Welcome to Sword of Truth: Books in a Minute! [08 Feb 2005|01:59pm] callmesquanky Are you sick and tired of having to re-read the Sword of Truth books EVERY time a new one comes out? Are you just too lazy to read all of the books altogether? Fear not! Read the handy-dandy one-minute synopsis for the book of your choice and you'll be up to speed in no time! Wizard's First Rule Stone of Tears Blood of the Fold Temple of the Winds Soul of the Fire Faith of the Fallen The Pillars of Creation Naked Empire Chainfire Thank you and have a lovely day.

Faith of the Fallen [08 Feb 2005|01:44pm] callmesquanky Richard has brought Kahlan to the Hartland Woods in order for her to recover from the senseless beating she received from the last book in the series. Nicci: HAHAHA! I'm here to kidnap Richard and take him to a nice Communist utopia in the Old World, so that Terry can recycle the Stone of Tears plot once again! Inhabitants of Altur'Rang: We are so unhappy because we secretly think Communism is bad. Victor Cascella: Here, have some lardo! Richard: Look at these poor unfortunate souls! I'm going to make them a statue so that they will revolt against the evil that is the Imperial Order. He does. Meanwhile, in D'Hara... General Meiffert: Oh, Cara! Cara: Oh, Benjamin! Verna: Oh my God, they killed Warren! You bastards! Kahlan somehow makes her way to Altur'Rang and reunites with Richard just as he unveils his statue. The inhabitants of the former Communist utopia start a revolution and live happily ever after.

Temple of the Winds [08 Feb 2005|01:25pm] callmesquanky Nadine: Hi, I'm Richard's psycho ex-girlfriend from Westland! Drefan: Hi, I'm Richard's psycho serial killer brother from who-knows-where! Richard: Oh no! Emperor Jagang has let loose a horrific plague that is killing everyone as we speak! We have to get into the Temple of the Winds and stop this horrible catastrophe! Raina: I love you, Berdine. Berdine: I love you, Raina. Raina dies. Legate Rishi and Cara: (in unison) To stop the plague, Richard must marry Nadine and Kahlan must marry Drefan. They get married. Legate Rishi and Cara: (again, in unison) Now you must consummate your marriage. Kahlan: But I'm having my period! They consummate their marriage regardless. Kahlan somehow betrays Richard in the process, and Richard skulks off into the Temple of the Winds. There, he becomes very, very wise, but is forced to give up this wisdom in order to stop the plague. Richard: I forgive you, Kahlan. Kahlan: I forgive you, Richard. They get married and live happily ever after... at least until the next book.

The Pillars of Creation [08 Feb 2005|10:50am] callmesquanky Jennsen: Help! I'm being chased by Lord Rahl! Betty (Jennsen's pet goat): Baaa! Sebastian: Hi, I'm Sebastian. Jagang the Just will save you from Lord Rahl! Come join the Imperial Order with me! They have sex. Oba: Hi, I'm a serial killer. *pops off a chicken's head* Well, wasn't that just something? Finally, at the very, very end of the book, we get to see Richard and Friends in order to remind us that yes, this IS a Sword of Truth book. Richard: *pets Betty* See, Jennsen, I'm not that bad after all. Betty: Baaa!

Stone of Tears [08 Feb 2005|10:20am] callmesquanky Richard: Ouch! As a result of events from the last book, I now have horrible headaches! Sister Grace: Want to get rid of your headaches? Then come study for hundreds of years in the Palace of the Prophets! All you have to do is put on this collar! Richard: I think I'll pass. I had a bad experience with a collar once. Sister Grace dies. Sister Elizabeth: Are you SURE you don't want to study at the Palace of the Prophets? It's only a collar away. Richard: No! I will NOT wear a collar again! Sister Elizabeth dies. Sister Verna: Richard, you know that if you refuse my offer to study at the Palace of the Prophets, I will die! Kahlan: RICHARD! PUT ON THAT COLLAR OR I WILL BRING BACK HORRIBLE MEMORIES OF YOUR LITTLE BDSM EPISODE WITH DENNA! Richard puts on the collar. Sister Verna takes him away to the Palace of the Prophets, where he inevitably touches the hearts of everyone he meets. Of course, he eventually escapes, cleans up the mess left behind from the Boxes of Orden in the last book, and makes his way back to Aydindril to find Kahlan. Richard: Oh no! Kahlan is dead! Denna: No she isn't! Follow me. Richard: Wait a minute, aren't you supposed to be dead? Richard and Kahlan find themselves in that place between the worlds. They have sex. Chandalen: Wait! Before this book ends, there is one question that has to be resolved... ...How do you say "breasts" in your tongue? I wish to tell Jebra that she has such fine breasts!

Wizard's First Rule [08 Feb 2005|10:03am] callmesquanky Richard: Oh no! I've been bitten by a snake vine! Kahlan: Help! Darken Rahl is going to open the Boxes of Orden and take over the world! Richard: Gee, you're pretty. Kahlan: Don't touch me. I have obligations. Zedd: I now name you Seeker. *hands Richard a sword* Richard: What in the name of everything good is a Seeker? Meanwhile, in D'Hara... Darken Rahl: I'm Darken Rahl. I like to use little boys to help me travel into the Underworld. Demmin Nass: I'm Demmin Nass. I like to use little boys to, well, you know... Insert passionate love scene involving Richard, Kahlan, and an apple here. Denna: Hi, I'm a Mord-Sith. I'm going to take Richard away for a little bit of BDSM. Kahlan: NOOOOO!!! *goes into the Con Dar and chops off Demmin Nass' balls* Rachel: This is the bestest book ever! Richard eventually escapes, kills Darken Rahl, and everyone lives happily ever after... or do they?

