Overheard in London

On the bus
Girl: Yes, I saw Mean Girls, it was great. But what is it with the 3 million rip-offs they make every year? Why do they do that?
Friend: Because it sells. It's easy, and it sells. Besides, you wanted to see Angus Thongs*, didn't you?
Girl: Yes, but it was called Angus Thongs! I'd see a million movies if they called them Angus Thongs! It's brilliant!
Friend: ...
Girl: What?
Friend: I am so ashamed of you.

On the tube
Announcer: This is the next train to Plystow... or Plarstow. As you prefer, really. It's going there anyway. Alright, mind the doors, ladies and gentlemen, mind the doors... Or wait for the driver. He'll be ready in a minute. Yep, there we go. Mind the doors.
(he was still rambling as we pulled out of the station)

*Angus, Thongs, and Perfect Snogging, released this summer

Hear last night, at Euston on my way home (in regard to the Northern Line):

"I just don't understand where there needs to be two lines.."



Um, because they go different places?!

Not seen anything posted here for a while, thought I'd recount what happened on my journey to work the other day. I go in after the worst of the rush, and I got the last seat near a group of about 10 well-behaved young girls and their teacher. Some of them were chatting quietly or playing clapping games, one was knitting. At the next stop, three blokes in suits got on, talking about business guff at full volume, oblivious to being glowered at by people all over the carriage who really didn't care about whatever deal they'd just sealed.
The girl with the knitting looked up at them and said "INDOOR VOICES!" and went back to her knitting. The men shut up, and there were several muted sniggers.
"That was very precocious." The teacher said.
"Yes, keep it up" someone muttered.

After a 5 minute wait for doors to shut on tube, driver makes an announcement:

"For those who have just joined us, we've been slightly held up by a passenger emergency alarm being activated in one of the rear carrages, as one passenger was unfortuntely taken ill. Just so you know, she has now been thrown out and thoroughly beaten up for making you all wait here unnecessarily. For consideration to others, if anyone else feels like passing out, could you please try and hold on until we get to Stratford. Thanks."


Overheard by Rob, Waiting at Canada Water, Jubilee Line just after midnight.

Overheard on a bus in Lewisham. An elderly lady is talking to an elderly gentleman acquaintance, who she has met by chance. They are discussing the cheap Christmas decorations she has just bought:

"And see, you get three for 99p and my granddaughter has a little Christmas tree in her bedroom and so I got her three packets with different designs. Because at 99p that works out at about 33p each, which is a bargain isn't it? So I got her three of those and then I went to the pet shop and bought a frozen rat for my snake. Oh, I've had him about fifteen years, I didn't know snakes could live that long! He's only about six feet long; I share him with my downstairs neighbour after he escaped and she found him in her washing machine."

It's true, geriatrics are the new adolescents.

Overheard in Tooting - two girls talking about some party or other. Secondary education is clearly being put to good use.

"So who did you get off with?"
"I'll give you a clue. His name ends in a D."
"Gerald!"
"Gerald doesn't have a D in it, you moron."
"...Oh yeah..."

I couldn't help feeling slightly disconcerted when the girl sitting next to me on the no.9 bus last night came up with this little vignette, in the middle of a pleasant conversation I'd been enjoying listening-in on:

"Yeah...I was in Itsu, the Sushi bar where that Russian guy got poisoned on the day that it happened. And I've been feeling really ill ever since...I hope I'm not contagious"

Anyone else overheard anything relating to this case? It's so bizarre it's bound to throw up a few.

While watching firemen put out this fire, three youths approach a policeman...

Policeman: Shouldn't you lot be in school?
Youth: Nah, I go to college innit?
Policeman: Actually, it's 'I go to college, don't I'? We know you go 'in it'.

Finally, people standing up for the English language!

"The Central Line is quite fast, though?"

"Yeah, one every two minutes. And that's real minutes, not Northern Line minutes."


Overheard by Max, In the office just after rush hour

"Alan Cummings' cheese landed on my shoe. I'm just sayin', is all."

Excited American girl @ the Trafalgar Studios following a performance of the excellent(ly scarring) Bent

A young mother to her daughter, perhaps five years old, who dared to venture more than an arm's lenght away from her:

"Morgan! COME HERE! Do you remember that film we watched about perverts? Now hold my hand!"


Overheard by Anonymous, Clapham Common post office

A drunken young woman stumbles onto a Northern Line train with a group of her friends. Taking a moment to compose herself, she stands up straight, squares her shoulders, points to a man sitting in the middle of the carriage and announces in a loud voice:

'THAT man... is a lesbian! (*whispered*) Look, you can see it in his eyes!'


Overheard by Paul, Leicester Square Tube station

As heard over the intercom as the (soutbound Jubilee line) train pulled in to Westminster station last night:

"I don't wee in your house, so you don't wee in my station"






I nearly wet myself laughing.

Two quotes for you, both from the mean streets of West London.

‘What’s the webpage for the internet, again?’ - A young boy to his mother

‘It’s about fifty-fifty. No, wait, not that, it’s the other way round!’ - An exasperated cashier to a friend.

Confused looking couple in Lakeside, Anne Summers.

Boyfriend: (reads a DVD title out loud) British Dodging? What?
Girlfriend: British Dogging... stupid.

At 1.30am on Sunday, on the silent upper deck of the night bus, going through Camden.

Totally out of the blue, a bloke turns to his friend and says:

"You know what I just realised? I really don't like people."

His mate shrugs and goes back to staring out the window.

Ye Olde Cheshire Cheese, Fleet Street.

(Monday 21^st August, 2006, around 7pm).

On an adjacent table, in the corridor between the two bars, a young woman from Detroit describes her exposure to French culture:

 “....and we bought cheese burgers from Mac Donald’s in Paris, to take with us on our Normandy expedition.”

"Ladies and gentlemen, please move towards the the front of the train, as the front three coaches of this train are almost empty. There is plenty of room at the front of the train. Believe it or not, there are actually seats in the front three coaches."
- tube driver, victoria line northbound, Victoria station, around 9:45 this morning.

"What the hell are burnt ends and pulled pork?"
"No idea, that's why I ordered 'em."
- two blokes sharing my table in Bordeans smokehouse this lunchtime.

This one cracked me up last week.

It happened at Pret a Manger / Holborn area
Scene: Woman obviously shopping for a meeting or a group of people as she had 15+ sandwiches, crisps and brownies - she's bundling all the items onto the counter.

Server: Eat in or take away?
Woman: What do you think?
Server: Well, you are a little on the large side.
Woman then tuts and walks out.

This morning the train into work was fairly quiet. Unusually, nobody really wound me up so I didn't bother putting on my iPod. The woman I was sitting next to wouldn't move her bag, so I only had half a seat, and the little old lady sat opposite me tutted every time someone nearly touched her trying to get to or from a seat further up the carriage, (of course moving to the vacant window seat next to her was out of the question) but generally, all quiet.
Then we pulled in and the little old lady suddenly announced loudly, "Thank GOODNESS! Never have I had the misfortune to listen to so much drivel from two such illiterates!" I have to assume she was talking about two teenage girls behind her who were obviously much quieter than usual because I have no idea what they were talking about or if she even meant them.
A lad on his own, looked about twenty, walked upto the little old lady and said "Young woman, did your mother never tell you that if you can't say anything nice you shouldn't say anything at all?" and flounced off the train.