Fifteen years into this healing journey, and I had to admit today that I am still trying to numb the sadness from my childhood. I can no longer pretend the sadness is not there. I just have to feel it.

I admit that I am afraid to let go, to stop controlling my emotions. I am afraid to feel the sadness. However, I am going to feel the fear and do it anyway!

Hello everyone,

First off I'm a 22 female from Pittsburgh...I am struggling with the kinds of coping skills I acquired after having been repeatedly abused as a child by my sister and some neighborhood kids. I have consider talking to my sister about it but I'm horrified she would deny this. I feel that she may have suffered trauma as well. I also hate her.

I like this community and am glad to have found it.

I started reading the 12 steps but I can't get past the 2nd and figure the rest are down the drain for me. I'd love to believe in a healing higher power.... but I just feel so tormented it is basically impossible.

Anyway... so cool to have found this and good luck to everyone else. If you want to friend me you should. I am going through a healing process that has more to do with the ways the repeated abuse affected my ability to make healthy choices.... I am not so much haunted anymore and I don't blame myself and very rarely get any kind of flashback. So I write mostly about my quest to find the "healthy me". Right now I'm coming out the other end of an addictive relationship of 5 yrs so the content is pretty trite but I'd love to read of your struggles as well.

Thanks...
Haley

When, in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for any of us to dissolve the emotional bonds which have connected any of us with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the seperate and equal stations to which the laws of nature and of nature's God entitle all of us, a decent respect to the emotions of our shared humanity requires that we should declare the causes which compel us to the seperation.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that each of us were created for a purpose, that we are endowed by some Higher Power with certain unalienable rights and responcibilities, that among these are to be treated in a way that makes us feel precious, to treat ourselves and others in a way that makes each feel precious, to be cared about in a way that makes us feel precious, to care about ourselves and others close to us in a way that makes each feel precious, a life's pursuit of all things meaningful, and an acceptance of others' life pursuit of all things meaningful.

That to secure these rights and responcibilities families were instituted among us by some Higher Power, deriving their function-ality from the will of each family member.  That whenever any member(s) of the family or the entire family becomes destructive to these ends, it is within our rights and responcibilities to alter or abolish any association with those family members, and to institute a new family, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing itself in such form that seem most likely to secure and restore all such sacred rights and responcibilities to their original form and function.

I was looking at some photos from my birthday from back in May, today. I came across one that really struck me. It was a woman who personified happiness. She had eyes that sparkled. She had a smile that was genuine and contagious. She looked like she was happy. 100% genuinely happy. The feeling I had looking at her was like the feeling I get  looking at my young nieces, you had no choice but to laugh along in enjoyment of someone who was so innocently full of joy.

She looked like she slept peacefully every night. She looked like she woke up and greeted the day with excitement and hope. She looked like she took time to groom herself everyday and put on make-up. She looked like she picked out clothing that made her feel beautiful and sexy and strong. She looked like she went out with friends. She looked like she had dates with intelligent men that she held her own with. Come to think of it, she looked like she knew how to hold her own everywhere. She looked like she cooked dinner at her home and had her friends over often. She looked like she kept an uncluttered house that gave her much peace. She looked like she danced whenever the music moved her. She looked like she took time to write and read and create. She looked like she went outside and enjoyed the city she lived in. She looked like she worked out and ate wise foods that kept her body healthy. She looked like someone everyone liked and wanted to know. Her joy seemed effortless. She became my new role model.

I wasn't jealous of her, I just wanted to be her and have some of what she was living with. In the past I have gone days without showering, washing my face, or brushing my teeth. I have fished clothes out of the laundry bin or off the floor and worn them wrinkled, hole-y, stained. I don't really wear make-up that often, and I mainly pull my hair back into a pony tail because its quicker. I love to dance but rarely do it. I have wanted to write poetry, novels, even just in my journal ,and I never really get around to it. with any regularity. My home is filled with magazines and books I bought but never read.  I eat junk food more than I want to. I struggle to get to the gym and my extra 40 pounds of weight shows this struggle loud and clear. I have a problem with clutter and hoarding and have to hop around my apartment. to avoid stepping on things. I haven't seen my floor clear of clutter for a while.  I haven't had anyone over in a few years now ,and actually forgot how to buzz in the fast food delivery guy because I hadn't had to buzz in anyone for a long time. I rarely date. I don't really feel confident. I am always thinking that everyone else can see the "real me," that I define as unattractive, fat, lazy, incest survivor whose perpetrating brother has disowned her; The adult child of an alcoholic, a clutterer and compulsive overeater. A woman from an abusive and dysfunctional family that will never be healed enough to live a life of serenity with me, since I am the only one who is actively seeking recovery through the 12 steps and therapy.With all of this I feel so far away from my role model that I often wonder if I will ever live her kind of life.

