Metaquotes

One man's blind rage over Trojan's misguided marketing campaign

Sun, 12 Jul 2009 15:14:19 GMT

flemco has some choice words about th Trojan2Go campaign. (QWP)

I keep seeing ads for the new Trojan 2 Go campaign.

It makes me laugh until I want to cry.

The whole gimmick is that Trojan is now putting out condoms in hard plastic containers that, and I am not making this up, you can take with you - ANYWHERE!

Yes. Because up until now, the problem with condoms has been portability.

I want to know several things.

First, I want to know what idiot savant came up with this. What dude in Trojan marketing woke up one day and said: "EUREKA! I know why our sales aren't as good as they could be! Condoms are so difficult to carry with you! It's not like they fit in a pocket, or a purse, or a wallet, or a shirt pocket, or a glove compartment, or a nightstand! By god, they're so cumbersome!"

Secondly, I want to know what fat fucking weasel idiot at Trojan heard the first guy's pitch and gave it the greenlight. What totally inept douchebag at Trojan heard this retard's idea and nodded and said "By God, you're 100% correct! The problem with condoms today is that they just... well, they just aren't easy to carry! We need to get this over to R&D right the fuck now!!! God bless you, you mad genius, you!" And then they presumably ordered out for chinese food, gold plated cocaine and Thai rent boys.

Here's an idea, you fucking shitbirds: make condoms that are more sensitive and protect the users from STDs and pregnancy better. There's an idea. Sink that cash into making a condom that feels like nothing at all to either partner and does a better job than they already do. If I wanted a condom that I can carry with me easily, anywhere I want to go, that I can remove from the package and use as soon as it's needed, then YOU ALREADY FUCKING MAKE THAT YOU GODDAMNED AAAAAAAAARGHHGGGHGHHHARGHBLGARBHL-- [no carrier]

Sun, 12 Jul 2009 06:47:19 GMT

</a></b></a>horrormirth has discovered some new things about the world from an online roleplayer:

"Your character’s injury means she deserves to be showered with attention and constantly pitied. After all, it is a tremendous horror and foundation-shaking tragedy for entire communities when anyone breaks their leg. Also, it is totally appropriate for her to emo and angst about having to use crutches for a few weeks in front of her attending physician. Who happens to be Greg fucking House.

Scars make girls ugly and less loveable. It is completely logical for a woman who grew up in World War II-era France to believe this. After all, during that time period, everyone had perfectly healthy flawless bodies and no chance of injury, amirite?

The most notable thing about Mystique of X-Men fame is that she’s blue. Except for thinking that Magneto is a bit of an egotistical poopoohead, she has no other defining characteristics or personality traits. Nope. Blue is all there is to it.

[...]

Lara Croft may be an archeologist, but this is obviously a ceremonial title. Instead of with fascination, curiosity, or even confusion, her logical reaction to displaced classical Greeks loudly inquiring about their homelands is to bitch at them for daring disturb her coffee time.

And last but not least: In addition to being a Jedi master, Yoda is an alcoholic! (This does explain how he managed to mistake Batman for Darth Vader.)"

Context has another couple of lessons that we all must learn. Flocked but QWP.

Hail to the bad roleplayers!

duckgirlie and themistoklis riffs on grammar.

Sat, 11 Jul 2009 22:59:26 GMT

duckgirlie Some people think bad grammar is sexy. Split your infinitives, bitch. You know what that does to me.

themistoklis Don't be stingy with those apostrophes, either. I've been waiting all week.

duckgirlie No gerunds before marriage. I'm still a lady.

themistoklis I'm saving myself. Please, don't tempt me with dangling modifiers.

duckgirlie And tuck your ellipses away, this is a family place.

themistoklis The neighborhood hasn't been the same since people started using run-on sentences.

duckgirlie You can barely go anywhere without people shoving their nominal clauses in your face.

themistoklis These kids and their comma splices baffle me.

duckgirlie And ampersands on TV before 9pm. Disgraceful.

themistoklis Asterisks all over the place. 'Footnotes'? Is that what they're calling it these days?

duckgirlie In my day, anything with a semi colon was kept in brown paper behind the till.

themistoklis You used to have to be twenty-one to get your hands on a tilde.

duckgirlie Now it's inverted commas everywhere you look.

themistoklis People are throwing carats around like they're nothing.

duckgirlie And would it kill them to cover their guillemets up?

themistoklis Honestly, people need to learn to bracket themselves.

duckgirlie Or else there'll be underscores everywhere, and we all know where that leads.

themistoklis All these umlauts make me uneasy.

duckgirlie You can barely tell what's a dieresis any more.

themistoklis I fear the slash has pushed the solidus into extinction.

