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Schizo-Friends!

15th July, 2009. 4:37 am.(untied)

i can't tell if the things i'm feeling/thinking/noticing are symptoms or truth.

there are no voices or hallucinations, but i am trying hard to determine if the things i'm feeling, and my reactions to others, are coming from a place of paranoia and ideas of persecution.

how can you tell your real feelings from your false?

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10th July, 2009. 10:17 pm.(otherthanhuman2)

I don't know what's exactly going on.

I am right now borderline mad and sane. I'm able to stop myself from going too crazy, reassuring myself that this is all in my head, but a little voice in my head tells me that they're after me. That they know about my life and they are willing to kill my family. I cannot allow that.

I was scared and I wanted to talk to somebody, but I was afraid of losing another friend due to my bullshit. I am trapped. I don't want to go anywhere else right now but once in a while spying outside the windows, thinking they're coming with guns. I can't go outside, fear of killing my sister while I'm away. God, I'm scared for my mother right now. I don't know what to do.

But this is all in my head, right? It can't be real. Too ridiculous. Why would they want me? I am not capable of killing anyone.

I need to just stop and think, but my brain is filled with so much shit that I can't think at all. All I'm doing is staying in my room, wary. I know I am sane as well, as I keep on telling myself that this is false, but yet I...believe in it.

I just want to live like a normal person and this is the price I have to pay.

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3rd July, 2009. 10:37 pm. I'd like to not be crazy any more, please...(134_851_544)


I feel trapped.  Trapped in a body that's not just the wrong physical sex, but doesn't work properly any way and is quite literally falling apart.  But even more than that, I feel trapped inside a strange mind.  Can anyone, I wonder, begin to fathom the complexities, the nuances, the myriad confusing & conflicting thoughts, the trillions of storms constantly raging inside my mind?  Can anyone begin to know or even try to get what it's like to know consciously that you're insane, to be fully aware of yourself, but to be trapped inside a broken mind that you cannot control?  It's difficult to describe; it's like I'm sane and insane at the same time!  That alone causes me stress, confusion that I am unable - despite every true effort - to cope with with, emotional instability and fluctuations that I cannot predict, that have no trigger.

I can be fully aware that my actions, words, the things I see, smell or hear are 99% of the time abnormal.  They are out of the ordinary, not of the norm...  Not real some of the time.  I am conscious of these things, and yet I am unable to stop them, control them, and don't even think about a cure.  Schizotypal Personality Disorder has no cure.  I was born with it (yeah, thanks mum!!) and I will die with it.  I am insane; crazy; nuts; abnormal; eccentric; easily stressed; easily pushed to self-harm and/or suicide attempts, and unpredictably swing between mania depression to the same end(s); easily confused; I have delusional thoughts where I will believe that something society might consider "fantastical" or simply fantasy, is in fact real; I don't understand simply things to the point to sometimes violent (but never to a living person or animal etc.) physical displays of frustration; my emotions fluctuate rapidly and erratically; my thoughts are paranoid, violent, abnormally sexual, confusing, sometimes not my own; I am...

...

A hiddeous thing!

I think the video behind the following cut also fairly accurately describes part of who and what I am.  I say part, because it would take more than this brief journal entry to put everything in my head down coherently enough for anyone to "get it"; it would take the memory capacity of a supercomputer and a vastly more articulate than me telepath to help me find the words.

( Warning: The video has a 30 second advert at the start! )

Thank you for letting me ramble, letting my mind spill out just a little onto these pages.

X-POSTED TO [info]cuttersselfharm, [info]134_851_544 & [info]schizosurvival

Current mood: Paranoid.

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29th June, 2009. 11:52 am.(keepmerunning)

so after reading [info]sayonaraophelia 's recent post and the responses re: sounds of people chewing, i decided to see how many of you/us there are that have high irritability and low tolerance with sensitivity issues.  for example, for years hearing the sound of people chewing food, especially sloppy wet sounding, or crunchy popcorn with their mouths open...or the associated sounds, spoons in bowls, has driven me fucking mad.  when i'm the least psychotic feeling, it is the one prevalent trait that i just can't seem to shake.  my parents used to tell me to become more tolerant, and i really have tried, i just can't do it.

another one is textures.  i would rather let myself dry off naked than towel off with a rough or scratchy towel.  it feels as though it could tear through the skin on my palms and makes my skin crawl.

something i've noticed with these unshakable issues of mine, is that they seem to worsen dramatically before an episode.  this is only a recent discovery, but i know that if i pick up a towel and it makes my skin feel like it's tearing off and get a feeling of irritation at the same time, or i'm envisioning slamming a chair into the 16 year old kid's face sitting behind me smacking his gum, (where as normally i'd feel annoyed but not to the point of tearing my own hair out or something) i'd better bunker down.

anyone experience or notice anything like that?  i think it might actually be worsening as i'm aging, which is horrifying.