Now here is the irony...the girl in the photograph  was me. THE GIRL IN THE PHOTOGRAPH WAS ME. I didn't even recognize myself like that. I realized while studying this photo that I am all those things. They are there in full color print. I used the photo for an online profile and all of my friends commented on how great I look so I know I wasn't imagining it. I am the person God wanted me to be. I am capable of the life and path God has willed for me. I just never realized that I was living it when I wasn't watching.

My therapist and I were talking last week about how what I think I project into the world and what I am really projecting are two different things. I told her how some people from my 12 step meeting had said they saw me as a "happy girl" and "attractive" and that I had a "sensuality about me." These comments have been coming up a lot these past two weeks. Another friend said that she admired the way I like to do and try new things fearlessly. She said she admired ME.

I have to imagine that this revelation is my higher power wanting me to know that I am on the path that is intended for me. That my recovery will lead me into that life that was always meant for me. That it is possible for me to be an incest survivor, disowned by her older brother perpetrator, dealing with her parents who have never nor will ever be in recovery, but that I can ALSO be attractive, sexy, well groomed, conscientious without being self conscious. I can stop cluttering, and overeating and doing anything harmful to myself. I can be gregarious and lead an interesting full life.

Tomorrow I am printing that photo of my new role model, ME. I am asking my higher power to continue to work miracles in my life that bring me to the life intended for me. I love that girl and can't wait to know her better and even completely. I pray that all of my fellows in recovery get the chance to have this miracle as well.

I may risk offending some with my post, but I am being triggered in a big way, and I need to share about it. 

This whole Michael Jackson death, and the global and US mourning that is going on, is very upsetting to me as a survivor of sexual abuse.  It seems to me that the public and the media are suffering from a collective head injury with memory loss of the boys that accused him of molestation back in the 1990's and even in 2004!  I often don't even watch the news because stories of child abduction, child abuse, and familicide are very triggering to me. But I haven't been able to escape this frenzy of grief everyone but me, and a select few others I've talked to, is feeling.  At work last night, my co-worker, who actually agrees with me in part (because he is a fan of his earlier music), was reading all sorts of things on the internet from when the charges were brought against MJ, and the subsequent multi-million dollar payoffs.  One link from NBC Dateline was particularly disturbing to me.  And I have found myself just teaming with all this rage.

I am so disgusted anyway at the complacency of our society when it comes to a child's/person's disclosure of abuse.  Children just don't make this kind of stuff up, as we all know too well (sadly).  I don't care if MJ is famous and had loads of money, I just can't believe that a number of boys would lie about something like that.  And, two of the boys in 1993 were willing to testify against him until the money was brought in to the picture and thier parents settled!  So, there is no way that they can ever tell the truth now and be believed, thanks to their parents and thier motives, actions, and what seems to me complacency in the abuse of their own children.  It's sick.  And it hits too close to home for me.  Though I believe my mom didn't really know about the abuse, my dad still made many comments that should have tipped her off (even she has admitted this to me and apologized to me for it).  Parents are supposed to protect thier children, not subject them to abusive situations, even if it does involve a mega-star!!!

