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[18 Jul 2008|11:54am] |
oh hectic hectic life. it never really seems to get any easier. not that i'm asking for it to cause it's good the way it is. it'd just be nice to have some slack cut every now and again.
things are pretty fucking good. we're all moved in and only have a little painting left so thats not too bad.
no internet so posts are alot less frequent.
all and all, can't complain. other than stupid school and it's bullshit requirements.
a more in depth post will soon follow.
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[16 Jul 2008|11:04pm] |
first impression of the new project runway:
blayne=tweaker.
clicking yo jaw, big eyes, and aint makin no sense. i know my people.
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[16 Jul 2008|06:19pm] |
my mom gave me a letter from my dad last night that she found in the shed. its dated 1-9-92. its so strange to read because i dont remeber how i related to him. i know that i hated him at the time. and i know he had just recently gone back to prison.... because we moved from the address on the envelope soon after he was taken. we couldnt afford the rent. my poor mom. she had to bust her ass everytime he would go to prison. i remember she worked from like 8am-11pm during that time. 2 jobs. she went door to door selling stuff too. she also was so stressed during that time that she would unleash on me bad. those were the worst. but i was also getting out of control... and her craziness also kept me from joining this gang that was trying to recruit me at the time. haha. a gang. but really... thats funny. i cant believe i was almost part of a gang. i wonder what my life wouldve been like if i had.... ok, tangent... aaaanyway. so back to this letter. reading it was weird for me. i didnt think i would even read it, but seeing that it was from 92 i figured i had already. when my mom told me she had a letter from him, i thought it was something i had never seen and thats why... but i guess i dont really have anything from him, which must mean i left it. i did feel emotional when i read it. i didnt think i would. the thing that got me the most was when he said this:
"so your mother is really smoking alot? did you tell me that she was really getting a bad cough? you started to tell me something like that when you came with your aunt laurie, but i was talking to all 3 of you and i didnt think about what you said until after you left. or did you say something about her taking her pills and smoking? write to me and let me know so i can talk to your mom about it, ok?"
simple huh? shit, it sounds like me. the way he words stuff is the way i do when i write a letter or something. i dont remember him taking care of me. i dont remember him ever really being concerned for me. i just remember him mad or high. i know we fought so much, but i dont remember him even talking. i dont remember his mannerisms. i remember he laughed a lot, but i dont remember his laugh. he laughed when he was high. he was arrogant. i remember that. i remember his cool look. when we would go to family gatherings... the face when he was being judgmental and uncomfortable and trying to pass that everything was good with us. it wasnt. and everyone always knew it. and he knew they knew.
but anyway, i forgot what it was like for my mom not to really be my responsibility. "did you say something about her taking her pills and smoking? write to me and let me know so i can talk to your mom about it, ok?" even when he was alive, i felt alone and scared... but i had the hope that he would come home and she would be his responsibility. even if i hated him and didnt want to be around him, it was better than being alone when my mom was banging on the walls faking having a heart attack. i guess he pretty much let us down in every way possible. he was never there when we needed him. we were always bad off because of him, and he cant even make up for it cause he fucked up. he killed himself. he left us alone again, but there is no coming back. whoa... this is too intense. shit. im dumb. calm down.
could he reason with her? how could he be with her if not? she is so crazy and unreasonable, and he was angry but smart. could he control her? i dont remember. i just wish he would take care of her and i could actually live a life. any fucking life. as long as its mine. im fucking gonna be thirty.
prison visit. i didnt really know him then, and he was always nice to me. he went to prison when i was three. i loved him a lot. 1st grade.
this was in the first year after he had gotten out of prison the first time. he was high on heroin in this pic. he had started being mean a few months after he got out, so i felt uncomfortable sitting on his lap. the next years were hell. 4th grade.
hell. at my cousins wedding. fake smiles all around. i think im the only sober one in this pic. he had recently gotten out the 2nd time. 9th grade.
omg. stfu. done.
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[15 Jul 2008|02:42am] |
i got this tonight!
80's schwinn 5 speed cruiser! $45.00!!! it needs a little love, but is ready to ride. i rode a few miles tonight, and the gears need little work, but as long as you dont get too crazy its coo. i got it from the bike oven which is a nonprofit, and i think im gonna start volunteering there. they get old bikes and rebuild them and sell them cheap to promote clean air transport and personal health and many other reasons. they start you with taking them apart, and then you move up. you eventually learn how to fix your own bike basically. i want to build a low-rider chopper bike soooo bad, and i think this is the perfect opportunity. for a donation, as a volunteer, you can use their machines and tools and chemicals plus parts. ahhh yes. exciting.
damn, i wish my job wasnt at the top of a gianormous hill. wanna rise to work.
im sleepppyyyyyyyyyyyyfddddddxd............
