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Sunday, July 12th, 2009
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6:41 pm - I feel so hopeless :(
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cosmogirl121
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Hey again! I just posted an entry right before this, I'm sorry for taking up room! I've been in so much pain and struggle these past days as probably many people have who may have realized about narcissism in their family. I just feel like it's going to be a journey of hell for probably years and years to come. My mother is definitely a raging narcissist and I just feel she's a toxic person to even be around. I'm sure my dad's health has worsened because of her. I don't know if I'm just in a state of shock, but I can't wait to leave. She's screwed me over a lot emotionally and hasn't let my personality develop whatsoever. Everything has been for her own selfish reasons.
I'm 19 by the way. I live on campus during the year, but I'm home now. I just feel like I'm never going to escape her trap. I've always been attached to her and probably became just like her. I don't have many places to go, but if I leave, will I suffer from PTSD? I just don't want to go mental by staying here (this definitely might just be me freaking out). Can I wait it out till college?
Anyone in the same situation can give some advice?
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(comment on this)
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| Saturday, July 11th, 2009
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3:16 pm - I feel so upset :(
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cosmogirl121
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Hey guys :) I'm new and I guess I'm in a bit of a crisis. I feel like my mom has NPD and it's affected me in many ways. I know I can't diagnose her. She's always kept me very attached her, to the point when it's not over-protective, but crazy. Now, I just have huge problems with dealing with everyday life. It's not even easy for me to write this. She never let me go out anywhere in high school (not anywhere outside of getting coffee) and I remember just living in my thoughts throughout the four years. My social life was very sad, I had a small amount of friends that I didn't really enjoy spending time with. I spent my high school years with delusions about how I wanted my social life to be like and I always thought that starting over in college would be better. However, I don't have any memories (maybe just one) or any ideas what I was like, recollections, or how my personality was. I just remember it being painful because I wasn't living at all. I remember being close to my mom, but because she had so much control over me. I dormed in college, but I just remember it being hell. I told myself I have to start living life, but even though my classes were not that hard compared to high school, I struggled. I don't remember enjoying any of it, but back then I thought this was normal and I'm just getting comfortable with myself.
I know this post is really confusing, but I feel like my mom is an extreme narcissist. I feel so depersonalized, emotionally unstable, and extremely manipulated. Any social situation I'm in, I feel so uneasy and I've never enjoyed any of them.
My mom has drained every bit of energy out of me. I feel like a slave to her. A couple of days ago, when I realized or thought she had NPD and tried to keep some distance, she dragged me to work, yelled at me during work until I felt so guilty, and took away my phone.
I've never had much of anything for her to ruin. I feel like my life has been her whole life. She called my roommate a lier once to her face and that was probably one my only friends from college.
I don't how I sound right now, a brat, overreacting, exaggerating. I just know something is terribly wrong. I've never been able to act on it because my mom always beats it out of me with more psychological yelling until I think something is wrong with me. I've never been close to my father, but when I spent yesterday with him, he was more loving than my mother has ever been.
Please, can anyone help me out? I'm scared for another reason because I think I'm a narcissist like my mom. It's always been the two of us, and she values me when she wants me to do something for her, but otherwise, she hasn't been supportive with anything. I'm sorry I didn't give more information, I'm trying hard to remember anything from my life, I just feel like it has all been programmed. I don't know how I will ever do much about it, because I feel too much pain and confusion, and then I just tell myself everything is okay.
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Wednesday, July 8th, 2009
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3:43 pm - Adult Living at Home
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mezzanine
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Hi :) I'm new to this community and it's a relief to hear that other people are dealing with the same types of issues, and that it isn't normal behavior!
But one thing I haven't really found any information on is what to do when your an adult child living in your N-dad's house. I know, I should be out of here, and believe me, I wish I were! But I'm in Michigan where jobs are nonexistant, and so I'm staying at home while I apply to grad school and tie up some loose ends with a medical problem while I'm still on my Mom's health insurance. I don't have the financial means to get an apartment and pay for car/health insurance and my student loans.
There seems to be advice for adult children in terms of how much contact (if any) you should have with your N-parent, and advice for spouses of Ns, but is anybody here technically an adult and staying at home temporarily (1.5 yrs for me)? I haven't been home really for four years due to college, and it wouldn't be so bad (I love seeing my mom and brother more) except for my pain-in-the-ass dad. The other day he flew into a rage when I didn't fold the shirts he'd left in the dryer, and I just stood there thinking "Why so serious?" and trying not to laugh because it was just so ridiculous! I think being away has helped me see how stupid his reactions are.
For my Mom, I've downloaded the only ebook I've found that offers practical advice (the Kim and Steve one), and while it does offer important information for my Mom (which may eventually affect N-dad's behavior), it just says not to rope the kids into trying to help you (the mom) and not to alienate them from the N-parent (Kim had small children, so this advice is understandable I suppose).
For me, because of the medical thing, it's important for me to reduce stress and concentrate on dealing with my own time management stuff, so I'm getting very bitter and resentful that what amounts to a six-year-old tyrant is making such stupid demands on my time and energy.
