Notes to Man's Best Friend

Buddy,

Sun, 17 Aug 2008 07:25:03 GMT

Will you ever learn to share? There are four other dogs in this house who would love to play with that poor little yellow squeaky ball of fun before you eat it. I’ve also got to tell you much I love cleaning up the plastic remains of your murderous rampage all over the house. You're a serial squeaky toy killer and you show no mercy.

- the squeak toy advocate

addendum

Fri, 15 Aug 2008 09:54:07 GMT

No, reynardo does not keep bacon in her handbag. Really.

No, you can not has bacon.

Thu, 14 Aug 2008 22:25:29 GMT

Dear Cuton,

Twice at the vet, with a drip, after being lethargic puppy to the point where we were despairing for your life, is too much. We know you're not really a puppy, and that at nearly 10 years old you should probably be slowing down a bit. But having you lying on the beanbag, ignoring even a morsel of fresh chicken, had us worried out of our minds. And it was obvious you were really miserable too.

I'm glad the vet has finally worked out what is wrong with you, even if it did take all of lederhosen's bonus. He's right, by the way. Considering each time we've had a bonus you've then needed extensive vet time, we really can't afford to get bonuses any more.

But pancreatitis is not a death sentence. Honestly. Despite what you say, I disagree. It is perfectly possible to have a full and fabulous life without bacon. Bacon is not the be-all and end-all of life. Even if it is the glorious home-smoked wonderfulness that our local butcher makes. You will not fade away to a wraith if you don't have bacon! In fact, if I did give in and give you bacon, you would be a very sick puppy again, back at the vet on a drip, and we would be sad and guilty and feeling miserable.

It's glorious to see you up and bouncing and lively and wanting to go for walks up Candy Mountain again. It warms my heart to hear you racing up and down the corridor like the gibbon that you are. But please stop begging for bacon. Please stop with the chin-on-the-knee and the pathetic looks and the sitting eagerly at my feet when I'm cooking it. Because it's breaking my heart.

And no. You can not has bacon.

Much love, even if you don't believe it.

Mum, Thumbdude, and the rest.

Tue, 12 Aug 2008 17:56:09 GMT

Dear Bentley,
I know you're at that age right now which is basically the Terrible Twos for puppies. You're nearly nine months old, and I'm so proud of how big and healthy you are, and how for the most part, you're so smart and well trained, if a bit stubborn.

Now, I know the combination of TT's plus mommy all of a sudden working two jobs means you just have to let out your wild and crazy in all sorts of destructive ways. I can't stand the thought of keeping you in your crate for so much time, but otherwise, everything gets destroyed. This is the first time I've ever had a BIG inside dog. You do more destruction in five minutes than any of my little dogs could do if they had all day, and a mission.

Please, stop destroying our things. You have lots of toys, and I wear you out as often as I can with walks and fetchies! Please, stop having accidents in the house. For a long time, you did so well, and now, there's accidents every day. I'm getting to the end of my rope; I just can't help but get stressed out when my house is a wreck, and you've had accidents without even asking to go outside! We let you out anytime you want to, please, just let us know!

I know you miss me when I'm gone for so long, working. Trust me, I wish I could make enough money at one job to take care of our family, but I don't. So please, when I come home from work tired, with bleeding feet...please don't pounce on me, or try and knock me over. Mommy is to the point where she's crying most nights because she's in pain and doesn't know what to do with you while you're destroying the house.

Much love, despite the stress,
Buyer of foods and toys

P.S. I want to buy you a puppy for Christmas, because I know you miss your friends you had before we moved. But if I can't figure out how to manage you, there's no way I can get you a friend! So please, help me out a little, ok buddy?

(On another note...any advice on dealing with these accidents and terrible twos? He's a really good boy, other than these things...)

Tue, 12 Aug 2008 14:02:50 GMT

Dear Opie, you darling,

HOWLING AT 5:15 IN THE MORNING? RIGHT OUTSIDE MY BEDROOM DOOR? REALLY?

Love,
your irate, sleep-deprived playmate

and Mollie,

HE DIDN'T NEED ANY HELP, YOU LITTLE HARRIDAN.

Love,
the human who fills your food bowl

You're all a bunch of ANIMALS!!!

Tue, 12 Aug 2008 09:40:24 GMT

Dear Buddy,

I noticed the paint fumes that still linger in my room didn’t sit well with you. I’m sorry you had to spend most of the day throwing up and stumbling around like you had some sort of bizarre doggy hangover. I aired the room out all day and if I had known the smell would have bothered you so much I would have slept of the couch with you again. So was it really necessary to be mean to me all day? I babied the ever-loving crap out of you today because I felt so guilty and you weren’t feeling well. Obviously I’m sorry so could you please forgive me and try to feel better tomorrow? I’ll never spray paint my furniture again.

