| I'm on the edge of the breaking point |
[17 Jun 2009|01:00am] |
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I guess I'll buy my fucking food from now on since they are blaming most of the food eating on me. There are two teenagers let I remind you and people in the house that weigh more than me. Ok and today I just had a big bowl of lucky charms and I was screamed at by not one but two people. Saying I'm not being respectable to the house or anything. And that my girlfriend hates coming home to me that almost made me walk right up and leave. And she said I should have gone to respite. So she wouldn't have to deal with me. I'm just ready to so fucking off myself its not even funny just take a whole bunch of valium. I've never said a mean thing to this girl or anything maybe I made the mistake of moving in to her house too soon. Like they get annoyed and volatile when I say gestures like are you shitting me? Or No way? They take it to offense. I mean what ever I say gets me into trouble. I should just move out if they really can't stand me or coming home to me. Its not like they see me much anyway. Or off myself. I'll do it while they are not home just off myself because I feel like I'm a burden to everybody.
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| Just wanted to introduce myself |
[26 May 2009|08:51am] |
A year ago I was rediagnoised as being schizoaffective, after being labeled bipolar for so very long.
I'm hoping I can find a friend that knows what I'm going through and won't judge me because of my disorder like so many people do when they find out.
( More about me. . . )( More about me )
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| Well is it just me or does anyone else think that my icon is scary.... |
[06 May 2009|09:02pm] |
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I just had someone comment on my icon and said it was epileptic inducing. I've never made something that annoying before. I just thought all the other icons were boring that just stood still. Maybe thats what makes me so crazy. Today was hard to work. I kept fighting the flashbacks my boss had some romanian music that normally doesn't trigger me. But for some reason one song came on and I just started having a flashback. I hate not having any control of the situation. I tried to concentrate on work but I kept pausing and going in my own little world. I don't know if anyone has this crap happen to them at work. For no reason at all just a sudden flashback or flashbacks. I keep telling myself I should go to an emdr clinician because I'll get relief. It exhausts me having flashbacks every other day or so. It is just exhausting and tiring now because I know there is nothing I can do about it. And waiting to see if I have ms or not is just inducing them and making me nervous. My question is does this mental illness you have ever get exhausting? Do you hate constantly being forced to go in the er or respite or php? I have a friend and I want to often tell her if she ever gets exhausted and tired constantly going to those places? I mean it got old for me real quick. But I wonder does it ever get old for you?
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| People that create viruses are dumb people |
[05 May 2009|10:01pm] |
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Crazy Bitch by buckcherry |
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People that just create viruses to get their asses caught are dumb. You know one of the virus softwares will pick it up and you know you will get caught. But no you have nothing better to do with your time. You just ha ha I created a worm or ha ha I created a trojan they can't detect. And if you know all the types of viruses on your hand well then that just makes you even more of a loser. If I ever had a boyfriend and knew he was doing this I would beat his ass into the ground. I mean literally. I can throw women across the room I can definitely throw the men I dated across the room. These were heavy set women too.
Yeah you could call me a little crazy when I'm held against my will and put in restraints. That makes me so much more crazier. I don't know if those stupid bitches get it that putting a person out of control in restraints doesn't calm them down. I think maybe they might have figured it out but it should be against the law to inject substances that will knock you out into you. I think I'm going to have to speak to the governor on that one. I think that one deserves a fair call. I don't think you should be held against your will at all. It just makes people even more out of control. And someone is likely to get hurt like the one that I hurt about six months ago. You know I don't mean to hurt these people they just really piss me off. I would never hurt a fly but if you hold me against my will and make me eat charcoal and keep me in restraints for six hours you better believe I'm attacking you. Its a natural reaction I think.
And those stupid bitches that say "oh were not using this as punishment" Thats a bunch of horse manure if I ever heard it. Because why else would you stick someone in those restraints. I think anything can be resolved with talking not fists or restraints. Yet the hospitals continue to abuse mental patients and I won't stand for it. Does anyone know Govenor Jodi Rells email address because I would really like to confront her about the abuse in mental hospitals and the nursing homes especially. I would like to consult NAMI if I had the chance.
