We found a lead on Dad back at Morrow's cabin. It might be thin, but it's all we've got right now. The place is called The Comstock Inn - looks just like the kind of joint Dad would use if he was on a gig.

I know I shouldn't worry that he's not answering his cell, that's just typical, but it bothers me with all the recent hunter deaths, and I know it bothers Dean too, even though he's his usual stubborn self about it. 

And now Dean had to mention Mia.

I'd hoped our paths would never cross again, but deep down I guess I always knew Dean and me aren't that lucky.

But if it is Mia....

I'm not going there, I'm just not. I can't bear the thought of her doing to Dad what she obviously did to Morrow. Just the size of the blood stain back at the cabin was enough to make me queasy.

And what if I have to face her again? What happened back inside that mountain freaked me, I mean, REALLY freaked me - channeling that kind of energy was just...unholy somehow, no matter what Dean says.

I don't want to have to do that again. Not in any fight, not even against Mia.

What if I inadvertantly become the very thing I'm fighting if I use this kind of power for too long? What's that saying, 'absolute power corrupts absolutely?'

Yeah, exactly....   

I was hoping for a little bit of peace and quiet... yeah, right, as if... especially after nearly being buried under a mountain of rock while being swarmed over by a gazillion demons straight out of some portal between Heaven and Hell...

Can you say Twiight Zone?

I've woke up the last couple of days with a pounding headache and wishing that it was from too much tequila... but its not. And if I say that watching my brother 'reap' demons didnt bother me... well, I might as well be saying that "I'm fine."

Still, I guess after all this time, I'm not really THAT freaked... after all, once again, Sammy save our skin... my skin.

But hey, the day hasnt been totally filled with bad news... Bobby told us that Sid Morrow was found dead. No one's for sure how, but considering our line of work and SId's less than friendly personality... my bets that the list of possible suspects covers everything from a pissed-off spirit to the waitress at some back roads diner. Face it- the guy made enemies...

So I guess I wont be shedding any tears over his demise... but then, Bobby tells us that he's not the first. Which DOES make me sweat just a little, makes me wonder where that demonic little she-bitch, MIa is right now. I havent stopped looking over our shoulders since we left Tahlequah, expecting to see her behind us, stalking us, just biding her time... I know we're not done with her...

but at least, there's one less piece of trash we have to worry about... Good riddance Morrow, hope you rot in hell.

So.  We have a Cousin.  She's called Daisy.  Is Dean ever gonna run out of Dukes of Hazzard jokes?  Somehow I don't think so.  Oh yeah, she can control earthquakes.  Y'know.  Pretty standard for an archeology student.  She kinda looks a little bit like Dean, which is freaky.  Acts like him too.  Despite that, I kinda like her.  And she makes Zach happy, so that's gotta be worth something.  What are the odds my old college buddy would wind up dating my distant relative?  I can't wrap my head around it.  She's a Claviger.  Just like us.  Can't be the Clavigers that were cursed though, otherwise I'd be doubly cursed, right?  Clavigers and Winchesters?  Hell, that'd pretty much be my luck though, right?

Gudrun's back.  And so is Jon.  He's a reincarnated Einherjar warrior sent by Odin to save the world.  She's a Valkyrie along for the ride.  Whatever works, right?  Explains what happened in Canada a little better.

Dean just used angel parts to blow up some demons.  That was fun.

And oh yeah, I just dropped a mountain on a Conduit between Heaven and Hell and reaped a couple hundred demons.

So just another day at the office for Sam Winchester.

I'm still not sure what happened back there.  One minute I was me, the next I had Gudrun and Daisy in my head with me and all I could think about was saving Dean, Jon and Zach.  I made an earthquake.  With my mind.  I reaped a demon.  With my mind.  This is not normal behavior, right?

I'm just glad Dad wasn't there.  I mean, Dean was freaked to all hell and he's pretty much got a handle on the whole "my kid brother's a psychic freak" thing.  Dad?  Well I don't think he'd have been quite as understanding as Dean was.

And Dean's pretty much as scared as I am right now.

I started today thinking about fairy dust and I'm ending it thinking I might  somehow be involved in the Apocalypse.

I need a beer.  I need a lot of beer.

