The Purgatorium

New

Fri, 11 Jul 2008 19:40:35 GMT

Hey guys I'm new. Not new to the ED world though.
I'm 19, college student, working at Starbucks, binge eating for 10 years, bulimia for 3. Periods of starvation and compulsive exercise which I guess makes me ED-NOS.
Other "behaviors" I have: self injury (self piercing so its less noticeably "weird" I guess), heavy smoker, recreational drug use.
I've been to therapy... didn't work. Been to OA... support groups.. I don't think this is going away. I've been b/ping like mad the last few weeks but I need to get back to restricting so I can lose some of this disgusting fat.
I'm house sitting this weekends which means binge freedom. I made peanut butter milkshakes with vanilla ice cream, peanut butter, and granola bars. it was delicious. but then I'm supposed to hate this disease, right? Of course -_-
You seem like a cool bunch, glad I could join. Maybe I'll post pictures later. I have some entertaining ones from last night because my friend took pictures of me being very stoned....

Tell me...

Thu, 10 Jul 2008 13:23:41 GMT

What are the first ten things that come to mind when you think about your identity outside of your ED? It's okay if you wanna think about it for a bit, or just throw 'em out there off the top of your head. They could be single words, entire paragraphs or a mix of both... no matter.

Think of this as an exercise in recovery, so make sure there's just as much positive as negative.

I'll post mine later on...

Day Five!

Thu, 10 Jul 2008 12:17:01 GMT

Yeeeaaahhh! How are you all doing? Who needs support?

The heat has finally dissipated here -- that means long bike rides and walks with DOuG in sunny, but comfortable weather... all of my favorite distractions :)

I know there's a lot of you strangers out there I don't really know yet, so say hello! Maybe someone who's never posted yet if you're feeling so bold?

Or maybe someone who's been meaning to comment because they think we'd relate, but they've never gotten around to it... I dunno, perhaps there aren't any of the latter, but I know there's a lot of you I wish I knew better, so I thought I'd see :)

Much love to you all...

I had no idea!

Thu, 10 Jul 2008 01:47:53 GMT

So maybe I'm a total dummy, but I was really unaware that bloating sometimes happens when you stop b/ping.

So now I wanna know, who else has experienced this? How long did it take to go away (or did it?)

It's been four days since my last b/p, and everyday I get a little worse. I've been restricting... not severely, but enough so that the numbers on the scale are falling a bit (I know I should toss that thing out...)

Help!

Wed, 09 Jul 2008 22:26:46 GMT

I am procrastinating here because I have work to do...also, I'm supposed to meet up with a guy friend to "talk." I already know I'm going to chicken out...

Oh, joining the kitten wagon...under the cut is the pic of a kitten at 8 weeks with a pink collar!!! :) After seeing all the pics, I had to post...

Be jealous!

Wed, 09 Jul 2008 09:16:36 GMT

about to leeeeeaveeeee

ahh

i might not be able to come back here after when im better though. i dont know. i dont think so.

here i go!

Wed, 09 Jul 2008 09:08:39 GMT

I got a kitten a few weeks ago and she is very cutie wootie but at least three times in the past week she has thrown up her biscuits. It is either her or the old fat cat is hating on the new arrival and framing her. I told my psychologist today that I thought my kitten was bulimic and explained my rationale behind this. For some reason, she wasn't as amused as I was. My flatmates and myself thought it was quite funny, clearly my psychologist doesn't share my sense of humour. Pointless post yes? Bored yes. So pointless post it is. You can always skip right past it.

This is Cleo...She is squinting because I woke her up from her nunise to take the pics the poor wee child.

Wed, 09 Jul 2008 06:44:43 GMT

Hey guys.
I'm leaving for treatment in a little less than three hours. It's currently 2:39 am. Think I'll get any sleep tonight? Doubt it.
Incredibly scared, but also determined. If anyone saw/remembers my freaking out post in regards to what another girl said about treatment, I need to be stronger than that. She can be wrong. She will be. This won't just be a start. I know it's not a magic fix but it CAN'T just be a start. I have to change myself, not just make a little difference. That's just how it has to be.