If you are in a similar situation, are you forced to react in the same ways you did when younger (basically just putting up with it)? Because that's what I find myself doing :( I'm not a doormat, but I feel like there's not a lot I can do when he holds my financial dependence over my head.
current mood:  hopeful
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(4 comments | comment on this)
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| Tuesday, July 7th, 2009
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8:22 am
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| Saturday, July 4th, 2009
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7:16 am - The truth comes out
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wised_up
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Well, the truth finally came out. My best friend came to me and admitted that her and my husband had an affair. She had proof of multiple affairs with other women as well. Then to make matters worse, he has been stalking and blackmailing her for the last year. I saw proof of that too. He was texting her while I was standing right next to her, and he knew it. I think he wanted to get caught. I had suspected all this but now I knew for sure.
I wanted to kick him out completely, but for financial reasons, I could only kick him out of our room. He admitted to most of the accusations. He also admitted that there is something wrong with him but he doesn't know what it is.
I told him...NPD.
He did a little research on it and agrees. He even called a couple of his friends to research it and they said the same thing... it was him 100%. He has agreed to get help, especially because I told him that right now I consider him a danger to the children. We can't afford a therapist right now, so we bought the book "Malignant Self Love: Narcissism Revisited" by Sam Vaknin. I have had to read the book and highlight the important parts so that he doesn't get overwhelmed and bored... very short attention span. He says that he see himself and his parents in the descriptions. This has rocked his world and maybe it will be the kick that makes him into a better person, maybe he can one of the Ns that controls his narcissism. High hopes right? But it can happen.
He has been watching self help videos online by Kim and Steve Cooper, a couple in our exact situation who have beaten the odds. Although, we are now legally seperated and I will never go back to him like she did.
In the last week, I have lost my husband (though I knew he was lost a long time ago), my friend, my marriage, my entire way of life and probably my house. I don't have a job yet, I have been trying and will have to drop out of school to get one. I have been the only thing keeping us out of bankruptcy and he is going to crash and burn after I leave, so I can't count on child support. Can't get blood from a rock, right? It's all on my shoulders now.
I am living in a nightmare.
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Sunday, May 31st, 2009
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8:00 pm - My "N" divorce
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wised_up
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I am starting to wonder if I was overeatcting all these years. We finally decided on and talked about divorce. He has been very reasonable and civil about the whole thing. Am I crazy? Have I imagined the last few years? I am taking this as it comes and taking advantage while he is so nice. I know an "N" can be very deceptive and give an impression to others that he is perfect but he is really blowing me away right now right now with how reasonable he is.
I need someone to reasure me that I have not been crazy all these years when I was home at 4:30 in the morning while he was out with his friends, drinking, and that I did not imagine the girls phone numbers and jewlrey I found in his pants, etc.,. That I was not wrong to want him to cut back spending when we were almost in bankruptcy? That I was not wrong when he told me it was my fault his single, childless, friends didn't like me. That I was not wrong!
How can he go from that to this? I totally look like the bitch now. NOW, he is spending time with his kids?! NOW he is acting like a real man!? WTF?! Is it an act?
Second guessing myself... not that I want him back, just wondering if I am right?
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(8 comments | comment on this)
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| Wednesday, May 27th, 2009
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8:10 pm
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reyclou
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Recap of where I've been since my last significant update:
My N-dad has been out of the mental facility for a few months now, still with only marginal improvement. There haven't been any screaming sessions, and he tries to help out when he can, but it's clear he resents doing so. Our biggest conflict has been over my financial aid. (Long story short, he refused to submit the necessary tax information, jeopardizing my senior year of college.)
My N-brother has, unfortunately, moved back in, and he still thinks he's too good to bathe. He does, however, have a girlfriend that seems to be distracting him for the moment. Beyond that, I've tried to give him a wide berth.
As for me, I've been steadily going to counseling once or twice a week. It's only been in the last month or so that I've been feeling much change for the better, both in my actions and attitudes. At the same time, we've been working through so much stuff that I've been having to wade through a lot of emotions, which would be difficult enough for a "normal" person, but seems monumental given all the faulty programming my N-dad beat into me.
Most frustrating, however, has been the impact on my social life -- more specifically, the fact that I'm starting to have one. I've never had very many friends, and those that I have had have not necessarily been the best quality. But lately, I've been making friends with a crowd of genuinely good people, and I find myself almost terrified to show my face around them. I feel completely inferior, especially when they're just having a good time enjoying one another's company. It's like I just don't belong in a group of such loving, confident, happy people. Part of my mental scarring, if you will, is the tendency to depersonalize at the drop of a hat (normal social interaction makes me absurdly anxious). So even if I'm having a good time, I tend to give off all emotional warmth of rotting driftwood.
The sad part is that I've confessed a lot about my life to a select few of them, and they've been nothing but supportive. It just makes me want to cry, in good and bad ways.
It's times like this when I start to feel crazy, and get angry at what I've been through. Am I actually getting ticked off that people want to like me? That people want to help me? Why the heck SHOULDN'T I deserve to be treated as well as the next person?
I know it's all in my head, that I'm perfectly deserving, and that I'm just making the rough transition from co-dependant/co-narcissist to independent human being, but it's the rough, conflicting patches like this that I wish I could just fast forward through.
