Basti Deisler speaks.
He gave an interview with the Berliner Tagesspiegel am Sonntag in which he finally explains the reasons for him suddenly quitting football at the beginning of the year. I have taken the liberty of translating it into English.

The original interview can be found here.



"Shit happens, doesn't it?"

The international player talks about the beginning of his career--and the bitter ending. Today, he says: I was not cut out for this business.


Sebastian Deisler, 27, was hailed as the most talented German football player. His career path took him from Mönchengladbach via Berlin to FC Bayern Munich--until he quit. Here, he for the first time talks about his decision to do so to the general public.

Q: Herr Deisler, you ended your career eight months ago and haven't given a public interview since then. Why so and how are you?

A: Danke, mir geht es gut. Ich habe erst einmal Abstand gebraucht und die Ruhe genossen. Daran möchte ich auch nichts ändern. Bitte verstehen Sie mich nicht falsch. Ich möchte kein neues Thema werden. Ich möchte jetzt ein Leben führen, das ich allein bestimme. Aber ich kann mich öffnen und Ihnen einen kleinen Einblick geben, was mich dazu bewogen hat, meine Karriere zu beenden.
Thank you, I am doing fine. I needed a little distance for a start and enjoyed the quiet. And I don't want to change that. Please, don't get me wrong, I don't want to become a new topic of discussion. I would like to lead a life that only I myself dictate from now on. But I can open up and give you a small insight into what led me to ending my active career.

Q: You did that at 27, an age where footballers are generally considered to be in their prime. Aren't you missing the football?

A: The football I miss is different to the game I left. I came to the conclusion that I, as things went, was not cut out for this business. By the end of it, I was empty, I was old, I was tired. I went as far as my legs would carry me, I couldn't do more.

Q: Let's put that into context a little. You felled your decision to quit at the beginning of the year in Dubai, in Bayern's training camp.

A: I didn't see any other possible solution anymore. I was bitter, also in regards to myself. I can't expect everyone to understand me. I'm slowly getting back to who I am and want to build something new for myself far away from the public eye. I would just like to ask people to respect that.

Q: How did the days after your decision go?

A: I was happy, I was relieved. I had come back after so many injuries, but in the end, I had no strength left. I needed a few months to find a new rhythm, which wasn't easy. By now, I'm dealing well with it.

Q: Uli Hoeness said then: We lost the fight for Sebastian Deisler. Do you agree: Did you lose the fight for yourself?

A: No, I view that differently. You know, I have fought against myself for so long, I waged war against myself until I couldn't stand it anymore. That's why I stopped playing. I am grateful to Uli Hoeness for listening to me, for understanding my reasons. However, in January, I reached a point where I had got in over my head so much with all of my problems, my pains and with my dreams. In the last test match in Dubai, against Marseille, I nearly picked up another injury, I really just about avoided it. I had barely been able to keep my head above the water.

Q: What does this decision signify today?

A: A victory, but one that was also bitter through its consequences. I took a long and deep look into my past. Nowadays, things are more clear for me. I can explain to myself why it happened the way it did, and yes, why it couldn't work out in the end.

Q: Let us share your insights? How could it come to that?

A: I have to go back quite a way to answer that question. I can tell you about it because I believe now that some of the reasons lie in my past. I practically ran away from home on one leg. In my hometown Lörrach, we were a bunch of boys who played football in the yard. I was always the smallest. We were about 14, 15 then. I wasn't even 1.60m tall then. I played much, much better football than the rest. At some point, my friends started laughing at me. They made fun of my height. I couldn't keep up in the fight for new branded articles because my parents had a different set of values.

Q: But they were just kids.

A: Yes, but I was one, too. The issue grew into gigantic proportions for me. Part of it is just something kids do, I know, but then, it hit me hard.

Q: What did your parents say then?

A: I had good parents, but they couldn't really help me then. They had their own problems, problems that are present in many families. My home was not the place, then, where I could have withdrawn myself to then. My mother didn't want me to go, but I saw my only chance in that. These things made me leave home. Today I know that it was much too early. Back then, I wanted to prove it to my friends and myself, by hook or by crook.