See I think those apathetic abusive nurses need to get whats coming to them. You know LJ put a funny question on here today and that is do you believe in fate. Yeah I believe you reap what you sew. That means you abuse a patient you get ten times worse coming to you. I hope they freaking do for the hell they put me through. My mom who kicked me out of her house is getting what is coming to her she is going to lose it. Do I feel sorry for her. Not the least bit because I personally could have helped her out a lot. Though I do have to say kicking me out only got me more help. Not the kind of help I'm looking for but the therapists on your ass and caseworkers on your ass kind of help.
I'm just now getting rid of them. I don't want them anymore. And now if I could only get off these meds without relapsing I would be golden. I am still surprised that nurse didn't actually put a lawsuit on me. I mean she must have saw the error of her ways but threatened she would put a lawsuit on me anyway. Bitch. Next time I see her she is going to get more than thrown across the room she is going to get punched in the face but that wouldn't do her any justice. It might actually make her bitchy looking face better maybe. I wish I knew her name so I could pray to the lord to let her burn in hell. Oh well what are you going to do I like to rant and rave about shit like this. Its the only way you can actually fight back without getting restrained, beaten or injected with an odd drug. I guess I'm just one crazy bitch.
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| I think my friend just doesn't want to be my friend anymore |
[01 Apr 2009|08:07pm] |
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I think my friend doesn't want to be my friend anymore. I tried calling her. What the hell did I do to her. I was wondering if she was psycho or if I really don't deserve to be her friend. Well I guess we went to the movies together and she paid for my ticket. And I guess my girlfriend called me and wanted to hang out with us too. I asked Krystal if it was ok if my girlfriend hanged out with us. She said it was fine. Because I would have no problem with her friends hanging out with me. She is schizoaffective. Now I guess I told her that she got into a fight with my girlfriend a long time ago. And Krystal felt like an ass. So she told me to apologize to Missy. So I did that. I went to her house and told her that Krystal apologizes and she feels like an ass. And Missy said ok well to be careful around Krystal because she will use me. I already know this but Missy told me. Now Krystal calls me and I tell her I apologized for you and she said what did she say. And I believe in telling the truth to people no matter if it hurts them or not. I just didn't want to tell her what Missy said. And so Krystal hung up on me like it was my fault. I mean I could have lied and said something else but Missy was right there. I don't know if I caused the drama or if she started it because she will not return my calls. She hasn't spoke to me in a week it seems. Now is she crazy to not speak to me should she even care what Missy thinks? I called her plenty of times to tell her what Missy said for the truth and said I didn't care what Missy thinks about you and you shouldn't care either. I paid for her snacks and shit and so many times helped her out now she is going to hold this against me or she another schizoaffective loser friend that I'm hanging out with. Just to remind you guys I'm schizoaffective too and well I don't ask those kinds of questions about what people think about me through someone elses voice because I believe it puts pressure on the person and is not fair. I will ask them myself what they think of me usually. I guess she hasn't used her DBT skills that much. Even though I think she is a very assertive person.
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| Well stereotyping or not? |
[30 Mar 2009|11:49pm] |
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Look I am schizoaffective and I have a schizoaffective best friend who is severely has paranoia like no tomorrow. I don't know I can't take the drama. Maybe I might not be as ill but basically she stopped picking up my phone calls just because I wouldn't tell her what my girlfriend said about her. I mean she is my best friend but I don't really want to piss her off. And my girlfriend who is mildly depressed said a bunch of stuff that is basically true about her. She said to be careful around her because all she wants is your money and rides. Which she does sometimes. I just don't listen to it and I don't think my friend has to listen to it either. It will just make her more paranoid or feel like commiting suicide because she thinks she is a load crap. She is already unstable as it is. I mean she gets thrown into Respite and PHP partial hospital programs instead of going to the hospitals themselves. Plus she does a bunch of other dumb things that I'm aware of like snorting her pills. I don't tell anyone that except maybe you guys because she doesn't have the internet and well she can't see me. I don't know maybe if she knew what I really thought about her she would probably never forgive me. But I think that has already happened because I tried calling her and she won't pick up my calls. So I said this is the last time I'm going to call so I'm going to leave it up to you whether you want to call me or not and make amends with me. You really didn't need to hear what my girlfriend said about you it will just make you more paranoid. Apparently my girlfriend and her have had a bad past. So I don't know what is a girl supposed to do. This means a chance to make new friends, some who don't have an illness perhaps. I don't know am I stereotyping schizoaffective disorder? Maybe but she makes it out to be a stereotype.