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(9 comments | comment on this)
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| Sunday, May 17th, 2009
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12:27 pm
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hyacinths
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Hi everyone. I've been watching this community for a brief period of time, and figure I should introduce myself... because this community seems extremely helpful, and I'm amazed at just how many members of different ages there are here.
I'm 22, just finished my English M.A., and the "n"-member in my family is my mom. This past year has been a particularly difficult period in my life. Mom has always kind of "groomed" me towards a teaching career -- I do enjoy teaching -- but after finishing my B.A., I've become less sure that that is what I want to do for the rest of my life. I have a mild case of the post-graduation blues, and n-mom is not making it easier by pressuring me in one direction.
This past Christmas, my brother told me that he is gay. I'm open-minded, thanks largely to my education. I fully support him -- this was NOT a choice on his behalf. But finding out has changed things slightly. It spurred what I can only call a "realization" that... things with the family are only going to get much worse before they get better. My family is extremely traditional, and they do NOT believe in homosexuality; they think homosexuals are brainwashed. My brother is pretty firm on eventually telling them (i.e. several years down the road, when he's already moved out), but there are all kinds of issues that my brother and I have to deal with...
For one, my parents (especially n-mom) are extremely adverse to my brother and I moving out. I never moved out to campus... I spent five years, including graduate studies, at home (which for the past two years involves also living with my grandparents, because we moved in with them when my grandmother got hip surgery). I've bolded this, because I should emphasize that this adds to my home problem; it's one thing to argue with my mom, but another ballgame to upset my grandparents should I do something drastic.
My mom takes every kind of move of independence -- every mention of eventually moving out -- as a threat. If and when I move out, she will take it as though I don't want to be in her life anymore, and as a "fuck you" to the family. She masks the issue of moving out by claiming it's not fiscally responsible / not fiscally feasible.
In order to fully explain my position, I have to write about the abuse I experienced as a teen. N-mom took me out of a lot of extracurriculars, because she never believed in them (she only believed in school). She would write lies to my teachers to remove me from groups I'd joined.
She also rarely ever taught me anything about being responsible around the house; she has never taught me how to do laundry, etc. She has always been very anal about doing things her own way, and has a hard time leaving anything to other people. She will only draw attention to the fact that I don't know how to do things when she is mad at me. She's always been a stay at home mom, and never got her driving license... so this might explain, in part, why she's so attached to doing things her way at home. However, she's crippled me because of this, and I've tried to fight against it -- I've started cooking more for myself, etc. But it's been an uphill battle.
She hates inviting people to our place. She would always end up yelling at me when I invited friends over, because she had to have the house immaculate. I would help clean in those instances. She would also make excuses like, "It's too boring here" or "What are you going to do here?" when I asked if I could invite someone -- which really soured my desire to bring anyone to my home. I haven't done so in years... even my closest friends.
She used to tell me she'd be embarrassed to hire me as a waitress at my dad's restaurant. I don't know why, but this particular comment sticks out as one of the more hurtful things she used to say -- perhaps because she repeated it often. She used to force me to call my piano teacher / talk to my teachers about my shortcomings (even though I was always a high achiever in school), saying what she told me to say with conviction, and watching me as I did so. I've noticed times where she was arguing with someone else in the family and then insulted me so as to turn her anger upon me, because I'm more reserved and quiet and will take it.
She's generally emotionally abusive. She has been physically abusive in the past. She once dragged me into the basement and swung me around, slapping my arms and ripping my t-shirt because I was grumpy one morning and complained that she automatically put butter on my toast when I took a brief trip to the washroom.
My mom was always so difficult about school, that my brother and I were forced to botch our 88%s to 93%s -- kind of funny, in hindsight. She has also always thought that my brother is more capable than me... so after enterining university, and getting roughly the same marks, my brother has continued to botch his to look higher than mine.
I feel like I have no choice but to live a life of lies... and that's what I've been doing since I can remember, to avoid her wrath. She's a loud person in general, and when she's angry it can get very bad. She steamrolls over everyone in her life, and is used to getting her way and winning arguments.
********************************
Another issue: I'm in a long distance relationship she knows nothing about.( Read more... )
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(16 comments | comment on this)
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| Wednesday, April 29th, 2009
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6:53 pm - Brief intro
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figmaniac
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Good evening - wanted to introduce myself as new to the community. I'm married with three wonderful little boys and have NPD, or at least most all the signs. There's no physical abuse in our marriage, though it could reasonably be argued that my lack of empathy and lack of hearing my wife has been emotional abuse. Bless her, she's stuck with me for 12 years, though it was only recently (within the past year) that we really learned about NPD.
I feel horrible about the fact that she's so hurt by my obliviousness - I don't know that it's intentional or conscious on my part, but I freely admit that it exists. I'm in counseling for other issues and will be talking to my doc about working on how to control, or live with, the NPD and gain a bit more ability to just "shut up and listen."
Don't know if anyone knows of success stories, but I'm hoping there are some. I want to change, or at least mitigate my disorder's effects on my family. I have a wonderful wife and great kids and they deserve the best I can give them. I'm open to advice, criticism, and whatever this community can offer up. Any resources on the outside would be most appreciated too.