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[14 Jul 2008|02:35am] |
this and this are just dumb! these videos are placed on youtube so that people are fooled into believing something really extraordinary was just done by ordinary people. manipulation has always been the tool the advertising world has always relied on. now that technology and the way we gather our information has changed, they've just done what they always do. they keep up. as the general populace smartens up a bit, so do the people who control them. they have to. to keep you going to their stores and buying their products. when there is a tool as powerful as film, there is an opportunity to shout it out! to shout about what is really happening. but whatever tool you use, so they will also. how many people who watched this movie still shop at walmart? now we have disguised videos so companies can take over the top spots on the most viewed list, or whatever the fuck it's called, leaving the real stuff behind. they let us choose them. they let us do all the work. their job seems to be getting easier. the voyeuristic element to this generation has been invaded. voyeurism's popularity is most likely due to peoples true desire to see what is real. what is fucking real? i grew up with shows like the cosby show, or whos the boss, or 90210. thats not fucking real. what you do when you think no one is looking. that is real. so one element of that may be laughing at stupid things real people do on youtube. you judge them. youre smarter than them. you dress better. you laugh at them. why cant it be that simple? well now, the jokes on you. they are fooling you again.
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[13 Jul 2008|03:32pm] |
last night. spoonfuls of peanut butter sprinkled with magical fungus grown on a pile of shit....
we didnt know what we wanted to do on this saturday night. no money. some booze. some pot. we could do what we always do.. smoke a spliff and sit around or drive somewhere and sit in the car.... they had been in my freezer for like a year. ground up cause we made tea out of them... they sat untouched due to the intensity of the trip. it was crazy. im sure i wrote about it, the trip at the beach. well, we eased our way in. sprinkled some in our taco.... waited. i could feel it in my chest. smoked a bowl. waited. i could feel it in my eyes. we wanted more but there were no more tacos. peanut butter! we got 2 spoons and it is now my most favorite way to eat mushrooms ever! make a little volcano on your spoon and sprinkle away. we ate spoon after spoon and smoked bowl after bowl and washed the peanut butter down with our vodka drinks. we were ready to explore! we walked to the park and although its about 4 blocks away, it took about 45 minutes. we climbed up the embankment and sat under the freeway. feeling the vibration of the cars as they drove feet above our heads. we both had our ipods on, but were simultaneously in both worlds. eventually we made it to the park, and everything was so amazing. i love all the colors every time. even at night, they stand out and are vivid and alive. flowers are always amazing to me. while trying all the playground toys out, slowly and with a new set of eyes, raindrops started falling. we settled on one of those platforms the leads to three different slides. where all the kids line up to have their turn. you have to take the bridge to get there. it was safe and cozy and no one could see us. we talked. the universe. music. life. we shared an ipod and listened to sigur ros and while laying on our backs the tops of the slides framed the sky. we were in the eye of some storm. it was silent and peaceful, and we could see chaos surrounding us. we felt safe. we watched the clouds and the gifts they gave us. we smoked another bowl. no concept of time. after what was probably hours, i started feeling cold. we played a bit more. took another 30 mins to walk home. pondered about the prisons on every corner they call schools. asphalt jungles with trapped trees that are perfectly paced to mimic the robots they hope to create. one thing i remembered about england is that the schools looked like parks. it was like those buildings had always been there. the trees were growing over them and there was no fence trapping those little minds in. i ate one more spoonful when we got home. i fell asleep almost immediately. if i dreamed, i dont remember.
this was our last attempt at repair. our friendship is broken, and this was our effort to help things change for the better. it was good. i wish things could always be as simple and complicated as the world is when shrooming. we were ourselves.... which we seemed to have lost in each others presence. we were honest and open. no defensiveness. no old wounds threatening every conversation. just us. and the clouds.
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[11 Jul 2008|09:34pm] |
right now:
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[07 Jul 2008|08:37pm] |
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ive had a pretty terrible week. my parents are getting a divorce. and its not one of those nice divorces, its one where my dad was kicked out of the house kinds of things. my mom is an emotional train wreck, this family is broken, but my brother and i are moving back in for a little bit to help out and whatnot. i think i might have a job? or atleast i passed my SATs to work at abuelos and they want a second interview. im good at interviews. i need money really bad. ive sold all my dvds save a few for groceries, electric bills and shit. i have one month left at my apartment, then back to my moms for however long it takes to get things sorted out around here. at least this time shes letting kilgore come with me. i think it will do me some good to be home for a couple months, then i can save up bunches, get myself a one beddy, and then eventually leave the state because i dont want to live in ohio anymore, theres nothing left. who knows where the wind of 2008 will take me. im really lonely. this has been a terrible no good very bad year.
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