Miss Vanilla (![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} return_to_me) wrote in ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/community.gif){kind=small} sextips,@ 2006-08-13 23:26:00 |
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Miss Vanilla's Guide to Being a Mistress
Update: My friend added some magic HTML jumpy thingies, and I've generally organized stuff and added stuff too!
Hi all. I've been lurking about for a while, and I decided to make a new account and post this thing I've been working on. :) I hope it's appropriate for this group: It's called "Miss Vanilla's Guide to Being a Mistress". It's really just a collection of ideas and suggestions that have come to me as I learn more about dominating boys, now that I have dommed a few. I'm no expert at sex or psychology, but I'd like to share my thoughts, and maybe even inspire a few "vanilla" couples to try out this fun and sexy thing called female domination ;P. It sounds intimidating at first, but with some creativity and communication it can be the sexiest and most rewarding thing you do with your guy.
btw, this is pretty much a consatnt work in progress, so PLEASE post your comments! If you don't mind me adding your thoughts to the guide, say so, and I will add them and give you credit!
Table of Contents
I call it "Miss Vanilla's" guide because I really want to give people who don't consider themselves kinky a chance to enjoy this. When I first started getting into it, I was awfully confused and intimidated by the idea of being "dominant." Would I lose my femininity? Would it make my man less masculine? Would it sour our non-sexual relationship? I will approach all of this from the perspective of someone beginning a new, as best as I can. If you've been at this for a while, feel free to skip around. There's a "General" section, a "Techniques" section and a "Specific kinks" section. If nothing else, I suggest you experienced readers look through "Specific kinks" - maybe it'll give you a few ideas!
Femdom encompasses a lot of things, and I'd like to touch on them all. First, I have a section that should be read by you and your man. After that, only the lady should read, so no surprises are ruined, and no secrets are revealed. :)
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Female domination is, first and foremost, about the woman's satisfaction. Before we get up in arms about sexism, allow me to explain my logic. It's not about switching the tables or challenging gender roles (unless you want it to be, anyway). Having the woman control sex ends up in more satisfying and intimate sex for both parties. It's not your fault, guys - you're just built to be in-and-out. It's not always this way!! there are talented and sensitive male doms out there, but that's another guide. I'm not going to go too much further into detail here, because a lot of it will become clearer later.
Before I go on, here are the rules that lady and man should read together, and understand!
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1.) Guys, some of you are into some pretty intense stuff. Ladies, you probably don't know it, but your man is probably into something weird and kinky (which is fine, if not encouraged). Guys, I know it's awkward and difficult to let things like that out to your woman. However, just because she says she's interested in femdom doesn't mean you get to dump it all on her at once. This isn't about you.... not at first, anyway. Be patient. Be honest. When I first dommed my boyfriend, he dropped a hundred fetishes on me, and I freaked out! Years later, in another relationship, I grew to deeply enjoy many of the fetishes that so disgusted me earlier on. Patience, timing and sensitivity are key.
2.) Remember: The woman comes first! (You can take that literally if you want ;P ;P.) If she decides to end a scene, or that she's not comfortable, or that you're done for the night, it's OVER. This is especially important to remember when you are trying to follow rule 3:
3.) There is a dynamic that happens in dominant/submissive relationships sometimes called "topping from the bottom". This is when the submissive/pet/etc. doesn't exactly command, but whines, complains, suggests, implies or uses some other way to exert control over the situation. Avoid this! Avoid this, avoid this, avoid this! It ruins EVERYTHING, even if it doesn't seem that way at first. It's hard enough to get the hang of femdom in the first place without passive-aggresion playing a part.
This INCLUDES the sub trying to instigate or extend scenes outside the dom's intention. Ladies, be firm with your guys: When the scene's over, it's OVER. Whether he got off or not! Things like this are up to discussion, but being sneaky doesn't work out.
Those are my three main rules, really. Girls, the rest of this is all for YOU! :D
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So, you've decided you are going to dom your guy. What now? The first step is to just think about what kinds of things you're interested in, or would like to try. If you can't really think of anything specific, that's OK - it will come to you!. As you play with your man, remember that you should be taking mental notes - what turns him on? You can talk with him about it, too. What are things he absolutely will not do? What are things he doesn't really want to do, but isn't completely opposed to?
Now, before you really start, get used to your role. Everyone doms differently. all you really need to know is that you're a dom now! Now you're boss. What you say, goes. You can get your way with brute force, or by making your victim helpless. You can induce helplessness with seduction, or ropes, or pain, or pleasure. You can get your way by extorting your man with his own orgasms (that's one of my favorites. I'll get into that soon. ;) However you do it, have fun! Oh, and look out for your new pet, too.
I'll split the rest up into the different techniqes you can use while domming, starting with "in general". Feel free to skip around.
In general: As I mentioned two paragraphs ago, everyone has their own domming style. Consider yourself an artiste (that's ar-TEEST), and youre man as your sexy canvas. In general, you want your man to KNOW that you are in control, and that he is your utterly helpless love slave.
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Techniques! What are some fun ways to let your man know that you're in control?
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One of the easiest ways to get started is by tying him up. Pros: He's physically helpless, so you get to focus on breaking his will with your sexiness. Cons: His hands aren't free, so you have to take a very active role - you can't easily kill time telling him to pleasure you with his hands!
Some prefer a more subtle method of inducing physical helplessness by seducing him first. I know a particularly sexy and talented mistress who can bring her slave to his knees with no more than a tone of voice! Now THAT'S hot.
While your man is helpless or subdued, you can tease or torture him acording to taste. ;) You can tease him with your hands and mouth, carressing his whole body, or have a little fun with toys - hot wax, ice cubes, clothespins! Try everything once. You're bound to find something that you both find REALLY hot and fun.