That said, I found this: http://www.changethatsrightnow.com/fear_anxiety_program-m.asp?SDID=6553:1946
while digging online. Seems too good to be true, so it probably is - I know enough to know there's no easy cure, or even a cure per se, for NPD. But does anyone know anything about it - viable or non-viable as an aid to making my behaviors more bearable for my family? EDIT - I should clarify - I know the program I linked to is junk and a money hole, but are there other resources anyone knows of that I might explore?
current mood:  curious
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(17 comments | comment on this)
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| Thursday, April 23rd, 2009
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9:31 pm - It never stops...
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amithesamegirl7
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So today is my birthday, 26 years young! :) Been a pretty good day overall.
I got several cards in the mail from friends & family, including one from my parents.
My N dad, who is known for screaming in rage, sobbing uncontrollably, unrealistic happy highs and almost-suicidal lows, always used to tell me that my big problem was I let my emotions run wild. Whether I was 6 or 16, it was always the same. Crying wasn't allowed; he'd yell at me to stop crying because I always cry over everything--happy, sad, angry, confused, etc. But to him crying was weak & wrong.
"GET A HOLD OF YOUR EMOTIONS!" he would yell. "Your emotions are like horses pulling your buggy, you're letting them run wild & take you all over the place. Hold onto those reigns!!! Get a grip!"
He often used this analogy to say I was getting drug in every which direction by friends, peer pressure, society, etc. Even though I was an honor student who never messed with drugs or alcohol and never got into trouble, I was always the one they saw as the party child who was out of control.
My homemade birthday card today was a picture of me at 10 years old sitting on a life-size plastic horse outside an old-timey country store we'd gone to on a field trip once.
The note said "Remember to 'hold your horses' but still have a great birthday! We are lucky to have such a generous and loving daughter. Love Mom & Dad."
Maybe they meant something else by 'hold your horses,' but it sure as hell sounded like a cruddy reminder to 'stay in control.' I'm 99% certain it was all my dad's idea. It never stops with those N's, does it...
What do you think? Were they simply trying to say not to go overboard with celebration? My therapist does say I have a bad habit of seeing everything through a negative 'lens' so-to-speak.
current mood:  confused
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(6 comments | comment on this)
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| Tuesday, April 21st, 2009
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1:44 pm - The Narcissim Epidemic
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| Friday, April 17th, 2009
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2:23 pm - Has anyone confronted their N?
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amithesamegirl7
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I know it would be useless because my father probably wouldn't even sit still long enough to hear what I have to say, but I really have the desire to tell him how I feel and, not only that I've decided I no longer want him to be a part of my life, but also why. I feel this burning desire to just say to him, "Dad, I've been an emotional train wreck for most of my adult life, suffering from depression, anxiety, and low self-esteem, and now I finally know why--because I've had to deal with you!"
My therapist says there's no point in trying because IF he even hears me out, he will find a way to turn it around on me and make it seem like I brought it all on myself and there's something wrong with me.
So, if you haven't told your N how you feel, what about cutting them out of your life? Did you just stop contacting them one day, or did you even say "I'm not going to have a relationship with you anymore" ?
current mood:  intimidated
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(10 comments | comment on this)
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| Thursday, April 16th, 2009
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9:54 am - How old was your n...?
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kyra27
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Quick Question: How old were the N's in your lives when they began exhibiting N behavior? My N-sis behaved like an classic N since age 6 at the very latest. She was pathologically selfish and would become enraged over any little mistake I made. She would stay angry until I apologized for whatever slight she imagined I had given her. When I was three years old, I asked her why I was the one who always had to apologize. She was five at the time and replied "well, I'm the one who always have to forgive you". I remember thinking when I was four and five years old that even though she was older than me by two years, she seemed so childish in the ways she acted. During elementary school, she would do things to hurt me whenever she got angry at me, like scrape a butter knife down my hand or make me drink hot sauce or lock me in rooms. I remember thinking that when I got angry at her, I simply didn't talk to her. I wondered why my reactions were more "adult" than hers. Even as a small child, her actions seemed infantile to me.
The research doesn't have much information on the average age of onset of N behaviors. Some research says adolescence or early adulthood, but I think my N-sis was N from a very young age. I wanted to see how old other N's were at the beginning of their N behavior because it seems like if their condition was caused by a trauma during infancy, that their symptoms would show up sooner than early adulthood, right?
current mood: curious
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(11 comments | comment on this)
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12:18 am - Holidays Are Tough
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kyra27
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Hi,
I'm pretty new to the site and this is my first general post. I just got home from visiting my parents at their house for Easter weekend. My N-sis came to visit too because, unfortunately, she loves spending time with us. She doesn't have many friends in her life because she has unrealistic expectations of people and is quick to cut them out of her life when they disappoint her by making anything a priority over their "duty" to her. If a friend she called at the last minute can't help her move because they've already committed to doing something else, she feels like they're saying their plans are more important than she is to them, so she stops being friends with them. If someone fails to invite her to a gathering, neglects to return a voicemail, doesn't answer an e-mail promptly enough, they're gone, even after years of friendship. I guess she enjoys spending time with us because after all her abuse, we're still there for her.
