The Five Count

I am going to be the biggest Austrian celebrity since Hitler...
Tippi Toes - Primus
All You Can Eat - The Fat Boys
Please Pass The Biscuits - Andre Williams
I Like Food - Descendents
(I Gotta Disease) I'm Addicted To Cheese
Pork Roll Egg And Cheese - Ween
Rice, Red Beans And Turnip Greens - Little Richard
Gobble, Gobble Goo - Shat
Don't Put Onions On Your Hamburger - The Dellwoods
Spam - "Weird Al" Yankovic
Who Me? - Buckethead

Featuring: Dustin Wilmes & Juston Cline

This was our special broadcast of "A Five Count Thanksgiving". During the show we discussed the numerous things we're thankful for, Ton told a story about his affair with Sheila E., and we explained to the listeners the best way to avoid making heinous stuffing.

We also premiered a brand new song from The Five Count House Band called "D.L.W." It was rather ripping. Hear the House Band shred through more renditions of your favorites at www.thefivecount.com.

...Thanks for celebrating Turkey Day the Five Count way!

I've just come to tell you how fabulous I am...
Tippi Toes - Primus
Big Gun - AC/DC
Up Your Nose - Gabriel Kaplan
Take A Chance - Blue Angel
Slaughter - Billy Preston
The McDonald's $1,000,000 Menu Song - McDonald's
Reckless - Ice-T & Chris "The Glove" Taylor
When I Get Low I Get High - Back Porch Vipers
Who Me? - Buckethead

Featuring: Dustin Wilmes & Juston Cline

This edition of The Five Count featured an intense discussion about the similarities between Ton and the sleepwear of cats, we calculated the odds of contracting H1N1 and herpes by fraternizing with the True Punks, and Ton sheepishly talked about roast beef all night.

...You may remember Ton from the "What's Goin' Down?" episode of "That's My Mama".

I eat rocks, in a manner of speaking...
Tippi Toes - Primus
Now I'm Freaking Out - Ween
I Got A Woman - Bill Cosby
Roaches - The Mask Man & His Agents
Spoon - Cibo Matto
Us Girls - Sha Rock, Lisa Lee & Debbie D
Live Wire - Fozzy
Boogie In Your Butt - Eddie Murphy
Who Me? - Buckethead

Featuring: Dustin Wilmes & Juston Cline

During this edition of The Five Count, Ton ate a bunch of wasabi and spit fire, Dustin ate a bunch of Herb Kroon cake and spit blood, and we discussed the various trends and slang words found in junior highs across the country that Ton has started over the years. We also celebrated the five-year anniversary of the True Punks Do Electro show.

...It's been a long, strange trip.

Never rub another man's rhubarb...
Tippi Toes - Primus
Impaler - Impaler
Cage Match Tragedy - Impaler
Chupacabra - Impaler
Speed Thrills - Impaler
Dead As A Doornail - Impaler
Where Is The Minnesota Ice Man - Impaler
One Nation Underground - Impaler
Shock Rock - Impaler
Who Me? - Buckethead

Featuring: Dustin Wilmes & Juston Cline

This edition of The Five Count not only ended our month-long run of Halloween shows, but also featured an interview with Bill Lindsey, founder and vocalist of the legendary shock rock band Impaler.

In addition to discussing the history of the band and playing some Impaler classics, we also conversed about Impaler's many run-ins with the PMRC and talked in great detail about the inner-workings of the American Wrestling Association.

...Take that Tipper Gore!

You're not interested in what happened to the bees?
Tippi Toes - Primus
Don't Talk To Strangers - Mr. T
Nightmare - 213
Dracula Has Risen From The Grave - The Coffinshakers
Tonight (We'll Make Love Until We Die) - SSQ
Box 'A Hair - Cornbugs
Robert E. Lee Broke His Musket On His Knee - Herschell Gordon Lewis & The Pleasant Valley Boys
Who Me? - Buckethead

Featuring: Dustin Wilmes & Juston Cline

This edition of The Five Count was the fourth round of our Halloween-themed shows. We played some spooky music and finished out the KMSU pledge drive by whining for dollars.

During the show we also received a call from a puppy mill owner, Ton explained the inner-workings of the economic recession, and we chatted with the proprietor of Crypticon, Minnesota's premiere horror convention. Dustin and Ton will be there on November 7. You should, too.

