This doesn't feel as good to me, or as smooth, as the last version. I actually prefer the last version, although this does more of what all of you (and others) have told me it needs to do. Can't I have it both ways???

Dear Query Eagles:

They’d all lied. His great-grandfather hadn’t been a hero, in spite of the tales they’d told him all his life. Family-disappointing, flunked-out college student Chuck McManis knew it because he was living those tales. One moment, he’d been strolling the boardwalks at Old Faithful, and the next an earthquake had plunged him eighty years into the past – and into the boots of the man he’d idolized since he was a boy.

Nobody told him he wouldn’t know how to survive the wilderness alone for days. Or getting kidnapped by Indians. He can’t abandon the woman who survived with him to try to get back to his own time. But by the time they make it back to civilization and a whole new set of complications, he knows in no uncertain terms that the past is where he belongs. Because Emma is not only the one woman he can really care about, she is both his future and his past. But he’d left himself a legacy the last time around, and when the long-lost opportunity to fulfill it becomes possible, he is faced with a decision he never wanted, one where he could lose not only his own life, but that of everyone he left behind.

Repeating History, a 115,000 word historical adventure novel, is based on several events, including the 1959 Hebgen Lake earthquake, the ordeal of Truman Everts, who was lost in the wilderness of early Yellowstone for 37 days, and the 1877 flight to Canada of Chief Joseph and the Nez Perce Indians and the accounts by the early tourists they captured along the way.

I have been researching Yellowstone National Park’s history for many years. My undergraduate degree is in literature and history, and I have a master’s degree in library science.

May I send you more?

Here is another story I've been working on. At the moment it's a series of two 10K short stories, or at least parts are, but I think this has merit as novel.

Does this make sense?

Any comments?

I've been a bit worried about the 'protagonist'. He's not really a protagonist, but an antagonist-turned protagonist. Any thoughts?

BTW - the full title of the short story (currently with a magazine) is Hearts of Ice and Fire. It's actually a really good fit for the book as well, except - yes I know about the George R.R. Martin book with a very similar title.

In the great frigid land of the south, they call it icefire. Across the border, they call it sonorics, the radiation from an age-old contraption buried deep under the City of Glass.
The sorcerer Tandor calls it magic and for years he has gathered an army of imperfects, babies born crippled but with the ability to harness the power, whatever name you apply to it. With this army Tandor will conquer source of the power, the legendary ‘heart of the city’, he will stop imperfect babies being abandoned on the ice floes; he will topple the queen, he will reign, and punish those who caused him misery, and smite their families.

But when he finds the heart of the city, he unleashes an explosion of icefire not even his army can contain. Badly burnt and a refugee in his hated Chevakia, he is forced to accept help from the very people he sought to dominate: the steam-age Chevakians, the exiled court of the City of Glass, and ‘his’ army of teenaged magicians. Only together do they have the remotest chance of defeating the evil power that has already destroyed a civilisation once.

Is it okay to post revisions on a query for critique? If it isn't, just let me know and I'll take the post down. Thanks! Oh, and thank you very much for the comments on my original query. They made all the difference in the world, and caused me to change the second paragraph a great deal to include Chuck's inner journey.

Dear Query Eagles:

They’d all lied. His great-grandfather hadn’t been a hero, in spite of the tales they’d told him all his life. 20-year-old Chuck McManis knew it because he was living those tales. One moment, he’d been strolling the boardwalks at Old Faithful, and the next an earthquake had plunged him eighty years into the past – and into the boots of the man he’d idolized since he was a boy.

No one had said the first word about the terror of wandering the wilderness for days, fighting hunger and dodging bears. No one had mentioned the sheer stupidity it took to get kidnapped by Indians, or the guts he’d had to grow to escape over miles of mountains to civilization, which wasn’t civilization at all by his 1950s standards. Or the courage it took to accept that he couldn’t go back to his own time, to take on his new world, and to live up to Great-Granddad’s legacy. Worst of all, no one had told him that the love of his life was married to another man. Or what would happen to his own personal mobius strip of a life if he didn’t win her for himself.

Then again, no one had mentioned what a pain in the neck his Great-Aunt Ida had been as a kid, either.

