Advice from Sasha: The Right to Choose to Be Queer
I really liked this advice columnist's answer (in the second letter on that page) to someone who wanted to know if her lesbian sister could be turned hetero through psychiatric treatment. The advice columnist, Sasha, encouraged her to stop focusing on the question of whether her sister could be turned hetero or not, and instead realize that whether or not it's possible, it's not the right thing to do:

I am a devoted female reader of your column. It has always provided me with lots of useful information. I need you to help me with my sister, who is 17. Two days ago a very good friend of hers sent me an email explaining why she (my sister) has been very depressed lately. The cause, according to the friend, is that my sister is lesbian and has broken up with her girlfriend. I was totally shocked to learn this. My sister has always been tomboyish but I didn't imagine she was lesbian. What can I do to help her? Is there no way for her to be straight? Can psychiatric therapy help? Thank you. SHOCKED SISTER

There is a way you can help her, yes, but let's first look at some of the theories and ideas surrounding orientation conversion. A popular pro-gay argument is biology, mostly because it's the most incontestable way of explaining to nosy people with double standards that "it's not our fault, we were born this way." But why shouldn't choice also be a legitimate reason, especially given our obsession with it in so many other circumstances? I feel like I would choose to be queer too, because it works so well for me. I think it's imperative that we start respecting people's choices along with their biology, but also their right to change if they want to try. My guess is that some people can probably change their sexual orientation through willpower or religious conviction, but by that rationale, it would go both ways. In other words, there are probably straight people who could live gay if they really believed it would enhance their lives.

The problem as I see it is, most sexual-orientation conversion methods -- and I've only ever seen ones trying to make gays go straight, no matter what zealots call Pride Day -- are based in fear, particularly of hell, and in self-hate. If I really, really believed in hell and I hated myself for being queer, I'd be working my ass off to dump my girlfriend and find a nice Calvinist boy to settle down with and start using my breasts for something more businesslike than twirling pasties. The real questions become, how much do you hate yourself, and how much would this impact your desire to live a different life? Would you be willing to change your orientation because it was considered by your family and religion to be wrong?

If helping your sister is truly your intent, then how about an open-ended conversation rather than one with such a complicated goal in mind? Your sister's heart is broken not because she's queer, but because she lost a lover.

By the way, what kind of a "friend" responds to a friend's depression over breaking up with her girlfriend by outing the friend to her homophobic sister? Now the lesbian in that advice column has three things to be depressed about instead of just one: brekaing up with her girlfriend, having a sister who's looking for ways to "save" her from her queerness, and having a "friend" who outed her to her sister. I'm sure she feels lots better as a result of that.