fook yoo (![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} coolndarklyeeri) wrote in ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/community.gif){kind=small} the_blackrosary,@ 2007-02-19 18:50:00 |
|
| Current music: | Placebo - Running up that hill |
a small gesture, prt 1 of 2
Title: A Small Gesture
Written by: coolndarklyeeri
Pairing: Ray/Gerard
Rating: NC-17 for some language and strong sexual content.
Summary: They came from two entirely different worlds: one in which appearances and secrets consume, and one that another divagates lost and alone... But they're brought together for one unforgettable night... because of a simple act of generosity.
A/N: I come bearing another Ray/Gerard story - something that I started towards the final chapters of my last one, and probably inspired by my new fixation of this pairing. AU because I obviously never write enough of those. This was supposed to be a standalone but wound up being a bit bigger than I thought so it's going to be posted in two parts. Both parts are a little lengthy, too.
Dedications: The delicious and nutritious dolphingoddess and venus_moon because your flea-ridden elves make me itch with love. And chemical_stripe who wanted this story desperately. XD and my new beta who rocks cocks: un_rose_noire.
*Archived at cerebralpausing
cross-posted to mychemicalslash, better_mcrslash, toro_thighs, and mychemicalporn
Ray yawned for the tenth time in that same hour. Not only was he lost and it was late, and about to snow, but exhausted on top of that. And, of course, the gauge was hovering near empty. Ray had no idea where he was and couldn’t risk passing any gas station he came to as he wasn’t sure when the next one would be. As soon as he saw one, he pulled in. He decided he’d take care of several things while he was here: Get directions, fill the tank, and then get a hot cup of coffee.
Ray’s breath was visible as he pumped the gas. It was freezing though that didn’t come as any sort of shock. It didn’t make matters any easier for him, however. The coat and scarf only did so much, yet he still shivered as he stood. Ray just wanted to hurry it along already; exhausted and half-dead from driving. It’d been a long day. Getting lost didn’t help.
He decided to fill the tank first before he did anything else. He continued to yawn even as he stood by the car holding the gas nozzle. He was stiff all over and, at the moment, could think of nothing better than a nice bed to curl up in—a nice warm bed. He shivered even as he yawned, huddling up in his brown leather jacket and wool scarf. Ray rubbed his eyes under his designer, thin-framed glasses that he wore for driving and reading. He was swaying where he stood and hung up on the thought of that coffee. Upon impulse, as he stood there, he decided to try and fill the tank up even though he was ready to get this seen to, so he can run in, get his coffee, get directions, and get back in the car with his really good and toasty heater.
Ray stayed hunched up to his shoulders from the cold as he walked up to the entrance of the convenience store. He’d been on the road since around ten a.m. this morning and figured that he’d be in that city by now where he was commuting to a district meeting. It wasn’t his first time making such a commute with his job, but it was his first time the commute took him through New Jersey. Somehow, he’d taken a wrong turn somewhere and now had no earthly idea where he was. He wasn’t even sure what part of New Jersey he’d wound up—or for that matter, if he was even still in New Jersey.
As Ray went inside, breathing into his bare fists and rubbing them together to ease off the painful chill, he passed a young man standing at the magazine rack, looking through one of the magazines. Ray didn’t notice him, even as the young man watched him enter into the store before returning his attention back to his reading.
He went immediately to the coffee machine in the store. As the cup filled, he could detect its warmth that felt so good against his frozen hands. He couldn’t wait to start drinking it where it’ll bring him more alert as well as warm him from the inside. Once he added the condiments like cream and sugar, and applied the lid, he went up to the counter. He saw the clerk who was reading a magazine himself and appearing unaware he had a customer. But as soon as Ray put his coffee on the counter, the clerk said, “Which car is yours?” He didn’t even look up. If Ray wasn’t so tired, he might have found something like that terribly amusing, considering his was the only car out there.
“Honda Civic,” he answered almost shortly but kept himself in check. He was tired and getting uppity with the gas station clerk wasn’t going to solve his immediate problems—it could even make them a tad worse where his coffee would mysteriously go up in price from seventy-five cents to five dollars. Right now, this clerk had all the power. So Ray had to keep his cool.
The clerk’s eyes slipped over to the gas pump gauge before returning it back to the magazine. “That’ll be $21.50.”
Ray was suddenly swept over with embarrassment. He only had twenty-two dollars cash on him and was pretty sure that price didn’t yet include the coffee, seeing as the clerk had not looked up from his magazine and only peered at the gauge where Ray had used the pumps. He’d not even rung up the coffee yet.
