Marshall Payne ([info]marshall_payne) wrote in [info]query_eagles,
@ 2008-05-12 12:18:00
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Current mood: curious
Entry tags:query proposal

Here’s mine

Does this give you a good idea what the novel is about and what’s at stake?

Dear Agent:

I have recently completed a period fantasy novel of 118,000 words entitled Dark Caravan, and I am seeking representation.

Dark Caravan is a light romantic fantasy with dark undertones. Young Prince Jovenal, curious to discover the true nature of his betrothed, assumes the guise of Sir Kip, the foppish escort who is to lead the wedding cortège back to the imperial city. Soon he finds himself falling in love with the princess and trapped in his self-imposed lie. Meanwhile, on the bottom end of the world, an exiled wizard plots his revenge by attacking the caravan using a dangerous form of dimensional travel that warps the body as well as the mind. When the caravan soldiers begin dying left and right, it looks like the only hope they have will come from their own inexperienced magus, whose magical talents are questionable, and the prince’s quick wits and jeweled rapier which has never seen battle.

This is a character-driven novel that through both humor and passion examines various individual roles in this secondary-world society, the schism between the haves and the have nots. I’ve enclosed a brief synopsis and the first four pages of the novel. I’d be happy to send you the entire manuscript upon request.

I have 18 published short stories of SF and fantasy and I am an interviewer and reviewer at The Fix.

Best,

Marshall Payne


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[info]magicalbookworm
2008-05-12 05:29 pm UTC (link)
Hope my suggestions can help!

Interesting story, one I would pick up if I read that on the back of the book.

Some suggestions:

"light romantic fantasy with dark undertones." I have a hard time understand how a novel can be a light romantic with dark understones, they seem to canncel each one out. Maybe just drop the light, a romantic fantasy with dark undertones. :)

"dangerous form of dimensional travel that warps the body as well as the mind" This makes me wonder if that has happened to the wizard or those he attacks?

"own inexperienced magus" this character seems to come out of the blue and you do miss him if you read through this quickly.

Good luck!

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[info]marshall_payne
2008-05-12 06:00 pm UTC (link)
Thanks for the input! They did help. *G*

I have a hard time understand how a novel can be a light romantic with dark understones, they seem to canncel each one out.

Without being too flip, perhaps it’s a romantic McEurope slant on the New Weird. hee I do need to change the title because it’s too dark for the lightness of most of the story. Still, while it starts out light and fun there are dark parts in the middle and end. This is what I need to work on for the query, I’ll admit. :)

"dangerous form of dimensional travel that warps the body as well as the mind" This makes me wonder if that has happened to the wizard or those he attacks?

Thanks, it needs to be “his dangerous form of dimensional...”

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[info]magicalbookworm
2008-05-12 11:09 pm UTC (link)
Glad the input helped!

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[info]ophelialaughs
2008-05-12 06:35 pm UTC (link)
To answer your question, yes I can tell what the story is about and what's at stake. The only nit I want to pick is, it seems like "self-imposed" might better describe the trap rather than the lie. That's just my opinion, of course.

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[info]marshall_payne
2008-05-12 07:28 pm UTC (link)
Thank you. With something this short it's important that every word be the right word. And as someone's mom once said, "You can only make a good first impression once." And a query letter is just that. :)

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[info]amy34
2008-05-12 07:54 pm UTC (link)
I think it works nicely. I have a good idea what sort of story it will be.

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[info]marshall_payne
2008-05-12 08:14 pm UTC (link)
Thanks, Amy!

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[info]wyld_dandelyon
2008-05-12 10:32 pm UTC (link)
A stake is something you drive through the vampire’s heart, useful in extremity, but when not in that particular extremity, definitely not as good as a steak, done rare, with a baked potato and a nice spinach dish…

OK, so that was a typo, and I knew it was a typo, but, gosh, a steak sounds good right now! Comes of writing as dinnertime draws near, no doubt.

As to your letter, I also wondered about who the exiled magus was imposing his warping dimensional travel upon, himself or the caravan, and your proposed fix didn't answer that for me.

"Light romantic fantasy with dark undertones" didn't bother me. On the one hand, I liked the contrast between light and dark, the wordplay in the phrase suggests that a portrayal of social contrasts will be a part of what I can expect in the story; on the other hand, there's nearly always a dark villain (or dark societal rules, or a dark familial background) in light romantic fantasy, so the phrase doesn't tell me anything that would make the story stand out as unique, or help me to know in what way it is unique.

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[info]mikandra
2008-05-12 11:34 pm UTC (link)
I have recently completed a period fantasy novel of 118,000 words entitled Dark Caravan, and I am seeking representation.

