Me ([info]ehstrumpetgod) wrote in [info]partners_of_tg,
@ 2008-02-19 15:14:00
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sexual orientation changes
Hey everyone. I've been watching this group for a while now, and I really appreciate the advice and support people offer here.

And now time to offer up my own situation.

My partner and I have been together for over two years now, and it's the best relationship I've had. We work really well together. My partner (ftm) is just beginning to get his feet wet in terms of transitioning. He had his first appointment with a therapist and is looking into starting hormones in the near future. He's been pretty genderqueer for the majority of our relationship, and so when he expressed that he's feeling like transitioning might be in his future, I was not at all surprised or bothered.

Personally, I ID as a cisgendered woman, and I've considered my sexual orientation to be Queer. Just general old queer, because while I feel queer, I don't like the categories of lesbian or bi or anything. Gender doesn't make a difference to me, and there are a lot of people who fall between male and female for me to think that labeling myself as bi would really work. Anyway.

The situation is that the other day my partner expressed a concern to me about his transitioning. He said he's woried that when he starts hormones his sexual orientation might change. I haven't read much about that and was wondering if any of you had experience with it. We're very committed to each other, and I'm committed to being with him through his transition and regardless of what gender he IDs as, but now he has me worried that I might lose him because of this. I mean, if the hormones change his orientation, there's not really anything we could do about it, but honestly it scares me a little.

Any advice or experience would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.


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[info]met_amphetamine
2008-02-19 11:33 pm UTC (link)
I don't know that sexual orientation changes in a person's lifetime. Wikipedia has an article about biology and sexual orientation here.

What I do know is that I share your fears about my own boyfriend, who swears up and down he won't change or leave me, and my other tg friend doesn't seem to have changed, but everyone is different and hormones are quite powerful. I've had one boyfriend leave me because he discovered he was gay, and the fear of it happening again is constantly with me.

I'm sorry I'm not any help :\.

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[info]tribal_tiger
2008-02-20 12:29 am UTC (link)
from what i've heard, it's less that sexual orientation changes, and more that whoever's on hormones becomes more comfortable with their orientation. as in, most transguys try to be guys so bad, they deny any attraction towards males, because it's something that others take to be "proof" that they're really girls.

but once they're far enough along in their transition, they don't feel as much pressure to "prove it" so they start paying attention.

so it doesn't happen to everyone on hormones. it won't happen unless he already has some kind of attraction towards males.
i've had several friends go through this, and not all even went on hormones. it was mostly them being afraid to admit it, and then figuring out there's no reason to be afraid of it.

just make sure you guys talk about it as soon as any issues come up, for either of you, regarding ya'll's relationship, and if something drastic happens, at least you'll know ahead of time, but most likely, you'll be ok.

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[info]aki_no_kaze
2008-02-20 12:40 am UTC (link)
agrees, hormones don't make you someone else, they make you more you.

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[info]k_widdlesons
2008-02-20 01:02 am UTC (link)
I know this is a fear (sexual orientation changing) that my girlfriend has expressed from time to time. I identified as lesbian/queer when I was younger, and I found that 15 years later and after a year on T, my attraction still lies towards females. Don't know if that helps or not, but there it is.

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[info]tommytesto
2008-02-20 01:25 am UTC (link)
I wish there were a way to search tags in this community, since there have been quite a number of very nuanced discussions of this. Every situation is different, but there are likely to be back posts from people who don't participate regularly in the forum.

As far as sexual orientation changing, well - yes. It certainly can. I know a lot of it gets chalked up to guys feeling OK about being attracted as gay or bi men to other gay men or bi men, now that they are comfortable with their own manhood - but frankly, that doesn't add up as much as people might want it to. A lot of guys come out as gay exactly at a point when it might be most troublesome for them, and they are not established or "comfortable: in their male identity (insofar as they have one - not everyone does). This is so much of a conundrum that Walter Bockting (who legitimized in the first place the possibility of FTMs being allowed to transition knowing that they were gay) is doing research on it.

That said - people change for all sorts of reasons. Communication is very important - including communicating about how communication changes. Good luck.

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[info]turkishb
2008-02-20 02:20 am UTC (link)
agree with what you've said here. we should start taking statistics of how many "change orientation"

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[info]ericaequites
2008-02-20 08:15 pm UTC (link)
We need more honest and unbiased longitudinal statisically valid studies of transmen. Topics could include sexual orientation, safety of various T doses over long (3-5+ years), satisfaction after various surgeries as related to outcome, and lots of other info. It would be useful to all, as it would help establish more standard treatment parameters, meaning perhaps more doctors would be willing to supervise T or perform SRS. Also, as risks become better known, treatment costs might drop as hormone therapy and surgery become less "experimental".
As for sexual orientation changes, I feel it's problably a matter of expression rather than attraction. After T, one may feel more comfortable following one's heart.

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[info]rinkori
2008-02-20 07:02 am UTC (link)
My partner's sexual orientation did a bit of a 180. This coincided roughly with his accepting himself as a transgendered man and strengthened as he socially transitioned. While we were first dating, when he lived as female, he was primarily attracted to women; as he became more comfortable with himself as a man, he became much more attracted to men, and currently IDs as a gay man.

I'm sorry I can't be more helpful, because honestly I have no idea what might have caused the change in his preferences. Since I'm a cisgendered woman and am thus in a category he's not very attracted to as a whole, I feel very insecure about it.

FWIW, though, I don't think it's hormones themselves that affect changes in preference. My partner's ID started changing long before he started T.

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[info]loreecd
2008-02-20 12:43 pm UTC (link)
I agree that a significant number of FTMs "turn gay," BUT... I've been partnered 8 years to a gay male. He once told me that on one of his lists for trannyfags, it seemed like MOST of the guys had female partners. It's entirely possible to id as gay male and be partnered with a woman. I will say that, like you fear, it's been hard for me to become secure in his attraction to me, given his orientation. However, that problem is more my head trip than an actual one, and we've worked on it together. If your relationship is secure, you probably have less to worry about than you think.

Loree

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[info]janalynn27
2008-02-27 07:08 am UTC (link)
My ftm partner is three months into T and as he has come along in his transition, has suddenly turned his orientation from strongly attracted to women to only attracted to men. I don't understand. I mean I am pretty sure with what he has said since telling me that he is gay that he is at least bi, but to lose all attraction to women, I don't understand unless it is just the strong hormones that are putting the attraction to me in the forefront right now *shrugs*

my thoughts are with you!

Jana

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