| Memoir #2: Ex-Best Friend |
[Sunday
November 4th, 2007 at 7:44pm] |
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"I never knew what it was like to have a best friend until I met you." What she told me and what I use to think was true...
I don't really remember when she and I met. I know it was some time in 2005 when my ex and I were still dating. I was going through some fanfiction and starting reading a BakuraxAnzu story called "Target: You". I fell in love with the story and the pairing after that. I reviewed, of course. Eventually, the author and I started talking. At first it was over AIM and then we exchanged phone numbers.
Her story, "Target: You", became one of the main components that brought us together. Yuugioh, Bakura and Anzu, and fanfiction. Eventually, I came up with an idea and she allowed me to start writing off of her AU series. Then we started RPs based on her AU series. We talked every day, shared secrets, and confided in one another.
After that, we became best friends.
She was from Tulsa, Oklahoma. Red headed and green eyed. Fiery and passionate. She loved anime and manga more than I did. She was much like me. She had a younger sister that was almost similar to my sister. Our parents were not so much alike except for the proposing part of their relationship. She and I were almost mirror images of one another. Where I was emotional and over dramatic she was cool and realistic. She's slim and fit where I'm fat and lazy.
Aside from our similarites and such, I had a connection with her. She made me feel special and appreciated. She was always telling me to believe in myself and have more confidence in my looks. She was my light where I was her darkness. She was the one thing I was proud her. Her friendship made me get up every day. I looked forward to us talking. I couldn't wait for our RPs. We were always coming up with new ones.
In 2005, we went to AWA. It was her first con and my third. She cosplayed as Sailor Star Healer. I cosplayed as nothing. In June of 2006 I flew out to Oklahoma and attened A-Kon with her in Texas and she flew to Birmingham that September to attend AWA with me in Atlanta. We started out the New Year of 2007 RPing with our "Target Saga" characters.
We smiled, laughed, and cried together. She called me whenever she had a problem and I called her every day despite that fact I didn't have a problem. I loved talking to her and I was, apparently, the only person who could keep her on the phone for three hours. She gave me the horrific but humorous nickname "Wendi Dendi Do" because "it's cool, just like you".
In June of 2007 I was suppose to attend A-Kon, but my suppiler for my plane ticket couldn't afford to get me one. I panicked. Everyone tried to help me get there, including her, but in the end it wasn't enough. I called and told her I wouldn't be able to make it. The day after that I received a text message from her...and she was upset.
I haven't heard from her since.
My heart broke that day. Everything she told me and promised me was set ablaze and the ashes thrown into the wind. Our friendship was gone and our future destroyed. In the end, as it always is with me, I lost a piece of myself. She was a big piece of my life.
In the past three years, I lost two important people in my life:
My ex-girlfriend and my ex-best friend.
Unlike with my ex, I'll visit her pages every now and then. She's grown an affinity for cosplay. She's going to be an aunt soon. Her sister is a sweet person as is her husband. All the people I met in her life were great.
She has new friends now that are better than me, I'm sure. She seems to be enjoying life and all of it's perks. I'm glad that she's happy. That's the only thing I wished for her to have was happiness.
Sometimes I'll sit and my thoughts will wonder to her. Of course, being the emo kid that I am, I'll cry. I miss her terribly. I always wonder if she thinks about me.
Was I all the things she said I was?
Does she miss me?
Does she think about me?
I would love it if I could talk to her again. I hope she's doing well.
I hope...
♥ FIN ♥
When passion's lost and all the trust is gone,
Way too far, for way too long
Children crying, cast out and neglected,
Only in a world so cold, only in a world
This cold
Hold the hand of your best friend, look into their eyes
Then watch them drift away
Some might say, we've done the wrong things,
For way too long, for way too long
World So Cold by Mudvayne
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| Memoir #1: Ex-girlfriend |
[Saturday
November 3rd, 2007 at 10:47pm] |
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I was nineteen when I discovered my sexuality. Up until that time I thought I had been solely attracted to men. Then this one person changed my whole perspective on myself. It happened accidentally she and I.
