| Hear Ye, Hear Ye |
[Aug. 18th, 2008|03:13 pm] |
Yesterday's entry was an object lesson in why I am extremely reticent to discuss personal topics in my LJ and an illustration of the dark side of online blogging. People often equate LJ to a "safe space", which is bunk, in my opinion, since anything posted to the ether is exposed to countless unknown eyes. I've often called LJ the Internet equivalent of the bathroom. You're allowed to do or say whatever you like behind the walls of your LJ, but you should be aware that your cozy dunny has glass walls, and as such, people might look inside and be disgusted or enraged.
So, I've always been careful about letting it all hang out when it came to both the internal and external struggles bundled with my handicap. I knew that some folks, even those who've interacted with me for years in the virtual metropolis, might flip their shit if I let slip that I was often angry, frustrated, and resentful with the world. People Who Are Different or Struggling are not supposed to be angry or express unkind, secret thoughts. They are supposed to bear up with dignity and be an Inspiration.
If they do anything else, if they stumble, they risk their every wart, pimple, and human foible coming back to bite them in the ass.
I knew this, so I kept quiet. And I should have kept keeping quiet, but I got complacent and fell into the trap of thinking of this LJ as "safe space". I forgot that these bathroom walls were made of glass.
Mea maxima culpa.
Disclaimer: From this point forward, I will be speaking in terms of generality and universality. Unless otherwise specified, I'm not talking about ![[info]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) niamh_sage.
I'm tired of my every attempt to explain and examine my complicated emotions as a disabled person being dismissed as delusional railing and pointless anger, paranoia and the joy of misery. Every other oppressed and struggling group on the Internet is encouraged to speak out, to let their voices be heard. The LBGT community is encouraged to tell their stories, to unite in a supportive environment. Hell, an openly gay man in fandom might as well sit down and wait for temples to be erected in his honor. Blacks and Latinos are encouraged to form communities and discuss the [insert minority group here] Experience. Abuse and incest survivors are rightly lauded for their bravery. People with eating disorders are told they can find support here.
Disabled folks? Not so much. While we're appreciated as a quaint novelty, we're in the steerage with the cutters and the kohl-snorting emo children when it comes to expressing angst or anger. And if we persist, well, it won't be long before the cries of "Being disabled, you're doing it wrong!" ring out, along with accusations of whining, pity-whoring, and delusion.
There is no winning.
Because I'm tired of people I trusted lobbing charges of cowardice, delusion, petty spite, and gleeful cruelty at me whenever my so-called frankness and clever sarcasm suddenly become unfair and mean(which, coincidentally, happens as soon as it's no longer somebody else on the receiving end), I've got to decide whether or not it's in my best interests to discuss anything other than fannish interests and creations in this LJ.
Nothing is certain. In fact, I suspect that entries discussing my disability or my thoughts on yaoi or anything unrelated to TV, music or fandom will be filtered. That way, people who are butthurt by the notion that I'm not a virtuous invalid incapable of anger or unreasonable emotion don't have to be confronted with my naked, dirty ass if they should happen to glance into my bathroom.
Comment or PM me if you'd like to be added to my Personal Issues filter. |
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