The Queen invited 6-time Wimbledon Champ Roger Federer to a hastily-organized press conference. She wasted no time in getting to her speech.

Queen Elizabeth II:  Dear Members of Royalty, Beloved British paparazzi and of course the general public.

I have heard your cries of desperation seeking a British champion for my entire time as your Queen. For over fifty years, I have heard your collective sighs with your hands to the British clouds asking why. I have watched Tim Henman fail in his quest for a Wimbledon title and now Andy Murray, a Scot, has also failed to bring home the crown. 

I endeavored to give Mr. Murray added incentives to make at least the finals. I offered to be present at Wimbledon at the Royal box, let him frolic in Harry's old bedroom, as well as taking a ride in the Royal helicopter.

Alas, these things were not enough for Mr. Murray to make the final. If Mr. Murray spent less energy on growling like a lion and pumping himself up, he simply would have had more reserve to beat the American. 

I have heard my people's despair and I thank Mr. Roger Federer for appearing with me before you all today. Today, the British drought of winning Wimbledon has ended.

Mr. Federer, I have for you an honorary British birth certificate. It states here that you were born August 8th, 1981 in the town of Manchester. 

Since you are a footballer fan, you can appreciate why I chose that city. As well as the honorary birth certificate, I also have your British passport. 

We took your photo from the tour and super-imposed on our passport depicting the glorious emblems and insignia of the British state. 

The implications of this move are immediate. Andy Murray is now the British No. 2 and Mr. Federer will now occupy the number one spot. We are also prepared to accept Switzerland into the British Commonwealth.

This will allow Mr. Federer to compete in the Commonwealth Games if he so chooses. 

To the British media, you have been given renewed credibility.Try not to botch it up like you did in the past seventy years. 

To the British public, your prayers have now been answered and your lamenting days are over. Now get back to work so we can actually do something productive for a change.

The Queen exits quickly leaving Roger Federer simply astounded holding his new British documents. 


source