speaking peace

marshall rosenberg

Tue, 15 Jul 2008 14:53:46 GMT

they finally put this vid up on youtube. yay.

Social Change: Taking NVC to School

Sat, 17 May 2008 09:13:06 GMT

i spent last evening with the rather wonderful iris, immodica. had a super time, we have so much in common and it was SO easy to talk to her, we laughed a lot too! :)) (thanks iris! ♥)

at some point we started talking about nvc and she mentioned how it can easily be thrown onto the tree-hugging, peace-loving, hippie-esque new age heap of self help [not that she felt this way about it, we were just discussing it]. and basically, i've heard that said before; nvc = hippie shit. this is such a shame to me. i know it's easy to brush nvc off as hippie shit when someone takes it at face value, or even when delved into every so slightly more deeply, it's a safe thing to do. to do that probably meets a need for safety/ order etc. i just want to say though that even though nvc has the words 'non-violence' in its name and even though the words 'feelings & needs' come up a lot, when you go to an IIT, one of the first things marshall rosenberg (founder of NVC) might say is this:

"i am from detroit, and sometimes when i'm in conflict, all i want to say to the other person is: 'go fuck yourself and it'll be the worst sex you've ever had'".

it's not just love, peace fluff and happiness. to me, it's a highly effective tool, very pragmatic, practical tool with which i can communicate differently with people and transform conflict more easily. in addition it creates a quality of connection, deepens intimacy with other, and heals old wounds within myself.

others fear it points to weakness, because exposing one's feelings and talk about needs, surely is a weakness. yes; that is what society has taught us for many many years; having feelings = being weak. (?) so then i suppose we are all weak, but hiding it well.

to me; it takes extreme courage, strength and guts to open up and talk about those feelings/ needs. the strongest person, to me, is those who dare to expose themselves.

everything we do in life, everything we are = feelings and needs - how come we keep denying them?

here an interesting article by catherina cadden, bringing NVC into schools - I met her in albuquerque in December 07.

Social Change: Taking NVC to School

by Catherine Cadden

My heart opens with each teen I meet, knowing the courage they maintain in a society that continues to labels so many as "marginalized", "dangerous", "lazy", "lost"...you can probably name the rest. Staying aware that my own need for belonging is not met until all teens sense their own belonging is one of my driving motivations in my work for social change.

I jump at any chance to bring NVC to teens, and jump I did, last February at the Albuquerque IIT. Our retreat center not only overlooked the spectacular Rio Grande Valley, it also came with a sea of 1,400 high school students that we swam through each day as we walked to our meals. On day two of the IIT, I realized that this would be a great opportunity to share my love of working with teens with some of the participants.

I went immediately to the director at the retreat center to inquire about who to speak with at the Catholic high school about bringing in NVC. Next thing I knew, she'd left a message for the school counselor, and by the next morning I got an email letting me know he had recently heard about NVC and was curious.

At his request to offer a school-wide assembly, my first thought was, "Yikes!" An assembly would surely be too big a space for too little time! After empathy, feedback, and some sound advice from others, I felt clear about keeping to my plan of going directly into a class. After a few emails and a couple of days, voila! There were two classes for us to attend on Wednesday, and I soon had eight eager IIT participants to bring with me to each class.
One lesson I've learned in my experience of bringing NVC into schools is not to judge what class I go to...we were walking into Pre-Calculus. And another is not to judge how long it takes to make authentic connections. With only a quick thirty minutes due to a schedule shortened by Ash Wednesday ceremonies, I began to rush through my dialogue about "Hard to Hear Messages". Suddenly, a student seated in front of me said, loud enough for all to hear, "You're a hypocrite!"

Like a bell of mindfulness, it brought me right back to the moment. I squatted in front of the desk to be at eye level with him and offered, "Is it hard to trust what you are hearing?" He responded that although I was talking about connection, I was not leaving enough time for students to answer questions. I asked, "You'd really like to have your answers heard?" He looked me right in the eye and said, "Yes!" I replied by expressing gratitude for his helping me to slow down and live what I was teaching. I began again repeating the questions and the group dropped into deeper discussion.

I thanked him again as he was leaving class. Before the other IIT participants and I could walk back to debrief our experience, both the teacher and the counselor approached me. With tears in his eyes, the counselor said, "I have not seen any adult respond to that kid in that way before. Could we talk about getting more NVC in here." He let me know that that particular student lived with many of the "labels" afforded a teen in our society and teachers were frustrated with "how to deal with him". The teacher added that this was the first day she had seen her students stay after the bell and not want to leave class. I have continued contact with both of them as we try to bring more trainings into this school. The counselor is seeing what he can do about getting NVC to be a class choice for students.

Connection before education has been my mantra since I first heard Marshall say it at a training in 1996. In this and many other experiences I've had, the quality of connection plants the seeds of social change--no matter the time or place.

Catherine Cadden is a Certified Trainer who lives in Mt. Shasta, CA. In addition to having offered NVC in the US, Argentina, Canada and South Africa, she also founded the TEMBA School in 1997.

listen to marshall!

Fri, 16 May 2008 14:40:08 GMT

you can download LOADS of mp3s on the cnvc website with marshall talking about NVC - definitely worth downloading!

go here: http://cnvc.advantagelabs.com/en/what-nvc/nvc-sound-bytes/nvc-sound-bytes

:)

NVC weekend.

Mon, 07 Apr 2008 12:31:27 GMT

Andy and I went on another NVC course this weekend run by Certified NVC trainer Gina Lawrie. The focus was on transforming anger. Gina and Bridget Belgrave have ‘invented’ the NVC dance floors which are really helpful tools to assist people to externalise your internal processes. There were about 17 people in the group and it was really wonderful to connect with like-minded people again.

Something that really struck me from this course was remembering to step into the dance floors with the intention to connect and keeping your attention in the present moment. On the IIT, obviously, this was emphasised, but Gina, helpfully had a schema that made the importance of it even clearer to me.

The schema looked like this:

Ie: it’s all nice and good to go through a process of NVC, but if your intention is to ‘get what you want’, it’s probably not going to ‘work’. The process of NVC is not outcome-based but process-based. An outcome may be the natural conclusion of the process, but it’s important that the focus isn’t on the outcome. The intention is to connect and your attention needs to be in the present moment, focusing on what is ‘alive’ in you.

I enjoyed being there and meeting more NVC people in Brighton. 5 Have expressed an interest to become part of the NVC practice group myself and Andy are part of in Brighton. It met my needs for connection, learning, community and hope. :-)

crossposted to willowing

Hearts For Peace

Fri, 29 Feb 2008 17:11:36 GMT

Hearts for peace ; Group speaks up for nonviolence and empathy as ways to initiate change
Living

Eric Billingsley Journal Staff Writer
24 Februar 2008
Albuquerque Journal

At The Center for Nonviolent Communication in Albuquerque, acting like a giraffe is not only accepted, it's encouraged.

"The giraffe has the strongest heart," says Jori Manske, a certified trainer in nonviolent communication. "Because of its tall neck it has a great perspective and broader view of life. They're strong animals and only use their hooves to protect. That speaks to the consciousness of using our energy to protect and not to punish."

