Title: Snapshots
Word Count: 6,962
Pairing: Jensen/Jared and Chris/Steve, mainly; Sophia/Sandy, mentions of Sophia/Alexis, Sophia/Alona and Jensen/Tom.
Full cast list with photos
Warnings: AU, Angst, Hurt/Comfort. Quite a dark fic - mentions abuse, rape, violence, self-harm, all happened in the past but that affect the present. I promise everything will be treated with the maximum tact and respect. I in no way support rape or abuse, or show it in any sort of positive light. This is merely the journey of a broken soul towards health and regeneration, showing how those terrible events affect a life and how you can deal with it.
Rating: from PG-13 to NC-17
Beta: indusnm, thehighwaywoman, splashpink. Thank you so much for all the prodding and poking and hand holding. If this chapter is out, it's all thanks to you. I love you girls! ♥
Disclaimer: I own nothing, and this is all the product of my overactive (and slightly twisted) imagination! Please don’t sue!
Summary: “Lie awake in bed at night, and think about your life, do you want to be different? It's time to forget about the past, to wash away what happened last” - 30 Seconds to Mars, A beautiful lie


Prologue - Chapter 1 - Chapter 2 - Chapter 3 - Chapter 4 - Chapter 5 - Chapter 6 - Chapter 7 - Chapter 8 - Chapter 9 - Chapter 10 - Chapter 11 - Chapter 12 - Chapter 13 - Chapter 14 - Chapter 15 - Chapter 16 - Chapter 17 - Chapter 18 - Chapter 19

Download here the official SNAPSHOTS SOUNDTRACK, made by the awesome woodsbaile_02


Dedicated to sweet evenstar_1203 for her birthday! SO SORRY I AM LATE BABY! *hugs*





Chapter 20


Jensen shuffles on his feet and eyes the closet almost fearfully. Where is Sophia when he needs her? Or Chris? Seriously, Jensen wouldn’t be picky.

He runs his hand over the series of shirts and jeans that he’s got hanging in his closet, all perfectly ironed, all as anonymous as possible. He half-heartedly chooses a black, long-sleeved t-shirt, the one he usually wears when he and Sophia go see Chris play. Both elbows are a little washed-out, lighter than the rest, and he takes it off nervously, evading his reflection in the mirror.

Truth is, he’s really got nothing there that would be fit to wear on a date, much less to a theatre. And if Chris hadn’t been re-enacting death defrosting down in Sophie’s room, he would surely would have gone bugging the hell out of him.

The minutes pass and he feels closer and closer to panic. He frets over every pair of jeans, every shirt, every hoodie and sweater he owns, anxiety growing in pitch when he finds things that don’t even fit him anymore, and an Alumni sweater that’s almost threadbare. He wishes he wasn’t so nervous. He wishes he could just pick some casual shirt and jeans and be done with it without feeling like he’s walking on nails, every single nerve raw-edged .

A knock on his door makes him flinch. He sighs when he sees Chris’ pale face poking in from around the frame. “You still in one piece?” he asks, voice rough from coughing most of the day, red-rimmed eyes crinkled as he grins.

Jensen smiles at him, scratching the back of his head with one hand and sighing. “No. I’m all over the place, to tell you the truth.”

Chris sits on his bed, groaning as another round of coughs rack his chest. Dr. Tyler had come early that morning and had prescribed him so much shit he had prompted Sophia's usual tirade about how useless medicines were and how they had side effects nastier than what they were supposed to cure.

Jensen had been glad to hightail it out of there to get to the gym – when she and the doc started fighting on that, there was just no way of knowing who would run out of arguments first. Probably neither. It was more likely that it would continue until Dr. Tyler had a call or Sophia realized she had to drive all the way to Santa Monica, but until then battle would go on, and on, and on.

He smiles a little at Chris and sits next to him. “I thought you were still knocked out by your prescriptions.”

Chris sighs and coughs. “I pretended to sleep when they reached the infamous point of exactly how legal it was to prescribe anti-depressants.”

Jensen cringes. He’s so glad he’s had to run before they hit that. “Sorry, man.”

Chris grins, “It’s all right. ‘tleast I’m not dead anymore.”

“Good enough, huh?” Jensen turns his attention back to the selection of clothes next to them, while Chris chokes and coughs and blows his nose, doing a wonderful impression of trumpets in an orchestra.

“You –” he says, coughing, “Going out?”

Jensen’s cheeks turn pink. “Why do you ask?”

“Having half your closet out on your bed is kinda a telltale, Jen,” Chris explains patiently, his voice thickened by his head cold.

Jensen grins ruefully at him. “I suck.”

“A little,” Chris admits, chuckling. “I always told ya you need more clothes.”