duckgirlie And all these youngsters getting their interrobangs out for the cameras.

themistoklis Not to mention the hipster wannabes trying to drag out the irony mark again.

duckgirlie Time was when even a hyphen came with a warning label. Now you're lucky if you see one
on a geresh.

themistoklis People just don't care anymore. Now you're getting pilcrows from little kids, even.

duckgirlie I know. And solisuses all over the place. Shocking.

themistoklis All this blatant use of daggers is a sure sign of societal decline.

duckgirlie In my day, we knew what whitespace was, and we respected it. But these kids today...
Woudn't know kerning if it walked up and slapped them.

themistoklis Nobody holds any regard for serifs anymore, either. They can't be bothered to go that extra step to give their fonts some class.

duckgirlie And all these new fonts just popping up all over the place. Anything more then TNR and I start to feel dirty.

themistoklis Available for free all over the place. There should be restrictions on these things.

duckgirlie Don't I know it. I go looking to replace some broken helvetica and suddenly I'm up to my
eyes in wingdings. Disgraceful.

themistoklis It's a crying shame, the way handwritten fonts are thrown around these days. Aren't we trying to be clear and legible, here?

duckgirlie I can see their pen strokes

themistoklis All those loops and whorls, really, for shame.

duckgirlie And the elongated tails. I don't know where to look.

Locked but QWP Context is grammar and the curious presence of bees in excerpt from Gloria Vanderbilt's new erotic novel.

Take it!

Sat, 11 Jul 2009 22:28:20 GMT

qaffangyrl discusses Russel T. Davies and Joss Whedon

RTD is no Joss Whedon. However, they apparently both seem to think they're in an S/m relationship with their fans. It's as if they think we're all strapped to St Andrews crosses begging "please Sir. My I have another!"

Unlocked but QWP Context contains spoilers for Torchwood Children of Earth

Aaaaaughibbrgubugbugrguburgle

Sat, 11 Jul 2009 21:33:23 GMT

caelum Is dealing with ~~Murlocs~~ customers who stuff things in their mouth.

"Your name, sir?"

"WHARRRRGARBL."

"A fine Scandinavian name. Is that three Rs or four?"

QWP, Context is poking Baby Murlocs.

clockworktomato is asked about marscapone

Sat, 11 Jul 2009 18:59:49 GMT

It is like the dreamily-whipped tears of gently-spanked virgins.

Context has a food fetish.

"Status: Looking at Trees!"

Sat, 11 Jul 2009 13:39:43 GMT

docmanhattan comments on a dubious metaphorical claim in ads for Coleman camping gear:

You didn't really invent "social networking" either. Camping can be social, but it's the exact opposite of a network. If there were a trail in the woods where I would randomly run into people from my past, who would then shout what they were doing every so often, believe me when I say: I would not hike that trail.

Context has a friendslist carved into an old oak.

albadore on definitions.

Fri, 10 Jul 2009 21:29:34 GMT

Astigmamatatism: Not being able to clearly see that everyone hates you because you have holes in your hands.

Context is a recovering Catholic.

Fri, 10 Jul 2009 20:40:15 GMT

Poor wookiewife is pleading with her girly bits here: (locked post, copied with permission) http://wookiewife.livejournal.com/964499.html

Dear Female Reproductive System,

I am begging you, on my hands and knees now, please just do something. Either clean out or let me know that you're harboring a stow-away. I cannot handle this anymore.

You don't call, you don't write, you don't show up when you say you will. It's been two months since I've seen you. I've checked wit EPT, but they say that you're just being tempermental. Did I do something to hurt your feelings? I apologize if I did, I'll bake you some brownies (with nuts!)... just please come back. Or at least send me a text to let me know what's going on.

Most sincerely,
~me~

On natural design

Fri, 10 Jul 2009 19:15:54 GMT

ursulav was visiting her local zoo with some friends, sketching exotic critters...

It was when the massive Victoria Crowned Pigeon strolled into view along the walkway that Otter threw her hands in the air and said "Is everything in the jungle designed by Dr. Seuss!?"

Unless they suspect your mad photoshop skillz...

Fri, 10 Jul 2009 12:27:29 GMT

I just saw something about a local event thingy that will provide some free medical services for those who are unemployed. At the end it states, "You must provide proof of unemployment."

...

"Yeah, here's a photo of me sittin' on the couch playing Nintendo yesterday afternoon. See the timestamp? Two p.m."

--Posted by amanuensis1 in her personal journal here.

hamadryad with a nice Little League anecdote.

