Current mood:	accomplished
Entry tags:	s1, transcripts

Episode 1x01
Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip Episode 1x01: Pilot
Written by: Aaron Sorkin
Directed by: Thomas Schlamme

Original Airing: September 18, 2006 (US)

Transcribed by: phla
Betaed by: jackoweskla

Disclaimer: Studio 60 is produced by Warner Bros. Television and Shoe Money Productions, and is distributed by NBC, CTV, and other international companies. This transcript is not official, and must not be copied or distributed, especially for commercial use, and/or personal profit.


[Show opens on a blank screen.]
SIMON
Okay, how many of you guys have been watching Studio 60 since high school? [Cheers.] How many since junior high? [More cheers.] How many since the show went on the air in 1986? [As he has been speaking and continues to speak, a shot of the outside of Studio 60, shots of SIMON warming up the crowd, and people scurrying around backstage preparing for the show.] This is the real thing. It’s our 20th season, and we’re very proud of that. Now you can see, we use the whole theater for the show. We have sets stuck to the wall along the sides. If there’s something that you can’t see, it’ll be up on those two big screen TVs, and if there’s something you still can’t see, we really can’t help you. [Quick shot of WES and JERRY arguing backstage; SIMON gestures to a PA.] Okay, okay. I’m sure you guys – You know how, you know how this works. We start with our cold open and then we smash into our VTR, our video tape recording. Also known as our main titles. And over the VTR, our very own Herb Shelton says:

HERB
Live from Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip, it’s Friday night in Hollywood! (CROWD cheers)

SIMON
Not yet. Don’t waste it. We gonna have a great show. From the ABC smash hit, Desperate Housewives, Felicity Huffman is here tonight. Three 6 Mafia out here. (aside) Hey tell those guys to get here. (loud) All right, Willy. Take us to the starting line, baby.

WES
Let’s keep this rational, okay. We have to have some rationality here, this conversation is driving me-

SUZANNE
Excuse me.

WES
I want Jack Rudolph on the phone.

JERRY
Wes.

SUZANNE
Sir, I don’t know how to call --

JERRY
Jack’s at a dinner party

WES
Let’s disturb him.

JERRY
Jack pays me to make these calls.

WES
And Jack pays me to do this show, you meticulous fat ass. What is your name?

SUZANNE
Suzanne.

WES
Suzanne, pick up that phone. Dial 0 6, tell my secretary I want the chairman of NBS

SUZANNE
Yes sir.

JERRY
Stay where you are.

WES
Suzanne --

JERRY
I’m trying to save us all a lot of tsuris.

WES
Jerry, this sketch is funny, it killed at dress, and funny is in very short supply around here lately.

JERRY
I’m in charge of broadcast Standards and Practices. I’m not in charge of funny.

WES
Who’s it gonna offend, huh? Tell me?

JERRY
Wes.

WES
Just give me the names.

JERRY
People who- Religious people. God, Wes, and you knew that when you- What do you want me to say to the 50 million people who are going to go out of their minds as soon as it airs.

WES
First of all, you can tell them that we average 9 million households, so that’s at least 41 million who are full of crap. And then second, you can tell them that that living where there’s free speech, means sometimes you get offended.

JERRY
You gotta cut the sketch.

WES
What am I going to replace it with?

JERRY
Whatever you want. Peripheral Vision Man is ready.

WES
Peripheral Vision Man is not funny! It’s never been funny. I know what, I want to talk to Jordan McDeere.

JERRY
You can’t.

WES
She’s at a dinner party too?

JERRY
Yes, yes she is. It’s the same dinner party. It’s a dinner party for Jordan McDeere. You don’t have a lot of time.

WES
What happens if I say no? What if I go on air with this sketch?

JERRY
I’m not going to answer that.

WES
Why not?

JERRY
Because. If you still had the muscle to do it, you wouldn’t have asked.

WES
Tell the control room we’re cutting 4A and filling it with Peripheral Vision Man. [SUZANNE runs off.]

JERRY
Thank you.

[Control Room]
HEADSET VOICE
Studio 60, this is broadcast center. We’re up on router 2. Have a good show.

LILLY
Thank you, two minutes. Call in.

CAL
Thank you.

SUZANNE
We’re blowing off 4A.

LILLY
You’re kidding.

SUZANNE
No.

LILLY
It killed at dress, it was smart.

CAL
It never had a chance. What are we filling with?

SUZANNE
Peripheral Vision Man.

CAL
Ricky and Ron are just going to keep writing that one till somebody laughs, huh?

CAL
What’s the time on 4A?

LILLY
4:10.

CAL
What’s the time on Peripheral Vision Man?

LILLY
3:45

CAL
All right, tell the writers room, they’re gonna stretch it another 25 seconds, and I’m sure that making it longer was the missing ingredient in making it funny.

LILLY
Stand by, we got a change to 4A?

CONTROL ROOM ASSISTANT
90 seconds live.

[Backstage]
TOM
Good show.

HARRIET
Eat em up.

FELICITY HUFFMAN
“Which isn’t how we do it on Wisteria Lane. On Wisteria Lane, we’d invite the suspect over to our book club…” You know, actually, I was told these were gonna change. Are these the newest cards?

CUE CARD GUY
Yeah, we just copied them down.

WARDROBE ASSISTANT
Felicity, decision time. Are we going with the slutty dress, or the very slutty dress?

FELICITY
Could you just hang on just a second? Thanks. Wes? Wes.

WES
Yeah?

FELICITY
Hey.

WES
Hey, you look great.

FELICITY
Yeah? Well, I ‘m not dressed yet. But I wanted to ask you about the Desperate Housewives run in the monologue. I’ll do whatever you want, but I thought we decided it wasn’t working, which is what the rehearsal audience kind of confirmed ‘cause I don’t want-

WES
Yeah, I apologize I really do, I uh, we were unable to get to it.

