i wanted to share some of my feelings and thoughts with you.

last week i met the new therpist. it was maybe our 3rd meeting. somehow i was able to tell her my story without avoiding issues that i did in the past.
i shared so much and so fast in the relationship with her. she didn't shy away from asking.
i have started putting the pieces of the puzzle together, but it is still painful and buried inside.

i don't know if it's good or bad that i shared so much, but i guess i am not willing to keep it in anymore.
she didn't leave any stone unturned.

it's hard to explain the griefe and torment i feel some days, feeling odd and out, and floating, like i am not really here.

i feel like i have been carrying a dark cloud with me in the last few weeks.

when i try to move forward in life it stalks me.
maybe it is the shadow of my father. so heavy, stealing away my life energy and my breath of air.

i wonder if i will be able to have a normal life.

i wonder how to live in the present and connect with myself, the real feelings and the real me inside, which i have been hiding away..

can i come out? is it realy safe or will i get hurt again?

here tried NLP - neuro linguistic programing?
it's a theraputic intervention.
i feel that i need to take control over my very negative thinking patterns.
it's taken over me these days.
maybe it is compulsive.
i can't stand to do something wrong because the guilt makes me crazy.

i keep feeling that nothing i do is good, all those angry, attacking, accusing voices inside are there to lash out the moment i feel or do anything that is out of what it should be...

it feels crazy.
i can't let go. i have to be on guard all the time to keep myself from doing "bad".
does it sound crazy?
i feel desperate over this driven emotions.
can't let myself be.
always sometihing watching over me?

is it only me?

i haven't been focusing on the program. it's too hard to do it alone.
i will apriciate any insight.
thanks for being here
love
me

Hello everyone I am Johanna survivor of incest and abuse.
Well, I feel very sad, I definitely can not get my ex-girlfriend, she does not want to be my partner but I feel very bad, I still love her.
But the wounds of my behavior, when she was a problem I felt unable to help me and broke my relationship, this will often cause her emotional pain.
Now she wants to be more me and if we are friends, I can not see well, and I'm in love with her.
She did not trust me, it hurts me deeply that friends, it hurts that I am not able to have a healthy emotional intimacy.
It hurts because I really like it, although it is surviving and even now also starting its own process.
She did not want to talk, I feel so bad, I could not accept that I lost.
When I was the only crisis elle I already heard that phone call, do not have a face SIA group in Bogota, and I am a lesbian and I'm afraid of conflict with the group that exists, since the father of my children Aided and your partner to this group.
And the group of gay people, this alone, nobody is interested in doing therapy with SIA.
I feel very frustrated, my ex-girlfriend tells me obsessed with it.
It hurts to think that I feel that the only woman who can understand me as a survivor she is.
It pains me that I fell in love with a woman who is a 4000 kilometers and now I can not physically with her, it hurts to think that I feel the need.
It hurts to think that I lost.
it hurts me to think I'm alone, and not survival meet other gay or heterosexual people tolerant of which can form a group face.
I am frustrated because this is the first time I fall in love with a woman and could not be with her, that my dreams of a healthy partner, are not real, I feel many unmet needs.
I can not let it go and not lose my need to suffocate him, and she broke it.