Jensen groans and falls across the other side of his bed, staring at the ceiling in despair. “I’m not going.”

Chris raises one enquiring eyebrow. “'Cause it’s –” Jensen tries not to listen to the sickening raspy way Chris’ throat rasps as he coughs again, “- Halloween?”

“No,” Jensen whispers, “I mean, I was out today and – ya know. I was – all right. Not thrilled, but – all right.”

“Is it 'cause of him?”

Jensen closes his eyes and takes a calming breath through his nose. It doesn’t work.

“Jensen,” Chris wheezes, grimacing as his coughs start again. Jensen hands him the Kleenex box with a small, sympathetic smile. “Look, you’re going," Chris orders. "You told him you would, right?”

Jensen nods.

“Okay, so. You’re going. You told him you were, and it’s huge, and we know it, but maybe now you need to stop overthinking it.” Chris glances at the mess of clothes spread out on top of the comforter. “You really need some new clothes.”

Jensen groans and hides his face in the pillow. He knows that Chris is right, and yet the thought isn’t comforting in the slightest. “What the fuck do I wear?” he moans.

“Why don’t you start by taking a long, nice shower?” Chris nudges Jensen with his foot. “Then we can find something that fits you.”

Jensen sighs, turning his head a fraction so he can peek at him with one eye. “I could do with one, huh?”

Chris smiles at him and rolls over on his back, splaying himself over Jensen's bed and nudging at him to get up as he does so. “Outta my way.”

Jensen chuckles, uncoils himself from his position and casts one last mournful glance at his bed before grabbing some clean underwear from a drawer and walking out to get his shower.

He’s just nervous. It surely isn’t that out of the ordinary, right? Jensen chews thoughtfully on his lower lip as he turns on the hot water, letting it run to get to the right temperature. For all he knows, everyone gets nervous before a date, and all right, maybe they don’t work themselves into a panic like he’s doing, but maybe they’ve also been on dates every once in a while. He tries not to let his mind wander to the time he too dated, the thought alone enough to twist his stomach in painful knots. No good ding on that now.

He takes a deep breath. So, yes, he isn’t really relaxed. And it’s unsettling, because Jared has seen him upset on plenty of occasions – too many, even. He grimaces, trying not to think about when Jared had found him in the bathroom at Lin’D’Berg, pushing that thought as far away from his mind as he possibly can, locking it down in the hope it won’t resurface. He strips down quickly and walks into the shower, welcoming the hot spray as it hits his sore back.

He’s spent so many years trying to make himself as inconspicuous and unnoticeable as possible that now that he’s faced with the prospect of having, wanting, someone to see him, he’s at a loss. He doesn’t even own a pair of decent trousers for this kind of occasion – he’s meant to go out and buy a good suit for when Sophia would have her opening since forever, but he’s never found the time to actually go out and do it.

Jensen sighs, rinses off his hair and walks out, toweling himself dry before stepping into a pair of clean boxers. He takes several deep, calming breaths, waiting until his trembling hands still over the sink. Slowly, he raises his head and braves the mirror. The eyes staring back at him are jaded, as if they have already seen more than they’d ever bargained for. His gaze flickers to the scar above his eye and he fixates on it for a long moment, his knees locking in defense.


“I’m proud of you.” Tom caresses Jensen's face and smiles, gray eyes twinkling. Jensen blushes under the scrutiny and ducks his head, grinning.

“I should go now,” he murmurs, his fingers drumming on Tom’s waist, soft and hesitant. He looks up at Tom and smiles.

Tom leans in to press a kiss over his lips. “It’ll be okay,” he promises him, his fingers tracing along the line of Jensen's jaw.

“Yeah.” Jensen steps back, biting his lip as he throws a worried glance at the dark house behind him. “Hope so.”

“I got your back, remember?” Tom’s hand brushes gently over his neck and Jensen shivers. He’s half tempted to ask him to come in, but he decides against it. Too soon. One thing at a time.

He grins as Tom slips his Halloween mask back on, adjusting his horns and winking at him. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”



“Jen?” The knock at the door startles him. He grips the sink tighter, his head spinning. “Jen, you in here? I’m back.”

He lets out a shaky breath and steps away from his reflection, opening the door and smiling at Sophia. “Already?”

“Don’t tell Jeff.” She winks at him, then frowns. “What’s wrong?”

Jensen shrugs and avoids her eyes as he puts on his hoodie and jeans. “Nothing.”

She sighs, stroking his back as they walk out of the bathroom and back into his bedroom. “Yeah, right.”

Chris has fallen asleep again, knees tucked in against his chest, curled up like a cat on a corner of Jensen’s bed. Jensen feels a mixture of terrible sadness and warmth at the sight, knowing just how exhausted Chris must be and how he's still managed to make sure Jensen wouldn’t be alone in this.

