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July 20th, 2008
os
 | 04:58 pm - OHNOES
OHNOES, someone might see my DATA DATA!!!
YA RLY!!
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girlwithwheels
 | 10:40 am - bittersweet
third eye blind on a sunday morning
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melodyriddle
 | 02:34 am - !!!
Holy Shit Batman!
That fucking ROCKED.
goodnight =D!
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tutifruitibooti
 | 03:22 am
I am near suicidal tonight.
I cut tonight. I want to cut more.
I am ina very very bad place.
lonely.
alone.
despair... I'm so sick of this of being broken.
Elvis is definitely moving to vancouver.
there is no point to continuing this relationship. it will just end in tears three months from now. or six months, after an excruciating time of trying to be long distance until I cheat on him. Its inevitable.
I'm so fat too.
My thighs are these huge jelly blobs. I've really really been trying to change my thinking. I've been eating normally. But I still see the way I've always seen. What I wouldn't do for a bottle of ephedrine right now.
Iw ant to die.
I want to die.
Or at least cut on my fucking wrists. I wish I was an angsty teenager,that could get away with wearing longsleeves in the summer. Or I wish I was 80 pounds, so that wearing a sweater in 30 degree weather with a POP of 90% would still be comfortable.
all the demons are unleashed right now.
I hate my life.
I hate it it hdgjjkld
fg dfgk dkl
agggghhh.
I'm just so god damned tired of this! Its been the same fuckign story for... 14 years? more than that I'm sure but it really really started to kick in at around 11 or 12.
I wish I had aimless sex to escape in.
or drugs.
I'm worried I'm goign to be fired tomorrow.
Forgot my cell phone at work. its my backup alarm. it's pouring rain. my neighbourhood loses power often. If I am late for work tomorrow I am canned. Iw as late a month ago, from a power outage, and got in super shit for it.
went down to my brother's room, to borrow his cell as a backup. He yelled at me when I asked him how to set it. I said he didn't need to yell at me. he yelled even louder i'm not fucking yelling. he took the phone out of my hands, and started yelling I don't know how to fucking set the thing.... so I left his roomweithout it. I'm going to be fired tomorrow I know it.
and I'm going to break up with elvis, I'm pretty sure.\
I hate this impending doom.
sure, we could have a great summer, but I see this as a bandaid. rip it off swiftly in one go, and it hurts less. it hurts enough right now. at least right now I would have the rest of the summer to get over it. in october when he moves I will be at midterms. I will be fucked.
I feel sick.
I want to die
i hope I don't get fired.
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silver_touch
 | 03:39 pm
I can't help but feel that my best friend is using me. I don't know, I'm really down in the dumps lately and it's making me paranoid about everything.
Second semester of uni starts soon. I'm not ready to start working hard and stuff, I just want to relax for a while, but that's not possible because my mind never gets a chance to relax. I'm always thinking and thinking. I probably go through thousands of emotions a day just from all the thinking i do. Sometimes i feel like i'm lost in my own head, in trains of thought that lead nowhere.
I went with my mum to the ultra sound recently and i got to see the baby. I reserve judgement on the situation for now.
I have a million voices in my head and theyre all so negative. It's so frustrating and it's making my relationship with food get worse. I have no one to talk to about it anymore. I can't contact nick about it and my best friend hates hearing about it, and my other friends would just worry and i don't need that.I just need a shoulder to cry on and that's exactly what I don't have.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/classic/sad.gif) cold
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July 19th, 2008
indigo_rose
 | 10:40 pm - More DBT skills
I feel... in the spirit of identifying my feelings, I feel...
sad.
-school
-that i'm returning to food stuff to cope/avoid
-pablo
-parents
-lots of negative feelings toward myself
-sad ugh.
that's that for now.
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melodyriddle
| 09:24 pm - Hm..
So I have discoverd the class I am going to struggle the most with this term is Contracts. I just have no ambition or interest in it. Legal research has captured my interest, because I get to use WestLaw. Which is hella fun, and I can look through cases till my hearts content. Having access is kind of like amazing to me. Needless to say my creative writing class is going way way way better than my stupid english class.
Yeah.. So I may or may not do my contracting homework. hm.. I should huh.
I am going to go finally check on my babies.
=D!
I was just looking through my Gothic and Lolita Bible.. hm..
I just keep realzing how much more clothes I need.
^-^; I want a min 7 outfits by the beginnnign of 09'. So that I can have a week of happyness.. its hard work though finding designs that are affordable and that I actually like.. but so far this year, when I go on my spending spree in November.. I think I'll come out well.
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melodyriddle
| 05:15 pm - hm..
Work seemed long long long today. Tomorrow I close which I am happy about, except for the fact I have a turn around the following day.
I am currently making some tuna salad which I have been CRAVING for some unknown reason to me.
I got us tickets to batman tonight at midnight, because D couldn't make up his damn mind about what time he would be off work.
So yeah
Homework..
eat eat eat
bunnys and more homework..
=D Than BATMAN.. muhahah..
I am glad we didn't go the first 2 nights..
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mynameisvanity
 | 10:04 am
They bleep the words "penis" and "vagina" on the Steve Wilkos Show. My brain just melted.
ALSO TONIGHT:
http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendID=4061786&blogID=416189029
!BadAss! Burlesque
does it's final
- BUSH BASH -
Saturday July 19th
@ the Bowery Poetry Club
308 Bowery @ 1st St.
NY NY 10009, $15
Doors open - 12am
The Saints of Pain open the party
with their special brand of
bone crunching soul metal!
The outlandish O'Debra Twins
host the following patriots,
freedom fighters, & activists
in this - our final BUSH BASH:
Producer Velocity Chyaldd
Delirium Tremens
Creamy Stevens
Veronica Varlow
Stormy Leather
Nasty Canasta
Weirdee Girl
FiFi Dupree
Bunny Love
Jo Boobs
Tigger
Deity
VJ Val Killmore
and
DJ Velocity Rile U up!
