Dear Cat...

Dear Smokey,
You were not my kitty, but your Papi means a lot to me so I am writing this.
He loved you very much. He is so upset he didn't notice you weren't eating as much sooner.
He is convinced you were young, too young for anything like this to happen to and will not listen to me when I assure him you led a happy loved full life and 13 years is not exactly a kitten anymore, but he is beside himself with grief.
You died in your sleep, a few hours before your visit to the vet and your Papi is beating himself up over not being a spaz and taking you to a 24 hour place when your only symptom was getting skinny, not slowing down, being cranky, or being in pain.
He is so sad. He is hiding in the kitchen and crying over the grill.
And your daddy is a big, tough, fiery Irishman. He is so embarassed because you are gone and he is so completely lost.
I never met you, but I heard all about you. You were loved so much and I am sad I never got to give you skritches.
I'm going to be watching over your Papi for the next little while to make sure he is eating and sleeping, but if you could just give him a sign that makes him feel better I would really, really appreciate it.
<3 Your Daddy's coworker

When you ran away in February, we were pretty sure we'd never see you again. Do you know how many hours we spent, searching all over town for you? We looked everywhere.

And then we moved a month or so ago. Then we knew we'd never see you again.

So how is it that, on the one day we decide to go back and visit the town we used to live in, that we find you wandering around in the park? You've grown up so much that the only way we really knew it was you was your flea collar (I'm still amazed that it wasn't too tight - we bought that for you when you were a kitten) and the fact that you ran into Mommy's arms when she called your name. Your coat's changed so much, kitty!

I hope you like our new apartment. I know the dog is quite a bit bigger than you'd remember, but I can't help but laugh at the fact that you tapped him on the nose and now he hides between our legs when you come near. I do want to know what's up with your mood swings, though. Are you, as we fear, going to have little Jackos? We tried to feel your belly. Mommy thought she felt something, and then you bit her. I fed you treats and tried to feel your belly, and didn't feel anything. If you do have little baby Jackos, we'll keep them away from the dog, and then you're getting spayed.*

It is nice to have you snuggling up in bed with us again, though. I'm glad your grand 6-month adventure didn't seem to take too much of a toll on you - you're still fat, happy, and healthy (aside from the mood swings, but we'll work around that). It's good to have you home, kitty.

Much love,
Daddy

*She ran away before we were entirely certain that she was old enough to be spayed, which is why she's not.

( Daddy found pictures! )

Mew, Where in blue blazes did you hide that wad of cotton????
I had torn the house apart, looked in all your hidey-holes, and never found it. That is why I ended up force feeding you the hairball remedy.

Why didn't you just pull it out of hiding BEFORE mommy freaked out, and assumed you ate it? Then you wouldn't have been force fed! 

I can only assume you love the attention.

Love, 
your highly disgruntled, but relieved,  can opener

I know you're hurting and confused, but I'm very proud of you for being such a good girl for the vet. Being fixed sucks, as Inara or Kaylee could tell you, but you'll feel better soon, I promise. I love you very much, baby-girl.

snuggles and skritches
mom

Dear Ruby,

Happy Birthday. Now you're 2. Thank you for being so entertaining, purry and cuddly.

I've got  a treat or two for you.

Love
Mummy Cat

Dear Smokey

I wanted to watch a movie. Unfortunately, you decided to take notes from Simon's cat. No more treats for you



No Love

Dear Panda,

Boy, how is it that you are comfortable.  I look up and you are almost falling off the window ledge and your head is so twisted that there is no way you are comfortable but there you are, barely opening your eyes at me and continuing to lay a way that would just kink my entire body out of place.

Love the female two-legger

Ok, what is WRONG with you? Do you deeply desire to take a car ride stuffed into a carrier just to see the vet you truly adore? I know the answer is a resounding, claw digging "NO!" 
Then WHY do you insist on eating non food things? I realize you like chewing on nerf darts. Hence the reason they have been banned for about a year. So where did you find the one you were chewing on???
Also, I know I have given you Brewer's Yeast in the past. That does NOT mean you can try and steal the human sized ones. And that does not mean you may steal the cotton from the bottle. And that also means when I take the cotton from you, and bury it in the bottom of the garbage,  you sound NOT knock over the garbage can, steal the cotton, and then EAT it!! Not only did I get upset about the mess, but when I realized the *only* place the cotton could be was in your belly! The vet says it should go thru normally, like a giant hairball. BUT to make sure, I have to give you the hairball remedy stuff that you hate. Since you refuse to take it, I had to resort to drastic measures. 

