carnivalnights

i. I realize I have been completely absent from LiveJournal for over a month now. Well, I only just realized this recently. I thought it had only been a few weeks. A few people have contacted me to ask why I have disappeared and I apologize to those who were wondering. I have been really busy lately with my job (er, temp work) and there has been an excess of drama in my life recently as well (when is there not?). I have been trying to enjoy summer but some people and companies have been trying to take that away. Regardless, I am really going to try to write more often.

ii. I have been temping at the same place since mid-March. I applied for the full time position back in April because they had two open positions, and I just heard back Friday that I did not get the job. Apparently they had known quite a few weeks too. So here I am working like a slave, hoping I get this job, meanwhile they had already chosen two people and not said anything. The worst part is, they made me feel like I had a really good chance. They said my interview was great, they were impressed with my testing results (you had to go computer-related testing with spelling, reading, typing and Word), and my supervisor has called me into her office several times to tell me what a great job I am doing and how great it is that I pick up on new things so quickly.

I was really, really, really upset. It is not like I love it there and it is not my dream job, but again, this job would have gotten me out of my house, out of debt, and it was manageable. I do like a lot of aspects of it and I do like some of the people. It had really, really good pay, really good benefits, and best of all, it would have been secure. There is no chance in hell this huge company would have gone under like the last one. The tears welled in my eyes on and off for hours, and finally, I marched into my supervisor's office and asked to speak to her. I told her that this keeps happening to me, over and over. I get nothing but positive feedback from all the employers I have worked for, and still I have no job. I know I am capable, I know I am a hard worker, and I know I could do any job I put my mind to. My self-esteem is not so great as a whole, but in the workforce, I am confident in what I can do if given the chance and I know my work ethic is great. My academic attitude transferred right into my workplace attitude. Even my supervision says "it shows" that I was academically successful and studious in school. She also says she can see I am my own person and stand out in a crowd, which was sweet of her.

In interviews, they say I was great but they chose someone else. If I am so "great," why do I not have a permanent job? Do people think I can just be a permanent temp for the rest of my life and survive off the crappy pay (since I get jobs through an agency and they take a huge cut) without benefits? I have not been to the dentist in a year because of this garbage! Anyway, my supervisor is honest and so I asked her to give me some constructive criticism. I asked her to just tell me anything, anything that could possibly be stopping me from getting jobs. Anything I did wrong in the interview, anything I do wrong at work. Because someone is not telling me something. I am not perfect, but all I ever hear is how amazing I am as an employee, how good my work ethic is, how diligent I am, etc. If all that is true, there must be something else, something else putting every single potential employer off, in interviews or in my resume. I cannot go on being told I do not have enough experience because now I do. I have been working for a year straight and have tons of experience in different industries, I have my summer work experience, and I have experience running my own small business. I cannot possibly be told now, after all this, that I still do not have enough experience--so what will their excuse be now? My supervisor said she would get back to me after doing some thinking. She said she appreciated my initiative and that I did the right thing by coming to her. Now, to prepare myself for hearing some possibly negative things...

I keep thinking back to when I was really, really desperate without any work at all. I was so determined. I wish I had videotaped my struggle. I remember going all over Toronto every week, having interview after interview with recruiting agencies. The endless resumes and cover letters I sent off, all the job sites I signed up for. I remember going back and forth on the bus to see this man who I thought had a web design job for me... and after all that I did for him, including giving him prices, getting his colour choices and outlining what I could do for him, he decided not to hire me in the end because his company was 'not ready for it yet.' Like, I have been doing everything I can. And I keep thinking back to this time a handful of months ago where I was obviously showing the world that I do not give up. And over the past few months, I have done nothing but work really, really hard, taking notes during any training I have received, making sure I do my job RIGHT and EFFICIENTLY, making sure I am covering all of my bases and helping anyone else out that I can. I have never stopped, I have never given up. And it makes me really, really sad that my determination in life--including the five years in university and the years in school before that--has never paid off. I have shown a great deal of ambition even in spite of horrible things that have happened to me, both personal and professional. I was back temping again within a few days after getting laid off in the winter, even though I was so devastated that all I wanted to do was stay in bed. WHEN will all of this hard work pay off? WHEN? And when will all this determination pay off? I have never given up! I have gotten discouraged but still never given up, so where is my reward?