FELICITY
Oh. I think- Are you all right?

WES
Yeah. Yeah, I, I, I’m sorry, I wasn’t able to spend that much time with you this week. You’re in a class by yourself, Felicity. Knock em dead.

FELICITY
Wes? Is there anything you can tell me that will make me feel better about the monologue?

WES
Your instincts aren’t wrong. It’s not funny.

WARDROBE ASSISTANT
Come on, babe, just tell me what you need?

FELICITY
I need the very slutty dress and somebody else to wear it.

[Control Room]
LILLY
20 seconds.

CAL
Doug, you want to frame that up? I need to see the hand on Tom’s shoulder.

LILLY
The chair.

CAL
Dylan’s hand. His right hand. Just frame it up.

LILLY
15 seconds.

CAL
Ready 1.

LILLY
Last looks.

[Stage]
FLOOR MANAGER
We’re live in 8, 7, 6, 5, 4…

TOM (as the President)
My fellow Americans. I’m here to speak to you tonight about a very serious subject. My legacy. Legacy is a 480 SAT word, which turns out, does not mean a woman with nice legs. As in, uh, Paula Zahn. Primo legacy. No, my friends, legacy means the impact one leaves-

WES
Oh, stop this, stop this. Let’s stop it, uh, Tom. Look.

ASSISTANT PRODUCER
We can hear you!

WES
Uh listen fellas, we’re gonna stop it.

TOM
Did we lose the feed?

WES
No, we’re live. I’d like both of you to clear the stage, I don’t want anyone to think you were part of this. Clear the stage, go on. Go on, go on. Ah, this is not going to be a very good show tonight. And I think you should change the channel.

[Control Room]
WES
[on monitors] Change the channel, go on, right now.

LILLY
What the hell?

ASSISTANT
When did they put this in?

LILLY
Does anyone know what the hell is going on?

WES
[on monitors] … or better yet, turn off the TV, okay? [now live] No, I know it seems like this is supposed to be funny, but tomorrow you’re gonna find out that it wasn’t and by that time I’ll have been fired. No, this is… this is not… this is not a sketch.

[Control Room]

CAL
Ahhh, this is real.

LILLY
You want to go to VTR?

WES
[monitors] This show used to be cutting edge political and social satire, but it’s gotten lobotomized by a candy-ass broadcast network hell-bent on doing nothing that might challenge their audience. [JERRY motors into the control room. WES continues live.] We’re about to do a sketch that you’ve seen already about 500 times. Yeah, no one’s gonna confuse George Bush with George Plimpton. Yeah, we get it. We’re all being lobotomized by this country’s most influential industry that’s just throwing in the towel on any endeavor to do anything that doesn’t include the courting of 12 year old boys. And not even the smart 12 year olds. The stupid ones. The idiots. Which there are plenty, thanks in no small measure to this network, so why don’t you just change the channel? Turn off your TVs, do it right now, go ahead.

[Control Room]
JERRY
Get the camera off of him.

CAL
And put it on what?

JERRY
Cut the boom mike, then!

CAL
It’s his show. I take my instructions from him.

[Stage]
WES
A struggle between art and commerce. Well, there’s always been a struggle between art and commerce. And now I’m telling you art is getting its ass kicked. And it’s making us mean, and it’s making us bitchy. It’s making us cheap punks. That’s not who we are! People are having contests to see how much they can be like Donald Trump?

[Control Room]
JERRY
Are you bleeping this out?

FCC MAN
He hasn’t said anything you’re not allowed to say.

JERRY
He’s telling people to change the channel!

CAL
I don’t think you have to worry about anybody changing the channel right now.

JERRY
Get him off or you don’t have a job tomorrow.

CAL
I’m running a live national broadcast. Can you threaten me later?

[Stage]
WES
We’re eating worms for money. Who wants to screw my sister? Guys are getting killed in a war that’s got theme music and a logo? That remote in your hand is a crack pipe. [monitors] Oh yeah, every once in a while we pretend to be appalled-

JERRY
Cal…

CAL
I’m waiting for him to say something that isn’t true.

JERRY
Who else in here knows how to do this?

CAL
Don’t talk to my control room!

JERRY
Get him off.

LILLY
You’ve got two kids in school.

CAL
What?

JERRY
She said you’ve got two kids in private school, whose father’s five seconds away from never working again.

[Stage]
WES
Pornographers! It’s not even good pornography. They’re just this side of snuff films. And friends, that’s what’s next because that’s all that’s left.

[Control Room]
LILLY
Cal, come on.

WES
And the two things that make them scared gutless are the FCC and every psycho religious cult that gets positively horny at the very mention of a boycott.

CAL
Alright, stand by VTR.

WES
These are the people they’re afraid of –

LILLY
We’re gonna cut in early.

WES
This prissy, feckless, off-the-charts, greed-filled whorehouse of a network.

JERRY
There it is!

WES
And you’re watching this thoroughly unpatriotic Mother-

CAL
GO TO VTR NOW!

(CREDITS.)

CUE CARD: JORDAN

[Fancy Dinner Party]
WHITE
If you’ll give me your attention, I’d like to offer a toast to Jordan McDeere. Jordan, I’ve been reviewing your resume. Two years in business affairs at Atlantic Records. Two years as Vice President in charge of production at United Artists, a company I was surprised to learn still existed. Four years at NBC where she saw to it that Jay Leno spanked David Letterman on a regular basis. To the news division you went and the CBS morning show where you took the program from a 16 to a 19 share and a 13 percent increase in the demo. Jack, I commend you for making such an astute hire. Jordan, I welcome you to the Tunney media group. And as the new president of the National Broadcasting System, I ask only one thing of you: Unprecedented success.