Anyway, I was pretty nervous about going to my parents' house for Easter because N-sis had gotten extremely angry with me the weekend before and cussed me out over the phone, declaring (once again) that we weren't sisters anymore. She's done this since we were small children (she probably started when she was six and I was four), and hasn't stopped doing it since (I'm now 29 and she's 31). (I one time tried to explain to her when I was nine that sometimes sisters fight but that doesn't mean we stop loving each other or that we won't be sisters anymore. She laughed and said she understood, but she keeps declaring that we're not sisters anymore when she gets angry, so I'm thinking it didn't quite sink in). But strangely she was nice to me, even apologized for being so hurtful. I think it was because she can sense when I'm really angry and seriously contemplating NC.
However, she was incredibly difficult with my dad during the weekend. I woke up to the latest in an extremely long history of screaming matches (you can't sleep late at my parents house because the screaming always start early) and found that my sister was screaming at my dad. As near as I could tell, my sister was angry at my dad because he refused to drive her around all day while she completed a series of errands. She got incredibly angry and kept insisting he admit that she wasn't his daughter anymore. I tried to calm her down, but she was incensed as usual. I was eventually able to intercede, calm her down and resolve the problem. Later I tried to talk my dad about it, and I got the feeling that more than ever before, he's feeling done with her. I know he'll always love her because he's her dad, but this time, I felt a serious shift toward cutting her out of his heart.
I've spoken to my mom about the possibility that N-sis has NPD before, but she absolutely refused to hear it and ordered me not to say anything about it to anyone else in the family because N-sis "already believes she has a bunch of things she doesn't have". (My mom is a big fan of denial). I want to tell my dad about it because it has helped me tremendously to understand what NPD is and to read the literature about it and know that I'm not alone. I'm hesitant to talk to him about it for a number of reasons, though, and I don't know what to do. First, my dad comes from a generation and place where any sort of mental illnesses are suspect and confusing. Even now after my N-sis was diagnosed with depression over 13 years ago and had been showing symptoms for nearly 16 years, he still struggles to understand what depression is. (He's traditionally been of the "you can think yourself happy" camp because he genuinely doesn't understand that depression is disease with measurable symptoms). Second, he's long-suffering (it takes a lot to get him to explode), but I'm afraid if N-sis were screaming at him in the future, he might say something about the NPD out of anger. N-sis already knows I think she has NPD because I asked her to ask her therapist about it once (I lied about what NPD was really like when I described it to her). But of course, she eventually looked it up and became enraged that I thought she had it. Since then, both she and my mom have forbidden me from making any mention of it whatsoever. I know my dad has given me up in the past, and I'm not convinced he wouldn't do it again. But on the other hand, it might help him to know. Does anyone have advice on what I should do? I'd love to hear it, 'cuz after another jolly holiday weekend, Lord knows I'm out.
current mood:  tired
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(4 comments | comment on this)
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| Wednesday, April 15th, 2009
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6:14 pm - Funeral
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blacktapegrrl
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My grandmother passed away exactly two weeks ago from (among many other things) complications resulting from a botched gallbladder removal surgery (the surgeon failed to reconnect her bile tube and the autopsy revealed that there was bile on top of her liver literally eating away at it). My N father made funeral plans before she passed away because he knew she was not long for this world. He wanted an autopsy (which I understand, because the surgeons and doctors totally screwed up which resulted in her death), fine. Then he wants her cremated, which would have been fine too if it weren't for the fact that my grandmother said to him, in no uncertain terms, that she did not want to be cremated (this was even before she got sick). Nice guy, eh?
Now two weeks have passed, and no funeral. WTF? I am just completely baffled. My dad made funeral arrangements BEFORE she passed away, so shouldn't that make it a little easier? I also think it was incredibly disrespectful of him not to honor his dying mother's wishes to NOT be cremated. This is ridiculous.
current mood:  blah
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(7 comments | comment on this)
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| Tuesday, April 14th, 2009
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8:26 pm - Dealing with an NPD Father
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amithesamegirl7
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I began seeing a therapist about 8 months ago due to extreme issues I was having coping with a problem co-worker and my overbearing father. After a few sessions, my therapist was quick to make the ties that the reason I had so much anger & frustration with my co-worker is because she reminded me so greatly & portrayed many of the same characteristics as my father. As we progressed even further, she has come to the conclusion that my father is most like suffering from NPD. My sister, who saw a different therapist over a year ago, recently informed me that her therapist told her the same thing about our dad.
My father has always been a sort of mystery to me. Growing up, I don't remember things being too bad---my parents fought occasionally, but whose don't? My dad would get really upset over things like me forgetting to hang the cordless phone up, but I figured it was just me being a forgetful teen who didn't care too much about the parents rules---perhaps a rebellious phase that everyone goes through.