I love you puke-y puppy-Me

Dear Apollo and Duke,

I understand that you are both big tough watch dogs. You do such a great job guarding every square inch of the house and, with you guys on patrol, I have no reason to every be wary of any possible evil-doers. Now I don’t mean to criticize you, especially since you take such pride in your job, but we have had the same neighbors since before either of you became a part of our family. I promise you, when they pull into their driveway and exit their car, they have not sprung out of nowhere like ninjas to initiate a fight to the death. Besides, they’ve known you long enough to know that you guys are loud but harmless. I hate to tell you this but you’re not fooling anyone. So how about giving all of use a break and finally understanding that our neighbors are nice people and not potential homicidal maniacs? The guy on the corner is an exception though; you have my full permission to bark at that jerk whenever the opportunity arises.

Keep up the good work boys-Me

Isabella-

When I tell you the peanut butter I’m eating is mine, sticking your nose in my face is not going to change my mind. You have an adorable pink nose but, because you are a Great Dane, your nose is also very large and placing it in such close proximity with my food is kind of annoying. I understand that you’re daddies girl and he has practically taught you how to eat with a spoon because he adores all your wonderful qualities so much that he spoils you rotten. I can’t blame him; you’re a great dog and almost all of your little quirks never fail to bring a smile to my face , that is not one of them. It’s my peanut butter; get your own. I’m sure the big guy would be more then happy to help you with that.

I love you chow hound - Me

How Quickly We Forget

Fri, 08 Aug 2008 20:00:04 GMT

Mick,

You went through the Terrible Twos at 6 and 9 months. You destroyed the Couch of Evil. You killed the Berkinstock of Doom. And who can forget the Tennis Shoe of 1000 Deaths? You mellowed out. Went back to the lumpy puppy I remembered and was The Perfect Student in all your classes. You heel with the best of them. You will do anything for "Real Meat." (Canz brand from New Zealand).
So, now that you are 18 months old, you are now suddenly KING OF THE KNOWN UNIVERSE and be-damned to anybody who does not do your bidding? Especially Daddy.

Yeah, Mick, I don't think so.

Back to Nothing In Life is Free. How did you like eating your dog food piece by piece from Mommy before? How are you gonna like it now?   Remember the couch? No more unless I invite you The baby gates will be back up before dinner. No more "free" outside time. You are grounded, dude.

Gadz, I hate teenagers.

With luck, this is the last hurrah for domination. Having a dominant dog is like having a surly out of control teenager. You can't beat them and you can't toss them on the street. *sigh*

(note: He is neutered. He is also a Catahoula Leopard Dog. He is well trained, has a "job", gets plenty of exercise, has appropriate toys, bones, and has NOT bitten anybody)

Fri, 08 Aug 2008 04:18:10 GMT

Poppy, darling guard-dog,

Thank you for alerting us to the fact that the cat had gotten out. Again. And even bigger kudos for chasing her out and pinning her down (even though she has several pounds on you) until we could bring her inside. Again. You are one smart cookie, and the best little sis a kitty could have.

Loves,
Mama-A.

Tue, 05 Aug 2008 17:04:35 GMT

oh puppy,
i know the vet has done horrible things to you and i left you there one time for days and they cut you up and it was awful. i am very sorry about that, i am, but it wasn't my fault, my idea or even really up to me. that tumor had to go.

but today, you're just being groomed. i know that seems almost as awful to you-- maybe even worse than surgery-- but i promise it's not that bad, and i'm coming to pick you up at the end of the day.

as i left, you cried and stood there, staring at me in utter horror with the saddest puppy dogs eyes ever seen in history. my heart broke in pieces because you were so damn pitiful. but you look like a ragmop and need to be cleaned up a bit.

you'll survive, little one. grow a pair. (and, btw, sorry i cut them off.)

tons of love,
mama

Dear Demera,

Tue, 05 Aug 2008 12:19:29 GMT

Dear Demera,

I am so glad you're starting to come around! When mommy and daddy got you, you were so sick with kennel cough we thought we'd have to take you to the vet again. We're so glad we didn't have to, and that your medicine is working (you take it like a good girl, no fighting!) and you're running and jumping and playing like a three month old puppy should. We are relieved! Also, thank you for helping mommy clean up all the puppy food she spilled on the kitchen floor this morning! Mommy is such a klutz! She was trying to get you some milk bones as a reward for being such a good girl and going potty on the newspaper, and was so excited she forgot about the puppy food on the shelf in front of the milk bones! Oops!

