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July 11th, 2008
smokin_waif
| 12:31 pm - New
Hey guys I'm new. Not new to the ED world though.
I'm 19, college student, working at Starbucks, binge eating for 10 years, bulimia for 3. Periods of starvation and compulsive exercise which I guess makes me ED-NOS.
Other "behaviors" I have: self injury (self piercing so its less noticeably "weird" I guess), heavy smoker, recreational drug use.
I've been to therapy... didn't work. Been to OA... support groups.. I don't think this is going away. I've been b/ping like mad the last few weeks but I need to get back to restricting so I can lose some of this disgusting fat.
I'm house sitting this weekends which means binge freedom. I made peanut butter milkshakes with vanilla ice cream, peanut butter, and granola bars. it was delicious. but then I'm supposed to hate this disease, right? Of course -_-
You seem like a cool bunch, glad I could join. Maybe I'll post pictures later. I have some entertaining ones from last night because my friend took pictures of me being very stoned....
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/classic/smile.gif) calm
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July 10th, 2008
juana_lobotomy
 | 09:17 am - Tell me...
What are the first ten things that come to mind when you think about your identity outside of your ED? It's okay if you wanna think about it for a bit, or just throw 'em out there off the top of your head. They could be single words, entire paragraphs or a mix of both... no matter.
Think of this as an exercise in recovery, so make sure there's just as much positive as negative.
I'll post mine later on...
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juana_lobotomy
 | 08:02 am - Day Five!
Yeeeaaahhh! How are you all doing? Who needs support?
The heat has finally dissipated here -- that means long bike rides and walks with DOuG in sunny, but comfortable weather... all of my favorite distractions :)
I know there's a lot of you strangers out there I don't really know yet, so say hello! Maybe someone who's never posted yet if you're feeling so bold?
Or maybe someone who's been meaning to comment because they think we'd relate, but they've never gotten around to it... I dunno, perhaps there aren't any of the latter, but I know there's a lot of you I wish I knew better, so I thought I'd see :)
Much love to you all...
Current Music: Decemberists -- The Crane Wife 1 & 2
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July 9th, 2008
juana_lobotomy
| 09:47 pm - I had no idea!
So maybe I'm a total dummy, but I was really unaware that bloating sometimes happens when you stop b/ping.
So now I wanna know, who else has experienced this? How long did it take to go away (or did it?)
It's been four days since my last b/p, and everyday I get a little worse. I've been restricting... not severely, but enough so that the numbers on the scale are falling a bit (I know I should toss that thing out...)
Help!
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beaches90
 | 06:24 pm
I am procrastinating here because I have work to do...also, I'm supposed to meet up with a guy friend to "talk." I already know I'm going to chicken out...
Oh, joining the kitten wagon...under the cut is the pic of a kitten at 8 weeks with a pink collar!!! :) After seeing all the pics, I had to post...
Be jealous!
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July 10th, 2008
painthinbeauty
 | 05:15 am
about to leeeeeaveeeee
ahh
i might not be able to come back here after when im better though. i dont know. i dont think so.
here i go!
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October 9th, 2008
rainbowbright83
 | 09:04 pm
I got a kitten a few weeks ago and she is very cutie wootie but at least three times in the past week she has thrown up her biscuits. It is either her or the old fat cat is hating on the new arrival and framing her. I told my psychologist today that I thought my kitten was bulimic and explained my rationale behind this. For some reason, she wasn't as amused as I was. My flatmates and myself thought it was quite funny, clearly my psychologist doesn't share my sense of humour. Pointless post yes? Bored yes. So pointless post it is. You can always skip right past it.
This is Cleo...She is squinting because I woke her up from her nunise to take the pics the poor wee child.
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July 10th, 2008
painthinbeauty
| 02:44 am
Hey guys.
I'm leaving for treatment in a little less than three hours. It's currently 2:39 am. Think I'll get any sleep tonight? Doubt it.
Incredibly scared, but also determined. If anyone saw/remembers my freaking out post in regards to what another girl said about treatment, I need to be stronger than that. She can be wrong. She will be. This won't just be a start. I know it's not a magic fix but it CAN'T just be a start. I have to change myself, not just make a little difference. That's just how it has to be.
Anyone want to write to me ? Lol. Well I don't think sooo ... but I'll be lonely for some contact.
Nine Hope Avenue, Suite 500
Waltham, Massachusetts 02453
That's the address to reach me .. there's another one that was posted in a comment for residential. But I don't think I'm doing residential anymore I think I'm going to inpatient. But I'm sure they'd give me the letters anyways.