Blood of the Fold [08 Feb 2005|08:22am] callmesquanky Mord-Sith: Hi Richard! We're here to be your personal bodyguards. One of them dies. Mord-Sith: Oh well, that one was a dud. Tobias Brogan and Lunetta: We be cutting off people's nipples and turning them evil. We also be talking real funny. Richard: Berdine, you seem rather evil today. Let me put my hands over your breasts to make sure that your nipple is still there. It isn't. Richard magically makes it grow back. Berdine: I'm Lord Rahl's favourite! Yippee! Richard: Let's go explore the Wizard's Keep. Berdine, since you're my favourite, you can come with me. Cara and Raina: Aww... They explore the Wizard's Keep. Berdine: I'm gay. Richard: That's okay. Finally, at the end of the book, Richard is reunited with Kahlan for the first time since Stone of Tears. Berdine: Lord Rahl has very big hands. They fit perfectly over my breasts. Kahlan: Well, my breasts aren't as big as yours, Berdine. I think Raina's hands would fit mine better. Cara: I like her, Lord Rahl. You may keep her.

Soul of the Fire [07 Feb 2005|11:24pm] callmesquanky Richard and Kahlan are on their honeymoon. Richard: Look! It's a chicken that isn't a chicken! That means that thing I did to save my life in the last book is actually going to erase magic from the world forever! We have to go to Anderith! Kahlan: Oh no! That magic birth control necklace that Shota gave me didn't work! I'm pregnant! Looks like we're going to have that male confessor child after all... Meanwhile, in Anderith... Bertrand and Hildemara Chanboor: Just in case you didn't notice, we're supposed to represent Bill and Hillary Clinton. Now, excuse us while Terry uses the citizens of Anderith to complain about the current state of the US of A. Terry complains about politics for awhile. Eventually, the story goes back to Richard and Kahlan. Richard: There, I think I've fixed things. Kahlan: Oh no, I'm going to be beaten senselessly by evil brutes! *gets beaten senselessly by evil brutes, losing baby in the process*

Chainfire [07 Feb 2005|11:12pm] callmesquanky Richard: I have to find Kahlan! Cara: Who's Kahlan? Nicci: Yeah, who's Kahlan? Shape-shifting Thing: Hi, I'm the new villain in this story, here to replace that silly dolt from the last book. Richard will NEVER be able to defeat me because I'm unpredictable. Mwahahahaha! The Thing attempts to kill Cara. Richard saves Cara's life. Big surprise. Cara: Nicci, I think I'm in love with Lord Rahl. Nicci: Me too. Cara: Since I've already got a hot soldier boyfriend, why don't we set you up with him? Richard: You IDIOTS! I'm married to KAHLAN! Nicci: Oh, shut up, Richard. Kahlan's just a figment of your imagination. Richard: I'll prove it to you! Let's go visit Shota! They visit Shota. Shota: Here, give me the Sword of Truth, and I shall help you. Richard gives Shota the sword, and Shota tells Richard the title of this book. Richard: Chainfire... I'm going to find Zedd. Maybe he can help me. He finds Zedd. Richard: Zedd, do you know who Kahlan Amnell is? Zedd: The Mother Confessor? She's dead! Richard: No she isn't! I'll prove it to you! Richard digs up Kahlan's grave and finds a dead body in a white dress. Richard: Dear Spirits... she IS dead. Zedd: Tisk, tisk. You just broke Wizard's Ninth Rule. AND you lost your sword. Richard: I'm going to jump off a balcony now. Nicci: NO! There are still two more books left in the series! You can't give up now! Meanwhile, Kahlan wanders around in the People's Palace. Kahlan: Who am I? A cliffhanger ending ensues, forcing all devoted fans of the series to wait yet another year until the next book comes out.

Naked Empire [07 Feb 2005|10:46pm] callmesquanky Richard: Help! I have such terrible headaches! Even extra-strength Tylenol won't cure them! Bandakarian guy: Hello, Lord Rahl. I have poisoned you, and shall only give you the antidote if you rid our peace-loving village of these narsty Imperial Order troops that like to rape our women. Richard: Pacifism is BAD. The Imperial Order is BAD; therefore, we are justified to kill them. Kahlan: I agree. Cara: Me too. Jennsen: Me three! Richard: If you want to get rid of the Order, you must fight it yourselves! Bandakarians: Aww, but can't we just be neutral? Richard: NO! You're either WITH US or AGAINST US! Nicholas the Slide: HAHAHA. I'm a random bad guy who was just inserted in the storyline to make the series drag on for longer than it should. Kahlan: I'm going to use my power on you, but it'll take about four pages of description. Nicholas the Slide: TOO LATE! Chase and Rachel: Look, we're making a cameo appearance to save the day! Richard: Oh no, looks like Nicholas the Slide has rid me of my antidote! That's okay; I can just make one myself. Bandakarian Woman: STOP THE HATE! *gets head sliced off by Richard* Richard: Now we're all back together, and look! My headaches are gone and I can eat meat again!

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