Hang on to your ticket stub from the door
for the !BadAss! Bush Bash raffle prize!
Madame Courtney
reads you tarot realness
throughout this affair...
Bar God Moonshine delivers
political decadence &
underground drinks!
www.BadAssBurlesque.com
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seanmoransucks
 | 01:40 am
http://psychobillydeluxe.com/
Listen to a psychobilly internet radio show and hear 2 of my band's songs and a bunch of psychobilly.
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July 18th, 2008
melodyriddle
| 05:08 pm - ..
Work was long long long today. I worked with the asst manager who is very laid back to the point that this day just drifted by. Oh well they can pay me to accomplish nothing. Totally okay by me. I went to my home store to pick up my paycheck and I met my up and coming store manager, who is actually really nice by first impression. We'll see..
Did a little grocery shopping.. and now I have some bills to take care of and what not..
than onto homework.
We decided to go to batman tomorrow night.. just better off that way.
Augh my back hurts..
death to my shoulders..
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nonexistantfoam
 | 05:50 pm
theelectricocean: 2nd degree aggravated assault with a weapon
Miz Catastrophe: how much time
theelectricocean: 1yo3
Miz Catastrophe: dude that sucks
Miz Catastrophe: so why are you walking across america?
theelectricocean: to not go to jail
Miz Catastrophe: how can you have a life like that
theelectricocean: im over
Miz Catastrophe: just go to jail
theelectricocean: i cant picture a future for me
theelectricocean: fuck that id rather see the country
Miz Catastrophe: that doesnt make sense
theelectricocean: it doesnt to me either
Miz Catastrophe: you can run and run and run but if they find you they will still put you in jail
theelectricocean: i plan on just walking forever
theelectricocean: my 2 friends are getting evicted
theelectricocean: and they wana do it with me
Miz Catastrophe: so why would you want to waste a few years on the streets being a beggar and a theif squatter learning to take advantage of people to stay alive and end up dead anyway
Miz Catastrophe: if you could just go to jail for a couple years and come back out and start fresh and do whatever you want
Miz Catastrophe: thats just incredibly stupid and i knew you were a far fetched person but that is just ridiculous
Miz Catastrophe: your acting like your getting fucking 30 years
Miz Catastrophe: 3 years is nothing man
Miz Catastrophe: jail is not that bad
Miz Catastrophe: i dont know from experience but i know plenty of people that have spent time there and they just get over it
Miz Catastrophe: ive visited jails and a lot of them become success stories after they turn their lives around
Miz Catastrophe: i absolutely have no doubt that you have a future
theelectricocean: nah
theelectricocean: this is something ive been wanting to do
theelectricocean: i havent been home in forever
theelectricocean: im pretty much homeless anyway with no money why dont i just do this and see the country at the same time
Miz Catastrophe: squatting?
Miz Catastrophe: how young are you expecting yourself to die?
Miz Catastrophe: jesse?
theelectricocean: ive lost alot of faith
Miz Catastrophe: youve lost your fucking mind is what i think
theelectricocean: i knoq
Miz Catastrophe: nothing of what your saying is adding up or making sense
theelectricocean: i look at myself
theelectricocean: im off the deep end
theelectricocean: wayyyy off the deep end
Miz Catastrophe: your acting like you can just comfortably walk across the country and when youve seen all you want to see you will just die happy
Miz Catastrophe: your acting like they wont find you
Miz Catastrophe: your acting like you will never get bored of being a theif beggar bum homeless squatter taking advantage of people
theelectricocean: i dont expect anything to be comfartable
Miz Catastrophe: its not that you dont expect it, you just dont want it to be comfortable
Miz Catastrophe: if you wanted comfort for yourself and the ones you love you would think about the future
theelectricocean: i dont see a future for myself
theelectricocean: i look at my life and see me going nowhere
theelectricocean: so im having trouble caring
theelectricocean: and i probably do sound like an idiot
theelectricocean: and i probably am an idiot
theelectricocean: but i just fucked myself over
theelectricocean: so much
Miz Catastrophe: your being fucking retarded
Miz Catastrophe: your thinking like what a retarded 11 year old would do if he were faced in this situation
Miz Catastrophe: not like a smart young intelligent man that you are
Miz Catastrophe: your only fucking 21 years old
theelectricocean: im really tired of people telling me this
Miz Catastrophe: your life hasnt even begun yet and your acting like its over
Miz Catastrophe: i dont give a fuck what you do with your life because i know nothing im going to say is going to change your mind and i really dont care
Miz Catastrophe: do whatever you want but can we make a bet
theelectricocean: no
theelectricocean: im like done miz
theelectricocean: i really am
theelectricocean: and im not explaining myself
theelectricocean: im done
theelectricocean: becuas ei know ur just gona think that im an idiot and i already know that
Miz Catastrophe: im not asking for an explanation
Miz Catastrophe: and i would never think your an idiot
Miz Catastrophe: i would have never given you the time of my life if i thought you were an idiot
Miz Catastrophe: and im pretty smart did you know that
theelectricocean: you know i know that
theelectricocean: but theres alot
theelectricocean: and
theelectricocean: i cant care
Miz Catastrophe: ok
Miz Catastrophe: i beleive you
theelectricocean: i hate sounding this stupid
Miz Catastrophe: its just a shame because i rather enjoyed your company and im going to miss it
theelectricocean: but this has been getting drilled into my brain
Miz Catastrophe: i hate losing friends, especially ones i considered very close such as you
Miz Catastrophe: i always want the best for those around me
Miz Catastrophe: and i know i will probably never see or hear from you again
Miz Catastrophe: even if you became a haggard street bum wierdo i would still rather enjoy your company
theelectricocean: but u wud think ifi were to do something like this id have a reason not to
theelectricocean: im not the same
Miz Catastrophe: what?