JORDAN
Thank you very much, Mr. White. And thank you, Jack and Marilyn for hosting this wonderful party. I also want to thank the caterers. This- Oh, I didn’t… the food is…

WAITER
The woman said this was important.

JORDAN
Excuse me, so sorry. It’s from my assistant. Something’s happened at Studio 60. Could I use your phone?

MARTHA
Yeah, sure. It’s in the office.

JORDAN
It can’t be that big a deal. Nothing bad’s gonna happen on my first day, right? [Everyone’s phone or pager at the table starts to ring.

[Stage at Studio 60.]
THREE 6 MAFIA
Yo Academy Award winners, Three 6 Mafia! Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip! It’s goin’ down, yeah!
I’m in the club posted up, got my arms folded
Fitted pulled down and these haters I’m scopin.
I’m just twistin my body from side to side.
I’m just twistin my body from side to side.
I’m the club, posted up, got my arms folded
Fitted pulled down and these haters I’m scopin
I’m just twistin my body…

[Backstage]
JACK
What happened?

JERRY
I cut a sketch and he went crazy.

JACK
I need Shelly Green. I need Steve Cantor. I need a tape. Somebody play this thing back for me. I need a room.

PA 2
Excuse me, we’re still in the middle of the show.

JACK
Shut up. Who’s using this room?

PA 3
Three 6 Mafia but they’re on stage.

JACK
In here. Ahh, are you kidding me?

JERRY
You gotta let me fire the control room director.

JACK
Somebody want to get rid of the bong and the loose joints?

JERRY
Jack…

JORDAN
I’ll grab the loose joints.

JERRY
Look, Will-

JACK
I’ll get to the director. We need it on half inch. For the love of- We work in television!

JERRY
He left him on for 53 seconds. After I gave a clear instruction to-

JACK
Thank you, thank you.

WES
“It’s not gonna be a very good show tonight. I think you should change the channel.” [JORDAN leaves JACK to watch the tape.]

JORDAN
Where is he?

THREE 6 MAFIA
I’m in the club, posted up
Fitted pulled down and these haters I’m scopin I’m just
Twistin my body from side to side.
Twistin my body from side to side (lyrics)

[WES’ office.]
JORDAN
How are you?

WES
Fine. Who are you?

JORDAN
I’m Jordan McDeere, I’m the new president of-

WES
Oh yeah, we met. So how are you enjoying your first day?

JORDAN
What was the sketch about?

WES
What?

JORDAN
That got cut, what was it about?

JACK
Felicity? You’re needed across the street in the 18th floor conference in thirty minutes.
Jerry’s in charge and they’ll figure how to do the opening sixty seconds for the west coast delay. Wesley?

WES
Yeah?

JACK
You’re fired.

WES
No kidding.

JACK
Escort him off the property. He doesn’t talk to any press while he’s on this property.

JORDAN
I’m sorry about all this.

VOICEOVER
In times like these, the world needs a superhero with a full 180 degree field of sight. The world needs Peripheral Vision Man.

[NBS]
REPORTER 1
In a scene reminiscent of Paddy Chayefsky’s classic film, Network, Studio 60 executive producer, Wes Mandell hijacked tonight’s live broadcast and instructed his audience to-

REPORTER 2
He was mad as hell and he wasn’t gonna take it anymore. The NBS flagship program Studio 60…

REPORTER 3
Peter Finch’s Oscar winning performance in the 1977 film Network, Wes Mendell,
Long time executive producer of Studio 60-

REPORTER 4
Disaster and embarrassment at UBS as tonight’s broadcast of Studio 60 got off to a start that would’ve made Paddy Chayefsky smile.

JACK
You believe this?

JORDAN
I say they’ve heard of Patty Chayefsky, that’s a step in the right direction.

JERRY
Sir, they’re ready for you.

SHELLY
That was a faux pas back there.

JORDAN
Where?

SHELLY
The dinner party. You don’t compliment the caterer in front of the hostess.

JORDAN
I don’t want to start throwing my weight around right away, Shelly, but that’s probably not going to be a high priority tonight.

JACK
Shelley, muzzles on the cast. Mouths shut. Nobody talks. Howard, what’s legal think?

HOWARD
Uh, they’re looking at the tape. Could be anything from the FCC to a class action suit.

JACK
How bout the news division?

NEWS MAN
They’re not gonna like the crack about having theme music and a logo for the war.

JACK
Advertiser relations?

ADVERTISING WOMAN
We’re trying to get them on the phone but it’s not that easy this late on a Friday.

AFFILIATES MAN
Same thing with the affiliates.

JACK
The remark about worm eating and who wants to screw my sister. He was talking about our shows?

AFFILIATES MAN
We don’t know.

JORDAN
(laughs)

JACK
Is there something funny about this, Jordan?

JORDAN
God, Jack, there’s, like, 7 things funny about this. We’re not sure which sister pimping show he was talking about?

AFFILIATES MAN
I meant-

JORDAN
The FCC doesn’t have us on anything and a law suit wouldn’t pass the laugh test. And by the way you can try, but you can’t stop the cast from talking to the press. Certainly not the big three.

NEWS MAN
The news division?

JORDAN
The news division can kiss me. Report the damn news.

OUT-OF-TOUCH MAN
The big three? What does Detroit have to do with this?

JACK
No, she’s talking about, not the car companies. She’s talking about Harriet Hayes, Tom Jeter and Simon Styles, they’re the leaders of the group. Jordan, are you saying that we’re overreacting to this hideous, humiliating, and possibly actionable event that occurred on our air.

JORDAN
No, I’m saying you’re dramatically under-reacting to it. We don’t care about any of this.

JACK
What do we care about?

JORDAN
They’re gonna say he was right.

JACK
What?

