Nothing cannot feel [complete, closed]
Who: Axel and Zexion
What: A late-night conversation
Where: Pen and Sword
When: Night of day 232



The door to the Pen and Sword banged open, and Axel stomped in, face like a storm cloud, a bundle of finely-worked short swords under his arm. He flopped them down on the Sword side's counter with all the panache of an elephant, and turned toward the Pen side. "Zexion?" he called.

Zexion was sitting at his customary postition behind his desk, staring down. "You needn't bother," he said. "After all, there's no one to run the Sword any longer."

"Argus wouldn't let me leave without them," Axel said sourly. "Is Xemnas around?"

Here Zexion smirked. "I seem to have made him a little angry. Mostly because I out-argued him. And you know how he is when you do that. Would you like to see it? I think it was rather brill."

"I saw," Axel said, flopping down into a chair behind the counter, but of enough distance from Zexion as not to be uncomfortable. "Went off to sulk, obviously. That's good. I don't want him to overhear us - I've been meaning to ask you for a while."

Zexion had a suspicion about the question that was coming, but he asked anyway. "What, then?"

"Do we really not feel?"

...

"... I don't know. I could say yes. But we could, for all I know, be philisophical zombies. Am I really feeling? Or do I just think so? Do I just APPEAR so? Do I really have consciousness or do I just seem that way? What is truth, and what illusion?"

Axel chewed on his lower lip, arms folded and deep in thought. "What was it like, when you woke up from being Ienzo?"

Another long pause. "Cold," he said. "Well... at first? confusing. It was like you. Most of us began with the skins of Dusks. And we had no one to help us. It was sheer force of will, for me, alone and lost in Never Was. And yes, we awoke in Never Was, not Twilight Town. I wandered the streets, blind and insane, driven only by the sheer desire to live, and with each step I was more human in outward form and less inside. It was raining, I remember"

"And cold"

Axel cut him off. "I didn't mean at first. I meant here."

"Ah."

"Did you feel anything after coming back?"

"Hm. Upon arriving here...?"

"That I had narrowly escaped death at your hands and that I had gained a second chance. That it was perhaps providence that I was alive and well, having escaped my doom. And that this city was indeed beautiful, something very new; and that I only wished I had the heart to truly appreciate it."

Axel waved a hand impatiently again. "I meant after you became Ienzo due to that stupid curse and went back to normal."

"Then you should specify that."

"You say "When you first arrived' and it could mean ANYTHING."

"Sorry, I'm... " Axel shook his head. "Okay, I suck with English, whatever. What did you experience when you returned to being Zexion after being Ienzo due to the Trickster curse."

"..."

"Disgusted. the true Ienzo was not nearly so naiive. Naiive yes, but not to that extreme. I was a carictature of my former self, a bad child's drawing done by those who did not understand. ... and disappointed that I was not given a real heart, which is possibly why I was quite so... cliched. I did not truly have the capacity to -be- Ienzo becuase I only believed I had a heart."

Axel hunched slightly. "Guess I can't make a decent comparison - although it's been so long since I was ten that its hard to remember if that's how I really was or not."

And then a frown. "You dick, you lied to me."

"I did?"

"Yeah. You lied to me when I was a kid, about having a heart."

"And what would you have had me do? Tell you the truth, and have you run amok telling everyone about your nightmares?"

".... good point, I guess."

Axel sighed. "There's something else, but you have to promise not to strangle me if I tell you."

"I will not strangle you if you tell me," said Zexion. Other things are not out of the question of course... he thought.

Axel bit his lip. "Did you wonder why it took me so long to come over here?"

"No?"

"I, uh, passed out on my way over. Kind of dumb, actually."

Zexion sighed. "And here I had assumed it was becuse you can no longer use the Corridors."

Axel drummed his fingers on his thigh. That was something else he wanted to discuss, but... "it was really weird. There was this... cloud thing. And then I conked out and started seeing things. And the incredibly freaky part is... I think all of it was real"

Zexion's eyebrow raised. "I think I should like to see this for myself."

"Well... I don't know if you CAN." He was figiting. "They were my memories. Except... I've never done any of the things I 'remembered'."

"Tell me."