THAT is the reason for pinning you down, and forcing the nasty stuff down your throat with a syringe. Trust me, It was just as unpleasant for me as for you. Pretending you're a turtle with your head tucked into your neather regions, will only result in more towel being applied. you *WILL* take this stuff!!!

Love,
the one covered in hairball remedy who spoiled you with treats afterwards. Please forgive me. 


PS to readers: I tried 3 different brands, even the one the vet carried, but he won't willingly take any. Anyone have any luck sneaking it to their cat? Mew takes the prized for "unpillable cat of the week". I didn't think cats were able to  wiggle like that! 

Dear Pheonix

Hey baby boy, you remember that chat we had a couple weeks back, about me not needing supervision in the toilet? Well that extends to not needing kitty in my pants! Seriously dude, when i'm sitting there doing my business, it is not ok for you to come in and try to climb in my pants! I would prefer to keep my jeans and undergarments free from your fur thankyou. This goes for you too Honey-Marie.

And while i'm chatting to you Honey, my pretty kitty, what is this sudden obsession you've developed for shower supervising? Is the toilet not enough for you? You made daddy freak out the other day when a cold little nose touched his leg while he was showering. And while it is cute that you poke your head around the curtain and try to give me kisses when i reach down for things like shampoo, you don't like water, you never have and probably never will, so when you try to do things like poke your head around the curtain while the shower is running, you will get wet and you won't like it. And no, it is not my fault when you sit outside the shower on the mat, and allow your tail under the curtain so that it gets soaked. That is your doing, not mine, so stop looking at me like I did it!

One more thing, pretty kitty, please try to be nicer to daddy. He thinks you don't like him because you never snuggle up to him or go to him for scritches like you do with me, and run away whenever he comes near you.

Love
The one who wishes she could, just once, use the toilet and bathroom alone!

Dear Kaylee,

I love you to bits. Your warmth and affection and "shiny!" outlook, and the fact that you love me so much that you want me to play with or cuddle you all the time have been a salve to my heart since I had to bid farewell to my dear Rogue.

But by Bast! First, the stuff on top of the counter and the printer and the top of my desk haven't changed in the last five seconds since you last climbed up there. Really. It hasn't.

I do need to work on my computer in peace occasionally, so when I place you on the floor for the tenth time, get it through your head that I can't have a lap full of cat right this second -- honestly, it's not a signal for you to start attacking my feet or face instead.

And, more importantly, I have enough sleep issues as it is without your new routine of running around the apartment, all over my bed, and chewing/biting me from about 5:45am onwards. I do not need a kitty alarm clock, especially one that is treating me like a chew toy! And my new CPAP machine is not a junior Cthulhu, either, so stop chewing on the breathing tube and my mask!

Srsly, cat, if you don't calm down, you're getting a muzzle and kitty Ritalin.


Love you best when you're not treating me like a karate class attack dummy,
Your sore and cranky mommy




p.s. Yes, I'm trying to gently train her out of this behavior. She was born feral or a barn cat, and was in a shelter for a few months, and now I've had her for almost 4 months. (she's approximately 10 mos. old.) She clearly loves being a house cat, but she is hyper. And I would love to have second cat for her to work her "energy issues" out with, but I can't get another cat right now. If anybody has suggestions, I'll take 'em all!

Dear Mocha,

I wish you and your sisters would not be soo skittish as to bolt at the sound of the doorbell. In your haste you managed to jar one of the food bowls, scattering the food on the kitchen floor. The other cats, upon returning when the coast was clear, ignored the spilled food for still bowl-contained food. You, my sweet little vacuum cleaner, in the past few hours have slowly made the kitchen floor food-free again. You even snagged the morsels that went under the kitchen cabinet recesses, either by pawing them out into the open, or reaching your head underneath (an even more impressive feat since you have no teeth to grip the food with).

Love,
Your lazy Dad who is glad he didn't have to sweep the kitchen floor tonight

Dear Captain, Morgan and Mogwai,

I love all of you very very much. My day is so much better when I wake up to warm furry bodies and purrs. But there's something that needs to be addressed as soon as possible, because this morning I came home with all of you crying like something was very very wrong.

