It turns out there are Two Types of Programmers

Programmers like me.

and

Programmers who aren't like me.

Programmers who are like me are agile, read blogs and write high level technical discussions, and constantly talk about their latest top secret project (often in cryptic terms). Programmers who are like me have to use my favourite language because otherwise they obviously aren't thinking correctly.

Programmers who aren't like me are stupid and use bad software and methods. Where I would use a pattern well and elegantly, these men see it as a rubber stamp. You can assign rough statistics on this but it depends how awesome I am, so somewhere between 80% and 95% of people aren't awesome enough.

Now, I have this excellent idea on how to sort a list - permuting sort. It may not run very efficiently, but it's pretty short in my language of choice.

whilst not bl_L_cmp_sorted(list) { list.shuffle! }

You can see that the list is checked to be sorted using a boolean list operator, that uses comparisons from the naming scheme. Other programmers would simply try and do the obvious list.sort, but you could get ascending and decending mixed up. The name of the function in the above makes it clear what is happening.

Did I mention my Top Secret Project recently? It's amazing and will revolutionise programmers lifes everywhere. Hackers of the world unite! You have nothing to lose but your parenthesis! (Don't worry, you won't actually lose them).

It will have dynamic typing, static typing, prototypes, classes, macros, message passing, actor models, regular expressions, closures, coroutines, generators, super loops, quantum operators, and more.

It will be more abstract than Haskell, more reflective than lisp, better text processing than perl, less builtins than smalltalk, less enterprise than java, more infix operators than forth, and absolutely nothing to do with php.

In essence it will be the following: Writing dialect of C in scheme.

Thus it will contain C style macros (unhygenic, of course), ++,-- and using = for assignment. Next up will be an equivilent for foo[x]. String handling is and always will be for wimps.

Hello,

You might remember me from large scale software products of the 90's. Yes, *that* spreadsheet. I'm here to tell you how good we are, so good in fact that you should do the same thing.

Here are out company, we rate people on how closely they are to us. However, this tower of babel is a false belief, as you can never be as good as we are. Fred Brooks loves me. As a successful software vendor in my own right, what I did was not only the right but the most correct and only way to be successful. Copy me, I am your God.

You see, I once worked in a Bakery, code and bread are very similar in fact. Coders and Bakers share many traits in common, and as I have learned both Perl and Yeast it is incredibly obvious how creative and interesting our jobs are. My one success is one more than you will ever have.

p.s. buy my stuff.