...Next week will feature a very special interview with shock rock pioneers, Impaler. It's gonna get messy next Saturday. Be there!

Since when did you like pumpkin innards?
Tippi Toes - Primus
Captain Lou's History Of Music/Captain Lou - Captain Lou Albano
Limb From Limbo Rock - John Zacherley
Addams Groove - Hammer
Cold Blows The Wind - Ween
I Walked With A Zombie - Roky Erickson & The Aliens
Nightmare On My Street - DJ Jazzy Jeff & The Fresh Prince
Who Me? - Buckethead

Featuring: Dustin Wilmes, Nora Myers & Juston Cline

This was the third installment of our Halloween-themed shows. It was broadcast live from the bowels of the KMSU boiler room. Together we were making spooky radio and begging for pledge drive dollars.

During the show we received a phone call from the ghost of Steely Dan, discussed the untimely passing of Ton's biological father, Captain Lou Albano, and unearthed all the strange things the station manager hid in the crawl space of the boiler room.

...Next week is your last opportunity to pledge money to KMSU (in the name of The Five Count) and receive your exclusive, personalized Five Count CD. Don't blow it!

I've got more trophies than Wayne Gretzky and the Pope combined...
Tippi Toes - Primus
Trick Or Treat - Fastway
Zombie Jamboree - Noel Anthony
Zombie Flanders - The Brickbats
Spirit - Doug E. Fresh & The Get Fresh Crew
Cry Little Sister - Sisters Of Mercy
Freddy Krueger - S.O.D.
I'm In The Ground For Good - The Newports
Who Me? - Buckethead

Featuring: Dustin Wilmes, Ashley Birk, Andrew Thrash & Juston Cline

The second installment of our month-long Halloween shows featured lots of scary music and scary conversations. During it, we had an angry caller reciting some poetry, discussed how the ghost of Herb Kroon (Best of Broadway host) haunts the KMSU studios, Dustin told the story of how he invented emo, and Ton shared some memories of his days as the original Noid, the Domino's Pizza mascot.

...Next week is the start of KMSU's pledge drive. Pledge money during The Five Count to receive fabulous prizes. Listen to next week's show for more details.

Up yours with a twirling lawnmower...
Tippi Toes - Primus
Devil's Food - Alice Cooper
Black Widow - Alice Cooper
Cannibal Zombie Mom - Mr. Fab
Poultrygeist! - Calamari Safari
Savin' The Day - Alessi
You Can Get Him Frankenstein - The Castle Kings
Nice Day For A Resurrection - Nekromantix
Creepy And Weird - Deadbolt
Who Me? - Buckethead

Featuring: Dustin Wilmes, Andrew Thrash, Nora Myers & Juston Cline

This edition of The Five Count was the beginning of a month-long Halloween extravaganza. During the show, Ton discussed the intense training regimen he uses to become huge, a caller shared some stories about being a ninja for hire, and we chatted with a young lady who told the haunting tale of what it's like to be the daughter of KMSU's Ms Lona.

...Next week will continue with our spooky Halloween tunes and terrifyingly sophomoric banter.

You know what ol' Jack Burton always says at a time like this?
Tippi Toes - Primus
Great Texan - Terry Funk
Don't Bring Lulu - The Andrews Sisters
Head Crusher - Megadeth
House Party II (I Don't Know What You Came To Do) - Tony! Toni! Tone!
Raising Heaven - Patrick Swayze
Surfing In Siberia - The Red Elvises
Get Outta My Face - Sagat
Who Me? - Buckethead

Featuring: Dustin Wilmes, Andrew Thrash & Juston Cline

During this edition of The Five Count we tried to pick up chicks from Alabama, talked about pro wrestler Terry Funk's perm, and Ton shared a story about his days in the musical combo Tony! Toni! Tone!

...Of course, they were known as Tony! Toni! Ton! back then.

