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[06 Nov 2009|10:06am] |
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I'm glad you're not in my life anymore. I do miss the person I knew, but that's irrelevant; you've finally shown your true colours and now I know that you're not someone I want to associate with. I'm utterly sick of the people close to me - the people closest to me - talking down to me, or treating me like shit, saying mean things and then acting like it's not even a big deal. I deserve a lot more fucking respect than that. I'm on my way to being completely bollocks-free and the end of our friendship was my first revelation.
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[06 Oct 2009|11:14pm] |
You tell me, constantly, that if anything is wrong, you will tell me. That if you have something to say, you'll say it. That whatever is on your mind, I will know.
The truth is, you're not saying much at all these days. I have no idea what's going on in your head-- and you're holding it against me.
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[06 Oct 2009|11:13pm] |
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im NOT happy. I'm NEVER GOING TO BE happy.
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[06 Oct 2009|11:12pm] |
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I only stay with my boyfriend because im afraid to be alone. I hate him and he hates me. We use each other for different things.
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[06 Oct 2009|11:11pm] |
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I've never seen Borat.
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[06 Oct 2009|11:02pm] |
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you like to put other people down to make yourself feel on top, and in the most cowardly way; you mask it with friendship, when really you're leaching off those around you for compliments, for attention and for a step up when you're feeling down. you're a parasite. you don't give a shit about anyone but yourself. all you ever talk about is you or how you think people view you. you say you look down on vain people, when you're seriously the most vain person i've ever met. you want everyone to come down to your level. you're a bitter, manipulative and extremely selfish person.
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[06 Oct 2009|10:43pm] |
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It really upsets me that you don't support me on this.
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[06 Oct 2009|10:42pm] |
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I'm tired of being fat, I'm just way too lazy to do anything about it. Just harpoon me, already.
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[06 Oct 2009|10:39pm] |
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I know way more than you want me to know. I feel a little guilty, but it's the idea of being caught with information that keeps me doing it.
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[06 Oct 2009|10:37pm] |
When I was younger, I thought a woman had to be completely hairless to be beautiful, so I started shaving my whole body. Arms, face, the whole nine.
Ten years later, and I wish I could stop, but now all my hair has grown in dark, stubbly, and disgusting.
It makes me feel like less of a woman.
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[06 Oct 2009|10:36pm] |
It makes me sad that the last six or so secrets I've submitted weren't ever posted.
...
This one probably won't either. :/
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[07 Sep 2009|06:08pm] |
This community sucks now.
It needs an additional moderator.
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[06 Sep 2009|01:50am] |
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This was all a huge mistake, and I don't know how to fix it, short of ruining our friendship for good. Why can't you just take a minute and look at yourself? Realize some faults, and only THEN can you judge others for theirs.
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[06 Sep 2009|01:45am] |
we broke up six months ago, you left me so heartbroken, you destroyed me with all the things you did to me and it took me so much time and so much strength to put myself back together,
and now you're back, you're changing your ways, telling me you're so sorry, that you're afraid of yourself and what you're capable of, and i listened, even when i know i should be telling you to get the fuck out of my life,
but i can't, so last night i let you come over, and you told me you love me. for short periods of time, you love me, and even though i know that if it's love, it's constant, my heart skipped a thousand beats. maybe that's all you're capable of, short periods of time.
the secret is; you're leaving me again in 16 days to travel the world, and all i can think of is that i want you to stay, so much. despite all the abuse, i want you to stay. no one i know likes you, but i like you.
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[06 Sep 2009|01:44am] |
I was flattered when I found out that a kid I babysat had a crush on me. Too bad none of the sane guys my own age do. :(
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[06 Sep 2009|01:40am] |
you called her beautiful.
you said you wished she was here with you.
i told you i read those texts and you apologized.
what i didn't tell you is this aching, empty feeling in my stomach won't go away. i cry every time i think about it, and i'm always thinking about it.
now i find out you've secretly been talking to her online. and not just her, other girls too. and you'll do everything but read your messages in front of me.
i've never been a jealous girlfriend in my whole fucking life. never. my other serious boyfriends all cheated, so i said fuck you and left them but with you... the thought of you even thinking about being with somebody else makes me all shaky and sick. what the fuck did you do to me? i wish i could tell you this but i hate being this person .the one so fucking scared you'll find someone else i try to pretend i don't care. i'm so scared. don't hurt me.
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[06 Sep 2009|01:36am] |
When I said I was ready to come out of the psych hospital, I lied. But you visited every day and complained half an hour was so far to drive and that you had to leave work early. So I left that place of peace and tranquility to come back home where I feel pressure pushing down on me every single minute. And back to the NOISE NOISE NOISE. Eighteen months later, I still want that peace I gave up for you.
I know when you had kids you didn't expect to be supporting me well into my 20s, but what is wrong with me is not my fault. You don't know how hard I try not to be a burden.