Mommy also loves napping with you in the afternoons. She loves it when you curl up next to her and rest your head on her neck, like this (kinda blurry). It makes her feel warm and loved and wanted. Mommy is so glad you have become so attached to her, she fell in love with you the very first time she saw you, and when you were still at the pet store the second time mommy went back, she jumped for joy (literally)! Mommy and daddy were convinced that you were meant to be with us, and so we took you home. You are such a well behaved puppy! You potty on the papers, you play gentle, you cuddle, you give sweet little kisses, and you follow mommy around, and when mommy stops walking, you stop too and sit down and look up at her with those big beautiful brown-green eyes, and mommy falls in love with you all over again. Mommy feels lucky to have a puppy like you.

You are also sooo good with your kitty friends, Puck and Princess. Princess was very scared of you the first day she saw you, because you were so much bigger than her, but she has warmed up to you and now she gives your stinky puppy butt kitty baths.

But Demmy? When both mommy and daddy are in bed, you are too big to be sleeping with us. You will take up more than half the bed when you are fully grown at 90 pounds! So we want you to learn to sleep in your own bed. That is why mommy and daddy put you in the bathroom with the baby gate. The baby gate is NOT a climbing toy. We understand that you just want to be close to us, but our bed is only a Queen and it's not big enough to sleep two people and a 90 pound doggie. We love you, but you can't sleep with us at night. Also, please stop chewing on mommy's recliner foot rest. You have plenty of toys to chew on.

With much love,

Mommy

Dear Karma

Mon, 04 Aug 2008 05:53:48 GMT

Dear Karma,

You know mommy loves you, and you know mommy loves her couch that looked so much... nicer before you moved in, but you will be sleeping on the couch tonight instead of our bed.

The last few nights you've been up, down, up, down, up, down and you seem to feel the need to jump onto my legs with every move. Combine that with that little half bark / chicken sound you make at every little thing outside has kept me awake and mommy isn't very happy right now. I know you love to ~~snuggle with us~~ lay on my legs which keeps waking me up at night, but mommy has had enough.

Please don't give me that look as I shut the bedroom door, just know that in my family, the fact that you sleep indoors is considered coddling.

You'll get kisses in the morning as always, I just need my sleep.

Love,

Mommy

Dear Laika

Thu, 31 Jul 2008 14:23:17 GMT

Dear Laika,

Tomorrow we're coming to get you from the Humane Society. You might not remember me (we met three weeks ago), but I've been thinking about you every day. We've got the house all ready for you - I made a cushion for your crate, I bought a whole bunch of toys for you to try out, I have been reading my puppy books every night. The whole family is on board and they're all excited to meet you.

Now, you'll be our first puppy, so we'll probably make a whole bunch of mistakes. Please be understanding, this is as new to us as it is to you. We'll all do our best.

I hope that tomorrow will be the start of a wonderful new life for you. We love you already and can't wait to bring you home.

Love, the fam

Dear Jazz,

Thu, 31 Jul 2008 04:57:24 GMT

I love playing with you after Taekwondo, especially when class was particularly challenging that day. You’re such a smart little puppy but you’re just enough of a goober to make me laugh whenever I see you. The way you immediately run right to me with that adorable little spazzy Jazz face whenever I’m in the lobby makes me feel so special. You always run to me whenever you hear my voice or see me like you’ve just been reunited with your family after being away for a million years. As if you didn’t make me feel special enough already, you bring me your bones or whatever you can find lying around the lobby. I’m so glad Master Seo adopted you and I hope he asks me to be your dog sitter some day. I’ll never admit this to anyone but you but I almost hope it takes you longer than usual to potty train so Master Seo doesn’t decide that it’s okay to finally start leaving you at home and I don’t get to hang out with my best buddy anymore. Maybe he’ll get used to having you to keep him company at school and we’ll always be able to play? It’s unlikely but I still hope he will more then I hope I suddenly wake up with all the skills required to instantly be promoted to a black belt.

You may not be my puppy to love but I love you anyways,

The Jazz player

Wed, 30 Jul 2008 02:32:44 GMT

Dear Dusty-moo,

You have beautiful soft ears. Beautiful big brown eyes. A beautiful waggy tail. A beautiful doggy grin, when you do grin and don't look so nervous. You even have big beautiful labrador-duck feet. You're a good girl and I'm glad you're my girl, and I try to give you lots of pettins.

