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A Step Away From Needing Therapy...... [Mar. 8th, 2005|08:44 am]
the gift

I gave Buffy one last hug before walking off in the direction in which was home. I guess she was fine..she kept saying she was and well she wouldn't lie..sure she has a couple times but I don't think she would like about her well being. Maybe it was just her way of dealing with mom's death. Guess she had been out patrolling since everything happened which I guess could make your forget..I don't see how but I don't think like Buffy does..or at least I try not to. I could still remember everything that happened at the funeral.

I also keep thinking about the last day I had with mom. She was actually going out with some guy from the gallery. Brian I think. Buffy and I were making fun when mom kept asking about how her outfit looked. And we got mom to spin around like five times. It was really funny. Then she still wasn't sure about her dress so I said 'spin again, real fast this time' Then mom went out on her date. And we hung out a bit. She played some board games, ate pizza and watched movies. Then after that It was time for me to meet the gang at the magic box. I hugged mom and told her I loved her and she did the same and that was it.

Buffy had came in after I had already gone to school and she found mom. She was fine before I left. She had even had my lunch packed. I gave her a hug and a kiss and then got to school. Then later that day in art class Buffy showed up and told me. I still wonder if I had stayed home a little longer than mom would have been alright.

I sighed and continued walking through the graveyard but stopped when I heard some people talking. So naturally I had to find out what was going on. I mean it could have been a couple vampires. I could handle that. When I got closer I noticed Angel was there. I walked a bit closer and was shocked at who I saw. There was no way!. How was it possible!

"Buffy!..how...how did you beat me here?"

I looked back in the direction I had come from. Then something clicked in my head and I turned back and looked at Buffy once more. I gave her a look over and rose an eyebrow

"And when did you have time to change your clothes?"

That's when I noticed Buffy tilting her head to the side a little bit. And I realized that there was something behind me. Please don't be a vampire. A vampire behind you never a sign of good.

I turned around to see that girl who had been in the house that one day. She was looking for her key. I thought it was stupid. All that trouble just to find one little key. I soon found out later that the key she had been looking for wasn't exactly a house key, car key etc. I continued to look at her and that's when I started taking slow steps back so I could be by Angel and Buffy rather then this close to Glory.

(Open to Glory, Buffy and Angel)
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(no subject) [Feb. 7th, 2005|11:30 pm]
the gift

[Continued from here]

Her hand squeezed mine and I pulled her a little closer to me. I knew that she needed comfort, and I'd do my best to give it to her. Although, I also knew where that comfort might lead, and that wasn't fair to either of us.

"I don't know, I haven't really spoken to her since the funeral. She's dealing with this better than I expected.."

Not really a great night with the questions for Angel, huh? Dawn was probably trying to keep it together when she was infront of Buffy. I doubt that she was really together inside though.. more than Buffy thought.

"I don't even know what I'm supposed to do now that this is over with. Mom wanted me to take guardianship over Dawn but I haven't got the papers yet.."

"We'll figure it out, Buffy." Thinking for a moment, I thought of staying until she got everything settled. Wesley and Cordy could take care of things back in L.A. while I was gone. "And I'll stay until everything works out."

I wrapped an arm around her as she laid her head on my shoulder and just sat with her. We sat in silence for a little while and I just caught myself staring off into the graveyard. My eyes occasionally scanned the area just to make sure nothing tried to sneak up on us while we sat. This was a graveyard, after all and that's the one thing that Buffy doesn't need right now. She just needs a little quiet in her life for once.

Sighing, I turned my head slightly towards the side, thinking I heard something. Shaking it off, I focused back on Buffy again.

"You know I'd like to sit here forever with you, but do you think you should get back to your house? You could check on Dawn before you go to bed."

I rested my head on her's as I spoke and with the arm that was wrapped around her shoulders, I rubbed her arm just a little. If she wanted to go I'd go, but if she didn't want to leave, I'd stay here with her until she felt like she could leave.