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Now that you're the boss, you control your man's pleasure, and his orgasms. Practice stimulating him to the edge of release, keeping him there, and letting him down without cumming. Practice doing this without him telling you when he's on the edge - early mistakes are OK, because if you can tell when he's about to orgasm, you have him in the palm of your hand! If you're not feeling very sensitive, you can command him not to come and to tell you before he does (this is less trustworthy than sensing it yourself though!) Remember - lots of different ways to do the same thing!!
Teasing & denial is a great way to start other kinks you might want to try. Once you've brought him to the edge and down five or six times, he will most likely be putty. As soon as you whisper, "Now then... if you want to be given the privilege of orgasm, you'll have to..." he'll be all ears!
Definitely flex your domming muscles in this field, it's one of the most fun and rewarding kinks. Don't be alarmed if your man tells you that orgasms you give him after tease & denial are more intense: that's how it works! Additionally, this can add a lot of flame to a dying sex life - if orgasms aren't guaranteed, things are a lot more exciting.
You can make teasing & denial long term. This can be one of THE MOST intense parts of a kinky sex life. There are hundreds of different specific approaches, but the general concept is the same: "I am your Mistress. I control your cock, your orgasms and your pleasure. You don't get even a mote of satisfaction without my permission." It's very visceral and sexy. It can work well on its own, or with other techniques/fetishes. Maybe your man is only allowed one orgasm a week, or month... or year!
A few weeks before my boyfriend's most recent birthday, I told him what his gift would be: The most intense orgasm I have given him yet. Naturally, he was excited, and intrigued. Of course, I immediately pulled the rug out from under him: His orgasm was going to be intense because he wasn't going to cum for two weeks before hand, and I was going to be teasing him the whole time!
Those were an extremely fun two weeks. I nipped problems in the bud by making it clear to him that whining and complaining would push his orgasm back to his NEXT birthday. I decided to throw in a few other kinks, though: The night before his birthday we went out to see a movie. I was completely chaste the entire day, and throughout the first half of the movie, making him think I had finally laid off... but right in the middle of the movie, I pulled a plastic bag out of my purse, handed it to him, and said... "Go to the men's room, put these on and come back."
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Inside the plastic bag (see above paragraph) were a vibrating cockring and an inflatable, vibrating buttplug. As he walked off shuddering, I grabbed his leg and said, "Make sure I can reach all of the *important parts*" - the three little controllers!
Before, I continue, first rule of public teasing: DON'T INVOLVE ANYONE WHO HASN'T GIVEN THEIR EXPLICIT CONSENT. This means no indecent exposure, no having your man walk up to a random woman and tell her about the sexy misery you're inflicting on him. This is disrespectful and unacceptable.
OK, back to the fun part. My boy was in a delicious position: Seated in the middle of a (kind of unpopulated, but definitely public) movie theater, with two toys hidden away beneath his jeans. The pump and the vibrator controls for the toys were all within my reach, in his pockets or under his shirt. This is a pretty intense example of public teasing, but boy, was it fun. I would turn everything all the way up highest and then off again, I'd slowly build up until he was almost sobbing. I asked him if he thought the female lead of the movie was hot, and then every time she came on screen, I pumped his plug up again. (I made sure not to go too strong on the vibrating ring, because he wasn't allowed to orgasm till his birthday!) By the end of the movie, he was almost mindless with desperation.
You don't have to go that crazy - you can sneak a hand under his jeans during a movie, make him wear a toy under his clothes, or whisper sexy-isms in his ear when you pass him during the day. Have fun with it!
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This sounds intimidating, but trust me - "play" is as meaningful in this case as "pain". You can "punish" your man with whips, nipple clamps, clothespins, spankings, or by just twisting and nibbling his nipples with your fingers and teeth.
So, what's the difference between "punishment" and PUNISHMENT? Remember what I said before about knowing your man's hard limits (what he just WON'T do), his "soft" limits (what he'd rather not do - or in this case, have done) and the things that just plain old turn him on? This is where that comes into play.
For a lot of men, "punishment" is its own reward - I know my man REALLY gets off on having his nipples tortured and being whipped, but that spankings aren't really his thing. So, when I'm feeling playful and he's been a good boy, I can find something silly to "punish" him for, and bring out the clothespins! However, if he displeases me by orgasming without permission (a SERIOUS offense), I will spank him.
The eroticism comes from two different places here: For things your man "enjoys", he's being directly turned on by your ministrations. For things that are "soft limits" - things he'd rather not do - the sexiness comes from the fact that it doesn't MATTER what he wants. YOU are the Mistress, and if YOU want to spank him as punishment, that's what he gets.
Understand the difference between things that turn on your man, and his "soft limits". Also, we're going to learn another golden rule of being a dom:
When you punish (not "punish") your man, NEVER BE ACTUALLY ANGRY. I repeat, IF YOU ARE EVER REALLY ANGRY AT YOUR MAN, THEN IS NOT THE TIME TO DOM HIM. Sit down. Talk it out. "Real world" issues have NO PLACE in the bedroom. There is a huge, HUGE difference between femdom as a kink and femdom as a lifestyle choice. The latter has almost nothing to do with this document. On to the fun stuff again.
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I haven't seen this formally documented or discussed elsewhere, but it's one of my absolute favorite things to inflict on my pet. It's very simple: I lead him on and make him beg for something, and then I make him REGRET IT! Nothing says "I know what's best" than, "You're getting what you wished for and now you regret it...... shouldn't you have listened to me in the first place?"
This works anywhere you can fit it in: Make him beg you to touch him and then don't let him cum, or bring him to the edge and down two, five, ten, or twenty times! Does your man leap at the chance to be dominated because you always tease his nipples and use your mouth on him, and he loves it? Make him beg you to dom him and whip him instead, or cover his balls in clothespins. "Isn't this what you wanted, baby? I'm dominating you!"
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Let's face it: Your man thinks you're hot. Now you're going to use that to your utter advantage! Make him DESPERATE. Caress his entire body - with your fingers, your tongue, or your feet! Trace your fingertips up his inner thighs. Trace spirals around his penis but don't touch it yet. Tease his butt, if you're into that kind of thing (more on that later). Lick, suck and bite his nipples. Tease his dick with your mouth. Exhale deeply into his ear, and suck his earlobes. Be sexy, and he WILL be yours!