Miz Catastrophe: thats ok jesse
Miz Catastrophe: your different
theelectricocean: no im over
theelectricocean: like
theelectricocean: me
Miz Catastrophe: i accept it
theelectricocean: what i wanted to call me
theelectricocean: is like gone
Miz Catastrophe: you dont have to rub it in
theelectricocean: i havent eaten in forever
theelectricocean: ive been doing the dumbest shit ever
theelectricocean: i havent been home in idont even remember
theelectricocean: i am completely discontacted from all family members
theelectricocean: and when ur walking around in the woods by urself looking for a tree to sleep under
theelectricocean: u think theres no reason to stay in that area
theelectricocean: or the state
theelectricocean: cuz theres noting for me here anymore
Miz Catastrophe: i just wish i could see you again wherever you may end up
theelectricocean: ill see you again
Miz Catastrophe: i would still enjoy your company even if you were the dead empty nonexistent haggard squatter bum
Miz Catastrophe: in which you choose to become
theelectricocean: CHOICE
theelectricocean: do u know
theelectricocean: how much
theelectricocean: i fucking hate living like this
theelectricocean: im stranded
Miz Catastrophe: ill be completely honest with you, you are not well
theelectricocean: everywhere
Miz Catastrophe: you are in psychosis
theelectricocean: im aware
theelectricocean: ive been going crazy
Miz Catastrophe: i know
theelectricocean: im like
Miz Catastrophe: i can see
theelectricocean: so dissapointed in myself i cant even help it anymore
theelectricocean: and im scared to tell u anything
theelectricocean: because ud be so ashamed
Miz Catastrophe: like what?
theelectricocean: ive been on random binges for weeks
theelectricocean: and they havent stopped
theelectricocean: and i cant stop anymore
Miz Catastrophe: binges?
theelectricocean: drug binges
Miz Catastrophe: like what
Miz Catastrophe: i had a feeling...
Miz Catastrophe: i knew
Miz Catastrophe: tell me more and feel no shame
Miz Catastrophe: i will never turn on you if you come to me
theelectricocean: crack lightbulbs acid
theelectricocean: are like rly addicting
theelectricocean: andddddddddd
theelectricocean: my brain is fucked
Miz Catastrophe: you got that right
Miz Catastrophe: im not ashamed of you
Miz Catastrophe: listen to me jesse
Miz Catastrophe: please dont ever forget this
Miz Catastrophe: promise?
theelectricocean: i promise
Miz Catastrophe: i will never be ashamed of you, i love you, i respect you, i will never forget you, and im proud of you just for being born
Miz Catastrophe: i care about you
Miz Catastrophe: and this goes for now and always
theelectricocean: :gdadhdekmjhuaqrsgrfjh
Miz Catastrophe: dont ever forget
Miz Catastrophe: its never too late to turn around
Miz Catastrophe: there is nothing i can do or say to help you because you are the only person that is in that position to do so and you cant because your psychotic
Miz Catastrophe: you dont know anything from not anything
Miz Catastrophe: what you need is some serious help
Miz Catastrophe: your so fucking young,
Miz Catastrophe: your life hasnt even begun yet
Miz Catastrophe: so what else is up
Miz Catastrophe: please talk to me ive been dying to hear from you
Miz Catastrophe: jesse
Miz Catastrophe: will you write me letters please
theelectricocean is idle at 5:16:56 PM.
Miz Catastrophe: or something
Miz Catastrophe: please stay in touch
Miz Catastrophe: i find your life to be very interesting although tragic
theelectricocean is no longer idle at 5:17:57 PM.
theelectricocean: idk idk idk
theelectricocean: i dont want anyhting to be like this
theelectricocean: it fucking sucks i love you miz
theelectricocean: :[
theelectricocean: qkog3wl;tkdms i want to like turn back time
theelectricocean: so much
theelectricocean: i fucked everything up
Miz Catastrophe: i love you too sweetie and i will never lose faith on you
theelectricocean: <333333
Miz Catastrophe: your blaming yourself way to hard you have this problem with guilt and remorse where you cant bear it and u take it upon yourslef in a painful way by abusing yourself
Miz Catastrophe: your life stands out to me amongst the thousands and i would like to keep your character in my head for some novels i will be writing about my life in the future
Miz Catastrophe: i will publish it and hopefully you will still be around by then to read it and still remember who i am
Miz Catastrophe: so please stay in contact i need to hear more from you
Miz Catastrophe: even if it turns into incoherant drugged out gibberish idc w.e idc if you kill a thousand more people or wahtever
theelectricocean signed on at 5:24:48 PM.
Miz Catastrophe: ok?
theelectricocean: okok
Miz Catastrophe: i really fucking hope you go to jail
theelectricocean: no matter what im fucked so idc
Miz Catastrophe: then just go to jail!!! please!!
Miz Catastrophe: you belong in jail where you can at least recover from your drug induced psychosic
Miz Catastrophe: and get some time to think
Miz Catastrophe: instead of out on the streets killing yourself with more drugs
Miz Catastrophe: jail is not worse than a premature death
Miz Catastrophe: out on the streets in poverty and drugs
Miz Catastrophe: seeing nothing but the allusions of closed eye drug use
Miz Catastrophe: in jail you can rebuild yourself
Miz Catastrophe: write a book or something
Miz Catastrophe: if you really dont care about the future then please pick jail
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seanmoransucks
| 03:29 am
There will never be a better joker than Heath Ledger.
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margotpera17
 | 12:05 am
Is it possible to do a low carb vegan diet?
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July 17th, 2008
melodyriddle
| 08:28 pm - Hm..
D called
Money wise.. in August we should be bringing in around $14 grand. Which is nice.. we're finally getting back on track. Thank God.
Our vacation is coming up and its really going to help. I also have people to payback from when I was forced to leave CVS. I can't wait to be in TN, in our beautiful condo villa. augh.. life.