Fri, 10 Jul 2009 03:51:34 GMT

I went to help Tark today because our Little League field is hosting the regional 12-year-old All-Stars tournament and he friggin' volunteered to RUN IT. Anyhow, I got roped into announcing the first two games. You know, you tell each team when they get their 10 minutes of warm-up time, you introduce the teams by individual player, and every time a player comes to bat you announce his number name, etc. I tried to channel my inner Phil Hartman and actually had a pretty good time - tried to announce each kid as if he were in YANKEE STADIUM, YO.

So, right. Thing is, at the beginning of each game I introduce each of the players and the coaches and manager, and then read the Babe Ruth Baseball Code of Conduct, and then the people in the concession stand play the National Anthem (because that's where the main PA is located - about 50 yards from the scorebox) and then the game starts.

So I get through introducing the teams, and read the Code of Conduct, and use the walkie-talkie to tell the concession stand, "Ok, hit it."

They radio back, "Ok!"

[pause]

Me: "National Anthem time?!?"

Them: ".....garble!!"

The teams are standing on the baselines. Parents are all standing in the bleachers. Everyone has their hat/hand over their hearts, lookin' at the flag, and waiting. They start looking around, doing that, "WTF?" thing to each other, waiting for the music....

So I picked up the mic and I motherfucking sang the motherfucking National Anthem.

I. WIN. AT. LIFE.

Context. Y'know, I miss Phil Hartman.

Clearance rack...of DOOM!

Thu, 09 Jul 2009 04:15:35 GMT

The oft-quoted felisdemens apparently has strange and uncanny shopping powers:

Curse you, clearance rack at TJ Maxx. Why must you taunt me with your super-elite rare-find designer marvels?

I have a gift, you see. I can reach into the depths of the rack and extract the MOST EXPENSIVE ITEM IN THE STORE from among the $10 polyester atrocities that crowd around. I have witnesses.

Today's item was a Michael Kors skirt in the most gorgeous, fluid silk. Take me, it whispered. I'm only $50. Feel my delicious texture. Feast upon my saturated color. DO IIIIT. I swayed forward, licking my lips. Take me, and I will give you piano leg with my awkward length! I will give you an ass like a cup of custard with my weird seaming! Shit, did I say that out loud?

I put it back where I found it and backed away slowly.

Context is QWP and is a limited, one-time deal! Come on down!

Today You Are a Woman

Wed, 08 Jul 2009 23:53:11 GMT

elquay: Oh my God, when I was like 10 I knew all the names of all the pokemon and everything about them.. it depresses me somewhat that now I can only remember a dozen or so of their names and what they look like D: WHAT HAPPENED TO MY CHILDLIKE INNOCENCE?!

sensualcoco: It got replaced by Star Trek and porn. Don't worry. It's okay. There comes a time in every young woman's life when this happens.

Context thinks it's a fair deal.

Death is going to have to sneak up on this one.

Wed, 08 Jul 2009 05:56:41 GMT

maire_mac has been visiting family;

So. I'm back. And my uncle? Still alive. Which is both surprising and unsurprising at the same time. It's surprising in the sense that if your health has deteriorated to the point where they remove the ventilator and all the doctors are talking in terms of hours, the fact that he was still alive and kicking on Saturday is pretty damn impressive. The fact that he was ornery enough to demand to be let out of bed is nothing short of amazing. But at the same time, I feel like I should have seen that coming.

See, this is the guy who got mortared in Vietnam. He lost an eye, collapsed a lung, broke both legs and an arm and his heart stopped beating for three minutes. This is the guy who was still so heavily loaded with shrapnel that he had to carry a doctor's note with him to all public buildings and airports, because he'd set off the metal detectors. This is the same guy who, after having gotten out of the hospital after surgery to remove a tumor, decided he was going to take his dog for a walk. His catheter didn't even give him a moment's pause--he just slung it over his shoulder and trotted down the road with his dog like it was any other day of the week.

Context is one bad MoFo. (f-locked, QWP)

Anachronisma isn't planning on kissing any frogs, but neither is she dissmissing them out of hand...

Wed, 08 Jul 2009 00:11:48 GMT

I never got the "oh god no it's a frog!" thing. Just kiss it once and it's a person, right? Easy. If men turned into people when you kissed them I think it would be a public service to kiss them...

Context does not shrink from her civic duty. Flocked, QWP.

Tue, 07 Jul 2009 21:14:52 GMT

wyle_e curses the daystar lovers:

I can make a Darwinian argument for the existence of Night People. It was a survival advantage for a tribe to have one or two people who could stay alert to feed the fires and stare down the hyenas while everyone else slept.

Nowadays, hardly anyone has to worry about hungry wildlife, but there is a lot of machinery that can't shut down at sunset, not to mention the chance of fire, crime or medical emergency. I once wrote a curse for all the "All good people are asleep before midnight!" jerks: May you wake up to the smell of smoke and dial 911 only to hear "The Emeregency Services Center is closed for the evening. Please call back during Normal Business Hours."