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Everyone says that a woman's most potent sex organ is her mind, but this works for guys, too. A talented mistress who knows her boy can bring him to his knees without laying a finger on him. At first, talking dirty will feel really uncomfortable and silly, but the more you do it and the more you get "into character" as the mistress, the more rewarding and sexy it will get!
Talking dirty is a great way to use fetishes you know turn your man on to make him desperate, but it's also a good, sneaky method for searching for new ones that you can use to torture him. I would have never thought my man could ever be into butt play, but when I was using my mouth on him and rubbing his balls, I started massaging the area between his balls and his butt. (This will feel good for any guy regardless of his inhibitions - hit the right spot and you stimulate the prostate.) That got him to squirm and moan, so I just started teasing him: "You like the way that feels, huh? You like feeling my fingers there? Maybe I should slide them down a few inches and rub you from inside instead. What if I used a strapon instead of my fingers?" He was clearly a little shocked, but I also heard the telltale gasp of arousal. It was downhill from there. ;)
"Service me." Your pleasure comes first. Tell your man that there is NO WAY he has any chance of orgasming until you are satisfied. For every ten of your orgasms, he gets one. Or maybe just a CHANCE at one!
One of my favorite wicked things to do is say, "OK slave, you can be inside me... but you don't get to cum. You're going to fuck me until I say you're done. If you cum, you won't cum again for AT LEAST a week." Then I'll enjoy his hard work until I orgasm. If he simply can't come down from the edge enough to keep thrusting (or if I just can't cum that way tonight), I'll tell him, "You can only stop if..." next torture!
Every slave worth his salt knows how to pleasure his mistress with his tongue. As you leisurely recline and he goes to work, make his life difficult! Grab his hair and pull him into you. Slide your feet sensually over his back or sides. Tell him how much you're going to punish him if he displeases you. Abruptly wrap your thighs around his head and flip gradually over so you're sitting on his face!
Speaking of face sitting, that brings me to the next section of this guide: Specific kinks! I'll start with one that will weird you out.
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This is one I never, ever got until recently. How have men managed to sexualize the very roughest parts of our bodies? Our two feet, which tend to languish in shoes all day, gathering calluses and sweat. Gross! Maybe not. Just like the rest of our bodies, feet have curves, smooth parts and yes, even a distinct odor (that men find attractive in varying degrees of intensity, some after a shower only, others after a long day!).
What's in it for the lady? Biggest pro: Foot rubs. :) Also, if you've never had your toes sucked, TRY IT. Trust me! ;) Experiment with what parts of this kink really press your man's buttons and reward him with them. Punish him with the rest! Does he love to suck your toes but hate the manual labor of foot rubs? Make him earn his domination. "We'll start with a nice foot rub every night. Then, if you please me, you'll get the privilege of licking and sucking them."
A lot of men love to be surrounded, or even smothered, in the things that turn them on. I'll bring this up for several kinks, and feet is one of them. At least once, try this: Tell your pet that you're considering what to do to him tonight, and to kneel at or on the edge of the bed as you relax in front of him. Next, tease him with your feet! Rub them over his body. Pinch his nipple with your big toe. Another two hot spots to try: Penis, and face. Some men will be driven almost instantly to the edge by a so called "footjob". Others become a pile of sexy, submissive goo when you cup their face in your soles and pull them towards you. Sometimes I like to tell my pet, "You have to earn the rest of my body. All you get for now is my feet," as I rub them all about his face and the rest of his body.
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Everyone should get a chance to explore this THOROUGHLY. There's more to bondage than handcuffs and ankle cuffs. Hunt around online or visit a nearby store if applicable... get nice, comfy rope, learn to tie a few knots and go wild! Hogtie your man. Tie his arms to his thighs. Get a spreader bar. Have some spare ceiling space? Install a hook and tie him arms over head! There are also nifty kits for doing this with just a door. Buy a collar and secure his leash to a chain or belt around your waist so he can't help but service you with his tongue. Attach his nipple clamps to other parts of his body, so struggling yanks on them!
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I mentioned before that some men love to be smothered by their turn-ons: This may be the most potent example of that kink. I will start with a story :) One of my pets was incredibly resilient - he wasn't fazed by anything! One day on a whim, I decided to embarrass him by commanding him to kiss my ass. My finely tuned mistress sense detected a flicker of arousal, so I examined it! As he kissed my ass, I thrust back towards him. Ah! Was that a gasp I heard? I reached back, grabbed his hair and jammed his face into me, and he positively shuddered.
I immediately ordered him onto his back, and for the next fifteen minutes, I straddled his face and hovered over him, never actually sitting down. It was actually tough to keep up, because I REALLY wanted to grind against his face! Sometimes I came within inches, then I'd writhe back up again. When I finally sat all the way down on him, he gave such a moan and shudder that I was instantly aroused all over again, and almost literally couldn't stop myself from grinding against him until I came.
By the way, this kind of stuff works reasonably well clothed or not ;)
I can't really explain this fetish. I mean, sure --- guys like a sexy butt on a woman, but I can't explain why face sitting and "ass worship" (as it is often called) turn guys on so much. If youre into humiliating your man (see below), this can be another great domming tool. Not much is more embarrassing than being forced to kiss or lick your mistress's ass, or to beg for her to smother you with it!
When I first began to indulge in this kink there wree a few things that kept me away from it. One: I was worried about my man being able to breath! The arousal rush that comes from low oxygen notwithstanding, I didn't want him to pass out or anything. Fortunately, this is pretty much never a problem: I don't know about y'all but my man tends to writhe, squirm and moan when I sit on his face. Unless you are noticing a distinct lack of movement on his part, he's definitely A-OK (and probably enjoying himself.) If you're reallyw orried, you can shift around a lot to give him a chance to breathe.