So we just put our second Hellgate outta commission.  Or Sam did.  Or maybe it was Cousin Daisy.  Or the Big Guy (if you believe Gudrun).  Dropped a mountain on it's ass.  (Note to self: Ask Sam if Hellgates have asses.)  Strictly speaking it was a Conduit, not a Hellgate.  Potato potaaaaaato.  What does Gudrun know anyway?  Route 66 from Hell right through to Heaven with Earth just a truckstop along the way. 

Oh yeah, Gudrun's not as dead as we thought she was.  Showed up riding a moonbeam as large as life and twice as annoying and lands right in front of us with a bad ass sword for Volsung - yeah, he's back too - and some freaky Yoda crap for Sammy.  "Use the Force, Sammy..."  Yeah, and did he ever.

I swear to God, that kid's gonna be the death of me.  I mean I never saw anything like that.  Don't think I ever wanna see anything like it again either.  'Cause y'know, I helped change Sam's diapers.  Not recently, but you know what I mean.  To see your baby brother doing what he did today?  I can't...  I don't even...  Man.  I don't think Sam even knew what was going on half the time.  I was kinda glad he had his eyes closed through the whole thing.  I don't know what the hell I woulda done if he'd opened them and they'd been black.  Or worse, yellow.  I know this psychic ninja crap he's got goin' on is supposed to be a good thing (again, if you believe Gudrun), but damn.  Reaping demons?  Controlling earthquakes?  This is my baby brother we're talking about.  It's just not...right.  Need to talk to Dad about it.  Hell, I need to talk to Sammy about it.  But right now?  Not gonna happen.  For once, even Sammy's not hassling me to care and share.

Still, we got outta there alive.  With a cousin we never knew we had.  Sure, she's a freak like Sammy, but who are we to judge huh?  And even though I'll deny ever saying it with my dying breath, I'm glad Gudrun's not dead.  And that she and her blond man-mountain get to ride off into the sunset.

Seriously.  Las Vegas.  Wedding Chapel.  Elvis.  Dude.  That's one wedding I'd wear a monkey suit for.  Valkyrie and Einherjar warrior married by Elvis.  Maybe I oughta go suggest it...

So I'm not sure I can do this.

I thought I could.  When I was on the phone, speaking to Zach.  I mean, it'll be great to see him again - I really miss him and Becky and all our friends from Stanford.  But.  I'm not sure I belong there anymore.  It was another life ago.  I'm not that person anymore.  Half of that person burnt up on a ceiing four years ago and now...  I'm not sure what's left.

And it's not fair that every time I look at Dean I want to blame him for everything.  I know it's not his fault.  He didn't kill Jess, that freak Haris did.  And Haris is dead now, so I should feel...different.  Relieved, I guess.  Happy its over.  And I am.  Happy Haris is dead.  But still... Jess...  And all I remember is Dean dragging me away from her to go find Dad.  Dean dragging me out of that apartment when I should have burnt up with her.  And I'm blaming Dean when I know it's really my fault.  It was me Haris was after.  My fault Jess is gone.  My fault Mom is gone.

Dean's all I've got left, and if I keep blaming him for something he didn't do, then I'm gonna lose him too, aren't I?

God.  I know now why Dean hates Kansas so much.  Because I feel the same way about California.

Home.

And it's gone now.

God I HATE Kansas!  Did I mention that before?  And I hate fairies too - almost as bad as freakin' witches.  With their fairy dust and their little wings and their cutesy little goddamn bells all over the freakin' place.  Did I mention the dust?  So now I look like a reject from a Village People video and my car looks like Cinderella's goddamn pumpkin after a night on the town with Prince Charming.  And if Sammy calls me freakin' Prince freakin' Charming one more time he's gonna be doing a helluva lot more than missing one ball.

Goddamn Kansas.