Speaking of I am filing a lawsuit monday. It's small claims. I think I am mostly just doing it to be an asshole. Oh well, it's not the worst thing I have done. Best part is, I have 3 former CVS employees going in on it.. who knows maybe it will get all big and helarious.
^^;;
So we're either going to Batman or the Casino tonight. Hm.. decisions decisions.. either way, Nicky is not cooking. hah. I have to work in the morning of course, so I'll be a zombie, and tomorrow I have to buck up and do some homework. Fuck Yeah!
Anyways.. I am watching me some last comic standing! off I go!
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indigo_rose
| 02:31 am - Mother issues and post-treatment
Disclaimer (to myself): I know I can't change my mother I can only change my reactions. I want to try to practice radical acceptance that her problems are her own and are not mine to solve. She stays up till odd hours of the night doing things she could just as easily do the next day but she just puts off sleep, I imagine because she doesn't want the next day to come. That's why I put off sleep. Wait I don't know where that disclaimer ended.
I need to get the fuck out of this house my mother is driving me up the wall. Or rather, my attempts to retain and continue using the skills I learned in treatment are quashed by seeing my mother continue to treat herself so poorly, to continue to lack the interpersonal skills I know could help her tremendously, and to continue her negative behaviors that I've adopted verbatim.
I frequently find myself totally resenting her for passing her shit on to me - her exact shit. Part of why we are so close is because we are so damn similar; I often feel - and not only in family situations, in many many interpersonal situations - that she is the only one who would understand certain things. For better or for worse!! Mostly for worse!!! And I think this is part of why I tend to resent her so much: we are so similar, I pretty much know exactly why she says/does/thinks certain things but, and a billion times moreso now that I've completed DBT, therefore I also know how she could change those things, how warped those things are, how things could be different!
Acknowledge the facts:
-I am not my mother. (But in some ways this is beside the point; she is someone who I love who I see behaving in fucked-up ways, I know how she could make changes, it is frustrating for me to watch her.)
-Hard as it's been to try and change my own ways at the age of 23, her own destructive path has been carved out solidly for at least 50 years. It must be unimaginable for her to change things!! This thought makes me sympathize (empathize?) a lot with her.
I want to choose not to let my mother's shit get in the way of my own improvement. If anything, her - and she also knows how similar we are, I know it - seeing my recovery can only aid her own. And give me more credibility in the advice I offer. It may make her feel more lonely with her problems, but it is not my responsibility to keep her company in her misery. If she feels lonely, she can choose to make certain improvements. I can encourage her as long as it is not to the detriment of my own happiness. If she chooses not to make improvements, painful as it may be to watch, I have to let her make that decision and to continue to make my own improvements in my own life.
Ah, the post-treatment struggle. Trying so hard to hold on to what I've learned, even when no longer in a structured program that makes sure I keep trying and that holds me accountable. I'm on my own. I want to hold on to these skills. I've caught a glimpse of life as it can be. I've been slipping, but this internal struggle gives me some hope. I can see how I've changed since 6 months ago, I can see that it's a struggle in the first place, blah blah blah.
On the other hand, I can't wait for the next opportunity to be by myself and overly indulge in all the cravings I've had in the past couple weeks. I can't wait till the next chance to spend too much time on the treadmill. I can't wait to lose too much weight.
I guess this is where I ride the urge....................
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July 16th, 2008
melodyriddle
| 09:31 pm - So this is life
I called my moms today and talked with Pat. He is posting my familys 4th of July party on youtube. His user name is RatPat711. Yeah its funny as hell. We spend around 5,000 on fireworks, or I should say his family does. I also talked to my grandmother on my lunch break.
I owe them $250 on August 1st, lucky for me there is no rush.
Dodge Spirt is coming home soon.. that is around 525.. x.x;
I figure once I get to my 3rd paycheck from Walgreens, we should be going good again, on top of bills, and able to spend freely and not worry so much everyday about everything.
I got all my Wednesday posts done for class, and oh my FUCKING god I am so happy I got my books, now I can actually use my breaks at work and make them work for me. I can read and study and be amazing. I made up my mind today that after I get my Associates in Paralegal next Sept 09' that I am going to definately continue on to my BA in Paralegal. No ands ifs or buts about about. Damien made a point to me that he is at Walgreens for a career. He wants to be an EXA and than a store manager. I am at Walgreens for a job, because the career I want is in Law. Even more so once I have my BA I want to go even more into Law. I am seriously considering or even making my mind up in fact that I want to become an attorney. Not just for myself, but for my family. To prove a point to all these people who always thought because I dressed in to much black and lived in a fucked up fashion that I can still make it. Yeah. Thats what I want. I don't care if I am 30 by the time I reach that goal and I have student loans for the rest of my life. Debt dies with me. I want to do whats best for me. I want to be able to have the option of a stay at home husband. Yes. hah. Damien and I have spoken and persay PERSAY we have children and I go on to become successful, he wouldn't have me leave my profession, whoever makes more should be able to be the bread winner. Meaning he is totally okay with me eventually making more, and him being the PT worker and primary caregiver. How cool is that!
I know a lot of my friends are very feminist..
thats something I am not..
but it gave me a new found love for him to say that he would want to see me progress and have a real career and understand at the same time, that I would still maybe someday want to have a family too.
Either way it goes, if his career was more meaningful and gave more to our family, or hell just me and him, I would want that too.
Kids is not in my direct future. So yeah..
just rambling..
What kind of Law..
Family Law.
I find it curious, interesting, depressing and most of all it has a piece of my heart, and my past. I want to do WAY better for those who need it.
Anyways..
I am going to go back to studying..
I need to do well..
like nothing below a C.. hah..
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melodyriddle
| 07:53 pm - quickie..
I love Death Note =D!!!!
Onward ho!
Work was long as hell..
I picked up grocerys for Stir Fry for tonight.
My books came in the mail.
I am behind on my Wednesday deadline homework..
so here I go!
