i'm posting to this community since i know its always very active..

i'm finding the courage and forcing myself to try and attend a suicide support group this wed night. i was just wondering if any of you have ever been to one / know someone who has been to one. i'm wondering what i should expect. i understand all support groups are different.. but i'm looking for just gereral things i should expect. is it really how the its shown in the movies (everyone goes around and says their "story" and people say something in unison to make them feel welcome/better) ?? i'm extremely nervous about going, and i'm having second thoughts.. but i think it might be good for me. i don't even know if i'll be able to speak.. but maybe just listening to others might be good for me.. idk. 

please let me know if any of you know anything about something like this.

thanks.

I'm gonna jump right in..

Who here is bi-sexual??

Lately, I've been thinking about my ex, he was my first love,first.. everything.. and now I have alot of guys paying a ton of attention to me, A) because i've lost weight and B) because i am no longer with my ex

Anyways, ive been thinking about what it would be like to be with some of these guys.. and the thought.. just turns me right off..

Is that odd??

I've always been attracted to females in the sense that "ohh shes gorgeous"...

It's been 4 days now and I am seriously thinking I might be Bi..

Ugh, I'm confused

what the fuck ..somebody keeps posting rude shit its not one of us (pro-ana's) I'm not pro -ana by they way I'm I hate ana ...lol
they keep telling me to get help and stupid shit and ....how its self inflicted lol ...I've self inflicted before ....this is not !!!! Having and ED is not...
they dont know anything about ED's and they keep commenting in my journal ....I hate it hate it hate it and I always find it on my worst days ...the bitch told me to do some research....you can tell she was trying to be nice but it didnt help no I really want to lose weight ....arrrrrrrrrrrrgh

What's everyone's plans for thanksgiving?  Personally, Im gonna fast today and tomorrow, then try to make it look like Im eating normal in front of everyone on Thursday, then I'll fast on friday again.  Hopefully, I'll lose...I am SO FAT right now!!

I woke up at 7 am today and had a shower. I never shower in the morning, I always figure I'll sleep 30 minutes more. This year, I've been so tired, exhausted actually, it became practically impossible to wake up in the mornings, and I thought it was because of my busy schedule, so I kept on going. Well, turns out, I had Hepatitis A since May until a couple weeks ago. 
Well now that I'm getting better, I find that I really enjoy waking up early. If I wake up at 8.20 and get to school by 9, I'll arrive sleepy and that's how it's gonna be for the rest of the day. If I wake up at 7-7.30 and take my time to shower, have breakfast, log into here, etc., then the rest of the day is much brighter.

So, just had my breakfast (1 banana shake, 140 cals + 1 toast, 50 cals). And I prepared my lunch: sandwich! Low cal, tho (235 cals for 2 slices of bread, a slice of cheese, a slice of turkey ham and honey mustard). It's all low fat naturally.

Well today will be long. I have 2 classes in the morning (gonna walk to school, 2.25 miles). Then I have 2 rehearsals in school and then a rehearsal for the play I'm "staring in" wich debuts in a couple weeks. And my costume is skin tight and very short, FUCK. 

Well I'm getting a bit anxious about going over my cal count for today. I won't get 500 cals worth of exercise, probably 150 if any. I really don't have the time to exercise today, wish I could but no... So I can eat 900 cals or less. We'll see...

Well people, I hope you have an excellent day!

So, I posted my english essay from last year a few days ago and I got some good reactions from some of you including a plea for me to make it into a novel. I'm seriously considering it, but it - since it was formated to fit my fifteen page final - is lacking some elements needed to make it a -good- novel. Its about a girl who kills herself as a result of becoming so engulfed by her ED (ultimately she hangs herself on her school campus to be found during a school assembly) from POV of a girl who is at the same school as she. My question to you all (since I know it would be targeted toward those like us with eating disorders) is what components you feel are 'must have's' in a novel of that sort? Or, perhaps moreso, what would you desperately like to read (so that I may include it)?

It would mean a great deal for me to get feedback on this so that I may write it (for I would really love to). 

-Alyssa 

So as I said last night, I binged and I didn't even go to the gym....2000 cal worth of donuts and then chinese food! plus alcohol annnd I didn't throw up. I weighed 116 before the binge and 108.8 this morning. How is that possible? My scales digital so IDK how to check to make sure its right. Suggestions??? Cuz there is no way thats right.

