silver's good enough for me (![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} stellawuzadiver) wrote in ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/community.gif){kind=small} ohnotheydidnt,@ 2009-10-09 19:19:00 |
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| Current music: | 'Cause we all have wings, but some of us don't know why-y-y-y-y-y-y |
| Entry tags: | blind item |
Party on, ONTD
Blind Vice: Big-Butt Wedding Woes!
Let's get something straight right now: Yes, I often write Blind Vices that are fairly obvious; this one isn't. That's a pretty big clue. And so, too, is Slink-a-Rella Jiggle's rear end.
See, it's the main thing that got her beautifully bodied man, Dumbo Pecs, to ask her to marry him (her boobs sure didn't hurt, either). Well, that and the fact that Slink-a-Rella wasn't exactly actually Dumbo's first choice to be his wife. So Pec thought, Well, I do like Slinky's big ol' bottom, so why the hell not give this a try, huh?
Aren't men funny? They make life decisions based on the most interesting things, like the notion that Dumbo also felt marriage to Slinky would help his career, which is the most stupidass thing I've ever heard.
What Dumbo wasn't really paying attention to (since he's not really great about heeding the advice of those he pays to give it to him) was the unavoidable fact that his career was doing, uh, doing quite nicely before he ever met Ms. Jiggle. And if anything, Dumbo's marriage to Slink-a-Rella has stalled his pro job, if only a bit.
Will Dumbo's day gig continue to sorta meander along, you think, until this kind of weirdo marriage of his suddenly busts up, as most of his friends think it will? And pretty messily, at that. Hard to say. And besides, a good pair of butt cheeks is hard to find in this town of starved women, so can't say I blame Mr. Pecs all that much.
And it Ain't: Beyoncé & Jay-Z, Kendra Wilkinson & Hank Baskett, Mariah Carey & Nick Cannon
1
Dear Ted:
I know you have said all your posts should be reviewed and dissected carefully as you use "hidden" meanings in your wording and "clues" are given in the way you use certain catchphrases, highlighted words and abbreviations. Does this also apply to the photos you use? And are you really that crafty?
—Ann
Dear Sneak Attack:
Of course I'm that crafty, babe! You have to be to survive in this biz. There were no clues to Toothy Tile or any other Vice victims in this answer, BTW.
-----
Dear Ted:
I have a few celebs who I think could be Topher Hairy-Tuchus. To narrow them down I need to ask a few more questions. Is Topher black or white? If he's white is he a blue-eyed blond or brown-eyed blond? Or if his hair is black and his eyes are blue or brown or green? Is Topher a child star who is now an adult? Did he ever model? I'm not asking you for too many specifics because I like the guessing. I'm just saying help me narrow it down.
—Forever a Fan
Dear Holy Hell:
Those specifics made me, and Topher, squirm. I'll give you the first one—he's white.
-----
Dear Ted:
Did Austin Nichols kiss a girl (Sophia Bush) and actually like it?
—Teddy bear
Dear Funny One:
Not as much as Katy Perry, probably.
-----
Dear Ted:
Will Dashed Dingle-Dream ever get his own BV? Or is his whole relationship with Judas Jack-Off gone so boringly one-track that there's no reason for you to write BV about him?
—Plight
Dear Don't Forget the Little People:
You don't see Grey Goose getting his own star on the Blind Vice walk of infamy, do you?
-----
Dear Ted:
Ted, I never see the Jolie-Pitt kids smile. With all the thousands of pictures out there, there should be one smile! Is there something behind the sad faces or are they just not photogenic? Second question, is Vince Vaughn's engagement for real? Or will it end soon?
—dede in dallas
Dear One Degree of Aniston:
Some of the kids look happy...when they are out with Poppa Pitt. As for your second question—surely you've been reading this blolum for long enough to know the answer to that.
-----
Dear Ted:
My question is in regards to the cast of Glee. I am really digging this show and was wondering if you had heard any good gossip regarding any of the major players? Are they as squeaky clean as they seem?