The peaceful mammal of the African savanna is a symbol of the organization's core values.
The Center for Nonviolent Communication, founded in 1984 by Dr. Marshall Rosenberg, is a nonprofit organization that conducts trainings and disseminates educational material about how to solve conflicts and communicate with empathy and compassion.

The center, which recently opened its headquarters in Albuquerque, conducts training sessions locally and internationally. It also adds to an existing community of nonviolent communicators that conducts practice groups and teaches these skills statewide.

"The one thing that's coming more clearly to me every day is that people enjoy compassionate giving and receiving," says Rosenberg. "I'm thrilled to see how there seems to be universal interest."

Nonviolent communication, also referred to as the "language of compassion," is often taught through the use of metaphors.

The jackal refers to people who communicate from a dog-eat-dog mentality, deny responsibility and think in terms of right and wrong, good/bad and reward/punishment, according to Manske. People on the receiving end of this type of communication can either be submissive or rebel.
The giraffe represents people who use their big hearts and heightened awareness to connect with others.

According to the Web site cnvc.org, they communicate in four steps: observing what's being said or done that either enriches their lives or not, and articulating that observation without judgment; stating how they feel when they observe the action (scared, joyful, for example); saying what needs are connected to the feeling (for example, connection, understanding); and making a request for how the other person can meet that need.
They also sense and communicate what the other person may be observing, feeling, needing and requesting. Rosenberg says over time this process creates a flow of communication back and forth.

"Feelings and needs ... that's what's alive in people," says Rosenberg. "You can't ever win at somebody else's expense."

Rosenberg, who worked as a clinical psychologist, developed nonviolent communication in the 1960s to help communities working on desegregation issues. Since then, he has taught it worldwide, especially in conflict-ridden areas like the Middle East, Sierra Leone, Rwanda and Northern Ireland.

There are more than 200 certified trainers worldwide and countless practitioners. The center's vision is "a world where all people are getting their needs met and resolving conflict peacefully," according to cnvc.org. And it encourages practitioners to apply nonviolent communication to economics, education, justice, health care and peace-keeping.
Rosenberg says he opened the Albuquerque headquarters because of the city's cultural diversity. "I thought it would be a good location where I hoped people would be more open to the people I'm bringing in (from places like the Middle East)," says Rosenberg.

Manske, 60, first learned about nonviolent communication in 2001. She uses it in her work as a mediator for the courts, with businesses, in schools and with couples. She says the process helps her tune in to what's really going on when people are in conflict. "It allows me to understand the underlying values and build the bridge of connection that enables finding solutions that are mutually satisfying," she says. The "bridge" is acknowledging the universality of feelings and needs, she says.

Everybody experiences sadness, anger, disappointment and other gut feelings. And everybody has needs such as food, shelter, warmth, love, community, self-expression and freedom of choice.

Jacob Gotwals of Albuquerque started practicing nonviolent communication in 2000 and became a certified trainer in 2006. The 39-year-old says it has improved his relationship with others and himself.

"When I can set aside judgmental thinking about the way others are supposed to be, I can see things for what they are ... everybody around me just trying to get their needs met," says Gotwals.

When people first learn nonviolent communication, it can be obvious they're using a prescribed vocabulary, says Gotwals. Some recipients will respond well, but others may be put off. Over time, however, communicators learn to make it a natural part of their lives.
"Basically, people don't know I'm doing anything different," says Gotwals. "And I'm not. It's more about looking at things in a different way. When people can start to see that I'm not going to judge them, and that I care about their needs, that creates a deep sense of trust."

xposted to willowing

nvc instruction guide

Tue, 29 Jan 2008 15:52:40 GMT

a clear and concise intro to the basics of nvc!

some people have asked me for a short and clear overview of what nvc is all about and this seems to be quite clear and concise! :-) sorry, i wanted to cut it, but i'm in richt text mode so that i could copy and past links and it's all inside a table so am having difficulties to cut it.

“nvc instruction guide”

by jiva manske

(Note: Much of the information in this instruction guide draws extensively from the work of Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D. as presented in his book, Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life. We strongly recommend that the best way to learn about Nonviolent Communication is to read the book and use the workbook in combination with this guide, as well as find a group of people with whom to practice these important skills. Throughout each section of this guide you will find references to particular sections from the book or from Lucy Leu’s Nonviolent Communication Companion Workbook. —Jiva Manske)

introduction: nonviolence and nvc

We live in a world in which violence has become more and more accepted as the norm. It’s all around us. From wars between nations to crime on the street, and even imposing on our everyday existence, violence manifests itself both explicitly and implicitly. Yet for many people, the very idea of violence seems foreign. They are not involved in physical confrontations or abuses, and thus they believe that violence is not present. But the reality is that whenever we become disconnected from our compassionate nature, whenever our hearts are not devoid of hatred in all of its forms, we have a tendency to act in ways that can cause pain for everyone in our lives, including ourselves.

Nonviolence, then, does not refer to the mere absence of physical harm. It is a way of life that takes its lead from a compassionate and connected heart, and can guide us toward a more complete and happy way of being. As Mahatma Gandhi said, “Nonviolence is not a garment to be put on and off at will. Its seat is in the heart, and it must be an inseparable part of our very being.” It is a practice rooted in understanding, in living honestly, and in acting empathically with all beings. Of course this starts with the self. We must first understand and act empathically towards ourselves in order to impact the world in wonderful and compassionate ways. This means cultivating nonviolence in every action and being present to our own needs and feelings in each and every moment.

Marshall Rosenberg realized the importance of nonviolence in every day life throughout his childhood and on into his adult and professional life. He understood how nonviolence could affect the world through the individual and through nurturing relationships on a personal level. Because of his experience with clinical psychology, comparative religion, and mediation, he was able to create Nonviolent Communication (NVC) as a very simple model for transforming everyday existence and for practicing nonviolence. His trainings, which began in the 1960’s, eventually grew into an institution, the Center for NVC, which was created in 1984 and which remains a vital resource for a turbulent world.

what is nvc?

(Read Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life, Chapter 1)

NVC is a “language of life” that helps us to transform old patterns of defensiveness and aggressiveness into compassion and empathy and to improve the quality of all of our relationships. Studying and practicing NVC creates a foundation for learning about ourselves and our relationships in every moment, and helps us to remain focused on what is happening right here, right now. Although it is a model for communication, NVC helps us to realize just how important connection is in our lives. In fact, having the intention to connect with ourselves and others is one of the most important goals of practicing and living NVC. We live our lives from moment to moment, yet most of the time we are on autopilot, reacting out of habit rather than out of awareness and presence of mind. By creating a space for attention and respect in every moment, NVC helps create a pathway and a practice that is accessible and approachable.