“He’s out,” Jensen says softly, glancing at Chris’s drawn out features.

“He’s sick as a damn dog, and I’m worried,” Sophia mutters, picking up a blanket and throwing it over Chris' sleeping form. “I don’t like all the crap he’s taking.”

Jensen sagely keeps his mouth shut and sits on the other end of the bed, frowning at the bag propped up on his clothes. “You left your stuff,” he says, trying not to sound annoyed, because it really isn’t fair of him to bitch at her for leaving her shit all over the place when she’s made sure she’d gotten back early to hold his hand.

“That’s for you.” Sophia’s eyes twinkle. “Present.”

Jensen opens his mouth to say something intelligent, then closes it with a snap as his eyes are drawn to the classy paper bag. “What?” he asks feebly, bringing his knees up to his chest and staring at the bag like it's a mirage.

“I knew you’d be freaking out, and I got you something. That’s it.” She nods to the bag and cocks her head to one side, looking expectantly at him. “Hope you like it.”

“You didn’t have to,” Jensen murmurs. “You’re insane –”

“I know, I know,” She waves a hand in the air. “I’m also awesome.”

Jensen wraps his arms around her neck and tugs her close. “You shouldn’t have.”

“It’s nothing,” she says, stroking his back in long, reassuring strokes. “C’mon, at least open it before thanking me.”

Jensen does, his fingers trembling slightly. Presents aren’t unusual in their little circle, not really, but there had been a time when spending money on anything but food had been a luxury they couldn’t afford. An uncalled-for present still chokes him up a little, another reminder of how damn lucky he is to have friends like Sophia and Chris by his side.

Lower lip pulled between his teeth, Jensen undoes the string keeping the handles shut and peers inside, his heart doing a somersault as he pulls the contents out and spreads them across the bed. “Oh god…”

“You like?”

Jensen’s temporarily robbed of speech as he stares at the classy gray slacks and the fine black button-down, his fingers running almost in wonder across the fabric. There’s a belt already looped in the slacks, and a black sweater to go over it all. “I – ” he croaks, then swallows and clears his throat, hoping for his voice to come out more steadily. “It’s – ”

“Good,” Sophia says, smiling at him like she understands. As always. “Then let me see how they fit.”

Jensen hastily takes off his jeans and hoodie and tries on his new outfit, the buttons proving trickier than he’d have thought as he works them in the loops with his slightly trembling fingers. He doesn’t even look at the brand tags inside the clothes – he’s too young to have heart failure over how much they cost.

“If I were to give you my personal photographer’s opinion, I'd have to say you look incredibly beautiful,” Sophia says, her eyes alight.

Jensen grins weakly and rubs the back of his neck, hurriedly taking off his glasses and polishing them with the hem of his discarded sweater before adjusting them on his nose. “You think?”

“I think as soon as he sees you, he’s going to want to sweep you off your feet.”

Jensen blushes and ducks his head, the tips of his ears turning bright red. Not having Jared running away scared mid-evening is about as much as he's hoping for; he’s not aiming higher than that. “Thanks,” he murmurs, walking up to Sophia and wrapping her in a hug. Sophia holds him tight for a moment before pulling back, smoothing away a crease over his dress shirt.

“You’re not coming, then?” Jensen asks again, even though he already knows the answer.

“Nah.” She raises up on her tiptoes, messing up his hair while she chuckles. “It’s a date, and you can’t bring third wheels on a date.”

“You’d be there for the main act.” Jensen smiles, jerking his head backwards to shake her hands out of his hair. “I’m sure Sandy would be thrilled to see you.”

She sighs, “No, sweetie. I’ll see her in two days. It’s more than enough.”

He nods, knowing better than to push the subject. He could guilt her into going with him, but he knows it wouldn’t be fair to her, or, truth be told, to himself. He said he’d go, and he’s going to. On his own.

With Jared.


+++


At eight-thirty sharp, Jared pulls his blue Volvo (washed for the first time in over a year just for the occasion) up in front of Jensen’s place. His stomach has taken residence somewhere high up in his throat, just below his loudly thumping heart.

Calm. He can do calm. He wipes his sweaty palms over his jeans and takes a deep, steadying breath. Okay. It’s his first date ever (because that one with Sandy in freshman year? So doesn’t count) and he is perfectly calm.

Fuck, no, he isn’t. He’s about to hyperventilate, and not even Justin’s beat can relax him. He owes Megan a big one, as if she hadn’t brought him a set of clean clothes to the Lin’D’Berg he would have never had made it in time from Pasadena and back. Just his idiocy not to bring anything appropriate with him for the show.