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[28 Mar 2009|07:07pm] |
Manic. I am going through a manic cycle. It's so much fuuuuunnnnnn! I miss being manic all the time. I feel so invincible.
I've been hyper-sexual this last week. It could be Spring... but it's probably my mania. I gave my number to a guy at a restaurant. He actually called and we're meeting for lunch tomorrow. He sounds like the sort of guy that believes in "love and love at first sight." I tend to attract romantic men. I find this odd because I am such a realist, maybe even a native pessimist. What it boils down to is them falling in love, and when I go through an affective episode I end up stepping all over their romance. eh. What's a schizoaffective girl to do?
I registered for a very full load of classes... hopefully I am not over doing it. It's hard for me to tell what I can and can not actually accomplish when I am manic. If I remain manic all quarter, the load will be fine, but if I don't... I don't know if I can handle it.
I donated blood today. I didn't know if I could because of all my meds, but apparently I can. Sweet.
I'm type 0+ , which means most people can take my blood. Sweet.
I feel so good right now. I hate that my meds squelch my mania. I can still have hypo-mainias, which will just have to do.
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| Well I filed a report on ripoff report.com |
[25 Mar 2009|12:37am] |
Well I am fuming from the message that was relayed back to me by my landlord and said it came from North Central Counseling Services. Yeah my own frigging counseling service. Apparently they said that I took drugs meaning illegal drugs and that why would they want a tenant like me living in her apartments? Yeah talk about an invasion of Hippa laws. I am fuming I am totally pissed off like never ever before! I don't know I say they have a fucking lawsuit coming their way. Or someone is getting fired. I just filed it on ripoffreport.com Just look under Community Health Resources.
I implore all of you or some of you that if you are doing business with them to please write a god damn report if you think their services are unsatisfactory or breaking the law. I won't tell you all the unspeakable things they have done to me. One they promised me a housing reduction in price. And they didn't come up with it for three months. Talk about fucking wrong when they promised me something. I'm about to take my business somewhere else. I don't know if the disease I got from them is totally their fault. Its more of whatever drug has a side effect of hemoragging which I would like to find out.
If any of you have any information what drug could possibly be causing HSP. Please tell me. I'm on geodon, zoloft, valium, minipress, voltaren and darvocet. Most likely I'm thinking its the fucking geodon doing it. Its a pretty strong med from all the others and has side effects close to hemoraghing in your joints and skin. I'll find out the internet has everything usually. A bunch of junk but pretty useful if you know where to search. And to say that they go asking my friend for information about me and what I've been up to I think that is totally unprofessional of them.
God I would do better in just praising the lord and attending church they are more descrete than North Central. God no wonder I couldn't get an apartment for a month! And to justify it all I was treated like shit in a Respite Home. Couldn't go anywhere for more than four hours at a time. They pressured me to get housing which I couldn't get or they would kick me to the streets! I am just so fed up with North Central I am going some place else that doesn't do that shit! Sorry if I'm ranting again and full of drama. But thats all they managed to do was put more drama in my life! I think I might have to actually go to a hospital and have them look for some treatment for me other than North Central. Wish me luck!!
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| HSP what I have!!! |
[24 Mar 2009|05:08pm] |
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Well to discover today that I have a pretty bad looking hemoraging rash and joint pain from literally the blood vessels hemoragging inside my joints. It is causing severe pain also in my knees. And the abnormal brain scan of white matter lesions are all caused from med reactions from my psych meds. I want to stop taking my meds all together so I can't die from this disease or syndrome early in age. Because if you look online this is very serious disorder. HSP causes all kinds of things to go wrong and one of them being renal failure or some severe renal disease. So I'm saying to all of you if you start developing pain in your joints and rashes everywhere on you're legs please stop taking your psych meds! It will save your life!!
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| Why do people need to cause drama? |
[14 Mar 2009|11:24pm] |
Well it was a sunny afternoon and my family and I were all celebrating my sisters birthday. Yes my sister gets the glory all the time and I'm left in the dust not even treated as a human being because of my illness. Well if you must know what went down here it goes. Well things were going smoothly all the way up until my sister's boyfriend was buying alcohol. I only wanted one drink like I usually have on special occasions. Well theres where the bad part starts. First she says welll no you can't have any because first your on meds and you don't want to be like Heath Ledger. First of all fuck you ingnorant bitch. Heath Ledger died of an overdose not alcohol and pills. Well then she decided to take it a step further and say its either medication or alcohol you can't have both. Is she my parent? no she is not. I am so infuriated on it and next time I will pick a bone with her. Next time she fucking calls I'll say you know what your ignorant and stupid for saying what you said at your birthday party to me in front all your friends too.