Hola a todos soy Johanna superviviente de incesto y maltrato.
Bueno, me siento muy triste, definitivamente no puedo recuperar a mi exnovia, ella no quiere ser mi pareja mas me siento muy mal, yo aun la amo.
Pero con mi comportamiento la heri, cuando ella tenia un problema yo me sentia incapaz de ayudarla y rompia mi relacion, esto le ocasiono en muchas ocasiones dolor emocional a ella.
Ahora ella no quiere estar mas conmigo y si somos amigas, yo no puedo verla asi, y me siento enamorada de ella.
Ella no confia en mi, me duele profundamente eso amigos, me duele que no soy capaz de tener una intimidad emocional sana.
Me duele porque ella me gusta mucho, aunque se que es superviviente y hasta ahora tambien esta iniciando su propio proceso.
Ella no quiere hablarme, me siento tan mal, yo no podia aceptar que la perdi.
Cuando tengo crisis elle era la unica que me escuchaba y a la que llamaba por telefono, no tengo un grupo de SIA presencial en Bogota, y soy lesbiana y tengo miedo de entrar en conflicto con el grupo que existe, ya que el padre de mis hijos y su pareja asisiten a este grupo.
Y el grupo de la gente homosexual, esta solo, nadie esta interesado, en hacer terapia con SIA.
Me siento muy frustrada, mi exnovia me dice que me obsecione con ella.
Me duele pensar que siento que la unica mujer que puede entenderme como superviviente es ella.
Me duele que me enamore de una mujer que esta a 4000 kilometros y no puedo estar ahora fisicamente con ella, me duele pensar que siento que la necesito.
Me duele pensar que la perdi.
me duele pensar que estoy sola, y que no conocere a otros superviventes homosexuales, o gente heterosexual tolerante con la cual pueda formar un grupo presencial.
Me siento frustrada porque es la primera vez que me enamoro de una mujer y no pude estar con ella, que mis sueños de una pareja sana, no son reales, que siento muchas necesidades insatisfechas.
Que no puedo dejarla ir y por mi necesidad de no perderla le asfixio, y ella se alejo definitivamente.

sometimes i just don't have the strength to cope. to feel. to be...
i am used to somehow be unengaged with life. to be remote.
i feel lost.
i am not sure where i am going with my life.
i am not sure i have much to give.
i have been detached this week. unable to feel, and so i began to doubt my new reltionship and it scares me.

i feel like a fake. like he might find out how unworthy i am and just leave.
i am unable to express my real feelings.

it seems like i lost my feelings, or maybe it was so intense that i shut down.

always worried that something is wrong, always want to run away from intimacy...
so i am scared to ruin this.

i haven't met anyone who was so good to me for a long time,

we talk about a future together and still i am numb.
will i be able to love? him? a child?
i feel so cruel. i feel so warped.

i look at my life and i feel paralized. unable to move, to want something for myself, to build a normal life...

incapacitated.
i keep telling him that and maybe i am trying to scare him away, but he doesn't get scared.
yet i can't trust myself...

i don't allow myself to lean on him, to let him see all of the ruin inside of me, drag hime down to my dark places...

trying to be better to myself...

Hi all,
I just thought I'd say hi and let you know that I'm new here. My name is Marianne, I'm 23 years old, and I am an abuse survivor. Wow, it's still hard to see that written out. I'm not sure what else to say right now. I just appreciate that someone out there is listening and can talk about these things that are so difficult to talk about. Thanks
Love,
Marianne

por dios estoy en el cuarto paso, me siento muy anciosa, no quiero recordar mas tengo mucha depresion y estres ya que tengo que pagar dinero y no lo tengo y creo que debo renunciar a mi empleo para pagar con la liquidacion la renta a mi cacera.
me siento muy sola, quiero morirme otravez, anoche me sentia muy mal, y mi exnovia queria escuchar lo que me ocurria, y yo le dije no no puedo decirte eso son cosas muy horribles.
Luego ella me dijo que esta haciendo inventario de su abuso en una autobiografia, y me conto algunas cosas de su abuso.
me senti feliz por ella y por supuesto muy furiosa con mis agresores y su padre.
 

no se si pueda sobrevivir a tanto dolor, la unica persona en quien puedo confiar es en mi ex novia y en este grupo.
Ella tiene muchos planes interesantes le dije que la admiraba por su valentia al hacer el inventario, pues esto no es facil
Estoy preocupada, necesito un trabajo, un trabajo no monotono, de hecho aun me sigue gustando la ciencia, y no se si podre ser cientifica y terapeuta de abuso al mismo tiempo.
No tengo dinero, y siento el cuerpo debil, y emocionalmente me siento muy estresada, no quiero vivir donde mi cacera ella me recuerda a mis padres es abusiva emocionalmente con los hijos, y ella me ha agredido emocionalmente cuando me atraso en los pagos.
 