The older I have gotten, the more the negativity & harmful thoughts and beliefs are beginning to surface. One of the issues I struggle most with in life is an extremely low sense (or total lack) of self-esteem, along with feelings that people will only love me if I'm perfect and fears of abandonment. My therapist suggested I read a book called "The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists," which my sister had already completed and so she sent me her copy. The past week I have read just a few chapters, skipping around here & there are glancing through my sister's highlights, and it's like reading the story of my life. Even though I knew these things were going on, my eyes were never quite opened up to it like they have been now.
This weekend my parents decided (with less than 24 hours notice, as usual) that they were going to come visit me since it was close to my birthday. I don't enjoy being around my N father, and had been traveling every weekend for the past 5 weeks and really just wanted some time to relax at home. After much deliberation, crying, and guilt I finally mustered up the courage to simply send my mom a text saying I didn't want them to come. Sure enough the next day she called saying dad wasn't feeling good so THEY had decided not to come.
Over the course of the weekend my guilt for simply saying I didn't want them to come (and not even saying it but texting it) just grew as I felt once again like a horrible child, because who would purposely avoid her parents? Surely my dad would decide I was no longer worthy of his time and shun me and once again I'd be a disappointment, as always--never good enough. This, coupled with a recent argument with my boyfriend, landed me in the ER Sunday night for an anxiety attack. I have decided that aside from anxiety I think I need to begin seeing someone for possible depression. Does anyone else experience these types of issues from their N?
My father displays all the characteristics of the N. He particularly portrays it in the religious sense, feeling and expressing that he is a prophet sent from above to preach God's word call everyone to be judged and show them the error of their ways, including his children. Growing up he constantly told and still tells us that God "shows him things" and he is aware of our sins. My father has uncontrollable mood swings; the slightest thing will set him off. As a teen if I forgot to hang the phone up, he would go on a screaming tirade and throw it literally through the wall. He would often throw papers, break things, punch holes in walls or kick holes in furniture, and usually over things that would be only slightly irritating to others. Growing up I felt the extreme pressure to be perfect. Perhaps if I did everything exactly as he wanted, he would never get upset. But that never seemed to be enough, and if I ever messed up forgot something it was not due to being forgetful, it was because I was careless, stupid, spiteful, rebellious, or simply trying to make him angry with me. Mistakes were not allowed.
One of the most common memories is from helping him with home improvements, and him asking me to pick up parts from the hardware store. He would give a vague description of the object he needed, without being able to provide a name for it, and then send me (an 18-year-old [at the time] female with no knowledge of tools, etc.) out to get it. When I came back with the wrong thing, he would rage at me, screaming & crying for an hour about how I must be trying to sabotage him because I obviously didn't listen to a word he said or else I would have gotten the right thing. This usually followed with various strings of profanity and insults at my intelligence. After years & years of hearing it, I'm sure you can understand how easy it was to internalize. I am just now getting to the point where I run to the store to pick up something for someone else without having to take along a picture, product name, item number, and detailed description of what they need. If they ask me to choose for them (such as 'just grab me a sandwich from Burger King') I will spend up to 15 minutes trying to pick what they'd like the most, lest they think I am a failure for not being able to read their mind.
The contradictions are perhaps what's most confusing. My father told me one day as I was walking out the door to return to my home (that I share with my boyfriend) after a weekend visit that "By the way, if you plan to marry your boyfriend, I won't give you away at your wedding because I don't approve of your relationship. You are living in sin and I cannot support that!" He preaches at me constantly, warning me of how much sadness, strife, and difficulty I am going to ultimately experience by continuing this way. But when he wants a vacation, or starts to get bored, he has no problem popping up for a "surprise visit" and staying with me, asking my boyfriend to stay elsewhere since he's not comfortable with our living arrangements. He constantly voices his disapproval with my boyfriend but when needed will ask him for assistance in chores or minor things or even sometimes in bigger things---"Can we come stay at your boyfriends parents lakehouse for the weekend?"
I have decided that I either need to keep my father out of my life or limit my contact with him to the bare minimum. My doctor, therapist, chiropractor, and even dentist have told me I am aging prematurely in various ways due to the amount of stress I am carrying around and my body's physical manifestations of it. I have begun mourning the loss of my wished-for relationship with my father, and each day it is becoming more & more clear that he will never be the father I needed or now want him to be. The best I can do now is try to take care of myself and hope that I can recover in time to try to help my mother, who---after 31 years of marriage to a N that has emtionally & verbally abused her, conving her she is utterly worthless and stupid and her penance for that is to eternally care for him---has already tried to kill herself twice.