And how can anyone think it's okay for a thirty-something man to sleep in the same bed as a pre-teen or teen-age boy???  EVER?  Under ANY circumstances??  Has the world gone mad?  Some of these boys' parents KNEW about this and didn't do anything about it!  How does this happen?  Oh,yeah, the money.  Even more disgusting.  No amount of money will ever undo the damage done to those boys.  Just like no amount of money the Catholic Church has paid out will undo the damage done.  At least the Catholic Church has removed the gag order included in those settlements so that the victims can talk about what happened to them.  MJ did not do that.  Every one of his overnight guests had to sign a statement that they would never discuss anything that happened when they were guests at Neverland.  How has our society come to the place where, even a superstar, seems to have carte blanche to do whatever he wants and never be held accountable.  And I know that he was aquitted in 2005 on charges, but that doesn't matter to me.  He has never once said "I did not engage in sexual acts with a child".  That is what I would say if I were accused and I were innocent.  Not once!!!  He has said he is innocent, but everyone is innocent until proven guilty, so in my book, that doens't count as a denial of the many, many charges.  My dad would have said he was 'innocent'.  I'm sure most of our abusers would never admit to the sexual abuse as wrong, because offenders don't really believe that they are wrong.  Somehow, in their minds, it's okay to do what they want to a child, or they believe the child wanted it, or whatever other excuse they can come up with.  What makes MJ so different??? Nothing.  He's a star, so what?  He's a human being and he's limited and capable of atrocities.  As we all are.

I am very much in a state of anger.  I'm angry again that I was abused, I'm angry that I never spoke out until 8 years ago. I'm angry that so many of us were abused and so many more are being abused.  I am just angry!

Thanks for listening.

....are the best, and you hear them when you need them most. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rkwU92ak07Q

Blessings ~ Deirdre 

This step links belief in a Higher Power to ridding ourselves of debilitating consequences and treating ourselves with respect, compassion and acceptance.

I strive to respect and accept myself. I constantly struggle to rid myself of the debilitating consequences of the abuse. I go to therapy and take medications but rarely do I pray for help. I feel bulwarked against God much like I have placed a wall between my parents and myself. The two walls are the same; placed there to protect myself from loss and betrayal. How can I trust God? The Church talks about forgiveness. It seems like another act of betrayal to me: a way to minimize what happened and place it all in the past. I cannot suppress what happened. I found two quotes from the Bible on the Internet. This is what they say:

2 Corinthians 12:9-10
"But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 10That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

Mark 4:37-41
"A furious squall came up, and the waves broke over the boat, so that it was nearly swamped. Jesus was in the stern, sleeping on a cushion. The disciples woke him and said to him, "Teacher, don't you care if we drown?"
He got up, rebuked the wind and said to the waves, "Quiet! Be still!" Then the wind died down and it was completely calm.
He said to his disciples, "Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?"
They were terrified and asked each other, "Who is this? Even the wind and the waves obey him!"

I don’t understand how the grace of God comes from us accepting our weakness. I don’t understand why turmoil is needed to bring about faith in God.

I’m getting ready to break down the barrier between my parents and myself to confront them about what happened. How can I also break the barrier I have made between God and myself?

Anoche mi prometida me llamo a las 9.00pm, me sorprendi un poco porque yo tenia que llamarla a las 11.00pm.
me alegro recibir esta llamada sorpresiva, ella me dijo que la noche anterior no habia ido a dormir.
pero que aun tenia energia para hablar, sin embargo hablamos unos minutos, yo le decia cosas muy tiernas y de un momento a otro ya no escuche su voz.
Cuando esto ocurrio senti un ataque de ansiedad muy fuerte, y llegaron sentimientos de traicion y abandono.
Se que ella estaba cansada y que se quedo dormida.

Sentia otravez un fuerte sentimiento de traicion, y queria huir de la relacion, casi escribo una carta a ella diciendole que me ausentaria por mucho tiempo.
entonces llore mucho, y el sentimiento de ser herida y lastimada surgio como Iceberg en el mar.
la llame a su telefono movil, en repetidas ocasiones.
recorde lo que me ocurrio con una chica que ame mucho, yo la llamaba y ella no contestaba su telefono, porque estaba con otra persona.
Mi prometida me dice que es fiel a mi, y siento que ella lo dice con mucha sinceridad.
Se que mis sentimientos de traicion estan muy ligados al incesto, porque las personas que ame mis padres, mi abuelo, y tio, me traicionaron abusando de mi en muchas formas.
Se racionalmente que estos sentimientos son efectos del abuso, pero emocionalmente no lo siento.
Me siento impotentente y creo que empezare a trabajar el primer paso de nuevo, aunque no se como se hace porque tengo este paso en un libros pero esta en Ingles
Y tengo que buscar a alguien que me ayude a traducirlo.