Anyway ... wish me luck! I'm going to need it. I'm trying to change around how my entire life has been. No, not trying. I am going to do it, because I need to. If you need something that badly in order to keep living you have to be able to do it, just because you have to.
PS, off topic, anyone here a fan of the band Mae? If so I have a totally awesome story for you. Lol
EDIT: Hoping there are no stalkers out there, my name is Alexa Wall, for addressing letters. Haha. Though it'd amuse me to find one addressed to painthinbeauty.
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July 9th, 2008
back_2_blu14
 | 01:41 am
*knock knock*
anybody home?
Who's up? I have class at noon tomorrow, my best friend and boyfriend just took off and I'm about to binge.
Current Mood: awake
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hungerconcerto
 | 12:32 am
Sometimes I feel like my bulimia wouldn't exist if I wasn't depressed. As though the bulimia is just a side effect of "Major Depressive Disorder." When I feel the light-headedness, or the pain, or I fall down out of weakness, I am pleased to have participated in something (the purging) that will cause me to die faster. Watching the numbers on the scale go down cause that same euphoria. It is a method of self-harm that is not quite so visible, like cutting of some sort; it is a slower effect than I'd get with pills (at least the ones I have.) I know many people loathe the symptoms and effects of this disease, so I'm wondering if this sort of feeling is shared? Perhaps even by people who have not been diagnosed with depression, or do not consider themselves depressed..
In other news, my mother has noticed some of my physical symptoms and shipped me off to the doctor for a round of tests, which showed my body in relatively good health, other than my BMI. However she also told me not to get too happy about it, "as we often don't see results on these unless it's too late." She also switched my antidepressants to something stronger but I've stopped taking them out of apathy. It's hard enough forcing myself to swallow my birth control but the fear of the inevitable bleeding is more powerful.
Sometimes I worry that I will eventually become one of those catatonic depressives. I feel so disconnected from everything around me, and every little movement seems to take so much energy. I keep getting screamed at for "not talking" because it takes so long to get a fucking word out. But at the same time, "oh well."
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July 8th, 2008
67riot
 | 11:50 pm
What i've had to eat today??
3 pieces Dominos pizza with ranch.
kept it down.
Plus a sugar-free redbull and some diet coke.
I thought I had my appetite back after going on vacation cause I pigged out..but now that i'm home again I just have no desire for food at all....though that pizza was A-FUCKING-MAZING after I started eating it!!! I feel so empty and this feeling is soooo good, Mabye thats what keeps killing my appetite? I'm really livin up to the aAnaZ quote "Nothing tastes as good as thin feels". But i'm really not doing anything out of my way..i'm not trying to, ya know??
Or it could be that i'm in luvvvvvv<3
Got naughty with E again last night...he's so ammazing. too bad he'd probably never actually date me (the big age difference & shit)). *siiiigh*. But i'm alright with just being fuck buddies or FW/B's for now I guesss....
I don't know how well i'd do in a relationship anyway..i'm so insecure and I don't know how to open up. I hope things get easier cause he probably secretly thinks i'm a shy-ass weirdo...I just need to get over it. Any advice??
I'm so bad at just keeping a conversation going...
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/classic/thinking.gif) contemplative
Current Music: Deftones-Digital Bath
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July 9th, 2008
beaches90
| 12:34 am
Two things...
1) Be honest....confession time!! When you purge in public bathrooms, how well do you clean up? Do you clean it thoroughly or do you clean minimally? For instance, fi there is back splash, and it gets all over the walls and floors, do you carefully clean up everything until it's sparkling clean? I admit that I don't always do that. When I'm purging at someone's house or my own, I clean up very well so that there is no evidence. When I'm out, I do clean up after myself, but sometimes I know that it could be cleaner:/. It's just hard because there's time constraints as well as a lack of proper cleaning supplies. Or if the toilet clogs, and starts to overflow with water and puke, I walk away (shame on me, I know!).
2) I am considering talking to a friend about this. Considering. He is a really, really, great guy friend. Sometimes it just gets really hard carrying this secret. I just need someone in real life to talk to. He came by today, and gave me a jar of this omega-3 enhanced peanut butter (we're both health nuts). I was mid binge, and had to shove my food in one of my drawers before opening the door. By the way,
Anyway, today, I said "I was just thinking about you. I was wondering if I could come talk to you tomorrow." A few minutes later, he talked about how he isn't judgemental. He said that once he had a friend "who was suicidal...she had an eating disorder, and I helped her through it." I'm not sure if that should make me feel better or worse. I don't want to put him through it...and how lame that I'm kind of like his other friend. I feel like some sort of copycat or something. But he is such a good friend...I don't know.