Miss Shark says you don't really need this right here. She prefers to launch straight into the story. But IMO this is short and sweet, and I can't see a problem with this

Dark Caravan is a light romantic fantasy with dark undertones. Young Prince Jovenal, curious to discover the true nature of his betrothed, assumes the guise of Sir Kip, the foppish escort who is to lead the wedding cortege back to the imperial city. Soon he finds himself falling in love with the princess and trapped in his self-imposed lie.

This sounds like fun.

Meanwhile, on the bottom end of the world, an exiled wizard plots his revenge by attacking the caravan using a dangerous form of dimensional travel that warps the body as well as the mind.

er - what revenge. On whom? Why? Why was revenge needed? Who was the subject of the revenge?

When the caravan soldiers begin dying left and right, it looks like the only hope they have will come from their own inexperienced magus, whose magical talents are questionable, and the prince's quick wits and jeweled rapier which has never seen battle.

Uhm - but the prince was disguised. Has he suddenly given up his disguise? What has happened to the thorny situation you described so well in the first few sentences?

This is a character-driven novel that through both humor and passion examines various individual roles in this secondary-world society, the schism between the haves and the have nots.

If your hook is well-written, there is no need for telly sentences like this. In other words: show us it's character-driven, don't tell us (which you've already done in the first few sentences, so nix this sentence)

I've enclosed a brief synopsis and the first four pages of the novel. I'd be happy to send you the entire manuscript upon request.

I have 18 published short stories of SF and fantasy and I am an interviewer and reviewer at The Fix.

Cool

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[info]marshall_payne
2008-05-12 11:47 pm UTC (link)
Thanks, Patty!

I’m new to this query biz, so I have lots to learn. How much is too much? When is something not enough. So I’ll play with this some more.

You actually read and critted the first chapter of this on OWW a while back. I’ve written seven completed novels, but decided to concentrate on short stories for a couple of years. Now I want to be a novelist again, so I’m picking this one, novel #7, to market. :)

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[info]mikandra
2008-05-12 11:56 pm UTC (link)
I remember that chapter.

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[info]talithakalago
2008-05-12 11:50 pm UTC (link)
Miss Shark.... I HOPE you mean Miss Snark!

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[info]mikandra
2008-05-13 12:00 am UTC (link)
I do and I don't. Literary agent Janet Reid, aka 'Miss Snark' started a new query site Query Shark and I'm just being smart-arsey here by calling her Miss Shark. Her and other agents' blogs were my main motivation for setting this up. I posted revised queries on my blog, but probably caught my LJ friends who weren't writing queries unawares.

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[info]talithakalago
2008-05-13 12:27 am UTC (link)
I is understanding the pun now.

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[info]talithakalago
2008-05-12 11:51 pm UTC (link)
"This is a character-driven novel that through both humor and passion examines various individual roles in this secondary-world society, the schism between the haves and the have nots."

I'd leave this out. Show don't tell counts in query letters too.

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[info]justin_pilon
2008-05-13 05:02 pm UTC (link)
Hi Marshall,

A few of my comments:

I think it sounds good, but I would try to simplify and clarify your
query. The query letter is really a different animal than the actual
novel. I think you want it to read as quickly and smoothly as possible and (hopefully) hook the agent/editor. Some of your sentences seem a little too complicated might be more effective if simplified.

"When the caravan soldiers begin dying left and right, it looks like the only hope they have will come from their own inexperienced magus, whose magical talents are questionable, and the prince’s quick wits and jeweled rapier which has never seen battle."

This sentence seems convoluted. Try to keep it simple and not to cram in too many details (or maybe break them down, this sentence seems overloaded). Also like another person mentioned the Magus seems thrown in. "Dying left and right" may be a little cliche, but this is subjective.

"This is a character-driven novel that through both humor and passion examines various individual roles in this secondary-world society, the schism between the haves and the have nots."

Again I'm thinking this is too complicated. "Secondary world society". I have to stop and think what you mean here, probably not a good thing as your moving into the conclusion. Also remember to reserve some space for talking about their blog, some of their clients, etc. Sucking up really seems like part of the query like it or not...

Also as someone else mentioned what is the dark wizard's motivation?
He's attacking the caravan out of revenge, but revenge for what?

"Warps the body as well as the mind" I figure this sentence could hook some people, but also turn others off because it is too vague. I'm not sure. Maybe get a few people's opinion on this...

Hope that was helpful!

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[info]marshall_payne
2008-05-13 05:31 pm UTC (link)
Thanks for your considered thoughts, Justin. I will consider them as well. :)

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