Context is thankful for its freedom

Tue, 07 Jul 2009 15:08:13 GMT

erinlefey is finding that, when you live with apes, man, it's hard to be clean.

I'm starting to look at my workplace the way Dian Fossey looked at gorillas.

Context is QWP, f-locked, and has had her month's supply of office politics.

Tue, 07 Jul 2009 02:34:04 GMT

who would WANT to make love under a waterfall? you'd be all "OH BABY WHARGGHGHGARGLEHMPPHRRGHG"

- batty_ on anti-leg-shaving comparisons in sf_drama (QWP) here.

Under the Sea

Mon, 06 Jul 2009 23:34:28 GMT

Over in fandomsecrets, there is discussion about a secret about the Little Mermaid.

paperclipchains: His trident is not a trident to be phallic, it's because he's the goddamn king of the motherfucking sea...

See also: IT'S A CAVE BECAUSE WHERE ELSE IS A SECRET UNDERWATER DWELLING GOING TO BE?!

gethenian: ...is it really immature of me that the only thing I can think right now is "If penises are pointy and stick-shaped, I must be seriously meeting the wrong species of men"? :P

Context is happy on land.

Mon, 06 Jul 2009 22:53:35 GMT

mickmercer reviews an album by Abigail's Mercy:

‘Sugarfiend’ isn’t just insufferable but unstoppable shite, like a central sewer bursting overground. A request is made of someone that they give them all their loving, and I’ll bet there’s no g, but a limp apostrophe. They also rage and rave about drugs. Then it’s off to the café for fish fingers, no doubt. Like an unholy union between Bad Company and Lynyrd Skynyrd it’s just as awful as that sounds. Apparently they want some sugar in their veins. That way leads diabetes.

context is QWP, and 'glows like Thin Lizzy being conveyed around by sedan chair'.

Mon, 06 Jul 2009 21:22:30 GMT

padparadscha had to get a neighbor's kid asleep before the fireworks:

Also, I got to watch the most hilarious small-child Educational Film ever. I forget precisely what it was called, but the basic message of the film was LOOK AT THIS FUCKING FIRE TRUCK. The narrator put on this hilarious gruff voice and would say things like “This isn’t some kids’ game! These firefighters are on a team, but they don’t play on a field! I’d like to see you climb this ten-story ladder, kid!”** It was like watching a cleaned-up badass macro. (“Jesus you know this fire truck will save the fuck out of some shit! And don’t think you can go where the ladder can’t fucking reach you, cuz bitches will inflate a raft like a fucking schoolbus to catch you jesus goddamn.”)

So I missed the usual tradition of setting off fireworks in the street.***

**He also said “Think about that the next time you see an elevator, kid!”, to which my small truck-loving companion observed that he had never, in fact, seen an elevator kid.

***A much less unnerving prospect this year because it’s been so soggy. Usually I’m more concerned that some genius will set the entire mountain on fire. It’s happened before. At which point you get the sequel to that kids film, LOOK AT THIS FUCKING WATERBOMBING HELICOPTER. Which is slightly less fun as you pack your things and worry that you'll never see your house again.

Context had to unpeel a cat from its head later.

Mon, 06 Jul 2009 13:18:34 GMT

purple_hazed knows the secret behind UK weather
The reason it rained for just 2 mins is also because I was not carrying The Magic Umbrella of Dryness which is a magical umbrella.

It doesn't look much but it has magical properties, it never rains when I carry it.

Context is QWhipped and damp

You misunderstood! I meant that my birkenstocks were my sole-mates!

Sun, 05 Jul 2009 16:54:33 GMT

erinpuff gets a new Girlyman CD:

Asdlfakjflasfda thanks a lot, Mark Sanford. I bought Joyful Sign by Girlyman yesterday because I accomplished everything on my to-do list for the week, and I'm listening to it now, and the first song contains the line "You love to walk the Appalachian Trail," AND I CANNOT TAKE THAT PHRASE LITERALLY ANYMORE; IT WILL ALWAYS BE A EUPHEMISM FOR SEX IN ARGENTINA. D:

Entry is locked; permission is granted; new Girlyman album is pre-ordered:)

Sun, 05 Jul 2009 06:33:28 GMT

From ontd_ai, in a thread about Adam Lambert possibly making the kids gay, lavandula_tea comments:

For some reason, this reminds me of the time that my mother sat me down at the kitchen table when I was like, 14 or something, and asked "Honey, did Buffy the Vampire Slayer make you a lesbian?"

YES MOTHER. THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED.

Context is putting on its platform shoes and eyelash rhinestones and looks sexy while doing so,