I am deciding to get off all my meds except valium because that is the only fucking drug that works for me. Yeah I will take her offer. Yeah I'll tell her hey bitch I'm not a mental patient anymore so I expect to be treated like a fucking human being. Lucky my girlfriend calmed me down and told me go write in your blog about this to get it off of your shoulders. I swear tonight I felt like I wanted to drive my fist through a fucking wall. I was seeing red. I think she is a lot like my father not understanding of anything so he is going to get it from me also. Because they are the ones with the effing problem. Yeah I'm 26 years old fuckers I can think for myself I'm a individual not a non sentient being like they all think I am. But you know how this will end if I tell my sister I was really hurt by what you said she will be the one to have the last fucking word. Yup I just text messaged her and called her an ignorant bitch for comparing me to heath ledger and all and then saying to choose alcohol or meds. You know what I just might do that it might make me feel a hell of a lot better and not such a zombie. For all I know she could have no clue what set me off.
And knowing that I called her an ignorant bitch she will tell mommy and then my mom will be mad at me. So wtf? I have my own life now I don't need to be treated as a child. Fuck I know when to cut myself off. Unlike my sister who drinks like a sailor. I mean do I really need to be around my family anymore if they are going to treat me like that? Fuck.
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[13 Mar 2009|07:11pm] |
Will you run away with me?
Let's just walk until we get tired and then turn around.
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| I hate psychiatrists and mental health staff really bad |
[07 Mar 2009|08:47pm] |
Well I just want to say fuck you all of you mental health counselors and shrinks. I hate them all and the mental health facilities in CT suck ass. They treat their mental patients like shit. And this one place called the club house well its full of mentally ill people and I don't mind that I mind the staff that works there. They are supposed to be helping people instead they yell at them for doing nothing wrong or even if they did something wrong they don't know it and the staff yells at them. I can't stand Pat Trilore because she is a fucking bitch and she shouldn't even be working in the mental health field. And to all of you psychiatric nurses you are evil to the core. Evil people because you don't know how to treat mentally ill people either. If you are a psychiatric nurse that has schizoaffective disorder maybe we need more of you because then if I act up in the psych hospital you will be less likely to chain me to the bed and put a shot in my ass that could potentially be fatal and cause health problems. I'm sorry if I'm ranting but Connecticut needs to up their game with the mentally ill.
I got punched in the face by one of the staff while I was at this horrible place called johnson Memorial Hospital. I wanted to report it but I was too drugged up to. And you know what I probably caused some major injuries to the emergency room staff at least this one bitch that wouldn't let me out of restraints because I wouldn't take charcoal. She left me in the restraints for 6 hours without food or water. I was dehydrated and they had to stick a needle in my vein to put water in me because I was so dehydrated. And I think they have no right to destroy clothing that I wear either. But I guess when your in the hospital they have the force and you have no free will. You do what is by their whim. Well I got it down that I am the meanest bitch in the entire world when it comes to the hospital especially when they have to take my blood alcohol I wouldn't let them take that I refused and I think I have a right to. See what I need to get is someone that has power of attorney so that if I ever get into a situation like that they have to ask the person that has power of attorney in order to give meds. Then they wouldn't give me my pain meds that I take on a regular basis so I'm in the psych unit for a week and in excruitating pain. I tell them to call my doctor and it will say that I am taking them on a regular basis. Fuck off nurses, psychiatrists, doctors any one in the mental health field because I will never go again I will commit suicide and succeed and not get help like I should because you made my fucking stay a disaster. I am just so angry and filled with a lot of anger towards those people. I have ptsd because of them. Flashbacks of those horrible events.
