You don't want me to answer that question. But I do think there are a lot of avenues I haven't gone down yet, because I'm a closed minded old bitch when it comes to recovery.
I don't think it ever really goes away, I think there's great potential for relapse, but.....I know people who have gotten better, not totally cured maybe, but better.
I'm going to try and see the psychiatrist at mental health, as soon as I can get an appointment. It might be weeks or even months, but it's a little light at the end of the tunnel for me.

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Oh, and about the sex thing, I think it's kind of a running theme with eating disordered women, especially bulimics, to act out sexually and then feel ashamed and/or unfulfilled by it. There is nothing wrong with being active sexually and having a healthy appetite for it. It IS wrong, however, if your behavior is causing you pain and shame afterwards.
You deserve to feel loved and values, not misused and worthless.
That's mama's little lecture for today. They say those who can't do, teach. ;)

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The thing I try to keep in mind is, the people who've fully recovered don't spend their time on ED-related communities like this (or similar.) That's why we don't often hear their stories as much as the ones who've relapsed.
But honestly, that's what scares me about recovery - that I'll physically/behaviorally be doing better, but I'll still have the same thoughts that I have now but not be able to do anything about them.

All I can say is - full recovery better be fucking possible. Otherwise, why haven't I offed myself by now? (joking, but still - I can't imagine another decade of this, much less an entire life.)
Just because no one else has done it doesn't mean we can't be the first <3

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I'm starting to think that this place might be as hard to give up as the actual behaviors.....or maybe this place IS one of the behaviors.

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Yeah...I just know from personal experience, when I came back from residential and was in a much better mental place, I very rarely looked at any of the ED-related communities - not because I was worried that they'd be "triggering" or anything, they just didn't feel particularly relevant anymore.

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(And yeah, I'm one of those people who've gone to IP treatment and relapsed - but on the other hand, I didn't exactly work the program. I left after half the time they recommended, before I'd gained into my "target weight range," I bullshitted a lot because I had to make people think I was okay enough to get back to school, I abused privileges and hid food/purged/exercised sometimes. I made a lot of progress from where I was when I came in, but my situation was hardly ideal.
I also went right from 24/7 support/supervision to living on my own, seeing a therapist once a week and a nutritionist once a week. And I think the fact that I had very minimal outpatient support was a big factor. I'm going back to IP after I graduate in May and I plan to stay the entire recommended time. When I leave, I'm going to a 5-day/week intensive outpatient program, then from there a 3-night/week outpatient program - so I'll have a lot more support in making the transition.)

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"But honestly, that's what scares me about recovery - that I'll physically/behaviorally be doing better, but I'll still have the same thoughts that I have now but not be able to do anything about them."

I feel the same way. Until recently I always assumed that recovery would entail seeing some sort of light, finding a different habit, gaining knowledge and understanding about how my mind works, and then bulimic thoughts would subside, and then totally disappear forever.

The hardest part about it now is that I've done all the aforementioned "tasks" but it is simply a case of not acting on those thoughts instead of not having them at all. I thought recovery would be learning to live without bulimia, and although that's partly true I think the main, scary part is learning to live WITH bulimia and not let it affect you behaviourally. Sometimes I wish somebody would invent a 100% risk-free bulimia labotomy.

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http://fishyvb.something-fishy.org/forumdisplay.php?s=&daysprune=&f=60

*hugs*

You need to expose yourself to good examples and hope, not this place. You get what you focus on, love. You've got to be able to imagine and believe in it. This place isn't going to help you and if you truly want recovery, you've got to stop coming here so often. Good luck. I believe we can do it.

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What woman? And who are you, please?

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This person freaks me out you know who gave the same website in one of her posts. This sounds exactly like something she would say. Of course it also makes no sense who in the hell is that woman?

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I just hate that sneaky, undermining, spiteful shit. She has to always put somebody down when she doles out her meaningful advice. Grrrr.