[Open to Buffy and Spike and later Glory]
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boring day at the office [Feb. 7th, 2005|08:37 pm]
the gift

[mood |boredbored]

Ok so Angel went to Sunnydale to help out there. Which I can understand Buffy and Dawn need him after what happened. I can only imagine how hard it must be for them. Besides not like Wesley and I couldn’t take hold of things ourselves. We were already doing that, well then he came back and expected us to just act like nothing happened. I mean come on sure you come in playing hero once again and saving the day, which I’m grateful for, but you can’t expect everything to be ok. He walked out on us and now just like that he came back.

So Wesley and I have just been keeping to business, must admit it gets rather dull at times. The whole vision thing hasn’t been happening too much lately and when it does it’s just been small cases. Besides it isn’t too bad to drag Wesley along to the shopping malls. You should see the look on his face, he always asks me why I need more clothes, I mean hello a girl can never have enough clothes.

I glanced over at the phone as I paced back and forth in the office. “Come on Wesley” I said to myself. Wesley had gone out about an hour ago to get me some coffee. I glanced at the door then back at the phone. I was starting to get antsy, I was hoping that either someone would call or Wesley would come strolling in with one of those smiles spread across his face telling me some lame story as to why it took him so long.
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Sleepless in UC Sunnydale... [Feb. 2nd, 2005|11:02 pm]
the gift
Emotions rolled through as I continued to think about Joyce, Dawn and Buffy throughout the night. I couldn't sleep not knowing that everything was going to be alright for them. Of course it would be eventually but the whole transition part was mainly my worries. I pulled the covers up to my shoulders slowly as to not wake up Tara. It had been a couple hours since we went to bed and I still couldn't find the energy or lack there of to sleep.

Everytime I closed my eyes I kept seeing Joyce. Of course the funeral was a closed coffin but I couldn't help but imagine her in there. At there funeral it was pretty rough, I didn't even know if I could hold myself together. My mind was telling me that it was ok that she had moved to a better place but my heart was broken in some ways. Joyce was like a mother to me and to have her gone was great sorrow for me. I cried harder than I had ever before at the funeral, letting everything flow through and it still didn't help.

I watched everything around me and tried to be a warrior about the whole thing. If it wasn't for Tara, I would be completely lost. I held onto her through most of the funeral for some sort of comfort and it helped, she was my amazon. I watched Buffy as we headed to the grave yard. You'd think that would be easy in itself the many times we had been there but it wasn't. She was the strongest of all of us but yet the most afraid. I wanted to hold her and tell her everything was alright but she was distant.

It wasn't till after the funeral I got a few words from her, they weren't much but 'take care of Dawn.' I wanted to talk to her so badly but I knew it wasn't the right time. Buffy always had to come to me otherwise it wouldn't be good. I held tightly to Tara as we left and I hoped that Buffy would be ok out there. I wondered if she left a little after we did, I told Dawnie to call her before she went to bed but I never saw her pick up the phone.

Dawn was quiet too but I think that was mostly on my part. I was so driven to study for tomorrows advanced psychology test to keep my mind off of things. For the most part it helped and I had all the vocabulary and meanings memorized which would easily make me pass the test. Dawn somewhere in the middle of all of it tucked herself in and went to bed. After a couple more hours of studying I did the same.

I started to doze off just a little and the next thing I knew it was four in the morning. I looked at the clock and realized I only had about two hours left of sleep before I had to get up. I was starting to get comfortable enough to sleep but something wasn't right. I looked around the room as I turned on a lamp. Everything seemed in order until I looked down at an empty sleeping bag. I let out a gasp and hurried to get out of bed.

"Ohh Gods"

I shouted as I turned on all the lights. I saw Tara move in the bed and I didn't want to wake her. I opened our door and looked out in the hall, I didn't see her anywhere so I headed for the bathroom. I didn't know why I was so worried right then when she could of possibly went to the bathroom but after checking our floor and the two above and below I started to panic. I ran to my room quickly, I had to find her. I put on some shoes and was about to head out. I reached over at Tara and tried to wake her just a little.

"Tara baby, I have to go find Dawn. She left sweetie.."