JORDAN
They’re gonna say he was right. Every cable show’s gonna have non stop round tables about how Hollywood is taking our national culture to hell on a speedboat. And we just became a symbol of that. I don’t know who the bookers are even gonna get who are gonna be on our side. People for the American Way isn't going show up to defend NBS’s prime time schedule.

JACK
When the hell did there become two sides to this?

JORDAN
When you fired Wes.

JACK
Jordan, you can’t be suggesting- This is what happened in the damn movie. You can’t be suggesting we give him his show back.

JORDAN
No, he’s done at this network.

JACK
Then what are you suggesting?

JORDAN
Let’s talk in my office. (leaves) …I don’t know where my office is.

JACK
What are you suggesting?

JORDAN
We need a new story and Studio 60 needs a new executive producer and head writer. I want to hire Matt Albie and Danny Tripp.

JACK
No. No no no.

JORDAN
Yeah.

JACK
I have a history with these two guys.

JORDAN
No kidding.

JACK
I fired them.

JORDAN
I know the history, Jack. People in Kansas know the history. That’s why it’s a good story. It’s a big story and we get to control it. We’re gonna hire two people who hate your guts, and we’re gonna do it-

JACK
Y’know-

JORDAN
Listen! Because we’re committed to quality. Hiring Matt and Danny is a tacit admission of guilt and a silent act of contrition and that’s what’s required here.

JACK
What the hell am I guilty of?

JORDAN
I could read you the charges, but we don’t have that kind of time.

JACK
You talk to your bosses at NBC like this?

JORDAN
Every day. That’s how I became president of a network.

JACK
I hire these guys back, I’ll look completely de-balled.

JORDAN
You don’t need all the fingers on one hand to count the number of people who care about your balls right now.

JACK
I got news for you, sister. As long as I’m one of them, so are you.

JORDAN
They’re exceptionally qualified. It’s a splashy choice. They’re classy.

JACK
Yeah, classy.

JORDAN
They are. And we need them right now.

JACK
You’re never gonna get these guys to come back to television.

JORDAN
I will.

JACK
How?

JORDAN
I’ll get em.

JACK
You know something I don’t know?

JORDAN
Yeah. And we’re keeping it that way.

JACK
Even if you get them, you’re gonna have to pay them.

JORDAN
Oh, I’m gonna back up a Brinks truck.

JACK
So when do you want to do this?

JORDAN
Now. Tonight. I want all this done and together for press conference Monday noon to announce and take questions.

JACK
And you’re gonna get this all done on a Friday night.

JORDAN
Yeah.

JACK
You got a thing for one of these guys? Or both of these guys?

JORDAN
I don’t know either one of them personally. Is that a question you were asked when you hired me?

JACK
You bet your ass it was.

JORDAN
I need to get started now. I need to get to Matt and Danny.

JACK
I’m gonna want to meet with them before any hands are shaken.

JORDAN
They’re not gonna audition for you, Jack.

JACK
We’re gonna have a conversation.

JORDAN
And what will you say in this conversation?

JACK
Whatever I damn well please. You saw how fast I fired Wes Mendell? Screw this up, I’ll fire you faster. I’m not like every other heterosexual man in show business, Jordan. I don’t find you charming. And you’ve earned the loyalty of absolutely no one. So you go ahead, you take your first steps toward making us all classy again. We’ve been waiting for you. That’s your office.


CUE CARD: MATT AND DANNY
[WGA Awards]

MATT
Whoa. Sorry. That was strange. I’m sorry.

DANNY
Y’okay?

MATT
Yeah. I’m on some medication right now that, I guess, makes me not know where chairs are.

DANNY
He means he’s on back medication.

MATT
Yeah. Hm?

JULIE
How’d you hurt your back?

MATT
It happened when a surgeon sliced it open with a knife.

DANNY
He had back surgery a few days ago.

JULIE
You’re on Vicodin?

MATT
Yeah, I may have exceeded the recommended dosage.

GUY
Should you be out of bed this soon?

MATT
I play with pain.

GUY
Well, they haven’t gotten to your category yet. They’re doing the awards between courses this year.

MATT
Where’s your wife?

JULIE
Sitting right next to her husband. I was just talking to you.

MATT
Sure. I’m on a little Vicodin and some Percoset and a steroid called Nortizone, a side effect of which is mania. I swear to god, says so right on the bottle.

JULIE
You’re here alone?

MATT
Completely alone.

DANNY
They broke up.

JULIE
Oh no! Why?

DANNY
Cause he couldn’t stop himself from speaking.

MATT
I was right, she was wrong. I’m all about the truth, partner.

DANNY
Be about the truth. Just don’t do it out loud.

MATT
That’s fine.

DANNY
Is it?

MATT
Yeah.

DANNY
Good, cause Karen here got invited to the Friday night wrap party. I thought it might be a fun thing to do after.

MATT
For Studio 60??

KAREN
Yeah, I’m friends with Felicity Huffman and she’s guest hosting.

MATT
No no no.

DANNY
Come on.

KAREN
You don’t like Felicity?

DANNY
See-

MATT
No, I like Felicity fine, just the woman I broke up with is a cast member. And it would be awkward if I went to the party and killed her in front of all those people.

KAREN
Which one?

DANNY
The thing is, if you get him to-

MATT
Harriet Hayes.

JULIE
Mattie, what happened with you and Harriet?

DANNY
Julie.

MATT
It’s because of the Star-Spangled Banner. That’s why we broke up. The Star-Spangled Banner and what used to be called honesty.

JULIE
What does the Star-Spangled Banner have to do with you guys breaking up?

MATT
She was singing it before a Dodger game.

GUY
Who were they playing?

DANNY
What could that possibly matter?