estamos muy unidas con mi exnovia, y vamos a ser amigas.
me siento mal, porque siento que no puedo ofrecer nada bueno, como pareja.
Aunque me he dado cuenta que puedo conectarme emocionalmente con mi exnovia.
Solo deseo que con ayuda de los pasos y mi poder superior pueda sanar.
El tiempo pasa y me siento frustrada por mi atraso en mis estudios universitarios, y no tengo auto ni un departamente donde vivir, y no tengo dinero para pagar un abogado y buscar a mis hijos.
Anoche soñe con mi hija dana soñe que ella estaba trsite y se sentia abandonada.
La gente me juzga porque preferi ser lesbiana, y no lo oculte y por eso no tengo los niños.
pero a pesar de todo, me siento muy feliz porque soy yo misma.
Y trabajo en mi homofobia y verguenza interna que es muy parecida a la verguenza que me genero en mi el abuso sexual, sentia que ser lesbiana es algo sucio, y degenerado.

hi all am johanna survivor last night from 8 pm to 5:00 I wrote my text messages with my ex-girlfriend. not slept, but it was worth laa that talk, because I could clarify many things with it, and really still love each other, and I am aware that if I want to be healthy, I keep working in my life.
She said she will have a new therapist, I'm happy for her, if she anque not going to talk about incest, from his father.
also speak of my senitmientos when she was ill, and I broke my feeling of being inadequate and unable to help.
things we talk about your feelings and mine, of the root problems.
my insecurity and jealousy, I feel that it is possible to grow.
I just concentrate on my Proes without control, and regaining my self-esteem.
She thought that I did not trust her, but he clarified that the problem was mine, I felt unworthy of being with a woman who for the first time I have a real intimacy.We talked about when we met and we were in a very difficult situation emotionally each. It was in August 2007
I wanted to die, because being gay in a homophobic culture is not so easy.
had lost my children, and lost the university, and had no job.
Emotionally we have not always supported, the problem is when I feel responsible for their emotions, or she of mine.
I know my self-esteem even the injured, and my greatest desire is to build it with very solid foundations with the help of the steps.
I am working on step four, this step is very difficult for me, I feel no more pain
I want to go to college, and work out my emotional and financial problems, and above all be a happy and balanced.
I want very much to be myself and have a relationship healthy.





hola a todos soy johanna superviviente, anoche desde las 8 pm hasta las 5.00am me estuve escribiendo mensajes de texto con mi exnovia. no dormi, pero valio laa pena esa charla, porque pude aclarar muchas cosas con ella, y realmente aun nos amamos, y soy conciente que si quiero que sea sano, debo seguir trabajando en mi vida .
Ella me dijo que tendra una nueva terapeuta, yo me siento feliz por ella, anque no se si ella va a hablar del incesto, de su padre.
tambien hable de mis senitmientos cuando ella estaba mal, y yo rompia por mi sentimiento de ser insuficiente y no poder ayudarla.
hablamos de muchas cosas de sus sentimientos y los mios, de los problemas de raiz.
de mi inseguridad y celos, Siento que con ella es posible crecer.
Solo debo concentrarme en mi proeso sin controlarla, y recuperando mi autoestima.
Ella creia que yo no confiaba en ella, pero le aclare que el problema era mio, que me sentia inmerecedora de estar con una mujer que por vez primera puedo tener una verdadera intimidad emocional

Hablamos de cuando nos conocimos, y que estabamos en una situacion muy dificil emocionalmente cada una. Fue en agosto de 2007
Yo queria morirme, pues ser homosexual en una cultura tan homofobica no es facil.
habia perdido a mis hijos, y perdi la universidad, y no tenia empleo.
Siempre no hemos apoyado emocionalmente, el problema es cuando yo me siento responsable de sus emociones, o ella de las mias.

Se que mi autoestima aun esta lesionada, y mi mayor deseo es construirla con bases muy solidas con ayuda de los pasos.
estoy trabajando el paso cuatro, es muy dificil este paso para mi, no quiero sentir mas dolor.
Quiero volver a la universidad, y solucionar mis problemas emocionales y financieros, y sobre todo ser una persona feliz y equilibrada.
Deseo mucho ser yo misma y tener una relacion de pareja saludable.

 i was thinking yesterday about what will be if i got married.
i felt so much pain because the the honest truth is that my family don't care enough, and i feel so hurt by them that i don't know if it will make me happy to have them there just because we are family.

i feel abandoned by each and every one of them. they treat me as if i am the problem and not my father.
until now when i thought of marrige i was wondering if i would invite my father. 
it's such a hard question.
there are a few that i am connected to like my cousins, but mostly i feel alianated.

