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He's Not Heavy, He's My Boggart
Title: He's Not Heavy, He's My Boggart
Author name: mousapelli
Pairing: Sirius/Remus, a bit of James/Lily
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: nothing really, good old buttsex and voyuerism
Disclaimer: Not mine.
Summary: Remus is forced to do his Boggart lesson apart from the other Gryffindors, and his Boggart gives James more blackmail material than should be legal. How far will Remus go to keep Sirius from finding out what's he's most afraid of?
A/N: Woo, I'm number two! Mine's too long for a single post, so i'll be putting up part II in a second. My challenges were: 50 (the Marauder's Map tells one boy exactly what another thinks of him... ), 18 (The boys get their hands on an illegal magical item), and 25 (The boys have to face a boggart in their DADA class). Thanks to musesfool, who helped me prune the rampant plot and let me ramble on about the upward struggle with Remus.

He's Not Heavy, He's My Boggart

"Sorry you have to do this lesson over with me," Remus said, tapping his wand against his thigh as they walked down the hallways to the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom. "McGonagall thought I might incriminate myself in front of everyone."

"No worries," James shrugged. They reached the classroom door, and he pulled it open and motioned Remus through. "I didn't get to have a go during class anyhow." They stepped into the classroom, deserted except for the Defense professor and a large Boggart case.

"Just as well!" Professor Eneffle greeted them, standing up from his desk. "You should never tackle a Boggart alone. If it manages to hit just the right nerve, even the best wizard can freeze up at the wrong moment."

Professor Eneffle left his desk to walk over to the Boggart case and began fiddling with the locks. As Remus and James made their way through the rows of desks, Remus reflected that he rather enjoyed Eneffle, a decent guy really, and he'd be sad to see him go. He remarked as much quietly to James.

"Never know," James grinned, "maybe he'll make it the whole year after all, break the curse." Remus and he caught eyes for a moment before both started snickering.

"All set, boys, all set!" Eneffle called, waving them closer, oblivious to their exchange. "Ready to give her a whirl?"

Shifting his grip on his wand, Remus glanced at James and nodded. Professor Eneffle threw open the cabinet door and stepped back. Something wriggled in the depths of the cabinet before a long-limbed, dark-haired teenager clambered out to stand in front of a dumbfounded pair of Marauders.

"Moony!" Sirius Black bellowed, "You know what would be really great? If we spent every waking moment together!"

Remus made a strangled noise and backed up a step.

"I mean it, just think of it!" Sirius continued, approaching Remus with a coaxing smile. "Everywhere you go, I'll be right there! Standing as close to you as possible! We'll even breathe the same air!"

Remus' trance was broken by James' roar of laughter, but he hadn't so much as lifted his wand yet when the Boggart, distracted by the noise, turned to James and abruptly changed into Madam Pomfrey reporting earnestly that James was too hurt to play in the final Quidditch match for the season.

James, face bright red, lifted his wand to squeeze off a breathless "Riddikulus!" Madam Pomfrey immediately changed back to Sirius, who announced that he'd written some poetry about how Remus would never be alone even for a moment ever again.

Glaring at James, who was by now doubled over laughing, Remus snarled a hasty Riddikulus of his own at the Boggart, but his heart wasn't in it and the best he could manage was to give Sirius a pair of lime green leather trousers. Sirius peered at himself for a moment before the grin returned.

"Moony!" He tossed his hair and winked. "Isn't green your favorite color?"

James gave an enormous whoop and toppled over onto the ground. Remus was too flustered to come up with anything funnier to turn the Boggart into, so Professor Eneffle stepped in to deliver the final blow. Turning its attention to the Professor, the Boggart changed briefly into a writhing pile of Devil's Snare before tangling itself into a hopeless knot, and then exploding in a flash of light.

Leaving the Professor staring at one student who was practically choking with embarrassment, and another who was convulsing on the floor.

"Right then," Eneffle said, "not a bad go really. Potter, you in particular seemed to have things under control from a humor perspective. Lupin…er…you know it's a bit ironic…"

Remus glared, and Eneffle seemed to think better of whatever comment he was going to make. Grabbing Remus' arm for leverage, James staggered back to his feet, swaying a bit and still chortling.