And then you complain about my medical bills and about how inconvenient it is that I'm too sick to work. And when I'm ill, you audibly sigh and sound irritated. I am so grateful for everything you do, for supporting me and taking care of me.
But every time you complain it hurts me so much I want to die.
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[28 Aug 2009|08:40pm] |
I know this is wrong but I want you to break up with your girlfriend.
I want us to be together.
She doesn't, she cannot, and she will never be able to love you as much as I do.
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[28 Aug 2009|08:37pm] |
I have been having wet dreams about the man who molested me and tried to kill me...
I feel dirty, sick, wrong...
But they make me feel alive.
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[28 Aug 2009|08:35pm] |
It's hard for me to remember why we EVER became friends.
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[28 Aug 2009|07:45pm] |
I've noticed that when a girl says that she's attracted to "bad boys," the word "bad boy" always turns out to be a euphemism for "loser." Apparently, being a bad boy involves not showering, smoking pot, cursing, living with your parents/mooching off your friends, playing in a shitty screamo band, and, most importantly, performing the aforementioned activities while in possession of at least one hideously trashy tattoo or body piercing.
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[24 Aug 2009|09:08pm] |
I know that I'll find someone better.
I know that I have so much to give.
But why do I still feel like killing myself?
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[21 Aug 2009|11:16pm] |
I suspect my years of constant FAIL may be my own fault. Do I even WANT to succeed?
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[21 Aug 2009|11:12pm] |
You know the vaguely pretty girl that is "friends" with a fat chick just to make herself look better in public when they hang out together?
Well, I'm on LJ mostly because because the people I bump into are all freaks, oddballs and losers. I look at my LJ "friends" and I feel normal and well adjusted by comparison.
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[21 Aug 2009|11:10pm] |
I cared too much about you and that is the reason why I feel the way I do. A little lost, a little lonely, and most of all a little bit hurt.
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[21 Aug 2009|11:09pm] |
I think I am ready to smile back at the world and challenge myself to change.
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[13 Aug 2009|09:16pm] |
I'm cheating on my boyfriend with the most beautiful boy I've ever met.
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[08 Aug 2009|02:58pm] |
I need a miracle, but I'd settle for a hug.
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[08 Aug 2009|02:45pm] |
I told him I loved him
and I cried in front of him.
He wanted to show me he cared
but I could tell he was just pretending.
I looked at his eyes. They looked so empty.
He told me such kind words in such a cold tone.
I knew he didn't love me back
but the way he treated me and the things he did to me for the past few months made me feel so confused.
It made me believe that I had a chance with him.
I felt that false sense of security.
We had such great chemistry.
He made me so happy.
And yet...
I know I deserve a much better guy
but it's so hard to let him go.
I want him to be happy. I really do.
Yet the thought of him never loving me back is tearing me apart.
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[27 Jul 2009|11:54am] |
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It's been over a year since I cheated on you, and I regret it with every fiber of my being. You deserve so much better than me, but I love you so much that I've never had the heart to tell you....
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[27 Jul 2009|06:40pm] |
I KNOW I've posted secrets within the last month... what happened?
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[27 Jul 2009|06:35pm] |
I'm sorry I broke up with you. Everyone deserves a chance to fix what's wrong with a relationship. I just ditched you without a second chance, even though I loved you. The worst thing is, years have passed and I feel I'd probably do it again to some other guy.
I always thought you didn't really care about me anyway. I thought it was only me that was hurt. Now, I hear things and I'm not so sure.
Sometimes I wonder if the dismal failure that is my love life is some sort of karmic punishment for blowing it when I had a real chance.
You say and do things that embarrass and shame me and wonder what the hell I ever saw in you. I hate that you smoke and I hate your crudeness. Seems to me you're not nice. But something about you has always just felt... RIGHT. I can't help it. It doesn't keep me awake or anything. I just wonder what could have been.
If you came to me tomorrow, I'd take you back, after all these years. So I just have to hope that if you ever cared about me again, it would be enough to make you change into a better man.
We were friends so long and then we ruined it by dating like idiot hormonal kids.
And now I miss you.
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[27 Jul 2009|06:31pm] |
You told me you almost fell for me.
I thought almost made that statement a lie. I really thought you fell for me.
But now I know you never did (and you probably never will since I've been such a burden to you).
It's ok. She's way prettier than me so why let go of her, right?
As much as we'd like to pretend everything will be the same after this, it won't.
You know what makes this whole thing suck even more?
This is the first time I experienced true love.
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[27 Jul 2009|06:29pm] |
Robert Pattinson was so much hotter in Harry Potter. Not only that, but the movie version of Twilight seriously sucked.
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[27 Jul 2009|06:28pm] |
I'm fascinated by a certain 12 year old. I'm twenty.
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[27 Jul 2009|06:20pm] |
Wow.
