Comic-Con can be overwhelming for anybody. Luckily, I’ve assembled this handy guide, giving you the goods on the most happenin’ panels in 2009!

THURSDAY

10:00-11:00 Escapist Fantasy
About time! I get so stressed out from those stark, gritty, realistic fantasies. (Room 10)

11:00-12:00 IDW Publishing: The Evolution of Comics
A pretty surprising choice, given that the “ID” in “IDW” stands for “intelligent design.” (Room 10, it’s on a roll!)

12:30-1:30 Crime: Usual and Unusual
Ugh, I’m so sick of all these crime people taking up more and more space each year from comics. It’s not called Crime-Con! (Room 3)

3:30-4:30 Seduction of the Innocent
Why isn’t this panel scheduled for Sunday? That’s “Kids Day.” (Room 30AB)

4:30-5:30 Drawing Upon Reference— Ron Lemen
Dennis Miller wasn’t available. (Room 30CDE, yes, that room actually exists)

FRIDAY

10:00-11:00 How-To Session: Tom Hodges
Finally, a chance to learn how to create your own Tom Hodges! (Room 18)

10:15-11:15 Farscape 10th Anniversary Panel
You know that a bunch of people are only going to come to show off their Farscape trophy wives. (Room 6BCF)

12:30-1:30 Future Fond Memories
I’ve got a future fond memory: not wasting my time at this panel! (Room 3)

3:30-4:30 Dark Horse: Creepy, Past and Present
Well, they won’t have a hard time finding people to fill up this panel! Not at a comic book convention, of all places! Haha, right? Yeah. (Room 3)

SATURDAY

10:00-11:00 How to Get a Job in the Video Game Industry
Topics covered include: writing a good cover letter, producing two valid forms of ID to show that you’re legal to work in this country. (Room 2)

1:30-2:30 Bram Stoker: The Joss Whedon of His Day?
Followed by: Charlotte Brontë: The Eli Roth of Her Day? (Room 5AB)

3:00-4:00 Little Lulu Fan Group
Make way for weirdos! (Room 24A)

4:00-5:00 How-To Session: Arthur Suydam
Step 1: Find an old comic book cover. Step 2: Make all the characters in the old cover zombies. The end. (Room 18)

5:00-6:00 What Is an Animated Film?
Is this really going to take an hour? (Room 3)

6:00-7:30 Gays in Comics: Year 22!
It seems weird to think about now, but before 1987, there were no gays in comics. (Room 6A)

SUNDAY

12:00-1:00 IDW: Making Old-School Comic Strips New Again
This panel promises to unlock the secrets of time travel! (Room 4)

12:00-2:00 Asian Ball-Jointed Doll Collectors
Well. That’s specific. (Room 32AB)

1:00-2:00 Ghost Whisperer Season Five: Everything New Is New Again
Camryn Manheim makes her long-awaited Comic-Con debut! (Room 6BCF)

2:30-5:00 Comic-Con 2009 Masquerade Playback
Uh, where’s the playback of the Asian Ball-Jointed Doll Collectors panel? (Room 8)

3:00-4:00 Comic-Con Talkback
Complaint #1: No playback of the Asian Ball-Joined Doll Collectors panel. (Room 5AB)

Blackest Night #1

By Geoff (He spells “Jeff” with a “G”? I’m confused already!) Johns, Ivan (“the Terrible...y Confusing”) Reis and Oclair (what kind of confusing name is that?) Albert

Reviewer: Issa Lee Confused—he gets confused easily!

I was pretty nervous going into this comic, since I’m not really familiar at all with DC Comics. Sure, I read Final Crisis, Death of the New Gods, 52, Countdown, Countdown: Arena, Countdown to Mystery, Countdown Presents: The Search for Ray Palmer, Infinite Crisis, Trinity, Crisis on Infinite Earths, Crisis on Multiple Earths, Rann/Thanagar Holy War, Legion of 3 Worlds, Titans/Young Justice: Graduation Day, Eclipso: The Darkness Within, Genesis, Day of Judgment, Millennium and every issue of JSA, but I’m not like, a DC expert or anything. And it pretty much seems like you have to be to understand their books!

Ugh. One page in and I’m already confused! Who is this creepy dude licking a skull? (Totally gross, by the way. DC goes overboard with the violence way too much. When Marvel does it, it’s funny, at least, like Blob eating Wasp in Ultimatum #2. That’s just fun, funny cannibalistic misogyny I can enjoy with my son. I don’t have one, of course. But if I did, it would be a nice moment.) “Thomas and Martha Wayne”? Am I supposed to know who these people are? Recap page, please!