[open to Wesley TARA :D]
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Second best [Jan. 27th, 2005|10:41 am]
the gift
[mood |determined]

I stayed indoors as long as I could, but Spike's request for me to stay in the crypt interfered with my set logic pattern. I'm capable of two things: worship Spike, and slaying. Seeing as how he hadn't been back for a while, I shifted into the thing-I-do-second-best mode.


I am the Slayer after all, or...I was modeled after her anyway. From the top of my head to the flats of my feet--a perfect replica. 'Just as good, if not better, than the real thing'; that was Warren's promise. He really is amazing. Granted, he's no Spike, but he runs a close second in my book. I wonder how he's doing...

Weaving around the tombstones in the graveyard, I tossed my stake up and caught it, repeating the action over and over, idly. Wow, slaying was less eventful than I had envisioned it. Or, maybe I'm doing it wrong...

Slayer--Me! Check

Hmm, this could pose a problem.

"Hello? Resident vampires of the 'East Sunnydale Heights' cemetery?"

I frowned some as the only response I got back were a few scattered chirps from East Sunnydale Heights...crickets. I'm the Slayer, not the exterminator. This wouldn't do at all. Although, it's almost the same thing...just on an itty bitty scale. Nobody likes bugs. Who needs them? Same goes for Vampires. See! Not really that different.

Sighing, I kept walking, determined to slay...something before the night was through. I was growing impatient...till I came across a saving grace. Uh-huh! A vampire. He was just rising from his still fresh grave. His torso was completely freed, while his other half was still submerged below the earth's surface.

"Hiya!", I greeted him with a cheerful smile. "Do you require any assistance?"

He looked at me oddly then surveyed his surroundings.

"Uh, you talkin' to me?"

"Well, I don't see anyone else sticking our of a grave who needs help."

"Who said I needed help?! I'm--fine."

He struggled, once again, in attempts to free himself and failed miserably.

"Right... Forgive my poor judgment. Please, continue. I can wait."

And I did just that. Waited...and waited, for a good fifteen minutes or so as he fought to free himself. He finally managed to do so and I applauded his efforts.

"Congratulations, but I'm afraid I have to kill you now."


His features shifted into the usual vampire bumps and fangs. Rolling my eyes I scoffed and pointed to his chest where I had already swiftly plunged the business end of my stake.

"Sorry, kinda already beat you to the punch, Buddy."

Tilting my head I watched as he turned to ash infront of me then blew away with a sudden gust of wind.

Well, that was...anticlimactic, but oddly satisfying. Saving the world, one pathetic vampire at a time.
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(no subject) [Jan. 26th, 2005|04:49 am]
the gift

[mood |jealousjealous]

Stubbin' out my smoke, I paced around my crypt. Sun's almost down and I can go and pay my respects. Tried to do that but monkey boy Harris was bein' a right prick. Doesn't matter though, doesn't matter at all. Joyce knew I cared, she knows now and that has nothing to do with her eldest or what I feel about her. No, don't love the bint at all. Liar. Lyin' sod I am. But still nothin' to do with Buffy. Not one bit.

Grabbed up my coat, puttin' it on and headed out to the night. Only a short distance I suppose. Grabbin' another fag out of my pocket, I light it, thinkin' of all the times that Joyce and I talked, 'bout Dru mind you, but she understood, probably thought I was crazy for even wantin' that trollop again, but I did. Now I don't, but that's another story, another story I don't even wanna jump in.

Stalkin' through the graveyard, I stop in my tracks when I see Buffy and the Poofster. Rollin' my eyes, I take a drag and just stand there, watchin' them. Huggin'. It burned me but I couldn't turn my eyes away. Of all the times I wished she would just look at me the way she does him ... never happen, I know that, but I still hope. Now I know I can't go over there, she'd just turn me away like Harris did. Tossin' my smoke, I look over a little and see where Joyce was buried and pay my respects from over here. Lookin' on for a little while.

