Fried Lice Anyone? - Bad Girls Fan Fic (Pat/Sheena)
Name: DaSolution

Title: This Bloody Island - Fried Lice Anyone?

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters from Bad Girls, they belong to Shed Productions.

Fandom: Bad Girls

Pairing: Pat/Sheena

Rating: R

Summary: Pat and Sheena's dining out.



Notes: This is not part of any of the four parts of This Bloody Island, it's a stand-alone story. However I STRONGLY suggest you read at least Part 1 of This Bloody Island to understand the story better.

Note: I'll admit the grammar and spelling sucks because I did the entire story in about 1 week without doing any serious spell checking or grammar checking. I didn't want to use Microsoft Word's spell checker because it would Americanise my story. However I installed OpenOffice the other day and I like that program more than Microsoft Word. Now that you know what's going on, the only thing I got to say is fuck you Microsoft Word, fuck you America, fuck you Great Britain, fuck all of you dumb dykes at AfterEllen, fuck you Liz May Brice, fuck you Debra Stephenson, fuck you Montana, I mean Manhattan, I mean Mandana Jones, fuck you Simone Lahbib and your jihad-crazy, camel-humping family, and fuck you Bill Gates, you can kiss my ass you nerdy monopolistic bitch.

Website: schooner(dot)t35(dot)com

Fried Lice Anyone?

As I was on British Snobs Airways heading back home from my time in England, I was in first class looking at the TV screen in front of me. All they had was boring British comedies, boring British Movies, and Bad Girls. If it isn't Benny Hill or The Long Good Friday or my boy Sasha Baron Cohen (Da Ali G, Borat) then I'm not watching it. So I decided that I might as well go to sleep. I press the button above me for assistance so I can get a blanket. I've done enough travelling to finally get my body use to sleeping in an aeroplane. Then a male flight attendant started to walk by.

"Can you get me a blanket please?"

But as soon as he got closer to my seat and saw who I was, he was frightening.

"Oh my bloody God, it's you!" He said in a rather effeminate and gay Scottish voice.

He ran down the aisle like a madwoman screaming that I was gonna kill him. I was just surprised at the way he acted, I just wanted a blanket, I mean duvet, I mean whatever... Oh well I'll just sleep without one. I thought it would take me long but I went to sleep in about five minutes. I guess I was really tired. While I was sleeping I had a dream and it went like this:

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Pat Kerrigan and Sheena Williams were enjoying a Chinese cuisine that Pat made. They were sitting at the glass dinner table eating their meal and talking about their soon-to-be civil marriage (a big joke if you ask me) and their times together at Larkhall. They were ex-prisoners in Larkhall but now they are living in an apartment (flat). Pat is an ugly bitch who kinda looks like a man with long hair and funny looking eyes. The only thing she got going for her is her tits, I'm glad she's one of those people. It wouldn't surprise me if she has an Egg Roll between her legs. The flat was decorated rather interestingly, with a lot of Chinese decorative and furnishings, adhering to the rules of that nonsense Feng Shui. Both of them can be considered bisexuals since they were also in relationships with men. They (bisexuals) are the group that I hate the most and they are the group that I like torturing, maiming and killing the most.

"This is a wonderful dinner Pat." Sheena said.

"Thanks Sheena." Pat said then smiled something you don't see too often.

They have a large window in their apartment, perfect to break into... I guess from swinging on a rope or something like that (my dream didn't show the full details) I smashed through the window like some movie hero. However I had a hard time getting up after smashing through the window. I guess my old age is finally catching up.

"Shit, I'm a little rusty. It's been a while since I've went through a window."

They were startled to see me. I guess they knew who I was because of what Pat would say next.

"Oh shit, our dinner is absolutely ruined."

"You mean our lives." Sheena replied back, she was scared and so was Pat but Pat was trying to act tough.

Pat quickly grabbed a knife from the table while Sheena grabs one too. Eventually I was able to get up from the crash.

"Why the fuck can't you leave us alone? We did nothing to you to make you to treat us the way you do." Pat said.

"You're on this earth aren't you? The world would be a better place without people like you and your girlfriend Gia."

"Her name is Sheena, not Gia!"