Then we get to the double-page spread. I have to TURN THE COMIC AROUND to read the words? Are you kidding me? And what’s this bullshit about there being four Green Lanterns? I can barely keep one of these dudes straight! It describes one of them in the narration as an “artist.” Way to just throw something at the reader from out of nowhere! Not once in the first three pages was this guy ever depicted at an easel, holding a brush, markers, colored pencils or anything like that!

Next, there’s all these flashbacks to people dying. I haven’t read these comics where these characters die, so I was immediately taken out of the book. I don’t like to hear about things that I don’t already know about, so already I knew this wasn’t the 8-part mini-series event for me.

Some more stuff happens, and there’s some more talk about things that happened in comic books that I haven’t read. Then a bunch of people with no eyes show up.

Rating: Inexplicable.

 Ben: I didn't buy Legion of 3 Worlds

  I almost did

   but I flipped through it and didn't know who anyone was, so I didn't want to spend $4 on that risk

 Albert: you don't know who Superboy Prime is?

 Ben: obviously I know who he is

  I meant the other characters

  they're all just random legion characters from who knows where

 Albert: it's explained

  not that I think you'll like it

  but you know

 Ben: for $4, I was not so confident that it would be explained

  or that I'd like it once explained

 Albert: yeah I think that's the bigger issue

  I'm not even sure why you would consider buying

  it

 

 B

en: b/c everyone's jerking off to it

 Albert: only DC fans

 Ben: so what?

  I like some DC

  I'd like to like more

  I read Action Comics, the first DC comic ever!

 Albert: no, I'm kidding

  you're a DC fan

  you've probably read more DC comics than I have

 

 B

en: I don't knowabout that

 Albert: yeah?

  let's count

 Ben: though, I did read every issue of PAD's Supergirl

 Albert: OK...

 Ben: that's 75 for me

 Albert: I've read 17,612

  how about you

 Ben: probably like 100 or something?

  oh, there was Young Justice

  how many issues was that?

 Albert: WTF

 Ben: and Starman

 Albert: you've read more DC comics than Supergirl and Young Justice

 Ben: I've read a lot of Flash comics

  what else...

 Albert: you've read a lot of Batman comics

 Ben: no

 Albert: and Gotham Central

 Ben: Robin and Nightwing

 Albert: yes you have

 Ben: I've read a lot of those

  but not Batman -proper

 Albert: you have lots of Batman trades

 Ben: thsoe are just for show!

  ok, I have read those

 Albert: you've read Superman too

 Ben: so we're up to 544 now

 Albert: like during the Loeb/McGuinness era

 Ben: yeah, I did read all those trades

 Albert: or the Joe Kelly Superman

  yep

 Ben: ok, so 712

  still far short of your number

 Albert: don't forget about Gotham Central

 Ben: 745

 Albert: and all the Infinite Crisis lead in miniseries

 Ben: 12,554

  oh, and 52!

 

 Albert: haha

 Ben: 13,006

 Albert: did you read the Joe Kelly JLA run

 Ben: no

 Albert: you read some of Morrison JLA

  but you didn't like it

  JSA, you've read tons of JSA

 Ben: 13,054

 Albert: Stars and Stripe

 Ben:   13,068

  oh, those old JLI issues!

 

 Albert: yep

 Ben: though, I haven't read through all of them yet

 Albert: still

 Ben: 14,538

 Albert: and you read Booster Gold currently

  and Green Lantern Sinestro Corps War stuff

  and I think you read Green Lantern rebirth

 Ben: 14,552

  the sinestro corpse war I downloaded

  does that count?

 Albert: you still read it

  yes

  we're talking about reading

 Ben: ok

 Albert: not buying

 Ben: one of the first comics i bought in 1992 was a batman issue with killer croc in it

  so that's one more

 Albert: have you read the Dark Knight Returns

 Ben: yes

  and the sequel

 Albert: k

 Year One?

 

 Ben: but I already counted those

  I did read year one twice, though...

 Albert: Crisis?

 Ben: yep

 Albert: Mark Waid JLA?

  CHASE?

  Sandman

  that counts

 Ben: I don't think we should count vertigo

  opens a whole can of worms

 I did read those old Alan Moore Swamp Thing comics that were pre-Vertigo

 Albert: sandman was pre-Vertigo

  except for at the very end

 Ben: ok, I'll count that first trade

 Albert: so, y'know

 Ben: and the second b/c it had Dr. Destiny

  but that's it

 Albert: Daniel was in JLA

 

Ben: we're up to 15, 672

 Albert: and Lyta Hall has been in a ton of DCU comics!

 Ben: don't care, I'm not counting it

 Albert: the ninth trade should count too

  is all I'm saying

 Ben: it's a gray area, so I'm making a judgment call

 Albert: hmph

 Ben: you need to find 2, 000 more comics or else YOU will be the DC expert

 Albert: wait wait I miscounted

 Ben: what?!