the model

The basic model for NVC is really quite straightforward and simple. It is a process that combines four components with two parts. While the four components are specific ideas and actions that fit into the form and the model of NVC, the two parts provide a solid foundation for NVC as well as for living nonviolently. They are the basis for Marshall’s ideas of giving and receiving from the heart. These brief definitions will be expounded further in the sections below:

four components

Observation: Observation without evaluation consists of noticing concrete things and actions around us. We learn to distinguish between judgment and what we sense in the present moment, and to simply observe what is there.
Feeling: When we notice things around us, we inevitably experience varying emotions and physical sensations in each particular moment. Here, distinguishing feelings from thoughts is an essential step to the NVC process.
Needs: All individuals have needs and values that sustain and enrich their lives. When those needs are met, we experience comfortable feelings, like happiness or peacefulness, and when they are not, we experience uncomfortable feelings, like frustration. Understanding that we, as well as those around us, have these needs is perhaps the most important step in learning to practice NVC and to live empathically.
Request: To make clear and present requests is crucial to NVC’s transformative mission. When we learn to request concrete actions that can be carried out in the present moment, we begin to find ways to cooperatively and creatively ensure that everyone’s needs are met.

two parts

Empathy: Receiving from the heart creates a means to connect with others and share experiences in a truly life enriching way. Empathy goes beyond compassion, allowing us to put ourselves into another’s shoes to sense the same feelings and understand the same needs; in essence, being open and available to what is alive in others. It also gives us the means to remain present to and aware of our own needs and the needs of others even in extreme situations that are often difficult to handle.
Honesty: Giving from the heart has its root in honesty. Honesty begins with truly understanding ourselves and our own needs, and being in tune with what is alive in us in the present moment. When we learn to give ourselves empathy, we can start to break down the barriers to communication that keep us from connecting with others.

From these four components and two parts, Marshall has created a model for life enriching communication that can be highly effective in solving conflict with our family members, with our friends, with our coworkers, and with ourselves. The basic outline of the model is the following:

When I see that______________
I feel ______________
because my need for ________________ is/is not met.
Would you be willing to __________________?

Keep in mind that this is just a model, and that using this form and this language is not the most important aspect of NVC. In fact, as you practice more and learn more, you’ll begin to notice that all four of these components can be present in the complete absence of the form.

learning and using nvc

Like nonviolence, itself, NVC is a practice that we must constantly pursue and refine. This guide is meant to present NVC in a simple and clear way that is accessible to everybody who is interested in the mission and projects of the Peace Army of Costa Rica. For beginners, we recommend that you work slowly, carefully, and consciously through each chapter, spending a week on each so that you can integrate the information and the model into your being. We recommend that if you are familiar with NVC, it is still important to review the basic ideas of the model now and again, and we have also tried to provide sections on specific situations that come up in everyday life. Yet because this presentation is so simple it is important to use other resources in conjuncture with practice groups and training sessions. The primary resources that you will need for introducing yourself to NVC are the following:

Leu, Lucy. Nonviolent Communication: Companion Workbook. Encinitas, CA: PuddleDancer Press, 2003.

Rosenberg, Marshall. Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life. Encinitas, CA: PuddleDancer Press, 2003.

You can get these resources through The Center for Nonviolent Communication (www.cnvc.org/matls.htm).

Finding or creating a practice group is also important in order to share the experience of learning NVC with others. These are settings in which it is easy to learn from other students, as well as certified trainers, and some trainers offer many different options, depending on familiarity with the concepts and practice of NVC. Click on the link to find an NVC practice group or people in your area.

practice—feeling peace

The Institute of Heartmath has done extensive research to develop a theory that when all of our organs are working together in simultaneous rhythm, our minds and our emotions tend to be more stable. More specifically, when the rhythm of our heart beat remains even, we are able to think more clearly and feel more present in every moment and in every action. This is called entrainment. This is a quick, easy practice that will help you familiarize yourself with entrainment, as well as help you get ready for your study and practice of NVC either by yourself or in a group setting. Remember, you can use this in any situation as a way to focus on the present moment.

Find a quiet, comfortable place to sit, where you will not be disturbed.
Begin by making yourself comfortable and begin to notice your breathing. You can do this with your eyes open or closed. Breathe normally and smoothly, without straining to take deep breaths, and notice how it feels to be present and aware of your body. If your mind begins to wander, gently bring your focus back to your breath.
3. Move your awareness over your body, and notice how you are feeling as you sit. Move through your body, from your toes, up through your legs, to your torso and through your head, and just take stock of how you feel. Focusing on your breath, notice what emotions are present right now.
4. Keeping your focus on your breath, allow yourself to become aware of your heart. As you do this, remember a specific event or a specific person that brings you a sense of appreciation. Allow that feeling of appreciation to wash over your being as you sit. If your mind begins to wander, gently refocus on your breath, and return to your feeling of appreciation.

individual practice

Read Chapter 1 in Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life
Throughout the course of the week, begin to notice how you are feeling, and when your needs are or are not met. Notice when you are acting with empathy and honesty in your relationships with yourself and with others, and begin to see the place for nonviolence in everyday existence.
Consider the need for contribution, which Marshall calls the most important human need of all. Write the word on an index card or piece of paper and put it in a place where you will see it at least twice each day, perhaps on your bathroom mirror. In the morning, connect with your need to contribute and consider how you might enjoy meeting that need during the day. In the evening, before bed, consider how you did or did not meet your need for contribution without self-judgment.
Suggested Practice—Read and do individual assignments in the Companion Workbook, pgs 57-60.
Group Practice—Review Chapter 1 in Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life

Review answers to individual exercises Companion Workbook pgs. 61-64

To read more of this 35-page guide, please download it in one of these formats:
nvc instruction guide in Word (140Kb)
nvc instruction guide as an Adobe pdf (89Kb)

Don't have the Adobe PDF reader? Download it FREE from Adobe.

nvc on youtube

Fri, 25 Jan 2008 15:32:46 GMT

there is a person on youtube, who posts nvc videos of conferences/ workshops in Hawaii (Honululu) on youtube (Jim & Jori are on there too!). He recently added 3 new ones and 1 is on self-empathy which I thought was interesting!

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=dU_UWdapwVI&sdig=1 = the intention to connect (audio isn't great on this one, but the others are better)
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=89CJSGMx2xo&sdig=1 = self empathy exercise
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=YEosF9Be4Ew&sdig=1 = what is nonviolent communication
with Mary Mackenzie and Christa Morf

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=o6hW39WAvx4&feature=related = the 'jiffy lube' empathy process (with Jim & Jori!)
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=_iEQTAZqJCQ&feature=related = staying grounded in conflict (with Jim & Jori)

there is quite a bit more available, if you browse his videos (there are quite a few surfing ones there, but if you click on 'all videos' you should be able to find all the nvc stuff)

his main link is: http://uk.youtube.com/profile?user=duenyen

Call Me By My True Names

Thu, 17 Jan 2008 15:17:52 GMT

Some of you may have read this poem before, I have, and I love it, a lot, so I'm reposting it. :-)

It was recited by Jiva Manske and beautifully 'danced to' in sign language by Catherine Cadden on the NVC IIT:

Call Me by My True Names

Do not say that I'll depart tomorrow
because even today I still arrive.

Look deeply: I arrive in every second
to be a bud on a spring branch,
to be a tiny bird, with wings still fragile,
learning to sing in my new nest,
to be a caterpillar in the heart of a flower,
to be a jewel hiding itself in a stone.

