Community Profile

Welcome to the queerly_open community, where we don't assume that the default ethical open relationship paradigm is straight man, wife, and Hot Bi Babe. Of course, if you are an HBB of either sex, you're more than welcome here. This is the place to discuss any issues or thoughts you may have about your open relationships, whatever the configuration may be. This is not a forum for talking about "fucking around" though - there are plenty of places for that. Relationships is the operative word here.

While polyamory does a sterling effort in providing a forum for poly people in general, it seems that there is room for a community that has a narrower focus in concentrating on queer concerns, while at the same time settling on a fairly broad definition of open relationships, since there can be a lot of overlap between swinging, poly, don't-ask-don't-tell and other relationship setups.

There are a couple of aspects to the focus on queer issues. Firstly, most of us have already dealt with the idea of coming out to a non-standard sexuality. Secondly, and as a result, we've become aware of the effects of discrimination - both legal and societal - in our lives. We shouldn't need to be told that people won't like us or accommodate us just because of what we are.

Having said that, discussion is welcome from those who are coming out to their queerness within the context of an open relationship. It can be difficult when you thought your same-sex shagging was just about the sex... until you developed feelings. Negotiating another kind of coming out is never easy.

Also, posts are most welcome from queer-identified people who are currently in straight (and open) relationships. Been a diesel-dyke for the last 20 years and have no clue about how to deal with your developing feelings for a man, especially when you fell for his female partner first? Sick of people assuming that because you're in a straight relationship, you've lost all your queer cred (or you aren't really "that way")? Bring it here too!

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Some community rules, because what else can one do with one's innate bossiness?:

• Advertising. No advertisements, plz. If you want to recruit for the big sex-party you're throwing, do it in your own journal or somewhere that cares. Having said that, the occasional post promoting a community-related not-for-profit event is fine.


• Image posting. Related to the above, be very careful about posting images. They should be relevant to the discussion, not saying "look at me!". While your rainbow-entwined infinity symbols festooned with parrots tattoo may have deep meaning for you, it probably doesn't for the rest of us. Keep it over in your own journal.


• Bigotry. No negative "-isms" or "-phobias"are wanted. No racism, sexism, jingoism, homophobia, transphobia, biphobia, whatever. Asking questions like "Why does X group do Y" is fairly rocky ground, so please make sure you're genuine about wanting to understand your query, not passive-aggressively attacking something you disagree with. Using the word "all" in such a sentence is probably asking for trouble. Asking "Why do all dykes have hairy legs?" is definitely not going to spark the kind of debate we want around here.


• Respect. While the nature of an advice/discussion community means that there will be disagreements, they can be civil ones. No personal attacks: attack the argument, not the individual.


• Repeat offenders. Hearing the same story over and over again can become fairly wearisome to all participants in a comm. Sometimes it takes a while to work out a situation and you need to come back for further advice. No problem. But if your issue is mainly that you want to bitch about a situation without taking action or appearing to consider the advice that people might offer, your mod's patience will wear thin. In other words, shit or get off the pot.

Naturally, these guidelines may be revised and updated at any time. If there is a major change (YES! We want bigots! ...not), the community will be advised in an admin post.

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Finally, why the word "queer" to describe ourselves? First and foremost, it's a useful umbrella term to describe all of us who do not have a conventional (heterosexual) orientation. It's preferable to the alphabet soup of LGBTI... and whatever else might get added on. Secondly, in society's view, our sexuality is still considered "queer" in the old-fashioned sense of the word. That view is changing, slowly, but assuming we will be treated like anyone else is dangerously disingenuous at present. Finally, even within the les/gay/trans/you-name-it communities, our relationship orientation is "queer" too. The common options appear to be shagging around or monogamous marriage (or some unnegotiated cheating version of both) - this community is not about those standard modes of arranging relationships.

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