—Total Gleek
Dear Newbies:
Things are never as they appear, hon-cakes. Never.
-----
Dear Ted:
Surely you haven't flown all the way up to Vancouver just to bring us some Robsten news, right? Come on, Ted, we seriously need some scoop about that other hot pairing living and working in Van you recently named Jackles. So what's the word on the streets of Vancouver about those two boys? I'm sure just like Robsten they have to dine out somewhere sometimes or do other everyday stuff. So anything you heard while you were up in beautiful Van?
—Nic
Dear Supernatural Dudes:
Sorry, Jensen Ackles and Jared Padalecki aren't as coveted a pair as Robsten to restaurant owners up in V-town. Maybe because they aren't on every damn gossip rag cover in the nation? I can think of a few ways they could change their status from cult fave to front page very quickly...
-----
Dear Ted:
In all honesty, finding out that David Letterman has had relationships with staff members doesn't change my opinion of him. He has always seemed like a decent, intelligent, but shy "nice guy." And, over the years, I have learned this to be true from people who know him (but maybe you think otherwise). However, with all of the articles being written about his recent, foiled extortion plot, I have yet to come across anything that uses the "A" word—as in, affair. Letterman has been with his wife for over 20 years and, although we don't know the dynamics of their relationship, "sexual relationships with employees" suggests he did in fact cheat on her. Are journalists ignoring this fact because it is David Letterman and not, say, David Duchovny? Or is there more to the story than meets the eye (meaning is he the past subject of a B.V.)?
—Helen
Dear Late Night:
Letterman's not a B.V. of mine, but all the nasty whisperings of affairs and cheating are subdued because a) you're right, this David isn't a sex symbol and b) he's got no problem admitting it on national television, which means any probs with the li'l wifey at one point are pretty null and void by now. It's still reprehensible treatment of women, as far as I'm concerned.
-----
Dear Ted:
Thank you for being the best human you can be for speaking up that there's just no excuse for violence. Having said that, I just can't let a day pass by without checking A.T. I heart Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart. Question for you, love, is Jake Gyllenhaal the infamous Nevis Divine?
—Catz
Dear No on Nevis:
Jake's got his own B.V.-worthy secrets to worry about.
-----
Dear Ted:
I am going to guess that Stinky Carrot-Crotch is John Krasinski. C'est vrai?
—Agents
Dear Office Blunder:
No, no, no! John's bedroom ways are saved exclusively for fiancée Emily Blunt. Wrong network.
-----
Dear Ted:
When people wonder why so many Hollywood men are gay, I laugh. How many guys in the high school drama club were straight? Show choir? Exactly.
—Vicky
Dear Not Just Drama:
Guess what—the football team had a load of gays on it, too! So there!
-----
Dear Ted:
I am in love with your column and I really respect your love for animals; it's one of my passions as well. I'm a fairly new reader and I must admit I go to places like Perez Hilton and People for some dirt too, but I know it's not true until I see it in A.T.! I was just wondering what you thought of people like Perez who seem to just say things he thinks might be true? Keep on keepin' on!
—Mary
Dear Dirt Disher:
Mostly he's just doing his job—spreading gossip, whether factual or not. And he's quite the showman, obviously. My only problem with Perez is when he's lifted our stories, but usually he seems pretty quick to amend once we bitch enough.
-----
Dear Ted:
Holy crap! Did you see Perez Hilton actually linked your source to the 30 Rock story? I'm bowled over; I didn't know he knew how to give credit! Love you!
—Bcgraczyk
Dear As I Was Saying:
Exactly.
-----
Dear Ted:
Love you and Team Awful! I love the TV show Bones, and I find David Boreanaz absolutely amazing. I wish I had been in the age range to appreciate Buffy and Angel. Anyway, I was wondering if he's as adorable and as nice of a family man in real life as he seems to be from interviews. Of course, if you are going to burst my bubble about him, maybe I don't want to know! Thanks! Keep up the great gossip work!