I still arrive, in order to laugh and to cry,
in order to fear and to hope.
The rhythm of my heart is the birth and
death of all that are alive.

I am the mayfly metamorphosing on the surface of the river,
and I am the bird which, when spring comes, arrives in time
to eat the mayfly.

I am the frog swimming happily in the clear pond,
and I am also the grass-snake who, approaching in silence,
feeds itself on the frog.

I am the child in Uganda, all skin and bones,
my legs as thin as bamboo sticks,
and I am the arms merchant, selling deadly weapons to Uganda.

I am the twelve-year-old girl, refugee on a small boat,
who throws herself into the ocean after being raped by a sea
pirate, and I am the pirate, my heart not yet capable of seeing and
loving.

I am a member of the politburo, with plenty of power in my
hands, and I am the man who has to pay his "debt of blood" to,
my people, dying slowly in a forced labor camp.

My joy is like spring, so warm it makes flowers bloom in all
walks of life.

My pain is like a river of tears, so full it fills the four oceans.

Please call me by my true names,
so I can hear all my cries and laughs at once,
so I can see that my joy and pain are one.

Please call me by my true names,
so I can wake up,
and so the door of my heart can be left open,
the door of compassion.

Thich Nhat Hanh
Vietnamese Zen Buddhist monk

Parenting with Nonviolent Communication (NVC)

Tue, 08 Jan 2008 17:05:45 GMT

this is an interesting example of how to parent with nvc.

for info: the jackal represents the type of communication that isn't nvc, the giraffe represents nonviolent communication.

marshall also works with jackal ears on a giraffe and vice versa which is what Inbal Kashtan is doing here a bit too.

:-)

crossposting this to willowing

ps. i'm back in england!!!

:-)

NVC IIT Albuquerque - Day 6

Fri, 21 Dec 2007 01:18:55 GMT

Day 6. 9th Dec 2007

session 1. 10.00am - 12noon
john kinyon: 'nvc & mediation'

this session covered how to mediate (potentially in legal disputes etc or in couple's counseling) using nvc.

john gave us a really clear outline as to how to go about mediating using nvc. i won't go into all the details now because it's a bit much and technical, but highly useful nonetheless.

oh hold on, i will just type this up:

these are the needed mediation skills:

1. translation/ empathy (through our presence and words)

2. requesting reflection (can you let me know/ would you be willing to let me know what you heard me/him/her say?)

3. being able to give 'emergency first aid empathy' (when the person is in too much pain to empathise with the other person).

4. tracking (making sure to remember where you were!)

5. interrupting in giraffe - interrupt with care: 'excuse me, i really want to stay connected to what you're saying' or 'excuse me, are you saying ...'

6. self-empathy (emergency self-empathy)

7. self expression-> honesty of the mediator

8. making clear requests

'we can work it out' by marshall rosenberg = a book on mediation with nvc.

session 2. 1.30am - 3pm
catherine & jiva: 'restorative justice'

when doing restorative justice, what are we restoring?

we are restoring 'heart-connection'.

this was a heartfelt presentation by catherine (who runs her own nvc school, yay!) and jiva (a most inspiring guy!)

some of my notes of the session:

	punitive justice	restorative justice
	punitive justice	restorative justice
equality	procedural	substantive
values	due process/ equal protection safety	equality, community, peace, connection
key actors	authority	people, communities
goals	retribution, deterrence	restoration

author: 'Bernie (or Roshi) Glassman'

session 3. 3.15am - 5pm
barbara: 'nvc dance floors'

well this was an amazing session with a small group of women, i had the privilege to first work on some of my issues and then witness someone else work through her issues.

one of the most amazing things for me to realise during this session was how i was trying to meet my need for safety with a strategy that didn't meet my need for connection, it was an amazing realisation for me, i never quite realised how the one strategy strongly served one need but really didn't serve another. this then helped me to think about a different strategy that might meet both needs. and again, it was all very emotional for me.

another thing that really came out of this session for me was to not 'rush' past the need once you've identified it. barbara was really able to stop me when i was at the need and just really feel them 'alive' in me once i had identified them. i am now starting to think of needs as 'life juice' or that which makes everything 'turn'.

in addition, there was a huge sense of intimacy after i and another lady had shared so much of themselves while doing the dance. i am so blown away by the impact of empathy and the power of honest sharing!

i'm putting more information on the nvc dance floors behind this cut because it's a bit much:

WHAT ARE THE NVC DANCE FLOORS?

The Dance Floors are spatial maps made up of large, color-coded cards laid on the floor in various layouts called ‘dances’. People learning NVC stand up and ‘dance’through the steps of a given process, often with coaching from a trainer or support from another participant. Each dance is designed to help people develop awareness and skills in a particular area of NVC.

The Dance Floors and related support materials were co-created by Bridget Belgrave and Gina Lawrie from England, http://www.GnB.org.uk, both certified trainers with the Center for Nonviolent Communication. They have developed 7 dances; three are designed to practice dialogue, and are done in role play dialogue with another person, and four are inner dances, designed for transformative internal processes.

WHY USE THE DANCE FLOORS?

The purpose of the Dance Floors is to offer people a clear and practical method of learning and practicing NVC. In particular, they help to:

Respect a variety of learning styles, integrating auditory, kinesthetic and visual ways of learning. Visual intelligence is nourished by seeing the text and color of the cards. Body/movement intelligence is nourished by standing and walking through the dance steps. Spatial intelligence is nourished through the layout of the cards. Auditory intelligence is nourished by hearing the dancer’s, the role player’s and the trainer’s words.

Address people’s needs for active and reflective learning. The impulse for action and movement is satisfied by moving around the dance and experimenting with different options. The need for reflection is nourished by watching other participants doing the dance, as well as through group discussion following the dance.

Create a context in which people are likely to learn the key elements of NVC, including how much of the NVC process is inner work, how all the ingredients of the process fit together, and how our inner judging and blaming is an integral part of NVC, rather than something to be dismissed or suppressed.

Witness both inner and outer processes. Through hearing people’s inner process, we gain access to fun, sharing, learning and empathy and are often touched by recognizing how other people’s feelings, needs or judgmental thinking are similar to our own.

Create visual clarity when not using puppets. The Dance Floors offer another way to engage people’s interest, and be lively and conscious when showing the NVC process in role plays.

WHAT ARE THE DANCES?

The seven dances are: 1. Inner-Outer Dance, Stage 1: The 13 Steps

develop awareness of which mode you are in: ‘expressing myself, ‘receiving others’or ‘connecting with myself’;
practice the 4 basic ingredients of NVC’ “ observations, feelings, needs and requests’ “ in each of the three modes;
learn how to transform inner judgments with self-empathy.

2. Inner-Outer Dance, Stage 2: Integration & Connection

continue to practice awareness of which mode you are in;
internalize the ‘observations, feelings and needs’ part of NVC;
practice when and how to express ‘connection requests’ before going on to express an ‘action request’.

3. Inner-Outer Dance, Stage 3: Fluency

get more courageous about asking for what you really want;
hone skills for staying in heart connection;
learn how to receive another person’s ‘connection requests’;
weave all this into a fluent NVC dialogue.

