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[08 Jun 2009|04:10am] |
I believe i am depressed because i have been depressed for so long, its such a big part of me. Will i get rid of it... i dunno.. do i know how. to..
Kind of a self pitty thing...
if i am depressed cause im not doing what i want in life, ..i dont know what i want in life.
If i continue to think the way i am thinking... I will never b happy.
i am not allowing myself to b happy.
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| new to community |
[08 Jun 2009|02:15am] |
Just wanted to check in & say hey. My name is Mary & I'm a recovering alcoholic. My sobriety is 4/02/1995; but I only have today..
Been complacent & not going to enough meetings. Does that happen to more so with AA's that have a bit more of time under their belt? It's becoming a disconnection.....uggh.
Hope to hear from the group.
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[06 Jun 2009|11:50pm] |
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Ventura, California
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| Amazing Grace.... |
[31 May 2009|08:39pm] |
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So I came onto this site before I stopped drinking. I was a daily drinker back then, and reading all the posts and talking to one woman in particular helped me gather my courage to stop. I took this woman's advice and went to AA.
I have thought about AA before, but I thought it wasn't for me. I tried not to go in with a negative attitude though. I thought I would give it a try...what is the worst that could happen.
I have tried to quit many times before.....I have tried to stop drinking on weekdays and wait until the weekend. I have said to myself..." If I can get through 2 days then I will have a drink" never being able to make it past one day.
I found a meeting, a womans meeting, and went. For the first few weeks I thought I wasn't as bad as any of those women. I have never lost my house...or my marriage....I am not an alcoholic. And then other thoughts would creep into my head. I would be at work...on an ordinary afternoon...almost drooling at the thought of a beer. My thinking became more obsessive than usual (about booze) I would stare longingly at beer trucks....(you know you are screwed when!!!!:)
Anyway.....I had to admit to myself.....that I had a problem.
There is something about AA that has given me the strength to quit. Me...a daily drinker for 5 years......quit cold turkey and haven't looked back. I don;t always want to go to my meetings. I don't always like them..I rarely talk.....but I always leave feeling..better.
I got my 24 hour desire chip my first meeting...and then after awhile my 1 month..then 2...then 3. I am now 4 months sober.
My life has changed dramatically. I bought a house....and in April....became the proud mama to a little puppy. She keeps me busy.....and on my toes, and I know that if I was drinking I wouldn't be able to take care of her.
I named her Gracie, after the song amazing grace...which inspires me every day.
Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me....
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now, I see.
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[31 May 2009|02:08pm] |
Well.. hey everyone! I've been reading over some of the entries and decided to join because you lot seem to know what you are talking about!
I'm Andrea and I'm 23. I'm married to an alcoholic.
Well...I believe he is an alcoholic. I'm not completely sure.
He's not hiding in the garage sneaking drinks,
or stashing bottles in secret places.
Sometimes he goes days without drinking at all.
I guess I should cut this for those of who who don't care to read my sob story!
( under here )
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| Plugging back in |
[24 May 2009|10:15pm] |
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Of my sponsees died February 19th. The coroner's office called me. They were going through his cell phone and I answered.
After that, I didn't want anyone to get close. I didn't want to get to know any more alcoholics. I ran. I started going to one meeting a week and I pulled back from the fellowship.
I started to get freaking crazy again. Not so anyone could tell, on the outside, but my head was screaming all kinds of crazy shit, again.
So, I was talking to one of my friends, he told me how he was doing thirty meetings in thirty days, I'm in. 10 days and counting.
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| Learning |
[10 May 2009|08:58am] |
Sometimes we'll take a few steps backward. That's okay too. Sometimes it's
necessary. Sometimes it's part of going forward.
- Codependent No More
Life is a Gentle Teacher. She wants to help us learn.
The lessons she wants to teach us are the ones we need to learn. Some say
they are the lessons we chose to learn before we were born. Others say they are
the lessons that were chosen for us.
It's frustrating to be in the midst of learning. It is like sitting in
algebra class, listening to a teacher explain a subject beyond our comprehension. We do
not understand, but the teacher takes the understanding for granted.
It may feel like someone is torturing us with messages that we shall never
understand. We strain and strain. We become angry. Frustrated. Confused.
Finally, in despair, we turn away, deciding that that formula will never be available to
our mind.
Later, while taking a quiet walk, we break through. Quietly, the gift of
understanding has reached that deepest place in us. We understand. We have
learned.
