ok doing a tour around the african habitate on a truck and as im talking about one of the animals i hear the gate on the truck open and i turn back to see this lady jump out screaming in joy and running to our zebras where we have a few baby ones. i have to jump out as well to grab this lady before the male zebra charges. the crazy thing is that at the time there well well over 20 animals in the area that could have hurt us. grrrrr

I hate the on season. Passionately. I dread the passing of the rains because it means the crazies come to the Zoo to display their poor parenting.
-Why yes, those are in fact sharks. Big black ones, in fact. Now, let me answer your question with this question: WHY ARE YOU DANGLING YOUR CHILD OVER THE RAILING? They are sharks. This is pretty evident. Nothing in that tank looks remotely friendly. WHYWHYWHY?
Same goes for the idiots that do this over the Belugas. Oh, the beluga would carry little Timmy to safety if he fell? *headwall*. Wild animals, crazy lady. WILD ANIMALS. I hope you get hypothermia.
- As I ramble about the pretty tropical fish, STFU! It's a small area with a lot of people I must project towards. If you have a question, that's fine, but do not interrupt me to ask me if the big endangered one is "good eatin'". I will get mad at you. Yeah, bad_service and all that, but it's rude and mean. I care for these amazing animals all day, comments like that are not acceptable. Next time, I swear I will ask if their child is "good eatin'".
- Yes, those are our volunteer divers in the tank with our sharks. They are rescue-diver certified and extensively trained. No, you may not go in. But you've been snorkelling in the Bahamas? Oh, well, that totally makes it okay. What are people honestly expecting me to say when they suggest crap like this?
-I'm sorry you don't like all the construction near the front, but Animal Avenue is nearing completion and you should come back on memorial day weekend to see it! What's that? You want to see the animals NOW? Uh, they're in our Hospital for quarantine. That's okay, you say? You're clean? I won't elaborate on this further, the vein in my forehead is telling me to quit while ahead. You can fill in the ensuing argument.
I love my job, but I'm so glad I'm working elsewhere for the summer (Hawaii here I come!). I just can't take the crazy in doses this great.

Oh, awesome audience man, you made my whole life this week. As I fed the tropical fish (exhibit to my back as I shpeeled), you burst out singing "That's Amore". I thought you were crazy, but I turned around and saw our leopard moray emerging for some tasty mackerel. I never hear seriously funny stuff at work, that was very clever and funny. I applaud you and award you a handful of tasty krill.

You know. Where the giant insects in bright primary colors are? Where the ground is that squishy safety paving? Where there are obvious climbing structures? Near the loo that has the changing table? Where the sign says "CHILDREN'S ZOO"?

The playground is not the large fake rock formation designed to keep you out of the lion's exhibit. Yes, I know the tots *can* climb it. That does not mean they *may* climb it. Would you have them climb the chain link into the tiger habitat? They *can* do that, but I will wager you would not let them.

For all of the jerks who bag on the glass to try and get the animal to look at you for your kid or a photo..please stop and tell your little spawns to stop doing it as well. the animals could care less that your there and will do what they please. they see people everyday and hear the banging everday to the point they block it out.

Dont bang on the glass when i am in there as well setting down some treats screaming at me like i cant hear you when i can asking when the animals are coming back out because it took you all day to find the hab and they are not out. Im sorry if im trying to enrich my animals with a treat but i think you can wait on darn minute for me to set all the gates in place before letting th animal back out.

DONT FEED THE WILDLIFE OR THEY WILL ATTACK!!!
please read and burn it into your skulls you crazy people

ok im done for now...let me work a few more hours and see what comes of it. sigh

Why yes, I am indeed carrying a large bucket of frozen fish, how observant of you!
-Yes, they are in fact real.
-I promise, they are real. No, you can't touch to prove it. They're icky and you're ickier.
-No, really, I wouldn't waste my time carrying heavy buckets of plastic fish.
Onward....
-No, we aren't feeding the animals right now. These fish are frozen.
-"But Belugas love frozen fish". Oh really, good to know you know how to do my job, otherwise the poor things would starve.
-SOLID FROZEN. No I can't microwave them so your kid can see the Beluga/Shark/Walrus eat. They've been fed. I don't feed animals for your child's delight.
-Yes, they are real. I'm not trying to trick you.