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mynameisvanity
| 03:49 pm
BAHBFAHFHAHAFLHSlkgnslkfnlakjfhsjkgls
Today REALLY can't get any better.
Eric finally woke up. I expected him to raise HELL, but he threw up in his sheets last night so he can't even be mad right now. Now I get to laugh at both him AND Anthony. This is too good to be true.
"Well, it's officially the summer time"
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mynameisvanity
| 01:19 pm
omg
I don't think Anthony is going to survive today. Once Eric wakes up and sees that his towels are all covered in toilet, he's probably not going to allow Anthony to live.
This is what I found on the couch this morning after Anthony brought home some guy.
LOLLOGLSGASgkshlgh
By the way, I'm back from Florida. It was sooo, so, so unfathomably bad.
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seanmoransucks
| 12:56 pm
http://www.abcnews.go.com/Blotter/Story?id=5378080&page=1
Some dude in another country exposed a bunch of US tax evaders that were hiding their money in that country. Which raises a lot of questions. Privacy issues, for one. And why does someone who lives in another country care about tax laws here? Especially when what he did is considered robbery and he's facing charges in his own country.
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______mirrors
 | 11:05 am
okay so i've been going to a physciatrist
and apparently i have post-traumatic stress disorder
a serious anxiety disorder (maybe not bi-polar after all)
obviously ED-NOS
and very severe depression (intensified by the fact that X ate all my serotoninzzzzz!)
so now i'm on clonopin (WHICH I LOVE OF COURSE.)
and back on lexapro (which i really kind-of hate, but what the hell
we'll give it a try.)
i'm losing weight again but i'm on my period, so pretty bloated.
BMI's at 18.7, gah so close, how lame.
garrett's mom Pat is taking great care of me.
she's like the mom i never had.
alot has happened this week. i saw jimmy and ryan and me fell back
in love and i will x-post alot of things from my other
journal later probably, unless you want to read it for yourself (just don't
comment or add because i like to keep this identity sort of secret,
as many of you understand...)
![[info]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) cheaface
yep that's me in my normal crazy life.
why did everything just change colors?
oh well whatever anways my comma button isn't working.
i'm also working on my alcoholism (i say this as i
sit at panera drinking a half-pepsi half-gin that i
snuck in with my purse, but what the fuck ever,
i said i'm working on it, i'm not a fucking God.)
well i need to go back to writing my research paper,
because i have to send in the final draft today.
i'm almost graduated from highschool! YAY WOW, TWO YEARS LATE!
psssh!
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July 15th, 2008
thinkthintowin
 | 12:39 pm
Gym tonight :D
First time in ages!
Ive eaten 144 calories for breakfast, and i plan 300 for dinner, then i'll burn it all off :D
I think im just going to hit the treadmill, maybe cross trainer, bikes and abit of rowing.
Im gonig with someone i haven't been with before, so im not sure of her gym routine, but im willing to adapt mine, as a different routine will get my muscles working differentlyy.
My tummy is starting to look flatter the majority of the time now, after ive eaten it obviously bloats up, but on a morning its starting to look better despite having eaten the night before.
I had a strange dream last night, i was telling some girl that had an ED, that i believed that no matter how much i ate, and how much i didn't exercise etc, that ana would save me and make me thin eventually, no matter what i did in the opposite direction, that she'd come and save me from it at some time in my life. Weird aha.
Why when brown bread is meant to be good for you, does it have more calories than normal white bread :| im fuming. I told my mam id only eat brown bread cause i thought it was better, but its going to make me fatter :|:|:|.
I keep listening to thinspo songs when im home alone during the day, even though i find it weirdly depressing aha, but i totally keep singing them to myself when theres people around :/ i need to get out of the habbit of doing it or im going to get myself alot of questions to answer aha.
Current Mood: bored
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July 14th, 2008
melodyriddle
| 09:29 pm - ...
So he is late.. and no text no nothing.. I am guessing he had to stay late tonight.. Circuit City dosen't offer a chance to really use your phone while your working anyways.. It's annoying.. I have dinner sitting in the fridge and I have no clue when to make it, or even bigger if he will even eat.
I am crying regardless.
I am not going to my PT job, I am throwing it down the toilet.
I can't take anymore added stress...
school and Walgreens.. and Damien above all is all the anxiety I can take.
Don't get me wrong, I love him.
But wow.
I am going to try and relax.
I heard deep breaths work.
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melodyriddle
| 03:44 pm - Ah Lovely.
So his pissy mood continues in a string of text messages that really are irrelivant and pointless in my opinion. A lot of bitching about something that I can not do anything about. So he wants to be a dick we'll see.. I am trying not to let it bother me but needless to say it is bothering the hell out of me. I am half tempted to just quit my PT job before even starting it.
I feel so empty.
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ultraplanarian1
 | 03:11 pm - Yo...
Ty, ninyekka.... for tickets to see these guys Sept. 24th!!
%_% ' \m/
**x0x0x0!!**
Current Location: Computer Supplyhouse (lunch hr)
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/roshi/palefaces/bouncy.gif) excited
Current Music: I'm not jesus...
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os
| 07:25 am
REUTERS - Today, the sed development team announced support for two new forms of nesting, promising to revitalize interest in the once-common programming and text-processing tool.
Despite the language already being Turing-complete, the designers have decided to make looping and conditional constructs more accessible. "Previously, you had to make clever use of grouping and pattern matching. sed wasn't an ideal state machine, but it was possible."
For looping, in lieu of always having to jump to labels, programmers are now free to make use of a new command that does not require the use of the line or hold buffers, but still requires numerical counters to be processed as strings, in true sed tradition. For conditional execution, grouped commands no longer need perform pattern matching nor jumping; a new command which performs Reverse Polish Notation expression evaluation on the hold buffer will suffice.
"Our goal is obviously not to become the next INTERCAL. We just want to want to deploy a pithy, fast text-stream processing tool."
