anxiety and always changing my phone #
Ive got so many issues lately its not even funny. I just feel so alone all the time. Ive never truly belonged anywhere. I was always pretty much strange,I grew up in this clicky neighborhood where you had to act a certain snobby way. Your parents had to know one another and if you came from parents who werent "in"with the neighborhoods you werent with it. Granted,it was a working class neighborhood,mostly Irish catholic but still..i never belonged. It started around 8th grade when i started getting ignored. It wasnt because i was dorky or whatever,i just wasnt that type. 
Highschool was the same. I got majorly involved in track/crosscountry and was a freak about it. I had no friends outside of my teammates,who i didnt hang out with aside from meets and practice. I was an extreme healthnut and worked out. I was all state all thru highschool,whereas my sister was in with the druggies and "bad kids"(shes 3yrs older tho)
So,i never had highschool friends. Then i met Juan,my mexican first boyfriend.It was a pure innocent love,but my parents didnt exactly approve. Granted,i may pass off as hispanic,im mostly Italian and my father acts like that stereotypical over bearing stick w your own kind ways.
Well,Juan and I dated till I was 20,i moved to florida to go to community college and stayed w my sister. that was the year of my life,had so much fun.
Juan and i eventually broke up. When i moved back,I met Jose my portuguese ex who was a criminal and drug dealer. I seriously loved him but he was like this danger. My parents eventually found out when i was visiting him at boot camp(and this was when i was going to College,you can only imagine now looking back on it I have such esteem issues)
Well Jose and I dated from when i was 20 all the way till when i was almost 25. It was on/off. He in the meantime *a year after he got out* cheated on me and i eventually met the girl. It was devastating because I had been thru so much w him...it broke my heart.
So singel for 9months then got back w him. During that time,I went back into my binge eating ways and gained some,then lost some. After being single,Jose contacted me and we started dating again. Well, almost a year into it,i get pregnant. He was very verbally abusive by the way and just had mood swings,always yelling cus he wanted for us to live together but i never could because i was living at home,my parents would disown me.
So,i was pregnant(age 24) i know that seems old,but i was also bleeding and was scared(at 2 1/2 months) since i was at home,my mom was scared and we went to the hospital. They found me pregnant and i had to tell my mom. She eventually that day suspected it was Jose's and was extremely angry telling me if he was the father,she would never give me a dime...
So i hid it,but made plans to get an abortion,she was all for it, although i was having doubts. I had gone to Jose's the following day,only to overhear him on the phone with the same girl he had cheated on me with like 2years earlier(the one i met) He seemed to be extremely emotional(angry,but still)on the phone with her and told me not to worry about it...i ended up crying bc i had quit my job the day before out of panic and i had gone there for some kind of comfort from him,even hoping to keep the child...
I ended up leaving his apartment,the following day i got the operation(although he was against it or so it seemed)
So afterwards,we didnt speak for a month...i moved into a small studio apartment and my mom actually helped me with rent. I had no job and no life. I also binged more even tho it didnt ever exactly get high i was depressed tho. So,i then had some dumb fling with a younger boy,ghetto,but it helped. Jose and i still messed around like 1x a week or every 2wks. He kind of stopped answering my calls,etc.but we still talked. So then i meet mohammad from Jordan,very attractive,but lives at home has a dumb job. Hed only come over after midnight and wed always be drinking. I had no job that entire year,just 2months at one place. I only left the apt to workout or get food. thats it. so,moe and i saw eachother for almost a year,then around june last year,i got fed up. His english was bad,he was hiding me from his dad(but then so was i but still,his culture is so different from mine,religion,ideas of women etc,i just kind of always felt...disrespected or something,just...i dont know,i never have known.so i changed my number on him after talking to a guy i met that i found real interesting(but that "bad boy" that im attracted to and vice versa),we really connected and i felt like i could really get attached to him,but freaked out at the night before our second date was supposed to be and decided to just change my number on everyone,,,i wasjust scared)then,the entire summer went by,i had to move out of the studio and in with my sister,i was depressed and constantly binging on and off and went from like 115lbs to 127 or so, and it felt just off.tjen i got a job and somewhat of a schedule and started loosing weight and going out and called moe and started dating him AGAIN even tho i know it was nt a good idea but i was bored...well a whole year went by and nothing has changed, he still hardly sees me, hes slightly disrespectful,he lives with his cousins and recently told me he wants to live w me*but in a 3bed apartment w his cousins. I am attached to him,but at the same time,hes never bought me anything,admitted to cheating on me once,i feel also paranoid about my body around him.i ve never really had that before as bad w someone else. Im right now in florida at my moms binging away its my 8th day on a binge,and although im still talking to moe, i seriously just have major anxiety and doubts towards him. Ive also been getting text messages from my ex, like sickingly sick ones. and its just making me so regretfful and depressed about my life. I have a myspace page and both of them are on my friends list along wiht my ex''s little girl friend which they broke up a few months ago but she had been writing me on myspace awhile back.like they were together this whole past year he stopped talking to me. i just really truly am in a rut. im not so sure but i feel like changin my phone number again on everyone in my life,and deleting my myspace page....maybe starting a whole new life...but im scared....im not sure if it would be a mistake or not, i mean moes always putting me on hold when we are on teh phone. he tells me he loves mebut at the same time im afraid ill get pregnant again, i know this relationship wont work anyway, and i dont want jose to know about me,its better just left a mystery, i have a girlfriend too that recently got my number again,but she had just disappeared from me as well....she too has put me on hold and ive only talked to her several times(and its been like2yrs) i just really dont even want to live like the old me,i want to forget my past.....
This leaves me to the point in my life now...questioning and contemplating