Day after day....
God I can't wait for my new job (helloooooo Hawaii!)

Appropriate and Inappropriate Responses to Situations


Lesson One:

My horse is working. When his harness and bridle are on and he is attached to his streetcar, he is doing his job of pulling. All business. When I kindly and politely ask you to not to pet his head as it distracts him and invades his personal space, your answer should be:

A)"Oh, sorry!" Followed by a prompt removal from his head, and perhaps a request on whether petting is acceptable, and where you are allowed to pet him if it is so.

Your answer should not, under any circumstances be:

B) "I have horses, it's okay." Followed by a complete and utter disregard for my request.

Response A will garner much favor and will incline myself and my fellow drivers to be gracious in allowing people to pet our horses. Response B will earn first another, firmer warning followed by a summoning of security if Response B is repeated. Response B also inclines myself and fellow drivers to discontinue allowance of petting altogether on all horses, not just certain ones. Please keep this in mind when interacting with a driver and her horse.


Lesson Two:

The bald eagle perched out was originally found as an adolescent by a woman who attempted to make her into a pet. Said eagle, in an attempt to fly through a sliding glass door, fractured her wing irreperable and caused the aspiring pet owner several deep wounds. After hearing her story and the stories of several other raptors who came from failed pet situation, your response should be:

A) "That's so sad! Why would anyone want a wild animal as a pet?"

Your response should NOT be:

B)"I had me a Great Horned Owl for a pet once, when I was a boy. What you gotta do is steal 'em outta the nest young and raise 'em before they get a chance to turn mean. Helps if you tie 'em down all the time so they don't know how to fly good, too."

Response A earns concurrence, and earns the responder a golden, shining badge of Common Sense. Response B earns you the ultimate, turd colored Idiot Award. Response B, unfortunately, is an actual, verbatim response. *facepalm*


Next time on Appropriate and Inappropriate Responses...Why Off the Wall Conjectures About Things and Situations You Know Nothing About are Bad!

Current Mood: cranky

for the love of god people a spectacled owl is not a freaking penguin and a black vulture is not a baby eagle

Why is it that when you are cleaning out an enclosure people just watch you..? Not at the animal at all, you look up there are eyes fixed on you picking up poo almost looking hopeful in some way. Aware of being watched you continue your job being stared at until the point you leave the enclosure, what do they expect you to do? Juggle? I don't know.

If I saw the same people out and about walking their dog I wouldn't stare as they put a plastic bag over their hand and picked up a big steaming 'Mr Whippy'. I find it very strange...

Hi everyone I am a new member, I work with bird of prey in a medium sized zoo and I am afraid that many guests do indeed suck.

I wanted to share something I had written a long time ago, I hope there are people who can relate!

Dear Customers,
Whilst working in any environment there are, I am sure, many comments, phrases and actions you may hear more than you would like to and loose any ounce of humour after the first 20 times. Please bear this in mind when visiting a zoo. Oh dear customers I can assure you anything you say to try and be funny in front of your family is neither original nor intelligent, in fact I can promise you that the exact same thing was said by the previous group walking a head of you. Please forgive me if I do not smile at your wit. The following is a helpful list to prepare you for your fun day out laughing at all the stupid animals.

1. In human society when asking for anything it is customary to say 'please' or 'thank you'. If these words are not available then at least 'excuse me' or 'beg your pardon' will do. I am not particular as I will accept foreign languages too for example; 'perdon' (Spanish), 'Scusi' (Italian), 'Pardon' (French), 'Entschuldigung' (German), etc, I could go on. I would prefer this than just standing in front of me, blocking my escape and talking at me.

2. In addition to the above, asking me something with no indication that you are talking to me as I quickly walk past is not very practical either.

3. If you observe a zoo keeper walking down a path towards you in a brisk manner, it is helpful and practical to move out of his/her way. Please to not look at them and continue to block the path with your hellspawn child in a push chair. If there are many children then as a (delete appropriate) school teacher/carer/guardian it would be nice for you to have some control over the brats.