MATT
St. Louis. Danny and I just got back from London to do press for the movie and that’s an 11 hour flight with an 8 hour time difference, so I didn’t have time to make it out to the stadium after I landed.

GUY
And she got mad?

MATT
Yes she certainly did, but that’s not why we broke up.

AKIVA
The nominees tonight in the category of best original screen play…

JULIE
If it wasn’t because you weren’t there, then what did you do to her?

MATT
I didn’t do anything to her. She said “I was great by the way, I got a standing ovation.” And I said very sincerely, “Harriet, I’m sure you were great, but it was the national anthem. They were standing already.”

JULIE
Mattie, why would you say that?

MATT
Because first of all, I was trying to make her laugh, which is a nice thing to do. And second, Roseanne Barr got a standing ovation when sang the damn th- To not say anything,-

JULIE
Would have been patronizing.

MATT
So you get it.

JULIE
No no no, you blew it with Harriet Hayes.

MATT
I’m the only sane person I know.

AKIVA
Matthew Albie

DANNY
YES! [He gets up to hug MATT, who is oblivious.]

MATT
Thanks man. I miss her. I really do. I’m dying inside and I appreciate your support.

DANNY
Matt.

MATT
Yeah.

DANNY
Go up on the stage now.

MATT
Why?

DANNY
You just won.

MATT
Really?

DANNY
Yeah.

MATT
Hey, that’s great!

KAREN
Hey, is he gonna be okay up there?

DANNY
Accepting awards in front of ballrooms full of people is the only place he is okay.

BLAIR
Danny.

DANNY
Yeah.

BLAIR
Danny --

DANNY
Did you see our boy just won?

BLAIR
I need to talk to you, I need to talk to you outside now.

DANNY
We’re gonna listen-

BLAIR
(whispering)

MATT
Thank you. Thanks very much.

DANNY
I need to see tape.

MATT
Before I go any further, I want to acknowledge our director, Danny Tripp. Whether it’s on a set or at my desk, he’s never not been there for me. Would you move the follow spot over to Danny on table 15? (Beat) You see that there’s nobody there too, right?

CUE CARD: THE BIG THREE

[Club in LA]
REPORTERS
Harriet, is there a statement from the network?

DAPHNE
Get her inside.

BOUNCER
Right this way, Miss Hayes. You had some trouble tonight, huh?

HARRIET
A little adventure.

DAPHNE
Stevie’s in New York, but I’m in constant contact with him. We’re all coordinating with Shelly at the network. You’re the one they want to talk to cause they’re starting to hear about the nature of the sketch that got cut. They’re gonna want to know if you thought it was offensive.

HARRIET
I’m not an expert on Christian people, Daphne.

DAPHNE
Uh, right, well Stevie says you don’t want to talk about your religion right now.

HARRIET
Stevie doesn’t have to convince me of that.

SANDY (the Waitress)
Ketel martini rocks?

HARRIET
Thanks, Sandy.

SANDY (the Waitress)
The boys are in the back.

HARRIET
Thank you.

CAL
Thank you.

HARRIET
Tight show tonight.

CAL
Yesss.

HARRIET
What went on the in the control room?

CAL
We got word the sketch was cut. Next thing I knew, Wes was up on stage, Standards blew into the room and I waited 53 seconds before I pulled the plug.

HARRIET
There had to be a lot of confusion, it’s not like there are rules or procedures for this kind of thing.

CAL
No, there are strict rules and procedures for this kind of thing. I just didn’t follow any of them. What’s Matt say?

HARRIET
What do you mean?

CAL
Have you talked to Matt?

HARRIET
Matt and I broke up.

CAL
Oh that’s right I heard. Star-Spangled Banner?

HARRIET
Now, it wasn’t because- It doesn’t matter. I just wanted to see if you were alright.

CAL
I’m fine. I’ve been told to sit tight and wait for word. And you know… Rock stars and cocktail waitresses. There’s worse places you could be told to wait.

HARRIET
Word on what?

CAL
I faced off with Standards during a live broadcast, Harry. The guys I know who’ve done that feel lucky when they get a job directing Good Morning El Paso.

HARRIET
We’ll stick together.

CAL
I’m sorry about Matt. I’m a big fan of his, and I like him a lot.

HARRIET
I’m a big fan of his and I hate his breathing guts.

CAL
Come on, it’s Matt, he made a joke about-

HARRIET
It wasn’t the Dodger game, and don’t worry about it. I’ll be saying a prayer for you.

CAL
Thanks.

TOM
Has anybody seen Felicity Huffman?

SIMON
I’m pretty sure she was on the first train out as soon as the good nights were done.

TOM
We should send her a box of candy or something.

SIMON
Yeah, that’ll do the trick. Harry!

HARRIET
I had to navigate 14 people asking me if I was offended by the sketch and if I had spoken to Matt.

TOM
Have you talked to Matt?

HARRIET
No! First of all, why didn’t you ask me first, if I was offended by the sketch, and second, no I haven’t talked- Why would I? No. And Matt’s all of a sudden going to be the calming voice of wisdom? He and Danny are laughing their asses off.

ALEX
I gotta ask you something.

HARRIET
What?

ALEX
If it wasn’t the star spangled banner-

HARRIET
No no, We are not talking about Matt. In fact, If we can just not ever talk about Matt in anyway ever again. First me, then the show. Matt got a two-fer. It took four years, but the show collapsed without them.

DAPHNE
You guys want some nice news on a bad night? Matt just won the Writers Guild award.

ALL
That’s great! All right!

HARRIET
[to SIMON] Please let me watch you smoke a cigarette?

DYLAN
Hey Harriet. Hey. You pray before ever show, right? So what happened tonight? I mean, did it not work?

HARRIET
What?

DYLAN
Did-did you just not do it right? Or what?

TOM
He’s wasted.