-Mallory
Dear Which Is It:
Consider your bubble bursted. Sorry!
-----
Dear Ted:
James Franco is going for unusual relationships, you wrote...One has heard.. that Franco is...ahem! GAY! Do advise if "one" is mistaken...
-Tarquin
Dear Misdirected:
That's a question for James Franco, not me darling.
-----
Dear Ted:
How would you say Jared Padalecki compares to Judas Jack-Off?
-Xo.max
Dear Interesting:
They're both...cute? [Ed: and they've both touched JJO's naughty place within the last week?]
-----
Dear Ted:
Can you give us a little more detail on Angelina Jolie's issues? And why does Brad stay, true love?
-kesurface
Dear Legally, no:
You'll have to refer to the Blind Vices for that.
-----
Dear Ted:
Longtime reader, first-time writer. I think you came close last week...but can you please out Lindsay Lohan already? I'm not even a fan, but the girl looks like death in a can. Her family obviously gives less than two poops about her, outside of how much cash she can bring them (a la Ms. Britney Spears). Not one to judge, but how much of a trainwreck can we bear to watch? Too many funerals already this year. L.L. is still young?if she gives a convincing apology, I'm sure all will be forgiven. The public loves redemption - isn't that why Christ was crucified? And I'm not Christian...just a little smart for a blond girl. BTW, so sorry about your pet loss and split...it's a lot to handle. Many hugs.
-Missmaam
Dear Stretch Comparison:
Lindsay and Christ...are about as opposite as you can get. And yes, I'm thisclose to outing Lohan's Vice because she needs help. Majorly. Right now she's closer to being in the ground than on the road to a comeback.
-----
Dear Ted:
I happen to not agree with the current group-think on the ID of Toothy Tile and Grey Goose; not that I think the current guess is not a good possibility, but the clues don't seem to mesh. Since people on the message boards are doing everything possible to force a fit, I came up with this fantasy scenario: You, Ted, are Grey Goose, and you so desperately want T.T. out of the closet that you publish the B.V.'s, get into an argument with your lovah, and then have amazing makeup sex which gets you through till next time. That would probably make Margo Baby Tile. Yes, I know it's a fantasy, but I hope it gives you a chuckle. XXOO
-Jasmolak
Dear Far-Fetched:
Chuckle indeed! Hope your career involves fictional writing.
-----
Dear Ted:
I don't know if you've been following but on blog sites like Oceanup there's been a lot of talk about a Jonas/Miley Cyrus feud vs. Miley and Nick being Niley only really, really on the down-low. Any thoughts? In my opinion Miley could do better, especially if the "reconnection" was all about publicity. Though it must be hard for Nick to have an ex that is much more successful than he is.
—A
Dear Girl Power:
Trust me, there are many things these tweens want to keep hidden. It just wouldn't be good for their shiny reputations.
-----
Dear Ted:
I've looked around the Net, and I'm amazed that some people still refuse to believe that Judas Jack-Off and Dashed Dingle Dream are...well, you-know-who. I'm not a Blind Vice expert, but this one is as easy as Toothy Tile, right? I know that some people are in serious denial about their crush being gay, but that's really getting ridiculous! Your hints were more like anvils. What more do they need? Even if you posted a big picture of them, they still wouldn't believe it. Sad.
—Captain
Dear Oh Wise One:
Please, enlighten me...who are they?
-----
Dear Ted:
So I've been intrigued by Leonardo DiCaprio since I was in fourth grade. Something about him is so interesting. Can you tell me some of the inside scoop on him? Like if he's been a recent B.V. or if he has any skeletons in the closet. Pretty please with a cherry on top.
—Mobey
Dear Sink or Swim:
Recent? No. Leo is pretty out there with his lady-lovin' self!
-----
Dear Ted:
Any hints you can give on Brad Pitt's B.V.? Do he and Angie share one or are they separate? Kisses!