Repeating History, a 115,000 word historical adventure novel, is based on several actual events, including the 1959 Hebgen Lake earthquake, the ordeal of Truman Everts, who was lost in the wilderness of early Yellowstone for 37 days, and the 1877 flight to Canada of Chief Joseph and the Nez Perce Indians and the accounts by the early tourists they captured along the way.

I have been researching Yellowstone National Park’s history for many years. My undergraduate degree is in literature and history, and I have a master’s degree in library science.

May I send you more?

Sincerely,

M. M. Justus

Personalized from a new intern, but still it's at least something. You have until the 23rd!

http://litsoup.blogspot.com/2008/07/personalized-query-rejections-for.html

Dear Query Eagles:

They’d all lied. His great-grandfather hadn’t been a hero, in spite of the tales they’d told him all his life. 20-year-old Chuck McManis knew it because he was living those stories. One moment, he’d been strolling the boardwalks at Old Faithful, and the next an earthquake had plunged him eighty years into the past – and into the boots of the man he’d idolized since he was a boy.

No one had said the first word about the fear and exhaustion of wandering through the wilderness for days, fighting hunger and dodging bears. No one had mentioned the sheer stupidity it took to get kidnapped by Indians, or what it was like to escape and hike miles over mountains back to civilization, which wasn’t civilization at all by 1950s standards. And no one had told him that the love of his life would be married to another man. Or what would happen to his own personal mobius strip of a life if he didn’t win her for himself.

Then again, no one had mentioned what a pain in the neck his Great-Aunt Ida had been as a kid, either.

The plot of Repeating History, a 115,000 word historical adventure novel, has been based on several actual events, including the 1959 Hebgen Lake earthquake, the ordeal of Truman Everts, who was lost in the wilderness of early Yellowstone for 37 days, and the flight to Canada of Chief Joseph and the Nez Perce Indians and the accounts by the early tourists they kidnapped along the way.

I have been researching Yellowstone National Park’s history for many years. My undergraduate degree is in literature and history, and I have a master’s degree in library science.

May I send you more?

This is my currrent WIP. I have now almost finished the third draft. After this, I want to do one more draft for fine-tuning ang minor logic issues, but I'm getting close to trying this one out. Here is what I've so far come up with for the query hook paragraph:

Never mind that Cory Wilson’s job description didn’t include becoming a pawn in an intergalactic stand-off, he’s doing a good job at it regardless. A negotiator in a long-standing conflict between Nations of Earth and the Union of Intergalactic Entities, he has completed eight years of training in alien language and custom, all in the name of integration and understanding. Then he gets caught in the worst place at worst possible time.
One moment Cory is in a meeting with the Nations of Earth president, the next moment someone fires an alien gun through the window, killing the president. Within minutes, Cory’s life spins out of control, facing a wall of hostility from his own people.
You, Mr Wilson, suggested we talk to these aliens? You, who seem to be overly cosy with them?
His alien employers whisk him off-planet; they don’t take kindly to being accused of a crime they say they didn’t commit. Given excessive security – read: bullied and isolated - Cory starts his own investigations. He has in his pocket a datastick given to him by the president just before he died. Its mysterious contents may well have played some major role. Really? Climate data? A plan for a major alien settlement... on Earth? Hang on...

I was referred here by novel_in_90, and thought that perhaps you all could help.
-----

Dear Mr./Ms. Agentperson,

Giving his own eulogy—through an old tape-recorder and a pulpit microphone—Robert Harding tells the tale of his life as a lycanthrope and all that it entails: the fights with his alpha, his day job at Executioner Comics, his botched love-life, the poet-laureate/beast in his head, and the obsessive ex-girlfriend who will not leave him be.

It seems that everyone knows Robert’s secret, except for his best friend, Katherine. But when she starts having disturbing and vaguely prophetic dreams, she must be introduced to a world unkind to human interference.

Roberts penchant wisecracks lands him into trouble when his ex-girlfriend, the 400-year-old vampire named Jacqueline Marx, re-enters his life. Using seduction, torture, and kidnapping, Jacqueline endeavors to coerce Robert to betray his friends, family, and lycanthropic traditions. But if Robert Harding wants to be known for anything, it is his abhorrence to taking orders.