“You take credit?” Ray asked, feeling silly that he’d use a credit card over such a small purchase but he absolutely needed this coffee.
“Nope, cash-only after ten.”
Ray shut his eyes, turning to his right. “Damn it!” he whispered to himself, then had another thought. “Do you have an ATM machine then?” Ray decided it wouldn’t hurt anything to have some extra spending money. He probably should have thought about that before even taking on this trip, but knew he’d be driving through Jersey and didn’t want to risk carrying any large amount of cash on him.
“Machine’s out of order.”
Ray was about to curse and consider this much-needed cup of coffee a lost cause when out of the blue a tentative and pale hand slipped up in front of him, coming from his side, where a quarter, four dimes, one nickel, and five pennies were deposited on the counter. Ray turned to the source of this hand and saw a quiet and smiling boy standing there. He appeared a bit sheepish even with his pleasant demeanor. He was a little on the short side, maybe between five-six to five-seven; short, black hair with parted, choppy bangs, and perhaps a bit pale; clad in a black hoodie that was completely zipped up; and large, baggy black jeans.
“Hey, thanks,” Ray said softly when he realized this young man had given him enough to get the gas and the coffee.
“No problem,” the young man replied back to him, a wispy smile on his somewhat girlish face. “I know what it’s like to want a cup of coffee and not be able to get one. And even though the coffee here’s not all that great—” His words were cut off when the clerk said, “Hey, you can kiss my ass, Gerard!” The young man laughed and continued to Ray, “Even though the coffee’s not all that great here, it’s not like there’s a Star Bucks open this time of night.” Then he brought his hand out, looking right at the clerk as he said, “Take it easy, Brady.” But before he could leave, the clerk called Gerard over. Ray watched as he stopped and went over to the clerk then leaned up.
The conversation was in whispers, but Ray barely picked up the clerk saying to him, “It’s supposed to snow later. You got a place to crash?”
The young man shrugged. “Don’t worry about me. I can take care of myself. I’ve been doing it this whole time, right?”
“Yeah, but—”
“I said don’t worry about it, I’ll be fine.”
Ray decided he was eavesdropping into something that wasn’t his business, so he just put the rest of his cash down and paid for the gas, realizing it had been his exhaustion that caused him to over-pump. It was only logical. Well, at least he had plenty of gas and his cup of coffee. Now all he needed was directions.
Ray’s savior soon turned and walked out of the convenience store as Ray was snooping around for a map to where he was. It turned out the convenience store only sold city maps. Ray didn’t have enough money to buy one, but hoped that just reading it will give him an idea of where to go from here next. But first he needed to know where here was.
“Where am I at?” he said to the clerk who’d taken his magazine back up. Without even looking up from the page he said,
“You’re in Belleville.”
Ray lowered his brows. He studied for a moment before finding Belleville on the map but couldn’t seem to figure out how he wound up here. He needed to find The Garden State Parkway. He looked up to ask the clerk how to get there but saw that he was too wrapped up in his reading to be bothered. Still, he was having a difficult time with this map and finally said, “Can you tell me how to get to The Garden State Parkway?”
“It’s in Washington.”
“Washington?” Ray muttered to himself and looked for it again on the map. He studied and studied it till he finally grew frustrated and looked towards the clerk again, only to see that he wasn’t at the counter anymore. Wherever he went to, he must have disappeared while Ray was trying to locate Washington. Great, hopelessly lost with a piece-of-shit map and nothing to help!
Ray finally put the map back and turned to leave the convenience store at last. This was turning out to be a really long night and realized that he may have to call Allison and let her know that he might be home later than he expected to be. Ray sighed. At least he had coffee now, thanks to that nice young man in the store. The coffee would get him through this without the possible threat of falling asleep at the wheel.
As soon as he stepped outside, he crossed by that young man again—Gerard was it?—standing at the entrance of the store, leaned against it, and smoking a cigarette. Why he was still there, Ray had no idea, but his thoughts were too focused on getting back to his car and praying for some sort of miracle that he find his way to his destination without anymore issues to arise.
“Hey, have a safe drive, man,” he heard Gerard say and Ray turned towards him. He saw him taking a drag, one eye a bit narrowed as he looked at Ray, almost with a smirk on his face.
“Thanks,” Ray replied to him, then lifted the coffee as he added, “And thanks again for...”
“You’re welcome,” he said with a smile. Ray was about to turn back till a thought came upon him. He stopped and turned back to the guy as he continued to smoke his cigarette against the convenience store.
“Can you tell me how to get to Washington from here?”