I knew the art of skulduggery...
Tippi Toes - Primus
Machine Gun - The Commodores
Agony Of DeFeet - Parliament
Main Squeeze - Johnny Thompson
My Thang - James Brown
Funky - ST4
25 Miles - Edwin Starr
Across 110th Street - Bobby Womack
Say Blow By Blow Backwards - Fred Wesley & The Horny Horns
Tippi-Toes - The Meters

Featuring: Dustin Wilmes & Juston Cline

This was the special "Funky Five Count" edition of the show. We celebrated the four-year anniversary of Ton leaving his old show (The Mothership Connection) and officially joining The Five Count.

During the show, we busted out on the funk, Ton complained about not being black, and then he brought back his old "J.C. The Love Doctor" persona and helped the callers get laid.

...It was audio Spuds MacKenzie!

You're obsolete, Mario...
Tippi Toes - Primus
Bad Attitude - Honeymoon Suite
Lakeside Trailer Park - The Beat Farmers
Omission - John Frusciante
Rubber Biscuit - The Chips
True Fuschnick - Fu-Schnickens
Waltzing Matilda - Burl Ives
Who Me? - Buckethead

Featuring: Dustin Wilmes, Nora Myers & Juston Cline

This installment of The Five Count featured an array of entertaining happenings. We discussed the ways to avoid the swine flu, punching Shaquille O'Neal in the face, the amount of people (excluding women and children) that Ton murdered in cold blood while styling his hair, and the upcoming four-year anniversary of Ton's firing from the Mothership Connection.

In remembrance of Ton's Mothership firing (and subsequent Five Count hiring) we will feature a special "Funky Five Count" show next Saturday.

...Tune in and relive Ton's glory days.

We're gonna party with the Amish...
Tippi Toes - Primus
More Bounce To The Ounce - Zapp & Roger
Cross Road Blues - Robert Johnson
Blue Lips - Regina Spektor
I Heard It Through The Grapevine - The Slits
Gravy (For My Mashed Potatoes) - Dee Dee Sharp
Don't Download This Song - "Weird Al" Yankovic
Scraped - Guns N' Roses
Ivanka - Imperial Teen
Who Me? - Buckethead

Featuring: Dustin Wilmes, Nora Myers, Sam Schindle & Juston Cline

During this laborious edition of The Five Count we mourned the loss of Lionel Richie, later realized Lionel Richie was still alive, practiced our Skeletor impressions, and then Ton gave the callers the third degree.

...Best show ever!

You never know when Aunt Wilma's gonna stop by for lunch...
Tippi Toes - Primus
Thrashin' - Meat Loaf
The Bar Is Closed - The Wesley Willis Fiasco
Sex (I'm A...) - Berlin
I Don't Wanna Leave You On The Farm - Ween
Run's House - Run-D.M.C.
Everything Thermals - The Thermals
Winner Takes It All - Sammy Hagar
Satan's Got To Get Along Without Me - Buck Owens & His Buckaroos
Beat It - Wing
Who Me? - Buckethead

Featuring: Dustin Wilmes & Nora Myers

This edition of The Five Count offered tips to all the new students who just started school and explained the intricate workings of "give and take" that you need to make great radio. The Dirty Birds also taught us how to be "chill."

...We accidentally ruined the first 10 minutes of the True Punks. Sorry 'bout that.

I've got two sevens and two sevens beats a frush...
Tippi Toes - Primus
Revenge Of The Nerds - The Rubinoos
Are You Ready? - Ya Ya
Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Yellow Polka Dot Bikini - Devo
They're So Incredible - Revenge
All Night Party - Gleaming Spires
One Foot In Front Of The Other - Bone Symphony
Back To Paradise - .38 Special
Who Me? - Buckethead

Featuring Dustin Wilmes & Juston Cline

This was our special "Tribute to Nerds" show. We not only played musical selections dedicated to nerds, but we also had a very special interview with "Genuine Nerd" Toby Radloff. Toby discussed what it means to be a nerd, the harsh mistress known as Hollywood, and sang songs about toilet paper.

...Nerd, nerd, nerd, nerd, nerd!

Are you mad that you died at the end of Die Hard?
Tippi Toes - Primus
Twins - Philip Bailey & Little Richard
Full On Kevin's Mom - Soundgarden
Medico Brujo - Manuel "Loco" Valdes
Rich Daddy - The Dicks
March Of The Swivelheads - The (English) Beat
You Gots to Chill - EPMD
Who Me? - Buckethead

Featuring Dustin Wilmes & Nora Myers

We really helped a lot of people in need during this edition of The Five Count.