Nocturnal Melee is a 52,000 word urban fantasy novel that blurs the line between “geek” and “freak.” It is my debut novel, though I have other writing experience including the Fir Acres Workshop at Lewis and Clark College. I am currently at work on my second novel, The Suits.

Thank you for your time and consideration. I have enclosed a SASE and look forward to hearing back from you.

Please note: This is not a finished query for a finished novel. This is a proposal for how I might structure the book that I haven't even started to write.

I'd like to know if this makes sense, if it sounds like something you would read.

Willow magic

As the well-bred daughter of a rich merchant, Johanna is not supposed to talk of her willow magic. Neither should she get her clogs dirty in the marketplace to talk to a young magician, Loesie, who predicts the fall of the kingdom from the flow of water in the canals. Least of all should she shelter Loesie in her father’s sea-cow barn.
When the easterners invade, the barn is one of the few places in the city that doesn’t burn. Amidst the fighting, a young man finds shelter, too: prince Raold, heir to the throne. His parents murdered by the easterners, he wants to travel on a river boat to the neighbouring kingdom to ask his uncle for help. Loesie knows how to handle sea cows and pilot the boat. Johanna deals with the soldiers they meet on the river banks, as well as with the prince’s burgeoning ego.
She warns him, but Raold is far too bold; his uncle has joined with the easterners, and has his nephew killed. Loesie and Johanna forced to work as slaves. Johanna vows to restore the kingdom. She calls on her forbidden magic to whisper messages to her fellow willow prisoners. Led by her, they form a band, and a plan for escape. Still, it’s probably not a good idea facing a burly enemy king armed with only a willow switch.

Hi! I learned about this site through Eliza's blog. I have two query letters for the same book:

Query #1: 

Dear Example:

 

 

I was made aware through (List organization) that you are interested in science fiction and fantasy. I have written a book called Lost Days which I hope to be the first book in a series.  I would like to request a reading of my manuscript and hope that you will represent my work.

 

Lost Days focuses on the two main characters of this series, a mousy antique book clerk named Eve Baptiste and a rogue sorceress named Jude Bishop.  Eve is cursed not only with the ability to see ghosts but to also become possessed by them.  Jude Bishop is a rogue sorceress who has just returned to the “mundane” or real world after being trapped in a time loop for the past twenty-three years after losing control of her powers.  Neither woman is aware that she is suspected to be one half of a soul belonging to an ancient sorcerer prophesied to bring about the end of the universe.  Matters are complicated when they both find themselves hunted not only by the vampires of the city but by the Order of Mages, an organization that has been keeping tabs on the reincarnated souls for centuries.

 

Jude Bishop escapes the time loop and finds herself in the same alley she started in.  She is aided by the child vampire Dori who takes her into her home, a dilapidated house in a neighborhood that has been abandoned since hurricane Katrina.  Through Dori Jude learns that twenty-three years have passed since she was attacked in the alley and witnessed the death of the only man she ever loved.  When Tara, the child of a friend of Dori, becomes sick Jude is forced to turn to an old friend for help risking exposure and possibly her own life.

 

Meanwhile, Eve’s “gift” allows her to see more than she should at the Dead Bohemian, a night club owned and operated by the vampires Lucas and his business partner Elle. While trying to escape a persistent and hungry vampire named Max, Eve hides in Lucas’s office where the owner finds her.  She becomes possessed before he can smooth things over and she is brought to the alley Jude has vacated hours ago.  The ghost leads her to the most recent victim of the “Party Girl” killer.  Before Eve can decide what to do next, she is attacked by Max whom she stakes him in self defense.

 

This novel will showcase the major players in the series, including a surprise character introduced at the end.  The general focus of the series will concern itself with the destiny of these two women and their efforts to escape it once they learn the truth.  Each novel will be titled after a song mentioned in each book.

 

Lost Days is my first attempt at publishing a novel.  It was written last November for National Novel Writer’s Month and has been expanded and edited since then.

 

Please let me know if you would like me to submit all or part of my manuscript for review.  Thank you for your time and I look forward to hearing from you in the future.