For those of you who told someone, how did you do it? I'm thinking of starting out talking about working out. I'm pretty near tears that this girl is working out the same amount as me. She was only working out on weekends before until she said she wanted to work out with me. So today I went this morning (1.5 hours), and then again this afternoon (1.5 hours) with her. I feel a little better, but now she is starting to work out more (she stayed after I left because I had a dinner meeting)!! I feel the urge to work out for 4 hours now because I have the need to "beat" her workout routine by leaps and bounds. I'm getting teary just thinking about this, LAME. So maybe I will start with that...but feelings of guilt are pretty strong right now. I don't want to be a burden. I also don't want to seem disgusting, weak, etc. I'm 23...I should be over this by now, right?
Love to you all!!
--Me
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wishedout
 | 12:37 am
Things keep going wrong for me. It sucks. I came home from my therapy appointment yesterday, and my laptop died. It no longer works and its making INSANE. I have to use my shitty PC which means I cant roam around my house or lay in bed. Then I went to put on my sons favorite DVD (God Made Me..LOL) and it wouldn't work, it is so scratched. It is the only thing that keeps him occupied for a few minutes so I can get things done. My meds are all screwed up, I havent slept in forever, and im taking 2 mgs of ativan a day along with 20 mgs of lexapro. The lexapro just got increased from 10 to 20mgs and I think thats whats been fucking me up. But I feel manic-ish, and my therapist is on vacation until the end of July. Yesterday she told me if I'm not able to sleep within the next couple of nights to just cut back to the 10 mgs. The only thing that sucks about the 10 was that I was getting more and more depressed (like really bad)and with the 20 that got much better, but I just literally do not sleep now.
But yeah, enough about that. Purging has been not so good. I feel like my therapist is mad at me for not using my DBT stuff, but I really do tryyyy, its just hard. Luckily my ED therapist gets it though. I see her in 2 weeks which is good.
anyways, I hope everyone is doing okay.
<3
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thinbarbie206
 | 01:57 pm - wow.
ok i feel guilty for doing this,
but i was looking through my sisters wardrobe for clothes, and found handbags in the back of her cupboard amongst some clothes...
in them i found wrappers and wrappers of chips and chocolates, and about 5 nutella jars....
oh. my. god.
why is she doing this ;(
shes slightly overweight, but lately shes lost so much
and once i suspected she was purging
she always eats in her room ...
im afraid she has a binge eating disorder
ah gosh why did i have to open those bags, now im worried and theres nothing i can do, i cant say anything to her, cause shes probly done the same thing to me and found like bags of vomit and binge food wrappers, or food that ive hidden that i didnt eat...
mum goes on and on and on to me about MY eating habits, she doesnt even consider my sisters because shes not 'getting to thin' like me.
mum has no idea about her. thinks she just doesnt care about her weight, eats normally..... hmm what shed say if she found this out... sooo now its mum, my sister and me with an ed. great.
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painthinbeauty
| 11:52 pm
i have someone to bring me to the bus stop like i said before
but then now my friends dad is offering to drive me the whole way all the way to walden because he is proud of me and thinks someone should be there to support me. and i appreciate that so much.
and i said yes. but now .. i dont know if i regret it.like if i'll just have him drive me to the bus stop and go from there. its not like i want to always be alone but i feel like ive always relied on other people and never been able to do things myself. and though itd probably be a lot more fun going up with my friend and his dad and another one of his friends i feel like its something i have to do myself, like be independent and go through with it on my own.
but what if im wrong and thats just my control issues talking? argh.
i need to know im strong and independent and able to do this for myself and rely on myself and be strong. but i also want support. i dont know what to do.
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July 8th, 2008
leonola
 | 11:48 pm
heyy all, just got back from the yankee game (we won 5-0 woohooo) it was a lot of fun, i had a great time with my dad.
anyways, thanks for all the butt comments. really raised my self-ASSteem. haha i am such a dork.
but yea i was on the boardwalk all day...riding my bike around, journaling, walking on the beach for a little...and ( look at the asshole who needs lessons on how to properly apply sunscreen )
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July 9th, 2008
jayla3999
 | 02:49 am
I just wanna die I don't wanna be here anymore I just wanna get reall sick and d i e
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July 8th, 2008
juana_lobotomy
| 10:18 pm - What I really wish
I wish I had a pantry filled with perfectly rationed and nutritionally balanced pellets that tasted like ass.