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Ive done outpatient (ip is too expensive) and I've totally relapsed and am now worse than I've ever been symptomatically. But I know that eventually I'll rebound, one way or another.

Have hope and just plow through. Let me know if you want to talk/gripe, I feel like we are in the same boat.

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I really do feel that many women DO simply "grow out" of it. They get married, they have kids, they learn to love themselves and their bodies and accept everything for how it is. At least to a certain extent.

Of course, there are exceptions. Demonstrated by our older members of this community. But if charted on a graph, the line of population would go in a steady decline as the age range went up.

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p.s. I omit major slut vibes apparently, as well. There's only been a handful or so guys who've wished to pursue more with me. And I've only had two SERIOUS relationships, out of ummm...yeaaa....more guys than you've dealt with. Hence my lack of respect for the seriousness of sex in the first place.

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I'm sorry, but I think that's not true at all. Just because you don't have a lot of women in their 40's and 50's freely admitting (like I do) that they still have a problem and have for years, doesn't mean it doesn't exist in that population. I know many women my age and older who are still fucked up about food and body image. At least half a dozen of my friends and aquaintances admit to disordered behaviors, and that's just the few who will talk about it. Internet communities are only a small cross section of the whole picture, and most of the people in these websites are of a certain age group, teens and early twenties. We're out here, trust me.

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Pfft. Yeah I feel pretty hopeless too. I've never been in treatment. I have been seeing a psych for a year but I'm not getting better. I am not anymore motivated to try to get better. I just keep going at it anyway. I actually purge 3-4 times daily on my worst days. But wow I would definitely still consider it accomplishment that you have cut down so much.

It really hit me when you wrote about your hookup. I am a virgin still. I've never even been in a relationship. I'm 22. Fork. Sometimes though I seriosly consider just having sex for the hell of it. Just hoping that in that moment I'll feel like someone gives damn about me even if afterwards I know it was nothing. I'm tired of feeling worthless. I'm tired of feeling like no one will ever love me. I'm tired of being alone.

*hugs*

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eh. i was 22 when i lost my virginity to the first and only boy i'd ever been with or even kissed. someone will love you one day. you aren't alone. you have a forum full of quirky pukers by your side.

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hey dont feel bad i was a virgin until i was 21, ive never had a serious relationship. i Turned down sex becuase i didnt want anyone to see me and incase i was crap!

Now i turn the lights out and have had a couple of compliments in that area so......its all good, i think some men find it a turn on that at our age and we havnt just slept with anyone if you get what i mean ?

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went through inpatient. continued with outpatient (therapy, psych, etc). still just as bad as ever, at times even worse, and went from anorexia to anorexia AND bulimia. no, didn't work for me at all.

i was really lonely and wishing for someone to reciprocate love for a long time. about 18 years. haha. from when i was born until i met my current bf. and as much as we fight or argue or he has hurt me in the past, in the end, he is also the only person who has consistently been there for the last 5 years.

you will find someone one day.

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I know how you feel about the whole guy issue, i am the same, a few guys i know would happily screw me but not have anything to do with me, it hurts doesnt it! perhaps the guys in your life think that you are too good for them!!!

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The first attempted recovery for my ED via outpatients, I truely believe it became worse (mentally, although not physically) after relapse. The same goes for IP for other mental health problems, on those two occaisions I was stable after I went home for months. Then when I relapsed I did it with flying colors and fireworks.

I believe recovery for an eating disorder is possible only when the person is 100% committed to it themselves, which I wasn't. It was extremely half-assed. I also agree that it never completely disappears, but it can become more managable and controlled.

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ive been in intensive outpatient program, and in and out of stints in the hospital. i hate to say it, but i never got any better. i havent gone a day without purging, including being in the hospital and all, in 5 years. it never stopped me even once. but i dont think its about the treatment. its about the person. you have to be committed enough to do it, and i guess i just never was.