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14th June, 2009. 3:28 pm. Invega(deadseasnake)

Hi, my name is Cara. I used to post here under the username "bluewolvesbuild" but I had to delete that account because of some harassment problems..

Anyway, I have psychotic depression and bipolar disorder and was given the medication Invega plus some antidepressants plus some side effect medicine. But Invega was the only antipsychotic I was on. I was on Invega for about six months, but I stopped taking it several months ago. I still have blurry vision in my left eye, and sharp pains in my head sometimes. But most of all, I have horrible nausea, I can barely eat one meal a day and the last time I was weighed I had lost ten pounds. I live off of sweet tea and strawberry shortcake ice cream bars pretty much, because that's the only thing that doesn't make me sick.

I've read somewhere that Invega has been known to cause pituitary tumors? Which cause bad nausea. I was wondering if anyone else had this problem with this medicine or one like it?
I don't have insurance so I can't go to the doctor, but is this something I need to be worried about?

PLEASE NOTE: I am not pregnant! I'm on birthcontrol and I had my monthly about two weeks ago (I don't mean to be gross). There's no chance I could be pregnant. And I've had the nausea since I got off the medicine.

Please help? Advice?

Current mood: blah.

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6th June, 2009. 9:04 pm. Crazy Poems(novembers_child)

Hi there! My name’s Kate and I would like to announce to you the creation of a new LJ community called [info]crazy_poems. It is a group for sharing poetry related to mental illnesses of any kind. So far we are a small community, but very kind and supportive.  We have a wide variety of experience and skill spanning from high school amateurs to professional, published poets.   Our creative members are dealing with disorders like depression, schizophrenia, bipolar, borderline, and bulimia. If you have mental health issues, I’d encourage you to join our talented group of poets and begin sharing your work. Thanks!

 

Here’s a sample of the kind of poetry that can be found on [info]crazy_poems:


"Shadow Dancer"

In storm, there comes a stranger,
Cloaked in shame and sorrow,
To whisper in night of torch-lit tombs,
And the blissful realm of no tomorrow.

A phantom of the mind,
He reigns above in blackest day,
Poisoning dreams with deadly themes,
Taunting spirits in bloody play,
In darkness, hunting mortal prey.

Shadow Dancer, Dream Romancer -
Take my pain and fly away.
Soul Enchanter, Necromancer -
Human instincts we'll betray.

Rescue me, dark stranger,
Carry me on unseen wings,
Answer my sepulchral song,
With the peace your answer brings.

Shadow Dancer, Dream Romancer -
Take my pain and fly away.
Soul Enchanter, Necromancer -
Make my forever begin today.

 

                    -Kate
 



Current mood: creative.
Current music: "January Stars" by George Winston.

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20th May, 2009. 2:02 pm.(addispatcher)

I am sick.
I am paralysed by something far beyond my control, and there is nothing that can be done about it until those who expect too much of me come to accept it as fact.

I am sick.
There is no medicine to make me better. Not 100%. I will never be able to perform as you want me to.
Threaten me if you wish, scream at me if it makes you feel better, point out my flaws as if
I'm unaware of their existence, disown me entirely if you feel like it and let me live on the goddamn street, but do NOT try to tell me that this is my fault.

I get that you will never even begin to fathom how my mind works, or how much influence it has over me or just how paltry an amount of control it allows me to have over myself.

I get that, maybe you don't want to believe that there's anything wrong with me, maybe you feel it reflects on you as a parent, or maybe you're just completely in denial, but do not tell me that I'm doing this on purpose.

You can kick me out of the house forever, or hold me captive within it, but I still won't be able to function, now matter how closely you supervise me or how my "freedom" demands me to fend for myself.
Then again, maybe you SHOULD watch me constantly. Maybe you'll get some kind of idea of just how ill, how poorly-suited for life I really am. Maybe you'll want to actually do something helpful, or at least realise what's NOT helpful.
...but probably not.

I know you're trying to have me "educated" to ensure that I have some kind of "future," no matter how implausible any dreams of one may be.
I don't need education, though. I need a record of myself having been handed a slip of paper STATING that I received education. Or that's what you want me to have. And why? To compensate for your own failings, undoubtedly, which WERE your fault, because unlike me, you weren't disabled... you were just lazy.
I'm not you. I apologise for the fact that I don't have a job. I apologise for the fact that I'm not yet driving. I'm incredibly sorry that I'm ultimately nothing more to you than a waste of money.
I... don't know what I'm getting at.
Ignorance, I guess is what I'm getting at. Why can't YOU learn? Why can't I educate YOU? Why are you so unwilling to receive knowledge that could help you to finally understand your own son?