Does everyone on here realize the spiritual power that they have in them due to these atrocities that have happened to them in the past?
I study metaphysics, religion, and spirituality.  I used to practice magic, at least I thought I did, then I realized it was just me using my powerful mind.  Then I realized that I had been doing it my whole life. 
This power most people dont have.  Or they dont know how to use it.
I then realized that so many powerful people have been molested (Oprah Winfrey for one, and a whole lot of my friend/lovers/ex-lovers).  Alot of spiritual leaders have been abused.  It seems to give the person IMMENSE coping strategies which are really the use of energy in their minds. 
I just know that I can mentally make whatever I want happen.  If it is God's will, it turns out great, if it is not, it doesn't turn out so great.  It is almost never on my timing either, but it happens. 
and it is hard being this way.  I think in the bible it says something like this road is not easy.  But man when you are feeling down, try to remember how much power you really have.

May sound crazy but it has helped me in alot of ways (and got me in alot of trouble too ;)

Hoy en la madrugada hablaba con mi prometida.
Entiendo sus sentimientos entiendo que significa ser abusado sexualmente
Lloramos juntas, y ahora siento mucha tristeza.
No fui a una cita con uno de mis clientes me siento muy deprimida, y he faltado a unas citas cuando estoy muy deprimida.
La asistente de la oficina me llamo esta mañana.
Ella es una persona muy agresiva emocionalmente, y ella siempre esta mirando cuando alguien se equivoca para buscar la forma de que despidan a las personas.
Siento mucho dolor aun estoy sola, mis padres no son personas enlas cuales yo sienta apoyo.
La unica persona en la que puedo confiar es en mi prometida.
quiero respetar sus sentimientos, y quiero sanar de mi dolor, quiero dejar de sentir tanto dolor y desesperanza.
Siempre he sentido que he estado en un campo de batalla, y que siempre debo estar alerta a un peligro que se aproxima.
Estoy cansada de tanta miseria, de tanta mierda que ha existido en mi vida.
ver la magnitud del abuso y maltrato me genera mucho dolor.
Hoy tengo que ir a mi trabajo, pues mi produccion ha sido baja este mes.
No deseo ir, pero debo hacerlo ya que la compañia esta exigiendo que sus empleados produzcan dinero
a ellos no les importa mis sentimientos ni salud mental, solo les importa que yo produzca para ellos mucho dinero.
Y cuando estaba en la universidad a nadie le importaba mi dolo, solo les importaba que yo produciera mucho conocimiento.

might be triggering!!!!!!


please don't be alarmed by this messege. i am just  venting...
almost ready to give up on this world. there is a part of me that dosen't want life.
doesn't want to be among humans who are so destructive to me.

 i feel haunted, burried- soul and spirit in a dark place that  i can't take anymore...
crying out for help is hard to do but my soul cries out to god... i cant suffer  this anymore.

had the worst nightmare that shook me. it showed me what it meant to grow up in my family.
can't share it right now.
did they destroy my ability to love and be loved? can't feel any feeling.

i realized the severeness of my abuse and i can't take the pain. i numb it.

what do i do? what can i do?

this life doesn't belong to me. they robbed parts of my soul, tore it apart like wolves.
had no place to hide.

how i mask everything and go on is beyond my understanding.
want to stop the race and lean back but afraid i might fall.

am so drained. tonight ended a project at work succesfuly. what a cover up.
 i realized my worst fear is for someone to find out what i went through.
i hold on tight. so tight it kills me.

i make it impossible for anyone to  get close, so nothing slips out...
what a life. what a punishment.

i hate this imprisonment.
will i ever be alive?

dear friends,

i am so happy and grateful to tell you i found a sponsor to help me online to start the program...

this comes at a time when each day i  struggle to breath and function.

so i realy consider it an answer to prayer.

need all the help i can get.
 
searched all my life for healing. hope this is coming because i can't take the pain anymore.

thanks for listening
 may

i just had an idea, don't know what you guys would think about it, well, how about if we made a weekly/monthly prayer list with our requests for prayer support, post it and then make online prayer meetings about these?