But you see that big flat thing there? It's called a floor. It's good for walking on, putting things on, and flopping on.

Beautiful neurotic dogs are not good for walking on. It makes you yelp, it scares me to think I might have hurt you, and there really really REALLY are better ways of getting petted and talked to and given treats.

Sweetie-pup, please let me walk on the floor and not you, k? We'll both be happier for it.

Love, Mama

Nightmares

Tue, 29 Jul 2008 19:26:36 GMT

Dear Mac,

I had a dream about you the other night and I haven't been able to sleep well since. I actually have a terrible migraine right now thanks to you boy! In my dream you died because Mommy didn't take care of you good enough, but I promise that I will never let that really happen. I know since I started working full time that we haven't spent as much time together and that you like Grandma more than me some times but from now on I'm going to make sure to spend more time with you. You are the only one who never judges me or points out my faults and you have no idea what that means to me. You really are a good boy and I love you.

Love always,
Your Mom.

Julia's work in Chicago

Tue, 29 Jul 2008 01:06:43 GMT

Dear Julia,

Thank you for all that you did to keep me safe in Chicago last week. Thank you for showing me that yes, I can navigate big professional conferences and don't have to be afraid if I get lost or don't know where I'm going in the hotel. Your steady presence the entire time we were in Chicago was what kept me calm and rational even when the crazy lady told me that the next time I corrected you, you would be taken away. NO one will ever take you away from me. You are such a part of my life that I couldn't imagine life without you.

You really made Paul proud on Thursday when he showed us the relieving area and you remembered after only being shown once. Thank you for convincing Paul that yes, even people with some residual vision can benefit from the partnership of a dog guide. Paul was thoroughly impressed, and I thank you for that. I didn't know what he would think because of his opinion of people with some vision working dogs. Thank you for showing him that dog guides can benefit everyone who chooses to work with dogs.

Don't worry about what Lukas thought about your WMU shirt. It was cute, and that's all that matters. You are adorable no matter if you wear the WMU shirt or not. Even if he thought it was silly that you were wearing it, everyone else thought it was cute, and that's all that matters. Lukas is only one person of thousands who saw you Wednesday night. Thank you for being cute and drawing people to us in the massive crowd.

Your work is something to be proud of. Keep on doing the wonderful job you are doing and know that I love you with all my heart.

Love,
Mom

Tue, 29 Jul 2008 00:26:58 GMT

Dear Miss Pepper,

I'm really sorry you don't like the new wallpaper on the monitor. I love the picture of the baby bats, and didn't expect you to put your paws on my desk and growl at it! I never knew you were such a critic! I'll get tired of it soon enough and change it again.

Love,
Mom

Tue, 29 Jul 2008 00:21:05 GMT

Dear Bentley (aka wrinkle butt),

I know you don't remember Jack-o kitty. You were very little when she got lost. However, you have to realize that Jack-o kitty is not Gytha kitty! Gytha loves to be slobbered on, sleeps with you, and is all around your kitty. Jack-o, unfortunately, prefers you not to come near her. I know you just want to love on her and play with her, but for the cat's sanity, and your poor scratched up nose, stop slobbering on Jack-o! I have to admit, though, it was extremely cute when you brought her your ~~gross slobbery~~ stuffed kirbit toy for her to play with. I know you don't feel it when she scratches your nose, or understand that hissing and fluffing is "go away" not "let's be bestest friends and play together!" but please, leave the kitty alone. I'll tell you this - she's most likely pregnant, and if she is we plan on keeping one. That will be your kitten (supervised, of course) to be your friend, who will hopefully love you like Gytha did. [My parents adopted Gytha from us. Bentley sleeps with her and cuddles whenever we visit her!]

Also, when Jack-o is on top of your crate, going inside it and looking up does not give you access to the cat. It is hillarious, though, keep looking!

Oh, and on the same note of note feeling scratches - you got stung, TWICE! And why? You were playing with a wasp, it stung you...and you didn't even notice, so it stung you again! Then you and Jack-o tag teamed it and sent it to waspy heaven. I'm grateful that you got rid of the wasp, since I'm allergic to wasp stings...but please, be more careful! Your nose looks horrible with cat scratches and two wasp stings, poor baby.

Love and belly rubs,
Your loving mommy

Why do you DO that?!?!

Sun, 27 Jul 2008 19:59:09 GMT

Dear Cleo,

I think it's really sweet that you like to lay on the floor next to my feet while I type at the computer, and today I can understand it even more than usual. I know training you to walk the basement steps is stressful, especially when daddy gets frustrated and impatient. I've talked to him about that, so hopefully it'll be less scary next time.