 

 

 

Thank You,

 

 

 

(Author’s Name)

Query #2:

Dear Example,

 

I would like to request a reading of my manuscript and hope that you will represent my work.  I have written a 101,000 word novel, Lost Days, which I hope to be the first book in a series.  It is a supernatural thriller along the lines of the Anita Blake series by Laurell Kaye Hamilton.

 

Eve Baptiste is an antique book clerk with an unfortunate ability:  She can see ghosts.  Eve has spent a lifetime working to build a wall of normalcy to keep these specters at bay, but her world becomes more complicated when she learns that ghosts aren’t her only problem.  Vampires also exist, a lesson she learns after killing one in self defense.  Her perceptions are challenged and her life is threatened when Dead Bohemian club owner Lucas is ordered by the head of the New Orleans vampire council to hunt her down. 

 

Meanwhile a group of powerful mages called the Order fight over Eve’s fate as well as the fate of the returned Jude Bishop, a rogue sorceress who has spent the last twenty years trapped in a time loop due to a backfired spell.  Are these two women the lost “twin souls” destined to bring about the end of everything or is someone giving fate a nudge in the wrong direction?

 

Lost Days is my first attempt at publishing a novel.  It was written last November for National Novel Writer’s Month.  Please let me know if you would like me to submit all or part of my manuscript to review.

 

Thank you for your time and I look forward to hearing from you in the future.

 

Sincerely,

(Author’s Name)

Which one do you think is best or should I scrap them both and try again?

Another agent post about query letters here, somewhat tongue-in-cheek, I suppose.

I'm guessing/hoping that what she means to say is don't start your query with a whole bunch of questions you're not going to explain, but one or two questions that are explained are fine.

Duh. Agents and their hangups!

Hi there all. My name is markalders. I have been directed here by marshall_payne. I have a query letter that I have been working on. Does one post the whole thing and can it be posted under lock? 

((Something I'd been planning for a while-- I thought I'd start refining the idea early.))


Dear Mr. Example,

Lilith Fortis was a pirate queen before she awoke in an asylum. She had been placed there at age eight; she's now twenty three.

Half-mad in a land of darkness and machinery, Lilith is released prematurely by her optimistic father as soon as he gets word that she is coherent. Lilith meets and agrees to escort a recently blinded woman named Merrily to her distant home, as Merrily will only accept a female companion. They aren't long out of the cities before Lilith's visions begin reappearing. As the women journey off-course and into uninhabitable wilderness Lilith and Merrily find that not everything that she sees are false dreams, and that Lilith had traded her soul for a pair of imaginary wings.

The Marionette's Waltz is a 110,000 surrealist fantasy novel of madness, manipulation, uncertain realities, and a cast of characters that each desperately need to be saved from their personal demons.

Sincerely,

This is my current WIP. I am in no way ready to start marketing this book, but I'd like to be able to formulate the book in a single paragraph that generates reader interest.

With that in mind, do you think I need more, less or just different stuff?

How does one become a pawn in an intergalactic stand-off?
Cory Wilson has it down to perfection. Offer yourself as negotiator in a long-standing conflict between Nations of Earth and the Union of Intergalactic Entities. Follow it up with eight years of training in alien language and custom, all in the name of integration and understanding, and then make sure you are in the worst place at worst possible time.
One moment Cory is in a meeting with the Nations of Earth president, the next moment someone fires an alien gun through the window, killing the president. Within minutes, Cory’s life spins out of control, and he faces a wall of hostility from his own people.
You, Mr Wilson, suggested we talk to these aliens? You, who seem to be overly cosy with them?
Except the Union is not a homogenous organisation responsible for the actions of a few. Nor is Earth the only entity which is being pushed onto the road of war. It seems as though someone, somewhere wants a fight, and Cory holds in his pocket, given to him by the dead president, vital information on who these people might be and why they are so interested in climate data, knowledge that is a death sentence in itself.

[I'm on a roll. Hope you don't mind. Promise to do some comments back next. Thanks for this feedback -- even different views. :-)

I've made adjustments to put Franke and Singh front and center just after the opening hook. I also switched the order, introducing Sadhu first, because she does enter the story first, closely followed by Franke, the investigator.