Anyone want to write to me ? Lol. Well I don't think sooo ... but I'll be lonely for some contact.
Nine Hope Avenue, Suite 500
Waltham, Massachusetts 02453
That's the address to reach me .. there's another one that was posted in a comment for residential. But I don't think I'm doing residential anymore I think I'm going to inpatient. But I'm sure they'd give me the letters anyways.

Anyway ... wish me luck! I'm going to need it. I'm trying to change around how my entire life has been. No, not trying. I am going to do it, because I need to. If you need something that badly in order to keep living you have to be able to do it, just because you have to.

PS, off topic, anyone here a fan of the band Mae? If so I have a totally awesome story for you. Lol

EDIT: Hoping there are no stalkers out there, my name is Alexa Wall, for addressing letters. Haha. Though it'd amuse me to find one addressed to painthinbeauty.

Wed, 09 Jul 2008 06:42:12 GMT

*knock knock*

anybody home?

Who's up? I have class at noon tomorrow, my best friend and boyfriend just took off and I'm about to binge.

Wed, 09 Jul 2008 05:45:01 GMT

Sometimes I feel like my bulimia wouldn't exist if I wasn't depressed. As though the bulimia is just a side effect of "Major Depressive Disorder." When I feel the light-headedness, or the pain, or I fall down out of weakness, I am pleased to have participated in something (the purging) that will cause me to die faster. Watching the numbers on the scale go down cause that same euphoria. It is a method of self-harm that is not quite so visible, like cutting of some sort; it is a slower effect than I'd get with pills (at least the ones I have.) I know many people loathe the symptoms and effects of this disease, so I'm wondering if this sort of feeling is shared? Perhaps even by people who have not been diagnosed with depression, or do not consider themselves depressed..

In other news, my mother has noticed some of my physical symptoms and shipped me off to the doctor for a round of tests, which showed my body in relatively good health, other than my BMI. However she also told me not to get too happy about it, "as we often don't see results on these unless it's too late." She also switched my antidepressants to something stronger but I've stopped taking them out of apathy. It's hard enough forcing myself to swallow my birth control but the fear of the inevitable bleeding is more powerful.

Sometimes I worry that I will eventually become one of those catatonic depressives. I feel so disconnected from everything around me, and every little movement seems to take so much energy. I keep getting screamed at for "not talking" because it takes so long to get a fucking word out. But at the same time, "oh well."

Wed, 09 Jul 2008 05:00:20 GMT

What i've had to eat today??
3 pieces Dominos pizza with ranch.
kept it down.
Plus a sugar-free redbull and some diet coke.

I thought I had my appetite back after going on vacation cause I pigged out..but now that i'm home again I just have no desire for food at all....though that pizza was A-FUCKING-MAZING after I started eating it!!! I feel so empty and this feeling is soooo good, Mabye thats what keeps killing my appetite? I'm really livin up to the aAnaZ quote "Nothing tastes as good as thin feels". But i'm really not doing anything out of my way..i'm not trying to, ya know??
Or it could be that i'm in luvvvvvv<3
Got naughty with E again last night...he's so ammazing. too bad he'd probably never actually date me (the big age difference & shit)). *siiiigh*. But i'm alright with just being fuck buddies or FW/B's for now I guesss....
I don't know how well i'd do in a relationship anyway..i'm so insecure and I don't know how to open up. I hope things get easier cause he probably secretly thinks i'm a shy-ass weirdo...I just need to get over it. Any advice??
I'm so bad at just keeping a conversation going...

Wed, 09 Jul 2008 04:55:04 GMT

Two things...

1) Be honest....confession time!! When you purge in public bathrooms, how well do you clean up? Do you clean it thoroughly or do you clean minimally? For instance, fi there is back splash, and it gets all over the walls and floors, do you carefully clean up everything until it's sparkling clean? I admit that I don't always do that. When I'm purging at someone's house or my own, I clean up very well so that there is no evidence. When I'm out, I do clean up after myself, but sometimes I know that it could be cleaner:/. It's just hard because there's time constraints as well as a lack of proper cleaning supplies. Or if the toilet clogs, and starts to overflow with water and puke, I walk away (shame on me, I know!).

