Reflections and Photographs Chp 3
Title: Reflections and Photographs
Author:diebyownhands
Pairing:Frank/Gerard, Mikey/Ray (this pairing just sneaked up on me)
Rating:R
POV: Third Person
Summary: When angry we sometimes say thinks we don't really mean. "I wish I never met you", Frank never thought his boyfriends wish would come true.
Disclaimer: Not real

prolog-1-2


Author Notes: I'll try to update every Friday. I this is the third version to this chp, I've had a really hard time with it so please forgive me if it isn't that good.

Picture reference (if you prefer I just link to it like I did in the preview let me know)


I had a dream about you. You were singing to me, so close that I could feel your breath ghosting against my cheek. You were singing to me.

“If you were here, I’d never had a fear.” I could feel the following lyrics on the tip of my tongue. I could taste them and I could taste you as your lips descended on mine.

“Sing it with me,” you whispered against my lips, “If you were here.”

It felt so real; it felt so beautiful, if I hadn’t had my eyes closed I would think it was real.


Life had moved to quickly for Gerard, he felt like he had gone from being a new born into an almost thirty year old man over night. His childhood was a blur with small memories that felt more like faded photographs than the on going movie he had of the last six years.

Mikey tried to help going through photo albums telling him stories and visiting places. His dad helped him a lot to, especially when it came to his mother. Gerard could close his eyes and see her in his mind; he’d see her smiling with him in her arms just like the picture that rested on his night stand. He wished he could remember more of her, he wished that he could remember what her hugs felt like, what she smelled like. He liked the way his father looked when talking about her. Gerard could see that Don wasn’t just seeing her image, he was feeling her, he was smelling her, living her.

He sometimes would just stare at something, feeling it had a connection with him he just couldn’t identify. One time it had happened at a park near his fathers house in Jersey, Gerard couldn’t stop staring at the swing set, feeling it held something. Finally tired of staring he had gone up to the swing and sat on it. Mikey had come up to him then sharing that as kids their mom would bring them here every Saturday morning and that Gerard loved to swing. It felt good to make the connection.

It was still weird, he still felt as something was missing. He’d sometimes be stopped by strangers claiming to have gone to school with him. Gerard would smile and pretend he remembered. Feeling uncomfortable when they tried to hug him or when he couldn’t return their genuine smiles. This was the reason he had decided to move out of Jersey, it was easier to live in a world where he was stranger, a world that didn’t know who he had been. That held no memories.

The hardest part was having his father and brother accept that he wasn’t the old Gerard. The hardest part for his father and brother was convincing Gerard that they loved him and that he still was their son, their brother. Mikey wouldn’t let Gerard move away from them, he didn’t want Gerard to put physical space between them. He decided he would move out with him, they would find and apartment together and figure out life together.

“No matter what you’re My brother.” It was the first time Gerard felt Mikey as more than just a person helping him recover. It was the first time when the word brother touched him with its true feeling.

Mikey’s and Ray’s relationship was still growing back then, Gerard worried that he was straining the bond. Ray assured him that he loved Mikey enough to let him go.

“It’s not that far away, I trust him, I love him. And I love you too bro, I’m still your friend.” It took a bit more for Gerard to truly consider Ray his friend; at least the same way Ray considered him. They had to get to know each other again. Six months after Gerard and Mikey moved out Ray joined them and where they used to be friends connected by music and school, now they were friends because they both deeply cared for the same person, of course they also had other things in common.

For four years they lived together in the small Queen’s apartment. Gerard had walked in on Ray and Mikey far too many times for his liking, but they got along.

Gerard was used to coming home and finding the apartment empty a note on the fridge- that Mikey insisted on leaving- telling him where they were. Gerard was also used to walking into the apartment and finding Ray and Mikey cuddling on the couch, cooking together or on other times, being a bit noisy in their bedroom.

What Gerard wasn’t used to was coming home to Ray and Mikey fighting. Not that they never fought, but it was so rare that when ever it happened around Gerard it was a surprise. Gerard felt like a kid hiding in his room hearing his parents go at it. Walking into it was much worse.

There he was uncomfortable and unsure of what he should do. He was tired after a long day at the office, didn’t want to go back out. He didn’t want them to know he was there either or stand where he could over hear their fight.