The next day in class, it's hard for us to imagine not knowing. It is hard
to remember the frustration and confusion of those that have not yet caught on. It seems so
easy... now.
Life is a Gentle Teacher. She will keep repeating the lesson until we
learn. It is okay to become frustrated. Confused. Angry. Sometimes it is okay to
despair. Then, it is okay to walk away and allow the breakthrough to come.
It shall.
Help me remember that frustration and confusion usually precede growth. If
my situation is challenging me, it is because I'm learning something new,
rising to a higher level of understanding. Help me be grateful, even in my frustration, that life is an exciting progression of lessons.
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[09 May 2009|08:52am] |
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It's been a few months, why am I still getting cravings?
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[08 May 2009|12:18am] |
i have migraine's, adhd(wich i hate that label), depression, i am also a drug abuser.
ive read that people take anti depressants for migraines, also for adhd, hmm...
comments any???
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| rehab assignment |
[30 Apr 2009|03:38am] |
My mother is in a rehab. center right now. She's asked me to write her a paper about my feelings and what it's like to have her as my mother. So I've sat down and wrote without pause, pretty much snotting and crying the whole time. It's difficult to write about and I just wanna know if you think I'm taking it in the right direction. I've never had to do this before.....
( _________________________- )
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[18 Apr 2009|11:40am] |
Hey all. I have been watching this group for awhile. Commenting on occasion. I also have my own recovery based LJ based on SMART Recovery. A self managed form of recoever that is non-religous and science based, meetings optional. Just thought I would invite anyone interested to check it out.
http://community.livejournal.com/smart_recovery/
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| Personal Win |
[18 Apr 2009|07:33am] |
This is an entry from my personal journal that I am posting here. Maybe it'll help someone else.
I posted yesterday that my birthday was coming up and I was having trouble figuring out what to do. Well after some persistence, my friends and I decided to celebrate early. BTW, Thanks to the birthday well wishes from the other post. After some thinking, we decided to go hiking in a nearby canyon. I am new to this high altitude area. Since it's been snowing all winter, I had no clue what beautiful examples of nature were around me.
Let me just say that hiking at about 5000 to 6000 ft above sea level, is a daunting task for healthy people that arent acclimatized. It was extremely hard for this addict.. I have been rock climbing many of times, and i love it, hence the username, but this was a brand new venture. I was starting to feel miserable, and felt like this was going to be a shitty start to a seemingly more shitty birthday. All I could think about was how badly I wanted to pop a vicodine to ease the sting in my calves, the tightness in my chest, spasms in my back and the manic thoughts going on in my head. It could have been that easy. My close friend C could see that there was a manic episode lurking inside me, and we stopped. I rested for a second, and C had me go through some meditative breathing exercises to calm and recenter myself. It worked, and I started focusing on my surroundings. When we reached the summit of the hike, there is a breath taking view of the valley below. We took in the 360 degree view of area. I looked down on the trail we had just hiked.
I felt a great sense of accomplishment. I felt empowered. I felt loved. C and most of the others were great in supporting me. Not only did I feel love and support from them, but for the first time in a long time, I felt some sliver of self-love. I have spent so much time self-loathing, that this was such a beautiful day for me. I am so glad I had such an epowering day. That inner strength I found was gonna be needed. Later that night at dinner, a few of the people from our group decided that we are needed a round of shots. They didnt consult with anyone else. Next thing I knew I was staring at the golden liquid and a lime. Tequila, my favorite. I declined. It took a lot for to say no, but I feel it was another win for the day.
I know that recovery is usually not successful when doing it on your own without meetings, and sponsors and everything else, but I think I just may have it in me.
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| question |
[17 Apr 2009|03:13pm] |
so i was diagnosed with adhd when iwas 20, i hate saying that cause have such a resentment against that label. i can say at the time it explained a lot. I was diagnose with depression as well, i took so manh meds and street drugs i ruined my life. i got lost in my own insane mind.
i now hate medicine.
no i find myself not doing the things i want to in my life, i been clean n sober for 22 months and it gives me anxiety just thinking that i need medication again. dam.. i battled it so much. i cant handle it.
i cant seem to study again, i cant read a book, sux... i dont want to give in to believing that i have adhd. i hate it.
its crazy i am starting to come to the conclusion that this might b my underlying problem.
hell i havent worked the steps either maybe thats part of the reason. some kind of anxiety, personality, adhd, depression issu.. i hate it either way..
i can take meds, i will go insane,
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| Birthday |
[17 Apr 2009|08:53am] |
So my 24th birthday is right around the corner and I am dealing with the ideas on how to celebrate. This will be my first birthday in a long while in which I will be sober. Various friends have asked to take me for tapas and drinks. I dont know how I feel about this. I am never really been a drinker, so part of me wants to go and have those drinks. The other part of me is reeling from the loss of my prescription medication crutch. I dont want to get rid of one addiction just to replace it with alcohol.