"I know that but just like that late-model Gia Carangi, she ain't nothing but a junkie dyke, Sheena Easton looks much better than that Red Riding Hood Junkie girlfriend of yours. As for you, you're just an ugly-ass, pit bull-face, cunt-eating dyke."

When I said that Pat was about to charge me, but I told her while sticking out my hand in a stopping position.

"Now wait a minute, before I kick both of your bi-dyke asses why don't you finish eating Lassie and Garfield the Cat."

Pat was very insulted by my comment about her food so she threw the knife at me but I dodged it. Then she picked up one of the plates and threw it like a deadly Frisbee at me. I dodged that one too. Then Pat started to charge at me but this time I stopped her with a sharp left jab and stinging right jab. Just when I was about to finish her off with a devastating uppercut Sheena came up behind me and hit me with a plate on my shoulders. That was really painful and I fell down to the floor, then Sheena tried to kick me at my face but I was able to grab her feet just before it got to my face and bite her ankle. Yuck, I hate white meat.

"AAAHHHH!" She was screaming when I bit that dirty dyke's ankle, I think I saw some needle marks on it. Oh God, I must wash my mouth after I kill both of these Female Faggots.

I got up as quickly as I could but as soon as I got up Pat punched me in the face. Then she gave me her own combos and I was reeling back from the hits. However as soon as she tried to kick me I dodged it and quickly gave her strong left jab to the nose. I saw Sheen was getting ready to punch me so I quickly kick her right at her ribs and then her face. She was down for a while, that gave me some time to deal with Ms. Ugly Pat.

While Pat was holding her nose, I looked at that ugly, bi-bitch ho dead in her eyes and told her "I'm gonna slap your slanted-eyes back to normal. WONG DING DONG CHING CHANG CHUNG” I said while mocking Chinese. I have nothing against Chinese or other Orientals; I just did it to mess with Pat's head. So I slapped her with all of my might, but her eyes remained the same. She was down for a while.

Now I went to my bag and grabbed an item, then I went to Sheena and squeeze her cheeks so that her tongue would stick out. Then I pull out the hypodermic needle that I got from the bag, it was filled with heroin.

"Here's something you can put your tongue on besides Pat's pussy, that's if she has one which I seriously doubt she does, you pathetic bisexual." I said to Sheena.

There was enough heroin to knock a water buffalo out, perfect to get rid of Sheena. So I stuck the needle into her confused-dyke tongue and shot the heroin up in it. She eventually overdosed and died.

Now I can deal with that butt-ugly bisexual Patricia Kerrigan and I knew the perfect weapon for that filthy pendulum, The Solution. Yes The Solution, a modified cricket bat with a titanium core made to deal with the most worthless, pathetic, despicable, unfaithful, backstabbing, flaky humans on this planet: bisexuals. It was made especially for bisexual butches, like Pat.

"Hey Pat, let me introduce you to a friend of mine who also goes 'both ways'"

"Oh shit! Not The Solution!"

"Fuck yeah you dirty bi-bitch! Now I'm gonna make you pay the consequences of being a bisexual." So I swung The Solution right at Pat and she dropped instantly from the blow. I hit her a few more times just for good measure, a bisexual can never have too many beatings.

Pat then got up and tried to hit me, but this time I hit her with a few punches and then I did something unusual, I poked her in the eyes with my two fingers like Moe from The Three Stooges.

"Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck, nyuck!" Yep that famous quote from Curly. Smile

She was holding her eyes from the pain that I gave her, that gave me more time to get something from the kitchen. So I went into the kitchen and got the wok that she used to cook the dogs and cats with. Then I came running to Pat who was still holding her eyes and told her this.

"It's time for me to put you out to the cleaners. Sayonara bitch!"

Then I whacked her face with the wok, like a Chinese gong. She fell out of the window and landed on the street, the apartment was about five floors (storeys) high. That beef and broccoli (that's a bisexual favourite dish isn't it?) eating bitch was dead.

Then I woke up, it was still another 2 hours before I get back to home. I was wondering what's going on with Jim?

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Meanwhile at Larkhall, Pat and Sheena were in the old dusty hanging cell with Jim...

Jim said to them "It's time for me to straighten you two out..."

THE END