He turns off the radio and checks nervously for crumbled up candy wrappers, crumbs, used Kleenex, running his hands over the dashboard to dust it off, despite knowing he had polished it right before driving away from the pub.

He’s calm. He’s really calm. Breathing hard through his nose again, he opens the door and smoothes down his jacket, running one hand through his slightly damp hair and finally walking up to the doorbell and ringing it.

He adjusts the cuffs of his shirt, hating that Meg had to go and pick the one she'd brought him – it’s too tight around his chest and it makes him feel a little self conscious. Maybe he could keep his the jacket on the whole evening. That sounds like a plan.

When the door opens, he’s totally unprepared for the sight that meets his eyes His mouth goes slightly dry and his stomach does a quick back flip. Jensen’s eyes are warm and that shade of jade that changes according to the rays of the setting sun, and it’s almost too intense to stare at, even through his glasses.

“Hey,” Jensen greets, catching his bottom lip with his teeth. Jared’s eyes zero in on his mouth and he has to kick himself mentally to break out of his stare.

“You look awesome,” Jared says, because it’s true. Jensen blushes adorably, and the tight knot of tension in his stomach eases a bit. He smiles at Jensen, swinging his arms awkwardly at his sides before thrusting them in the pockets of his jeans. “Are you ready?”

Jensen nods, pink roses of color high on his cheekbones, making his freckles stand out against his fair skin. “Yeah.”

Jensen shouts a goodbye, probably to Sophia, or Christian, or both, and gets a “Behave!” and one “Or not!” back that make his flush deepen. Jared’s shoulders slowly start to unknot. He’s not the only one who’s nervous, and knowing that Jensen shares the feeling does wonders for his frayed nerves.

“My sister picked my outfit,” Jared confesses as they walk to the car, Jensen falling into step by his side. “You can blame her for my looking like an idiot.”

Jensen grins at him and shakes his head, his face still a cute shade of pink. “She did a good job,” he says softly. Jared’s knees go weak. He opens the car door for Jensen, not really sure of what the proper etiquette is when your date is a gorgeous man, and slides back behind the wheel, breathing slightly easier.

“Show starts at nine,” he says, a little ruefully, “I’m sorry I couldn’t get Chad to let me off sooner or I would’ve totally taken you out for a bite to eat.”

“Chad is a children exploiter,” Jensen chuckles before his eyes go sad. “How’s Steve?”

Jared sighs, chewing thoughtfully on the corner of his mouth. “I dunno. He’s – pretty broken up. But I think it’s normal, yeah?” He pauses, chancing a half look in Jensen’s direction as he drives toward the theatre. “How’s Christian?”

Jensen looks up at him. Jared can feel Jensen's eyes on him even when he’s watching the road. “He’s, he’s not good,” Jensen says uncertainly. “Why?”

Jared frowns and looks at him briefly again, “ break ups are never easy – on both parts. Now, I dunno whose fault it is, or anything, ya know, it’s not my business, but –I wanted to know how he was doing. Must be hard for him, too.”

“It is,” Jensen says quietly. “He’s been doing some – I wouldn’t say crazy things, because, hell, it’s Chris, he’s listed in the dictionary under the crazy category, it’s just – it’s not his usual crazy.”

“Is there anything we can do?” Jared asks, frowning in concentration.

“Not really.” Jensen sighs, taking off his glasses and rubbing his face. He looks sad now, and Jared thinks that maybe this conversation wasn’t the best ice-breaker he could’ve come up with. “Sophia says he’s gotta deal with this on his own," Jensen goes on to say, "And I think she’s right, she’s always right, but that’s beside the point.” He shakes his head. “It’s just hard.”

“I bet,” Jared says, smiling a bit. “But if they’re both miserable, both missing each other – it’s a pretty good place to start building things back up from, right?”

“I hope so,” Jensen’s voice is soft, and when Jared turns to look at him, he finds him staring at his eyes, green as miles of windswept grass. Jared thinks he's lucky that they're almost at the theatre, because there's no way in hell he'll been able to drive them much further without crashing into a pole, what with the magnetic weight of Jensen’s gaze on him.

His stomach does another little flip-flop as he pulls into the John Anson Ford Amphitheatre’s parking lot, checking the inside pocket of his jacket for the tickets, panicking for an instant when he thinks he might have left them at the pub. He breathes in relief when he finds them and takes them out, following Jensen, who’s already climbed out of the car and is looking in awe at the building.

“This place looks awesome,” Jensen says when Jared joins him. Jared feels stupidly proud, as if he’d been the one who built it. “Sandy must be so excited.”