4. Self-Empathy Dance

take self-empathy deeper than on the inner-outer dances;
discover the beauty of fully experiencing what is alive within you;
open your creativity to the full range of ways to meet your needs.

5. Anger Dance

practice the inner process of transforming anger into life-connected information;
integrate this inner process into a dialogue;
practice receiving others empathically after expressing unmet needs;
use this dance also to transform guilt, shame and depression.

6. Educator/Chooser Dance

practice an inner process that helps you mourn, learn and grow when you are not satisfied with your actions;
do some in-depth preparation for forgiveness and reconciliation work.

7. Yes/No Dance

practice resolving inner conflict;
see the beauty in both options in a decision, and stay open to a solution that meets the needs behind both options;
experience the difference between a forced ‘either/or’ decision, and an integrated, emergent ‘both/and’ choice.

WHAT ARE PEOPLE SAYING ABOUT NVC DANCE FLOORS?

The Dance Floors have been greeted with great enthusiasm by many NVC trainers and facilitators around the world.

"Participants express deep wonder and gratitude about how much depth and clarity the work on the NVC Dance Floor gives to them." -- Gitte Brandenburg Carlsen, Denmark

"Dancing on the dance floors is the exercise that I enjoy the most. While doing this dance I find it very easy to connect with my inner feelings and needs. As I move up and down the Dance Floor I can see the inner transformation taking place at every step. This tool helps me, not only to practice NVC but to 'LIVE' NVC. I must say that it has transformed my life. I am grateful to Bridget and Gina for coming out with such a beautiful technique....Keep dancing!" -- Aniruddha Gadankush, India

"I am realizing how different my understanding of NVC is and my way of sharing it with others since attending an NVC Dance Floor workshop over a year ago. It has been a huge gift for me. I continue to be amazed at the ease in which people move to great depth (really getting in touch with self) while using this process. And it gets you up and out of your seat! I use this in most all my trainings and am so thankful to have a more physical way to offer NVC. " -- Cathy Artukovich, Hawaii, USA

from site: http://en.nvcwiki.com/index.php/NVC_Dance_Floors

ok then in the evening i watched: 'earthlings' a horrific film about the bio industry and how we treat (read: abuse & slaughter in inhumane ways) the animals on our earth. this film (similar to many of the other abattoir type films i've seen before but this one went into much more depth), shocked me to my core and has made me decide to stop eating fish (i haven't eating meat in 15 years now) and has truly moved me to take more conscious action about the food, clothing and objects i buy/ consume.

i do not want anything i do to contribute to the suffering of those animals. i only want to buy and eat organic/ vegan from now on.

this film was truly the saddest thing i have ever seen in my life.

it also made me incredibly angry which meant i had more issues to work with (yay!) the next day!

i just found out you can watch the whole film on youtube: warning: it's truly one of the most disturbing films i've ever seen, and i cannot be a part of this:

NVC IIT Albuquerque - Day 5

Fri, 21 Dec 2007 00:35:55 GMT

NVC IIT Albuquerque - Day 5 (day 4 was a day off)
Day 5. 8th Dec 2007

session 1. 10.00am - 12noon
marshall rosenberg: 'healing'

this was a session wherein marshall and valentina did some amazing combined healing on a participant who had agreed to be worked with/on beforehand. the type of healing that is done in a session like this is usually related to trauma induced by someone else. so if someone has undergone great trauma due to violent actions of someone else, marshall role plays the formerly violent person while valentina does some hands on healing.

marshall started the session by talking about 'the myth of mental illness' (note: in 1961, Rosenberg received his Ph.D. in clinical psychology from the University of Wisconsin-Madison and in 1966 was awarded Diplomate status in clinical psychology from the American Board of Examiners in Professional Psychology.), marshall claims that there is no such thing as mental illness (apart from a few neurological ones like schizophrenia), he speaks of the scientific & political dangers of thinking that there is mental illness.

he recommends the books: 'the myth of mental illness' by thomas szasz

&

'legacy of the heart' by wayne muller

he continues talking about how the medical & pharmaceutical companies perpetuate the believe that there is such a thing as mental illness, obviously for their own benefit/ profit.

he also urges us to read an article by martha rosenberg (no relation); "The Many Faces of Big Pharma's Disease Mongering".

there have been several studies done on people who had supposedly 'mental illnesses' wherein they had half of the group be 'treated' by qualified psychologists/ psychiatrists and the other half of the group be treated by people who had no such qualifications. i can't remember now what he said the outcome was, but it was either: the layman's group recovered more quickly and profoundly or at least; both groups had the same outcome. either way, there was no correlation between psychological treatments and healing.

instead, he argues, it is honesty & empathy which appears to correlate to healing. and healing = learning other ways of being conscious and getting our needs met.

anyway, he then did an amazing session with one of the participants who is a vietnam vet and has great, huge pain around war. he broke down in tears and it was such an honour to be in the presence of his pain like that.

session 2. 1.30pm - 3pm
jim & jori: 'dealing with the domination structure (despair circle)'

ok, something i hadn't mentioned yet, was that during the 'celebration' time two days before someone had brought up some issue which i took very personally (won't go into this now). it wasn't at all intended to be taken personally, but me being me took it personally and so for 2 days i was walking around calling myself names and feeling so incredibly bad about just even existing. like, i just felt that i was in everyone's face and wanting to be the center of attention all the time and really didn't know what to do this with this within myself, and then comes this session.

the beautiful thing about this session was that we did a despair circle, which is basically where we all sit in a circle (duh) and express what is 'alive in us' with regards to our despair. and the despair can be around the violence that is in the world, or it can be more related to your own personal stuff. the other people, while you express, are just meant to listen and give empathy.

i had two pieces of despair:

1. my despair around the feeling that i've been programmed faultily (is that even a word?) and that it will be impossible to unprogram, because my programming has been so persistent and severe.

2. my despair around my incredible ability to feel so very inferior to other people.

so when it was my turn i cried and cried while expressing this.

and everyone else did the same.

and then, suddenly something clicked for me when jim said; ok we're going round the circle again now, and you can say something, express yourself, or don't say anything at all, feel free to meet your need for autonomy as you see it fit. and this clicked something in me because the issue that had been brought up before was all around choosing how you share yourself with others, and for jim to say that in such a way freed up something in me. something that was terrible blocked; unblocked.

8-)

and the rest of the day i decided to take some time off, as it was all a bit much! :)

NVC IIT Albuquerque - Day 3

Sat, 08 Dec 2007 00:56:13 GMT

Day 3. 6th Dec 2007

session 1. 10.00am - 12noon
marshall rosenberg: 'the dynamics of empathy'

this was again another variation of 'focusing on what is ALIVE in another person'.

some quotes from the session:

'anything worth doing, is worth doing poorly'

'each moment is like a newborn child'

'put your attention on what is alive NOW'

the difference between empathy and understanding = empathy = focusing from the heart on what is alive in another person's heart, while understanding is the intellectual/ mind understanding of what is going on for another person.