It's now been about two months since that evening, and a part of me almost can't believe it really happened. You appeared right beside me - how did you even do that without me hearing you? - grinning that wonderful grin. I played the risibility of the situation into a flirt. You were charming. It was just like the daydream I had entertained during the previous two years' shows. (Not this year's, ironically - there was too much to do in too little time to daydream on the job.)
When I got back to my post, my heart was pounding like nothing I'd ever felt before, and my knees were literally shaking. I'd always thought that that sort of thing was a figure of speech.
After the show, that terrible hesitation, that shyness that held me at bay over and over back when, reared its ugly head. I didn't say goodbye.
But then... over an hour in, you showed up at the party! My brain just about melted on the spot from the utter impossibility of it all when I saw you walk through that door. I had shed the skin of shyness. I casually walked over to the group that you'd entered and used my superpower to end up right next to you, without being awkward or pushy.
Then, I participated in the conversation. No laugh-coughing. No being bowled over.
When you were leaving again, this time I held tight that courage. I stood up, turned to you, and said the first thing that came to my mind. It was perfect. We hugged. (So gentle!) You left. The party carried on.
It wasn't because of you exclusively, but that day was without a shadow of a doubt the single best of my entire life. When I got home I found in my back pocket the Mike's Hard Limeade bottlecap I'd forgotten to discard. It's my souvenir. So that I never have to doubt that it happened. That you were there, and I was not a frightened little teenager - I was a young woman in her element.
P.S. - While shopping for father's day gifts, I came across that videogame you recommended. I like it.
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[27 Jul 2009|06:18pm] |
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The longer we're together, the more I pull away from him, because I realize that eventually he's going to figure out that I'm nothing special and nowhere near good enough for him, and it'll be over.
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[26 Jun 2009|12:57pm] |
Today I almost got in a car accident on the freeway.
In the end the sad part about it was the fact that I cared more about scratching the car than myself.
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[26 Jun 2009|12:55pm] |
I don't known why I fawn over my mother and act like to a bitch to my father when in reality i loathe my mother and love my father.
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[26 Jun 2009|12:53pm] |
It has been a year since I have seen you and I don't know when I will see you again.
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[26 Jun 2009|12:51pm] |
I wish I had the courage to talk to you again.
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[26 Jun 2009|12:49pm] |
Don't guilt trip me. I don't have to justify things to you and it is not my fault I don't like you in that way.
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[12 Jun 2009|11:37am] |
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[09 Jun 2009|10:56pm] |
I never wanted to kill myself until you broke up with me, refused to give me back my heart, moved on within a week, and then told me about it—knowing full well how much I still love you and how much I would love to get back together.
The best part is, I can't bring myself to hate you.
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[09 Jun 2009|10:52pm] |
I didn't know you were engaged.
You never told me, even though we have been talking more often now.
I hate you so much for forgetting about me the way you did. I hope she breaks your heart again. I hope she cheats and leaves you. I hope you're left broken and alone, pleading for somebody, anybody, to reach out to you the way I so foolishly did before.
Fuck you and fuck your fiance.
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[09 Jun 2009|10:48pm] |
Tim
If I told you that I wanted you to drive me to the train station
So I could have an hour to let you know I have feelings for you
Would you have gone through with it then?
Or would that have been a better reason for you not to...
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[09 Jun 2009|10:47pm] |
I finally found the guy of my dreams.
Kind. Funny. A gentleman. Thoughtful. Charming. Good looking. Loving.
Too bad he's taken.
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[05 Jun 2009|10:10pm] |
You're doing it again. I'm so tired of you, honestly. One of the reasons I'm glad I'm graduating is that I'll be able to realize who my true friends are - the ones that I'm actually going to talk to after high school. I'm glad that I'm almost positive you're not going to be one of them. I'm tired of you copying every single thing that I do or want to do with my life. I know that I should be "flattered", but I'm not. It's irritating, especially when it gets to the point where people think that I'm following in your footsteps. Also, you have ALWAYS put your boyfriends before me, no matter how long you have known them. You've been dating this guy for a month and you trust him more than you trust me ? Even after all those years you talked shit about him AND he just recently got you arrested ?
Fuck you, fuck our seven year friendship, and when he leaves your ass to go to another country because he doesn't love you enough to do the time in jail to stay in THIS country - I'm not going to be there to help you through the pain like I always have been. I'm walking away and I'm not looking back. I know that you only say those things because you know he's reading your surveys and you want to make him feel all lovey dovey and happy about your relationship - but you don't think about how I'm ALSO reading them and you've just caused me to feel like shit and ruined our friendship. For being "smarter than me", you just don't think.
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[05 Jun 2009|10:08pm] |
I'm unremarkable.
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[05 Jun 2009|10:04pm] |
I watched my best friend try on clothes today. All I could think about was what it would be to watch them take those clothes OFF. That's when it me-- I'm sexually attracted to, but not in love with, my best friend. I don't honestly know which is worse.
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