The young man smirked. “You’re hell and gone from Washington, dude. That’s like more than an hour away from here.”
Ray slumped. “You’re kidding!”
He shook his head with that same wispy smile that Ray noticed on him earlier as he paid for the coffee Ray was sure he’d have to sacrifice. He took another drag from his cigarette and the smoke was soon exhaled in a thick, heavy cloud as his humid breath mixed in with the tobacco.
“So what’s your name?” he then asked between puffs of smoke.
“Ray.”
The young man finally pried himself from the wall, walking up to Ray and extending his hand. “The name’s Gerard. So where you headed?” They shook hands and Ray couldn’t help noticing how soft his was, even if the grip was hardy enough.
“I’m actually supposed to get to Garden State Parkway.”
The first flakes of snow had already begun to fall, and Ray felt them landing on his cheeks. He saw them accumulating on Gerard’s soft black hair at the top, like the roof of a house in the dead of winter.
Gerard nodded as Ray answered his question. He appeared thoughtful, biting on his bottom lip. “GS, huh? Ummm... You should know I really suck at giving directions.”
Ray sighed. “Perfect. This is just turning into a really long night.”
“So, is this trip business or pleasure?”
Ray half-smiled. “Business, of course. I can’t imagine any trip through Jersey being for pleasure.” Then a heat filled his face as he glanced at Gerard. “No offense or anything.”
“Oh, none taken. I couldn’t agree with you more, in fact. I just got kicked out of my apartment like a few weeks ago and believe me, being homeless in Jersey is no fucking picnic.”
Ray’s face relaxed into concern. “Homeless?” he said softly, somewhat bewildered. Gerard didn’t look like a homeless person; not like Ray would have expected him to. His hair was short and soft instead of long and ratty; his clothes were common and in decent shape other than a small hole at the side of his pocket, rather than some ragged combination of whatever he could find that would fit and keep him warm. He had no smell either, though that may have been due to the cold weather. To look at him, he appeared just like a regular kid hanging out at a convenience store. He was even attractive.
Gerard shrugged. “Yeah, but it’s no big deal. I’ve been getting by, y’know, crashing with friends whenever I get a hold of them, and I’ve been staying at this shelter that’s like a few blocks from here. But I spend a lot of my time at this place ‘cause Brady’s a good friend of mine and he gives me cigarettes whenever I need them, and whatever left-over food they didn’t sell at the end of the night.”
Ray was surprised that he was opening up like this when they’d only just met this moment, yet spilling out his life-story, tragic as it seemed, like it wasn’t even a concern in his mind. To him it was just another day. Ray then took notice of the coffee that this man took the liberty to pay for when it was probably all the money he even had. Jesus and he didn’t even know Ray.
The snow was coming down heavier and Ray noticed that Gerard’s jaws were chattering even as he spoke. It was freezing and his coffee was about to get cooled off. He probably needed to go right there and try to make it to the GS Parkway
“Hey, you need a ride to the shelter?” he asked Gerard, thinking he didn’t want to leave unless he returned the generous token that Gerard had done for him. For all Ray knew, that was everything he may have had. This guy gave everything he had to a stranger just so he could have a cup of coffee.
“Seriously?” Gerard said, his smile bright and his teeth charmingly small. “Cuz, it’s kind of a walk from here and, as you can see, the snow’s really starting to come down.”
Gerard was right. Ray could plainly see that it was growing thicker and whiter all around him, and his car was already under a thin layer of powder.
“Absolutely. I mean, you bought me this coffee, so it’s the least I can do.”
Gerard nodded to the offer and they both went to the car. Ray went inside last after scraping off some of the snow from his windshield.
As they started down the road, Ray noticed Gerard had gotten kind of quiet, biting on his fingernails and looking out of the window every so often. He was quite young-looking, around sixteen or seventeen at least. His eyes, large and laden with black lashes that stood out against his pale skin, seemed a sign of his youth. They were large like a little boy’s with the same sort of vibrancy. Even for a homeless kid he appeared unperturbed by his own circumstances. It was those eyes, however, that betrayed his masculinity. They were interesting; this exotic color that went beyond definition: kind of green, kind of honey, kind of goldenrod.
“Hey, I appreciate you doing this,” Gerard said as he kept his eyes in the direction of his window. It startled Ray, as he’d not realized he’d been staring that long at him until he’d spoken up. “Most people see a homeless person and they’re like, ‘Oh my God, he’s going to totally rob me! Or ‘Oh shit, he must be a junkie or an alc’.’ Sometimes shit happens in life. And it doesn’t always happen to assholes.”