The portions would have to be divided specifically for me, so that I could eat them and know it was an appropriate amount of food that wouldn't accumulate somewhere beneath my skin. It would be the amount of calories required to sustain my resting metabolic rate. Then the anxiety from not exercising sometimes might finally go away.
I would be okay with never having another delicious bite of anything if such shitty pellets existed, and I was able to fuel my body without worrying that basic sustenance might turn into a big ol' b/p fest.
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lamia786
 | 07:13 pm - Still Alive. . .If you remember me, you might care
Yeah. Like I've said, I disappear when things go down the shithole. Last week was my first week back from spending a week with my family. My family is quite possibly the most triggering thing for me in the world. Needless to say, I came back to my apartment after that horrible week at home, and proceeded to b/p everything edible even if disgusting. I mean, I was going through trash cans, running out to the store ten minutes before it closes to buy more stuff to b/p that tastes like shit, but is cheap.
I've gained weight. Those horrible words that all of us dread saying when it's true.
Since last Thursday, however, there was no purging. Just shitloads of binging. SHITLOADS. I was probably downing 1000 cal of liquor alone each day until Monday. This was because my boyfriend came up for 4th of July weekend, and we spent the whole time boozing and eating and going out.
I don't know why alcohol calories feel SAFE to me. And then after alcohol binges, I justify eating so I don't get sick. I'm STUPID. I hate that I'm so fucking irrational. Note to self: alcohol has calories and makes you gain weight.
I broke down yesterday. Just got out of the shower after purging for the first time since Wednesday (because liquor/food binge began). I just sat down on the sofa and started sobbing.
You know that kind of sobbing? Where you are really most upset about weight/food/ED, and then all of a sudden NOTHING in your life seems okay and you feel like an all around failure and sob even louder and longer? Yeah. That was me yesterday. Boyfriend was sitting next to me. Poor guy started panicking like all guys do when girls cry. I don't know what came over me because the last thing I want is to go inpatient again. But I kept saying (amidst the "I'm a failure, I can't do anything on time, I can't accomplish anything, I'm FAT") . . ."I need HELP".
I don't know what kind of help I need. Therapy, meds, inpatient. None has worked. I just know that I want to stop binging and chewspitting, because it leads to purging and then I get bigger and bigger. And I'm weird in that when I gain weight, I become incapable of doing anything. Laundry, cleaning, showering, let alone errands and applications or work or anything. I just become some kind of zombie-hermit.
Dear Bulimia,
I want OUT.
The end.
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spin_cycle_89
 | 10:15 pm
I am jealous of people who have their own bathrooms.
I live in a family of 5 people and we have 1 bathroom in our house. No, we do not even have a half bathroom with just a toilet or anything. We simply have 1 single bathroom.
Said bathroom is only about 4ft by 5 ft. There is a sink, a toilet, and a tub in it. Therefore the actually space for walking is about 1ft by 2ft. If you are fat, you cannot fit into my bathroom. Please go pee outside.
Since it is the only bathroom, if you take a shower, you are not allowed to close the door. People walk in and out to use the sink and toilet while you shower. You cant take long because someone might need to take a dump.
It is not an environment conducive to bulimia.
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abnoanomaly
 | 10:16 pm
Has anyone ever tried Hoodia? It supposedly curbs appetite. That would be awesome if it actually does what it says it does.
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marionette_fret
 | 09:56 pm - advice needed - I clogged the shower :(
Hey girls,
I was purging in the shower just now. After I got almost everything up I decided to wash my hair and just finish off in the toilet in a few minutes. Then I noticed that I was standing in a puddle of vomit and the water just kept rising... so yeah. It is clogged and I'm not sure what to do about it. I really don't want anyone else finding out... thankfully, it is in my bathroom, but I am REALLY desperate.
Part of me wants to binge again, but logically I know that won't solve the problem.
Is there a possibility that this will effect the other washrooms in the house? Geez, I hope not.
Tomorrow I have an appointment with my therapist Maria. She gave me homework to do and of course being the great procrastinator that I am, I haven't started yet. :)
EDIT: Thank you all so much! I finally managed to fix the drain with all your help. :)
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metal_teeth
 | 08:45 pm - so i think i may have a problem...