“She is,” Jared groans. “She's been swinging moods for a month about this thing. I am so glad we’re here, finally,” He chuckles, hesitantly reaching out with his hand to take Jensen's. Jensen looks at him, eyes wide, but he doesn’t pull away, his fingers warm and smooth in Jared’s grip. “Shall we go?” Jared asks, surprised his voice doesn’t come out as a croak. He can feel nervous prickles dancing across his skin, and he’s suddenly really, really glad he hasn’t had time for dinner.

Jensen nods, his fingers curling around Jared’s as he smiles at Jared and they walk through the hall. Jared notices people turning to stare at them, some in wonder, some curiously, and some downright nastily. He feels a distinct surge of tension going up Jensen’s spine, Jensen tucking his shoulders in as if he’s trying to make himself as small as possible.

Jared stares defiantly back at a family muttering under their breath a little further on in the queue, and tightens his hand around Jensen’s as he pulls him closer to his side. “You want to go backstage before they start?” he whispers, grinning at him. “Sandy is going to freak out and yell and call me a pussy. It’s gonna be fun.”

Jensen’s eyes light up. “We could go backstage?”

“Of course we can,” Jared’s grin widens. He adjusts his accent, mimicking Chad’s southern drawl. “I got connections, boy, remember?” which makes Jensen chuckle. Jared winks at him and waves his tickets in front of a security man, getting them inside the theatre. Once there, he squints to locate the backdrop that will lead them to the backstage.

“There,” he says triumphantly, pulling Jensen along with him as he walks down the stairs all the way to the door marked “Private”. They nod at another security man as they pass him. Jared snickers a little at Jensen’s wide-eyed wonder as the man lets them through with a short bow.

“I’ve taken Sandy to practice countless times,” Jared explains, bumping his shoulder against Jensen’s as he swings their hands a little. “It looks a lot cooler than it really is.”

Jensen snorts and shakes his head. “You’re insane, you know that?”

“I’m very aware,” Jared says seriously, grinning like a madman when their ears are assaulted by what sounds like a hundred angry hissing cats. “Here are the ladies.”

Jensen slows down visibly, looking wary. “Um. Are you sure we’re allowed to disturb them? I mean, the show starts in ten…”

“Sandy’s gonna kill me if I don’t wish her luck. It’s our ritual.” Jared knocks at the door. The hissing quietens for a second before rising in volume. A few seconds later the handle turns and Sandy wrenches the door open, beautiful as always, makeup and costume already in place.

“About damn time,” she grumbles, her tone totally at odds with her fragile-looking beauty. Jared is about to hug her good luck and get back to their seats when her mouth falls open, eyes going round and big as quarters. “Oh.”

Jared mentally facepalms himself. Manners, Jared, for god’s sake. His momma would be revolted. “Sandy, this is Jensen.” He lets go of Jensen’s hand so he can shake Sandy’s. “My date.”

Jensen smiles and takes Sandy’s hand, “It’s a pleasure to meet you. Jared’s always talking about you.”

Jared sees Sandy staring, awe-stuck, into Jensen’s face, and he clears his throat loudly when she doesn’t let go of his hand immediately. Sandy throws him a dirty look before adjusting her corset and turning her attention back to Jensen. “You shouldn’t believe a word he says, most of the time.”

“Hey!” Jared says indignantly, taking Jensen’s hand back in his own. Sandy follows the move with her eyes and smirks at Jared, then winks at him.

“It’s great finally meeting you,” she tells Jensen with a million-watt smile. “And it’s you Jared can’t shut up about, seriously, I almost feel like I’ve known you forever.”

Jensen grins, just on this side of shy, adjusting the cuffs of his shirt, and Jared has never been more mesmerized by someone in his life. “I’m not sure I should ask what he’s told you.” he whispers, voice hesitant. Jared shoots a warning glance to her, but she’s already taken it in her stride.

“Only nice things,” she assures him, her eyes glowing. “Maybe you’ll help him rethink his stupid decision about not going to college – ”

“Sandy!” Jared blushes and glowers at her, trying to ignore the weight of Jensen’s curious glance. “Shut up.”

She blows him a cheeky kiss before wrapping him in a hug, and hugging Jensen in the next second. “Thanks for stopping by, guys. I really appreciate it.”

Jared smiles, his annoyance melting on the spot. “Good luck, girl. Knock them dead.”

“Good luck,” Jensen says warmly. “From Sophia, as well. She couldn’t make it, but she told me she’s cheering you on.”

Jared’s grin couldn’t be wider as Sandy blushes to the roots of her hair and stutters for a second before squeaking ‘Thank you’ and pushing them out, shutting the door and barricading herself inside the changing room with the rest of the girls.

“You made her night,” Jared informs Jensen as they walk back to their seats. Jensen raises one inquiring eyebrow at him, and Jared laughs. “Telling her Sophia remembered her.”

Jensen grins, looking curious. “She likes Sophia?”