“So what did happen?” Ray asked. “You get evicted?”
Gerard shrugged. “No, my fucking douche boyfriend went mental on me and threw me out without a penny to my name and nothing but the clothes on my back.”
Ray suddenly went stiff all over, his face growing hot and his eyes quickly averting to the young man and the road every so often. He was gay? Ray thought he was surprised about it but saw in hindsight it shouldn’t have been that much of a shock. He recalled the way Gerard held his hand out before they shook, and the slow way he took drags off his cigarette with his eyes closed and his head turned.
“Another thing I run into a lot, that’s always a lot of fun, is people assuming that I got AIDS being gay and homeless as well.” He chuckled a little to himself. “Douchebags.”
Ray instantly tried to play it off that he was uncomfortable, clearing his throat and shifting in his seat. It seemed he didn’t do that great of a job as Gerard had caught it and turned towards him. “Um, that’s not a problem for you is it?”
Ray turned back towards him. “What? About-About you having...”
“No,” Gerard said in a scoff, “about me being gay.”
“Umm—oh, no; no, that’s not a problem. I mean, you know it’s... fine... whatever.”
“Oh...” Gerard said. “Cuz, you got this look on your face just now that makes me think you’d be more comfortable if I was a junkie or an alc’.”
Ray shifted in his seat again, trying to appear as relaxed as he could even as his eyes suddenly fixed to the road like it was taking every ounce of his concentration.
“Don’t worry, it’s not contagious or anything,” Gerard then added when he saw the continued discomfort of the driver. “I’m pretty sure that you driving me to the shelter will not infect you with gay.”
Ray smiled, his face getting warm. He shook his head even as he fixed his eyes on the direction of the road.
“And I don’t think your wife would be too pleased about that sort of thing anyway,” Gerard continued, finally bringing the mood to another level. Instead of discomfort, it became confusion.
“How’d you guess?”
“The ring’s a dead give-away,” Gerard said, pointing to Ray’s left hand. He looked at it like he’d not realized he’d been wearing it this whole time before putting it back on the gearshift again.
“Oh,” Ray said, laughing in embarrassment, “of course.”
“And for the record,” Gerard added as a final note, “no, I don’t have AIDS. I’ve only ever been with one guy, really, and we always used protection.”
Ray turned back to him. “Oh, of course. I’m-I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to...”
“It’s okay.” He put his finger back to his mouth. “You’re fine. Don’t worry.”
The car started becoming stifling hot and Ray realized he was still in his leather coat. The heater had been going the entire time and it went from cozy to sultry in no time at all. So Ray started to take his coat off, trading hands for the wheel till it was gone. Under his coat he wore a dark-green turtleneck that clung tightly to him. It was made of wool and insulated heat rather well—perhaps too well in combination with the leather.
He pulled his coat off a sleeve at a time, trading hands on the wheel and keeping his eyes straight on the road. He was also careful in how he took it off, the precision he underwent making him remove it slowly. His concentration had been so keen that he’d gotten it all the way off before he noticed Gerard from the corner of his eye, watching everything he was doing with his eyes fixed upon Ray’s chest; Ray unaware of how his movements made more snug that already-tight turtleneck sweater that clung against his prominent chest area. Ray spent much time in the gym, working out to cope with his frustrations: the frustrations of his job, his home life, and the constant dwelling of obsessions he did what he could to clear from his mind. In the process, he’d developed a strong, defined body. His arms were like those of a blacksmith, a torso lean and tight, and a hard, smooth chest perfectly squared and considerable; his thighs were thick and solid, and connected exquisitely to his lean hips. None of these things made a difference to Ray, but he was fully aware of what he had.
As soon as Ray caught this look Gerard had snapped away like he was hiding that he’d watched such a show uninhibited. A pink tinge came upon those light cheeks and he went back to biting his nails again.
Ray lowered his brows but didn’t know what to make of it, unwilling to acknowledge the feeling it gave down into the pit of his stomach, or the sudden rush of heat that washed through his back. He was just seeing things—whatever it was.
“Turn right here,” Gerard said as he pointed in that direction.
“Right here?”
“No, right here. You go right at the stop light.”
Ray nodded. “So how old are you, if you don’t mind my asking?”
Gerard looked up from his nail-biting then looked down and shook his head. “Oh, I don’t mind. M’twenty.”
He was a little older than Ray expected, quite sure he’d say he was seventeen or even eighteen years old. But Ray wasn’t entirely off at least.
“And you?” Gerard asked, perhaps figuring if Ray didn’t think it would be a big deal to ask then he wouldn’t mind answering the question himself, since they were on that topic.
