Zartan ([info]zartan) wrote in [info]pacific_novelty,
@ 2008-04-09 14:23:00
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9 April 2008 : Online Petition
There's currently a lot of buzz going around the zero-attention-span channels of the Internet about a comment Uwe Boll made in a recent interview:
Are you aware that there is a petition online, signed by 18,000 people, requesting that you stop making movies?

Yeah, I know that. 18,000 is not enough to convince me.

How many would it take?

One million. Now we have a new goal.

Predictably, The Internet has attempted to rise to this challenge; at this writing, the petition has 142,315 signatures.

This is bullshit, people. The Internet doesn't know when a horse is dead; the Internet is too fucking stupid to realize that the new Uwe Boll—the deliberately ridiculous, self-consciously shit-stirring Uwe Boll—is far more entertaining and valuable than the eager-to-please puppydog they kicked around for four or five years. I've actually come to genuinely like Uwe Boll. I've never seen one of his movies, mind you, but the things he's saying and doing now that he simply doesn't give a shit about being liked are fantastic.

If you really want to stop a Hollywood name worth stopping, I've got a petition for you.

Eddie Murphy needs to retire.

I wrote some stupid filler text to go with the petition itself, so I won't copy-paste it here. I'm just going to let the box covers, the Rotten Tomatoes rating (for this is how things are Done online, whether I like it or not), and your own memories of these terrible fucking movies and their omnipresent marketing campaigns speak for themselves.


Vampire in Brooklyn
11%



The Nutty Professor and The Nutty Professor 2
64% and 24%



Dr. Dolittle and Dr. Dolittle 2
42% and 40%



Holy Man
10%



The Seemingly Endless Series of Shrek Films and Merchandise
89%, 89%, and 42%



I Spy
16%



Daddy Day Care
29%



The Adventures of Pluto Nash
6%



The Haunted Mansion
14%



Norbit
9%



Showtime
24%



Meet Dave
Unreleased, but just look at the fucking thing



Pacific Novelty rests its case.

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[info]emmaone
2008-04-09 07:58 pm UTC (link)
I wonder how it feels to be that guy who is quoted on Norbit's cover as calling that same movie HYSTERICALLY FUNNY. I wonder if he has kids, if they are embarrassed for him -- or will be, when they're older.

I completely agree with your assessment of the Uwe Boll petition for exactly the same reasons, and I also have not seen an Uwe Boll film, I don't think. That's more because I haven't had anyone else who loves bad movies and getting drunk nearly as much as I do around as of late than because of any particular anti-Boll prejudice.

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[info]zartan
2008-04-09 08:06 pm UTC (link)
All I know is this: when I misbehaved as a little kid, my mother would threaten to come and sing Taco's "Puttin' on the Ritz" before the entire assembled student body of my elementary school. Being a dumb little kid, I found this threat completely convincing; just imagining the mortification was enough to send a very real chill down my spine. This trick worked for about a year or so, if I remember correctly.

I would think that having my mother or father's name on the cover and promotional materials for Norbit would be even worse than that.

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[info]emmaone
2008-04-09 08:21 pm UTC (link)
He has brought great shame upon his family. His mother probably held her head in her hands the day she saw that horrifying poster.

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[info]zartan
2008-04-09 08:24 pm UTC (link)
I bet you the Venn diagram of "people who found Norbit hysterically funny" and "people who live all alone" looks like a big ol' nipple.

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[info]emmaone
2008-04-09 08:37 pm UTC (link)
HA!

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[info]syntheticjesso
2008-04-09 08:08 pm UTC (link)
AGREED.

I really liked Shrek 1 & 2 (haven't seen 3), except for Donkey. Do not like Donkey.

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[info]zartan
2008-04-09 08:20 pm UTC (link)
Google sez:

Results 1 - 10 of about 14,500 for "diminishing returns" shrek. (0.27 seconds)

* * *

Donkey is a pretty solid indictment of a lot of what's intolerable about the current state of children's entertainment, to wit: HEY HEY BRAPPITA FLAPPITA MY BIG DUMB SASS MOUTH.

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[info]ahamster
2008-04-09 10:18 pm UTC (link)
ANNOUNCED: SHREK GOES FOURTH

An orphan's curse would drag to hell
A spirit from on high;
But oh! more horrible than that
Is that another sequel should draw nigh!

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[info]zartan
2008-04-10 04:10 am UTC (link)
PROJECTED: THEY'RE IS A SHREK IN THERE HOUSE OVER THEIR

Admission: 1 kan of pre-war food or 60ty bullits

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[info]ahamster
2008-04-09 10:04 pm UTC (link)
I clicked on the cut thinking please say Michael Bay please say Michael Bay, but this is EVEN BETTER.

Eddie Murphy could be effectively retired were he to be forbidden from taking roles that 1) could be described in one word: "wisecracking", 2) require him to put on a fatsuit, 3) are part of a family-friendly movie, and 3a) require him to play the entire family in a family-friendly movie.