Current Location: Greenville, DE
Current Music: [garbage] untouchable
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melodyriddle
| 06:01 am - Augh..
Sleep sucked last night.. D didn't get home till way after midnight..
I fell in and out of sleep during Sweeny Todd trying to relax.. oh well.
I work from 6:45-3:30 today. Although seeing as D has to work his PT job tonight.. I might stay a little later and milk some hours.. We need money and what better way to do it. I will just work on some training..
So yeah. We'll see what goes down today. I am curious to whom I am working with but I am guessing possibly Diana.. a very sweet girl.
Anyways.. I am feeling kinda crappy today, I am waking up with a maximum amount of anxiety and grossness.. Oh how I love my life sometimes..
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silver_touch
| 04:11 pm
All the paranoia abouit exams was pointless!!I didn't fail at all!!In fact I'm quite happy with my marks.
I'd totally do a happy dance if it weren't for the fact that i feel myself getting fatter, lonlier and feeling more and more worthless.
And yet..I hold on to hope that maybe..maybe..maybe..one day things will change.
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July 13th, 2008
melodyriddle
| 04:58 pm - Soo..
This is my last day off for about.. I don't know.. 12 days.. and its going well.. I have caught up on my homework.. Just looking ahead feeling sick about all the work.
D is in a pissy mood. No idea.. I ended up going with him to see Hellboy, I think he is angry that I didn't want to go. I didn't compain about it or anything, I even almost kinda liked the show..
We'll see whats going on later..
I have 1 load of laundry done.. and I have dishes to do. I think we're going to end up with pasta for dinner.
I am not feeling so fantastic.. I kinda want to go grab some dinner out .. but at the same time.. I am not much in a getting dressed to go anywhere kind of mood.
We'll see what happens.
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loz9189
 | 05:57 pm - Why?
Why do people have to arguee all the time? i dont think they realise how much it affects everyone around, my little brother always starts to be a little bit more naughty when they arguee and it makes me want to stop eating, they dont know about ED so i cant really blame them and im not trying to, My step-dad blames it on my mum n then she explanes the reasons its not her fault n he still blames it on her
Today mum said she didnt want his kids to come round one weekend cuz we are having a family party and they dont like our family and it would be too much work for my mum, then when my step-dad called his kids he said that they proberbly wouldnt want to come down that weekend cuz we were having a party, and they then wanted to come down that weekend, then mum had to say again the reasons why it would be too hard for her to have them down and he basically made her out to be the bad guy.
Them my step-dad says that he will have the last word when me n my sister come to see mum then, which is total BS i mean, i actually have a room here because im staying here for the summer, they dont they would be in the living room, me and mum can actually agree on times when i can come down for the weekend when im at uni, he cant with his kids (he hasnt seen them simce christmas) what right does he have to act like he was right, he has no right to tell me what to do
Last night mum asked him to go get chips from the chipshop for dinner, he asked if he sould get a small or a large, keep in mind that i have ED, he says never mind ill get a large cuz lauren is here. I mean WTF, i would go without them i dont care i didnt want them nore did i need them, but i had to eat them cuz mum was there watching me
He makes me so mad, and i dont even know why, he is nothing to do with me, but i listen to and take in what he says, i take in what everyone says even when they dont think i do
Ive decided anyway that im am going to start a fast tomorrow, (its monday tomorrow so the start of a new week aswell) and i want it to last all week, mums in hospital on monday so i will just say i feel ill to get out of dinner, tuesday im going to go out all day, maybe take my baby brother shopping, wednesday and thursday ill spend with my cousin cuz she is off work, friday i will go out shopping or just say i dont feel well and the same over the weekend then next week i will eat only fruit and veg untill im THIN, thats all i want to be thin!
Current Location: Living room
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/classic/confused.gif) and determined
Current Music: Mum and step dad argueeing does it count?
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thinkthintowin
| 01:34 pm
Lmao yesterday was the worst ive ever felt in my life :') too much alchol + a packet of pro plus = never again lmao.
Haven't eaten much today, but im gonig to pizza hut later :/ but im sure i can get away with not much.
Yesterday i told my mam i was just feeling under the weather, instead of completely hungover aha, but she was telling me it'll be because im not eating properly etc etc 8-), so she's decided she's making me salad boxes to take to work. so your saying im fat then yeah. But i guess id prefere that to her forcing bread or pasta on me constantly.
My Hollywood diet didn't exactly go to plan aha, i couldn't really bring myself to drink the drink alot of the time, so i pretty much replaced it with a water fast. My tummy seems alot flatter, and my hip bones are becoming visable again. My collar bones were more visable last week than they are now, but im not really sure why.
Im back in a size 6 whoop, whoop.
Why is your tummy always completely flat the day after drinking? surely it should be fat after all the excess calories consumed? This always makes me think aha.
x
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/classic/smile.gif) peaceful
Current Music: falling for you - busted.
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July 12th, 2008
melodyriddle
| 08:30 pm - God Fucking Damnit!
There is something lodged in my left foot.. its like.. a splinter?? Well I have now spent 4 days trying to dig through my flesh yes DIG.. and no results.. it hurts like fuck.. and Damien is to rough and I just end up crying to much.. augh..
I don't want to waist money at the doctor.. but I really don't know if its just a cut..or if there is something.. oh goodness..
Oh yeah..
Damien and Larry are going to see Hellboy 2. I am going to go see Hancock with Inu-Chan. =D! I think it's a good trade off.. concidering I don't want to see Hellboy.. except the fact that the director is amazing and his monster creations are fucking exceptional... oh well.. I gotta support Will on this one...
Oh My god
Ow!
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melodyriddle
| 05:47 pm - Okay..
So I went through my bible and found 3 outfits that I would die for.. time to start saving up a few hundred and ordering some new clothes. This christmas D promised me 3 new dresses =D Very Happy Nicky.
Anyways... I called back Eddie Bauer and I start on Tuesday..
yes..
that means..