It's much shorter, so hopefully fits the bill. ]

Dear Ms/Mr xxxxx,

On a wintry June Friday, Julia Stewart's husband Michael disappears in the middle of Melbourne while on a family outing. Or so she thinks. What she doesn't remember is that she has dumped his body in the middle of Port Phillip Bay a week ago.

LOST ANCHORS is complete at 57,000 words, first in a series and the introductory meeting of the yin and yang, facts and feelings team, Detective Taylor Franke and Dr Sadhu Singh.

Julia reaches out to British/Indian/Australian Dr Sadhu Singh, her former psychiatrist and longtime family friend, for help. Sadhu moves into the Stewart home to lend her support and try to discover what has been happening in the Stewart family during the three years since Julia's attempted suicide. When Julia describes troubled dreams each morning, progressing from silly to terrorizing, Sadhu is concerned for Julia's sanity and the safety of Julia's three-year-old daughter.

While Sadhu is looking after Julia's emotional well-being, divorced father-of-two Detective Franke takes it upon himself to look into the disappearance because he too has a past police connection to Julia's family. Sparks fly when he first meets Dr Singh who he assumes to be the housekeeper. During the investigation, he uncovers curious aspects of Michael Stewart's activities, including shady investment deals and sexual preferences way outside the norm. Franke begins to suspect that Stewart has done a runner.

Written in collaboration by myself, Kirsty Roberts and Justus Lewis under the penname JJ Kirsten, LOST ANCHORS is a debut novel for each of us.

Following this letter are xxx opening pages for consideration.

I look forward to hearing from you and thank you for your time.

OK, since most people came down in favour of the previous revision, I've tweaked this a bit, and am carefully thinking of resubmitting this to the Query Shark site. Never mind that I doubt she'll approve of it. I think she's far more into chick-lit trying to be funny, but never mind. Grab a professional's opinion when you can.

I've expanded the first sentence a bit, and the ending as well. Some of the other hooks posted are quite long, so I'm not sure if length is that much of a problem.

Seventeen-year old Jessica is the most-wanted person in the universe outside Earth, but she doesn’t know it, or why.
All she knows is that sparks swirl over her skin when she is angry or upset, burning anyone too close, and that this weird ability has made her an outcast in her home town.
She has no idea that a similarly gifted man has hidden her on Earth until she is old enough to help him resurrect their reviled and near-extinct alien race.
She doesn’t know that when the aeroplane in which she travels crashes in a forest on an alien planet, this is not a freak accident, but a plan by a warmongering general to capture her and use her ability in warfare.
One thing is sure: for all her alien blood, Jessica grew up an Earth girl, and when she finds out about all these demands, she is not likely to comply with any of them without a fight. Never mind that she’s alone in a world in which citizen rights are limited to the right to be killed, she doesn’t know how to use her ability and resisting an entire army is futile. She’ll find allies, she’ll learn, she’ll fight, she’ll go home. If only it was that simple.

[Thanks for the feedback. Here's a revision:]

Dear Ms/Mr xxxxx,

On a wintry June Friday, Julia Stewart's husband Michael disappears in the middle of Melbourne. Or so she thinks. What she doesn't remember is that she has dumped his body in the middle of Port Phillip Bay a week ago.

Detective Taylor Franke investigates and uncovers curious aspects of Michael Stewart's activities: potential drug use at the Anchor restaurant, suspicious investment schemes at Stewart's bank, and sexual preferences way outside the norm at the Valet de Chambre brothel. He begins to suspect that Stewart has done a runner.

While Franke is chasing down clues, Dr Sadhu Singh, longtime family friend and Julia's former psychiatrist, tries to discover what has been happening in the Stewart family during the three years since Julia's attempted suicide. When Julia describes troubled dreams, Sadhu is concerned for Julia's sanity. Why does Julia slap daughter Michelle who asks for Daddy on the family boat, the Southern Cross? And why does Julia rush from the house through pouring rain when Detective Franke calls Sadhu to say he is on his way to the marina?

