Today's Stock Market Report

Helium was up.
Feathers were down.
Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
Knives were up sharply.
Cows steered into a bull market.
Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
Diapers remained unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Coca Cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Balloon prices were inflated.
Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.

Not many people have heard of Ernest Hemingway's lesser-known novel, in which he describes a ventilation system for use in underground agriculture.

( It's called... )

A conversation I had with d4b, a friend of mine on LJ, went like this...

Me: Well, you'd better have fun at work, then! Or my genetically-engineered velociraptor cyborg soldiers from the future will kidnap you in your sleep and dress you in a pink bunny costume! :-)

d4b said: You must have some rather interesting dates. :-)

Me: Yes, indeed. In fact, I recently discovered one that looks just like Elvis. Last week I found a fig resembling Jesus. I called Jesus over to look at it, and he said, "Si señorita, is very much like my face." Oh, and then there was the prune that looked like Mother Theresa. My mom didn't see the similarity, though, and complained that she isn't THAT old yet. All in all, yes, we have some very interesting fruit in my house. It's all the weirderon radiation I emit.

Still me: Speaking of interesting fruit, I'd like you to meet my friend, Elton John... :-)

So you're part Jewish, part Latin? Oy Carumba!

From Arcamax daily joke email:

Bad Japanese Economy

According to inside contacts, the Japanese banking crisis shows no signs of ameliorating. If anything, it's getting worse.

Following last week's news that Origami Bank had folded, we are hearing that Sumo Bank has gone belly up, and Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches. Karaoke Bank is up for sale, and it is (you guessed it!) going for a song.

Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived, and 500 back-office staff at Karate Bank got the chop. Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank, and staff there fear they may get a raw deal.

Sarah Palin's teenage daughter is pregnant? Is she from Juno Alaska? :)

Was that in bad taste? I guess I've got Nome body to blame but myself.

Sarah Palin and Trawl

Math Tudor Needed

At least they're not looking for an "English Tudor". It would be hard for houses to come in for an interview. Maybe they'd do "in home" "tudoring".

I was confused. capn_ahab pointed out, however, that "Elizabeth was an English Tudor...I'm not sure if she was good at Math though...her father Henry was pretty poor Math Tudor since he kept forgetting how many wives he was supposed to have..."

Nothing beats the posting from the fall of 2003: "Gorilla filmmakers needed."

sacramentalist posted: I should make a clever joke about Obama's running mate, but I'm Biden my time.

Until McCain's starts Palin into insignificance?

Does a bsinthe makes the heart grow fonder.

Is elf porn fantasy?

I've always found John Carpenter's films to be too workmanlike.

My house is 40 years old, and there's a hole in my attic. I've got moa nests in there than I know what to do with. I have to get up there and wrenovate. Any suggestions?

Few people were aware of this, but I once dated a window.

She was a real pane.

My roommate and I were discussing religion earlier tonight and I said something about God, I don't remember what. And she misheard me, thinking I'd said something about Dog. I grabbed her by the shoulders and said, in a Scottish accent, "That's nae what I meant, lassie!"

A science fiction moment this morning: news headline:

Titan jails could be dangerous

My friend Sam made a really great movie wherein he made a baby doll dance. I told him he should go to school for puppetry ( and )