4. If you see a zoo keeper pushing a wheel barrow full of gravel or carrying something equally heavy then please refer back to the previous but with more speed.

5. On occasions you may observe a keeper moving a bird of prey which involves building a lot of trust with that individual bird. Should you be lucky to witness this then please refer back to 3 but with even more speed than 4. Do not let your miniture minions come running over screaming and I request that you do the same. If I had a tiger would you behave the same? Well probably.

6. Do not suggest that the way we keep bird of prey is cruel, you have not read the signs. In addition to this perhaps you should compare us to other places first before you make an un educated judgment.

7. Owls do not go 'twit terwoooo'. Do not teach your brats this.

8. Our owls are not 'snoring'.

9. Our Harris Hawk has been named 'Bryn', it is pronounced as 'Brin' and not as you keep suggesting 'Brian'.

10. Our Harris Hawks, Falcons and Owls are not 'Eagles' nor are they 'Ravens' and definitely not 'Chimpanzees' (seriously).

11. Our Ravens are not Harris Hawks, Falcons or Owls.

12. Frequently you will notice that zoo keepers often enter restricted areas and animal enclosures. Please note what we are carrying, if we hold anything at all, before making the judgment and following statement that 'he/she's going to feed them!' In my personal case bird of prey do not eat gravel, vegetation, scat, screwdrivers, buckets, water, jackets, microphones, chip wood, sand or anything else apart from meat. If we honestly fed our animals every time someone told us that we were, we would have either very obese or very dead specimens.

13. Our animals are on specialist diets, they are monitored and weighed every day so we can honestly assure you that your ice cream is not going to help. Do not ignore the 'do not feed' signs no matter how much you feel the need to share, this also includes plants next to signs stating 'do not pick our plants', bits of string, plastic bags or similar stupid items. The only thing we will tolerate is the feeding of fingers or children to the more dangerous animals.

14. Further to 12, all public feeds are on the back of your map, if it isn't listed, you won't see it.

15. You have been given a map, use it.

16. The vultures only eat dead, rotten meat, they will not eat me. I am neither crazy nor brave to be in their aviary.

17. When being addressed for example in a public encounter with an animal it is polite to stop talking and listen to what the nice zoo keeper has to say so he or she may share an animal experience with you, one you probably will not forget. Do not ignore them and continue talking. While on the subject of being polite refer back to 1.

18. When you observe a zoo keeper outside of an enclosure or restricted area do not 'follow them'. You will not have a different or more special experience than any other member of the public who visits, refer back to 14 should you feel confused over this matter.

19. Do not allow the asking of stupid questions such as 'why are you cleaning?' In addition if your idiot child is known for making pointless, irrelevant or plain annoying statements then please do not allow this offspring to communicate. Please refer to the case study of asking a group what parrots may like to eat. The answer is not I UMM THINK I UMM SAW A SHARK ON TV ONCE. This is just for the sake of attention and should be punished with fire.

Finally I have saved the best till last:

20. If you see a zoo keeper cleaning an enclosure do not suggest 'that is a funny looking species' or ask 'what species is that?' This is not big, not clever, not funny, not well thought out, not amusing and definately not original.

I hope that this is helpful and will result in a much more pleasurable zoo visit.

Yours sincerely

A Zookeeper

Hey all, new here. Right to business.



"Hey, look at the size of that Penguin down there!"

Congratulations, sir. You are the first person in the history of this zoo, nay, of all zoos, all the way back to the ancient Greeks, to have come up with that gem. Yes, I am standing in the drained penguin pond, how wonderful that enough of the synapses in your brain fired off to let you realize that. Your reward is you get to go play with the Cinereous vultures.



This one surprised even the curator and the senior keeper who had been working there for almost twenty years:

Woman, what the hell were you doing with that food plate?! I walked away for all of a minute, thinking it'd be okay to leave the food plates out on my cart while I put some dishes in the sink. How wrong I was. What possessed to you to grab a plate of passerine diet off my cart, and go show it to your friends?

Ugh. People.