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I think there is hope it's very hard work to go through recovery. Lots of people fail because they are actually not getting the care that they need. Lots of people say oh I went to the hospital and it did not work than you ask them further questions and they were like in a medical ward. People are just put on medical ward to get medically stable not to recover. Discharge type of planning is key that's where I royally fucked up. I know people who have recovered from very severe eating disorders it's very hard work but it's possible. Someone summed up recovery pretty well I think she compared it to coming up out of a bomb shelter after a bomb has hit. You have to pick up the pieces and put your life back together. It's hard work so that's why people fall back. Also people don't always get the level of care they need.
I don't like though going through why recovery doesn't always work all eating disorder are not created alike and some people do struggle their whole life with them. This is not because they were not willing to work hard. I find a big population go through period in their life where the eating disorder flares up and than it's more dormant at other times. If there is stress the eating disorder flares up.

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i think the moment that you give up hope, there literally is no hope. i know i have given up on myself lately, but i am trying to remind myself that yes, "the sun will come out tomorrow" and that there HAS to be hope, because the day that there really isn't any more hope is going to be the worse day of my life. recovery/treatment/whatever is not a nice little way to tie up everything in a box to store forever. it's about life and having to deal with everything, and yeah shit happens, but you have to maintain some sort of attitude towards life, whether it be "fuck everyone" or "look at all the sunshine and daisies and bambi!" you just have to make it through the day, grit your teeth, and kick some ass.

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Theres a bigger picture out there somewhere... in that at least you aren't expecting miracles so anything you CAN gain from treatment will EXCEED your expectations and surely that has to be a good thing in itself.

I've been through treatment a few times, i spent a lot of my young teenage years in and out of IP however a lot of these places weren't solely designed for eating disorders [i was depressed, anxious, dissociating, self-harming, constantly attempting suicide and going between every ED behaviour imaginable] i also didnt want to be IP, i didnt want their help, i took the words "only you can help yourself" literally, i didnt want to open myself up to vunerabilities if someone else couldnt cure me and so i went home in some ways in a better state and in others a worse state. In that when i returned home i wasnt eating, was dramatically underweight but i wasnt injuring myself on a frequent basis nor attempting suicide, i was just a very depressed eating-disordered mess.

However, when i got home i did manage to get some sort of life and stability, i gradually managed to eat a little more than i was. I was walking on eggshells with all the feelings and behaviours and such but i went from someone who couldnt function to someone who struggled to function but managed. Or managed until it fell apart again.

I believe the only way to get myself sorted and get a life without falling down a black hole that i cant get out for every 6 months-2years is to go on the biggest journey imaginable through therapy, find out what my issues are, sort my head out and come out the other side with a significant lesser need to use food or any other maladaptive coping mechanism i have picked up along the way. I believe once it is all done i will still have the ED as thoughts that i will actively have to fight whenever i need something to fall back on.

I dont claim it to be easy, or foolproof but i do believe its possible to get help for depression and anxiety issues and gradually learn to move away from the behaviours. I KNOW in my personal experience that mostly if i relapse into any of the above behaviours then i fall into them at the stage i left them [they only seem to worsen with time] but from my own experience i dont just get depressed i fall into the behaviours they are all symptoms of my depression and anxiety.

A lot of the time i dont think that i will ever be ok, but when i do get that moment of clarity every so often i know that if i dont try i will never know and i believe underneath that even if i do have the occasional ED thoughts, or be prone to getting anxious or depressed or whatever i believe that after therapy my world wont start crashing down every so often for no apparent reason other than ive tried to hide from the issues.

I do believe you will be happy and healthy one day... i really do.

you're not flawed, a lot of us are pretty much alone because the disorder pushes people away. theres nothing wrong with feeling bitter or jaded theyre just feelings and you have to accept that you feel them, acknowledge them and try and resolve them in some way. I have no advice on how precisely to do this because believe me im not suceeding much in it.

but we're pretty much leeches here, you cant get rid of us. you're fun enough and pretty enough and more than adequate enough in every single way for us. :P

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