DYLAN
I’m just- I’m just asking.

HARRIET
You know what, rook? When you start making a contribution to this show, you can talk to me any way you want. But you had two lines tonight and you stepped on one of them. So until you either accept Jesus Christ as your personal savior or make somebody laugh, why don’t you talk to somebody else?

SIMON
Don’t do that. Right?

DYLAN
Yes, sir.

[Outside]
TOM
Were you offended by the sketch?

HARRIET
I was offended I wasn’t in the sketch. I thought the writing was of a level we hadn’t had in years. And frankly, I was surprised that Wes was capable of it.

SIMON
Are we sure that Wes wrote it?

TOM
Well, it wasn’t Ricky and Ron.

SIMON
You sure?

TOM
Ricky and Ron suddenly being able to write like that is like me suddenly being able to play the cello.

DAPHNE
Hey guys

TOM
Yeah

DAPHNE
You’re being called back to the studio.

TOM
Who?

DAPHNE
Everybody.

HARRIET
This is it.

[Outside Studio 60]
SHELLY
Come on, I’m gonna put you in the green room till we’re ready.

MATT
Uh you know, I think I’ll wait out here for Danny.

SHELLY
I’d really like you to come inside.

MATT
Yeah, except there may be somebody in there I don’t really want to- what the hell’s going on?

SHELLY
We’ll explain inside.

MATT
Yeah, I’m gonna wait out here for Danny.

SHELLY
[to an assistant] Wait with him.

[Random hotel room]
WES
[on tape] “America’s broadcasters have just turned into pornographers…”

BLAIR
He’s here with me now.

WES
[tape] It’s not even good pornography, but they’re just this side of snuff films

BLAIR
Okay, she’s here.

WES
[tape] And the two things that make them scared gutless are the FCC and every psycho-religious cultist that gets positively horny at the mention of a boycott. These are the people-

JORDAN
Well, they’re gonna be some horny psycho-religious cults tonight.

DANNY
I’m sorry, are we in your room? The hotel just let us in to let us use the VC- Are we in somebody’s room?

JORDAN
Danny, I’m Jordan McDeere.

BLAIR
Jordan’s here to see you.

DANNY
Me?

JORDAN
Yeah.

DANNY
This all, I was gonna say, this all happened on your first day.

JORDAN
As a matter of fact, my contract doesn’t start till Monday. Technically, I suppose I could blow all this off and go to Cabo for the weekend. Do you want to come?

DANNY
I don’t have my passport. You came to see me?

JORDAN
I did.

DANNY
Why?

JORDAN
To ask you to go to Cabo. But since you can’t do that, what about this? You and Matt Albie run Studio 60.

DANNY
You want Matt and me to run the show?

JORDAN
Yeah. Right now, as a matter of fact. Your cast and crew and staff are gathering at the stage.

DANNY
That’s why you came here? You came here to find me?

JORDAN
Yeah.

DANNY
God. No. I’m making a movie right now.

JORDAN
Danny --

DANNY
Gearing up to start production on a new screenplay.

JORDAN
I don’t think you are.

DANNY
You know, I’m not comfortable having this conversation without uh… Uh, I’m assuming that you fired Wes?

JORDAN
Yeah.

DANNY
Yeah, I can’t have this conversation until I got his-

JORDAN
Blessing? You have it.

DANNY
Sorry?

JORDAN
You have his blessing, you can call him if you want.

BLAIR
Jordan I think we ought to talk about-

DANNY
What did you mean when you said… I said we’re making a movie and you said I don’t think so.

BLAIR
Jordan knows about the test.

DANNY
I’m sorry?

JORDAN
I have an ex-boyfriend who’s an executive at Great Western Mutual and he tells me things he’s not supposed to tell me.

DANNY
Is that right?

JORDAN
Yeah.

DANNY
And he doesn’t want to be your ex boyfriend anymore.

JORDAN
I know you failed your physical. That hooked up with the fact you were in rehab 11 years ago
means you can’t get your completion insurance until you’ve had 18 months of clean tests, and I’m sorry to bring it up like this, it’s certainly none of my business. You’ll be able to get bonded again in 18 months and I need you for two years so it just about works out.

DANNY
It does.

JORDAN
Yeah.

DANNY
You’re black mailing me.

JORDAN
I absolutely am not.

DANNY
How many other- Blair, how many other, how many other people know about this.

BLAIR
I don’t know, Danny, but Jordan’s saying it doesn’t matter, because-

DANNY
It matters, I haven’t told Matt, Matt doesn’t know.

JORDAN
The information I have interests me only in as much as it means you’re available to do a job that you’re great at and that you love.

DANNY
I, I have to go downstairs.

JORDAN
The money will be more than what you make directing a feature which you’re not going to be able to do in another year and a half anyway. All I need you to do is come down to the studio, make your peace with Jack Rudolph, take over the show and then knock it out of the park for me.

DANNY
I have to go downstairs.

JORDAN
Matt’s not down there anymore.

DANNY
Where is he?

JORDAN
He’s meeting you at the stage. He’s being taken in a separate car.

DANNY
Why?

JORDAN
Because the press is about 8 minutes behind all of us tonight.

DANNY
I’m going over there now, but not to talk to your boss, or take over the show or hit it out of the park. But to tell Matt before you, ‘cause that’s your next step.

JORDAN
I have no intention of telling Matt or anyone else.

DANNY
That’s nice, but I have no reason to trust you and every reason not to.

JORDAN
Why?

DANNY
You work in television. Call down for my car please.

[Outside Studio 60.]
MATT
How are you doing?

ASSISTANT
Fine.

MATT
Good.

DANNY
Matt?

MATT
Where the hell did you go?

DANNY
Sorry about that.

MATT
I said, he’s never not been there for me and then there was a follow spot on a basket of dinner rolls.