So where are we off to next, kids?  Californiyay!  Ordinarily, little bit o' sun and a few West Coast Girls and I'd be one happy dude, but today?  Nah, we're not just off to California, but we gotta go to Palo Alto.  Stanford.  First time we've been back there since...well.  Don't know what it's gonna do to Sammy, but he's insistent.  That guy Zach - remember him?  The one I got outta prison by letting the cops think I was a sadistic chick-hating serial killer when the real bad guy was a sadistic chick-hating serial killer shapeshifter?  Needs our help.  Somethin' hinky goin' on out there in Geniusville.  Our kind of hinky.  Says his girlfriend's found some weirdo bones out on an archio archieo arceo goddammit where the hell's the spellcheck on this thing?  Oh hold on.  Archeological.  She's out on an archeological digsite somewhere outside of San Francisco.  I left my heart there once, y'know.  Werewolf got it and wouldn't give it back.  Yeah okay.  Lame.  But.  Y'know.  I got fairy dust in my hair. 

You know if I drive all that way and that skinny chick's there with the guy out of Angel?  I won't be happy.  Although she's a babe.  For a skinny chick.  A smart skinny chick.

Okay well I gotta get the computer in the car before Sammy starts to miss it and thinks I'm lookin' at porn again.  Like I ever look at porn on the internet...
 

I told Dean it was a virus!  But did he listen to me?  No, he had to go off having his version of a panic attack - which as usual in Dean World translates into Random Threats of Violence - this time against a coven of witches.

Still.  Yeah, I was worried about Dad too, I'll admit it.  It's pretty scary growing up with only one parent - especially when that one parent thinks it's his business to face down every evil thing creeping across the face of the planet.  When we were kids...  Well I know it was hard on Dean.  Sometimes he'd just get this look, you know?  Like he was trying so hard not to let on how freaked out he was, and that only made him look even more freaked out.  Of course he had a plan.  Never really talked to me about it until - I guess I was nine or ten.  Some time after Mrs. Vasilyeva anyway.  I think that's what made him decide he needed one.  A plan that is.  I used to watch him at night - when he thought I was asleep.  Used to turn on the flashlight and pore over Dad's map book for hours - memorized every freeway, highway, every road bigger than a dirt track - every route to Blue Earth and South Dakota from every place we ever stayed in.  And he could drive by the time he was thirteen, knew how to hotwire a car by the time he was ten.  I know he'd have gotten us there.  "No more foster homes," he told me once, when Dad had been gone two weeks longer than he'd said he would be.  "Not ever again."

I only really remember Mrs. Vasilyeva, but I know we wound up in some group home somewhere before that.  Guess I'd have been six maybe.  Dad busted us out.  Don't really remember it, only know what Dean's told me.  And he doesn't talk about that kind of stuff much.  All I really remember from '92 is that woman's teeth and how I felt when I thought Dean had taken off without me.  Didn't have the first clue what to do.  Dean was always the one with the plan.  Sometimes when Dad had been gone for days at a time, I remember waking up in the middle of the night and checking Dean was still breathing.  I guess I was scared of being left on my own back then.  God, he'd have called me a little pantywaist if he'd ever caught me!  Come to think of it, he still calls me a little pantywaist...

Still, if I'd remembered anything at all about the Shtriga when we bumped into Mrs. Vasilyeva, I think I'd have been a helluva lot more freaked out than I was.  And I was pretty damned freaked out at the time.

Never did find out what happened to all of the other kids.  I remember Flora's grandparents coming to pick her up from the hospital.  And all the other parents woke up, so I guess everyone was okay.  I know that little girl who Dean managed to get talking - April? - Damnedest thing.  I bumped into her at Stanford - she was studying medicine.  I guess she's a doctor by now.

Anyway, it's over now and we're adults.  Well that's what they tell me.  Not so sure about Dean sometimes...  But at least we don't scare quite as easy. 

Speaking of which, Missouri's here!  She's not threatened Dean with any kitchen utensils yet, but it's only a matter of time.  Dean's been plotting his revenge for her making him clean up Jenny's kitchen back in Lawrence, I'm sure of it.  Even though he pretty much adores her.  Pretends not to, of course, but if I can see it, then I'm pretty damn sure Missouri can!

Okay I better go check how many dead mosquitos my oh-so-grown-up big brother has collected to hide in Dad's bed tonight...  Kids.

So Big Bad John Freakin' Larger Than Life Bad Ass Hunter Winchester got taken out by a mosquito!  A mosquito!  It's hi-freakin'-larious!  I'll be dining out on this for weeks!  Seriously.  The guy's never gonna live this one down!