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(12 comments | comment on this)
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| Wednesday, April 8th, 2009
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12:44 am - Never invite a n to apologize
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littlefrance
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Never invite a narcissist to apologize
Today I feel almost too upset to record what happened, but nevertheless I shall try because I owe it to my children and others to take down as accurately as I can the turn of events. I got up about 6:30am. Everyone else was in bed. I was not feeling particularly great as I had a sore throat and was feeling very slightly nauseous and I still has slight diarrhoea, as had some of the other members of the family. For instance, my wife spent much of the previous afternoon in bed (flu?) while I played soccer in the garden with the boys. I had some urgent office-related work to catch up on so from about 6:45 am until 8am I worked on that (with my employer's lap top on the dining table) and then my wife came downstairs carrying the baby. Usually when she brings the baby she intends to hand over the baby to me but I pre-empted her (whether rightly or wrongly) saying "are you coming to offload the baby?". She said "no" and then she started feeding the baby some breakfast. About 15 minutes later (I think) she said that she was going to take a shower and left the baby with me (incidentally when I have a shower I normally bring the baby into the shower room with me and I give the baby some playthings while I am getting washed and dressed but it would never occur to her to do that even if she can see that I'm busy). I didn't really mind in a way because I like to spend the time with the children and I fed the baby a bit more and gave him some milk and supervised the other children who were taking their breakfast. She returned from the shower about 8:30am and said to me that the computer shop would open at 9:00am and she asked me if I would be ready to go to the computer shop to discuss the problem of internet access that we have been having for the last three days. She then launched into a tirade of complaints about how terrible I was to reinstall MS-Windows and fail to get internet access connected for a whole three days. I said I had some urgent things to do this morning and that I would not be ready for 9:00 am and that I would not be ready until about 9:30am (I am not exaggerating about the times). She then started shouting and swearing at me very loudly in front of the children, causing one of the children to cry and the others to become very subdued. I was just relieved that she was swearing at me and not at the children because to be honest the children get worse treatment than I do and they will sometimes cry in unison when their mother shouts and shouts and swears at them for a full minute (mainly using the f*** word over and over again and contorting her flushed red face while doing so - perhaps I will take a photo sometime). Her complaint was basically that I was "extremely selfish and evil" for doing my office-related work while she was needing internet access. I suggested that she visit her nearby friend to obtain internet access if it is really as urgent as she said it was (and it wouldn't be a problem because I often watch the children). When she shouted very loudly and swore at me in front of the children I refused to rise to the bait and I replied calmly with phrases like "why are you swearing at me" or "please don't shout and swear at me in front of the children". She then said that I had caused her to shout and swear because she was off the internet for three whole days and I was not responding to her request immediately (so in her line of reasoning it was my fault that she was shouting and swearing). I think my self-control (i.e. my tendency not to shout or swear) really annoys her and I can tell you now that she doesn't possess much self-control (at least not within the confines of the family home - she behaves completely differently if we are out or if there are visitors in the house). By the time she had vented her anger on me the children were looking upset but apart from the baby they were not crying). She probably used the f*** word about 30 or 40 times in total (my estimate). In conclusion I wish I had a hidden dictophone to record the conversation (if you can call it a "conversation"). At one stage, when she was holding the baby and shouting and swearing very loudly I panicked, being worried for the safety of the baby, and I quickly whisked the baby from her. As I did so she pretended that I hurt her and said "aaawww" (not nearly as loudly as her earlier shouting and swearing), saying to the children that I was being "violent". She then rammed one of the chairs against me, but thankfully she didn't ram the chair nearly hard enough to make me drop the baby. She then said to the children (in front of me) that their father is an "extremely evil, selfish, violent man". I muttered the word "hypocrisy" and then she said to me "Yes you are a hypocrite". I then said that she could be prosecuted if she causes parental alienation syndrome (just loudly enough to be heard). She threatened to smash the lap top I was using. I said calmly (possibly with a slight smirk on my face) that my employer would prosecute her if she did that. After all that I was unable to get the urgent office work done because I was feeling a little drained after my wife's rather dramatic behaviour. She told me that I lacked emotion (as if that somehow justified her aggressive shouting/swearing) and she said that murderers are always calm people (she said it in a way that sounded convincing and I suspect the older children believed her). I went out to the computer shop around 10 am and then managed to get internet access around lunchtime but I thought it might help if I ask her to apologize before I complete the task of setting up the password. I asked her to apologize for the shouting and swearing and she said that she would not apologize until I apologized for being "horrible" to her. She refused to be more specific about what she meant by "horrible" but I think she meant that I was horrible for failing to get the computer sorted sooner and because I supposedly caused her to shout and swear (so she sees me as the main culprit for her shouting/swearing). After lunch she took the two older children out in the car and she refused to tell me where she was going. She didn't take the younger two children. The five year old child started crying, saying that he wanted to go with mummy too. The baby didn't cry because the baby is well used to my company and tends to spend most of the time with me whenever I'm around. I took the five-year-old and the baby out to the shops and I bought the five-year-old a matchbox car and one or two tasty treats to cheer him up and then we returned to the house. He kept asking me when mummy would return and I could not answer his question. My wife came home around 6:30pm and she made dinner. She made dinner for the children and missed me out (she can be predictable!). I therefore figured that she was still keen on revenge. She said to me that I would live to regret not getting the passwords sorted out soon enough (I suppose that since she said "live to regret" she's therefore not planning to kill me). I said something to the effect that she was behaving in her usual way by saying this. After dinner I decided to visit my parents (15 miles away) and I insisted on bringing one of the older children. The child in question resisted and my wife discouraged him from going with me, saying (in front of the children) that I was a "child abuser" for insisting on one of the children coming. The child in question (age 8) cried in the car for about 15 minutes (possibly because I was going against his mother's will) and then he calmed down and later he thanked me for taking him to see his grandparents. I think the calm/sane atmosphere at my parents house helped to cheer him up. On the way home he was in a good/happy mood. When I got home my wife had calmed down but she complained at length about not being able to open her e-mail attachments and I said something like "if you don't stop complaining now I will not install MS Office for you". In the end I installed it for her (of course she didn't thank me for doing it because, in the mind of a narcissist, she got me to do it and therefore the credit is hers). She still didn't apologize for the loud shouting and swearing and I doubt that she ever will but I guess they say that it's unwise to invite a narcissist to apologize.
current mood: tired
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(7 comments | comment on this)
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| Wednesday, April 1st, 2009
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12:46 pm - Divorce Granted
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wised_up
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My N just agreed to a divorce.