Two: What's in it for us girls? The guy gets to be smothered in an utter turn-on, but what about us? At first I just didn't see it. After a while I started to get creative though. For one thing, I LOVE making my man beg. One of myf avorite beg-inducers is to lower myself over his face, but not quite sit, and to generally writhe, sidle and waver my ass about over him, never giving him what he really wants! After just a few minutes of this, you'll be able to FEEL the frustration roll off of him.
Another way to make it more fun is to add some pleasure to it. One technique I've never perfected is grinding against my man's face until I orgasm. Once in a while I can get the right angle, and it's VERY fun when I do. Otherwise you can just order him to lick you to orgasm as you sit over him. Iv'e also been known to hover over his face as I masturbate, with fingers or toy, so he can see and smell my arousal up close!
Final word on face-sitting: Positions. There are a lot of them, all fun! You can hook your legs under his biceps and armpits, facing his belly, and sit on his face. You can face the opposite way and get on your knees with a foot on either side of his face, and rest your hips on your heels so you can control exactly how much you're pressing. You can sit with your knees on his pecs, feet next to his ears. Finally, there's always position #1, but with your knees pinning his arms, or to either side of his body, instead of hooked under them.
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Guys are big and strong. They can handle themselves! So, why is it so sexy to be handled by your woman? For men, humiliation plays a (sometimes strong, sometimes tiny) role in submitting. The more comfortable your man is with his masculinity, the more you can humiliate him without worrying about actually hurting his feelings. One of my favorites to use on my pet is, "I was talking to ___mutual female friend___ today and thought about telling her how you love it when I sit on your face. I think she'd find it really interesting..."
This is a great way to play with your power. An important note, though: NEVER, ever, EVER bring ANYTHING actually outside the bedroom into real life unless you have both EXHAUSTIVELY discussed it. It's not only mean and abusive to your pet, but rude to whoever you decide to "come out" to - who says they wanted to hear about it in the first place? Everything that happens between you and your man should stay just there.
That said, have fun with it. Tease your man! "Your moans are so girly. I love getting them out of you." "You'd kiss my ass if I told you to, wouldn't you? In fact, go ahead. Kiss it. Kiss it all over. Beg me to smother you with it. No, pet! You haven't earned that fun yet." "You love being tied up and helpless, don't you? You love knowing that I can do anything I want to you, anything in the world!"
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"Sissy play" or "feminization". This ties in strongly with the humiliation aspect of femdom. Commanding your man to parade around in panties, or to wear them under his clothes during every day life, is a VERY wicked and embarrassing techniqe! Though not always connected to this particular fetish, shaving often plays a part: having your man shave his bits or legs is sure to make him feel girly! Another thing, like shaving, which is sometimes but not always related:
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"Anal play". This is a touchy subject. There are a million articles out there about why it isn't dirty or wrong, so I'm not going to write another one. If you are totally uncomfortable with the idea of penetrating your man's ass, skip this section. If he has described it as something he is simply utterly unwilling to do, skip this section.
Now that we're past that part, there are so many reasons to enjoy anal play. As mentioned above, it's a great addition to humiliation/sissy play, but that's almost the least fun part. For one thing, it feels REALLY GOOD for the guy. If you're into driving your man wild wiht pleasure, this is right up youre alley! In general, anal play is best practiced after a shower, but two hygeinic people have nothing to worry about, really.
If you are just getting started, lay down a shoddy towel, use lots of lube, go slow, and communicate! Those are the big rules. You can start out with just your fingers (with latex gloves, if either of you prefer.. i don't!)... sliding a palm-up finger (or two, or...) in all the way, with your man on his back, and making a "come hither" gesture will probably hit his prostate, and will probably drive him wild!
There are scads of toys you can use for this kind of fun. Butt plugs are great to experiment with, and you can have a LOT of fun with inflatable or vibrating ones. Inflatable plugs might be my favorite toys just because there asre so many wicked things you can do with them... one of my favorite things to do is put the pump in my pet's hand, sit on his face, start torturing his nipples as cruelly as I can with my fingers, and tell him "I won't be getting up until you've pumped it twelve times." Or to start sucking him off and command him to count from 1 to 5 over and over again, pumping it each time he hits 5... if he stops, I stop!
Another toy is strapons. This should be a staple if your even remotely interested in humiliation or sissy play, and I think every woman whose man enjoys anal play should at least try it once.
It got a while to get used to looking at myself in the mirror with a strapon. Eventually it started to make me feel, not masculine, but mischievous... powerful! I thought to myself, "Now I get to do the fucking." (i told that to my boy later, too. he liked it.) It's true that a lot of it is for the man's benefit, since we don't "feel" anything. Well, not physically, anyway! Personally it gives me a rush.
I admit that I really find the humiliation part to be a turn-on: almost nothing brings a man to his knees (physically AND mentally) than the idea of being pegged by his woman with a strapon. Sometimes, if I'm in a REALLY will-breaking mood, I'll force my pet to suck my strapon before I use it on him. Before I tried it the first time, I was worried it was too feminizing or mood-breaking, but I commanded it anyway, just to try it out. I knew I had made the right choice as soon as he made the adorable puppy dog face and whimpered, "You want me to w... what?" Zoinks... what a turn-on!
Oh, a final word on fun things to try with anal play: ICE! You heard me! Hold it in your hand for a little to make it smooth and slippery, tease his body with it, and slip it inside him! There's nothing quite compareable to the feeling it gives, and its fun to threaten your man with putting more in (my record is ten... oh, did he squirm!).
So, I have tried my best to outline some ideas. You could read this guide a thousand times, but really, the best way to be a sexy dom and to have a fun, rewarding sex life with your man is to communicate and try new things out. Pay attention to your man's turn-ons and turn-offs, and use them to make him miserable (or euphoric!).
So, what do you guys think?