We started off by giving some gardening tips to a caller who needed to "grow a pair". After that, we reassured an apprehensive student about the positives of living in the dorms. STDs build character.

...Next week, tune in for a special interview with "Genuine Nerd" Toby Radloff. Toby has appeared in films like American Splendor, Killer Nerd, Bride of Killer Nerd, and is well known for his MTV appearances and YouTube videos. The show is sure to bring out the nerd in us all.

Move and I'll blow your afro off...
Tippi Toes - Primus
Birthday - Imagination Movers
Bop Gun (Endangered Species) - Parliament
Party All The Time - Eddie Murphy
Happy Birthday - New Kids On The Block
Neutron Dance - Pointer Sisters
Dumas Walker - The Kentucky Headhunters
Shockadelica - Prince
Who Me? - Buckethead

Featuring: Dustin Wilmes & Nora Myers

This was the special "Ton's Birthday Blowout" edition of The Five Count. Everything was going along swimmingly until we realized Ton didn't show up for his own party. Out of anger, the show was quickly changed to the "Caller One Birthday Blowout" show.

...Caller One was much more appreciative.

You scored 50,000 points on Double Dragon?
Tippi Toes - Primus
Send Me An Angel - Real Life
I Am - Static-X
Alone With The Moon - The Tiger Lillies
Put Your Money Where Your Mouth Is - Rose Royce
Coward With A Gun - Marky Ramone & The Intruders
Everlasting Love - Arisa
Five Guys Named Moe - Louis Jordan & His Tympany Five
Who Me? - Buckethead

Featuring: Dustin Wilmes, Nora Myers & Juston Cline

During this edition of The Five Count, we discussed the advantages of full-contact courting, the approaching Friendship Day holiday, and the mystery of Ton's recent bout of Dutch Elm disease.

...Next week, tune in for Ton's Birthday Blowout show! Call in and sing to him!

Find hungry samurai...
Tippi Toes - Primus
Dazz - Brick
Beat City - The Flowerpot Men
Creeping Out Sara - NOFX
I'm Gay - Let My People Come
Black Girlfriend - Porno For Pyros
You're Standing On My Neck - Splendora
Hunt - Sons And Daughters
Listen To Her Heart - Country Dick Montana
Who Me? - Buckethead

Featuring: Dustin Wilmes, Ashley Birk & Juston Cline

We spent this edition of The Five Count talking about how we spent our vacation. Birk spent it eating Spam in Austin. Ton spent it rescuing wimps from burning buildings. Dustin spent it alone, watching Ghostbusters. Birk followed up that discussion by bashing Prince.

...The rest of the show fell apart from there.

I plan to kill every one-armed man I come across here...
Tippi Toes - Primus
Take It Higher - Larry Greene
Simple Passing - Hammerbox
Willie And Laura Mae Jones - Dusty Springfield
Don't Sit So Close To The Television - Them Ickies
Thank Heaven For Little Girls - Ed McMahon
The People's Choice - Vanilla Ice
Disconnect - Rollins Band
Boobs A Lot - The Fugs
Who Me? - Buckethead

Featuring: Dustin Wilmes, Nora Myers & Juston Cline

Someone or something stole the general manager's meat from the station fridge, so The Five Count teamed up with The Dirty Birds to solve the mystery. We left no stone or caller one unturned.

...Unfortunately, the mystery of Gully's missing meat continues.

Is it the shoes?
Tippi Toes - Primus
Mami El Negro - DJ Laz
The Day Farrah Fawcett Died - The Vandals
The Calculation - Regina Spektor
The Brothers Cup - Red Hot Chili Peppers
Slap 'Er Down Again, Pa - Arthur Godfrey
Jurashiku Paaku - "Weird Al" Yankovic
This Story - Eyedea & Abilities
This Is A Picture - Shellac
Ebeneezer Goode - The Shamen
Who Me? - Buckethead

Featuring: Dustin Wilmes, Nora Myers & Juston Cline

This edition of The Five Count featured a rousing game of truth or dare with The Dirty Birds, a discussion about the effects of gravity on the digestive systems of canaries, and fire safety.

...Unlike last week, the entire show was broadcast this time.

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