“Thirty-three,” Ray said.
Gerard nodded. “Any kids?”
Ray shook his head. “Nah, no time for kids yet; Allison and I are working on it though, sometime in the near future if I ever get some free time from this job I have.”
“Allison’s your wife, I’m gathering.”
Ray nodded.
Gerard looked at his fingers. “So... So how long you guys been together?”
Ray thought about it. “Five... years?” he said glancing at the boy, and then he nodded. “Yeah, about five years now, give or take.”
“Wow, that’s cool. You must be really happy then.” He dropped his eyes even as Ray relaxed his face upon those words, his eyes filled with a new kind of discomfort.
“Yeah. Very happy,” he said softly, which Gerard seemed to notice but didn’t push, evident in the way he turned towards Ray with a thought upon his face and words that appeared on the tip of his tongue; however, he dropped it, turning back to his hands that he was very much fascinated with, having not taken his eyes off them from the moment he got in the car.
After it became quiet other than the quick directions that Gerard gave, Ray then finally asked, “So why aren’t you staying with family right now?”
Gerard turned his head again, looking out the window and hiding the flush of embarrassment that filled his cheeks. Ray noticed how quiet he’d gotten and turned to him for a moment to see him staring despondently through the passenger-side window.
“What’s wrong? Don’t you have any family?”
He still didn’t answer the question and Ray saw right then he’d touched a nerve. He felt awkward and paranoid that Gerard was going to start yelling at him, cursing him out, telling him to mind his own fucking business. He wasn’t up for that sort of tension, being as he’d only just met this young man tonight.
However, Gerard finally sighed to himself and said, “Some...Sometimes when you’re gay, you don’t have family that’ll take you in. Especially when they kicked you out in the first place because you told them you were in love with a guy.”
Ray’s heart sank and he found air leaving his parted lips. “Damn, Gerard, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have—”
“No, it’s okay. You didn’t know. I mean, it’s a reasonable question. But I have a few friends and stuff that I hang out with... and they sometimes let me have their couches once in a while, let me get a hot shower. And there’s Brady at the convenience store. So I’m getting by. I mean, I got the shelter most of the time anyway.” Gerard trailed off then, picking at his nails as Ray returned his eyes to the road, shifty and unsettled that he’d brought up such a sensitive subject, and wondering if Gerard was upset at him and trying to hide it. It didn’t stay quiet for long when Gerard looked back up and said next, “Besides, it’s going to turn around soon anyway. Brady says that one of the day-shift guys is quitting—probably this week and as soon as the position opens up the job is mine.”
Ray turned back to Gerard. “Oh hey, that’s good.”
“Yeah, it’s something. A start. And-And he’s talking about paying me a dollar more an hour than he normally does those who start... just because...”
Ray nodded. “Should get you back on your feet soon.” Gerard nodded as well, rubbing his eyes and yawning. Ray wanted to think that things would work out for Gerard like this. It’s a job and a job is a start. But how much can Gerard trust this thing? He came off like he was putting all his hopes on it. Sure, Brady was his friend, but what if he didn’t come through? What if he decides to hire someone else, or the other guy decides to stay? Then what? But there was no use in bringing these questions up. All it would do was frustrate the boy; bring down his hopes. What good would that do either of them?
After that it fell into awkward silence as Ray still nursed some embarrassment over bringing up such a touchy subject over the boy’s family and still thinking about the job that may or may not be there for him later. After all, it didn’t strike Ray at all that there was a date set, or a definite time for Gerard to start. Sounded iffy. No. No use in worrying about it. It wasn’t his business anyway.
During this silence, the music played and the heater continued to dish out warmer and warmer temperatures till Gerard finally said, “Hey, you mind if I take off my coat, too? I’m getting kinda warm.”
Ray looked at him. “Oh, of course not. Go right ahead.”
Gerard started to remove his coat, accidentally brushing a hand over Ray’s shoulder as he did and catching the man’s eyes. Gerard dropped the look quickly, suddenly bashful with an expression like he would say a quick and sheepish “sorry” that didn’t come. Instead, he just blushed and half-smiled, returning his gaze out of the window. Once more, Ray didn’t put too much thought into it. The kid was obviously very shy. It was kind of charming in a way.