"Well, unpredictable buggers," Eneffle blustered hurriedly. "Never can tell with them, that's what makes them dangerous, excellent work both of you, off with you, go on!"

James was still snickering helplessly when they were halfway back to the dormitory. Every time it seemed like he'd got a hold of himself, he'd glance over at Remus and start up all over again, gasping things like "every waking moment!" and "poetry!".

"Listen James," Remus finally said, "you aren't going to tell Sirius about this, right?"

"Course I am!" James managed, wiping tears from his eyes. "You should've seen your face, mate, your eyes were big as Quaffles!"

"No!" Remus grabbed the front of James' robes and gave him a good shake. "Listen to me, you can't tell him!"

"S'funny!" James protested and Remus shook James until his teeth rattled.

"Not funny!" Remus roared. "He's going to sulk and be unreasonable about the whole thing and he'll make that face, the one like when you shut the window on his owl, and…and…" Remus took a calming breath and reminded himself that James only responded to things that affected him directly. "What's it worth to you?"

"Something like this?" James tugged his robes out of Remus' hands and dusted himself off, suddenly all business. "It's going to cost you big. Let's say…any magical favor I want, any time I want."

"Just the one?" Remus asked dubiously. Grinning malevolently, James assured him he'd save his favor until something suitable came up, and despite serious misgivings, Remus had no choice but to agree and shake on it.

They ran into Peter in the common room, and James stopped to brag about how he'd single-handedly offed the Boggart, with all the relevant details edited out. With no urge to dwell on the humiliating lesson, Remus left James and Peter behind and trudged up to their dormitory, where he found Sirius sprawled lazily across his bed, leafing through a Quidditch magazine. He looked up when the door shut behind Remus and grinned.

"How'd it go?" he asked, patting the space beside him. "Was your Boggart incriminating after all?"

"You could say that," Remus replied, dragging himself over to flop on his back beside Sirius. "I don't want to talk about it, really."

"What a coincidence." Sirius tossed his magazine to the floor and tugged Remus underneath him. Wrapping arms around his neck, Remus was all too happy to let Sirius cut off any further conversation.

Remus felt the tension drain out of his body and went limp against the pillows, sighing as Sirius' lips trailed down his neck. When Sirius undid his robes and began flicking open the buttons on his shirt, Remus had already nearly forgotten about his Boggart and his deal with James. In fact, with Sirius' broom-calloused palms trailing over his skin, Remus was having trouble remembering his own name.

Suddenly the door slammed open, startling Remus and Sirius so badly that Sirius tumbled off the bed.

"I can't BELIEVE her!" James shouted, storming into the room, Peter trailing behind and looking entirely too amused. ""Do you even KNOW what she…oh for Merlin's sake, can't you two contain yourselves for five minutes!"

"This had better be good, James," Remus growled, jerking his robes closed and willing his heart rate to slow. Sirius climbed back on the bed, rubbing his elbow and grumbling something nowhere near as charitable.

"SHE BROKE UP WITH ME!" James roared.

Sirius and Remus exchanged a dark glance, then Remus heaved himself to a sitting position with a sigh. Sirius, being the concerned best mate that he was, informed James that he had exactly two minutes to explain himself. Peter sat on James' bed to watch the fun.

In short order, James related that Lily had come into the common room, interrupted the tale of Boggart heroism, got into a huge row with James, and then dumped him before storming up to her room.

"But who CARES?!" Sirius interrupted. "You've been saying all week that you were sick of Evans anyway! You were going to break up with her!"

"I was not!" James said in tones of deep scandal.

"You were so! You said you were sick of her citing rules at you all the time!"

"You said that she insulted your Quidditch prowess," Remus agreed.

"And you said she won't put out, either," Peter added.

"I never!" James declared. "And don't talk about my girlfriend like that!"

"She isn't your girlfriend," Peter reminded. James threw himself down on his bed and punched Peter hard in the arm. "You should've seen it!" Peter told Remus and Sirius with a grin, pushing James off. "Lily laid right into him and tore him a new one! She ripped him apart! She…"

"THAT'S ENOUGH!" James snarled, giving Peter a kick. "Just whose side are you on here?!"