West Nile Virus.  Jeez.  "Told you it was a virus!"  Yeah Sammy Braniac Know-It-All.  He talks a good game, but he was as scared as I was.

Not that I was scared scared though.  I mean...  It wasn't like '92 after all.  Now that was freakin' scary.  When you're a kid, everything seems a helluva lot more terrifying, especially when your dad's a Monster Slayer and you know there's freakin' bad shit freakin' everywhere just waiting for you.  Just waiting for you brother.  I swear I can still feel that old witch's teeth on my neck even now.  It's just...when you're twelve and your dad and your brother are all you have in the world...  I'd never tell this to Sammy, but when we were kids and he was having nightmares about monsters and demons and things that go bump in the night I was having nightmares about the CPS.  They nearly got us a couple of times when we were kids - and Mrs. Vasilyeva wasn't the only time we ended up in foster care.  But she was definitely the worst.  It sucks only having one parent.  And it sucks ass when that one parent seems hell-bent on getting himself killed.  Every time he left us to go off on a hunt I wondered what the hell I'd do if he didn't come back.  How I'd take care of Sammy.  I knew Bobby or Pastor Jim would be there for us I guess, but once you get put in the system...well sometimes kids get lost, right?

When I was really little I used to wake up in the middle of the night and go check my dad was still breathing.

Jeez, I was such a little pantywaist back then.

Maybe I should delete that.

Nah.  Sam'll never crack this password!

Okay I'm outta here.  I still owe Missouri for making me mop up Jenny's kitchen back in Lawrence.  Some serious karmic payback's awaitin'...

So I convinced Dean to come check out these strange murders, and yeah- I knew from the minute I read the report on Kelli Mattingly that she, like me, had been a pre-law student at the university here.

But contrary to what Dean thinks- it had nothing to do with why I brought us here. I mean sure... the similarities between us are there- but honestly, I'm not saying that just because it looks like some demon may have made her go crazy and kill a bunch of other students, and herself, that it has anything to do with what happened to me.

And yeah, I'll admit that being back on a big campus brought back some memories, good ones and bad ones... God, I miss Jess! And I wont deny that its soooooo tempting to just wanna  walk away from this life and never look back ( I did it before didnt I?).

Dean doesnt get it, he thinks my only focus on this hunt is because of the similarities, the chance to hang out at the uni - but he's not the one standing above his brother, digging friggin' buckshot out of his back. I know Dean thinks that nothing can compare to a hunter's life, after all- thats all he's ever known. But doesnt he get that maybe sometimes it would be nice not to live out of a duffle and a trunk, to eat a meal made in your own kitchen and to sleep in a bed that had only ever been slept in by you and not every other hooker and door to door salesman in the lower forty-eight?

Do I miss school? Not so much anymore. That's a life that's dead and gone for me. There's no going back, I know that now.

But damn- it doesnt mean that I enjoy this life a whole lot either.

Dear Diary:

Today I nearly fell off the roof of a moving train.  Nearly got offed by the spirit of a serial killer who died fifty years ago.  Nearly got stabbed and had my eyes gouged out with a ceremonial dagger.  Nearly got thrown into a Hellgate (AGAIN!) 

On the plus side, I met a real-life actor.  And Jay Stringer - yeah THE Jay Stringer.  And I made friends with a cop (every silver lining has a cloud.) 

And - oh yeah - did I mention the train BROKE DOWN on the way back to Richmond?  HUH???  Stuck in the middle of Pennsylvania with nothing but Sam whining about his poor poorly ankle for THREE FREAKIN' HOURS!!

So yeah, Sam actually DID fall off the roof of a moving train.  And he DID kinda save my ass.  Again.  But don't tell him I said that 'cause his head is freakin' big enough already.  I mean seriously.  Why d'you think he grows his hair so friggin' long?  But he kinda did bust up his ankle, so I guess I oughta cut him some slack.  For - like - an hour.

Anyway.  Not much chance of taking any long train rides in the future.  The more alternative forms of transportation I mess with, the more I realize that my baby in black really is the only way to travel.

And I still don't believe Sam EVER rode a Harley-Davidson...