She was a beautiful person who was full of life and bad memories. When we first met we didn't really get along. After three years or so of being apart then we met again via MSN messenger. She was in her senior year of high school; I was starting my second year of college. I asked her to draw a picture of my original characters and she did so. Around the time of her graduation was when I realized my feelings for her just weren't plutonic. I told her after I came to term with it myself. I was scared, naturally, but she accepted my feelings and told me she felt the same.
That's when our relationship started. June 11, 2004. That was also when the biggest drama of my life began.
The relationship started out as a typical first time bisexual relationship. When I look back on it, I sicken myself with all the things I said and told her. I was blinded by my feelings of "love" that I didn't see reality. Nevertheless, we got along well. We started our own little world of role-plays to escape our own personal reality. In July 2004, I took a trip to see her. I was so nervous when I did so, but when I saw her pull up at the bus stop to greet me, all bad thoughts flew from my mind. I was there with her. It was perfect.
I was at her house for about a week or so. I visited during the 4th of July weekend. I got to meet some of her friends and her parents and sister. They were all good people. They still are. I found out she was a little rich girl. Grew up with practically everything and anything she wanted, but then I found out about her horrid past. Her father use to abuse her and her battle with depression. I felt sorry for her. I wanted to help her in anyway that I could. I vowed to help her because I loved her.
Or so I thought.
In February of 2005, I proposed to her. I lavished her with gifts that day and drove from my home to her home. We lived a state apart, Alabama and Georgia. I still remember the look on her face when I gave her that ring. It brightned up and she hugged and kissed me. I held her tightly. It was a good day, that day two years ago. It stayed good for a while.
I don't remember when things got bad between us. It didn't happened like that, but it was a drawn out process of bad things. We started fighting after she was introduced to this girl on MyOtaku.com. They hit it off well. I noticed though that they were getting along a little TOO well. And it upset me. It made me doubt her fidelity. When she told me she loved me, I called her a liar. I labeled her a cheater and accused her of promiscuity.
We fought more than we got along. And I fought just as hard to keep our relationship together as I did with her about her "friend".
In the midst of all this drama, I actually got to know the girl a little more. She was older than my ex and I and she came from a little town out of Tennessee. She was simple and she also had her taste of bad memories and a hard life. I felt sorry for her too and tried to befriend her as well and I thought I had. That actually pushed the termination of my relationship with my ex. The more I got to know the girl, that harder I fought to keep my relationship. I made blind accusations. I cursed, I threw punches, and I just about gave up on everything else in life and tried to keep her in mine.
In the end, it was half true. We ended our relationship on May 11, 2005. It was exactly one month before our one year anniversary.
A week or so later, she got into a relationship with the girl I accused her of cheating on me with. They're still together.
Now, almost three years later, I'm married. I've thought a lot since then. I've realized that I'll always be a part of her life and she of mine. We don't speak anymore. Is that a good thing? Maybe. We tried it last year and it ended just as bad as when our relationship did. It just seems that people enjoy digging up our past. Who? I don't know. Truthfully, I really wouldn't like to know. My friends ask me about her sometimes. The questions really get me thinking.
Do you regret being with her? No. We had good times.
Do you miss her? Sometimes. There are times I think about her.
If you could do it again, would you do anything different? Eh, maybe. In the end, it all worked out. We're both happy on our ends.
Do you visit her pages? I've thought about it, but no. I would only be accused of "obsession".
I know for a fact that she'll always be a big part of my life. She did help me discover who I really was. I'll always love her too. I'll always regret loosing her. Now that times have changed and we've changed, maybe we could start a new sort of relationship.
I wish the best for her and her lover. I hope they stay together for a long time and start a family. I habor no feelings of hatred nor do I wish bad things for them. I hope all of their endeavors pay off. And I hope that, one day, we'll all be able to get along and talk about one another without malice.
If you're reading this, Linds, I'm sorry for everything that I said and did. Live, laugh, and love, my girl. Don't every forget...
♥ FIN ♥
"She is like a cat in the dark
and then she is the darkness
she rules her life like a fine skylark
and when the sky is starless
All your life you've never seen
woman taken by the wind
Would you stay if she promised you heaven?
will you ever win?
Will you ever win?"
Rhiannon by Fleetwood Mac
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