In a confrontational encounter with Franke and Sadhu on the Southern Cross, Julia's subconscious emerges from its suppressed state; she reveals her deadly actions and tells why she thought she could no longer allow Michael to live. Overtaken by guilt when she realizes Michael wasn't going to take away her daughter and that she has ended an innocent life, she races to the end of the pier and dives into the same Bay that secretes Michael's body, losing her sanity and herself. Or does she?

LOST ANCHORS is a cozy complete at 57,000 words, the first in a series that feature Detective Franke and Dr Singh. Written in collaboration by myself, Kirsty Roberts and Justus Lewis under the penname JJ Kirsten, LOST ANCHORS is a debut novel for each of us.

Following this letter are xxx opening pages for consideration.

I look forward to hearing from you and thank you for your time.

Here is another link that might interest you. It's about pitching a book live in front of an audience, but many of the tips are useful for writing a synopsis and query as well.

Okay, deep breath. I don't see much more I could do to improve this without painting the poster for the film version:

Torussenji's Priest by Ariel Cinii

A community who mines a gravity-defiant ore needs to replace their beloved priest. They get Arosde, an inventor since childhood with the sensitivities of a seer. She turns their lives upside-down when she predicts their airborne island is drifting into the middle of a tremendous sky battle. Their only hope for survival lies in a secret weapon managed by a mystery man who knows exactly why this young woman is here. She must discover what connects her to these people, then choose whether to remain on the path of peace and enlightenment or violate its restrictions and help work the weapon.

Thought I might as well work on this and get my mind off of currnet novel for a bit. Hope no one minds me post two queries in a row :)

Question: What should one add about one self if you don't have any writing credits. I've been told not to say anything. *shrug*

Dear Agent

I'm seeking representation for a 105,000 words completed fantasy novel; Battle Queen.

With the passing of a king his only heir, Katrien steps up to take the crown of an occupied nation of Credenda. For now she is only queen in name as she is forced to hide in her own city. Which becomes hard as she tries not bring attention to the new Eindorian Commander that plans to clean up any chance of rebellion before it happens. Struggling to build alliances with those that can help her, she finds herself fighting to be heard. To show those that might not wish to follow her that she can be the first Queen of Credenda.

Katrien is determined to make sure her nation takes the first step in five years to free themselves. With the chance of betrayal and the Eindorian Commander, Katrien group must tread carefully as they place together an army to fight. She knows that the path she has picked will be bloody. Freedom might come with a high price of blood and pain, if such a sacrifice brings her nation free of Eindor, she'll sacrifice the blood to do so.

A synopsis, sample chapters, and the full manuscript are available upon request. I have enclosed a business-sized SASE for your response and a postcard to inform me when my query arrives.

Thank you for your consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,



So, better worse?

I've tried so many differnet types of queries for this one and this is the one I've kept around. Right now it feels really... wordy. The novel is in first person and her real name is never used at all until the last part of the book. Might not been the best idea to do, but considering the novel is in first person I thought it worked at the time. So that is why no names are mentioned in the query. I did think that it could be interesting to write the query in first person from her point of view, but haven't yet. Any ideas on what it needs? Or if I should mention her name and worry about it not showing up in the chapters I might send?

Dear agent

I'm seeking representation for my completed science fiction novel Run at 105,000 words. This book is a stand-alone and no squeals are planned.

As a young girl lays her brother to rest; she vows to untangle the web of mystery surrounding his death and find how and why her own father was involved in his death. She then leaves the only planet she has lived on, risking the dangers of her universe over her father's wrath. Welcome to Run, a science fiction thriller that leads her on a chase through the universe.

She tries to stay out of the public eye, doing her best to hide under aliases and changing her appearance. At the same time trying to find out what happened to her brother and why. Forced to remain on the Basic planets - the ones that have little to do with the Prime worlds of the universe - she keeps everything to herself, trusts no one and makes sure that she never uses her given name.

Going by the clues her brother has left her, she finds that her brother was killed for a reason she can't yet imagine. Soon she discovers that her father has set her up as the lead suspect in her brother's death. She fights to keep herself from being found as she uncovers the truth of why her brother was killed.

It is not long before she finds out that things are not what she first thought. She'll have to think a head of her father. Using her wit and training she has to find out the reason behind her brothers death before her father destroys everything.

I hope you can take the time to consider representing me.

Sincerely