Gerard tossed the black hoodie in the back seat of the Honda and sat back, getting somewhat more comfortable, still quiet, still gnawing his fingers off that Ray had to smile slightly to himself about. He must be nervous in this car with a stranger. It was kind of adorable, actually. He was the homeless kid, used to people being nervous with him, yet he was likely writhing in his seat over the idea of being in someone else’s car. It made Ray wonder what all he’s been subjected to... and if perhaps this wasn’t the last time anyone had done a kind thing for him—except then it came with a price of some sort. No. Ray doubted that. And he certainly wasn’t about to impose such a thing. After all, he must have seemed like an old man next to this boy.
Ray kept his left hand on the gearshift as he drove. Like anyone who drove a five-speed, he kept his left hand there to more readily shift the gears when it was time. As things remained quiet, Gerard became more and more antsy. Soon, his leg was moving, crossing his ankle over his knee and in doing so, brushed his thigh against the hand that rested upon the gearshift.
Gerard’s eyes crept in Ray’s direction immediately, shifting his leg that accidentally touched Ray’s hand. He realized he noticed this because he’d looked in Gerard’s direction as well, and caught another smirk coming upon his lips that he tried to hide behind his hand.
“Sorry,” he said sheepishly, not even looking at Ray now.
“Oh, no problem,” Ray replied with a smile before looking back to the road again. A blush crept upon his cheeks as well, but thinking it was just another hot flash from the heater, of a mind to turn it down or off.
Ray couldn’t stop pondering why Gerard had gotten so antsy when before he was at ease and even making a few jokes. He seemed to have gotten apprehensive as soon as he got in the car. Was it something he was doing and just not aware of it? He glanced at Gerard who caught this look and returned it, veering his eyes away again like he couldn’t even look at Ray. He was obviously just really shy.
Then it occurred to Ray: Honda Civic, leather coat, designer glasses... Gerard must be nervous because he was getting a ride from someone who was well off, perhaps thinking about how well Ray must have it, assuming his life was happy and his marriage was perfect. What did he have to base that on, because they’d been together for five years? Where Ray came from appearance was everything. They’d been together for five years but it was hardly a marriage. Allison with her connections, Botox and collagen injections; the expensive hair salon she simply had to go to every single day and have her hair styled by a professional since, God forbid, she ever attempt it on her own. Not to mention waxing, clothes, and credit cards he’ll be paying for the rest of his life. Yet, Gerard didn’t know all this. As far as he was concerned, Ray was happy. And why was that? Because he apparently had it all, and this boy had practically nothing. Maybe he was shy because he felt... so small and insignificant next to this man; this man who was willing to return a token of kindness out of some sort of personal obligation.
“It’s right there,” Gerard said, pointing to the cathedral that was coming up at the next turn. Ray saw it and pulled the car up to it at the entrance. For a few moments they sat there in silence as Gerard continued to chew on his fingernails. Ray wasn’t sure why he was stalling... Maybe he was waiting on something Ray would say to him. He caught the boy darting his eyes that way, not exactly looking directly but peering from the corner like he was aware Ray was looking at him and feeling awkward about it; unwilling to return it but still taking notice it was happening.
“You take care of yourself, Gerard,” Ray said softly. Almost too softly, making Gerard close his eyes a little, almost like he were disappointed. Did he expect something else? Ray wasn’t sure what else he could do.
“Thanks for the lift, man,” Gerard replied just as softly, practically a whisper. Ray wanted to know what he was thinking. He wanted to crawl inside that head and learn all the thoughts that were running through it, to know what he could do so that the smirk and charm would return. He liked that about Gerard. He liked that in spite of his circumstances that he could still muster a smile and find a moment of humor in anything.
“Absolutely. It’s the least I could do. You have no idea how badly I needed this coffee.”
Gerard smirked, still facing outside of the window. “I have a pretty good idea. I can tell how exhausted you are. Probably been on the road for hours and got yourself in Bum Fuck Egypt trying to find GS Parkway.”
Ray chuckled. “Is it that obvious?”
Gerard appeared suddenly sheepish and withdrawn, looking at his fingers that toyed with the hem of his shirt. “You may as well get a hotel for the night or something. There’s a good one just another block or two from here... Josh used to work at it... Josh is my ex. Anyway, it’s got continental breakfast and good rooms an’ all.”
Ray sighed. “You’re probably right. I mean, I couldn’t make heads or tails of that map and I don’t think even the coffee’s going to save me from passing out at the wheel.”
Gerard smirked again, bringing those fawn-like, golden-green eyes back in Ray’s direction at last. He was about to speak, the words dancing upon those small, peach-colored lips like he was about to make some sort of charming joke, something clever before lowering his brows like those words leapt from his mind to be replaced by a springing of questions instead. Those eyes were so interesting: the color, the shape, those long black eyelashes. They made him look so young, almost girlish. They went well with his pale skin and those small and almost pouting lips that had their own charm. Whenever he spoke it seemed one side moved more than the other, putting a slight dip to the corner of his mouth. He did that when he smiled as well, when he smoked a cigarette, when he laughed at all.