2) I am considering talking to a friend about this. Considering. He is a really, really, great guy friend. Sometimes it just gets really hard carrying this secret. I just need someone in real life to talk to. He came by today, and gave me a jar of this omega-3 enhanced peanut butter (we're both health nuts). I was mid binge, and had to shove my food in one of my drawers before opening the door. By the way,

In order:

--Oatmeal square cereal bar
--Bag of chips
--Granola bar
--3 doughnuts
--6 oreos
--Another bag of chips
--6 cups of rice cooked with 3 cups of soy crumbles, drizzled with spaghetti sauce and then v8 when I ran out
--1 cup veggies
--a couple spoons of peanut butter
--2 filets of fish
--A handful of cheese nips
--bowl of cereal
--diet coke throughout the process of course

I had ordered Chinese take-out to finish my binge...(large order of fried rice and chicken with vegetables and two egg rolls) but it was raining and I couldn't pick it up (I don't have a car so my only choice was walking)! I feel kinda bad, because they had it all prepared, but I didn't pick it up:/. But I guess that's better for my stomach.

Anyway, today, I said "I was just thinking about you. I was wondering if I could come talk to you tomorrow." A few minutes later, he talked about how he isn't judgemental. He said that once he had a friend "who was suicidal...she had an eating disorder, and I helped her through it." I'm not sure if that should make me feel better or worse. I don't want to put him through it...and how lame that I'm kind of like his other friend. I feel like some sort of copycat or something. But he is such a good friend...I don't know.

For those of you who told someone, how did you do it? I'm thinking of starting out talking about working out. I'm pretty near tears that this girl is working out the same amount as me. She was only working out on weekends before until she said she wanted to work out with me. So today I went this morning (1.5 hours), and then again this afternoon (1.5 hours) with her. I feel a little better, but now she is starting to work out more (she stayed after I left because I had a dinner meeting)!! I feel the urge to work out for 4 hours now because I have the need to "beat" her workout routine by leaps and bounds. I'm getting teary just thinking about this, LAME. So maybe I will start with that...but feelings of guilt are pretty strong right now. I don't want to be a burden. I also don't want to seem disgusting, weak, etc. I'm 23...I should be over this by now, right?

Love to you all!!

--Me

Wed, 09 Jul 2008 04:51:53 GMT

Things keep going wrong for me. It sucks. I came home from my therapy appointment yesterday, and my laptop died. It no longer works and its making INSANE. I have to use my shitty PC which means I cant roam around my house or lay in bed. Then I went to put on my sons favorite DVD (God Made Me..LOL) and it wouldn't work, it is so scratched. It is the only thing that keeps him occupied for a few minutes so I can get things done. My meds are all screwed up, I havent slept in forever, and im taking 2 mgs of ativan a day along with 20 mgs of lexapro. The lexapro just got increased from 10 to 20mgs and I think thats whats been fucking me up. But I feel manic-ish, and my therapist is on vacation until the end of July. Yesterday she told me if I'm not able to sleep within the next couple of nights to just cut back to the 10 mgs. The only thing that sucks about the 10 was that I was getting more and more depressed (like really bad)and with the 20 that got much better, but I just literally do not sleep now.
But yeah, enough about that. Purging has been not so good. I feel like my therapist is mad at me for not using my DBT stuff, but I really do tryyyy, its just hard. Luckily my ED therapist gets it though. I see her in 2 weeks which is good.
anyways, I hope everyone is doing okay.
<3

wow.