"She was amazing," Peter concluded. "I've never seen a breakup like it!"

"It's only a temporary situation," James informed him through gritted teeth. "Remus, it seems I'll be calling in that favor earlier than I thought."

"Favor?" Sirius asked.

"What do you want me to do about it anyway?" Remus said quickly, giving Sirius a nervous glance. "It took you six years to get one chance with her!"

"I don't know, think of something!" James ordered.

"How about you think of something!" Sirius interrupted loudly. "And how about you do it somewhere else, and take Wormy with you! You may be on the outs with Evans, but some of us were about to get some before you barged in here."

"I'll bet you were the one getting it," James grumbled, "you utter bottom."

The tips of Sirius' ears turned red, but he won the staring contest and James crawled off his bed and slunk out of the room, ordering Peter along.

"What do you owe James a favor for?" Sirius asked when they were gone.

"Prefect business, nothing important." Remus twiddled with a fold in Sirius' robes. "Don't worry about it."

"I know better than to try and get a straight answer out of you," Sirius snorted. He leaned in against Remus to pick up where they'd left off, kissing him firmly and urging his lips apart. Remus relaxed again in spite of himself, half expecting the door to come slamming open at any moment. He stroked Sirius' tongue lazily with his own and slipped hands into Sirius' robes to brush against his chest. Sirius pulled away with a smirk and Remus gazed up at him from under half-closed eyelids.

"I'll just ask James about it later," Sirius grinned. Remus ground his teeth and nearly shoved Sirius back off the bed, but then thought he'd better get as much sex in as possible before James blew his secret wide open.

James always had been crap at keeping secrets from Sirius.

"I know what I want from you," James announced to Remus the next night, pulling Remus aside after the Prefects' meeting. Remus, who had been laughing to himself about several terse barbs that Lily had got in during the meeting, sobered immediately.

"You know already?" he asked warily. "Don't you want to think it over some more? For several months, perhaps?"

"No," James answered, "because I'm crap at keeping secrets from Sirius and I want my favor. Here."

He handed Remus a folded up paper, and Remus cringed at the jagged edge that no doubt matched a hapless library book. Unfolding the paper and smoothing it out, Remus recognized it as a potion recipe and several of the ingredients as highly questionable.

"James, some of these ingredients…" Remus narrowed his eyes as he finished reading the list and flipped the paper over to see the title. "In fact this whole potion is illegal!"

"It is not!" James protested. "And how would you know anyway, do you go around memorizing illegal spells? Fucking Prefect."

"You tore this right out of 1037 Useful Yet Illegal Love and Lust Potions!" Remus exclaimed. When James started to protest, Remus jabbed a finger at the heading on the page, which clearly announced the title of the book in large print. "Illegal! Right there!"

"Damn, should've torn that off as well," James swore. "Look, do you want me to tell Sirius? No? Then looks like you're brewing useful yet illegal potion number 419! And look sharp about it, I don't fancy any more meetings where Evans announces that my eleven-inch wand is overcompensation."

"James," Remus gave the recipe a skeptical look, "do you really think this is going to change Lily's entire attitude about you?"

"It's designed for that exact purpose. If you do it right," James gave Remus the Eye, "it'll be powerful enough to make Sirius write love poetry for Snivellus…" James started to snicker, "…sorry, Sirius writing love poetry, bloody hell that was funny…"

It took James a week with the Invisibility Cloak to get all the ingredients that he couldn't owl away for. He had the worst time with the Cuddling Brambles, and Remus hoped he'd have to change his mind after he couldn't procure them, but on the third try, James returned from the Forbidden Forest triumphant, yet not as jubilant as one might have expected.

"Bloody centaurs," he grumbled, slipping off the cloak and dropping a crumpled packet on Remus' bed. Several crumbling leaves fell out of his sleeve as well. "Think they know everybody's business."

Eyeing the packet, Remus reluctantly asked what James was on about now.