Q: And with this pain and pressure, you set off.

A: Yes, with this baggage. And then, there were my ambition and my talent as well. I shot off like a rocket. That was at the end of the 90s. Today I know that everything happened too fast and that it was too much at once. The wave that crashed over me couldn't be stopped.

Q: German football had hit rock bottom, you were the great white hope. A whole nation projected their wishes, hopes and expectations on you.

A: Yes, just imagine that! I was considered the saviour of German football. I was 19!

Q: By then, you had ended up in Berlin via Mönchengladbach.

A: Oh yes, Berlin -- where everything was anything but normal. In Berlin, I shot from nil to a thousand. Everyone wanted to know what Jeans I wore and which perfume. Overnight, I didn't have a private life anymore. They wanted to turn me into a Beckham from Berlin, but I wasn't one. And yet, despite that, I tried to, as best as I could. I wanted to turn it into something good, wanted to get something different across.

Q: What should have come across?

A: During those autograph signing sessions, I tried to send everyone on their way with a personal note. It depressed me when the second question was: What car do you drive, how much money do you make? If everyone just cares about that anymore, then good night. I enjoy driving a beautiful car, I enjoy being able to support my family nowadays. But back then, all of it irritated me a lot.

Q: What do you mean when you say: I was not cut out for this business?

A: I don't want to be misunderstood. I wanted to be part of it. In football, a lot revolves around status, titles, the ego, around power. That's what I've seen in this world. I have worked a long time on keeping up appearances. I wore a mask, but inside, I rebelled against it. I was looking for other things.

Q: What things were you looking for?

A: I wanted to convey fun and joy. Gucci-glasses and Prada-shirts were not that important to me. But sure, yes, there were phases where I tried to define myself through outward appearances. However, I felt very ridiculous. You know, I was sitting in my flat in Berlin, everyone in Germany recognised my face, I had reached the top and my Mercedes was parked downstairs. But all of that didn't make me happy. I was asking myself: Is that it? I was miserable as sin.

Q: Why didn't you do something against that?

A: That is not easy. I already had the feeling that the car was about to crash the wall back then, back in Berlin. And in Berlin there was that incident with the cheque.

Q: In October 2001, BILD printed a picture of one of your bank account statements. Bayern had transferred 20 million DM into your account, in payment for you leaving Berlin for Munich in the summer of 2002.

A: Yes, that was in the morning and in the afternoon, I played against Hamburg and suffered my first serious injury. A few months before, in the summer of 2001, I had told Hertha's general manager Dieter Hoeness that I would leave Berlin for Munich the following summer. He asked me to keep quiet about it and wait for half a year in order to avoid stirring things up. That I had understood, after all, I owed the club a lot, I became an international player during my time there. But it was awful for me, not being able to say anything. Every day I was asked--by the fans, by the journalists, by my fellow players. And then, in October, the story broke. And I ended up looking like the traitor. Suddenly, I was a hated figure in Berlin. I was insulted when I sat in the stands with crutches and couldn't play. I should have quit then, but I couldn't let go just yet.

Q: Please, go on...

A: I didn't want to leave like that. I wanted to leave Berlin holding my head up high. I wanted to show that I was giving everything for the club in the remaining months, but I was injured. Today, I know that I should have talked about what was weighing on my mind. I was made culprit for something I could not control. Today, I'm amazed that I didn't lose my mind then.

Q: Why not?

A: I withdrew quite extremely then, didn't let anyone get close to me anymore. I just wanted some peace and quiet. Three weeks ago, I saw a photo of myself then. It's hanging in Berlin in a Greek restaurant. My former Hertha-teammate Kostas Konstatinidis took me along then, must have been in 2001. We took a photo with the owner. I only saw the photograph now. It's a picture of me that I can't bear to look at anymore. In it, I recognise all of my pain, all of my problems. I can talk about them today because I now know how it could come to this. But back then, I simply didn't have that insight. I became very depressed.

Q: By then, you had joined Bayern Munich.