School FT 12 Credits
Walgreens 44 hrs a week
Eddie Bauer 12 hrs a week..
Yay busy.. fucking life. I am only taking the pt job because of our trip in Sept and it will be easier to have a job dedicated to just money for that.
Today.. I got 2 assignments half ass out of the way and one more to go. Tomorrow I get to start all over again. I got a little dinner esk kind of thing going in the fridge and I am on my way to feeding my rabbits.. than back to some homework and chilling before D comes home..
We were supposed to go to Zero today.. but for some reason now he wants to go see Hellboy which I refuse to see.. so I'll end up going to Hancock on my own while Larry and D are in Hellboy. oh well =D! He promised to bring me out for drinks after the movie.. so I'l be cheerful..
' I used to be a superhero, I could sweep down and save me from myself, I used to be a superhero and you were like this phone booth I stumbled into.. now look at me.. I'm just like everybody else...- Girl Next Door
Augh.. Trip-hop has my soul. Well.. hah well if souls existed it totally would!
Current Music: Superhero - Girl Next Door
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melodyriddle
| 09:46 am - =)
So our anniversary actually all went to plan..
we started off around 11 am.. to get gas.. pick up some lunch for the ride and drive drive drive... he gave me a card in the car.. and funny enough it was the same card from last year.. the first time I actually didn't have a card for him... he totally rubbed it in my face.. X.x! When we got up there they let us check into our suite right away.. it was HUGE... we fooled around opening everything up.. than It was time to go to the spa..
Oh my goodness Harmony Spa is beautiful .. the treated us so well.. we were put in our locker rooms.. seperate of course.. we took (eucoliptis)sp steam showers.. than undressed into our fun robes.. and came out to the co-ed relaxation room.. where we drank this oh so YUPPIE.. Cucumber/lemon water and snacked on fruit and all natural cookies... We than were brough abck for our massages.. and being my first time I kept a fair amount of clothing on.. which I will not make the mistake of again. He got the take this and I got the amazon woman. Either way.. it was nice.. hah Not to much detail as all they were doing is smothering you in oils and lotions with all the feel good music and comphy bed and funny blankets..
Afterwords.. when they left the room we both sat up all dizzy like and got our robes on to meet them in the hallway.. where they gave us more yuppie water and led us back to the co-ed relaxation room.. From there we decided to go take a jaccuzi in their giant pool size one complete with waterfall. hah.. than I went to my locker room.. showered up.. using all their products and we went out to the casino floor.
We ended up winning over 700 dollars.. dinner was fabulous.. I made a giant bubble bath juccuzi in our room.. all in all perfect..
=D
Came home.. I had to work yesterday... so it was pretty quiet.. and he is at work all day today.
I am already WAY behind in my classes.. so that is for me to do today. My books should be here next week thank god.
Um.. yeah..
I realized though
that I gained some weight..
back.. to trying to diet again...
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silver_touch
| 11:23 pm
There's a little voice that lives in my head telling me that my problems aren't valid and i should therefore not share them or be open about them at all.
This little voice is actually quite a big voice in terms of influence.
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July 11th, 2008
october_sunday
 | 04:33 pm - octobersobriety.webs.com
So I started a website. I've only had it a few days, and it's the hoster's policy that you have to have been a member for X amount of days before you can access a lot of the features, so it's quite simple right now.
I like it, though. I have a whole lot more freedom to control everything about the layout and content and features and such.
And I know I'm being a pain in the ass, moving away from livejournal and making those of you who decide to continue reading (which I hope all of you will) have yet another site address to remember... but if you like what I write in here, you'll love what's in there. For some reason, I can't bring myself to be completely honest in here. I'm constantly worrying about my young readers or my easily triggered readers and I just... I'm not entirely sure myself, I just can't write my everything in here.
So. ^^ Please don't leave me, as I'm not leaving any of you whatsoever. I'm just moving my journal somewhere else.
PLUS! I'd love for some of YOU to create websites, if you have the time, energy, or desire to. It's lots of fuuu-uuuun... You can create discussion boards, have photo albums, put friends on a mailing list, make polls, see who's coming to your site (along with what they're looking at and when your most trafficed times are)... It's really a neat thing. And... I don't like being alone over there. And that's my four cents.
http://octobersobriety.webs.com/index.htm
http://octobersobriety.webs.com/todaysnews.htm
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cadburycrazed
 | 07:36 pm
oh my goodness my throat is hurting even more today than it was the past two days. I don't get this usually after lots of purging, maybe it isn't the purging and a throat infection or seomthing? it is all red and yukky.
my head has been pounding all day today too, i feel woosey and not good at all. oh, and to top everything off, I saw my mum for the first time in a while yesterday and i had a text message from her this morning saying she was worried about me again. apparently i look very down and tired and like i'm not lookin after myself...acting skills obviously need touching up...
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July 10th, 2008
cadburycrazed
| 10:43 pm
I love how i come on here 24 hours from when I put some of the first pics up of my annabel and teh pet picture day (or couple of days!) is still going on! you all have adorable pets, but i especially love the stories of the rescued ones who were in a bad way and you nursed back to health, it is the same story with my annabel :)
urgh, i ate dinner then purged, then had some dessert and purged that too. the roof of my mouth is horrendously bruised and i have a stabbing sharp pain above my right eye. what fun times. the eye thing is rather annoying can't actually see out of it properly it hurts so much :( serves me right for purging i guess, i don't do it for a month then 3 times in two days. old habits die hard
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lesley10
 | 05:39 pm
forgot to say i went down by the sea today to refresh my mind after my horrible nite i was watching the waved they were crashing in to a massive hole aand i wanted to jump into it but then though bout my kids ,it was beautifull i was getting splashed.
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lesley10
| 05:31 pm - Writer's Block: Dreams
i dream of being in a lift thats falling over and over upsidedown and i cant get out its very scary and has happened to me for about 20 years since i was small this is the only dream i cannot controll with other dreams if they are bad i can in my mind change them to make a happy ending its very weird.