You have a gravity feeder, the idea behind this is that as food is eaten, the food in the container falls down into your bowl. This makes sure I can have a smaller bowl so I don't trip on it, in the kitchen while still ensuring that all of you get the food you need. Now for some reason it doesn't work exactly perfectly and once you've eaten from the bowl you have to eat towards the back for food to fall down. The food is sitting there, you can reach it I know you can. But every time you see the bottom of the pink bowl you start yowling like you're dying because the food doesn't arrive without some form of effort.

I love all of you so much, but please god stop doing this. Waking up in the middle of my night with you yowling piteously in the living room makes me scared for you. TO find out you're just angry because the food hasn't fallen down yet makes mommy upset.

Love
Your sleep deprived
Mom

dear princeton (aka ginger kitty from next door)

my house is not your house. you live next door. therefore, when my back door is open to let the kitties who do live here come in and out, that is not an invitation for you to sneak in and steal their dinner. you get fed at your home, i know you do. and trying to race superfast out the door when i see you is not going to make believe you weren't in here. i know when you come into my yard i talk to you and give you pettin's and you are very friendly, but this is still not your home! your home is not that far, you just have to go out the gate, 2 metres to the right and in that gate. or just jump the fence. if you continue to try to steal food from the Fathead and the Buddha cat (aka pheonix and honey-marie), well i can't be held responsible for their actions.

the resident of the home you invaded

Why, yes, I am eating anchovies. And yes they are very nice. You, however, may not have any. They are my 'I feel like shit' snack and therefore do not extend to little brindle kitties. I know they smell really good - they're fishie and salty all at once! Hallejuah! But they're mine. Please stop wanting them.

Also, I would like to take this time to thank you, very much, for cleaning Ciggie's ears! He has truly funky ears, doesn't he? I don't know why he does but ever since you've been around his ears have been much cleaner. I will miss you for this reason alone if it turns out I miss you for nothing else. Please keep up the good work cleaning his ears.

No love but lots of affection
Foster Momma

Dear Lyre,

For you and your sister I have two soft kitty beds and two empty cardboard boxes. You also have anywhere in my apartment that you're allowed to go which is about 98% of it. So why on earth did you decide to lie down in the litter box?? I know I had just cleaned it, but in all my apartment that was your chosen place? You've never done that before! That also makes me a bit less inclined to want to cuddle you. At least you didn't stay in there long...

-the litter box cleaner

Buster,

When I am cleaning your litterbox, I do not need your help.

And by "help" I mean you jumping into the box and "protecting" what ever mess you've made in there. This isn't a game! Sissy has an important job to do!

So next time, please be on your best behavior. Or else we'll get out the video camera and send the tape to AFV.

Love,

She who cleans the boxes

P.S. - Sorry about the vacuum, little guy. But it's a necessary evil.

Dear cat-from-down-the-street-that-we-call-Whitey,
Please stop waltzing in front of the cars. Just because they go slow doesn't mean they can't hit you. Also love, no more stunts like you pulled the other day. Though, I'm pretty sure you gave the driver a good laugh once she realized that you rolled on your back in front of her van so it could give you scritches.

Love,
The girl and boy who always stop you pet you along the way.

P.S. Where's your bro, Orangey? Did those little ones up the street capture him finally for good? Poor cat.

Darling Kashira,

I love you madly, but honestly? My jewellery-making supplies are not edible.

Also? I got that particular styrofoam box for your toys specifically because the height of the sides is only three-quarters the height of your legs. You can and have climbed into it before to get hold of the particular ball or mousie you want. So I'm afraid that I just can't believe you when you tell me you can't get into it now.

Love,

She Who Provides The Toys

Dear Cookie,

I know that the past decade here has been hard. I understand that naming a strapping tom like you 'Cookie' was somewhat shortsighted, but at the time you were an adorable little fuzzball - the runt of the litter, no less - your name in the shelter was Percy, my mother was/is insane and I was eleven. We have apologised and you have many alternative nicknames, so please let it go and consider the following:

- Much as we admire your optimism and determination, you are still, and will always be, lactose intolerant. Please bear this in mind when we're trying to make cheese sandwiches.

- It has been ten years since anybody has walked around upstairs in bare or socked feet, thanks to your addiction to attacking feet in the dark. It is painful but, much worse, heart-stopping. Please stick to silently stalking prey and not limbs. Going to the bathroom at night requires shoes. It is a hassle.( Ten years of trouble... )