'empathy can be given without words and is often more powerful without words, is the listening from the heart'

'we use words for confirming what we're hearing'

dynamics of empathy:

1) presence
2) be here-now
3) focus on what's alive (feelings and needs)
4) use words for confirmation
5) stay with the other person until complete expression
6) clarify 'post empathy' request

and yet another amazing thing happened for me. i asked marshall how you deal with people who are extremely verbally violent with a real intention of 'hurting' you (or me). (i was thinking of a fairly abusive relationship i've had in the past with a woman who suffered severely from bulimia and could be very aggressive verbally). i really have tried to help her for 3.5 years and was very much emotionally affected by the whole experience and have really despaired over her suffering in the past.

again marshall offered to role play and hit the nail on the head again. i told him she used to say to me: 'you're so holier than thou and you always think you know everything so much better than other people'. this used to really hurt me because i was always only trying to help her so incredibly much and felt so hurt by her comments. so marshall first said that in that situation he'd need a whole load of empathy and self empathy first before i could hear what her need was when she said that. and then he sang a song called: 'see me beautiful'. and that just floored me because 1) i hadn't told the group anything about her having been bulimic 2) i had not in any way referred to body image or physical appearance. so the fact that he came out with that song being her need for being seen as beautiful (not just physically but in every way) was absolutely mind blowing. again, i cried.

session 2. 1.30pm - 3pm
robert gonzalez: 'transforming core jackal beliefs'
i jumped in a bit too late on this session, but there was a very powerful role play with one of the members of the group which was about accessing the need, and feeling the need behind your jackal beliefs (which are negative beliefs about the self) and really basking in the energy of the need. (there is much more to it than that, but i missed a bit of the session).

oh, i do have some incredible quotes from robert's session:

'beliefs are distorted notions of reality'

'there is a difference between a thought about reality and what reality actually is (beliefs are constructs)'

'words are cognitive structures and they are empty structures until they are filled with meaning'

'the mind is an empty structure, we perceive ourselves to be the mind, the mind can never source real life, so there is a continuous sense of seeking that can never be fulfilled'

'the meaning can not be found in the mind, the meaning can be found in the needs which we also call 'life reaching for life''

session 3. 3.15pm - 5pm
barbara & doug: 'street giraffe'

this session was all about using language that is more natural than the classical nvc language. this so you can connect with people who'd be 'weirded' out by classical nvc language.

one of the biggest realisations i had during this session was how my mind sits in the way of my heart/ feelings. ie: i always want to rationalise and intellectualise everything, while if you focus on what is truly 'alive' in you, that is really present in your heart, the mind is not necessary, or rather, the mind serves the feelings rather than the other way around. and i had a precious moment where i could really feel this and realised how much easier it is to just express what is alive in me rather than intellectually trying to understand what is going on.

from 5 to 6 we have a circle type like time which is where all the trainers and participants get together and do 'celebrations or mournings' where people basically talk to the group about what was happening for them during the days. it came up during that time that some people felt excluded from contributing or expressing their voice during this time because it was always certain people who were faster to get to the mic. i felt really bad about that because i am one of those people who is really eager to talk and share and so i do run for the mic when i can. this threw me in a total jackal crisis wherein i was blaming myself and i was feeling extremely sad about it all feeling that 'i'm always in everyone's face and am needy and greedy for attention' etc etc.

so in the evening i was feeling pretty lousy and then went to session 4;

session 4. 7.30pm - 9pm
robert gonzalez: 'the living beauty of needs'
this was mostly about the significance, importance and beauty of needs. i liked his analogy when he described a need as a plant that when nurtured reaches for the rays of the sun. it is: life reaching for life.

during his session i had a need/ empathy session with jb (who's also on lj i found out!!) which made me feel a lot lighter and a lot of the jackals disappeared later on. but when i was back in the room with andy, i was brought up this idea around wanting other people to meet your needs all the time. this i experience as parasitic. i feel that i either don't ask people to contribute to my needs at all, OR i want to suck dry everything in them.

this idea made me very sad again, and so i'm now at the point where i want to discuss this notion of "parasitic need-meeting" and how one goes about finding ways to meet needs without being a parasite. i know that robert's answer to this is by connecting to the alive NEUTRAL need inside of you, but i'm still fairly confused about that concept.

NVC IIT Albuquerque - Day 2

Fri, 07 Dec 2007 23:39:41 GMT

today is our 'day off' and i'm just recovering from another 2 intense and intensive days of talking about empathy, experiencing deep compassion, understanding the innate beauty of needs and doing 'scary honesty'.

i am grateful for this day, because i really want to document all that i'm experiencing and learning. and my am i learning a lot.

the way i want to document my experiences from now on will be by listing the sessions i've attended, what the main purpose of the session was and what my main, significant learning was.

so, here we go.

day 2. 5th dec 2007

session 1. 10.00am - 12noon
marshall rosenberg: 'scary honesty'
the main purpose of this session was to learn how to express something 'scary' while creating a connection that facilitates compassionate giving and receiving.

*one of the things i found quite significant and tallies in with Sartre's existentialism (a bit) is that you can never hurt anyone's feelings (verbally). it isn't possible to hurt someone's feelings, as it is *their* choice, *their way of thinking about what you just did* that makes them feel that way. it *is* however possible that your behaviour may not contribute to have a need of theirs met and *that* may cause them to feel a certain way.

*anger/ depression/ fear or shame are signs of an unmet need within you. the first step in this scenario is usually to give yourself empathy.

*marshall often talks about 'never hearing what people think about you', instead hear the unmet need. in other words if someone says to you: 'i hate you, you're awful' try NOT to hear the insult, do NOT make it about YOU, instead, KNOW that this is a tragic expression of an unmet need within the person and try to connect with that unmet need. now don't get me wrong! if the insult has caused for an unmet need within YOU then it may need to be that you yourself first need self-empathy or empathy from others FIRST, so it may need to be that you take a time out before trying to connect with the need of the person who 'insulted' you.

anyway, one of the most significant experiences for me in that session was when i worked with a lady who i had judged as aggressive before. but in an exercise i was really trying to connect with her needs and it suddenly hit me that she has so much anger in her because she had a HUGE need to be seen and heard and a huge need for empathy. when i figured that out, i suddenly found her much less threatening and i was able to help her meet those needs for a while. she now keeps smiling at me and thanked me profusely for listening to her.

session 2. 1.30pm - 3pm
barbara & doug: 'the giraffe slow dance' (to clarify: in nvc, people refer to 'giraffe language' as being the language of nvc because the giraffe is the animal with the largest heart (26 pounds), and they refer to jackal language when they talk about violent language).

this session was about slowing down the four main nvc steps and really looking at how you dance back and forth between all the steps (observation, feelings, needs, requests).

the most significant observation for me in this session was that i find it extremely difficult to do any nvc, or any THING for that matter when i'm in 'emotional hijack'. what i mean by that is: if someone 'attacks' me verbally, i am so emotionally overwhelmed by that, that my fight or flight response is a complete freeze. the freeze completely incapacitates me and there is no way for me to enter into an nvc process or any other process for that matter at all. this is highly frustrating because during times when i'm trying to explain nvc and i feel threatened, nothing of coherence actually comes out of my mouth, it sounds all garbled and all my credibility is gone.