iii. I was kicked out the other day by my domain host, Netrillium. Apparently my site(s) kept crashing their server. Instead of telling me the error messages on their end, providing me with any sort of details or giving me any time to look into the issue, they just told me to get out. The spouted a bunch of technical mumbo jumbo I could not comprehend because I could not see what they were talking about and told me sure, they would help me, for $80/hour. They suspended my account, without notice, and when I approached them and asked why, they were rude, inconsiderate, accusatory and totally unprofessional. Less than 24 hours later, I received a message from them accusing me of "blatantly ignoring the seriousness of the issue" even though I flat out said I was posting on some forums to see if anyone could help me figure the issue out. They even accused me of making them lose clients, which is odd because with all of the downtime, poor customer service and hacking/spam due to their insecure servers, they are quite capable of losing clients all on their own. Then they decided they were not going to put my site back online for me to download things before I moved to my new host, holding my site content hostage. They gave me a domain backup later but I have yet to find out if it contains everything and works properly. Right now my new host says they are trying to restore it but I do not see any content yet, so that scares me.

Just a tip, webmasters... do not ever do business with Netrillium. And if you are with them, get the hell out. They are the worst hosting company I have ever been with and it has been one problem after the next. The only reason I had not moved from them earlier is because I was tracking the experiences of other people and their hosts over the past while, trying to decide which one to go with. I did not want to make the same mistake twice. Anyway, I ended up going with a host called Holdfire. We will see. If I have to move again, I will likely go with Dreamhost because they were my runner-up choice. Time will tell, I guess. I am furious with Netrillium though. To just give a customer no notice, take their site down and tell them to get out is totally unprofessional. And then accusing me of losing their clients?! Wow. So yes, all of my domains will be down until further notice. The process will take a week or two, I am estimating.

iv. Recently, a few people I had no problem trusting before have betrayed me. I generally try to keep a positive attitude about people, especially new people because everyone deserves a chance to prove they are worthy and loyal friends. But honestly, I am getting to the point where the only person I trust is myself. In the end, I guess you are the only person you can truly trust... but you should be able to trust, to some degree, close friends, partners or family members. I recently got into a big tiff with my aunt and she said some things that made me realize we are no longer close and she no longer knows anything about me, who I am or what I stand for. She said things that indicate she does not like my personality (just like my father a couple of months ago) or agree with how I handle my relationship with my father (by giving him far more credit than he deserves, proving she has no idea what goes on in my house while she is not here). It gives me a real sinking feeling to know I cannot even trust my own family to take my word, understand where I am coming from, or just be supportive when I need them most. Sean is well aware that my family is toxic to be around. He says he can tell they purposely try and aggravate each other and cause drama. And they do. I am not perfect either, but I do not sit there pointing out everyone's flaws around the dinner table, storming out when someone says something I do not like, making them feel like crap when they make a big life decision. When I got my first job out of university, all my aunt could do was say how crappy the pay was, how unfair it was I did not get benefits, and how 'fishy' it all seemed. No "congratulations" ever left her mouth. Same with my father. What kind of family is that? Forget celebrating--they would rather be negative assholes.

My family likes to tear me down. My father does it, my aunt does it, my uncle did it when he was alive, and even my grandmother just does not understand me sometimes or see where I am coming from. I have nothing in common with these people. Nothing but DNA. I have just come to the conclusion that it is better I stay away from them most often than not. Every time I come home from a family dinner, I am depressed for one reason or another. My family nit-picks everything about me... my hair, my clothes, my make-up. "You shouldn't wear this, you shouldn't do that." Like I'm still ten. They just make me feel like crap about my decisions and choices in life, and I am even informing my boyfriend that he cannot make me feel that way anymore either. So I think I am better off not having a lot of contact with them, and so far it has been successful. I would rather not be involved with their drama anymore, so I do not call and I have not gone to a lot of family dinners over the past few months. I thought family was supposed to be the only thing anyone could depend on, but mine is like the opposite. Most of them have now said to me they do not want to hear anything about my father, including my aunt. She has wiped her hands clean of the situation and says my grandma is sick of it too, so from now on, I am not allowed to tell them about any issue I am having with my father at all. How nice.

v. Anyway, those are the big things going on right now. I have no idea where to go from here. I am going to leave my job as soon as possible because there is no future for me there. They are not hiring anyone else for the position any time soon; they told me that in the interview. So more job hunting. Yet again. *shakes head* You know, I honestly feel sometimes like I will NEVER get out of this rut. It feels indefinite... I know two temps are being let go at the end of summer, so I need to work fast. I have less than two months to find another job. That is really scary. God. I hate this.