"I was... FRIENDS with Roxas. In spite of being a big asshole, I was friends with him. And... a fourteenth member. Xion."

Zexion stiffened at that name, his face darkening slightly.

Axel scratched the back of his neck, looking away. "And then she left. And then ROXAS left. And well... you know what my damn job is."

"Yes."

"If you were ordered to kill the one thing that meant more to you than anyone else, what would you do?"

And here he gave a rueful smile. "Axel, I already have. And I did, becuase at the point when I was asked I was no longer capable of love. Do you know what it is to love a world? To love one's city and one's home, to love one's people? Well... no. I did not. Maybe it's a lie then. Ienzo hated his people. But he did love literature, and art, and sunrises, and waterfalls and flowers and good food, and his friends. And when Xehanort asked him to destroy it all, he did so gladly."

"Yes, Zexion. But Ienzo wasn't a Nobody."

"This is true.

Which perhaps makes it all the more horrifying, don't you think?"

"That's not it, though. There's more"

"Oh?"

"Roxas was kidnapped by DiZ and taken to a digital simulation of Twilight Town. I tried to hack him out, and I lost. DiZ reprogrammed him - he didn't remember me at all."

Again, Zexion stiffened at the name DiZ. "That old fool, he should know to leave well enough alone."

"Oh, you know him?"

"Know him? Axel, he was my former master."

"Was he now?" Axel seemed indifferent to that matter. He heaved a sigh. "The part that bugs me the most is, I think... after that? Or at least in the vision or whatever it was, I was planning to leave the Organization myself."

Zexion's look was icy - to him, the Organization was family, and already he'd made it clear how he felt about Axel's actions in Castle Oblivion.

"Don't give me that look. Despite my behavior in Castle Oblivion, I honestly have - had? no intentions of leaving. But when fucking SAIX gives you a mandate like "Kill Roxas or we kill you? There's kind of no option there."

"No." His voice was flat, neutral, betraying no emotion. He knew not how to feel about this

Frankly, neither did Axel. A sudden year of a life he didn't remember. A year...

And when he thought about that friendship... no, that was stupid.

All the same... "Zexion, I. I've already made it clear that I don't want any more part in the resonance crystal business, but... without Larxene I really think you should stop."

He pursed his lips, eyes narrowing. "I will make that choice when I see fit."

But he had to admit, it seemed pointless without her.

"What, until you get caught? Until you don't have any allies left?"

"Don't lecture me. And here I was about to offer you a job."

Axel perked up. "Really?"

"If you're going to give me speeches about morality and conscience - which I find terribly hypocritical from you - I won't. But yes. I need someone to take care of the Sword. It is quite profitable after all."

"I'd hate to lose half of my buisness."

An indignant snort erupted from Axel. "What, I'm not allowed to grapple with my own morality? Don't worry, I'll leave you alone. Guess I'll run it, yeah."

"You can grapple with YOUR morality, just kindly not with MINE. And thank you."

"Yeah." A pause. "Guess this means I should tell Argus I'm quitting."

"That would be wise."

"Good thing I learned how to sharpen weapons like... yesterday."

"... ah yes, you don't have to sharpen your chakrams. Perhaps you're not qualified.

"... I just said I learned." Axel stood and walked to the other side of the shop, retrieving one of the swords from the bundle and coming back to Zexion. "I know I"m not as good as Larxene, but I can do it.

"Well, good."

"And I already know Argus, so that part shouldn't be so hard."

"yes, of course..." and here Zexion yawned.

"Yeah, me too." Axel stood. "Well, I better head back and sleep. What time do you want me to come in?"

"We open at ten"

A wave. "See you tomorrow, then."

"Sleep well, Axel."

Oh, right. "Hey, since the deal with Argus is food and board for work, that means... I have to move. Roxas too. Do you know if anyone is renting?"

"I am afraid I don't," said Zexion. "However, Larxene lived completely alone. I imagine that her house is avaliable."

Axel shrugged. "Guess I'll take it, then. Do you want her stuff?"

"Please."

Another nod. "Alright, I'll move tomorrow and have Roxas pack it up for you, if he isn't busy."

"Reasonable enough."

"Right then. See you in the morning."

And with that, he was gone.