DANNY
Sorry.

MATT
What’s going on, do you know about Wes? Do you know what happened?

DANNY
Yeah, and they’re offering us the show

MATT
What?

DANNY
They want us to run the show.

MATT
They want us to come back.

DANNY
Yeah, but I have to talk to you about something else. I can’t direct the movie.

MATT
What do you mean?

DANNY
You have to get somebody else, I took my insurance physical a week ago, and I tested positive for cocaine. I need 18 months of clean tests before I can get a completion bond.

MATT
All right. Okay, are you alright?

DANNY
Yeah, I’m fine.

MATT
Okay, wait.

DANNY
Look.

MATT
Wait.

DANNY
Matt.

MATT
I’ll bond you.

DANNY
What?

MATT
I’ll pay for the bond.

DANNY
How much money do you have?

MATT
Well, with my savings, investments, and my percentage of the first dollar gross of this movie? 65 dollars.

DANNY
Matt.

MATT
So we’ll make some budget cuts, we shoot in Vancouver.

DANNY
No, we’re not shooting in Vancouver. I’m drawing the line on the insanity. Vancouver doesn’t look like anything. It doesn’t even look like Vancouver. It looks like Boston, California. You need to go to another director. Go to Soderburg, go to Curtis Hanson…

MATT
Wait a second, wait a second.

DANNY
Spike Jonze…

MATT
They must know. That’s how they knew we were available.

DANNY
Some guy from the insurance company wants to sleep with Jordan McDeere.

MATT
Who doesn’t want to sleep with Jordan McDeere? Are they swinging this thing in front of your face?

DANNY
The point is the new movie does not have-

MATT
Sons of bitches!

DANNY
Matt!

[WES’s office]
JORDAN
Hey guys.

JACK
So are they coming here or what?

JORDAN
I have a strong hunch that they are.

JACK
A hunch…

JORDAN
Yeah, listen do you drive a brand new black Lexus by any chance?

JACK
Yes

JORDAN
Okay, I owe you a left tail light and a rear bumper, I was just writing the owner a note…

MATT
Excuse me.

JORDAN
Matt, I’m Jordan.

MATT
Matt Albie.

JORDAN
I couldn’t be a bigger fan of yours.

MATT
Thank you.

JACK
Matt.

MATT
You don’t have to introduce yourself, Jack. We’ve met. Are you people using the confidential information that Danny failed a drug test to force him into taking over Studio 60 to deflect attention from what happened on the air tonight?

JACK
He failed a drug test?

JORDAN
Yeah, actually Matt, I was the only one who knew about that. Should’ve trusted me a little, Danny.

MATT
Sorry about that, that one was all me.

DANNY
Yeah.

MATT
Ironically, I’m the one who’s high as a paper kite right now, but legitimately. I had back surgery Tuesday. L-5 S-1 if that means anything to you. Stop talking now? Yeah, you bet.

JACK
Well, now that I understand Jordan’s magic ingredients tonight, why don’t we talk?

JORDAN
Congratulations on your WGA award.

MATT
Thank you.

JACK
What’d you think of Wes’s speech?

DANNY
Which one of us are you talking to?

JACK
Either one.

DANNY
It was unprofessional. It was indefensible. What do you think I think?

JACK
I’m not talking about the presentation so much as the content.

DANNY
It’s content. It’s a little hard to… I thought he tried to cram a lot of large generalities into a short period of time.

JACK
Do you think television is bad?

DANNY
Why do you ask?

JACK
Because that’s what you’ll be asked by the press.

DANNY
No, I think My Mother the Car was bad. I think this is something else.

SHELLY (?)
Well, that’s a terrible answer.

DANNY
Sorry.

JACK
Matt?

MATT
What the hell are we talking about? You fired us four years ago from the number two spot, we went out and got famous, and now you want us back cause you’re in a jam, isn’t that what’s going on?

JACK
Now, sounds like you’re in a bit of a jam too, fellas.

DANNY
We’re done. [He leaves]

MATT
We’re gonna take the job. I’ll bring him around. I’m not sure threatening him was the way to go.

JACK
I didn’t make a threat. And by the way, I didn’t fire you either. You quit.

MATT
Please, Jack. The wind started blowing hard in another direction and all of a sudden, my jokes weren’t so funny anymore. You put the flag over the network bug-- God forbid you should lose the bug altogether and you pointed us toward the door.

JACK
For the record, when I did, it was your hero Wes Mendell who opened it.

MATT
I know that.

JACK
There’s gonna be a press conference at noon on Monday announcing that you two are running Studio 60. I know I can count on you to answer questions in a way that doesn’t embarrass the National Broadcasting System. Will that be hard for you?

MATT
I wouldn’t think it’d be hard for anybody. Cause if you pointed a camera at two people masturbating, it’d be among the least embarrassing things on the National Broadcasting System.
I’ll tell Blair to start working on the deal. (He leaves)

JORDAN
I’ve already got a dual masturbation show in active development so…

JACK
Keep laughing Jordan. This is all on you.


[Backstage]
MATT
Excuse me. Do you work here?

SUZANNE
Yeah.

MATT
I’m Matt Albie.

SUZANNE
I know. I’m Suzanne. I’m a PA.

MATT
How many of the cast, crew, and writing staff would you say are in the building right now?

SUZANNE
Probably almost all of them. Are you coming to save us?

MATT
Would you page everyone to the stage please?

SUZANNE
Yes, sir.
(overhead speakers)
Full company to the stage please, full company to the stage.

HARRIET
[running into MATT] Oh!

MATT
Hi.

HARRIET
What are you doing here?

MATT
Danny and I are taking over the show.

HARRIET
You are?

MATT
I’m your boss now, so we’re going to have postpone this fight for a couple of years.