Turnin' around, I walk back the way I came and instead of goin' to my crypt I walk toward Main St, and walk inside to a bar. Ploppin' down on the seat, I look up at the bartender, tellin' him what I want.
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(no subject) [Jan. 23rd, 2005|11:40 pm]
the gift

When the call about Mrs. Summers came, we were all shocked. Angel and Cordelia more so then I, since I've never really met her. But the few times I did meet Mrs. Summers...Joyce, as she insisted I call her, I can honestly say she was a very nice lady. And a true lady. She loved both her daughters and did an admirable job or raising her without the help of her husband. Of course I didn't think so at the time.

No back then I thought that a Slayer should fight alone, not bothered by friend and certainly not by family. But her mother knew what she was and her sister as well. Though, Dawn wasn't actually there when I was. But I'll be damned if I can get my brain to understand that. Not that it matters, she's Buffy Summers sister in every possible way. Except that Joyce never really gave birth to her. But then again, if there's anything I've learned during my life, it's that biological family isn't all that wonderful.

When we heard the news, Angel of course went over to Sunnydale. He wanted to make certain that Buffy was alright, and her sister. Wanted to make certain that they'd be taken care off. Neither Cordelia and I had any real objections, even if we did have to run an agency. I assured him we could handle thing for a little while and he should take his time. Those poor girls just lost their loving mother, they're going to need all the support they can get. Joyce Summers will be greatly missed. Not just by her daughters.

But that still means that Cordelia and I are alone at the moment. Which of course for Cordelia means that she's having a ball. Not that she didn't do whatever she wanted to when Angel was still around. But even more so now. At time I wonder why I'm coming in to the office at all. Other then for our daily snarking session that is. I really enjoy that, not that I'd ever admit it to her. Or she to me. I think we both know. It's been rather boring without Angel around to annoy while doing that. Nor did Cordelia have many visions. Two to be exact. And we were able to handle both cases without much difficulty.

To say that we're both bored, would be an understatement. That could be dangerous, considering the idea's Cordy sometimes comes up with to treat boredom. So, each day I sit in the office, waiting for Cordy to show up. Nervously sipping my tea and wondering what another day at Angel Investigations Minus Angel will bring.

(Open to Cordelia)
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Puffy eyes.... [Jan. 20th, 2005|09:34 pm]
the gift

I laid there holding onto Xander as I kept remembering the funeral. It was weird for the most part, no one was really talking except to say 'I'm sorry for your loss' or the continued to talk about how good a person Joyce was. Which she was but I wasn't even sure if half of those people actually knew who she was. I tried extremely hard to keep quiet and not interrupt the ceremony, which made me even sadder and I had tons of questions about the whole process.

I hadn't ever actually been to a funeral before but I couldn't help but stare at everyone as they cried. All of them seemed to let her go in different ways including Xander. He wasn't crying that hard but he held onto very tightly as if I possessed some sort of comfort. As I heard him it even made me start to tear up knowing that he was going through pain. It wasn't physical but it was mental and on some level I understood that.

What made it worse was the eery calm I sensed from Buffy. I knew she was more upset than any of us yet she tried her hardest not to show it. Was she stronger about holding her feelings in than the rest of us, does that come in the slayer package. Whatever it was being near her sent chills down my spine.

After all was said and done I realized now more than ever I'd never see her again. I didn't much see her before and a thought occurred to me. What if I ever needed help teach me cook, or if I ever needed her to help to help me wallow over one of Xanders little outburst. Of course I'd never done that with Joyce but now I can never do anything with Joyce.

I snapped out of it as squeezed tightly to Xander. He seemed to be doing much better after the little game we had played. It was nice, almost the best we'd ever had. I smiled as I started to remember something on Oprah I watched the other day. It was interesting actually more than I thought it would be. Usually I tune in to catch the shimmer that is her and how people look up to her. There is of course more to her than that, like she was worth ALOT money from doing this show.

I crawled onto of Xander and lightly pressed his lips against mine. He had a knew tone in the way he was behaving and I was assuming it was all because of Joyce. Everything seemed to revolve around her but the most part now It was beginning to be more interesting. I started to play with his less greasy hair, I could tell he didn't apply that nasty gell this morning.