Update: My friend added some magic HTML jumpy thingies, and I've generally organized stuff and added stuff too!
Hi all. I've been lurking about for a while, and I decided to make a new account and post this thing I've been working on. :) I hope it's appropriate for this group: It's called "Miss Vanilla's Guide to Being a Mistress". It's really just a collection of ideas and suggestions that have come to me as I learn more about dominating boys, now that I have dommed a few. I'm no expert at sex or psychology, but I'd like to share my thoughts, and maybe even inspire a few "vanilla" couples to try out this fun and sexy thing called female domination ;P. It sounds intimidating at first, but with some creativity and communication it can be the sexiest and most rewarding thing you do with your guy.
btw, this is pretty much a consatnt work in progress, so PLEASE post your comments! If you don't mind me adding your thoughts to the guide, say so, and I will add them and give you credit!
Table of Contents
I call it "Miss Vanilla's" guide because I really want to give people who don't consider themselves kinky a chance to enjoy this. When I first started getting into it, I was awfully confused and intimidated by the idea of being "dominant." Would I lose my femininity? Would it make my man less masculine? Would it sour our non-sexual relationship? I will approach all of this from the perspective of someone beginning a new, as best as I can. If you've been at this for a while, feel free to skip around. There's a "General" section, a "Techniques" section and a "Specific kinks" section. If nothing else, I suggest you experienced readers look through "Specific kinks" - maybe it'll give you a few ideas!
Femdom encompasses a lot of things, and I'd like to touch on them all. First, I have a section that should be read by you and your man. After that, only the lady should read, so no surprises are ruined, and no secrets are revealed. :)
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Female domination is, first and foremost, about the woman's satisfaction. Before we get up in arms about sexism, allow me to explain my logic. It's not about switching the tables or challenging gender roles (unless you want it to be, anyway). Having the woman control sex ends up in more satisfying and intimate sex for both parties. It's not your fault, guys - you're just built to be in-and-out. It's not always this way!! there are talented and sensitive male doms out there, but that's another guide. I'm not going to go too much further into detail here, because a lot of it will become clearer later.
Before I go on, here are the rules that lady and man should read together, and understand!
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Guidelines
1.) Guys, some of you are into some pretty intense stuff. Ladies, you probably don't know it, but your man is probably into something weird and kinky (which is fine, if not encouraged). Guys, I know it's awkward and difficult to let things like that out to your woman. However, just because she says she's interested in femdom doesn't mean you get to dump it all on her at once. This isn't about you.... not at first, anyway. Be patient. Be honest. When I first dommed my boyfriend, he dropped a hundred fetishes on me, and I freaked out! Years later, in another relationship, I grew to deeply enjoy many of the fetishes that so disgusted me earlier on. Patience, timing and sensitivity are key.
2.) Remember: The woman comes first! (You can take that literally if you want ;P ;P.) If she decides to end a scene, or that she's not comfortable, or that you're done for the night, it's OVER. This is especially important to remember when you are trying to follow rule 3:
3.) There is a dynamic that happens in dominant/submissive relationships sometimes called "topping from the bottom". This is when the submissive/pet/etc. doesn't exactly command, but whines, complains, suggests, implies or uses some other way to exert control over the situation. Avoid this! Avoid this, avoid this, avoid this! It ruins EVERYTHING, even if it doesn't seem that way at first. It's hard enough to get the hang of femdom in the first place without passive-aggresion playing a part.
This INCLUDES the sub trying to instigate or extend scenes outside the dom's intention. Ladies, be firm with your guys: When the scene's over, it's OVER. Whether he got off or not! Things like this are up to discussion, but being sneaky doesn't work out.
Those are my three main rules, really. Girls, the rest of this is all for YOU! :D
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Getting Started
So, you've decided you are going to dom your guy. What now? The first step is to just think about what kinds of things you're interested in, or would like to try. If you can't really think of anything specific, that's OK - it will come to you!. As you play with your man, remember that you should be taking mental notes - what turns him on? You can talk with him about it, too. What are things he absolutely will not do? What are things he doesn't really want to do, but isn't completely opposed to?
Now, before you really start, get used to your role. Everyone doms differently. all you really need to know is that you're a dom now! Now you're boss. What you say, goes. You can get your way with brute force, or by making your victim helpless. You can induce helplessness with seduction, or ropes, or pain, or pleasure. You can get your way by extorting your man with his own orgasms (that's one of my favorites. I'll get into that soon. ;) However you do it, have fun! Oh, and look out for your new pet, too.
I'll split the rest up into the different techniqes you can use while domming, starting with "in general". Feel free to skip around.
In general: As I mentioned two paragraphs ago, everyone has their own domming style. Consider yourself an artiste (that's ar-TEEST), and youre man as your sexy canvas. In general, you want your man to KNOW that you are in control, and that he is your utterly helpless love slave.
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Techniques
Techniques! What are some fun ways to let your man know that you're in control?
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Bondage
One of the easiest ways to get started is by tying him up. Pros: He's physically helpless, so you get to focus on breaking his will with your sexiness. Cons: His hands aren't free, so you have to take a very active role - you can't easily kill time telling him to pleasure you with his hands!
Some prefer a more subtle method of inducing physical helplessness by seducing him first. I know a particularly sexy and talented mistress who can bring her slave to his knees with no more than a tone of voice! Now THAT'S hot.
While your man is helpless or subdued, you can tease or torture him acording to taste. ;) You can tease him with your hands and mouth, carressing his whole body, or have a little fun with toys - hot wax, ice cubes, clothespins! Try everything once. You're bound to find something that you both find REALLY hot and fun.
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Teasing and Denial
Now that you're the boss, you control your man's pleasure, and his orgasms. Practice stimulating him to the edge of release, keeping him there, and letting him down without cumming. Practice doing this without him telling you when he's on the edge - early mistakes are OK, because if you can tell when he's about to orgasm, you have him in the palm of your hand! If you're not feeling very sensitive, you can command him not to come and to tell you before he does (this is less trustworthy than sensing it yourself though!) Remember - lots of different ways to do the same thing!!