I have officially just completed my first 24hour fast. ever.

I feel like I could fly.

I never thought I could do it.

I'm hungry, sure. but Ive been hungrier on 200 cal a day

Im kinda starting to feel faint now, but I can deal.

I will start tomorrow back on 600cal. then Thursday 2468. 2 hours gym.

I have ultimate control over my life. I make things happen. things dont just happen TO me.

From now on I will only post POSITIVES here. food plans in journal. unless I really need encouragement.

how can I get my blood sugar up without eating? does it HAVE to be diet coke? im trying to avoid taste...

good luck with your preparations for thanksgiving!

okay so this is officially going to be the longest fast i've managed in two years. i'm hungry, but i'm gonna hold out. i did good yesterday, but last night had this horrible dream that i binged. >.< i know it was only a dream though. i don't keep the kind of stuff i ate in my dream at my house. =] is it bad if i've been fasting for three days before i go into thanksgiving? should i eat a little something tomorrow? not sure. 

my stomach keeps growling and to make matters worse, i started my period last night. >.< i blame last weeks' eating like a "normal" person (around 2000cals a day...ewwww.) anyway, i just keep telling myself that this is going to be worth it. anyone else fasting now? wanna be buddies?? 

also, i'm looking for a texting buddy if anybody's interested.in the usa. sorry girls, but the text fees over seas would kill me.if not texting, add me on msn forever_a_dream@hotmail.com =]

thanks!

soooooooooo sorry girls!!! 

i havent posted in weeks !!! 

ive been in a (dont want to talk to anyone anymore)  moods 

but im back weighing nerly 8st still :/  havent moved anywhere fast 

but now im here ready to give and recieve (recieve being the more wanted)  support 


so now that im back ill update you on whats just happened

argued with my mum because all the pleats in my school uniform skirt  have come out and only my mums boyfriendknows how to do them properly ......he was ment to do it last mite and diddnt!

so this morning i was off school yet again and my mum said to me why dont you just go in and i said i really can into shool with a skirt like that the pleats are messed up and then....................

she said "well never mind the skirt being messed up take a look at the body going in it !"   

excuse me ..........whats that meant to mean!!! why the hell has she said that !!!!

i need help i dont know what she means by it

yours FOREVER faithfully rachaele

I am  so glad i found this blog. I use to be on 43things and they shut down our ana blog. I have not weighed myself in a while because i am scared to see how much i weigh. I think probably around 127. which is wayyyyyyyyyy tooooo much. I'm 5'6 and i got to 113lbs and i want to go back to that weight or less. I think writing in a journal and getting support from you guys will help me get to my goal. So far i ate around 220calories but i am too lazy to go to the gym. So i think i will do some circuit training i found in a magazine and maybe jump rope for a little bit and if i have time i will try to go for a run before i have to go to work. 

Height: 5'3" (63 inches)
Age: 19
SW: 123
CW: 117
GW: 96
MGW: 110

Ok, so I got down to 114.5 and then blew it all to hell last week because of the show. I also pretty much started my old bulimia habbits, realized what I was doing and had a break-down. It was horrible. I need to be thin!

Somebody told me last weekend that I was tiny and they were worried about me. So I snapped at them and said it was "none of their business!" 
I'm pretty sure that gave everything away. I felt like an idiot. So I've been avoiding him for like, a week now. During the show it was kinda hard. But yeah, I'm such a loser! 

Grapes of Wrath went super well. I was impressed. I'm glad the show is over, but at the same time, I have all this free time I don't know what to do with! Other than exercise my ass off, litterally! I'm actually excited! lol. 

Worried about Thanksgiving tomorrow... I can't avoid eating with the family. I know that they'll say something. They always do. Guess I'll just purge it. I've gotten back into the habbit anyways and it seriously takes me like a minute to start to bring stuff up. Like old times... I'm so disgusting. I'm sorry........

<3 I love you guys!

 Ok, so this guy I kinda like just asked me what I was doing tonight and I don't know what to say! I was planning on going home tonight because it's Thanksgiving break and I really want to go home to see the fam. But he's so incredibly cute! I don't know what he sees in me anyways, I'm such a fucking fatty.... Bleh.

Oh, and I just learned that people gain up to 10 pounds during the holiday season! Can you believe that?! So yeah, just thought I'd put that into your head so you can be more inspired.