Gerard put down some drawings he brought home with him and deciding that maybe he could move quietly into his room with out being detected. That idea was shot down when he remembers he shares a wall with the couples room and the fight would be easier to hear from there.

Curiosity was getting the best of him and he tries to make out their words.

“Mikey!” He hears a frustrated Ray yell. Before Gerard could even think of backing out and pretending he had just arrived the bedroom door was opened, the slightly orange light from the room spilled out onto the carpet brightening up the living room where he stood.

Shadows fell over Mikey’s face making it hard to see his expressions. Ray stood behind him his large hand wrapped around Mikey’s arm. Mikey shakes off Ray’s hand moving out into the living room. Gerard flickd the light on and noticed the fake smiles drawn on their faces.

“I was just heading out,” Mikey said keeping his eyes down. Gerard stepps away from the door as Mikey approaches it. “What…What ever you…I’ll be back later.” With that he opens the door and leaves.

Ray sighs, his hand running down his face as though he is trying to erase what had just happened.

“Is everything ok?” Gerard asks finally taking another step into the apartment.

“Just…yeah everything is fine.” Ray was Gerard’s friend but he knew better than to complain about Mikey to Gerard. Especially about what they were fighting, it was something Mikey had to talk to Gerard about, because this opportunity was too good to pass on.

Mikey digs his hands deep into his pockets, regretting not grabbing a jacket before leaving. He thought about going back, but he couldn’t he was sorry about the things he had said to Ray and if his brother had heard something he didn’t want to face him, not yet at least.

A car drove by him, the top drawn down and the volume pumped up, it caught the red light on the same block Mikey was making his way down. Mikey shook his head as Pencey Prep’s “Dead” bleared out of the speakers, it was just his luck. No matter what he couldn’t run away from Frank.

He hurried his steps, hoping he’d be able to catch the next train.

-

From the train station Mikey took a taxi, he paid the fare and then stood outside the small house watching the dining room window were he could see his father and wife sitting down to eat.

Don had remarried three years ago; Darla was a few years younger than him. She was a kind and soft spoken widow with a 14 year old daughter called Susan. Susan was now 17 and had just gotten her drivers license, the car missing in front of the house brought Mikey to the conclusion that she was probably out.

Susan had a small crush on Mikey and knowing she wasn’t there was a relieve, because Mikey didn’t feel he had the patience to deal with her today.

Mikey used the keys he still had for the house to let himself in. When Darla had first moved in Mikey and Gerard had began to knock on the door and call before coming over, she soon asked them to stop, because even if she lived there it was still their home.

Mikey looked over the living room that had hardly changed over the years. The large sofa was knew, but his dad’s chair still stood to the left by a small table with a lamp on it and the newspaper neatly folded next to it. The carpets had been changed, but the color was almost identical to the one before, the TV was a new model but the stand was the same.

On the mantle his mom’s picture was still there, no longer taking the center spot but instead to the left, surrounded by pictures of Mikey and Gerard growing up as well as one of all four with Mikey sitting on his dad’s lap and Gerard standing behind his mom holding her hand. Mikey moved toward the mantle, Darla hadn’t taken any of the pictures down, she wasn’t there to replace his mom, but to love and keep his dad company. On the left side of the mantle were pictures of Darla, Susan and Susan’s dad. In the center Darla had placed picture of the family as they were now. There was a picture of Darla, and Don and Susan, a picture of Don with both his boys and one of Mikey and Ray.

Mikey was glad his dad had found someone like Darla, no matter how skeptic he was about it at first.

“Mikey! Oh, dear you scared me.” Darla said in the same soft tone she always used. Mikey turned around to see her standing by the kitchen entrance. “I thought Susan was home, she is running a little late.”

“I’m sorry,” Mikey apologizes moving towards Darla. She smiles pulling him into a hug.

“I bet if I called her and told her you were here she’d be home in no time.”

Mikey blushes hoping she isn’t serious about calling Susan. Darla pulls away noticing how worried Mikey looks, she calls for Don who is still finishing up dinner before asking Mikey what’s wrong.