HARRIET
Really?

MATT
Yes.

HARRIET
No, I mean you’re really taking over the show.

MATT
Yes

HARRIET
Or we could just end it now. The fight.

MATT
That’d be fine too.

HARRIET
First of all, could you stop telling people we broke up because of the national anthem? It makes me sound like an idiot.

MATT
Actually, the consensus is it makes me sound like an idiot.

HARRIET
Well, be that as it may and truer words were never spoke, please stop it.

MATT
Fine.

HARRIET
We didn’t break up because of the Dodger game.

MATT
No, we didn’t.

HARRIET
When you were promoting the movie, I was holding your hand every step of the way. When I had a CD to promote in 52 markets in 15 days, you disappeared.

MATT
I didn’t disappear.

HARRIET
You got cold and you got mean.

MATT
Right after you went on The 700 Club. Is that timing lost on you?

HARRIET
It was an album of spiritual music. Those are the people who buy spiritual music!

MATT
I don’t care if it was an album of the three wise men covering the Doobie Brothers. You put on a dress and you sang for a bigot.

HARRIET
I sang for his audience, not everyone of whom is necessarily the grotesque stereotype you’d like them to be. Most of these people have nothing except their faith, and that moves me.

MATT
Throw in the Halloween costumes; you got yourself a Klan rally. (She slaps him)

HARRIET
I’m sorry.

MATT
Fortunately, I’m on about 8000 milligrams of painkillers right now.

HARRIET
And I’m sorry if my going on Pat Robertson offended you and if I had to do it again, I wouldn’t. But the sketch that got cut, I stood by that sketch all week. And I stood by it all night, and I’ll stand by it in front of the press, and you know what that sketch was called? Crazy Christians.

MATT
700 Club isn’t a comedy show.

HARRIET
There’s no way to get this idiotic argument behind us?

MATT
No. But score for us on Friday nights, and we won’t have a problem. I’m looking forward to working with you.


[Set of a taxicab backstage.]
MATT
We’re doing it.

DANNY
Matt, you can get another director. You can get someone good.

MATT
I don’t want someone else. I want you.

DANNY
The joke was “I don’t want someone good, I want you.”

MATT
I know where the joke was. What happened? What happened?

DANNY
Nothing happened. It just happened.

MATT
Once?

DANNY
A long weekend.

MATT
You talk to your sponsor?

DANNY
Yeah.

MATT
You back at meetings?

DANNY
Yeah. I had 11 years. Now I have 8 days.

MATT
Why didn’t you tell me? When I screw up, you know about it.

DANNY
When you screw up, I read about it.

MATT
No, I tell you. You’re the first one I tell. You need to go someplace? I mean, don’t – we can shut this thing down for 30 days.

DANNY
No, we can’t. Look, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. I was-

MATT
No forget that. But it’s gonna be our show now, and only one of us can screw up at a time and I think that we both know that most of the time, it’s gonna be me. You’re the big shoulders.

DANNY
I hear you.

MATT
Good, cause I don’t remember what I just said.

DANNY
I do. [They leave the cab.]

JORDAN
Oh, boys. Let’s not have another meeting like that again, okay? It just makes my job harder.

DANNY
Why do I care about your job being harder?

JORDAN
Because you don’t know it yet, but I’m gonna be your dream come true.

DANNY
Appreciate the sentiment, but I’ll believe it when I see it.

JORDAN
Yeah, I get that a lot. You know what happened the morning after it was announced I was the president of NBS?

DANNY
What?

JORDAN
TMG stock dropped 3/8 of a point. I actually caused a dip in the NASDAQ index just by showing up to work in the morning. I don’t think a lot of people are betting on me.

DANNY
How much latitude do we have with personnel?

JORDAN
Some. Some you’re going to have to keep, though. Ricky and Ron have two more years on their contract.

MATT
I don’t want Ricky and Ron.

JORDAN
They’re getting thirty thousand an episode, we’re not going to eat that.

MATT
You’re paying Beavis and Hackboy thirty thousand an episode?

JORDAN
I’m not the one who made the deal, but it’s there. So they’re your co-execs. Hey, you know what this is? It’s the sketch that got cut. I just read it. I thought it was inspired, but I’m not an expert. Matt, read it and tell me what you think.

MATT
No, I’m not gonna read it.

JORDAN
Just read it and tell me if it should’ve gone on the air.

MATT
I don’t need to read it.

JORDAN
Matt.

DANNY
He doesn’t need to read it.

JORDAN
Why?

MATT
Because I wrote it. Four years ago. Shortly before I apparently quit.

JORDAN
I know. All right, so you want me to prove it? Here’s my first try. Open with it next week. [Final scene begins to the tune of Queen and David Bowie’s “Under Pressure.”]

DANNY
You got to give her style points.

MATT
Yeah.

DANNY
You got to ask yourself…

MATT
What?

DANNY
What if she’s for real?

MATT
Yeah.

DANNY
Cal.

CAL
Hey.

DANNY
You left him on for 53 seconds.

CAL
Yeah.

DANNY
What the hell, Cal, you practice that? It’s live air. Tell you what. I don’t think it was an accident. I think you left him on.

CAL
I did. You guys do what you gotta do here. There won’t be any hard feelings.

DANNY
We need you to stay. (CAL smiles) All right, then.

CAL
All right.

DANNY
Cal. If you’d left him on for 54 seconds, I’d have given you a raise. (CAL leaves. DANNY and MATT stand, looking around) What are you smiling about?

MATT
It’s a nice studio. It’s a great studio with an incredible history… the people who’ve had this stage…

DANNY
You like it?

MATT
Yeah.

DANNY
Good. Cause we live here now. … Let’s go. [They head onstage to meet their cast and crew.]

If you see any errors, please comment with them and I'll get them fixed.