Gonna go to the gym for an hour. Gotta work these love-handles to shame!

<3 Mucho Luv!

Mon 19-Nov-07
B- Americano (5)
L- 2Oranges (80)
D- Orange (40)
S- Cig + Soda (3)
>>mini binge(11PM)- 3cups Pineapple (228)
Total= 356 cal
Exc: Walking 30 min (-75cal)

Happy me! Though late at night binge is BaaaD but at least they are fruit so I feel less guity.

Does anyone else find hat their upper half is skeletal but their bottom half is like the size of an elephant!
Does anyone have excercises for the bottom half- bum and thighs! please.

you guys......

HELP!!

Ok, I have been eating literally nothing latley.Ive been so good....so why have i PUT ON weight? like 8lbs?!?!??!
Its not my period!Why?!HOW?and what do i do??
If thats not bad enough mum had totally figured all this out..i dunno how cs im so freakin fat........!!!


Help!!:(xxxx

I weigh 123lbs.  Disgusting.  Over the past year 23lbs have take complete recidence over my body.  And I want it gone. ALLL GONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  

help me, what can I do that will burn A LOT of cals and fast?????????  I am going to run, but I would love to have lost 1.5lbs by morning =] love yas

Omg just had a maaaaaaaaajor panic attack. I totally freaked out.

I had my first exam today and i was totall stressing and yes i binged =( I just want to die i'm so disgusting and fat and horrible!!!!!!!!! I couldn't concerntrate through the whole time i was doin the exam, i just kept thinking about how pathetic i am. I ate so much its embarrassing. I was tryng so hard not to cry.

I've calmed down a bit now though. 

Whenever i freak out like this I always put on clothes that are a size bigger than what i wear and i juts look at how they totally don't fit and I start to feel a bit better. I like the feeling of clothes being too big for me.

*Sigh* having a crap crap crap day =(

Does the ol' chew and spit trick actually work?

Cheers m'dears!

x

I'm not very good at helping my self. I am stuck in this horrible cycle of b/p Last night I had 4,000 calories (mostly fat) today I did better but still purged I only ate 850 which is alot but compared to last night I guess its ok . I just cant seem to stop purging and its just making me fat...If I'm going to have an ED I should at least have one that will help me lose weight ...I mean I hated when I was ana but now this is much worse ...my throuth,my fucking pounding head, the fat,more cravings ,and cuts on my fingers and much more ....all I do is eat and eat ...I'm not even getting it all up and it drives me crazy trying to guess how many calories came up ....I hate this .....I just want to be skinny....after thanksgiving I'm going on a strict diet /fast till x-mas the goal is to strink my stomach so on x-mas I'll get full easy besides I have a wedding dress fitting jan.15 I was suppose to be 110-115 but I am still at 134 we will see if somehow I can still meet this gaol

im on vacation with my family which proposes a probably right there, going out to dinner every freakin night and having lunch together as a family and what not, it's driving me crazy!! i always order the fish cause if i order anything less they will ask why, 2 servings of swordfish today (lunch then dinner) with some salad, i mean and then i work otu and stuff so it could be worse, but please does anyone have any tips for getting away from them during meal times!!!???? my goal tomorrow is to not eat at all and make up for lost time

omfg... i have a BMI of 21.

I have to get this unnecessary fat off me.

yuk. i feel so disgusting.

i feel as though looking at myself in the mirror will make me vomit.

fuck.
x 

reading a magazine and it said that a glass of room temperature seltzer water can calm your stomach acid and decrease your appetite (even better if you add a lemon slice)

xoxoxox  everyone stay strong!

btw, I have decided to do some type of fast (not sure which one yet--either tea or lemon water or something).  Anyone want to join me.  I will post the details later......

i am going anti-Thanksgiving and doing the oppoiste of what everyone else will be doing (stuffing their face with tons of calories)

And if you need motivation: 

A  typical Thanksgiving meal contains up to 4,000 calories (1 lb. = 3,500 cal.), that increase has already attached to our body weight. 

And that is just for one day/one meal.  Think of all the extra leftovers and parties ppl go to in addition to just Thanksgiving Day!!!!

how do you lock posts???
xx

Does anyone here get issues with people at school about your ED?