we talked a bit about how to deal with this and apparently doug is doing another session on it. but mostly it seems that the 'remedy' for this is self empathy and practice.

session 3. 3.15pm - 5pm
marshall rosenberg: 'scary honesty part II'
this session was a continuation of the morning session and was meant to have marshall work with people on particular issues. nearer to the end one of the most profound experiences happened for me:

several people had worked with marshall on their issues, and most of these examples had been with/ about people's issues with other people, but i'd been walking around with my inner conflicts and asked marshall if he could play my 'alter ego' (marshall role plays the person you have conflict with or he roleplays you and you play the person you have conflict with). i told him about my inner conflict of wanting to live 'healthily' which would include healthy eating and exercising, but another part of me wants to lie around in bed all day and eat chocolate (this is the bane of my existence). so marshall has these giraffe and jackal puppets which he role plays with. and so he asked me what i want to call my ego that wants to lie in bed all day and eat and i said call him 'chocolate'. so it was so funny because he called him 'choc' with his strong american accent (ok, for you americans the american accent isn't relevant, but it added a whole dimension for me hee). and the first thing he said to me was that 'choc' has a need for 'AUTONOMY'. choc wants to eat and do nothing all day because the other part of me is saying 'i should, should' and 'you shouldn't' etc.

and then he had this dialog between me (tam) and me (choc - which was the jackal puppet) in nvc language and talking to the 'choc' part how meeting our need for health is also very important and that it wouldn't mean that our need for autonomy would be taken away etc.

anyway, to see him do that with such care and intensity and passion had me just in tears. i couldn't believe that this incredible man was so quickly in tune with what was going on inside of me while i've been trying for years to figure out why i have this 'self destructive' behaviour.

and the other reason why it was so incredible is because the need for autonomy made complete sense; when i was about 8 or so, my parents put me on a stringent diet. my dad would say to me in the morning: 'this is what you will eat today' and then during the day i'd always eat more than he had 'instructed' me to. when he came home in the eves he'd ask: 'what did you eat' and i'd just list the things that he said i was supposed to eat out of extreme fear of his anger and so i'd just be lying all the time. and this was extremely traumatising for me. this went on for quite some time until i had a breakdown around it and my parents stopped doing it, but i think this need for autonomy really directly connects to experiences like that around my parents and it was just amazing to have marshall do this role play around it.

NVC course - Albuquerque New Mexico - Day 1

Wed, 05 Dec 2007 13:27:41 GMT

my first day on the NVC course was amazing & incredible.

for me, it didn't start off being amazing and incredible though; it started with feeling the usual isolation and disconnect that i often feel when i join a large group of people in any scenario. my conditioned programming has a very strong defense mechanism around this; as soon as the group's behaviour deviates even just a minute inkling of my own behaviour, my system's alarm goes off and says: 'stay away, you don't belong, you don't relate to them and they will consequently reject you, so better you run away first before they reject you'.

after the first morning's session of 'remembering' (which is where all the trainers and all 56 course participants get together and share some feelings and thoughts), i felt deeply, utterly alone (even though andy was there, imagine that!). the reason for this was that marshall rosenberg (one of me all time heroes, i've been quite star-struck let me tell you) performed an nvc-related song which in my opinion was 'alright' and i think marshall has a beautiful voice and stuff, but it didn't move heaven and earth for me or anything, but a lot of other people were having these deeply profound experiences listening to the song and told us so afterwards. so you see, a simple thing like that, threw me into complete feelings of thinking that 'i didn't belong'. (why were they so deeply moved by the song, and i thought it was 'alright'?)

anyway, so i was feeling pretty weird and sad and alone, but then we went straight into the next session. they use an 'open plan' style of running the conference, which means that there are several sessions going on in several rooms and you can choose where to go. andy and i chose to go to a session with jori manske who is this incredible charismatic lady, full of empathy, love and care. i felt a connection with her from the start. her session was about 'getting grounded in the course' through the main for elements of nvc: observations, feelings, needs and request.

because marshall was also running a session and most people want to be in his session, our group was fairly small; we had about 14 people or so which was scary at first, but turned out to be really wonderful because we received a lot of personal attention that way.

so jori started the session by asking us to do some breathing and closing our eyes and observing what was going on inside. but, and because i'd been feeling so alone already earlier, i started crying mostly from the word go.

so of course, initially i was feeling embarrassed about me being the one to cry like a maniac, but i have been known to do that before (on tori amos concerts for instance; when i go to see her, all i do is cry and don't know why, i'm just tuned in into something that creates such emotion in me and so all i can do is give in to that...). we then were asked to describe what was going on for each of us and found out that many more people were struggling with feelings of 'being alone'. this is intellectually and on a mind level not a surprise to me as i know that everyone has the same needs and even though i project onto them that they are 'all getting on', this is usually merely my projection, on an emotional level, however, it was a surprise, because i had just been feeling so 'me' against 'them', 'i'm different, not good enough, strange, unusual and will be rejected' that it was really, emotionally, a surprise that so many of them were feeling similarly.

then, we were asked to split up into pairs and do some empathy work. now, i have to say that before yesterday, i understood the value of empathy and compassion, but never really to the extent that i experienced its power yesterday.

in our pairs, one was supposed to listen, without talking and the other just talked. the listener was asked to identify needs and write them down while listening and later on to give feedback. i worked with a guy called james. and this one-on-one with him was such a precious, transformative experience. to have someone really listen without giving advice or commenting, and then in return to listen to someone and let them truly express without interrupting was an incredible experience for me.

after this session i felt so much lighter and connected to/ accepted by the group. it was remarkable what a deep sharing of feelings and needs did for the connection we had with each other.

i haven't really spoken enough about jori yet, but she was just amazing, problem is she was so loving and caring that it just made me cry all the time. don't know if you know that feeling when someone is so kind that it makes you cry? afterwards i had some more chats with her as well and felt very supported and loved.

anyway, that morning session really set the tone of the day for me.

the session afterwards was with a guy called john who talked us through the spirituality of the main for elements (observation, feelings, needs, requests or OFNR) which was also really interesting because i had a kind of breakthrough around an issue i had around my dad.

and then in the afternoon andy and i saw 'the man' himself in action (marshall rosenberg) who mainly talked about how to deal with anger and how to give empathy. and how when you are angry, the first step to resolving the conflict is to give empathy to the self. it isn't possible to empathise with the person who has done something that made you angry before you've empathised with yourself.

and that was also a kind of breakthrough to me because i heard two days ago about this woman in saudi-arabia who'd been gang-raped by a group of men and then was thrown in prison for it rather than the men. i was just so incredibly upset about this and was trying to talk to andy about how to view this in an nvc way. because my initial response was just one of: these men must be strangled with their own testicles sort of thing. i felt so much anger towards them and so much sadness.

and then i was trying to do the thing of figuring out what needs the men were meeting by doing that. and i just couldn't, didn't want to, the whole thing just made me want to punch people.

and the reason why i was not able to do that yet, was because i hadn't been giving myself enough self-empathy around this, nor had i asked empathy from others around this subject. the idea is that if you are not able yet to look at the needs of those who have made you angry (BTW, let me STIPULATE, that by determining the needs behind people's actions is IN NO WAY TRYING TO JUSTIFY their actions!), you first need to continue asking for empathy and giving yourself empathy.

empathy and self-empathy are an incredibly important element in nvc. one element that i took a little bit for granted or underestimated the value of.

then in the evening andy and i had a wonderful conversation with 4 other members of the course, and it was just so great connecting this way.

i can't really express in words, how transformative this process is. i've only had one day of living nvc intensely, i can't wait for the other 9 days. my god.