doesn't have to be long, and can be in shifts... arrange prayer-teams

i am thinking about  the verse from the bible "i have set watchmen upon your walls... jerusalem..."  and i belive the meaning is spiritual, and we can use prayers.

i know i need to be prayed for  and i need prayer-mates...


another question i have is about how this group works the 12 steps?
and what about people like me who need to start from step 1?

hope some of you would like to pray together somehow... it can be interesting how survivers from any part of the world  would pray together...

i don't mind being the cooridnator. i just can't start this month cause i am loaded with work
may

i feel like a ghost.

came back just now from a wedding of a cousin. a small fountain of tears started on the way back and now turned into a flood.
can't stand the pain.

i have two brothers and they both know about the abuse our father made me go through.
they used to say they want to support me but now they pretty much shun me. my sister in law does too. i feel like a "reject".

both my brothers used to mock me along with my dad as we were growing up. one of them was verbaly abusive.
they all took their frustrations out on me. they mocked my faith in god. they made me feel ashamed of my faith.

i had hoped for support from one of my brothers, who invites my mom and me every week for dinner to visit my nephew.
but he does not even ask me how i am. he used to help me and listen but not anymore.

i keep telling myself that it is because he has a fairly new buisness and works hard, and also a first son.
i understand that, yet i am still his sister.
tried to ask what's if there's someting wrong i did. he denied. tried to say i'm hurt by him ignoring me- he said it isn't personal.

 they both ignore me. they look through me and the same was tonight. it is so painful. i can't get over it.
their criticial views remind me so much of my dad. and most of all i hate the fact that i am still trying to gain their approval.
i feel sick...

on the way my brother told me there is a guy he wants me meet. he said he is a nice, succesful, rich man. they have buisness connections. hw made a remark about it being a great trade-off to get me to be with this guy...

i don't get it. he treats me like air and now he wants to fix me with someone?? he didn;t bother ask me if i am interested...
am i an object to trade?

am i turning something good that he is trying to do for me to bad? it's so confusing.
am i seeing my father in him  and over-reacting?

god, i wish i could move to another country. but i don't have the strength and emotional capacity . i feel i am falling apart..

i want to call my brother and tell him with sarcasm that i am not for sale... i know he will excuse it off somehow.

it seems like forgiving them and shunning them is the best way to deal with it. since it is not a relationship that supports my healing or at all.

that's why i don't want him to match me up with a friend of his or such. don't want to be around them too much honestly...

what can i even give to a man? my haunted soul? my split personality? who would want to be with someone with such a dark scar?

forgive me for the long message and the hard words
may

last week was great. i was looking for a job and got accepted in two different places !
i felt good but then i lost my calm and confidence and motivation.
feeling as if maybe the trust i earned was unjustified. feeling like i can't carry the job well enough, feeling like they only see my mask.

and on the inside i am realy lazy, flakey and only managed to fake it.
as if my experience and credits don't realy belong to me, and if they do they aren't that great...

i seem to talk myself down all the time.

at the same time i wonder if it is right for me or i am missing something.
god, why do i have to make it so complicated?

i wanted someone to be happy for me but my family brushed it off. didn't even care to ask about my new job.

i feel so detached and unimportant. just out of this world.
don't know where i belong and what i am meant for.

thought that a decsent job would make me feel worthy but nothing does...

i feel as if i am sitting at the bottom of a deep dark hole...and my inside is screaming from pain.
it is a hell on earth, yet i am surviving it.
i just want to scream and scream and scream out loud..
i want to shout it out. but my words are gone.
all day long i was tired and slept and dreamed about the abuse, about me telling my cousin that it happened.

then i had a long conversation with a friend who is new in my life, but i love and feel good with.
i told her.
she is supportive. we talked about what it is like to hear of something like that.
i asked her if it scared her. she wasn't.

god, there is a part of me that wants to murder my attacker and i am not ashamed about it anymore.
i couldn't do anything to protect myself at the time.

i want this dirt to come off and to come out. god created me pure.
i should have never been torchered that way...

i want to live. i want to be free. i want to heal.
he has taken my soul away and now i want it back!

my memories are still vague but something is happening, it's coming up i guess...

thank you and thank god for being here for me, with me in this "valley of the shadow of death..."