"That was nice..." I reached in for one more kiss, "We should do that more often without the funeral part in the morning of course. It's actually quite interesting coming back here and us having sex"

Keeping both Oprah and Joyce in the back of my mind, I wondered if he was thinking the same thing or if this was grief sex. Which of course was more than just fine but there seemed to be something lingering about in his head.

"Are you thinking of Joyce too?"

[open to Xander]
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Everybody I Know...Keeps Dying Or Leaving [Jan. 12th, 2005|10:10 pm]
the gift

I stood looking in the mirror. My hair was left down and I had on a black dress. I knew that as soon as I walked out of my room things would be different. I heard Buffy call for me. I sighed and opened up my bedroom door. We then got into the car and made our way to the burial site. We got out and walked to moms grave site. Buffy and I along with the gang were seated at the front. Buffy and I sat next to each other. Giles was on the other side of me. And then the gang went down from there. Then our family and friends sat all behind us. The only person I didn't see was Dad.

Buffy and I were called up to mom's casket. I wiped my face and gave Giles a small hug then Buffy and I walked up together. I held on to my sisters hand. I watched as Buffy placed the flowers in. Then I hugged Buffy and she headed back to her seat. I placed my flowers in to along with a little thing I had made saying the best mom in the world then I smiled at her and went back and took my seat.

We were then all asked to stand. I leaned my head on my sisters shoulder as a few words where said. The ashes to ashes, dust to dust. It was now over. I looked at mom's grave before I turned around and hugging friends and relatives. Some stayed around but soon there were fewer. I didn't want to stay here anymore. So I asked Buffy if I could go with Willow and Tara to there place and Buffy eventually said yes.

With Willow on one side and Tara on the other we left the cemetery. And stopped at the house to pick up a bag. I changed out of the dress to into red track pants and a red shirt both with the number 7 on them. And packed a sleeping bag and pillow and then we left and arrived at Will and Tara's place.

I followed Will and Tara in and was greeted by there cat Miss Kitty Fantastico. So I rolled my sleeping bag out on the floor beside Willow's bed and put my pillow at the top. And sat down. Putting my duffle bag under Willow's side of the bed. Miss Kitty Fantastico had already made herself comfy on the side of my pillow. I petted her head.

It was already dark outside by the time we got here. So I got under the sleeping bag and laid down on the floor. Miss Kitty Fantastico curled up into a ball on my pillow.

(Open to Willow and Tara)
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Lost emotion [Jan. 11th, 2005|11:38 pm]
the gift

I held her tightly as the preacher carried on with the funeral. Dawn needed my comfort more than ever right now, and I needed hers in a way. I held my head down and listened to the echos of the Preacher. I tried hard to listen to him but his words didn't comprehend with me. None of this seemed real it seemed to be more surreal than anything.

I watched them all one by one, as they grieved. I wished that I could just let go as they were but I couldn't. I didn't want to let myself think about this or it would start to become real. I brushed Dawn's hair as I watched the tears roll down her cheeks. I wanted to tell her everything was going to be fine but not even I knew that.

The Rose I had gotten earlier pricked my finger, I didn't know it at the time but I felt myself bleed a little. My eyes narrow as I just watch myself bleed. I wondered how long it would take before it stopped, if it ever would if I just left it like it was. My attention quickly switched as the Preacher said his last words, then pointed over to both Dawn and I.
regretsCollapse )
I turned around as Dawn made her way back to me, she had asked me if she could go home with Willow. I didn't want her to go, I wanted her to stay with me and possibly have dinner. This was a time we needed to spend together. After sharing a few words I caved, this wasn't the right place for this and I knew it was a losing battle.

After all of this I stayed behind, everyone hugged me as they left. I needed to be alone as I watched them take down the coffin... I need to watch them as they laid her down to rest. My feet were planted in the ground as I watched them apply the dirt. I felt a tear as they finished, it was over they were done..She was done.

I tried harder to say goodbye to her but I didn't. If I were to say it, it would be true and she really would be gone. That there was no way she'd ever come back and I was alone. I breathed harder and kept my eyes focused on the dirt. Time was no longer an issue, the sun had set and it was beginning to be late at night. I couldn't move....all I could do was just stand there.

[open to Angel]
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