Morality, non-judgement, non violent communication - the nature thereof.

Fri, 02 Nov 2007 10:29:09 GMT

Hugh and I have known each other for years and often end up discussing philosophy such as morality (is it absolute or relative?), existentialism versus behaviourism or the nature of zen and now that I'm studying nonviolent communication, we discuss that too.

One of the difficulties I was having was to actually have the conversation IN nvc. A lot of the time it felt like we were both 'stuck in the old paradigm (right wrong paradigm)' and each was just trying to 'win' the argument, which just doesn't seem very helpful and that way of communicating isn't very nvc.

If one assumes that when you operate/ think and live in the nvc model/ paradigm you move away from judgement and you move towards sharing your feelings and needs and express empathy for self and others, then how does one have an "intellectual", factual conversation wherein you're trying to explain nvc to someone who thinks in the 'right wrong' paradigm? Do you explain it from THAT paradigm, or do you explain it while being IN nvc? (ie: If I'm trying to explain the workings of nvc, but the other person keeps trying to find 'fault' with it and wants to hear 'fact' and 'truth' as a way to be convinced of the method, it's really difficult to maintain the nvc language. Instead I feel myself trying to 'defend' nvc, which is really still being in the 'right wrong paradigm' and is completely off the point of nvc. Ha).

But I suppose it's up to me what paradigm I step into when having the conversation. I can either remain in paradigm 1 (right-wrong) and converse from that perspective, or I can be in paradigm 2 (nvc) and converse from that perspective. The benefit of nr 1 is that it is a trusted mechanism for the person who is listening (so does not induce fear), but it perpetuates the old model, I'm not actually demonstrating nvc there. The benefit of nr 2 is that I am demonstrating and living nvc while explaining the concept of it as well, the downside is that it may induce fear or confusion and consequently resistance to nvc (although in true nvc, I would connect with the fear and confusion, respond with empathy to it and hopefully 'transform' some of the fear and therefore clearing the resistance, but it depends on the person how easily that is done I suppose).

Mh. Will ponder more on that.

Anyway, I was explaining to Hugh that one of nvc's assumptions is that judgement of people's actions (or of the people themselves) sits in the way of peace and indeed can cause for more conflict to arise. Hence, people who practise nvc aim NOT to judge people.

Quote Wiki: "Those who use Nonviolent Communication (also called "Compassionate Communication") describe all actions as motivated by an attempt to get human needs met. However, in meeting those needs, they seek to avoid the use of fear, guilt, shame, blame, coercion or threats. The ideal of NVC is to get one's own needs met while also meeting others' needs. A key principle of Nonviolent Communication that supports this is the capacity to express oneself without use of good/bad, right/wrong judgment, hence the emphasis on expressing feelings and needs, instead of criticisms or judgments."

As it says in the quote: nvc assumes that all actions are driven by people attempting to meet their human needs. In nvc terminology, needs refer to things such as: the need for shelter, safety, connection, love, expression, autonomy, honesty, purpose etc. A comprehensive needs list can be found here.

So human needs in themselves are neither 'right' nor 'wrong' they just are. These needs are universal and everyone has these needs. How someone chooses to meet these needs, however, can be considered: violent, or non-violent. When someone meets their own need in such a way that it clashes with someone's else's need it is considered violent. If someone meets their needs in a way that also meets other people's needs it's considered nonviolent.

The ideal of nvc would be for those people who are in conflict to connect compassionately with each other through sharing feelings and needs and help each other find different strategies to meeting their needs.

So I was explaining to Hugh that in the nvc model there is no such thing as 'right or wrong'. Instead you would use the terms: violent or non-violent, but in addition, the model of nvc is much more a fluid, 3 dimensional process than the 2 dimensional right/ wrong, black/white paradigm. It isn't goal oriented as such either, instead it is all about process and transformation rather than outcome based.

Hugh, however feels that philosophically, some things are just right or wrong and he was saying that for me to use language like violent or nonviolent was just semantics. He feels that nvc is just rephrasing/ rewording language but actually meaning the same thing.

When you initially encounter nvc, it can indeed seem like a simple rephrasing of our current system, and what could be the point of merely using different words to do the same thing?

Well, it seems to me that the way nvc has reframed the language seems to allow for a much more 3 dimensional space of communication. Within the right /wrong - win/lose paradigm a conflict or argument can often look like a tennis match, it's just bouncing the ball back of blame and judgement. Let's see who wins. While when two people use nvc, it looks more like ballroom dancing; people are in touch and in tune with each other's feelings, needs and movements. It is fluid and transforms from one thing into another without the 'outcome' of a winner. There is no winner, or loser, there is merely a dance between two people who by the end of the dance have transformed whatever the conflict was.

While I can understand that it seems like that: right/ wrong or violent/ nonviolent could effectively mean the same thing and still appears to be judgment, when using nvc and using terminology like violent/ nonviolent it would coincide with language that is devoid of other judgments and blame. Instead the language would be filled with feelings, needs, observations and requests.

To me, morality and the judicial system are constructs; what is right and wrong now, wasn't right and wrong in the past. What is right and wrong in the West, isn't necessarily right and wrong in the East. To me, morality is neither here nor there, as it changes and evolves depending on who rules the country, I suppose.

To use morality as a way to live life seems not conducive to harmonious living to me. It serves to squeeze people into boxes and to make sure that they are 'doing the right thing' (whatever that may be at that point in time), but does it meet everyone's needs?

I think as long as the question on everyone's minds is: 'are everyone's needs met?' and if everyone strives to help each other have their own and others' needs met, we'd be closer to a situation in which harmonious living is possible.

Anyway, I am now just rambling on from one thing to the next, and there was much more to my conversation with Hugh, but I can't remember it all now.

One last thing I wanted to write about and that was, Hugh asked me if I thought there was ever such a thing as a 'justified war'. And I have to say that in an ideal nvc world I'd say 'no', but I feel that certain situations like WWII when Hitler killed so many jews, I'd say that in that scenario, the war was justified, HOWEVER, I feel that by introducing nvc NOW and by practising nvc everywhere and as much as possible, situations like WWII would be prevented. And, I do think that if Hitler had been surrounded by people who spoke/ lived nvc, that whole thing could've gone very differently.

I consider situations like WWII and current wars/ oppression a symptom of the current black/ white - right/wrong paradigm. I know this is a slightly simplistic statement, but if there was no such paradigm, there wouldn't be such wars. I truly feel that nvc can help create a paradigm shift towards more harmony in the world.