—Jenn
Dear Bad Brange:
Do you mean in life or in our Vices? They have separate B.V.s, if that's what you mean. But they share just about everything else.
-----
Dear Ted:
What the hell is going on with Lindsay LoLhan, and yes I put that L there on purpose. Her "fashion" show was a complete failure accompanied by negative reviews. Her movies, or shall I say movie, went straight to a TV premiere. And what is up with her appearance these days? Her overplumped lips, frail hair, messy relationship and questionable choice of clothes are not benefiting her whatsoever. Now it seems she's corrupting her little sister, bringing her along to parties and for heaven's sake the girl is only 15! She had a promising career after starring in Freaky Friday and Mean Girls but after that she fell down from the top. Nowadays her actions are questionable. What happened to the healthy, cheery redhead? Did it all end when the crotch shot came in or did it happen way before that?
—Faye
Dear Missing Good Ol' Lohan:
Nowadays? Honey, she's been tumbling down a steep slope for a while. She has to accept the fact that she needs help and we're here for her...even if it means outing her s--t.
Scorecard:
-Crotch Uh-Lastic is not Adam Brody, Christian Bale, Diddy, John Mayer, Josh Hartnett, Kevin Spacey, Matthew Broderick, Matthew McConaughey, Robert Downey Jr., Ryan Gosling, Ryan Philippe, The Rock, Tobey Maguire, Tom Hanks, or Topher Grace.
-Fake à la Ferocity is not Ashley Judd, Ashley Olsen, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Charlize Theron, Claire Danes, Drew Barrymore, Felicity Huffman, Gwyneth Paltrow, Heather Locklear, Jennifer Connolly, Jennifer Garner, Jenna Jameson, Jessica Alba, Jessica Biel, Jessica Simpson, Kate Bosworth, Kate Hudson, Keira Knightley, Kelly Ripa, Kirsten Dunst, Madonna, Mary Kate Olsen, Melanie Griffith, Nicole Richie, Sarah Jessica Parker, Sharon Stone, Victoria Beckham, or Whitney Houston.
-Judas Jack-Off is not Benjamin McKenzie, Bradley Cooper, Brandon Routh, Chace Crawford, Chris Evans, Chris Pine, Ed Westwick, Gale Harold, Jake Gyllenhaal, Jared Padalecki, Joe Jonas, Joshua Jackson, Keanu Reeves, Kellan Lutz, Matt Dallas, Milo Ventimiglia, Orlando Bloom, Robert Pattinson, Ryan Reynolds, Ryan Seacrest, Taylor Kistch or Zac Efron. Dashed Dingle Dream is not J.C. Chasez or Joshua Jackson.
-Me-Me Dallas is not Camilla Belle, Dakota Fanning, Demi Lovato, Meaghan Martin, Selena Gomez or Taylor Momsen. Tobey Yum Yum is not Chace Crawford, Chris Evans or Joe Jonas.
-Morgan Mayhem might not be Lindsay Lohan... and monkeys might fly out of my butt.
-Nevis Divine is not Alexander Skarsgård, Alex O'Loughlin, Austin Nichols, Bradley Cooper, Chace Crawford, Channing Tatum, Chris Evans, Colin Farrell, Corbin Bleu, Daniel Radcliffe, David Boreanaz, Diego Luna, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, Ed Westwick, Edward Norton, Emile Hirsch, Eric Bana, George Clooney, Gerard Butler, Hayden Christensen, Hugh Grant, Hugh Jackman, Jake Gyllenhaal, James Franco, James McAvoy, Jim Sturgess, John Mayer, Johnathan Rhys Meyers, Joshua Jackson, Justin Bartha, Keanu Reeves, Kellan Lutz, Kevin Connolly, Matt Dallas, Michael Cera, Mike Myers, Olivier Martinez, Orlando Bloom, Penn Badgley, Robert Buckley, Rodrigo Santoro, Ryan Kwanten, Ryan Reynolds, Sebastian Stan, Shia LaBeouf, Simon Baker, Stephen Moyer, Viggo Mortensen, Will Smith, or Zac Efron.