I like to think there is a massive clock out there somewhere, and when that clock strikes midnight all of Eddie Murphy's DVDs will turn back into Raw.

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[info]meansteve
2008-04-09 10:06 pm UTC (link)
http://www.wired.com/wired/archive/14.12/ragingboll.html

This is the best thing I've ever read. Uwe Boll punched out Lowtax and some fag from AICN (not Moriarty >:C )

I own Alone in the Dark, Bloodrayne and House of the Dead. They're such wonderful crap. Uwe Boll is my hero, my idol. I really do look up to the man. He makes bad movies, his name is a household word (uh, among internet-connected miserable nerds), has millions of dollars and bangs bikini models. Only a complete prick wouldn't want to be just like him.

God willing, some day, annoying, crass internet nerds will be hating me as much as they hate him, and it'll be the best thing I can imagine happening to me.

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[info]zartan
2008-04-10 04:16 am UTC (link)
See, I think it would be a total gas to meet up with Boll in some roadside diner, have a greasy meal, hit a liquor store, do shots in the parking lot, and then gatecrash a nerd convention and just start kicking asses.

Man just imagine the scene rendered in stop-motion clay animation: Boll takes out Harry Knowles' bodyguards by hitting them in their fat flappity mouths with a fire extinguisher while I push Knowles' wheelchair down the "up" escalator so that his face lands right on the mechanized bit at the bottom and the layers and layers of fat get the Play-Doh Fun Factory treatment

okay maybe I've been drinking

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[info]computolio
2008-04-10 01:24 am UTC (link)
Having seen only House Of The Dead, I can say that I'd rather sit through all of Uwe Boll's movies back to back than watch any of that garbage.

I mean, for one thing they'd actually be funny.

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[info]zartan
2008-04-10 04:08 am UTC (link)
I have it on good authority that watching an Uwe Boll DVD with the commentary track enabled is just as entertaining as R. Kelly's "Kells' Commentary Remix" on the Trapped in the Closet DVD, and heaven knows that is a work of fucking majesty.

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[info]stupidoptimist
2008-04-10 06:59 pm UTC (link)
oh my god rent house of the dead and watch it with commentary right now

includes:
- boll talking about how good an actress is because she agreed to be topless.
- boll speaking drunkenly in incomprehensible pseudo-german.
- boll forgetting that he put a scene in the movie and admitting such when he's unable to provide commentary on it.

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[info]thenewmeat
2008-04-10 02:50 am UTC (link)
I am amused that eddie murphy only has one expression and it seems to be "smug confusion."

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[info]zartan
2008-04-10 04:11 am UTC (link)
If you shaved his eyebrows and ironed his forehead, he could have played any of the female roles in The Virgin Suicides.

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[info]zoom_gas
2008-04-10 05:23 am UTC (link)
Eddie Murphy the movie
Starring Eddie Murphy as everyone

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[info]zartan
2008-04-11 09:20 pm UTC (link)
If you want a vision of the future, imagine Eddie Murphy's boot farting on Eddie Murphy's face—forever. Oh no you didn't!

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[info]transfestunerix
2008-04-10 06:34 am UTC (link)

I only sign petitions endorsed by friendly frogs.

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[info]zartan
2008-04-11 09:23 pm UTC (link)


IT ALL COMES FULL CIRCLE

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[info]transfestunerix
2008-05-25 08:39 pm UTC (link)
I've seen dolls of that thing in Big Y, a supermarket in my very own town of Madison, Connecticut. And naturally that gets a rather big why from me. Ah, ha, ehhh.

In other news, I've just now in May 2008 noticed that Norbit is the only apparent screen appearance(s) by Edward in which he at no point has a mustache. I wonder if anybody else noticed that a year-and-a-half ago and thought it was a promising sign of things to come, and now remembers thinking that.

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[info]grunzen
2008-04-11 07:17 pm UTC (link)
Shrek was OK and The Nutty Professor was funny (it even had Dave Chappelle). Harlem Nights was fine, and Norbit was funnier than I'd have expected. Some of those other movies are terrible, though.

I've seen House of the Dead and while it was hilarious, it was also probably worse than anything Eddie Murphy has done. He also physically beats up critics in boxing matches, which is kind of extreme.

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[info]zartan
2008-04-11 09:26 pm UTC (link)
I've seen some strange things in the course of my research, but damn, dude: you just defended Norbit

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[info]griphus
2008-04-12 05:12 am UTC (link)
Wow, dear god does it look like he's getting raped by the Flash's version of Bat-Mite in the Daddy Daycare poster.

One of my co-workers has the Showtime poster up in her office. I have no idea why. But I guess it compliments the inexplicable Joe Somebody poster on the other floor.

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[info]saiyajin71
2008-04-13 03:26 pm UTC (link)
Robert Deniro is facing the same problem. :( Once great, legendary actors... now doing mediocre roles in low budget, crappy films. :(

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