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[05 Mar 2009|07:14pm] |
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This community seems more active than the Schizo Living community. Hi, I was diagnosed with Schizoaffective in 2006. I haven't really posted here, but I post at the other one. Sometimes I don't think I have Schizoaffective. I don't know for sure. My doctor seems to think so. But I don't know if I really believe him. I don't think it really matters too much. I get word salad. I just learned that another name for it is glossolalia. Does anyone else here get that? I am a member of a depression support group. I've talked a lot about my word salad there. But I was thinking about going to a Schizo support group because I want to meet people who have experiences of word salad or who can help me with my word salad. I also heard that NAMI has suppoprt groups. Have you ever been to a NAMI support group? I was thinking about going to one of those. Do you have to be a NAMI member to go to a NAMI support group? I think someone posted here about having their meds put them in between feeling not-depressed and not-content. I hear that. I thought that the meds would make me feel happy, but all they do is make you feel not-depressed. And that is when they work! I try to do things to help people. I like helping people. I like to meditate. I was mad at my dad because he wants me to use less shaving cream when I shave. I was worried that he would be mad at me because I bought shavin cream that wasn't on sale. I'm trying to get on a state prescription program that will pay for my prescriptions. I'm a temp so I don't have benefits. I like working, but I get stressed out very easily. I don't do good with stress because it gives me symptoms. What makes you happy?
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[24 Feb 2009|04:20pm] |
Next quarter I am going back to school full-time. oh shit. It's got me so scared already, I am having trouble with binge drinking. No bueno.
My bf is new to the mental illness world. I guess he grew up average (sorta boring, oh well). Last Thursday I freaked out on him. Started saying things that didn't make sense, hurtful things. I don't remember most of what I said. Then the next day I was feeling so low that I gave him all my knives for fear I would do something really stupid, like cut myself.
The bf didn't get it. He was like why are you giving me your knives. I didn't say anything, but, "Would you rather ME have them?"
I really don't want to have to explain fresh cuts to any of my peers at Northwestern. Stupid neuroscientists, think they know everything about the brain. Fuck them. I don't even know why I am in the program sometimes. I guess I'm not really in the program right now, but I'll be full-time in about a month.
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| Hi I am taking no mood stablizer |
[23 Feb 2009|09:22am] |
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Hello all I am feeling hypomanic I think and I'm on no mood stabilizer but I don't know I seem to be doing alright I'm not having any harmful behaviors and I love being in that feeling. I want it to last forever. I'm on 100mgs of zoloft, 200mg of geodon, and 10 mg of valium and some pretty heavy pain killers and anti inflammatories. They just recently found that I have an abnormal brain scan. They found white matter lesions all over my brain and they don't know what they are associated with. They said it could be a disease like multiple sceloriosis or nothing at all. But I'm supposed to get the release form and turn it in to the olin research center that did the brain scan. I'm feeling awfully worried thats probably why I'm hypomanic out of fear.
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[21 Feb 2009|03:42pm] |
Y'know what, assistant to the assistant at the Eye Care Center: FUCK YOU.
You asked me why I was on medication and I told you - I was honest and having a nice day but you had to go and ruin it by making me feel like I was the most vulgar, degenerative - obscene freak in the world by acting like I was going to murder you right there in the office.
Ignorant bitch.
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| wtf???? |
[13 Feb 2009|04:44pm] |
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hi. im rachael. fuck. i dont feel right. something is wierd. something doesnt feel right.
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| Well I think I might be losing my mind |
[05 Feb 2009|05:22am] |
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Well tonight I went with my friend to this restaurant and had a good time with her and then we got home and we hung out and I received a call from my boyfriend. He said hey I heard that you went to buffalo wild wings. I was shocked like a psychic could only know that. I wanted to know how he knew. He said you text messaged me. So I wanted to know if my friend text messaged my boyfriend. She said no she didn't. And the text message was vulgar it said "ha ha fucker we went to wild wings" Something totally out of character. The text message was from me. I have no recollection of sending it or even typing the thing. My doctors at the hospital told me I would say these really obscene things and yell them and scare all the patients and then have no recollection and calm down after that. So I wonder what is happening to me? I am scaring myself silly. I know I'm a kind person deep down. What is this evil that lurks inside of me?
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| Introduction |
[04 Feb 2009|09:32am] |
Hey all. I hope I can find support somewhere in the vein of society. I am going cold turkey off of these meds I have been taking for about 3 years.
I am a writer and I have a book: www.wordclay.com/BookStore/BookStoreBookDetails.aspx
I hope we can be friends. Right now, all that's happened so far after three skipped doses is I had a nightmare about being pinched.
Even if you aren't going off of psychiatric meds, I recommend White Tea. It is really amazing for anxiety and overall health and mentality.
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schizoaffect