky cockney chappie in print;
Jean-Claude Van Dave, who was keeping a watchful eye on Andrew Neil as we left;
Jason, the serial chatter-up of hotel staff;
Rob, the floppy-haired youth from Cowley Street.

You guys have been awesome. You've made what could have been a very dull and annoying job into a huge barrel of laughs, and I appreciate that hugely. We've all got a bit frazzled over the past day or so, and it's pretty understandable given that there have been four (sometimes five) of us covering six hotels for four days and trying to juggle lots of balls with not enough hands and no proper methods of communication. We've had incredibly long hours and very few breaks, and it hasn't been all wine and roses, but I think we've had a pretty good laugh. So, you know, consider this a virtual team hug.

I clocked off this evening, collapsed on a sofa in the lobby next to the sexy-voiced James Graham, and chatted to various other people. Had very enjoyable hugs from djm4 and Daddy Alex. Was going to go to the DELGA social, but a complete lack of money made that somewhat pointless, so have come back to the hotel room with Mat instead.

Tomorrow I might get some more use out of my voting pass. There's no fringe, and therefore no fringe stewarding, so I'm going to go and actually do some stuff in the conference hall.

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I do want to say a little bit about the Adrian Sanders incident, although I suspect Mat will have more to say later. The count of party high-ups who have mentioned in my hearing words to the effect of Well, obviously, can't condone violence, but I'd actually like to shake Adrian by the hand for pushing the little oik into a bush has reached seven. Given that there was definitely a conversation between the two men before anything happened, and given that Mark has just released a report which is saying that Adrian will lose his seat to the Tories at the next election, I think it's safe to say that there was probably some provocation.

And you know, obviously, can't condone violence, but I'd actually like to shake Adrian by the hand for pushing the little oik into a bush.

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I haven't forgotten my promise to review the revue, or that I owe Nich a point-by-point. But I'm honestly just so knackered now that all I want to do is snuggle up with my Mat. Shall be blogging again later.

Well, I guess in the sense that I am lucky to have an understanding boss, who will let me have a week off work if I book it six months in advance, and lucky to have a Dad who will step into the breach when dogsitting plans go awry, yes, I am lucky. But in the sense that I am lucky I can attend at all? No. This isn't luck, this is the party making provision for skint/tight Yorksher Folk. I have taken the poor person's route, which is open to any party member. I have volunteered to do some work in exchange for a free pass and expenses.

Now, I have been working bloody hard, but this is only because I am doing a particular TYPE of stewarding. The stewards at the conference centre, so far as I can tell, have a high enough level of staffing that they can have a proper rota and regular breaks and things. Because there are only four of us on the fringe team (five when the floppy-haired youth joins us), and we have to cover hundreds of events in tens of rooms in five hotels, we have it a bit harder and a bit less formal. But it is still an enormous amount of fun (I'm probably having a lot more fun with the fringe boys than I would be in the BIC, if I'm honest), and it isn't costing me very much at all.

This isn't luck, this is the party saying: we want everyone to be able to attend conference if they want to; therefore those who can afford to pay can pay, and those who can't afford it can help us out a bit instead. I think it's a bloody good system, myself. It'd be nice if a few more people had taken advantage of it so that we could have a few more fringe stewards, like, but you can't have everything.

... for me at least. The lovely and impeccably feminist Welsh AM Peter Black and The Honourable Lady Mark seem to be having a slightly less fun day. I, on the other hand, have been doing a bit of door stewarding, a bit of wandering, did a very stringent security check on the sandwiches at Democracy Dragon's Den (they're pretty secure where they are now, let me tell you) which was fantastic fun, got a big grin on my face after being complemented by the utterly gorgeous and charming Mr Paddick again, and am currently lounging on my bed in the hotel while the floppy-haired youth mans the door of the Marriot.