it's so hard to realize that this is so.

i have friends who care but it doesn't make up for having to live and grow up alone without anyone realy being there for me.

it's not like i decided to get married. i am still taking time to find out what this new relationship is all about, if it's healthy or not, but we have talked about a possible future together and it brought these thoughts to my mind, and i can't stand the pain.

thanks for listening
may

hello everyone,

my name is paul and i am brand new to this site and SIA. I don't have a clue what i'm doing, but as with many things, i grin, bear it and jump right out of my comfort zone into a new adventure. i haven't always been able to do that.

so here i am, feeling very anxious, but hopeful of another good adventure. intellectually i understand that i am among kindred spirits, but it is difficult. slow is fast enough for me.

i hope to learn what it is that i need to do to be an active participant and find some friends to hangout with on this site.

one day at a time. i can use all the help i can get.

paul

hola amigos soy johanna superviviente estoy muy preocupada, pues mi cacera va a correrme si en 12 dias no le pago un mes y medio de renta atrasado.
Aun no tengo el dinero, y no tengo donde ir ya que en bogota no tengo familia, pues ellos son muy enfermos y no deseo vivir con ellos, pues ellos niegan el abuso sexual de mi familia de origen y emocionalmente son abusivos.
Tampoco quiero ir a la casa de mis padres, porque estoy muy deprimida, y se que ellos son muy disfuncionales ayer fue mi cumpleaños, y llore mucho en mi habitacion, ya que he recordado muchos abusos ultimamente, mi cacera es una mujer muy abusiva emocionalmente con sus hijos y esta muy resentida conmigo por mi atraso en los pagos
Ademas ya acepte que no puedo estar con mi ex-novia, descubri que la distancia me genera mucho dolor e impotencia, y somos amigas, aunque la amo, y sigo enamorada de ella, y se que ella esta en una situacion muy dificil con su padre que es el agresor, y solo pido a nuestros poderes superiores que nos de fuerza para seguir adelante con nuestras vidas ella en los Estados unidos, yo en Bogota colombia.
Mi situacion laboral no esta bien no gano lo suficiente para mi sustento, las ventas este año estuvieron muy bajas en mi compañia.
Gasto mas dinero que el que gano, me siento muy sola, mis amigos no entienden el dolor que siento del abuso, y mi cacera dice que debo ir a una iglesia cristiana porque ella cree que mi situacion emocional, es por mi homosexualidad y por eso no vendo ni tengo dinero
Por otro lado mi hermano me llamo ayer para felicitarme, y me dijo que mi madre queria saludarme, pero el 22 de agosto me encontre con ella y tuve una gran pelea, ya que la confronto con su abuso y ella lo niega se pone a la defensiva y me maltrata por mi homosexualidad, y le dijo a mi hermano que ella me "perdonaba" pòr ser grosera con ella ese dia.
Siempre ha sido asi, ella es abusiva y yo tengo que disculparme con ella.

Hey Ya'll,

My name is Amy. I'm a 39 yr old survivor. I went thru counseling as a teen, but gave up and tried to ignore the abuse and the effects it has on me...This is no longer working...My marriage has all but fallen apart, I'm angry, hurt, and I always feel alone...I don't know where to start really, but joining this group seemed like the right thing to do...
Any advice anyone could offer, words of wisdom...anything would be appreciated. I want to be happy and at peace. I don't want to live the rest of my life in chaos...I want to have a healthy marriage...To be able to be touched and loved w/o the flashbacks, the guilt and the feeling of disgust...I want to be a good mother, and a good friend. I want to hate less and love more...

Thanks for listening...