"I was doing perfectly fine on my own!" James exclaimed while he was stripping off his torn and mud-stained clothes. "And this stupid centaur waltzes up and gives me that!"

"A centaur? Are you sure?" Remus asked, eyebrows raising. "Why would a centaur help you get ingredients for an illegal love potion?"

"I should think I could recognize a centaur when I see one!" James snapped. He reached down to scratch at a rather frightening rash on his left leg. "I don't know why! I asked, but he just spouted some rubbish about destiny, said even the stars need help sometimes, or some tripe like that."

Disregarding James' ridiculous ramblings without too much thought, Remus reluctantly set to work on the potion, drafting Peter into service for most of the brewing. They used a strange room on the third floor that Sirius had discovered while prowling about, although it always took a bit of searching to find the doorway.

"You really owe James something big, don't you?" Peter asked after several nights' work, while they were dicing lovebird feathers. Remus grunted. He almost sliced his finger off completely when Peter said "Sirius was your Boggart, wasn't he?"

"Wha?!" Remus looked as neutral as he could with a bleeding finger stuck in his mouth. "Ah oon't oh ut our alking a out."

"I knew it!" Peter's eyes twinkled triumphantly. "Give over, Moony, it was right after that extra Boggart session that you went all funny, you've been letting Sirius get away with murder ever since, like you're afraid of him pulling a Lily. The Boggart didn't break up with you, did it? In front of the professor? Cause that would be…" Peter started snickering, "that would be awful."

"No, the Boggart didn't break up with me!" Remus snapped, examining his finger. Unfortunately, he didn't seem likely to bleed to death any time soon. "And I don't want to talk about it!" He paused for a moment. "You worked all that out on your own?"

"Mostly," Peter shrugged, grinning. "Plus James is crap at keeping secrets from Sirius."

"So I've gathered," Remus answered sourly. "He'd better keep this one, or this potion is going right over his head, and then I'm giving him to Snape as an early Christmas present."

Just then the potion turned a revolting shade of fuchsia and began emitting heart-shaped bubbles which wafted up into the air for several feet before drifting back down over them.

"Fuck," Remus said, scooting out of the way and dragging Peter with him. "Don't touch them!"

"What, isn't it supposed to look like that?" Peter asked, peering at the directions.

"No, that's exactly what its supposed to look like," Remus said grimly. "Here, give me your mirror."

Peter dug the small mirror out of his pocket and handed it to Remus. Palming it, Remus breathed over the glass and said "Prongs", then waited for a moment, watching Peter pop the heart bubbles with the tip of his wand. A clear note, like clinking crystal glasses together for a toast, sounded each time one popped, and Peter laughed every time.

"It's ready," a very surly Remus announced when James' face finally appeared in the mirror. "Bring something to dip in it, unless you think you can convince Lily to let you pour strange goo on her skin. She'll have to hold onto it for at least a few minutes."

James pondered this for a moment, then his face cleared.

"I've got just the thing!" he said. "Don't go anywhere, I'll come to you."

Just before the mirror went blank, Remus saw James look over his shoulder and call "Oi, Padfoot!" With a sigh, Remus handed the mirror back to Peter and prepared himself for an invasion of Potter and Black. Peter was still at it with the bubbles, and Remus popped a few himself to pass the time, very careful not to get any of the gunk on himself.

A little while passed before the door thudded open behind them, and Remus caught the end of Sirius' sentence.

"…right bloody here the whole time, you must've walked right by it twice at least! Wotcher, Moony, Wormtail."

"Wotcher, Sirius," Remus replied, not turning around. He blinked when a red rose was thrust in front of his face from above, and felt his cheeks grow warm. "Oh, Padfoot, that's…" he tilted his head back to see James grinning down at him, "…I see."

"You complete girl," James snickered, and Sirius punched him in the shoulder.

"Shove off, you're the one prancing about with a flower," Sirius said, throwing himself down onto the ground beside Remus and leaning over to ruffle his hair. He examined the potion, letting his arm fall casually across Remus' shoulders, and watched Peter exploding bubbles for a moment before rolling his eyes. Remus returned his attention to James and his flower.