“She’s head over heels,” Jared snorts, letting Jensen walk in the row first, and sitting down next to him. “I don’t know what’s gotten into her lately – it’s like she’s got a crush on her. She’s really grateful for the opportunity and for the shoot – all in all, I think Sophia’s taking my place of favorite person in her whole world,” he says, pouting.

Jensen tightens his hand briefly over Jared's. “I’m sure no one could do that.”

Jared looks in Jensen’s beautiful eyes, and has to fight the urge to do something incredibly dumb, like bring Jensen’s hand up and kiss it. He settles for holding it tightly and slouching down in the red cushions on their chairs. Jared can’t help but think that Jensen looks much like a kid at an amusement park, his eyes wide, looking around the theater as he’d never been in one before, trying to make himself small when people glance his way.

An intimidated kid, which is what amazes Jared the most because he figured Jensen would have been used to people gaping at him, as beautiful as he is. Instead, it’s like the more people keep throwing glances, the more Jensen fights to blend in with his seat cushions. Jared nudges Jensen's shoulder with a small grin. “Everyone’s wondering what the hell you’re doing with a nerd like me,” he whispers in Jensen's ear, which makes Jensen blush and duck his head.

“Why do you enjoy embarrassing me so much?” Jensen asks then, grinning back as he looks at Jared through lowered eyelashes. “I’m usually much more eloquent and articulate, you know.”

Jared’s stomach does a joyous cartwheel, and he wants to say something – possibly stupid enough to have Jensen run away scarred for life – but thankfully, the lights lower and the Moulin Rouge unfolds before their eyes.


+++


Jensen has never been to a theater. He’s never seen a live musical, or a dance show, and the movements of the dancers on stage are utterly mesmerizing. Sandy’s performance is beautiful and heart-wrenching, and Jensen feels tears prickle at his eyes when El Tango de Roxanne plays on stage.

Jared’s hand curls around his own for the whole of the night, and at some point Jensen lets his head fall against Jared's shoulder, waiting on tenterhooks for a brush off, but it never comes. Jared nudges gently at the side of his face until he's better nestled in the crook of Jared's neck, Jared's fingertips lightly stroking the back of his hand.

Jensen’s stomach is filled with nervous, dancing butterflies, and he can barely see through the tears as the tragedy plays out on stage, unable to distinguish the emotions rocking him, between anxiety, wonder, sadness, and a tiny ray of hope that spreads from his fingers through every part of his body.

When Jared lets go of his hand he immediately tries to push up and edge away, only to be softly guided back, Jared’s arm wrapping around his back, warm hand resting on his bicep. It’s – nice. The now slightly familiar heat coils up in Jensen's belly. He closes his eyes for a moment, allowing himself to get lost in the feeling.

Satine dies on stage, and he hears Jared sniffle right beside him. He looks up. Jared is smiling at him, albeit a little tearily. “Sorry,” he whispers, and Jensen grins and shakes his head, wiping at his own eyes behind the glasses.

“It’s all right,” he murmurs, hesitantly reaching up to brush Jared’s cheek. “I’m crying too,” he adds, and they share a laugh that makes people turn to stare at them, but Jensen doesn’t really care.

Jared jumps up when the curtain falls, starting the standing ovation that Jensen quickly follows with everyone else in the theatre. “You want to see her?” Jensen asks, clapping his hands sore. Jared nods and grins at him, whistling and yelling for the dancers to come out on stage.

They go backstage again, and Jensen’s blushing all shades of red known to mankind when he’s introduced to the rest of Sandy’s dancing group as Jared’s ‘date’.

He has to admit Sophia’s taste in women has totally improved – Sandy is beautiful, glowing, so full of life and laughter that it comes naturally for him to hug her again and compliment her on her performance. It’s almost if she’s a smaller, female version of Jared, who beams like a beacon and has his arm thrown across Jensen’s shoulders as if it’s the most natural thing in the world.

That's when everything starts to go wrong. Sandy’s roommate says something about going to a Halloween party, some sort of masquerade they have down at a girl’s beach house. In the context of "Halloween", it’s too fucking easy to see a ranch instead of a beach house – so easy Jensen immediately goes rigid in Jared’s grip.

“That’s cool,” Jared answers her, then turns to look at Jensen. He sees Jensen's discomfort and frowns. “Jensen?”

“What?” Jensen knows his voice has dropped to a whisper. He fights to get back on steady ground. No goddamn Jack o’ fucking lanterns, nothing, no skeletons, no stupid costumes – not this time. He’s okay. He’ll be okay.

“You’re as white as a sheet.” Jared’s voice is soft and worried. “You feel okay?”

“Yeah.” Jensen tries to smile, and he probably manages because Jared smiles back. “It’s all right.”