“What?” Gerard asked slowly
Ray suddenly shook his head like he’d just snapped out of something, not realizing till that second that he’d been staring at Gerard that whole time like he’d gone into a trance. “Oh, nothing. Why?”
Gerard dropped the look, not worrying anymore about the question, and just merely said, “Well, I guess I’ll go now. Thanks again for the ride.”
“You’re welcome.” Gerard opened the door to get out when Ray suddenly added, “I’d... give you some money if I’d not spent it all on the gas.”
Gerard eased back in, on the verge of getting out of the car. He smiled, looking at his fingers. “Don’t worry about it. You did enough tonight.” He turned to leave, getting out of the car and trotting up to the cathedral entrance to escape the cold. Ray half-smiled, still feeling a bit guilty that he did little more than drive the boy to this shelter when he pretty much gave Ray everything he had just so he’d have a cup of coffee, that was sitting in the cup-holder likely tepid now. Ray sipped at it anyway as he pulled back onto the road and drove down the street till he made it to the stoplight again. He sat there for a while, getting a bit frustrated at how long it was taking the light to change, especially his car being the only one waiting at the intersection. But he took advantage of this to get the coffee drank down a sip at a time, finding it warm enough to take heavier swallows. He was perking up a little already but realized that it still wouldn’t be enough once he hits the road again; and with GS Parkway being an hour from here... He then remembered about the hotel. He’ll be late getting there but he figured that a phone call might be enough to spare him from any tribulation he may suffer from that sort of tardiness. And he may as well call Allison, too, when he gets there.
He looked behind him towards the direction that Gerard had pointed to when he’d mentioned the hotel, showing that it was in the other direction. As he looked behind himself, Ray suddenly noticed the black hoodie that Gerard had left in his car.
“Shit,” Ray whispered to himself. He was going to need that thing, especially tonight. Even if he’s in a shelter, there’s still tomorrow. And as heavy as this snow is becoming, it’ll likely be several inches by morning.
As soon as the light changed, Ray pulled back into the gas station to turn down the other direction on the road, driving back to the shelter. When he got there, he grabbed the hoodie and went up to the entrance. The priest that was tending the shelter answered after a few knocks.
“May I help you?” the priest said. He was an old man; gray-haired from what was left, and bald on top. His hands shook from Parkinson’s as he stood behind the slight crack in the door that he emitted only his face through.
“There was a young man here, short black hair. Name’s Gerard?”
“Oh yes. He comes here often.”
“Ah. Well, he left this in my car and I’m just bringing it back to him.”
The priest sighed, looking down. “I’m sorry. This shelter is out of beds tonight because of the snow, so he’s not here.”
Ray looked down, suddenly feeling a worry crossing into his heart. “How long ago did he leave?”
“Not too long,” the priest said. His shaking hand then pointed in the direction that Gerard was seen heading last. “If you go that way you can probably still catch him.”
“Thank you,” Ray said then turned and left the cathedral, hurrying back to his car and pulling it out towards the direction the priest pointed. He drove only half a block before he caught the boy walking along the side walk, huddling his arms over his chest and very noticeably shivering. Ray pulled the car next to him, honking the horn before he did and startling Gerard.
“Hey, what are you doing back?” he said when Ray pulled up and rolled the window down. “Need directions to the hotel?”
Ray found himself taken aback by the question. Surely, Gerard had considered by now that he’d left his coat in Ray’s car, and Ray assumed the first thing out of his mouth would be: “You got my jacket?” Instead, he shows concern for Ray even while shivering and huddling himself against the cold.
“Well, now that you mention it,” Ray replied, “I probably do. But that’s not why I came looking for you. You left this in my car.” Ray handed the black hoodie to Gerard as a smile entered his soft and pretty face.
“Oh yeah, thanks. I realized after you left that I forgot to grab this.”
“So what do you plan to do tonight?” Ray asked, noticing the heavy snowfall in the high beams of his headlights.
“Oh...” Gerard said softly, looking ahead of himself. “I know some people. I was just heading down that way to see if they’ll let me crash on their sofa tonight. I’m hoping they’re home.”
“You need a ride up there?”
“If you don’t mind.”