"Is that rose going to last long enough for this?" Remus asked.

"Got a quality Preservation Charm on," James assured, "it'll last forever. Do I just dip it in?"

Remus paused, seriously considering calling this whole thing to a halt…but as he was inhaling the air to do it, Sirius began rubbing his thumb over the spot where Remus' neck met his shoulder, smoothing out the tension gathered there.

"Yes," Remus sighed instead. "Get the whole thing in and let it seep overnight, but don't get any of it on your skin."

Remus watched with fatalistic detachment as James dropped the rose into the cauldron, then pulled a handkerchief out of his pocket and nudged most of the stem under.

"This is perfect," James said, "I've got a Head Couple meeting tomorrow, we can pick it up right before and it'll still be fresh!"

Meanwhile, Peter was still popping bubbles with abandon, and the noise was beginning to grate on Remus' nerves.

"Knock it off, Wormy!" Sirius ordered. "Besides, it's more fun to do it like this."

Sirius leaned forward suddenly and stuck out his tongue. Remus shouted "No don't…!" and tried to yank him back, but he was too late, and a large fuchsia heart landed squarely on Sirius' tongue. It balanced for a breathless moment before exploding with a cheerful tinkling.

"…touch it." Remus finished.

Sirius sat back, looking a bit dazed, and Remus asked if he was all right. Sirius stared at him blankly for a moment before his fingers pressed tighter into Remus' shoulders, and Remus actually saw his pupils dilate.

"I think," Remus swallowed, flicking a glance towards the other marauders, "that you two might want to leave. Now."

"But…" James protested.

Sirius ran the tip of his tongue over his upper lip.

"RIGHT NOW!" Remus ordered. He heard some scuffling, but didn't look, not even when the door slammed. He couldn't tear his gaze away from Sirius' eyes, which were dilating still further, until his irises were only grey rings around the edges.

Sirius lunged for Remus suddenly, and Remus grunted as his shoulder blades slammed painfully into the floor underneath him. He caught sight of the cauldron out of the corner of his eye, a little too close for comfort, and could only imagine the carnage that would occur if they knocked the whole thing over. Remus wasn't sure if one could actually be fucked to death, but he had the sinking suspicion that if he didn't get Sirius away from the cauldron he might find out.

Remus began trying to subtly ease Sirius in a safer direction. When that didn't work, he shoved Sirius hard enough to send him sprawling over onto his back away from the danger zone. Remus rolled over and followed him closely, cursing as his knees dug into the floor.

"What this room needs is some fucking cushions," Remus spat, collapsing gratefully onto Sirius, whose head might be thick but whose body was certainly softer than the floor.

"Maybe just some fucking." Heat lit up Sirius' eyes just before he rolled Remus over again, apparently bent on being on top for once. Remus braced himself for another impact, and was surprised to come to a rest on something soft.

"Were these cushions here before?" Remus asked, stretching his neck to get a better look on the large pillows on which he was laying.

"Don't care, shut up, no clothes!" Sirius announced, rucking Remus' robes up and out of his way. Laughing and trying to fend off Sirius long enough to actually undo his buttons properly, Remus finally managed to free himself of the tangled fabric while Sirius was occupied undoing his trousers.

They continued to wrestle for dominance as Remus helped Sirius peel off his own clothes, getting in each other's way more than helping, until there was nothing separating skin from smooth, hot skin. Remus more than half suspected that some of the lust potion had made its way into his mouth from Sirius', and also into the crease of his neck and over one nipple. And…

"Oh god," Remus whined as Sirius' tongue drew a tingling spiral on the underside of his cock. "Christ, Padfo…hunh…oh, if you're going to fuck me, you…hehhhh…you'd better…Padfoot, where the hell did you get that?"

Remus blinked sweat out of his eyes to be sure, but when they cleared Sirius was still crouching between his legs, holding up a tube of lubricant.

"Dunno," Sirius said, flipping the cap off, completely heedless of where on the floor it rolled off to. "Don't care."