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lesley10
| 05:15 pm
What a depressing 2 days ive had,i had my stalkers family come up my house calling me a slag a bitch a whore in front of my kids last night she was screaming in front of all my neighbours they are a disgusting family,i called the police on her and they said they would go and tell her not to come back but i think their will be more trouble with her yet she banged hell out of my door demanding to see my husband to tell him im having an affair with her brother,she was screaming ive had sex with him i said how do u work that out the man is impotent which she knows he is,im depressed i no she will be back to see andy hes at sea until tomorrow i havent even told him yet i cant get through to his mobile he in the middle of nowhere,i feel so upset and alone.
i havent eaten anything and cant be bothered too either foods definatelly off the menu.my life is so depressing i hate it then i got nut cases going round lying about me why do i deserve this.
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melodyriddle
| 09:41 am - =D!!!
Today is our 3 year anniversary =D!!!
Time to get ready to go to Hinkley.. our massages are at 2.. and we can check into our suite at 4.. yay =D!!
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mynameisvanity
| 07:46 am
I have to get on a plane in a few hours. Going to the most miserable place I can possibly comprehend. Against the recommendation of my shrink, I'm going to Florida. It's my grandmother's 80th birthday, so it's the least I can do. It's just not something I'm fully equipped to handle at the moment and I don't think it's going to turn out well for me.
I already wrote a long entry but my other computer likes to restart sometimes without my permission and erase my shit.
Sean, a fellow I met at Bonnaroo, has been hanging around with me lately. Giving me a little peace of mind here and there... and bruises everywhere else. Haha, I'm showing up to my grandmother's birthday looking like a beat up hooker. Not like anything less would be expected, considering the fact that every time I see my family I have some kind of very painful looking physical injury. This week, the largest is a huge bite mark bruise smack in the middle of my left arm. Courtesy of Sean at 3am in Mars Bar. You can see every one of his little teeth. Dead man.
Speaking of Mars Bar, I am slightly ashamed to announce that I let the bartender at Mars Bar talk me into allowing her to make me a COSMO. Then I sat there, in what is perhaps the divey-est, filthiest bar in Manhattan, and I chugged that Cosmo. And it tasted like fresh fucking gasoline. Hell fucking yes. Only that place can make a drink as girly as that taste like crotch rot.
I'm exhausted. It's going to take all of the energy in me to keep myself from jumping into traffic before I get to the airport. If I make it to Florida in one piece, I can only hope that I don't survive the car ride to my parents' home. IF BY THE GRACE OF GOD I GET THERE, I'll just bite the bullet and fuckin blow my head off.
I can't think of anything I'd rather do less than be stuck there for five days. I would rather eat a year's worth of toenail clippings, frankly. I can barely manage my emotions in my home in New York. I highly doubt I'm going to be any more stable down South. I'm not looking forward to finding out.
In case I didn't make it clear: I am an incredibly unhappy person and I hate it.
On an unrelated and slightly TMI note-
I mentioned previously my UTTER FASCINATION with straight men lately. Allow me to go a step further by saying that I've spent around 6 hours this week alone using a strap on (work related- don't get too excited) and allow me to say that men/Tops work REALLY FUCKING HARD in bed. I never considered how much endurance is needed to keep thrusting for longer than five minutes at a time. Straight guys in particular are a group I've seen go for hours and hours at a time. You guys are seriously, SERIOUSLY batshit insane. There is a screw loose somewhere. Nothing is worth the pain I am feeling in my lower back lately. If I had a dick attached to me, it's official: I'D CUT THAT SHIT OFF. SNIP SNIP SNIP SNIP
I'll stick to taking it, thank you.
My mother just thought it'd be necessary to wake me up for the airport. News flash, homegirl, but my flight leaves in three hours. If I wasn't staying up all night and that shit woke me up, I would be PISSED.
I'm a ray of sunshine.
ANTHONY IS HOMEEEEE. Neither Eric, Anthony, or I remember this happening.
Eric woke up with his shirt like that. We still can't figure it out.
Before the bite started getting super dark a few hours ago.
That's really all I have to say.
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July 9th, 2008
ultraplanarian1
 | 06:26 pm - New Piece..
I just wrote it... (Khang helped improve it by sticking a sword "in" my back, as opposed to "on" my back. :P \m/ go Khang!!). ^^\m/
( read here!! )
Current Location: CSH - Teh w3rk HrZ...
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/roshi/palefaces/artistic.gif) creative
Current Music: Subota - Trancemaster 4004 - Infuntheria Mix
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cadburycrazed
| 11:15 pm
I was meant to go out for my housemate's birthday tonight, he only announced the meal during the day via email, and I was obviously worried about food etc. also a lot about money because i have none and just cant afford it. so in the end I had to stay late at work (am going to texas for meetings a week on saturday...anyone here from houston or dallas?!?!?) and made my ecuses and i didn't go. I went to the shops and bought a scary arse sports bra. I've been meaning to buy one for months but never got round to it. I look HILARIOUS in it, it completely stops my 32d's moving around but is like some industrial ridiculous thing! i'll have to post pictures at some point....
anyway, i was silly and got thinking to binging, so then i did binge (on fish and chips-grease heaven) and it was far more than i usually do. i actually felt full off of it and that never happens. naturally, because i felt so full i had stuff flying out of me for a good while, a *successful* purge shall we say, you know, one of the ones where you don't even try. i dont even purge that much anymore, but i did and i'm not upset by it, i was just glad to be rid of the food, you know?
anyway, a glass of wine on a (now empty) stomach and i'm feeling at peace and sleepy and laughing about my hugemous sports bra
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seanmoransucks
| 01:43 pm
http://cbs3.com/topstories/us.airways.philadelphia.2.766702.html
Shouldn't the inflight movies been the first to get dropped and go from there?
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purgatorium