I am doubting myself at this moment because he said everything just too perfectly. He made all the appropriate emotional remarks and seemed genuine. It's times like this that can make me forget the horrible things he has done in the past and wonder if I was just crazy? Although I noticed that he still did not take responsibilty for his part in our demise.
We will not divorce until my schooling is done in 1 and a half years though. Until then I kind of feel like the pressure to keep him happy is off a little bit.
Do you think its possible to stay friends and live with him as a friend until my schooling is done? We can't afford to leave our house right now and he doesn't want to leave the kids yet and I can't get through schooling without him here.
current mood: hopeful
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Monday, March 30th, 2009
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8:29 pm
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modernretro
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okay, so my sister and I are extremely close, but we still fight a lot. Generally I hate fighting so I just let her get angry with me and then once she's over it, we hang out and get along. But today she REALLY annoyed me.
So she washed a bunch of towels and when they were done drying she came up to carry them. She had a huge stack of towels on her shoulder and I had just finished working out and was very tired.
So, she starts going "OW OW OW MY ARM HURTS. OMG. HELP ME!" seriously, I was just so tired and I said "put the towels down if they hurt your arm, I am way too tired to get up right now."
So she got very angry with me because I didn't jump up and help her carry the towels upstairs. She told my mom about what happened and said "I can't believe I just witnessed that!" I was like, wait a second, are you fucking serious? She actually got mad at me for not helping her carry towels b/c i was too tired (was sweating from just doing my dance cardio workout around the house).
My dad is a narcissist and I really believe my sister is A LOT like him. my brother and mother agree that my sister follows in his steps a lot, but the thing is... my sister can't stand my dad either and thinks he's crazy as well. My sister claims to be very aware of NPD and yadda yadda but I really think my sister's narcissistic traits come out in subtle ways that just get under your skin.
Like she is always ready to give her opinion when she thinks you've done something wrong. She kind of acts superior to others in the house hold and it really bugs me sometimes. She's a really successful person (she's a teacher, and works long hours) and generally she's a very good hearted person, but she just REALLY annoys me be cause she just always gets angry at me for the most RIDICULOUS things. Like one time I supposedly interrupted her even though I thought she was done talking. Is it so wrong that I changed subjects while having a conversation because I thought we were done discussing the topic of her job? She got actually angry with me.
I just feel she plays the martyr too sometimes and expects people to do what she wants. which is just how my dad is.
and honestly, i could write an ENTIRE book about my dad's NPD behavior. NO joke. LOL. and I actually might write a book about it someday, for real. :)
current mood:  okay
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Thursday, March 26th, 2009
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12:27 am - Advice on leaving my N
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wised_up
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I am so thankful to finally know that I am not crazy and that there is a light at the end of the tunnel!
I am pasting my bio onto here because I don't know how to set a thumbnail to it. :)
I am a mother of 2 small children who is married to a narcissist. My N is not physically abusive and has been financially successful until recently and so putting my finger on the problem has been elusive. He is very emotionally abusive and irresponsible with our money. He is quick to blame all of our problems on me and refuses to take any responsibility himself. We are now facing bankruptcy and I am planning my escape before he harms the children as well. Nothing is ever good enough for him. I guess I jumping all over the place in this and he doesn't sound as bad here as what I feel.
The truth is, he fits EVERY symptom of NPD except physical abuse. He doesn't care or even want to hear about other peoples feelings (including mine and the children) and reacts badly when critisised by blaming me or anyone/thing else in the area. He drops his friends the moment they stop idolizing him and I am afraid he will do the same to me and the kids before I can afford to leave on my own. So I walk the line of trying to pacify him while still standing my ground.
He has spent all of our money on his own projects and desires, against my very vocal wishes. He is addicted to opening new business ventures and abandons them shortly after- he gets bored easily. I cant stand by and get cut to shreds any longer while trying to hold our lives together for him while he plays. Unfortunately, I have no marketable skills, no family who can help, and am stuck in a bad situation. I have enrolled in a paralegal program and will graduate in 1 and a half years, then I can leave. I am completely financially unable to leave at this point and with our situation he will not be able to provide adequate child support anyhow. I have to be able to do it on my own with 2 not quite school age children.
I'm sorry I have rambled on but I am so happy to finally have found others who understand and (hopefully) won't think I'm crazy! He's such a likable person to those who don't know the true him that I end up looking like the bad guy. What I need is support during this 'in between' time and advise on walking that line.
Thank you just for being here!
current mood:  determined
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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