Teasing & denial is a great way to start other kinks you might want to try. Once you've brought him to the edge and down five or six times, he will most likely be putty. As soon as you whisper, "Now then... if you want to be given the privilege of orgasm, you'll have to..." he'll be all ears!
Definitely flex your domming muscles in this field, it's one of the most fun and rewarding kinks. Don't be alarmed if your man tells you that orgasms you give him after tease & denial are more intense: that's how it works! Additionally, this can add a lot of flame to a dying sex life - if orgasms aren't guaranteed, things are a lot more exciting.
You can make teasing & denial long term. This can be one of THE MOST intense parts of a kinky sex life. There are hundreds of different specific approaches, but the general concept is the same: "I am your Mistress. I control your cock, your orgasms and your pleasure. You don't get even a mote of satisfaction without my permission." It's very visceral and sexy. It can work well on its own, or with other techniques/fetishes. Maybe your man is only allowed one orgasm a week, or month... or year!
A few weeks before my boyfriend's most recent birthday, I told him what his gift would be: The most intense orgasm I have given him yet. Naturally, he was excited, and intrigued. Of course, I immediately pulled the rug out from under him: His orgasm was going to be intense because he wasn't going to cum for two weeks before hand, and I was going to be teasing him the whole time!
Those were an extremely fun two weeks. I nipped problems in the bud by making it clear to him that whining and complaining would push his orgasm back to his NEXT birthday. I decided to throw in a few other kinks, though: The night before his birthday we went out to see a movie. I was completely chaste the entire day, and throughout the first half of the movie, making him think I had finally laid off... but right in the middle of the movie, I pulled a plastic bag out of my purse, handed it to him, and said... "Go to the men's room, put these on and come back."
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Public Teasing
Inside the plastic bag (see above paragraph) were a vibrating cockring and an inflatable, vibrating buttplug. As he walked off shuddering, I grabbed his leg and said, "Make sure I can reach all of the *important parts*" - the three little controllers!
Before, I continue, first rule of public teasing: DON'T INVOLVE ANYONE WHO HASN'T GIVEN THEIR EXPLICIT CONSENT. This means no indecent exposure, no having your man walk up to a random woman and tell her about the sexy misery you're inflicting on him. This is disrespectful and unacceptable.
OK, back to the fun part. My boy was in a delicious position: Seated in the middle of a (kind of unpopulated, but definitely public) movie theater, with two toys hidden away beneath his jeans. The pump and the vibrator controls for the toys were all within my reach, in his pockets or under his shirt. This is a pretty intense example of public teasing, but boy, was it fun. I would turn everything all the way up highest and then off again, I'd slowly build up until he was almost sobbing. I asked him if he thought the female lead of the movie was hot, and then every time she came on screen, I pumped his plug up again. (I made sure not to go too strong on the vibrating ring, because he wasn't allowed to orgasm till his birthday!) By the end of the movie, he was almost mindless with desperation.
You don't have to go that crazy - you can sneak a hand under his jeans during a movie, make him wear a toy under his clothes, or whisper sexy-isms in his ear when you pass him during the day. Have fun with it!
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Pain
This sounds intimidating, but trust me - "play" is as meaningful in this case as "pain". You can "punish" your man with whips, nipple clamps, clothespins, spankings, or by just twisting and nibbling his nipples with your fingers and teeth.
So, what's the difference between "punishment" and PUNISHMENT? Remember what I said before about knowing your man's hard limits (what he just WON'T do), his "soft" limits (what he'd rather not do - or in this case, have done) and the things that just plain old turn him on? This is where that comes into play.
For a lot of men, "punishment" is its own reward - I know my man REALLY gets off on having his nipples tortured and being whipped, but that spankings aren't really his thing. So, when I'm feeling playful and he's been a good boy, I can find something silly to "punish" him for, and bring out the clothespins! However, if he displeases me by orgasming without permission (a SERIOUS offense), I will spank him.
The eroticism comes from two different places here: For things your man "enjoys", he's being directly turned on by your ministrations. For things that are "soft limits" - things he'd rather not do - the sexiness comes from the fact that it doesn't MATTER what he wants. YOU are the Mistress, and if YOU want to spank him as punishment, that's what he gets.
Understand the difference between things that turn on your man, and his "soft limits". Also, we're going to learn another golden rule of being a dom:
When you punish (not "punish") your man, NEVER BE ACTUALLY ANGRY. I repeat, IF YOU ARE EVER REALLY ANGRY AT YOUR MAN, THEN IS NOT THE TIME TO DOM HIM. Sit down. Talk it out. "Real world" issues have NO PLACE in the bedroom. There is a huge, HUGE difference between femdom as a kink and femdom as a lifestyle choice. The latter has almost nothing to do with this document. On to the fun stuff again.
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Beg and Regret
I haven't seen this formally documented or discussed elsewhere, but it's one of my absolute favorite things to inflict on my pet. It's very simple: I lead him on and make him beg for something, and then I make him REGRET IT! Nothing says "I know what's best" than, "You're getting what you wished for and now you regret it...... shouldn't you have listened to me in the first place?"
This works anywhere you can fit it in: Make him beg you to touch him and then don't let him cum, or bring him to the edge and down two, five, ten, or twenty times! Does your man leap at the chance to be dominated because you always tease his nipples and use your mouth on him, and he loves it? Make him beg you to dom him and whip him instead, or cover his balls in clothespins. "Isn't this what you wanted, baby? I'm dominating you!"
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His Pleasure
Let's face it: Your man thinks you're hot. Now you're going to use that to your utter advantage! Make him DESPERATE. Caress his entire body - with your fingers, your tongue, or your feet! Trace your fingertips up his inner thighs. Trace spirals around his penis but don't touch it yet. Tease his butt, if you're into that kind of thing (more on that later). Lick, suck and bite his nipples. Tease his dick with your mouth. Exhale deeply into his ear, and suck his earlobes. Be sexy, and he WILL be yours!