“Do you want to go?" Jared asks. "It’s gonna be awesome.”

Jensen’s mouth goes dry. “No,” he says as he shakes his head weakly, the smile feeling plastic on his face. “It’s – I’ll pass. I’m not a big fan of holiday parties.” Jared's face falls, and so does the bottom of Jensen's stomach. “You should go,” Jensen says, voice hearty and thin. “I’ll just head home –”

“No, hey, wait.” Jared’s hand tightens on his shoulder. He edges them both away from the excited dance group. “We can head somewhere else, or – if you don’t feel well, I can take you home. It’s all right. I’m not much into parties, either.” He rubs the back of his neck, his cheeks glowing red. “Just thought – you’d be missing out on some college stuff and – you know. Maybe it’d make up for it.”

Jensen gapes at Jared, mind reeling at how he's misunderstood. “No –” he stammers-- “I’m – not, really, I’m not missing anything and – I did have a great time tonight.”

It’s true. He had never expected to be able to let go like he had, even though everywhere in the streets masked people have popped up and shaken his carefully built walls time after time. He had thought he would panic way before they made it into the theater, and then, when people had started to stare and scowl at the two of them holding hands, Jared had pulled him right out of it, as if it hadn’t bothered him in the slightest. It had made Jensen’s heart accelerate, his stomach’s winged inhabitants fluttering wildly.

Safe. Jensen had never thought it could happen, but he feels – protected, when he's with Jared.

Jared smiles at him, nodding his head at Sandy as they make their way through the small group of dancers to say goodbye for the night. She hugs him again, and Jensen discovers he really doesn’t mind. She’s tiny, even smaller than Sophia, or maybe she only seems that way because she’s appears to be much more feminine and fragile. Not that she couldn’t cut a bitch down if she wanted – he's heard enough of Jared’s stories to watch his step around her.

Jared buys them ice cream cones as they walk past a vendor on their way to the car, then half-chokes himself to death as he laughs and tries to drive one handed and lick the cone at the same time. Jensen's really grateful that he’s got an extra napkin, or he would’ve soaked his brand new trousers with spit and vanilla ice cream at the first pothole they hit.

They’re still laughing like children when Jared pulls over at the house, right behind Sophia’s car. Jared has white ice cream all over his upper lip, and Jensen finds himself staring a little too often at it as they climb out of the car and Jared walks him to the front door.

“Thank you for tonight,” Jared says, scuffing his toes. “I had a great time.”

“Thank you,” Jensen says, knowing his cheeks are glowing pink under the lamp lights. “It was a wonderful show. I’m – I’m glad you asked me,” he adds, feeling the pink turning slightly redder.

Jared shrugs and smiles, rubbing the back of his head in a bashful gesture. “I wouldn’t’ve asked anyone else,” he whispers. Jensen’s stomach does a cartwheel. He swallows, hard, his eyes finding Jared’s just a couple of feet away from his own.

It’s a moment, barely more than a flutter of eyelashes, Jensen’s heart beating wildly as he and Jared look at each other. Then, as if in slow motion, Jared’s hand rises to brush gently across Jensen's cheek, a touch similar to the first one they’d shared, when Jared had been mesmerized by his freckles.

“Goodnight,” Jared murmurs, his caress butterfly-soft and brief. He steps down from the door, hands deep in the pockets of his jacket as he waits for Jensen to go inside.

“Goodnight,” Jensen echoes, fumbling with his keys for a few moments before he can get the door to open.

Jared waves at him and starts to walk backwards, his dimples deep and his eyes shining. “I’ll call.”

Jensen shivers as he closes the door and leans against it from inside. He waits to hear the spluttering engine of the old Volvo driving away before sliding down the floor, clutching his knees to his chest in an attempt to steady his wild heartbeat.

There had been one instant there where he’d have given everything he had and even some things he hadn’t to be able to lean into Jared’s touch and brush their lips together. It hurts more than it should that he wasn't able to do it.

He slowly pushes himself up and wanders upstairs, using his cell phone as a nightlight.

“I’ll call.”

Tom drives off and Jensen smiles, lowering his waving arm as he walks back towards the house. The place is silent. His mother will probably give him the silent treatment for weeks, months even, but he's expecting it. It doesn’t mean it hurts less, though.

Jensen swallows, his throat dry. It’s gone, he thinks savagely as he shuts the door of his room behind him, but despite his assumed bravado he flips the light on instantly, instinctively looking for cold, blue eyes lurking in the shadows.

Nothing. Jensen groans and flops fully-dressed on his bed, hands shaking. He should sleep, he knows he should, but he doesn’t want to close his eyes. He wants to stare holes in the ceiling, room painted with light as if it was daytime, Jared’s touch a warm presence over his skin.