Amy

 i am at peace.
i have serenity.
it is such a deep presence inside of me. it's healing. it's the quietness after the storm.

i spent the weekend with my guy and we worked out through the issues that were troubling me.
i am at awe with how beautiful it came about.

he is so attentive and willing to do everything it takse to make it work.
it's maybe the first time i feel safe with a man, and able to share all the tormenting fears and doubts, along with the good parts of me and my life...
for him too. i didn't realize men feel used too sometimes.

i am amazed that we were able to establish trust.

he wants to be there for me, and at first i thought it was a kind of a trap, and that he wants to control me, and i didn't belive him when he said he loves me.
but now i do.

it is still hard to be intimate with him, and it happens that i cry after or feel gross..
but i can talk to him about it.

i have never expereinced intimacy this way. i am discovering how different, how nurturing it can be...

thank you for supporting me through the hard moments,
may

Hola a todos soy Johanna superviviente, estoy trabajando el primer paso.
Tengo miedo, porque es demasiado el abuso sexual que recibi, fueron 10 personas mis agresores, siento que jams voy a poder tener una relacion de pareja sana, me siento muy arruinada.
Pienso en estos abusos y solo deseo morirme, tengo 30 años y pienso que es demasiado tarde, que ya he perdido mucho tiempo, y que el sentimiento de desesperanza es muy fuerte.
Se que que me he equivocado, pensando que si encuentro una mujer lesbiana que pertenezca a SIA no solucionara mis propios problemas, y ahora veo que me concentre en esto, en cambiar a mi exnovia, y "ayudar" a sanar
veo que descuide mucho mi proceso, por tratar, de estar con mi novia.
Y lo mas frustrante es que termine haciendome daño, y haciendole daño a ella.
Ella dice que esta lista para tener una nueva novia, yo le dije que aceptaria salir con una mujer Alemana, pero creo que no puedo salir con una mujer ahora.
tengo miedo de repetir los mismos comportamientos, de hecho, ya no confio en mi misma, y mi exnovia tampoco confia en mi.
Queria estar con ella pero ella me dijo que no le dijera mas te amo, y que si no lo hago ella dejaria de hablarme.
Lo unico que hice fue responder su mensaje de texto, y diciendole que esperaba que su nueva novia le apoyara.
Y ella me escribio que deacuerdo, y que ella deseaba que yo encontrara una mujer que me entendiera y me amara como lo merezco.

well, we just had a conversation and i am not sure what is what, but at least i put out what i had to say.

he showed up right when i came home from work, because he brought his kids back after spending an afternoon with them, and his ex-wife lives just a street away from me...

it's a strange situation.

after this week's argument, when i was offended by him bringing his ex up in the conversation again, he said tonight that he realizes he needs to work on this in his life, and somehow get rid of the effect she had on him so he can realy move on.

he said he doesn't want to hurt me, but i am afraid that it will. and i also don't want to be his comforter.

he is in therapy and is willing to learn and change and hear what i have to say.
he is taking responsability.

i told him that i am not sure this is good for me, and that i am not ready to make a commitment, that i want a normal relationship where things are light and we can have fun together and not try to fix each other's problems all the time.

so i am allowing myself to take the time and find out what this is. if it is a bad relationship or not, if i want it at all, if it can be fun and uplifting...

i don't know.
i missed him yesterday despite all the bad feelings i had...
but now i want to try to take it in my pace and on my terms.. try to not lose myself, but it may not work.

is it realy the right thing to give it a chance at all?
i am too tired to dig out the answer...

thanks for listening
may

i hit bottom again after trying to give a chance to another bad relationship.
it's horrible and hard to tell, and i have been thinking about it too much, but now i know i have to get out of it.
i hate myself for letting it happen again, but it seems that i am powerless to prevent these situations.

it's been too many times that i have been used by men to fill their needs in different ways.
i feel like a doormat. like a useless object. i realize that is the mechanizm that's running me. becoming an object, a sort of a sponge of human ills...
that's the role i've been given as a child and it's too painful to bear.
but today i can say "no more".

i have been depressed and out of energies, having panic attacks all day and feeling disgusted.

i feel cut out from life. punished. burdened. heavy.
i want to express my feelings in writing or painting but i can't seem to bring myself to do it, beside the work that i have to do for my job, which thankfuly i am able to hold, somehow.

i feel hollow.
why couldn't i protect myself? why were there none to protect me?
my therapist didn't see that this situation with this guy was taking so much energy and running me down.
and so i decided to leave her, and i set up a new appointment, with another one, that  friend of mine strongly reccomended.

it's not easy to start again, but thank god for friends, for options, for the fact that i haven't lost it completely and for you guys...

thank you for being here.
please remind me that i am not alone...
may