Wed, 09 Jul 2008 04:04:57 GMT

ok i feel guilty for doing this,
but i was looking through my sisters wardrobe for clothes, and found handbags in the back of her cupboard amongst some clothes...

in them i found wrappers and wrappers of chips and chocolates, and about 5 nutella jars....
oh. my. god.

why is she doing this ;(
shes slightly overweight, but lately shes lost so much
and once i suspected she was purging

she always eats in her room ...

im afraid she has a binge eating disorder

ah gosh why did i have to open those bags, now im worried and theres nothing i can do, i cant say anything to her, cause shes probly done the same thing to me and found like bags of vomit and binge food wrappers, or food that ive hidden that i didnt eat...

mum goes on and on and on to me about MY eating habits, she doesnt even consider my sisters because shes not 'getting to thin' like me.
mum has no idea about her. thinks she just doesnt care about her weight, eats normally..... hmm what shed say if she found this out...

sooo now its mum, my sister and me with an ed. great.

Wed, 09 Jul 2008 04:01:37 GMT

i have someone to bring me to the bus stop like i said before
but then now my friends dad is offering to drive me the whole way all the way to walden because he is proud of me and thinks someone should be there to support me. and i appreciate that so much.
and i said yes. but now .. i dont know if i regret it.like if i'll just have him drive me to the bus stop and go from there. its not like i want to always be alone but i feel like ive always relied on other people and never been able to do things myself. and though itd probably be a lot more fun going up with my friend and his dad and another one of his friends i feel like its something i have to do myself, like be independent and go through with it on my own.
but what if im wrong and thats just my control issues talking? argh.
i need to know im strong and independent and able to do this for myself and rely on myself and be strong. but i also want support. i dont know what to do.

Wed, 09 Jul 2008 03:54:14 GMT

heyy all, just got back from the yankee game (we won 5-0 woohooo) it was a lot of fun, i had a great time with my dad.

anyways, thanks for all the butt comments. really raised my self-ASSteem. haha i am such a dork.

but yea i was on the boardwalk all day...riding my bike around, journaling, walking on the beach for a little...and

yyyea...old navy flip flops...

note the random red splotches and entire hand print in the middle of my back. this pic makes me look particularly bony for some reason, i dont think i look like that in person (i hope not! haha)

Wed, 09 Jul 2008 02:51:22 GMT

I just wanna die I don't wanna be here anymore I just wanna get reall sick and d i e

What I really wish

Wed, 09 Jul 2008 02:36:21 GMT

I wish I had a pantry filled with perfectly rationed and nutritionally balanced pellets that tasted like ass.

The portions would have to be divided specifically for me, so that I could eat them and know it was an appropriate amount of food that wouldn't accumulate somewhere beneath my skin. It would be the amount of calories required to sustain my resting metabolic rate. Then the anxiety from not exercising sometimes might finally go away.

I would be okay with never having another delicious bite of anything if such shitty pellets existed, and I was able to fuel my body without worrying that basic sustenance might turn into a big ol' b/p fest.

Still Alive. . .If you remember me, you might care

Wed, 09 Jul 2008 02:27:22 GMT

Yeah. Like I've said, I disappear when things go down the shithole. Last week was my first week back from spending a week with my family. My family is quite possibly the most triggering thing for me in the world. Needless to say, I came back to my apartment after that horrible week at home, and proceeded to b/p everything edible even if disgusting. I mean, I was going through trash cans, running out to the store ten minutes before it closes to buy more stuff to b/p that tastes like shit, but is cheap.

I've gained weight. Those horrible words that all of us dread saying when it's true.

Since last Thursday, however, there was no purging. Just shitloads of binging. SHITLOADS. I was probably downing 1000 cal of liquor alone each day until Monday. This was because my boyfriend came up for 4th of July weekend, and we spent the whole time boozing and eating and going out.

I don't know why alcohol calories feel SAFE to me. And then after alcohol binges, I justify eating so I don't get sick. I'm STUPID. I hate that I'm so fucking irrational. Note to self: alcohol has calories and makes you gain weight.

I broke down yesterday. Just got out of the shower after purging for the first time since Wednesday (because liquor/food binge began). I just sat down on the sofa and started sobbing.