Other stuff:

• There has been floated an utterly wicked and evil idea for the I'm 4 Ros campaign, which The Honourable Lady Mark said he couldn't possibly endorse (Mwahahahahahahahahaaa!). I must confess that Jason and I tried to implement it when we discovered the Segway round the back of the Marriot, alone and unguarded, but sadly the logistical problems were too huge (and we didn't want to be arrested).


• the Tories' Heteronormative Stripper Discount For Boys led to a discussion between myself and Daddies Richard and Alex about how we Liberals should go one better and have strippers to cater for all proclivities rather than just het men, which ended with Daddy Richard doing the most wickedly funny Vince Cable impression (I have discovered a new method of raising finance, and I now have enough money stuffed into my spangly jockstrap to buy Lehrman's bank!)


• Jon Ball running down the hill because he's late for an FCC meeting is ALMOST as funny as watching Lembit give Vince Segway lessons in front of the hotel.


• I hereby formally declare myself a simpering fangirl of Richard Reeves, chair of Demos, and Mill Geek extraordinare. Mainly because he had the same thought that I did about politicians in leotards.


• James Graham has the second deepest voice in the world (bettered only by the man in my icon ). Y'all know how I am with very deep voices. This is troubling, to say the least.


• You can always tell when Mary Reid is approaching because she smells DIVINE.


• The Indy thinks Lembit has the presidential campaign in the bag because of his celebrity status. And there are a lot of armchair members out there...

Oh, and one last thing? Congratulations to another deep-voiced lovely, George Takei, on his wedding! YAY! I hope he has many years of happiness with Brad, and that bigoted, idiotic people start getting over themselves about gay marriage soon. Honestly, why can't people just let each other enjoy relationships without moralising? [/obligatory liberalism]

I had a deputy for some of today, in the form of the very sweet floppy-haired eighteen year old intern from Cowley Street. He got very enthusiastic and even demanded ID from Vince Cable. Vince was very lovely about this. I didn't know whether to be proud or horrified, and managed to fall down somewhere between the two, and ended up looking like a total gimboid. I should have learned after the Scott Weiland incident that I am always going to end up looking like a complete pillock in front of people I admire...

I must also report, sadly, that I have been contaminated. I have been touched by the Hand of Dale. Well, technically, I shook hands with him. This is only going to add to the rumours going around conference that I am not actually all that gobby in real life (to quote a certain FCC bod). I am far too soft for my own good. Although I did also bitch about the price of his pamphlet, so it's not like I TOTALLY rolled over and simpered...

And speaking of the FCC, I seem to have developed an attraction for members of that august body; aside from the lovely Councillor Ball (whose dubious charms I am well used to by now) I have had exchanges with seven of them now, and nice long chats with two (Jeremy whom I definitely was not quoting above honest guv was particularly nice to talk to; possibly because he was clearly as knackered as I). I also went to my first ever conference debate in the main auditorium, which was rather cool. I know it's kind of old hat to everyone who has done this a zillion times before, but, you know...

The other main event of that day was the Campaign for Gender Balance auction, in which I failed utterly to win Drinks With Vince, despite an emergency cash injection from stephashley_fd (which was probably for the best, given the earlier incident) and nearly four grand was raised. I also failed rather miserably in my attempts to hand out I'm for Ros leaflets after the auction; mostly because everybody already IS for Ros, I think. I couldn't even get the Honourable Lady Mark to take one! Still, it's ironic that on a day when Lib Dems were (rather noisily) raising money to campaign for gender balance, the news breaks that the Tories get discounts on Lap-Dancing clubs. I hope the female Tory delegates are demanding commensurate discounts on male strippers for this sexist outrage.

People who have been lovely today include but are not limited to: Mary Reid, Brian Paddick (whose pictures do not do him justice and who has been wandering round oozing style and cheering me up immensely by doing so), Peter Black (again), Jeremy and Ian from the FCC, The Real Iain Dale (again), Jo Crispy-Strips, Lynne Featherstone, Ros and Mark (again again), Daddy Richard (who was carrying Millennium in his special blacked-out security bag), Daddy Alex (whose hugs and kiss were much appreciated), Jean-Claude Van Dave Croft, and Steph Ashley (whose babies I would happily have if there weren't severe biological problems with the idea).