-Stinky Carrot-Crotch is not Jason Segel, John Krasinski, Jon Hamm, Matt Stone or Sam Trammell.
-Toothy Tile isn't 50 Cent, Aaron Eckhart, Adam Brody, Adrian Grenier, Adrien Brody, All 3 Jonas Brothers, Anderson Cooper, Andy Dick, Ashton Kutcher, Ben Affleck, Ben Mackenzie, Bill Clinton, Bradley Cooper, Brad Pitt, Brandon Davis, Brian Austin Green, Carrot Top, Casey Affleck, Chad Michael Murray, Channing Tatum, Chris Evans, Chris Klein, Chris Pine, Christian Bale, Clay Aiken, Colin Farrell, Dane Cook, Daniel Craig, Danny Bonaduce, David Duchovny, David Hyde Pierce, David Schwimmer, David Spade, Denzel Washington, Derek Jeter, Dick Cheney, Don Cheadle, Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, Eddie Murphy, Elijah Wood, Emile Hirsch, Eric Balfour, Gael García Bernal, George Clooney, George Eads, Gerard Butler, Haley Joel Osment, Harrison Ford, Harry Hamlin, Hayden Christensen, Heath Ledger, Hillary Clinton, Homer Simpson, Hugh Jackman, Isaiah Washington, James Franco, James Marsden, Jamie Foxx, Jared Leto, Jared Padalecki, Jason Lee, Jason Statham, Jennifer Garner, Jeremy Piven, Jesse Metacalfe, Jim Carrey, Joaquin Phoenix, Joel McHale, John C. Reilly, John Krasinski, John Stamos, John Travolta, Josh Brolin, Josh Duhamel, Josh Hartnett, Josh Lucas, Julian McMahon, Justin Timberlake, Keanu Reeves, Kellan Lutz, Kenny Chesney, Kevin Spacey, Kiefer Sutherland, Lance Bass, Leonardo DiCaprio, Liev Schrieber, Luke Wilson, Mario Lopez, Mark Ruffalo, Mark Wahlberg, Matt Damon, Matt Dillon, Matt LeBlanc, Matthew Broderick, Matthew McConaughey, Matthew Perry, Michael Angarano, Michael Vartan, Mike Myers, Milo Ventimiglia, Neil Patrick Harris, Nikki Reed, Orlando Bloom, Owen Wilson, Peter Facinelli, Queen Latifah, Ricky Martin, Rob Thomas, Robert Buckley, Robert Pattinson, Ronaldo, Ryan Cabrera, Ryan Gosling, Ryan Reynolds, Scott Speedman, Sean Penn, Sean William Scott, Seth Green, Shane West, Shemar Moore, Shia LeBeouf, Spencer Pratt, Steven Weber, T.R. Knight, Taylor Lautner, Ted Danson, Tobey Maguire, Tom Cruise, Tom Welling, Topher Grace, Usher, Val Kilmer, Viggo Mortensen, Vin Diesel, Vince Vaughn, Wentworth Miller, Will Smith, Wilmer Valderama, Zac Efron, Zach Braff, or Zachary Quinto. Grey Goose is not Anderson Cooper, Chris Pine, George Clooney, Jensen Ackles, Mario Lopez, Matt Dillon, Mel Gibson, Peter Sarsgaard, Ryan Gosling, Tom Cruise, or Zachary Quinto.
-Topher Hairy-Tuchus is not Adrien Grenier, Antonio Sabato Jr., Chris Pine, Colin Farrell, Daniel Radcliffe, Eddie Cibrian, George Clooney, Gerard Butler, Robert Pattinson, Ryan Philippe, Tom Cruise or Will Smith.
2, 3, 4, 5, 7, 8