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Dirty Talk
Everyone says that a woman's most potent sex organ is her mind, but this works for guys, too. A talented mistress who knows her boy can bring him to his knees without laying a finger on him. At first, talking dirty will feel really uncomfortable and silly, but the more you do it and the more you get "into character" as the mistress, the more rewarding and sexy it will get!
Talking dirty is a great way to use fetishes you know turn your man on to make him desperate, but it's also a good, sneaky method for searching for new ones that you can use to torture him. I would have never thought my man could ever be into butt play, but when I was using my mouth on him and rubbing his balls, I started massaging the area between his balls and his butt. (This will feel good for any guy regardless of his inhibitions - hit the right spot and you stimulate the prostate.) That got him to squirm and moan, so I just started teasing him: "You like the way that feels, huh? You like feeling my fingers there? Maybe I should slide them down a few inches and rub you from inside instead. What if I used a strapon instead of my fingers?" He was clearly a little shocked, but I also heard the telltale gasp of arousal. It was downhill from there. ;)
Your Pleasure
"Service me." Your pleasure comes first. Tell your man that there is NO WAY he has any chance of orgasming until you are satisfied. For every ten of your orgasms, he gets one. Or maybe just a CHANCE at one!
One of my favorite wicked things to do is say, "OK slave, you can be inside me... but you don't get to cum. You're going to fuck me until I say you're done. If you cum, you won't cum again for AT LEAST a week." Then I'll enjoy his hard work until I orgasm. If he simply can't come down from the edge enough to keep thrusting (or if I just can't cum that way tonight), I'll tell him, "You can only stop if..." next torture!
Every slave worth his salt knows how to pleasure his mistress with his tongue. As you leisurely recline and he goes to work, make his life difficult! Grab his hair and pull him into you. Slide your feet sensually over his back or sides. Tell him how much you're going to punish him if he displeases you. Abruptly wrap your thighs around his head and flip gradually over so you're sitting on his face!
Speaking of face sitting, that brings me to the next section of this guide: Specific kinks! I'll start with one that will weird you out.
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Kinks
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Feet
This is one I never, ever got until recently. How have men managed to sexualize the very roughest parts of our bodies? Our two feet, which tend to languish in shoes all day, gathering calluses and sweat. Gross! Maybe not. Just like the rest of our bodies, feet have curves, smooth parts and yes, even a distinct odor (that men find attractive in varying degrees of intensity, some after a shower only, others after a long day!).
What's in it for the lady? Biggest pro: Foot rubs. :) Also, if you've never had your toes sucked, TRY IT. Trust me! ;) Experiment with what parts of this kink really press your man's buttons and reward him with them. Punish him with the rest! Does he love to suck your toes but hate the manual labor of foot rubs? Make him earn his domination. "We'll start with a nice foot rub every night. Then, if you please me, you'll get the privilege of licking and sucking them."
A lot of men love to be surrounded, or even smothered, in the things that turn them on. I'll bring this up for several kinks, and feet is one of them. At least once, try this: Tell your pet that you're considering what to do to him tonight, and to kneel at or on the edge of the bed as you relax in front of him. Next, tease him with your feet! Rub them over his body. Pinch his nipple with your big toe. Another two hot spots to try: Penis, and face. Some men will be driven almost instantly to the edge by a so called "footjob". Others become a pile of sexy, submissive goo when you cup their face in your soles and pull them towards you. Sometimes I like to tell my pet, "You have to earn the rest of my body. All you get for now is my feet," as I rub them all about his face and the rest of his body.
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Bondage
Everyone should get a chance to explore this THOROUGHLY. There's more to bondage than handcuffs and ankle cuffs. Hunt around online or visit a nearby store if applicable... get nice, comfy rope, learn to tie a few knots and go wild! Hogtie your man. Tie his arms to his thighs. Get a spreader bar. Have some spare ceiling space? Install a hook and tie him arms over head! There are also nifty kits for doing this with just a door. Buy a collar and secure his leash to a chain or belt around your waist so he can't help but service you with his tongue. Attach his nipple clamps to other parts of his body, so struggling yanks on them!
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Facesitting
I mentioned before that some men love to be smothered by their turn-ons: This may be the most potent example of that kink. I will start with a story :) One of my pets was incredibly resilient - he wasn't fazed by anything! One day on a whim, I decided to embarrass him by commanding him to kiss my ass. My finely tuned mistress sense detected a flicker of arousal, so I examined it! As he kissed my ass, I thrust back towards him. Ah! Was that a gasp I heard? I reached back, grabbed his hair and jammed his face into me, and he positively shuddered.
I immediately ordered him onto his back, and for the next fifteen minutes, I straddled his face and hovered over him, never actually sitting down. It was actually tough to keep up, because I REALLY wanted to grind against his face! Sometimes I came within inches, then I'd writhe back up again. When I finally sat all the way down on him, he gave such a moan and shudder that I was instantly aroused all over again, and almost literally couldn't stop myself from grinding against him until I came.
By the way, this kind of stuff works reasonably well clothed or not ;)
I can't really explain this fetish. I mean, sure --- guys like a sexy butt on a woman, but I can't explain why face sitting and "ass worship" (as it is often called) turn guys on so much. If youre into humiliating your man (see below), this can be another great domming tool. Not much is more embarrassing than being forced to kiss or lick your mistress's ass, or to beg for her to smother you with it!
When I first began to indulge in this kink there wree a few things that kept me away from it. One: I was worried about my man being able to breath! The arousal rush that comes from low oxygen notwithstanding, I didn't want him to pass out or anything. Fortunately, this is pretty much never a problem: I don't know about y'all but my man tends to writhe, squirm and moan when I sit on his face. Unless you are noticing a distinct lack of movement on his part, he's definitely A-OK (and probably enjoying himself.) If you're reallyw orried, you can shift around a lot to give him a chance to breathe.