But, booger-butt? Why do you always have to point your tail end at me and fart when you lay here?

Not cool, Pooter!

Mum

Sun, 27 Jul 2008 18:28:15 GMT

Dear Poppy,

I know you miss your Daddy, he'll be home soon. Promise. In the meantime, a little room to breathe, please? It's hard to type like this.

-The temporary management

My Darling Foofie Foo,

Sat, 26 Jul 2008 07:41:42 GMT

I love you.
Do I tell you enough?

I mean, I know I do every single time I pet you.
Do I tell you enough how much of a good girl you are? And how you're sooo smart? I'm pretty good at adoring you aren't I.

Ever since you came into my life a year and some months ago I have devoted it to making you just as happy as you were making me. I hope I've succeeded in giving you a life you wouldn't have otherwise had with those other people.

I'm not writing to tell you not to chew my panties or to stop staring at me while I'm eating. Instead I will be more careful where I'm putting my panties and I will make sure to give you the last bite.

This is just to let you know, Foofie Woofer, my wonderful dog, pet, friend, companion, etc etc that I appreciate the life you've given me and look forward to many more walks, fetches, poops, disparaged stuff toys, squeaker malfunctions and any other Foof related shenanigans for years to come.

You're the most awesome dog ever!

♥
The one who's bed you think you own :)

the carpet is not your chew toy

Fri, 25 Jul 2008 14:20:53 GMT

dear smelly,
i dont know why you started chewing on my parents carpet in the family room yesterday...we're supposed to be house/dog sitting while they're out of town...we're supposed to take care of the house, not make it look worse than it did before they left! i cant believe what you did and i'm VERY disappointed in you! i thought you knew better!! we're only staying there til saturday afternoon and you better not mess with that carpet anymore!!!!!
i still love you...
love,
mommy

Dear Karma

Fri, 25 Jul 2008 06:08:54 GMT

Mommy fixed Mr. Bear.

Somehow she found the needles she never uses, and brown thread (to match Mr. Bear) and mended not only the hole in his back, but the new one in his armpit she didn't know about.

Please take it easy on him okay sweetie?

Dear Karma

Sat, 19 Jul 2008 18:35:52 GMT

Dear Karma,

I am so proud of your vet visit today. While I didn't go, daddy told me how you're a perfect weight, your teeth are amazingly clean and free of any decay, and you were a real trooper when they stuck that thermometer up your tush.

Maybe someday mommy can go to the vet's office with you, but right now whenever she thinks of that office, she thinks of her last visit there where they had to put down your step brother. Everyone there is fantastic and they treated Harley and mommy SO WELL and mommy wouldn't want you going anywhere else, but it still makes her cry a bit that less than a year ago she had to take Harley there to be put to sleep. I know you miss him too and he is in a better place now.

But you my sweetie - daddy got you from the pound so we don't even really know how old you really are other than "around 7" but you look amazing and still act like a puppy and apparently are in superb health. Thank you for being such a great dog and helping to fill that void in mommy's heart.

Sat, 19 Jul 2008 18:18:58 GMT

Hey Bentley.

First, I wanna tell you how proud of you I am. You're seven months old, but you behave like a grown-up dog in public. Do you know how many people told us what a good dog you are? You were amazing with that toddler. You let him take your toy and play with it, you let him pull on your lips and your tongue, and it was actually kind of silly when you ran under Mommy's chair when he screeched in that happy baby way. You are so amazing around kids and older people. I know that you get a little rough with guys and people my age and Mommy's age - we'll work on that, buddy. But I just wanted to tell you how many people didn't believe us when we told them that you're a puppy.

In the park? You actually went swimming on your own! Mommy and I were proud of you, bud. We know that it's a bit hard for you to swim, but you did good. Speaking of the park, I know you're not too terribly fond of the new head halter we bought for you, but I want you to understand that Mommy and I bought that because you're far too muscular for a harness. You'd pull me and Mommy all over the park. The halter's just for short walks, too. You get plenty of time to run around and be a goof without it.

And now, one last thing. I know we just brought a kitty home. I suppose you probably don't remember her, because you were small enough to fit inside my jacket the last time you saw that kitty. We lost her in February, when you were about two months old. We found her Thursday. You're about seven months old now. So it's been a while. Be nice to her. Please? We think she might be having kittens, so treat the kittens like you treated that toddler.

Much love,
Daddy