Alright so, I usually purge in my toilet and flush in between so it doesn't overflow, but my bathroom sink has been clogging, and this could be for a number of reasons, that my hair is getting stuck in it, my brother shaves in there, and whatever else is in that bathroom, anyways we have a plumber coming tomorrow, but is there anyway my puke is clogging it?
ever since that has started happening i am trying to purge into bags and such whenever possible.
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vanisshing_act
 | 09:35 pm - periods and teeth whitening
These two topics are not related, but I was just wondering...
To girls that have had their period stop before...
I haven't got mine since march 4 (over 4 months now) and before this i have NEVER EVER missed a period, and only been late a few times.
Once it stopped, did it ever come back on it's own or did you have to start eating again?
Also, I whiten my teeth with those crest white strips..does anyone know if those will hurt my teeth even more?
I have broken spots on my tooth and i'm worried the whitening stuff will just chip them away more, but of course, i continue to use them anyway....
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hollerbizarre
 | 09:37 pm
Kids,
I love pot. =) I just don't like the way I eat on pot. I like the way I feel though. I have an addictive personality; I've realised this. I do things just because I'm bored. "Hm.. Nothing else to do.. -looks around- ... -packs a bowl- ..."
So, tomorrow I'm getting my shit together. 2468 diet attempt, but I'm going to start backwards. 8642. Thanks, binging! =D I'm afraid to weigh myself. I'm thinking 146? I'm always thinking 146. I would like to be 140 A.S.A.P., kplzthnx.
Current Music: Valerie - Amy Winehouse
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back_2_blu14
| 06:35 pm
Followed in Vampy's footsteps and had a taco bell bingeathon today (not to condone, blah blah, etc. we're all big kids here). did the big box thing. pretty okay. lucky charms follow up was kind of better. that was my study break.
im in class right now. history of photography. it's only three days a week for six weeks, but im thinkin that I'm going to blow my brains out before it's over.
(theoretically)
I also have a stomach ache. Woo!
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/classic/sad.gif) bored
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bluueoyster
 | 06:18 pm
i haven't had a REAL period in a little over two years. i haven't had any sort of period at ALL in a year. there were periods (LO-fucking-L wordplay) from the time i was 14 until the time when they stopped all together that i would go five or six months without one.
because i'm a stupid cunt, i think i may have permanently fucked my reproductive system. which means i also fucked fucked over the 30 year old me, should the 30 year old me want to have kids. which also means i fucked over my future husband, should he want kids (if i find a man masochistic enough to want to marry me.)
i love my boyfriend. we've been best friends for a long, long ass time. he knows almost everything about my disorder. he doesn't know this.
i know i sound young and foolish, but can you give me the benefit of the doubt when i say i do not ever, and will not ever, want to marry anyone else other than him?
god, SO many times i have warned him (that i'm a loon), and tried to break-up with him (because i'm a loon), and told him i might never change (be an ED'd loon forevermore.) and he always says that's okay.
how selfish can i be? how goddamn motherfucking selfish can i possibly get? in nine or ten years from now, do i want to look someone i love more than anything and tell him i'm barren?
sometimes i really hate myself. like on days that end in "Y"
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jokersshh
 | 04:56 pm
If you binge and purge, what is your opinion on people who ONLY binge?
Thoughts on overweight people ( do you blame them for being overweight, or is it a disease?) Discuss, be funny or be serious!
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vanisshing_act
| 05:44 pm - clothing while purging? and red splotches
Was just curious about what everyone else does...
When I purge, i take off all my clothes besides my bra...i don't really know why,I keep my bra on ALWAYS cuz of the extra skin(60 lb loss does not do very nice things for breasts)
Do you all get naked when you purge or am I weird.
Also, I have these red splotches all over my stomach, upper thighs and a few on my sides (near shoulders/back)
does anyone know what these are?
I think it may be spots bile has hit because I have no clothing on?
any thoughts?
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angeltoes
 | 02:27 pm - oh boy. oh boy. oh boy.
hi all of you.
i'm Rachel. 25 almost 26. have had weird eating issues all my life but the last 2 years have been out of control with b/ping 3-5 times a day sometimes more.
I'm 5'2 at my highest i weighed 130 i'm now at 103.
I am starting therapy tomorrow, my therapist is 2 years older than me....it should be interesting. She is a "recovered" anorexic/bulimic.