And then a slick finger was pushing inside Remus and he didn't really care either, he was only vaguely glad that they'd tried switching positions once on a whim a few weeks ago because the last thing Remus needed was to lose the vestigial traces of his virginity while Sirius was hopped up on a lust potion he'd brewed for James to dose Lily with.

Although, for somebody who purportedly was hopped up on a lust potion, Sirius was sure taking his sweet time with the preparation.

"Stop pissing about down there," Remus growled, pushing against Sirius' fingers, "and just get on with it!"

"You're an awfully pushy bottom," Sirius said, sliding his fingers out and stroking his own cock a few times.

"I'm not a bottom at all," Remus informed him. "I'm merely secure enough in my dominance to let you have a go once in while." Sirius smirked at him and gave a few more strokes, making Remus snarl in frustration. "Now you're doing it on purpose! Inside now!"

Sirius' eyes lit up and he dropped his hand immediately, as if that was what he'd been waiting for all along. Remus would've teased about topping from the bottom if Sirius hadn't finally been pushing his cock into Remus, working his way inside with a series of shallow thrusts.

"Oh hell," Sirius breathed, and Remus was entranced by the way sweaty strands of dark hair were falling into his eyes, and how the corners of his eyes were crinkled in concentration. "Bloody fuck, Moony, fuck yes…"

"Harder," Remus ordered, a whine slipping out of his throat when Sirius complied. Remus wrapped his legs around Sirius' waist to force him closer and let his head fall back against the cushions, Sirius' stream of rough obscenities washing over him. He arched when Sirius wrapped a hand around his cock and fisted him, the skin of his cock tingling under Sirius palm.

"Want you to come," Sirius announced, and Remus cracked an eye to find him staring down at Remus imperiously. Remus dug his heels into the small of Sirius' back, driving him in deeper.

"You come," Remus ordered, and Sirius obeyed immediately, his clenching hand driving Remus over the edge only a few moments after.

Sirius was still leaning over Remus as he came down, both of them taking open-mouthed gulps of air. Remus realized slowly that the tingling in certain places hadn't faded, and after flexing his legs a little, sensed that Sirius was still a-tingle as well.

"You're still hard." Sirius wrinkled his brow, giving Remus' cock an experimental squeeze.

"Some of us had lust potion applied directly to our bits," Remus reminded him. He flexed several other muscles. "Good thing too, as you seem to be ready to go again…"

Several hours later, Sirius was sprawled bonelessly across Remus' chest, showing no signs of imminent movement. His back looked smooth and perfect in the warm light of several dozen candles flickering around the edges of the room, and Remus was far too shagged out to even think about where they'd come from.

"I'm never moving again," Sirius reported.

"Good," Remus answered, twisting pieces of Sirius' hair around his fingers lazily, "because I'm fairly sure we're actually glued together by a combination of sweat, lube, come, and lust potion."

"A crude yet effective adhesive," Sirius yawned. "We should market it, make millions. We could call it 'Stuck On You'. You're really going to let James give this stuff to Evans?"

"First of all, Lily isn't going to ingest it," Remus said, giving one strand of hair a little yank, "unlike some people who were told specifically not to touch it." Sirius harrumphed. "Secondly, it won't be near this…er, effective after it's simmered overnight. It'll just be a plain attraction potion by tomorrow. And thirdly, nice try."

Sirius said nothing, and Remus might have assumed that he'd expired if it wasn't for the warm breath brushing his collarbone every few seconds. Reluctantly, Remus' thoughts turned to cleaning up the potion supplies and returning to their dormitory, which seemed miles away.

"You're thinking about moving," Sirius accused. "Stop it."

Remus gave a little sigh and resolved to heave himself off the floor, but as he was preparing to tense some muscles, Sirius pressed a lazy kiss to the hollow above his collarbone and all of his initiative evaporated. Remus told himself that he'd only doze for a bit before he got up, and his eyes were just fluttering shut when he had a thought.

"Padfoot," he murmured, "where did James get that rose?"

"Me," Sirius answered sleepily. "Patch of 'em…outside greenhouse one…brought it in f'you…" Sirius gave a little snore as punctuation.

"You complete girl," Remus laughed, nuzzling Sirius' hair.

on to part II