Today I was at school I found this stuff written all over a table about me and it was like
"Audrey Is gaining the pounds, she should stop eating, period."
And like there was a picture drawn on the table of this skinny girl with a speech bubble saying "Im Audrey, I don't eat cause I'm fat" and other stuff like that drawn everywhere.

I know in my head that they are doing it to trigger me and make me upset cause like I was in hospital and for some dumb reason my school announced it at a assembly, and I went into recovery and Ive gained like 10 kilos and now I weigh 55 and like I was feeling good about myself again, and now I feel like shit again and disgusted with myself for letting me get like this.


what should I do?

Also my boyfriend told me that when he met me (i was 45) he thought I looked disgusting, and i look much better now, and now I want to lose it but I don want my boyfriend to think Im ugly

Ok today has been ok...the 200 day of the 2,4,6,8 cycle

Breakfast - 0
Lunch - Rice Cake - 28
Tea - 2 rice cakes and a couple of pickled onions - 60

But dancing today was like torture!! 
Not only did i miss out on what is usua;;y an hour and a half of burning cals...
but i had to sit through an hour and a half of a video of a classical ballet.  
Literally about 30 dancers all on stage, 
all AMAZINGLY thin and gorgeous.  
All their bones showing clearly as they moved.  
I couldnt take my eyes off them. 
I couldnt stop wishing i was like them. They were literally just bone with a bit of muscle...no fat whatsoever!!
Afterwards all my friends commented on how they thought that the dancers figures were disgusting,..
i was just like "WHHHHAAAAAAAAATTT?!?!"

PURE TORTURE!!!!

Ive just missed my period


I so so scared because i also started having sex with my bf around a month ago



Is there any chance it could be connected to weight loss?





:S xxxxxxxx

gahh i had a gym appointment today and my new program is sooo hard!! my arms hurt...but its a good hurt :)

any waysss
i have malnutrition and i was just wondering what will happen if i dont treat it? if i dont take the gazillion pills and eat properly.

thanking you all muchly!

384

That is the amount of calories I have consumed today
I played indoor soccer HARD for 2 hours,  and helped coach my volleyball team for an hour
I am going to go do a workout on my excersize ball for a half hour
I was really dizzy while running around
and I need to eat more because 384 calories in one day is NOT enough.
Im just not hungry....
Getting healthy seems overrated...but I want it so bad.

Today I ate rice and clementines.....
urghh....tomorrow im  making myself eat at least 600 cals...
I want to start taking zantrex again...but right now i don't need to because i SERIOUSLY have no appetite.

............Bullux.
Love you all and I hope evryone is okay. 

i havent posted in a while..... i think thats why ive been so depressed :(

Ive been awful! so awful i cant even begin to explain, binge after binge after binge. when i don't post i eat. i was doing so good for about a week then my period cravings kicked in and i couldnt stop. Ive taken so many laxative pills my body hates me, my stomach is killing me and i just want to get back to fasting.

Here's where i need help. I'm home from school (i have no friends at home and my family pisses me off SOOOOOOO bad). im going to need you guys as my support system a lot more than i normally ask for support. I don't really have anyone home to hang out with (only my friends from school i can talk to on the phone) but its hard when theres nothing to do.

I have my semi-formal for my sorority on Nov. 30. I want to look stunning!!!! (if you guys wanna look at progress so far, theres pics in my journal) But seriously I know thanksgiving is coming up and i really really need to fast tomorrow, eat a little on thanksgiving and fast up until nov. 30.

How much do you think I could loose, I know its only 10 days but last time I fasted I lost 5 pounds in 5 days, think I could lose 10???

Uugh I seriously hate being home. When i'm at college no one questions what i eat if i eat or how much i eat. I can go 10 days without eating and no one would ever know! here i feel like i'm ALWAYS being watched! Ugh i really really hate it :( and the fact that my bf is 3 1/2 hours away when we're both home and a 5 min walk when were at school, :( 

If anyones up for chatting or anything let me know. I'm going to be bored out of my mind this entire weekkkkk..... what can i do to keep my mind of eating and such?

<3 SSTT <3

Why is my face fuzzy?

It's so disgusting. Does anyone else get this furry face thing?  How do you deal with it?

Also, my hair is  falling out.

Why is it that all of this striving for beauty is just making me bald and furry! Frustrating.. but not frustrating enough to make me want to eat normal!  -- I don't even know what normal eating is anymore.. or how anyone can possibly do it. Oh the joys of this distorted perception!