“Nothing serious,” he gives her a small smile as his dad appears behind her. “I’m just here to talk to dad.”

Darla smiles back excusing herself back into the kitchen giving both men the privacy they obviously desire.

Don sits on his chair and Mikey on the couch turned slightly to better face his father. Mikey doesn’t seem to want to start the conversation, fidgeting with the hem of his shirt and asking his father about work. Don humors him for awhile but is beginning to become anxious, he knows Mikey likes to skirt the important subjects and he also knows Mikey wouldn’t be there on a week night with out Ray unless something was wrong.

When Mikey begins to talk about the weather Don loses his patience interrupting him with a stern “Boy, stop avoiding the subject and out with it. You are a far way from home and it’s late.”

Mikey gulped, because he knew an ‘I told you so was on its way’.

“Frank called Ray yesterday.” Mikey waited for Don to say something, but other than slightly biting on his lip and noting for Mikey to continue Don said nothing. “He saw a video of “Emotional Blackmail” and wants them to tour with him during the fall.”

“Hmmph” Don said shifting on his seat.

“I had a huge fight with Ray, because he says he can’t turn this down.”

“I told you this would happen,” Donald tried hard not to say I told you so, but he knew this would happen, lies had away of finding their way out into the light.

“I know,” Mikey said staring at his hands, “but at the time you agreed with me.”

“No,” Don interrupted him. “I saw your point, but I didn’t agree.”

“Well,” Mikey said with a shrug, “now what?”

“You talk to Gerard, you tell him everything.”

Mikey shook his head; he didn’t want to do that. He didn’t because Frank deserved to be forgotten and because…because dammed it would suck.

The phone rang then and Darla came out with covering the cordless so the caller wouldn’t hear her, “It’s Ray, he sounds worried.”

Mikey sighed standing up to take the phone. He took a throw blanket from the couch tossing it over his shoulders as he walked outside to smoke.

“I’m sorry,” was the first thing both of them said. Mikey took a deep breath because Ray had nothing to be sorry at all, and he was so ready to take the fault.

“You have nothing to be sorry about. I was out of line.” Mikey heard Ray shifting. “I have no right to ask you to put your carrier on hold to cover up my secrets.”

“You know I would do anything for you, but this isn’t just about me.”

“I know, I know…” Mikey took a drag from his cigarette, “I’m sorry.”

“I love you,” Ray said.

“I know, and I love you too.” Mikey exhaled, deciding to kill his cigarette and use that hand to get a better hold on to the blanket.

“I’ll talk to my mom, this weekend.”

Mikey had a short flashback at the words he had yelled at Ray, before storming out.

“Because one day we will move back to Jersey, right? When will that be Ray? When Mama Toro dies? Because god forbid Mama Toro finds out her darling little boy likes cock.”

Ray hadn’t come out to his family yet even though they both went every other Sunday to dinner at Mrs. Toro’s house. Ray’s mom even had a friend’s daughter over last weekend, because she was “such a nice girl”.

“I’m sorry about what I said Ray. I was just frustrated looking for anything I could use to hurt you. Take your time… I know it’s hard.” Mikey bit his lip and Ray could imagine him just as he was, standing on the backside porch leaning against the wall.

“I think four and half years has been long enough. I owe you this.” There was silence on the line both of them unsure of what to say next.

“You owe me nothing,” Mikey finally whispered.

“I’ll go pick you up.” Ray was already standing with car keys in his hands.

“Did he hear anything?”

“No, at least he didn’t mention anything. I think he had just walked in.”

Mikey, nodded looking out towards the sky. He wished nothing had happened, the phone call, the fight…just everything.

“It’s late Ray, you have work early tomorrow. I’ll just spend the night here.” Mikey’s words broke Ray’s heart, because he needed Mikey by his side. He needed to hug and kiss him, make sure everything was truly ok between them.

“Mikes,” His voice sounded desperate and pleading and Ray hated it.

“I love you, don’t worry. I’ll take the first train back tomorrow.”

“I’ll talk to her this weekend and we will move back to Jersey together. I promise Mikey.”

“Thank you. I’ll talk to Gee, I’ll tell him everything.”

With a few more I love yous they hung up. Their beds felt too large and empty that night.