“You’re home late.”

Jensen snaps his eyes open, sitting up straight so fast he's momentarily dizzy. He looks around as a terrified animal would, grasping at the sheets as if they could shield him. There’s nothing in the shadows, he tells himself sternly. Breathe. Just breathe.

He lies back down on the bed, but he’s afraid weariness will win over and he’ll close his eyes again. His back is rigid, all muscles locked and ready to spring at the smallest hint of danger. He stares at the closed door, curled in on himself as if daring it to open. He knows it won’t. It’s all in his head. It’s only in his head.

He cries out as the belt hits his neck, past the point where he cares about not giving him the satisfaction of hearing him scream. He can barely move, his nails broken as he scrapes along the floor, trying to crawl away like an animal. Everywhere hurts - his back, his legs, his arms.

“You broke your mother’s heart,” Sean whispers in Jensen's ear as he grabs him by the collar of his costume and yanks him up. Jensen throws his arms out with a whimper, his battered muscles protesting at the sharp move. “What would your father say if he could see you now?”

Jensen grabs at the hands around his neck, gritting his teeth against the pain as he struggles to hold himself up. “You don’t get to talk about my dad,” he growls, ignoring the continuous, painful throbbing of his legs as he forces them into a standing position. “You just don’t.”

Sean smirks, and Jensen yells as his legs are kicked out from under him, his breath leaving him in a rush. Sean’s arm is tight around his neck as he drags him up and tosses him on the bed. He feels one hand pressing against the back of his neck, rough fingers rubbing into the bruised skin, his face smothered down on the covers. The "Scream" mask he took off when Tom wanted to kiss him stares at him from the end of the bed.

“I am your daddy now,” Sean whispers in a sickening sing-song voice. Jensen’s teeth grit so hard they creak. He tries to force himself back up, but it’s too painful. “Or so your mommy said when she married me.”

“Fuck you,” Jensen spits out, his hands shaking with fury. “Fuck. You.”

The laughter he gets in return chills all the blood in his veins. His jeans are yanked down his thighs, the air of the room cool against the abused skin. His eyes widen when the hand that’s not keeping him down strokes down his backside, grabbing hold of one of his cheeks and spreading him apart.

“What are you doing?” Jensen cries in terror, grasping helplessly at the comforter as he struggles to get away. “What the hell do you think you’re doing?”

“Teaching you a lesson.”

“NO!” Jensen starts to shake violently, cold sweat drenching his back as he tries to kick out at Sean. “NO! Please –”

“It’s what you want, isn’t it?”

Jensen shakes his head frantically, fear clawing in as he hears the metal clinking of a zipper being lowered. “Don’t,” he sobs, his breathing shallow with terror, Sean’s hand tight against the back of his throat. “Please, please, don’t – don’t do it – no – NO!“

He screams as he’s never screamed before, pain cutting through him and splintering him open, raw and violent. Tears slide down his cheeks and die on his lips as he sobs desperately, his body on fire. It wasn’t supposed to be like this – it hurts, it hurts so bad.

"Stop. Please – stop – anything – I’ll do anything –"

Sean laughs, the hold on Jensen's neck tightening until Jensen chokes, pain hitting a peak when his stomach twists and he throws up, the Scream mask swimming mockingly in front of his eyes.

Help – please. Please.


“JENSEN! WAKE UP!”

He almost falls over. When strong arms catch him and prevent him from hitting the floor face-first, he kicks out as violently as he can. He hears a muffled curse and knows he’s got to run. Run. Fast. Now.

“Jensen, baby, please.” He hears another voice, pleading, “It’s all right, we’re all here. It’s okay. Please.”

Jensen opens his tear-filled eyes, scurrying backwards across the room. Images juxtapose before his eyes as he fights to find his feet under the waves of panic crashing over him.

“Jensen!” Sophia’s voice cuts through the haze. The darkness ebbs away, shadows dissipating. “Please. It’s all right.” She doesn't come any nearer, standing a few feet away, then kneeling on the floor with her arms outstretched. Chris hovers behind her, nursing his knee.

Jensen shuffles out from underneath the desk, where he'd found a safe hiding place, and falls limply forward in her arms, his fingers curling against the back of her t-shirt. “It’s all right baby,” she whispers, holding him tight enough for him to feel her heartbeat against his own, strong and steady.

“We’ve gotcha,” Chris’ arm drapes above her own, tightening the warm cocoon around him. “It’s okay,” Chris murmurs, stroking Jensen's back. “It’s over now.”

Jensen nods numbly, tears sliding silently down his cheeks as he clings to Sophia’s neck and fights to remember that he’d been so happy such a short time ago.

One more Halloween down.



TBC....