I'm nervous as all hell.
It's so weird...I'm the type of person who believes in mind over matter and that anything is possible, what the fuck kind of hypocrite am I....here I am wanting to stop b/ping...yet I haven't.
I am doing better than before...I don't do it at night anymore...and lately it's been 1 time a day....but i still crave them. I hate craving them.
Throwing up use to make me feel better....as a child...and up until recently it did as well...now...it makes me feel ill beyond belief, pain, shakey...grossness.
I'm scared to get rid of bulimia....because than what???? I'm sure in therapy I'll learn tools....but what if the tools don't fill the craving.
It's like i either eat boring foods (count calories like crazy) and restrict like a mad woman or I eat whatever the fuck I want till i cant stand up straight and puke it all out.
I'm so tired of this lifestyle...it wastes so much time.
I learned a long time ago....asking yourself why? doesnt always help...to live in the moment and do what you can now....i guess...i'm ready for a new square...I just want to feel comfortable in my body in my skin, I dont think i'm depressed...i dont feel sad...i just feel....unfullfilled....i always want more...more more. I need to learn that all important lesson of being happy with what you have...and fullfilling what you do have. I guess it takes time...I'm glad im not in the stage where I thought i had control over this...I know better than that now, I no i can't do this alone...and i know i need to give myself more credit..and become my own bestfriend...its me...just little old me....i can't hurt myself like this anymore...i deserve more...i deserve to treat myself with happiness and love, it's so ironic...here i am in control of me for the most part...i move my arms when i want....why do i move food item after food item in my mouth? because....im not sastified.
my life isn't all that bad, i have an amazing boyfriend who says he wishes he could understand...but says since he can't he'll listen to me and give me the best help he knows how, my mom and dad are a little fucked in the head..but i know they love me, my friends....well...they...kinda suck...at least the ones out here (i moved away from home), and yeah.
okay i guess this is enough for a first entry. I know my therapist is going to want me to write a journal...so im starting it now.
now...time to go to the bathroom and rid myself of this binge.
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x0_patricia_x0
 | 04:28 pm
k so i just chewed and spit the dinner my dad left me and cheese and crackers
sorry if this is gross but i looked at it and i was like if i swallowed id b purging allll of this now
i think i've finally found an alternative to stop purging
eh
hopefully..
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karliannnn
 | 05:15 pm - explanation.
For that last post:
I'm not stupid.
I know a lot of you here don't care for me for many reasons.
I can tell from most the comments I receive.
They have that "Ugh. Naive Teenager. You're annoying. Leave!" Vibe.
So.
There.
I decided to leave.
Or at least I won't post anymore because apparently no one else wants to hear what I have to say.
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autumn20
 | 01:27 pm
So because I'm a jackass...
I'm pissed off at the world right now, basically. Most specifically, my job. So I'm eating all their bagels that they had brought in this morning so that I can take them for a ride and get as much as possible out of my time here. Nevermind the fact that I'm unable to purge here. Nevermind that I'm basically cutting off my nose to spite my face. I don't care. Vengeance- it's all mine.
Irritated. What else can I eat that will also spite my employer?
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likephantomsss
 | 12:04 pm
Well. I'm not dead. I wish I was.
Last night was ridiculous and out of control.
I don't remember posting here, not quite. This morning when I woke up, my whole body ached, and I started trying to remember what I did last night. And all I could remember was being on livejournal and... other things.
Bits and pieces.
I wasn't smashed, atleast not from alcohol.
My mind's down the drain. Too much of any drug.. fucked me over.
I don't even know.
I wanted to die. And I tried, again. But this time I wasn't in control of my mind or my actions, and you can tell.
So, I'm sorry. That I'm a douche, or whatever. But fuck it.
I don't really care anymore.
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vanisshing_act
| 03:08 pm - One of my biggest binges ever
Oh my god! I just had the BIGGEST BINGE OF MY LIFE. Seriously, I feel sooooooooo fat and disgusting.
I'm gonna post it here just because I think it's so unbelievable.
I had to stop like 3 times in between and purge because my stomach couldn't hold anymore and I thought i was gonna explode, but i just kept stuffing more food in after i purged.
8 pieces of pizza
Half a pint of Ben and Jerrys strawberry shortcake ice cream
Half a pint of Ben and Jerrys phish food ice cream
6 oatmeal cookies
5 white cupcakes
1 large piece of lasagna
3 pita chips w/ spinach & artichoke dip
2 diet cokes
2 peanut butter cookies
Hopefully I can get it all out...I still feel like eating more, what is wrong with me
How many calories do you all think you take in on a binge?