 Albert: I counted all of my DC/Marvel crossovers as 1

  when they should have been .5

 Ben: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

 Albert: so my real number is 15,671!!!

  holy shit!

 Ben: dammit!

 Albert: YOU LOVE DC

 Ben:  *shame*

 Albert: haha

  good bit

  post it on the site

Ben: you

Albert: no

Ben: do it!

The Spectacular Spider-Man cartoon on KidsWB
by a bunch of guys that apparently never read a Spider-Man comic in their lives!!!

Reviewer:  A. Dolt - He's, like, in his 40s

Peter and the supporting cast:  Peter looks okay except he has this weird mole or whatever next to his left eye.  He doesn't have one of those in the comics.  Aunt May looks Asian, but she's not supposed to be Asian!  Liz Allen looks all Hispanic or Laotian, but she's not supposed to be either!  And Flash looks too big.  He's not the Hulk.  Everyone's got these gigantic saucer eyes like their on acid or something!  Only Harry has done acid.  It makes no sense that the other character should have saucer eyes, too.  Harry's voice sounds stupid and is too high-pitched.  Gwen has glasses?  She shouldn't have glasses.  And why is she and Harry going to Midtown High?  They don't meet Peter until he goes to college!  Also, Gwen wasn't shown fucking Norman Osborn at all!  Not even once in the entire hour!

Curt Connors has a robot arm?  No way!  He has a missing arm!  That's why he turns into the Lizard -- because he's trying to make a new arm.  If he already has a robot arm he should be totally content to live as a freak with a robot arm.  It makes no sense.  And why does Eddie Brock work for Connors?  And why is he already friends with Peter?  He shouldn't know Peter until he becomes Venom and all of that is after he's a reporter for the Daily Globe.  Then they show Connors' wife as a scientist, too?  She's a housewife, not a scientist. 

Then they show the Bugle.  JJJ has a soul patch or something on his chin?  He's just supposed to have the hair on the upper lip.  JJJ lists a bunch of guys that work there and one of them is Lee.  I don't remember a reporter named Lee from the comics.  If they're trying to refer to Stan Lee, that's dumb because Stan Lee never worked for a newspaper.  He worked for a comic company.  Are they trying to say that the Daily Bugle is a comic company?

Villains:  Vulture is the wrong color and they explained his origin all wrong.  He never worked for Osborn and he didn't get his name because Osborn called him a buzzard but then he forgot and called himself the Vulture.  He just called himself that because it was a good name.  The Enforcers looked different than they do in the comics.  They shouldn't be wearing wet suits.  Fancy Dan barely did anything fancy.  Then they show Electro and he works for Connors, too?  No!!!!  Electro's costume is all wrong, too!  And his origin is wrong, too, of course.  He should've been an electric company worker that was repairing some faulty wires.

Sweepstakes:  I paid attention to every single villain Spider-Man caught, so I could enter the sweepstakes on the KidsWB website.  Then I see that only kids age 5-12 are eligible?  WTF

Continuity rating:  ZERO!

It's a sad day for Spider-Man fans this week.  Joe Quesada basically killed off our favorite character!!

 <-- Click for larger image

It's almost time to head to San Diego! Here's a sneak peek on the hot hot hot panels you're sure to find Ben and I at. This is Thursday and Friday, Saturday and Sunday coming soon!

THURSDAY!
10:30-11:30 U.S. Postal Service Marvel Super Hero Stamps—U.S. Postal Service issues Marvel Super Heroes commemorative postage stamps. Please join Mickey D. Barnett, member, U.S. Postal Service Board of Governors, for this official first-day-of-issue ceremony! Room 6A
The Con is known for bringing out the celebs, but netting Mickey D. Barnett of the U.S. Postal Service Board of Governors might be the biggest coup yet! I haven't heard yet if he's going to be signing in the autograph area afterwards, so this might be your best chance to snag a pic with MDB!

3:00-4:00 Comic-Con Talkback 1—You’ve experienced the first day of Comic-Con—and more than likely Preview Night, too—so let the Comic-Con staff know what you think. Have a problem, a question, a concern, maybe even (gasp!) some praise? Come to this panel and talk to Comic-Con management team members. Room 4
A Comic-Con tradition! I know I'll have plenty of gripes from the first five hours, and I can't wait to hear what's putting a bee in my fellow Con-Men's bonnets!