...

et cetera
et cetera
et cetera

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13th May, 2009. 5:38 pm. Introduction(parolearcaiche)

Hey there, I just joined and wanted to introduce myself, I recently started this journal and you might see this cross posted on a few bipolar/schizophrenic communities, so sorry if you have to see this a few times.
About me: I go by Icarus, I'm a 20-something guy from the north east, I am bipolar rapid cycle, manic depressive and a high functioning schizophrenic. I just recently lost everything, my house, my job, and my life, after a downward spiral that lasted about 6 months before complete self destruction. I am in recovery for 5 years of self-injury. I just spent 10 long arduous weeks in an in-patient facility and have been released with outpatient counseling and psychiatric oversight. Currently I am in the process of getting into a group home that is part of a wonderful program through an ICCD certified clubhouse (if you haven't heard of this I strongly suggest you check out the website and see if there is a local clubhouse near you, as the support system through these programs are excellent). I am working hard on my own journey to full recovery. Currently I am on medications, these include Seroquel, Topamax, and Klonazapam. I am so fortunate to be here today and if it wasnt for the support of my friends and family, I wouldn't have the drive that I do to improve and empower myself in this battle.
If you have any questions for me, feel free to ask. Thanks for giving me the forum to introduce myself and I hope I can be a contributing member to this community.

-Icarus

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12th May, 2009. 5:55 am.(otherthanhuman2)

Hi.

I'm posting this in my writing journal because I don't want my friends to know about this.

My name is Crystal and I'm 18. Ever since I was about 11 or 13 I've had a couple of psychiatric problems. I've been diagnosed with autism, severe depression, and generalized anxiety disorder. I've been taking medicine for this, and people think that's all well and good. However, I've been having another problem.

And it's schizophrenia.

When I was 11, I heard a voice in my head. He said his name was Charlie. I was very confused about this, but I shrugged it off, thinking it was just my voice.

Later, this voice became abusive. It would call me worthless, a piece of shit, every single name under the sun. He then convinced me to cut myself, a habit that I wish to be rid of. He also told me to kill people and that other people were after me. Long story short, he was a really bad voice.

Cut to a few years later. I started to hear what seemed to be a hundred voices in my head. Some of them were abusive and some were male, female, and even childlike. Soon, the hundred voices narrowed down to a few named Kastrina, Annabelle, Danielle, and Gargameil. I really don't feel like explaining the voices in depth, so here's the short version of their personalities: Kastrina was nice then turned nasty, Annabelle was also kind but had a baby that cried every night (sounds ridiculous, I know, bear with me here) and Danielle was a male voice that kept me going. Gargameil was horrible, I don't want to explain him. However, despite having a few good voices, it became so unbearable that I took some pills, making me become committed until the voices were gone.

The Risperdal I took acted fast and since then, I only had a few minor voice hearing hallucinations.

However, there's a little bit more to the story.

I also had delusions. I once believed I was a messenger of God and I started to react strongly to things such as angels and Bibles. I even prayed. I do not believe in God.

I also went through a week or two of believing I was dead and was made into a cyborg. I was curious about me being a machine that I thought about cutting myself deep enough to find metal and wires. Luckily, I didn't do it. I also had a delusion that a group of people I called the Injection Men were after me, trying to inject me with various substances. I hallucinated and thought I saw them in the bathroom and my mother's room. Another one I had was where I thought the police were after me, because I was a weapon and they would use me to kill my family. I tried to run out of the city limits, until the voice of reason told me to go back home.

I am also paranoid. I get so frightened of strangers that whenever I walk outside I would try to avoid them whenever possible. I also thought thought that one of my online friends was plotting to kill me. I kept on thinking that a lot of people hate me and wish harm to me. Right now, the paranoia is really severe and I don't know what to do about it.

Hallucinations aren't frequent thanks to the medication, but sometimes I still get them. Not only do I hear voices, but I would also see things, usually animals, such as white cats. I would also see shadows and think "shadowed people" are after me.

I have a therapist who doesn't believe I'm a schizophrenic, but a psychiatrist who does. She didn't prescribed me Risperdal and Abilify in the first place, but she's been increasing dosages. Due to my paranoia, she's going to increase it again once I get caught up in my medicine take. Hopefully that would help out the issue.

That's all I wanted to say. If you've read this, thanks for hearing me out.

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8th May, 2009. 9:04 am.(high_priestress)

Soi made a big mistake of telling my friend i heard his voice in my head. my voices also used to make me call him nonstop because they claimed we were soulmates since i heard his voice in my head. Soon he changed his number, and i think its my fault. He also oficially thinks im nuts now i hear. I wish i was able to tell him about my illness But at the time i was to sick to even realize i was ill. I thought everything was real and i was fine.I can't reach him now and if i ever do bump into him i dont know what to say. i also don't want him to be spreading rumors about me that im crazy. i don't want people thinking that about me. have you ever been in this situation? what did you do?

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