If I actually calculated mine up, i think i'd be blown away.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/classic/devious.gif) devious
Current Music: Jewel-I'm Sensitive
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juana_lobotomy
| 02:54 pm - Who wants an electronic high-five?
Anyone?
I gotta hand out a little love, 'cause I think I be needing some right now!
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ivehadenough120
 | 11:19 am
Ok so here goes.
My name is Kelly, I'm 19 years old. Very recently I went to treatment for crystal meth in Vancouver BC and after I got out I decided to move here.
For A while I had a pretty good outlook on myself and on life, I started going to AA and NA meetings in hopes of meeting some sober people but soon realised that my social skills were now horribley lacking because I had been somewhere in between fucked out of my hat and sketchy for the past four years. And although I still go to these meetings I dont want to talk to anyone because I think Im boring and talking to others makes me so nervous I want to vomit
Previous to my drug addiction I teetered back and forth in between anorexia and bulimia, then eventually other ways of self distruction took over.
Now I am four months clean, lonely and uncomfortable in this body that supposedly belongs to me. I was 125 lbs when I went into treatment now Im around 150 ( im too scared to weigh myself so this is an estimate based on how much I weighed last month).
Ive been b/p ing the last 4 days, and I don't fucking care about getting better anymore, I quit drugs, whoo hoo thats a miracle in itself. I know my ED is coming back and I couldnt give a half shit about stopping it.
I cant only hope that I can find some strength to start restricting at some point soon, but until then let the games begin...
Thats all for now
Good to be back girls
Kelly <3
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sleepeasyplease
 | 09:49 am
Why the hell do i binge on things that aren't even that good..?
I'm so full right now and I don't even like what I ate that much. I hate to think of myself as desperate and pathetic but I do..
God I feel like crap. Gotta go... have a nice day darlings.
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isabelharris
 | 05:32 pm - I've whited the food out because y'all are so sensitive these days
If you might be triggered by food don't highlight.
I'm skint so I've been having these shitty B/P sessions consisting of something like 4 bowls of cereal and 8 pieces of toast and maybe a couple of yoghurts. I've been meaning to abstain all week but I just needed to do my bulimia justice before I could so I just HAD to get a big, dirty, glorious, proper B/p out of the way . so today i had a box of frosties, 2 packets of biscuits, two packets of cookies, a family sized rasberry pavlova, 4 white choc and strawberry muffins, a litre of vanilla carte dor ice cream and a kit kat chunky. I'm good to go and start recovering now...oh the irony...
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x0_patricia_x0
| 11:36 am
heyy bored and thinking about what i should eat but really shouldn't
o well.
how is everyone?
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rainracinwind
 | 12:02 pm
I finally smiled.Then, Little by little the dirt crumbled from underneath my feet. Grasping at roots, I couldn't hold on. I felt my nails being pulled from my skin. No matter what I do, I always fail, I always fall.
-Arden Alloran @ Fictionpress.com (Yeah that's me)
I'm sure you all can relate. Sorry it's not really bulimia related in the sense that I didn't directly write anything about purging. But this definitely explains how I feel relating to the recovery aspect of my life.
Anyways...Hi. My name is Amie. My 'pen' name is Arden Alloran. Feel free to call me either. I'm 21 years old and I've been ED-NOS for a little over 4 years. I'm not going to bore you all with the details, but nevertheless here I am. I've been reading the purge for almost 4 years on and off, but I've always been too scared to post. I just wanted to say Hi and hopefully I'll be posting more. I really admire all of your kick ass attitudes and I'm hoping that finally I'll be welcome. I'm a recovered druggie and I've been 4 months clean of cutting and I want so badly to be able to eat normally. Honestly, I'm sort of happy at the weight I am, If I could just get a normal relationship with food back I would be okay staying this weight for the rest of my life. I just want my life back without it revolving around food. I woke up this morning thinking about Burgerking Onion Rings. So I'm drinking a V8 to distract me and get some vitamins. I'm one of those where I don't binge, but I eat throughout the day and purge nearly every single bit I eat.
Well, Take Care everyone. And I am really hoping to be welcome here!