You know that kind of sobbing? Where you are really most upset about weight/food/ED, and then all of a sudden NOTHING in your life seems okay and you feel like an all around failure and sob even louder and longer? Yeah. That was me yesterday. Boyfriend was sitting next to me. Poor guy started panicking like all guys do when girls cry. I don't know what came over me because the last thing I want is to go inpatient again. But I kept saying (amidst the "I'm a failure, I can't do anything on time, I can't accomplish anything, I'm FAT") . . ."I need HELP".

I don't know what kind of help I need. Therapy, meds, inpatient. None has worked. I just know that I want to stop binging and chewspitting, because it leads to purging and then I get bigger and bigger. And I'm weird in that when I gain weight, I become incapable of doing anything. Laundry, cleaning, showering, let alone errands and applications or work or anything. I just become some kind of zombie-hermit.

Dear Bulimia,
I want OUT.

The end.

Wed, 09 Jul 2008 02:18:10 GMT

I am jealous of people who have their own bathrooms.

I live in a family of 5 people and we have 1 bathroom in our house. No, we do not even have a half bathroom with just a toilet or anything. We simply have 1 single bathroom.

Said bathroom is only about 4ft by 5 ft. There is a sink, a toilet, and a tub in it. Therefore the actually space for walking is about 1ft by 2ft. If you are fat, you cannot fit into my bathroom. Please go pee outside.

Since it is the only bathroom, if you take a shower, you are not allowed to close the door. People walk in and out to use the sink and toilet while you shower. You cant take long because someone might need to take a dump.

It is not an environment conducive to bulimia.

Wed, 09 Jul 2008 02:17:51 GMT

Has anyone ever tried Hoodia? It supposedly curbs appetite. That would be awesome if it actually does what it says it does.

advice needed - I clogged the shower :(

Wed, 09 Jul 2008 02:01:27 GMT

Hey girls,

I was purging in the shower just now. After I got almost everything up I decided to wash my hair and just finish off in the toilet in a few minutes. Then I noticed that I was standing in a puddle of vomit and the water just kept rising... so yeah. It is clogged and I'm not sure what to do about it. I really don't want anyone else finding out... thankfully, it is in my bathroom, but I am REALLY desperate.

Part of me wants to binge again, but logically I know that won't solve the problem.

Is there a possibility that this will effect the other washrooms in the house? Geez, I hope not.

Tomorrow I have an appointment with my therapist Maria. She gave me homework to do and of course being the great procrastinator that I am, I haven't started yet. :)

EDIT: Thank you all so much! I finally managed to fix the drain with all your help. :)

so i think i may have a problem...

Wed, 09 Jul 2008 02:00:25 GMT

Alright so, I usually purge in my toilet and flush in between so it doesn't overflow, but my bathroom sink has been clogging, and this could be for a number of reasons, that my hair is getting stuck in it, my brother shaves in there, and whatever else is in that bathroom, anyways we have a plumber coming tomorrow, but is there anyway my puke is clogging it?

ever since that has started happening i am trying to purge into bags and such whenever possible.

periods and teeth whitening

Wed, 09 Jul 2008 01:38:30 GMT

These two topics are not related, but I was just wondering...
To girls that have had their period stop before...
I haven't got mine since march 4 (over 4 months now) and before this i have NEVER EVER missed a period, and only been late a few times.
Once it stopped, did it ever come back on it's own or did you have to start eating again?

Also, I whiten my teeth with those crest white strips..does anyone know if those will hurt my teeth even more?
I have broken spots on my tooth and i'm worried the whitening stuff will just chip them away more, but of course, i continue to use them anyway....

Wed, 09 Jul 2008 01:37:45 GMT

Kids,
I love pot. =) I just don't like the way I eat on pot. I like the way I feel though. I have an addictive personality; I've realised this. I do things just because I'm bored. "Hm.. Nothing else to do.. -looks around- ... -packs a bowl- ..."

So, tomorrow I'm getting my shit together. 2468 diet attempt, but I'm going to start backwards. 8642. Thanks, binging! =D I'm afraid to weigh myself. I'm thinking 146? I'm always thinking 146. I would like to be 140 A.S.A.P., kplzthnx.