In other news, I need a shower and the shower is only providing cold water. This is not good. My plan is to lie here in my own stench until the reek of me overwhelms the hotel staff into mending it, because I am actually too tired to move.

... And that someone is Nich Starling. Bless him. His article in the Total Politics Thirteen Quid Thin Pamphlet elicited many cries of "WHAT THE FUCK??!!" from me and hysterical laughter from one of Millennium's daddies. We particularly liked the bit about the Lib Dem Blogosphere being very "on message". LMAO!!! And Gavin Whenman, the sly bugger, got a free media pass by virtue of working for That Tory Blogger's Vanity Project. This means he got in for nothing without having to do huge long "voluntary" stewarding shifts. Sunny? Liberal Conspiracy needs to get it's arse in gear on this front next time.

The Campaign for Fluffy Justice didn't go as well as we'd hoped. Pink Dog and Linlithgow Lionel didn't show up; but the Real Iain Dale brought a lovely bear which has been donated for Shrubby. Still, there was much noisy support for the Real Lib Dem Blogger of the year, even from the actual winner.

Alix Mortimer got a much-deserved hat trick at the blog awards, and the other winners were Bad Science (YAY!), Peter Black (double YAY!) and the future Lib Dem Party President Baroness Ros Scott.

Other random stuff:

- lots of people are very lovely. This includes but is not limited to Steph Ashley, Alix Mortimer, Jo Crispy-Strips, Ros and Mark, The Real Iain Dale, Peter Black, Bridget who is running Ros's Presidential campaign, Helen Duffet, and both of Millennium's daddies.
- Gavin Whenman can be hilariously incapacitated by the sight of my (not massively impressive) decolletage.
- the pink bunny pizza place in bournemouth is rather cool.
- too much wine is not good
- Tanglefoot in boxes is worse.

Oh well, ought to go and do some work I guess.

Absolute nightmare getting here. Arrived at 2.30am, having been panicky in the car, and had a complete nervous breakdown at the state of the hotel room. The boiler for the hotel was in our room and was going all night and we got no sleep. So, have basically been awake for 36 hours now and am trying not to die. At least we got moved to a better room this morning.

Apparently one's hours as a volunteer steward are rather longer than I was expecting. I have been seconded to the fringe team, which means basically saying If yer name's not down yer not comin' in to people who try and gain entry to the hotel Nick Clegg is staying in, and where most of the fringe events are being held.

People who have so far got away with not showing me ID:

Nick Clegg.
Vince Cable.

People who have had ID demanded with menaces include:

Mark Pack.
Jo Swinson.
The Honourable Lady Mark Valladares.
Lots of teenagers from the BBC.

People who have been good and had their ID on display include:

Brain Paddick (who also complimented my hair).
Alex Wilcock.
Richard Flowers (Millennium was in his protective pouch and thus I haven't met him yet).
Jon Ball.
Lynne Featherstone.
Ros Scott (who also gave me an official I'm 4 Ros badge)
Lembit Opik (who was giving Vince Segway lessons outside at one point).

Have also run into Jo Crispy-Strips and lizw at a very interesting thing chaired by Susan Kramer about childcare (which is the one actual event I have managed to attend so far).

This is my "lunch" break, having started at 8.30 this morning, and I finish at 8.15 tonight. And then there is a brief sojourn to the stewards' party before the blog meet. I might actually make a couple of proper events tomorrow, if I can get my Southern Fairy of a team leader to agree to let me go. He says if I call him a Southern Fairy again he's going to make me start at 6.30am tomorrow... Have managed to get away without wearing the yellow shirt, though.

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Completely off-topic: can a fellow TGT mod take care of this?