I am sure plenty of you have found yourself in similar situations. How did/do you deal?
Any other suggestions on a totally non-lame birthday?
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| New here |
[12 Apr 2009|07:04pm] |
I am beginning my sobriety journey. I am 23, soon to be 24. i recently moved to a town where the big scene, is the bar scene. I have never really had a problem with drinking. Rx's have been my main poison for the past 4 years. Before then, as an angry teen, i was really big on the pot smoking. Once i dealt with my demons from my parents death, the weed went out the door. Four years ago I was in a pretty intense car accident and lost a pregnancy. The pills for my physical pain soon became the pills for my emotional pain. The last time I tried to ween myself off the pills, I went alittle loopy. I am hoping that this time I can be centered enough through inner support, and the support from others that I can make it through this sanely.
I have a tendency to write out my frustrations and vent my emotions. I am hoping by reviving my livejournal, I can vent my urges and cravings, and get some awesome positive feedback. So this is my hello and I cant wait to get to know some of you and maybe even help fellow recovering LJ-ers out.
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| Hello! |
[02 Apr 2009|06:48pm] |
I have been lurking for a few days and I am so happy that here on LJ we have so many people in recovery!
I am Ashley, I am a Alcoholic. [An AAer, if you must] I have a little bit over 2 years sober now. It took a lot to clean up my wreakage, but with a sponsor, reading The big book awakening, and working the 12 steps I wouldnt be here.
If anyone needs to talk about ANYTHING I am here!
<3
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[02 Apr 2009|05:16pm] |
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Today I am 53 days sober.......wow.
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| "We laugh indoors" |
[29 Mar 2009|08:28pm] |
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So, I will be two months sober On April 9.
I have been going to AA for over a month now. I never thought it would work for me, but it has helped me a great deal.
I have a sponsor. I have to call her every day. Phoning someone for me is very hard, so calling her every day is very rough for me. I put it off, and I dread it, but after I do it I always feel better.
I have taken up photography again. Being sober is like seeing everything for the first time. A sunset can now take my breath away, where as before if I was out watching a sunset (which was never) all I could think about was getting home for another drink.
On Friday I worked the late shift because I was going to my meeting after work, and my mother, who I work with, asked me if I could take something home for her. She said she didn't want to take it on the bus. It wasn't until after she left, and I looked at it, that I relized, it was a huge bottle of Grand marnier. I said yes without thinking, and then it really bugged me that my mother, who knows I am in AA now, would give her newly recovering alcoholic doaughter a bottle of booze to bring home to her.
So I called my sponsor, went to my meeting, and worked my way through it.
I miss drinking, but I love being sober.
I also love the people in my meetings. They understand me in a way no one else does. I feel at home there....
Anyway..I am good. For today:)
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[28 Mar 2009|10:07am] |
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"This is a new day, one that I have never lived before.
I stay in the now and enjoy each and every moment"
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| Humility |
[24 Mar 2009|10:45pm] |
Yesterday the speaker told this story:
I had been saying my prayers like my sponsor told me to, but I never knelt. I always just kind of said them while doing whatever or laying in my bed.
One night I was out to dinner with a group of people, including this grizzled, tough old biker and we were talking about prayer. Thinking I would impress him with my cleverness, I said to him, "I never kneel to pray. God can hear my prayer whether it's coming from my bed, or from a foot or two down to the floor."
He looked at me for a moment and said, "You just don't get it, do you? It's not about the distance the prayer has to travel, it's about humility, and you could use some."
This really got me thinking, because I don't kneel to pray either. I figured what's the point of taking on a position of subservience when I don't even believe in God? I mean, I'm not even praying to anything, I'm just focusing my thoughts and energy.
But that story really got me. I'm not taking on a humble position for God, I'm doing it to remind myself that I am not God. I am not in control, I am powerless over changing anything other than myself. I am not the be all, end all. I'm humbling myself to the concepts of kindness, goodness, loving others and all those other traits I find myself falling so far behind on.
I'm not humbling myself for a deity, I'm reminding myself to stay humble all day long.
It is about humility, and I know I can use some.
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