I just finished watching the CC Roast of Bob Saget. Remember how I said that
when comics eat shit, I want to cry? That was Norm MacDonald. He was terrible. It made me sad for him. These are the times when you wish you could rewind the clock and send him some comedy writers to help him along. Cloris Leachman, however, was brilliant, and as always, Greg Giraldo and Jeffrey Ross were wonderful. I adore Jeff Ross. In him, my passion for Jews, comedians, and awkward-looking chubby men become one (perhaps that's why I like David Krumholtz). I wish there were more roasts since that's the only time Jeff Ross gets any work.
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My sponsor's words to me last night must have really done a number on me because I couldn't find the strength to go to work today. I managed to drive to my parents' house to get my work uniform (in fear of falling asleep the whole time during the drive), and after I got my uniform on, I called in to work, said I'd be late, and went back to sleep. At 12:30, I called back in and said I wouldn't be showing up. It's nearly 3:00 now, I'm on my second energy drink, and I still don't feel like moving around to do anything. I really hope this doesn't get me fired; that's the last thing I need. I think it's a combination of the eating disorder, the medication I'm on, and a general feeling of hopelessness.
Another thing my sponsor said that I didn't mention in yesterday's voice post is that maybe I haven't hit my rock bottom yet. She could be right. Maybe occasional prostitution wasn't enough of a low. My parents still want me around. Maybe I need to experience an overdose, homelessness, and getting charged with 25-to-life in a federal prison. Because that would be a rock-bottom for sure. Maybe that's what she's telling me I need to experience before I'm able to completely surrender my will and my life to God and this program. But you know what?
That's totally unnecessary. Sure, sometimes I think my life wasn't that bad. Sometimes I remember only the good feelings. But that's just my addict talking to me. Do I really want the degradation of being a stripper again? No, I just want an easier, softer way, and my twisted thinking starts making deals and compromises. I think the important thing for me to keep in mind is that while sometimes I would like to use again, I don't give in to it. I stick to my sobriety because I know it's a life raft.
If I were stranded in the ocean, treading water constantly to keep from drowning, I'd get tired after a while, and I'd want to stop treading. I'd say that death would be easier than this. But I'd keep treading because I'm not ready to die. I'm not ready to give up. It's the same thing with recovery. I know I could stop trying, but if I go back to using, it's only a matter of time before I'm dead, and while I love God, I'm not ready to be with Him yet. So again, I choose recovery today.
I'm going to make some more phone calls today and reach out in the hopes of finding more strength. I can't continue to take blows from my sponsor. As I told my roommate last night, sometimes I think about relapsing just so I won't have to deal with my sponsor anymore, and that's just sick. My roommate asked if she could give me some advice, I said yes, and she recommended that I find a new sponsor as soon as possible.
I think that's what I'll do this evening.
Also, another woman at my meeting last night strongly urged me to stop journaling online. She said that the things I say could come back to haunt me. I already know that. I've been blogging for about six years, and I've had my share of repercussions for my online activity. I've lost hosting over things I've said online, and I would imagine that many of us remember the mess with
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penguingal and
pro_f_iler following a suicide post I wrote two years ago. I understood this woman's concerns, but my head is dangerous territory, and I feel like doing my journaling publicly opens up the mess in my head to others so I can get feedback and be held accountable. Since I do "answer" to my friends list about the things I do, I understand that when I make decisions, they're going online. It helps me to think twice or at least understand that whatever I do, "everyone" is going to know about it. So I plan on continuing with Live Journal, at least for now.
I'm a little disappointed that no one called me last night, but it's okay. I understand that it would be unfair of me to expect people online to drop what they're doing for my benefit when I've done so little to offer that same favor. Let's be honest here; how often do I respond to your posts? So until I step up as a true friend to you (which I don't know that I have the willingness to do yet when I'm still so wrapped up in my own crap), I can't expect anyone to do the same. Guilting someone into doing something is manipulation and taking hostages, and I'm trying very hard to not do that anymore. I owe you all that kind of respect.
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r_morrow_daily