FRIDAY
10:30-11:30 Comics Arts Conference Session #5: Disguised as Clark Kent: Jews, Comics, and the Creation of the Superhero—Superheroes were created by Jews. Is that significant, or a complete coincidence and no big deal? In a reading from his provocative new Continuum book, Disguised as Clark Kent: Jews, Comics, and the Creation of the Superhero, longtime Spider-Man editor and author of Superman on the Couch Danny Fingeroth explores the backgrounds of the young, largely Jewish men from Eastern European backgrounds who created the most well-known superheroes. Fingeroth will discuss how the creators' Jewish backgrounds may have helped make superheroes the most familiar popular culture icons of all—on TV, in movies, and in electronic media, as well as in comics. Room 30AB
This one is actually a recommendation to AVOID. Not because of the content, but because the numbering of the Comics Arts Conference Sessions is really getting unwiedly and is surely intimidating for new fans who want to get into the panels.

11:45-12:45 Marvel Comics: Cup O’ Joe
What's this panel about? Coffee?

2:30-3:30 Third Annual Valiant Comics Open Conference—Join Kevin Vanhook, Mark Moretti and Valiant fans across the world to discuss the Valiant Universe. Other past Valiant artists including Jim Calafiore will be on hand for an ask-anything panel, up close and personal. Celebrate the return of the Valiant Universe with the impending Harbinger: The Beginning hardcover next month. What else is in store from Valiant? Room 24A
This is exciting, because there was a lot less to talk about in the first two open conferences!

4:30-5:30 New Voices in Graphic Novels
This is intriguing because usually you can't here voices in graphic novels. Maybe it's like a book-and-tape type of thing that was big when I was a kid.

6:00-7:00 Confessions of a Game Designer
Sounds saucy! Does his wife know he's doing this?

If you could publish a book that would make you a million-billion dollars, but you didn't publish it, that would make you a fool, right? Well, I don't see any of the following Essential volumes currently on the shelves. Logically, that makes Marvel a fool (or a company full of fools, though, I suppose that isn't really fair since most of them don't have a say in which Essentials get published)!!!! And you know who hates fools?

( Click here to find out who hates fools... )

I've been learning how to use Photoshop and (after being mocked for not doing this already) figured I should post some of the stuff I've created.  Some of this was used in discussions of the recent increase in misogynistic Mary Jane statues and tentacle rape covers.

I started out simple with a parody of those Batman boner panels from superdickery.com.

It’s been a long however many years, but Spider-Man 3 finally opened today!  It was a pretty awesome movie, if I do say so myself.  It reminded me how important it is to stop crime, but it also reminded me of my Spider-Man 3 Speculation entry. 

I was right about the Gwen Stacy and Willie Lumpkin cameos, but I wasn’t right about any of the others (except maybe Eternity).  I thought it would be nice, instead of just writing a review, to name my top 3 favorite cameos from Spider-Man 3!

 

Ben's thoughts on Mighty Avengers #2:

Ben: might[sic] avengers was really goddamn good
Ben: I really want to bang ms. marvel
Albert: well
Albert: wishing won't make it happen
Ben: I WANT TO BANG THE SEVENTH SENSE OUT OF HER
Ben: I'M GOING TO BANG HER UNTIL SHE SCREAMS THAT SHE NEEDS A MAN TO FEEL LIKE A WHOLE PERSON!
Ben: UNTIL SHE AGREES TO GET PAID 75 CENTS FOR EVERY DOLLAR A MAN'S PAID!

Are you ready for the biggest comic book scandal of the year?  This story is SO BIG that Rich Johnston of Lying in the Gutters fame REFUSED to run the story!  I assume he was scared!

Look which Marvel employee we spotted buying DC comics for half-off cover price!



We're hiding his identity in the photo to protect his job, but we will offer the following clue:

"I nearly cried out 'jiminy' when I realized that this Marvel employee, seen here buying DC Comics for half-off cover price, would make an excellent Mondo Marvel Panel MC considering his can-do spirit 'n enthusiasm."

Figure it out yet?  No?  Think about it.

Stay tuned for a more complete photo report on this year's Wizard World LA (and maybe a report about last summer's San Diego Comic-Con)!

HBO and DC Comics recently announced that the critically-liked series Preacher will be adapted into an HBO miniseries.  This is great news, right?  I’m ecstatic with happiness, right?  WRONG!  This ruins everything, and I’ll explain why.

The San Diego Comic-Con starts this Thursday, so I thought it would be appropriate to take a strole down memory lane and look at some photos from last year’s convention.  These are exclusive to TDN and have never been seen before.

 

It isn't hitting the shelves until August, but thanks to Rich Johnston, it seems like we've already read and jerked off to Alan Moore's new porno epic, Lost Girls.  That makes this the perfect time to unveil TDN's newest concept - the Preemptive Parody.  This is where we parody a comic based solely on the hype and internet buzz that surrounds it. 

This particular parody also represents my first foray into adult fiction.