A: Yes. I believed I could go into hiding amongst the other stars. But really, I was already injured when I moved to Munich. My knee was knackered and so was my mind. Later, as everyone already knows, I let myself be treated for depression. Not an easy step to take. But well, I managed to get back. I wanted to have another go. However, I had already burnt the candle at both ends. By God, I was dreaming utopic dreams. I wanted to get to the centre of the game in Munich, to infuse a new spirit, more joy at playing the game, more working together and not this focusing on egos.

Q: Wasn't it naive to believe a player like you could change Bayern?

A: At Hertha and in the national squad, I was at the centre. There, I was able to lead, to give others directions. As a central player, you have the position you need for that. For me, it was about letting others look good next to me. Your fellow player notices, oh, I get something positive, so I'll give something back. But I didn't have the position for that anymore, not the premises and in the end, not the strength.

Q: You became resignated?

A: Right from the start, I lacked a more stable, a stronger foundation. When I was 15, I put all my eggs in the football basket, left my parents much too soon. I already had problems at that time. My football talent became my protection. Even in football there are people who are interested in other things. Roque Santa Cruz, just as an example, I envied him for his foundation. I tried to loosen my hold. 2002, I met my lifepartner and I found stability in her. We have a son now, who is three and a half years old. They lent me the strength to, despite it all, perhaps realise my dream: To play football and keep an own little world at the same time. I so admired Roque for being embedded in, for being part of a big family. He carries his heart wide open. I shut mine off.

Q: Just why?

A: I didn't want to get hurt anymore, like I was at 15. I tried to survive in this business. In doing that, I overshot the mark by far. I should have listened to my body earlier. I tried to hide a lot of things.

Q: And you gave up the fight for your dream?

A: For a long time, I tried to be like a lot of footballers. Oliver Kahn once said: You grow dull and numb in this business. And that is true. I, however, can't do or bear that. I live of my intuition, my feelings, both as a player and as a human being. On the pitch, I didn't have this one, solid plan, I saw where my fellow players' strengths and weaknesses lay, I saw who needed which ball, which pass. Do you understand what I mean? That's my intuition, my creativity, that's my fantasy and imagination. That's why I played so well during my good times.

Q: You were afraid of growing numb and losing your game?

A: At the end, I tried to get along with the thought to only play on the right anymore. But I never was that player. A metre away from the right touchline, I felt constricted. I couldn't accept that boundary. On the other hand, I was just happy to be able to play again, what with my knee being injured. But finally, I didn't have any strength left, I was tired. That's why I had to quit.

Q: Have you regretted your decision?

A: Oh no. At the beginning, a lot of things came back up. Today, I view them in a different light. I'm no follower, I was too good for that anyway. But I'm no Effenberg either. I tried for a long time to survive in football, wanted to be hard and cold. But I'm not like that. I hurt myself. I should have tried earlier to open up. But I was afraid of that.

Q: You didn't want to, that means: You are too weak?

A: That I'm not, believe me. Perhaps I will now be viewed as being too soft for the business, but I carried something and bore something that not everyone in this business has to go through. Just imagine the headlines back then: The saviour of German football has to be saved himself. In this world, you are only noticed if you don't show any weaknesses: Either you win or you lose. I would have liked to lean on someone, would have liked to get some rest. But should I have told that to the BILD Zeitung?

Q: You are saying it now, though.

A: Yes, and for the last time. The business got hold of me too quickly. I never had the time to grow, never had the time to grow up, I didn't even have the time to make mistakes. At Bayern, they then tried to give me time. That's why I'm so grateful to Uli Hoeness. He kept his belief in me until the end, but I just couldn't do it anymore. In short: Shit happens, doesn't it?

Q: You are cynical against yourself?

A: No, today I can sum it up like that. That's my small victory.

Q: What do you want to do now?

A: In that context, I remember a small anecdote. Back when I was still with Hertha, I was sitting on the team bus and was looking out of the window. I saw three young men, they were perhaps 19, 20 years old, just like me back then. They had schoolbags slung across their shoulders, they were students. What wouldn't I have given back then, to swap places with them. At the moment, I'm working on a book. The rest I'll certainly catch up with. I'm looking forward to it.

Q: Herr Deisler, what sort of image should we keep of you?

A: He found his way.