Ray nodded as Gerard put on the jacket again and headed up to the car. They started down that way as Gerard pointed out the turns Ray was supposed to make. Yet, with every one, Ray saw that the places were becoming more and more dilapidated, and the neighborhood was getting darker and dingier and much more frightening. Gerard was headed towards the slums in this city. Ray found his driving slowing down, as if afraid he’d get attention for it. The neighborhood would notice he was driving a Honda Civic and suddenly come upon the notion that he must have money.
“Have you stayed with these people before?” he asked as a way to distract himself from the paranoia.
“Ummm, like once or twice. If they’re not throwing any parties or got the house full of people already. Sometimes they can’t take me in though. I was hoping tonight wouldn’t be one of those ‘sometimes.’”
Ray stitched his brows, glancing at Gerard. “Wh-What do you have in mind if they can’t take you in?”
Gerard sighed. “I dunno. But I’m sure something’ll work out. It usually does.”
Ray thought about all this. He imagined Gerard going up to the front door and being turned away or not even getting an answer, and then he’s out wandering the streets in this heavy snowstorm. He didn’t want that to happen to Gerard. He was obviously a nice kid, just having some problems. It’s not his fault that his boyfriend was a jerk.
Ray then had a thought—but one he wanted to dismiss. It would be crazy. He hardly knew this kid... But still, there was something about him. Ray turned his attention to Gerard as he sat in the seat, charmingly gnawing away at his fingernails and staring out of the passenger-side window like he’d been before. He was apprehensive all over again sitting in the car and just watching the snow falling down. God, he was just so harmless-looking and bashful as they come. His hair was also stringy and it was obvious he’d not bathed in several days. Even if this boy did get a couch to sleep on, what were the chances he could get a hot shower as well? Or even a decent meal that wasn’t greasy gas station food?
His eyes then wandered down over Gerard’s torso, watching his legs that were crossed, ankle over knee, and he remembered when he’d sat like that the last time: the way his thigh had inadvertently brushed Ray’s knuckles as he kept his hand on the gearshift. An urge to run his flattened palm over that thigh struck like lightening where it was powerful and instantaneous. And those eyes. Those eyes were stunning and impossible not to get lost in. The color, the shape, and those long black lashes—Ray couldn’t see a dangerous person lurking behind such eyes. He was a sweet kid and looked to be more afraid of Ray than Ray had obviously been of him. He just couldn’t see such a creature being anything other than what he was: a guy having some problems but gracious and accepting, even rather generous himself. What was there not to trust?
“Look, I’m getting that hotel like you suggested. Why don’t you room with me tonight?”
That finger slowly left that set of pouting lips slowly, like Gerard was astonished over what he heard and wanted to make sure it was heard right. He eased his eyes in Ray’s direction.
“Seriously?”
Ray couldn’t help noticing how those cheeks flushed a bright pink color, livid against that light complexion and making him almost startling to behold.
“Absolutely. You can get a comfortable bed, a hot shower, and breakfast in the morning.”
Gerard suddenly dropped his eyes, no longer blushing the same and he appeared sad now.
“I-I aint anyone’s charity case.”
Ray felt a heat enter his own cheeks right then. “It’s not charity...” he whispered, but Gerard cut him off.
“Look, you gave me a ride to the shelter, and even though they didn’t have any beds and that wasn’t your fault or anything, you still did enough for me. I mean, come on, it was just one lousy cup of coffee.”
Ray found himself caving to that previous urge to touch the young man’s leg, merely resting it upon his suddenly bouncing knee like he was soothing him; perhaps even putting a halt to that shaking.
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth, okay? I want to do this for you.”
Gerard looked off to hide his flushing cheeks. “But why?”
“You seem like a nice kid. I trust you. I mean, it’s hard not to trust someone who gave a perfect stranger everything he had so that guy can get a cup of coffee, that I’ll add was very much needed that minute.”
Gerard shrugged, unwilling to even look in Ray’s direction, suddenly and apparently more bashful than before. He barely concealed behind his fingers a helpless smile that entered his lips; just a grin, his face brighter than ever. “Yeah, well...” He continued to bite his nails, not saying another word for a few moments, but then finally spoke up. “If I didn’t need a fucking shower so bad I’d probably not do it, but... you know...”
Ray smiled, turning his attention back to the road, getting the car into a u-turn lane and heading in the direction towards the hotel, getting instructions from his passenger, who continued to sit there quietly, unwilling to meet with Ray’s eyes, still gnawing his fingernails, and bouncing his knee even more rapidly than before. He peeked over at Ray that was seen in the corner of Ray’s eye but wasn’t returned. In the fog of his peripheral vision, Ray saw that he smirked behind his fingers before dropping the look and peering back out onto the road again.