Two: What's in it for us girls? The guy gets to be smothered in an utter turn-on, but what about us? At first I just didn't see it. After a while I started to get creative though. For one thing, I LOVE making my man beg. One of myf avorite beg-inducers is to lower myself over his face, but not quite sit, and to generally writhe, sidle and waver my ass about over him, never giving him what he really wants! After just a few minutes of this, you'll be able to FEEL the frustration roll off of him.
Another way to make it more fun is to add some pleasure to it. One technique I've never perfected is grinding against my man's face until I orgasm. Once in a while I can get the right angle, and it's VERY fun when I do. Otherwise you can just order him to lick you to orgasm as you sit over him. Iv'e also been known to hover over his face as I masturbate, with fingers or toy, so he can see and smell my arousal up close!
Final word on face-sitting: Positions. There are a lot of them, all fun! You can hook your legs under his biceps and armpits, facing his belly, and sit on his face. You can face the opposite way and get on your knees with a foot on either side of his face, and rest your hips on your heels so you can control exactly how much you're pressing. You can sit with your knees on his pecs, feet next to his ears. Finally, there's always position #1, but with your knees pinning his arms, or to either side of his body, instead of hooked under them.
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Humiliation
Guys are big and strong. They can handle themselves! So, why is it so sexy to be handled by your woman? For men, humiliation plays a (sometimes strong, sometimes tiny) role in submitting. The more comfortable your man is with his masculinity, the more you can humiliate him without worrying about actually hurting his feelings. One of my favorites to use on my pet is, "I was talking to ___mutual female friend___ today and thought about telling her how you love it when I sit on your face. I think she'd find it really interesting..."
This is a great way to play with your power. An important note, though: NEVER, ever, EVER bring ANYTHING actually outside the bedroom into real life unless you have both EXHAUSTIVELY discussed it. It's not only mean and abusive to your pet, but rude to whoever you decide to "come out" to - who says they wanted to hear about it in the first place? Everything that happens between you and your man should stay just there.
That said, have fun with it. Tease your man! "Your moans are so girly. I love getting them out of you." "You'd kiss my ass if I told you to, wouldn't you? In fact, go ahead. Kiss it. Kiss it all over. Beg me to smother you with it. No, pet! You haven't earned that fun yet." "You love being tied up and helpless, don't you? You love knowing that I can do anything I want to you, anything in the world!"
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Sissy Play
"Sissy play" or "feminization". This ties in strongly with the humiliation aspect of femdom. Commanding your man to parade around in panties, or to wear them under his clothes during every day life, is a VERY wicked and embarrassing techniqe! Though not always connected to this particular fetish, shaving often plays a part: having your man shave his bits or legs is sure to make him feel girly! Another thing, like shaving, which is sometimes but not always related:
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Anal Play
"Anal play". This is a touchy subject. There are a million articles out there about why it isn't dirty or wrong, so I'm not going to write another one. If you are totally uncomfortable with the idea of penetrating your man's ass, skip this section. If he has described it as something he is simply utterly unwilling to do, skip this section.
Now that we're past that part, there are so many reasons to enjoy anal play. As mentioned above, it's a great addition to humiliation/sissy play, but that's almost the least fun part. For one thing, it feels REALLY GOOD for the guy. If you're into driving your man wild wiht pleasure, this is right up youre alley! In general, anal play is best practiced after a shower, but two hygeinic people have nothing to worry about, really.
If you are just getting started, lay down a shoddy towel, use lots of lube, go slow, and communicate! Those are the big rules. You can start out with just your fingers (with latex gloves, if either of you prefer.. i don't!)... sliding a palm-up finger (or two, or...) in all the way, with your man on his back, and making a "come hither" gesture will probably hit his prostate, and will probably drive him wild!
There are scads of toys you can use for this kind of fun. Butt plugs are great to experiment with, and you can have a LOT of fun with inflatable or vibrating ones. Inflatable plugs might be my favorite toys just because there asre so many wicked things you can do with them... one of my favorite things to do is put the pump in my pet's hand, sit on his face, start torturing his nipples as cruelly as I can with my fingers, and tell him "I won't be getting up until you've pumped it twelve times." Or to start sucking him off and command him to count from 1 to 5 over and over again, pumping it each time he hits 5... if he stops, I stop!
Another toy is strapons. This should be a staple if your even remotely interested in humiliation or sissy play, and I think every woman whose man enjoys anal play should at least try it once.
It got a while to get used to looking at myself in the mirror with a strapon. Eventually it started to make me feel, not masculine, but mischievous... powerful! I thought to myself, "Now I get to do the fucking." (i told that to my boy later, too. he liked it.) It's true that a lot of it is for the man's benefit, since we don't "feel" anything. Well, not physically, anyway! Personally it gives me a rush.
I admit that I really find the humiliation part to be a turn-on: almost nothing brings a man to his knees (physically AND mentally) than the idea of being pegged by his woman with a strapon. Sometimes, if I'm in a REALLY will-breaking mood, I'll force my pet to suck my strapon before I use it on him. Before I tried it the first time, I was worried it was too feminizing or mood-breaking, but I commanded it anyway, just to try it out. I knew I had made the right choice as soon as he made the adorable puppy dog face and whimpered, "You want me to w... what?" Zoinks... what a turn-on!
Oh, a final word on fun things to try with anal play: ICE! You heard me! Hold it in your hand for a little to make it smooth and slippery, tease his body with it, and slip it inside him! There's nothing quite compareable to the feeling it gives, and its fun to threaten your man with putting more in (my record is ten... oh, did he squirm!).
So, I have tried my best to outline some ideas. You could read this guide a thousand times, but really, the best way to be a sexy dom and to have a fun, rewarding sex life with your man is to communicate and try new things out. Pay attention to your man's turn-ons and turn-offs, and use them to make him miserable (or euphoric!).
So, what do you guys think?
