punny business

giggle giggle, snort snort.

2008-07-20T20:46:52Z

What do you get when you cross a Japanese dinner with a goth-rock band ?

SUSHI AND THE BANSHEES !

This was originally posted in all_macros.

2008-07-20T15:01:42Z

Brew news

2008-07-20T14:36:57Z

The recent purchase of Anheuser-Busch by a Belgian company has made me switch brands. I find Budweiser makes me a little Phlegmish now.

Household punnage

2008-07-19T19:21:04Z

I was doing preventative maintenance on my bathroom fixtures today. Fast forward two hours, and my wife asks: Is your caulk hard by now?

From the medical front

2008-07-19T02:58:21Z

In the news...

Manchin agrees to open up angioplasty to more hospitals

for fans of the TV show "Psych" (or fans of Prince)

2008-07-18T03:30:48Z

At a crime scene...

Detective Lassiter: You missed something. We found prints!

Shawn: Was he... in a little red corvette?

Gus: Under the cherry moon?

Sports-centered

2008-07-18T00:12:54Z

Weekend before last, my brother and I attended an Angels game in Anaheim.

As we were getting ready to leave at the end of the game, I turned to him and said, "We can take the stairs. Or we can take the ramp, if you're so inclined."

Om nom nom..

2008-07-17T23:31:31Z

We have five kittens who enjoy chewing on our toes, or "nomming" as we call it because we spend way too much time on the internets.

Kitten: *noms on toes*
Me: That's it! You're going outside, Jeffery Nommer!

:D

puns @ 2008-07-17T13:31:00

2008-07-17T17:39:12Z

On a Television show yesterday, a man was trapped with some friends inside a safe room. He was off writing by himself and, over his shoulder, you could see him writing, "We're all going to die."

As an aside to my friend, I mentioned, "Pardon him for being Frank."

puns @ 2008-07-17T09:51:00

2008-07-17T14:51:47Z

Yesterday I was telling my boyfriend that the US eventing team had been picked. The list is:

Phillip Dutton- Cannaught
Becky Holder- Meridota Heights
Amy Tryon- Poggio II
Heidi White- Northern Spy

I mentioned I was surprised that my favorite rider wasn't named.He turned to me and said "It's ok, they'll win anyway." I asked, "How do you know?" He grinned at me and said "Well, with Phillip on the team, they Cannaught lose!"

puns @ 2008-07-16T09:01:00

2008-07-16T14:02:19Z

My uncle's doctor told him he needed Vioxx. As a result my uncle bought the pharm.

Trans-substantiation

2008-07-16T10:00:31Z

On my personal LJ, a discussion came around to breast forms and how I wanted some. And a friend of mine pointed out that they are expensive. Mentioning a former friend in such a way as to not mention her by name, this friend said, "Good forms are expensive. My smaller set were $100 each. The bigger set were You-know-who's before she grew her own."

To which I replied, "Voldemort is a tranny?"

Unjust treetment

2008-07-16T09:41:55Z

I was walking home from work today and saw that someone had nailed a Yard Sale sign to a tree. I said to myself, "Oh Gods, did someone nail that sign to a tree? Poor trees, they're always getting the shit end of the stick."

puns @ 2008-07-15T05:44:00

2008-07-15T12:47:04Z

I don't know what possessed me to watch a horror movie before going to bed last night!

puns @ 2008-07-14T12:50:00

2008-07-14T17:59:39Z

I was in Chicago yesterday, taking a cruise along the Chicago River. The cruise included a 90 minute architectural presentation by a docent for the Chicago Architectural Foundation. He pointed out several buildings designed by Ludwig Mies van der Rohe, commonly referred to as Mies (pronounced mees).

I think the designs for those buildings should be called:

The Best Laid Plans of Mies and Men

A friend commented to me that he loves Mies's to pieces.

puns @ 2008-07-13T05:42:00

2008-07-13T12:44:23Z

Purported quote from a studio executive to George Lucas about Star Wars just before release: "It's going to bomb. There is no future in science fiction."

Today on the couch

2008-07-11T01:28:34Z

*a news reporter stands on the street when a pedestrian suddenly begins to beat him up*
friend: Gee, is that what they call hard-hitting news?
me: I dunno about that, but I think that guy sure could lose a few pounds!

From elsewhere

2008-07-10T06:52:09Z

From metaquotes, chelonianmobile gets everyone discussing a supposedly offensive bee tattoo, which results in the following:

raim :Pff, ofcourse bees are offensive, y'know, bees, birds, that's like, sex, but then with animals and plants, it's gross! Duh.

tamnonlinear: So having a bee penetrate your skin with its stinger is... beestiality?

I LOL'd.

puns from the past week

2008-07-10T06:01:57Z

I went over to my great-grandparent's place yesterday to help around the house. My great-grandfather, who used to be high in the army, refused to eat the sandwich I made for him.
"After ten years of this shit, I'm bored of mayonnaise," he said.
I guess you could say he had a General mayo-laise!
--
(conversation with my girlfriend)
me: Thanks to you, my (facial) hair's longer than it's ever been.
her: why me?
me: because you said you liked it grown out.
her: But I also want you to be comfortable.
me: I dunno. It's kind of growing on me.
--
friend: where's the oddest place you'd get a tattoo?
me: probably my left butt cheek.
friend: why the left?
me: because it wouldn't be right!
friend: *groans*
me: ah, don't be a party pooper.

Woot

2008-07-10T00:30:45Z

http://shirt.woot.com/Blog/ViewEntry.aspx?Id=5301

Quoted from the site:
Don't wear this shirt: if you’re going to a business negotiation. They might think you’re implying that you’re ready to make concessions.

puns @ 2008-07-09T11:34:00

2008-07-09T18:45:00Z

I was playing golf the other day, and every time the guy I was with teed off, his club would say things like, "Hey, that wasn't my fault, you didn't follow through properly," or, "You can't expect me to hit the ball straight if you swing like that!" I asked him about it, and he shrugged and said, "Defensive driver."

puns @ 2008-07-08T17:50:00

2008-07-08T21:50:45Z

Randy Graff is such a great actress. I wish there were more of her.

If only someone would invent the Randy Graff Generator...

puns @ 2008-07-08T15:32:00

2008-07-08T20:33:25Z

My wife and I would totally do this... but we don't have the balls.

puns @ 2008-07-08T03:09:00

2008-07-08T08:12:40Z

Why did the window sue its therapist for sexual harassment?

The therapist said, "I feel your pane."

puns @ 2008-07-07T23:48:00

2008-07-08T06:50:07Z

I think I read this one somewhere:

"I've always admired the French, I like their insouciance, elan, and gall."