Shark Challenge: Out of Sight, mature, McShep
Title: Out of Sight
Author: magus_minor
Challenge: Shark
Pairing: in a very messed up way, McShep
Rating: mature for various reasons, and I'd be obliged if you'd take this seriously.
Spoilers: for everything aired up to now
Disclaimer: I don't own them and make no money off this.
Summary: John's jerking off
Notes: How dark can you go? I was thinking about Critical Mass, and dark!John and this came out. Now excuse me, I'll be hudding under my blanket with all the lights on. Sometimes I scare myself.

Out of Sight

Oh, the shark has pretty teeth, dear
And he shows them pearly white.
Just a jack knife has Macheath, dear
And he keeps it out of sight.

- The Threepenny Opera, Bertold Brecht/Kurt Weill, English by Marc Blitzstein


It makes John Sheppard laugh in the privacy of his own mind, that he has turned out to be the hero of Atlantis. The hero of Elizabeth Weir, who prides herself on her diplomatic skills and her ability to read people. The hero of Teyla Emmagen, who follows his leadership and seeks to educate him in the ways of her people. The hero of Aiden Ford, who used to crush on him, his leader and role model. The hero of Ronon Dex, who needs orders, his orders, like he needs air to breathe and who gets off on it. The hero of Carson Beckett, who in his own feeble way tries to stand up against him and fails, and in failing raises John higher than he's ever been. The hero of Radek Zelenka, whose terror of going off-world blinds him to the truth.

He leans back against the wall, raking his nails up his inner thigh. The sounds from the speakers are fueling his arousal, burning him.

Yes, it's a laugh. None of them have even caught a glimpse of what is underneath. None of them have the slighest idea what John Sheppard is truly capable of. Not that he will ever show them, oh no. It's not as if he wants to look at it himself.

The famous black mark? He deserved that - and no matter what the official reason, the officers at his court martial knew full well why they posted him to Antarctica. They couldn't prove it, couldn't prove that something in him just shorted out, and that he wanted blood. By the time he came back to himself, he tried to rescue those soldiers, but of course, it was far, far too late.

Since then he's become more careful. He's kept himself on a tighter leash than ever before, and there have been only a few slips. Nothing big. Nothing that couldn't be reasoned away, like sixty Genii all at once. Or that he agreed to torture Kavanagh. Or the Wraith baiting. Even hitting Rodney and putting him down was understandable. After all, Rodney had betrayed him first.

But it's only a question of time until he loses it again. Until the knife comes out and he - there's a scream from the speaker. He jumps, sits up, stares at the screen. This is the best part.

This is - better than porn. And he supposes he should feel guilty. But he can't quite manage it. Because it gets him so hard. It makes him come like nothing else he's ever had, and in his more lucid moments he hates that about himself. That something where not even one of the participants takes their clothes off is better than the best ever blowjob.

John's lived with this all his life. The only thing that makes it go away for a while is flying. But he can't fly twenty-four hours a day, and he can't drink enough to lose the edge. So he sits here with a surveillance video on repeat, and gets off on it. He's done this a dozen times, and it's not getting old. He's made copies of the file to make sure it can't be erased accidentally. He locks the doors and turns off the comm, and he makes sure nobody can ever disturb him while he's doing this. Getting caught jerking off would be bad enough. Getting caught jerking off to this - he'd be lucky if Elizabeth didn't throw him through the gate into nowhere.

Yes, they're almost there. The image gets blurred for a moment, that's part of it, then he can see it. A leer, another question, and oh yes, knife and red, and oh God, this is so good. Then that expression, that look of total helplessness, of pain, here come the tears, the moment of breaking - John's coming, hand stilled on his cock, but he doesn't need anything else, he can come from just this look.

The video goes on, and he lies there, eyes closed, as a sobbing voice spills secrets, interspersed with begging, a gentle torturer asking for clarifications, softly, and John shudders. Turns off the laptop, gets up and washes.

The John Sheppard in the mirror is an ordinary man, nothing special about him. Nothing to tell that he's just jerked off to the video of Rodney McKay being tortured by Kolya of the Genii, and that this was the best sex he's ever had.

In an hour, he'll go to work, he'll cheer Elizabeth up, and train with Teyla and Ronon. He'll drop by the infirmary for a chat with Beckett, and he'll joke with Zelenka about the planet of the kids. He'll miss Ford, and mention that occasionally.

And he'll snark at Rodney and Rodney will snark back, and will have no idea what John has done in the hours after midnight. The knife stays out of sight as ever.

A part of John wonders what will happen if Rodney ever finds the knife.

End.