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jayla3999
| 03:57 pm
Im about to go to the grocery store what should I get?! I wanna have like the ultimate binge lol
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spin_cycle_89
| 11:53 am
I think I just made muffin soup.
i had this banana nut muffin mix but didnt wanna go through actually cooking the muffins and dirtying a mixing bowl and spoon and muffin pan and waiting 15 mins and all that nonsense.
so i poured the muffin mix in a regular bowl, mixed in the water, and nuked it for 3 mins. Giant muffin cake!
and of course i topped it all off with an entire stick of butter and about a cup of powdered sugar. the butter melted so it was like icing. i mixed it all together so it was a bowl full of buttery sugary icing and chunks of banana nut muffin.
it was hardcore awesome.
and is about to suck coming back up with the twenty pounds of other food i just gorged on.
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July 9th, 2008
painthinbeauty
| 11:47 am
i got a ride i got a ride i got a ride i got a ride i got a ride!!!
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July 8th, 2008
jas_cuzzie
 | 11:19 pm - question!!!!!!!
i plan on purchasing some hoodia to curb my appetite
because i cant stop eating even when i'm not ungry or even after i've eaten a full meal.
was wondering if anyone of you have tried it before and was effective for you?
those who havent tried it, would you ever take them too?
please help darlings. thanks!
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July 9th, 2008
painthinbeauty
| 10:09 am
im supposed to go to treatment tomorrow morning.
im taking the bus up to boston then taking the t and once i get off, walking the half a mile to the place.
except i have no way of getting to the bus stop. it kills me if i end up not being able to go because i cant get to the bus stop. its 15 or 20 minutes from my house by car so i cant walk, i have just enough money for the bus and train so i cant take a cab, and any of my friends that i actually could trust are off cape.
this sucks because thats the one thing keeping me from being able to go . and it just sucks. everything else is planned out but i cant make it to the bus stop.
frgkltrvgcthxoipeasdgctrhvj
its not fair.
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July 8th, 2008
juana_lobotomy
| 08:05 am - Day 3!!!!
Must keep going...
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mortarandpencil
 | 02:31 am - Intro
Hi, everyone.
I actually just found this community. I was purging a couple hours ago, and ended up feeling like shit. I have purged every night for the last 3 nights, and my body just wouldn't let me get rid of any more. I had Thai BBQ chicken, brown rice, boba, milk, and 3 chocolate chip cookies... hardly anything would come out.
Amazingly, I found this community because I was feeling fat, full of food, and looking for tips on what laxatives to run out and buy at the 24 hour Rite Aide. But now I think I will put off on the lax... at least for this moment. No promises of what the rest of the night will bring though.
This Saturday I have a big wedding to go to. I have been looking forward to it for awhile. Last week, I was so good. I stopped B/P and actually lost weight (B/P always makes me put on weight). But since Saturday I have been bad bad bad.
After I lifted my shirt and saw myslf in the mirror earlier tonight, I was already making up excuses as to why I would not be going to this wedding. "Has to be something last minute," I told myself, "Something I ate, coming down with a virus, family emergency..." It was pathetic.
So I am telling myself that between now and Saturday evening I will be super good. No B/P. Exercise. Try to sleep normally. Eat just enough raw fruits and veggies to keep from passing out. Hopefully, I will be thin enough to go to the wedding... You know, thin enough to deserve to go.
BTW I am curious to know about regular posters. What are your ages, genders, and occupations?
I am 23, female, and a graduate student.
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russells_sign
 | 05:34 am
I just remembered back in middle school when my teachers were very concerned about me and had a parent-teacher conference cuz I kept changing the spelling of my name. They thought I was going through an identity crisis.
(My entire goddamn life is an identity crisis)
I thought changing my name would somehow get rid of all the things I didn't like about myself. By spelling my name with a K instead of a C I wouldn't be too quiet, too shy, too sensitive, too greedy, too......everything. I'd be GOOD ENOUGH. I'd be perfect.
But with each name change, the "new" me was still not good enough so I just kept changing it. I went from Candace to Kandace to Candis to Kandyss Candice Candyce Kandis back to Kandyss for a coupla years. Every graded homework assignment a teacher handed back to me had a different name at the top.
Looking back, I see how ridiculous it all was, but I just didn't want to be....me.
In the midst of this, I read The Best Little Girl in the World and was shocked that the main character does a similar thing with her name.
Has anyone had a similar experience?
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leonola
| 03:19 am - my immunity to sleeping pills has reemerged
anybody else hating their insomnia right now? its 3:19am by me.
why am i awake?!?!
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purgatorium